I Am Heartbroken that my Friend With Benefits is Getting Married and Wants to Remain Friends
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Hello Evan,
I’ve been in love with my friend for over 5 years. We’ve been friends with “benefits” for over 2 years. Over the years, he always assumed we were just friends and as for me, I agreed with everything he said because I loved him. He told me two weeks ago, he was getting married to a girl he was into for many years. She finally accepted his proposal. I was devastated when he told me the news. I decided then I would cut him off because I could not handle it emotionally. I just wanted to crawl up in a hole and cry. So I cut him off. It was only a week since he didn’t hear from me. He got upset and came to see me. He said he was “hurt” I stopped talking to him. He still wants us to be friends and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to carry on as we were. He didn’t think it was a big deal that he was getting married but we could still maintain being friends. He couldn’t forget me and he will never erase me from his life. How can I pretend to be his friend?
I’ve been sleeping with him for awhile. I couldn’t imagine being introduced as his “friend” to his wife. He said everything will be normal and even I’ll get married and it will eventually all work out. What should I do? Continue being there as his “friend”? Why does he still want me around even though he’s marrying the women of his dreams?
Is he just using me?
I am so confused. Does he genuinely care for as a friend? He says so but somehow that explanation doesn’t sit well with me. If he loves his future wife as deeply as he says he does, what does he need me for?
G.D.
On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.
There are two very important pieces of information missing from your email. And until you clarify them, it’s impossible to give sound advice. But I’m going to do my best to be a detective and figure things out, logically.
The way you tell the story, it sounds like you were the “once a week” girl for two years, and then suddenly, he informed you that he was marrying his long-term crush that he had never even dated.
But something about this scenario doesn’t add up. It seems to minimize the relationship he has with his fiancée – as if he suddenly got married on a whim. Now if he DID get married on a whim – if he proposed to a girl he’d never even dated before, then, yes, I could see why you’d feel shocked and devastated at this sudden turn of events.
However, people generally don’t marry total strangers. I’m particularly skeptical because you wrote, “she finally accepted his proposal”. This indicates to me that this was his long-term GIRLFRIEND that he was marrying – not just a long-term crush.
Which brings up another question: was he cheating on his girlfriend with you for two years? Or were you friends with benefits until he got exclusive?
This, as you can imagine, makes a huge difference when it comes to assigning responsibility for how you could have ended up here, G.D.
On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.
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58 Comments »Filed Under Sex
Tina #17 James Bond is a...
delicia 1
He came back to see you a week after you cut him off?? Girl, he is using you for sex and/or emotional support and the ego boost he gets from your fawning over him. GET RID OF HIM. He is not going to go away until YOU TELL HIM TO. That means no calls, emails, texts, visits, and if you see him on the street, say hi and keep walking. You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you and only you. Please find the strength within yourself (and on this blog if need be) to love yourself and first and foremost take care of your emotional needs. This guy needs to go. Obviously it wasn’t meant to be and you need to accept that and let him go. Good luck and keep us posted!
starthrower68 2
While I suppose it’s not true of all women, most of us cannot have an “FWB” arrangement without developing feelings for the guy. I don’t believe most women are wired that way. Nothing good generally comes of these arrangements. Of course the question is not the FWB issue, it’s should she or should she not be friends with this guy. I say that is as about as self-protective as hurling oneself in front of a bus. Her healing will come only through completly cutting off contact with this prince of a guy .
Steve 3
GD;
The bottom line is that you need to take care of yourself.
Very few people can heal by hanging around someone they are in unrequited love with. Yes, your friend may be hurt that he can no longer be friends with you for an indefinite period of time. However, he is in love and has someone…you don’t,… and you are in pain. Explain this to him and then cut yourself off from him.
The best way to get over somebody is to work hard at something that sucks up your attention and gets your mind off of yourself.
Steve 4
GD;
I disagree with Evan that you were clueless or that your friend was dishonest in any way.
“Friends With Benefits” means just that, friends.
It is based on upfront agreement that people like each other, want to have sex, but can’t see being romantically involved with each other.
There is the assumption there that both people will be looking for someone they can get romantically involved with and that is one of the few ways FWBs work well. When both people are out there seriously looking.
Once you fell in love with him you stopped being his friend. You should have said something then and ended the FWB if he didn’t feel the same. I’m guessing you didn’t because you were afraid of feeling rejected and you didn’t want to lose what little you thought/wished you really had.
Now you have the pain of an unrequited love to deal with. Lesson learned.
Unless you friend promised you he wasn’t dating anyone else he wasn’t being dishonest with you. Again, that is what FWB is about.
Steve 5
I have to say that I am taken aback by the number of people instantly writing off GD’s friend as a bad guy.
How about the possibility that he was genuinely friends with her and that is why he wants to stay in touch? You know, being a friend?
It was a FWB relationship. That means people understand up front that it is only about friendship and sex. It sounds from GD’s email that he never led her to believe anything else.
I agree, GD needs to cut herself off from him.
In the meantime can we can the sexism by assuming that GD is a victim because she is female and that her friend is a perpetrator because he was a man?
dadshouse 6
EMK – great detective work! GD is clueless, indeed. In fact, I’d suggest she’s not “friends with benefits” with this guy – she’s his mistress, straight up.
I don’t believe he wants to remain friends and not have benefits with her. For this guy to be sleeping with one woman while he’s courting another woman for marriage says a lot.
dadshouse´s last blog post…Sex Toys Suck!
Jennifer 7
GD,
This arrangement can’t have been satisfying for you- pining away for someone for years, being as close to them as physically possible yet still not ‘having’ them- but you stayed and now you are upset that it’s ending and all of your feelings and time are going to be discounted. I’m sorry this happened.
I know you want to hear that he cares about you. He does. But not the way you want/need him to. It’s gonna be hard but don’t spend a few more years trying to figure out why he doesn’t- just get yourself together.
I understand that this sucks and hurts a lot. But this is much bigger than this guy and your friendship and his marriage. You aren’t a very big fan of yourself; you need to figure out why and what you can do to feel better. Because once you like yourself more, you won’t punish yourself or just feel happy to be getting *something* from somebody even if it’s not what you really want or stay in unsatsifying situations long-term. And I think that’s the ultimate goal here.
You’ll be uncomfortable and feel out of sorts for a while, like when you are doing anytihng new, but eventually you’ll learn and you’ll be okay. Best of luck.
Selena 8
This is sad. I suspect in many of these FWB arrangements one person does feel more and continues on hoping the other will “come around” and realize it’s more than just booty call after all.
The only way I can see GD being surprised at the engagement is because he probably never talked about the girl “he was into for many years” when they were together. Hard to keep up the pretense of being FWB knowing someone else is waiting at home and being lied to.
Selena 9
@#5
We could Steve, and maybe should given the lack of information, but when you are genuinely friends, you usually know when your friend is serious about someone enough to propose. If he was really her friend why would he have hid the knowledge of “the girl he was into for many years” from her? Or downplay it, if that was the case?
Lexy 10
This is sad, only because you have had such low expectations for yourself for 5 years, your self-esteem is so low that you still believe this man to be a “catch.” I believe GD knew about the other woman and wasn’t blind-sided. If that’s so, then she has been cheating with the guy. If that’s not the case, then this guy was passing time with her for two years, afraid to go for the woman of his dreams, and begging her to give him a chance and marry him, when he couldn’t even commit fully to the future fiancee because he was busy messing around with GD! Phew. I am tired.
GD, find an available man. There has to be a man better than this one out there.
Lexy´s last blog post…Not Seeing
Honey 11
Yes, I agree with what others have said that something here just doesn’t add up – Evan assigns equal blame that she is clueless and he is selfish, and I agree. I don’t think it’s sexist (@Steve, #s 4 and 5) to say that he almost assuredly knew that GD was in love with him. Someone is always the attached one, and one the taking-advantage-one, in FWB relationships – I’ve certainly seen the guy be the attached one while the girl takes advantage and vice versa. It’s not gender related, it’s who happened to do it this time.
Honey´s last blog post…Vegas Memorial Weekend Sextacular: Preview
Steve 12
@Selena, post #8. Good point.
Ruby 13
You want to talk about clueless? Someone who could say what G.D.’s “friend” said below is even more clueless than she is. Either that, or he’s a class-A manipulator:
“He said he was hurt I stopped talking to him. He still wants us to be friends and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to carry on as we were. He didn’t think it was a big deal that he was getting married but we could still maintain being friends.”
He “couldn’t understand”? His marriage isn’t “a big deal”? Yes, something isn’t right here, but does it even matter? Sounds like this guy would be happy to keep his FWB, even after he’s married. My guess is that’s exactly what he’d do if given a chance. Time to kick this a-hole to the curb!
4badgirlzonly 14
Replying to STEVE (#4 & #5):
I believe that Evan is right-on with his analysis…
1) Not enough information. There are some holes in GD’s letter. The reader does not know if the FWB situation came as a cognizant agreement between consenting adults, or something that was haphazardly stepped into (@#4/#5). Steve’s post places ALL the blame on GD’s undersights, but how does the reader know if GD violated a spoken or UNspoken agreement or not?
2) GD’s friend is selfish AND greedy. Period.
3) GD needs to move on. Her “friend” is not the type of “friend” she needs. Period.
I’m definitely seeing where BOTH parties need to take responsibility for their actions.
http://www.4badgirlzonly.wordpress.com
Karl R 15
G.D. said: (original letter)
“We’ve been friends with benefits for over 2 years. Over the years, he always assumed we were just friends and as for me, I agreed with everything he said because I loved him.”
That’s not being in love. That’s being in a fantasy.
If someone says “No”, then you need to move on. You can have sex with that person if you want (though that tends to get in the way of “moving on”). But the chances of getting that person back are a long-shot at best. Most of the time you have no chance.
But it’s easy to find reasons to give ourselves false hope. Just over a week ago I asked a lady out. She said she was “flattered” that I’d asked, but she declined because she was “seeing someone else.” It’s possible that she’ll break up with that man and be interested in dating me … or it’s possible that she’ll eventually marry him. I’m not waiting to find out. If they break up, she knows where to find me.
Or to put it another way, “No means No.”
Evan said: (initial response)
“he has to know that you’re in love with him.”
I have to disagree with this one. I don’t read minds, and I don’t expect people to read my mind. G.D. said that she “agreed with everything” when her FWB said they were just friends.
If I consistently lie to a woman (whether it’s about how I feel or anything else), does it become her fault when she believes me? If not, why does the FWB become responsible for knowing how G.B. really felt? Maybe he figured it out; maybe he’s clueless too. There’s just not enough information to go on.
That point aside, I see a FWB situation as one where two people have mutually decided to use each other for sex. As long as they both agree to it, it’s their decision. And if it’s not working for one person (like G.B), then that person should leave the situation immediately.
Lisa 16
I was in a relationship very similar to this until two months ago. I was that amount of stupid/unrealistically hopeful. I’m somewhat ashamed that I REFUSED to read the writing on the wall.
However, I’m taking this as a learning experience. Now I REFUSE to let anyone treat me like that again. Here’s hoping I’m smarter while I’m still in my mid-20s!
Sara 17
@Steve I think the FWB relationship gets a bad rap because it’s often not an equal relationship where both people’s needs are being met. Like Honey said, this isn’t about men and women, it’s about who is taking advantage of whom (just like you probably hate beautiful women who string guys along for money, attention, whatever). In this case, he should care at least enough about her to end their sexual relationship since after two years, it would be obvious to anyone that she has feelings for him. FWB isn’t just “benefits” but also “friends” which implies mutual respect for the other person. It can work, but it often doesn’t. Both people have to be able to honestly express what they need from the other on an ongoing basis.
delicia 18
@ Steve, I didn’t say this guy was an inherently bad guy…. but he (and G.D.’s involvement with him) is BAD for her. Toxic, actually. I’d like to think this guy really was just “clueless” and not the A-hole he might actually be for stringing G.D. along “not knowing” she was head over heels in love with him. But that’s an argument for another day. Bottom line, G.D., quit spending any more of your precious life figuring out what happened or hoping/wishing things were different. Much easier said than done I know, but I PROMISE, your life will be 10,000x better once you free yourself from this situation that is sucking the life out of you. I really do wish you all the best – I’ve been in your shoes before and I know how hard it can be. But you will get through it. To echo other posters, focus on yourself or volunteering or something to get your mind off it. Be open to new things, people and experiences and in time your heart will heal.
Steve 19
@Ruby, post #13
Maybe he truly valued her as a friend, was hurt at losing a friend, and meant that his marriage so no big deal in terms of their friendship ( presumably without the benefits ) surviving.
casualencounters.com/blog 20
If she were in love with him and he genuinely didn’t know, then he’s beyond clueless. He’s a tree stump clothed in flesh.
casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Faux fuck buddy needed
Curly Girl 21
Bad story. Well, we’ve all been there.
JuJu 22
I have an acquaintance who was in this exact same situation. Had a mental breakdown when the guy announced he was getting married.
All the same questions remained unanswered (did she not know about the other, the -actual- relationship he was in? was he cheating on his actual gf the whole time? etc., etc.), and she and I are not close enough for me to ask that. As it happens, I only heard about the guy’s marriage from a mutual friend.
But hey, what on earth did she expect from a guy (this she told me herself) whom at first she had to implore to be with her? Who in the beginning explicitly told her that he doesn’t perceive her as a woman? (!)
Really, instead of trying to seduce the guy anyway, have some self-respect! And Curly Girl, no, we haven’t all been there, fortunately (not that I personally never had any self-worth issues).
JuJu 23
One of my best (male) friends had this sort of non-relationship, too. At first I knew nothing about the woman, thought that perhaps it was some college girl who didn’t take him seriously either (he was 37 or something like that at the time). Well, it turned out to be a woman a decade older than him. And I told him right off, that I DO NOT BELIEVE that a woman that age, who’s never been married and does not have children, is NOT, in fact, looking for love.
Yes, it was a FB relationship from the beginning – she specified this much in her own online ad, something like “looking for summer fun with a younger man” (how frightening is it, a woman approaching 50 having so little self-awareness). Well, a summer turned into a year, and when he announced he found someone he’d actually like to get serious with, she broke down in tears, said she fell for him, and so on and so forth.
And then I asked him, “and how do you feel about yourself NOW?”
JuJu 24
I would venture to claim that it’s only men who are capable of this sort of arrangement to begin with. Not necessarily because the women always get attached after sex – there were times when I certainly didn’t, and, in fact, never wanted to see the man again (something I always said: being attracted to someone and still finding them attractive after having sex with them are two different things).
I get attached when I am able to maintain attraction on all the necessary (for me) levels, which at first are physical and intellectual. However, if I can’t talk to the guy, I won’t be willing to have sex with him either, at least not indefinitely. It’s only men who can have sex with someone they aren’t attracted to on any level for years on end.
delicia 25
@ Juju, I disagree. He had to have been attracted to G.D. if they were f*** buddies for two years. And from her letter it sounds like he enjoyed her company (i.e. it wasn’t just booty calls); it’s just that he never saw her as “girlfriend material”… which could very well be its own post (Evan, are you listening?
I’m sure it wildly varies from one bloke to the next, but I’d love to get some “guy input” on what makes them think of some girls as having “girlfriend potential” vs. just FWB?? I think there’s a book out like “why men marry some women and not others” or some such title, haven’t read it but I’m curious to know people’s thoughts.
Curly Girl 26
JuJu, I meant unrequited love that makes us hold out for the unattainable and do dumb things. I once baked a pie and left it with a doorman. (It was a very good pie. I eventually got the pie plate back, but not because the guy was so keen to see me again. I felt really dumb.)
I’m not a FWB kind of person myself. Too complicated for me and I don’t need them. But I applaud the spirit of those relationships.
I think many, many women have sex with men they aren’t attracted to for years on end. Think about it.
JuJu 27
delicia,
this guy friend I spoke of said exactly that – that he didn’t find that older woman attractive. Moreover, he mentioned at one time that the “relationship” was taking more of an emotional toll on him than he would have liked. Due to the lack of self-awareness on her part I referred to above, occasionally he had to counsel her on the various aspects of her life, and as a person she did not interest him enough to invest than much energy in her.
Frankly, I was surprised he was able to get it up for her for as long as he was. Seriously.
I know I wouldn’t have been able to, figuratively speaking.
JuJu 28
Curly Girl said: I think many, many women have sex with men they aren’t attracted to for years on end. Think about it.
Heh, look at all the women, historically, who never loved their husbands! Which is how it is beyond obvious that women do not, in fact, automatically develop feelings for each man they have sex with.
Although, I doubt they would pursue a “friends with benefits” situation with men they don’t find attractive.
Selena 29
JuJu #24
“..(something I always said: being attracted to someone and still finding them attractive after having sex with them are two different things).
I’ve always felt the same. When I’ve found myself incompatible with someone sexually, or on other levels, the initial attraction fades out. I’ve never felt the desire to keep a relationship like that going, casually or otherwise.
But plenty of people of both genders seem willing to keep a relationship going despite lack of attraction: they call it “settling”.
Ruby 30
@Ruby, post #13
Maybe he truly valued her as a friend, was hurt at losing a friend, and meant that his marriage so no big deal in terms of their friendship ( presumably without the benefits ) surviving.
Steve,
I did consider this as a possibility after I posted. But I wonder if the “hurt” her friend feels is really just guilt? Who cares about his “pain” or guilt at this point anyway? He’s had his cake and been eating it too (no pun intended). What about G.D.’s pain? And yes, she has brought this on herself, but I have trouble believing that he didn’t straight up take advantage of her feelings for him. She may have known about his feelings for the other girl, but did she know that they were in a serious relationship? “A girl he was into for many years” doesn’t quite sound like a girlfriend to me. Remember, she said she was the one who had to “cut him off”, despite the fact that he “loves his future wife…deeply as he says he does…” Sorry, I still think this man is bad news.
Steve 31
Ruby May 22nd 2009 at 06:31 am 30
I did consider this as a possibility after I posted. But I wonder if the hurt her friend feels is really just guilt? Who cares about his pain or guilt at this point anyway?
Guilty until proven innocent?
What about G.D.’s pain?
GD wrote in and she has been getting advice so nobody is dismissing her.
And yes, she has brought this on herself,
Exactly. Its called being an adult and accepting responsibility for your decisions. She entered the relationship of her own free knowing up front that it was an FWB relationship. Nobody lied to her. She also chose to stay in the relationship after she found herself developing feelings for her friend. She didn’t tell her friend about her feelings either. She is an adult, she knowingly made a bad decision. While she deserves our sympathy as a fellow human being she is not a victim.
but I have trouble believing that he didn’t straight up take advantage of her feelings for him.
Why do you have trouble believing that? GD did not tell him her feelings. Do you have proof that he knew?
starthrower68 32
The problem is, we’re analyzing the guy and he is incidental at this point. It’s about GD being able to move on and heal and the only way she can do that is by making a clean break. All of the “is he this” or “he did this” doesn’t matter at this point. If GD feels she has been wronged, the best thing FOR HER is to let go of the perceived offense. Forgiveness is so WE can be set free.
searchingwithin 33
In my opinion:
I believe the only clueless one here is the fiance.
This is the problem with FWB arrangements, there is not enough honesty with yourself, or each other.
and,
If she remains friends she will waste more of her time holding out for hoping something will happen between this guy and his future wife. Until she has healed, she needs to stay away from him completely, so she can move on to hopefully a healthy relationship.
and as Evan said;
“I hope you won’t accept another friends-with-benefits arrangement ever again.”
searchingwithin´s last blog post…What’s Emotional Maturity, Needs and Denial Got To Do With It?
Lance 34
Definitely agree, she’s just as complicit in this mess as the guy. Obviously, he had a girlfriend for a significant amount of time leading up to the marriage proposal, which means GD and her were having a full blown, long term affair. She needs to start over.
It’s also worth mentioning, the guy probably shouldn’t get married!!
Lance´s last blog post…Vegas Memorial Weekend Sextacular: Preview
Steve 35
@starthrower, post #32
Honestly, I brought up my points about GD’s FWB because I was disgusted by the sexism of some of the comments.
However, I think it is a useful discussion for GD. I’m not an expert, but I think it will help her heal and I think it will help her avoid hurting herself again if she doesn’t view herself as a victim.
Curly Girl 36
Steve: One person’s s*xism is another person’s “great insight into the opposite s*x.” Haven’t you ever noticed that when people start talking about dating that all sorts of strange generalizations start passing as fact? All unsubstantiated, of course. Women get attached through physical intimacy (implying that men don’t). Men are visual when choosing a partner (implying that women aren’t). Men are predatory. Women are gold-diggers. Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah. And then everyone starts tossing around the bad science and it just all unravels from there.
And still, despite the very negative generalizations that people toss around about the opposite gender, everyone wants to get into a “relationship” with one of those folks from the dark side. Humorous, right?
Ruby 37
G.D. dismissed her own feelings, and her friend in turn, did the same. He should be considering G.D.’s pain (and respect her need for space), because if he wasn’t aware of her feelings before, he knows now. As already mentioned, he also has a fiance who probably didn’t know anything about the situation. G.D. needs to get free and clear in order to move on with her life.
starthrower68 38
Steve,
Perhaps the discussion is about FWB is useful from the standpoint of G.D. denying her wants and needs thinking that if she were quiet enough, loved him enough, were good enough in bed, etc., that he might come around. Fact of the matter is, a woman can never make or persuade a man to want her above all others and commit to her forsaking all others. We live in a world where if it feels good we do it or we act based on emotions. I’ve done this too, and once I learned to be involved with someone based on my values, life started going much more smoothly.
starthrower68 39
Tp add a small caveat, one of the things Evan says is that people do what they want to do, which is sounds like FWB did. I’m not making a judgement on his character either way. What I am saying is that GD has seen this is not the right thing to do, he chose how he chose and now she needs to focus on her healing.
delicia 40
@ Lance post #34 – I completely agree about the guy’s readiness for marriage. Although we don’t have the full story and timing of events, if this guy was FWB’ing with G.D. while at the same time dating/pursuing the fiancee who “finally” accepted his proposal, then it doesn’t sound like they were exclusively dating while he was hooking up with G.D. Makes me wonder how much he is actually in love with the fiancee vs. the idea of her and the challenge/chase he had to engage in to win her over vs. if they are truly compatible and have the maturity it takes to make a relationship work for the long haul. I guess only time will tell. I wish the best of luck to all involved.
Angela 41
Ju Ju I disagree. There were times in my life where I just wanted FWB. It really only works if both people are on the same page. In my case I was not in a realtionship and wanted good sex on a regular bases. Found a younger guy that felt the same and for 6 months it worked. The sex was great and we had fun. Althought I genuinely cared for him as a person, I really had no illusion about us having a real relationship. We got along great and when one us found someone we really liked (which was the agreement) the sex ended.
Often though, One person really cares for the other and accepts less in the absence of not having anything. Thats why it doesn ‘t work. Sounds like the case here. Also. seems like he was cheating on his soon to be wife and wants to continue, which makes him not really worth pinning over.
Michael 42
This is sad. I suspect in many of these FWB arrangements one person does feel more and continues on hoping the other will come around and realize it’s more than just booty call after all.
This could happen in FWOB arrangements as well.
Michelle 43
It seems unreal, reading this letter, that a woman could let herself be involved in such an unhealthy relationship – for 5 years!!!
I’m no expert, but there must be deeper issues about GD than she’d care to admit – for one, self-esteem. Please don’t feel hurt by my saying this, GD. I’ve been in your shoes before. I totally empathize with you – it’s easy for a woman start weaving a “fantasy” relationship and making sacrifices for a man once she’s developed feelings for him.
This is not the time to assign blame on the guy. You have to start owning your responsibility for the mess that you’re in – meaning, you have to stop asking questions that don’t really matter: Does he care for me as a friend? was he using me? etc – BECAUSE the answers don’t change anything : he’s stilling marrying another girl and you’re still ALONE. The ONLY question you need to ask yourself are: How can I become a happy and fulfilled human being? I can tell that you’re incredibly unhappy. If this way of living is not bringing you smiles and joy, you need to shift gear.
FIVE years is a long time. You don’t have a lot of 5-years to waste on a man.
Curly Girl 44
I don’t know why everyone is being so hard on the guy. He knew what he wanted in a relationship, he went after it, and when he was rejected or put on hold or whatever by the woman who became the fiancee, he stuck it out and somehow persuaded her that he was the one for her. When she came around he ended his casual sexual relationships. He didn’t hide his feelings from the FB, she hid her feelings from him. We have no evidence that he lied to anyone, and we have no evidence that he cheated on the soon-to-be fiancee. As a matter of fact, that would be a thing G.D. probably would have mentioned had he done it (“He was dating her with intent to marry but sleeping with me! Doesn’t that mean he has feelings for me?”) It could be that he had an unrequited love and was honest with everyone about it and it worked out, and G.D. had an unrequited love and wasn’t honest about it and it didn’t work out. Maybe if she’d have told him how she felt from the start he would have stopped pining for the woman who wasn’t into him (until after unremitting pursuit) and fallen for G.D. instead.
delicia 45
The guy is pretty much irrelevant at this point. As Jennifer, Lexy, and others said, it is now all about GD and her healing process so she can get back on track with her life and re-gain control of her emotions and self-esteem. Whether this guy is a total d-bag or the nicest guy in the world, what’s undebate-able in my opinion is that she will be able to move on with her life much faster if she cuts off contact with him. Maybe someday down the road they can be friends but right now she just needs to move forward.
Sam 46
I admit that an ex-girlfriend of mine is my best friend and an off-an-on (currently off) FWB.
I don’t think being FWB is inherently a bad thing provided there’s a lot of honesty involved. At least it’s sex with someone who is safe, who cares about you, and will call you in the morning.
Michael 47
At least it’s sex with someone who is safe, who cares about you, and will call you in the morning.
That is what the “F” stands for.
delicia 48
Sam, out of curiosity, if your ex is your best friend AND you guys have a physical attraction towards each other, why aren’t you together?? Emotional and physical connection – that’s the holy grail!
Sam 49
Delicia,
There are a few reasons that my best friend/FWB and I are not married.
1. My best friend/FWB does not want to have children and I completely want them.
2. When we were a conventional couple we also argued a lot, which is not something that happens to me in most of my relationships. Even as FWBs we argue about things.
3. I would like to be with someone who is better educated, has a better job, and more mature.
I will say this, being FWB is not necessarily something that entirely benefits the man. My FWB is always the one who decides what we do and when.
Angela 50
Sam,
So the sex must be good then?
Angela 51
My experience with FWB was not with an ex. I think that having it with an ex could complicate things. For me it was a mutual situation where neither party wanted a serious relationship with the other but yet there was a strong physical attraction, and we had fun.Over time there was a development of feelings. I think people try to make FWB something it is not. It’s a bit more than a booty call, IMO. and only time makes it that.
delicia 52
Sam, thanks for the reply…. hmmm, interesting, I guess your situation is a (rare) example of FWB actually working. Good for you and I wish you (and your FWB) all the best!
vlh 53
Why didn’t G.D. keep her options open and date other men? At first sign of any inconsistency, or unreliability, in a partner, you should post a profile on a dating site, or at least a personal ad someplace, and line up dates with men who have a bit more potential. I always have at least one in reserve, in case Mr. Now flakes out and becomes a liability.
lets 54
I have tendencies to be like G.D., to offer all of myself to a guy that I have feelings for and patiently hoping that he would someday realize how fortunate he is to have me and love me as much as I love him in return. Martyr effect. True that a “positive” result can happen but I kind of knew that the percentage is ????? Please don’t allow him to use and hurt you any further. Two years is more than enough. If this person had conscience and is a “FRIEND”, he shouldn’t have allowed this to happen in the first place. He knew that he had no love for you. Respect and love yourself more because you deserve it
lets 55
Hey Michael…comment #47….loved it….thumbs up…lol
Nelly 56
I recently went through this myself. Much worse though. It was a guy i knew for 15 years. Good freindf for 7 years. We went to high schhol, college, worked together, travelled together, the whole nine. I thought i knew everything about him, i even knew about his girfriends. Over the years when i was living my life he got closer to a girl who was freinds with his sister who passed away. He started cheating with her on his girlfreind at the time. Fast forwrd to 2007. We got up one evening and that changed things. He askled me to hang out with him. We traveled to foreighn land together, had great sex. He told me before it all happened he loved me as a friend. Afterwards he said he loved me. I thought he did. Zoom forward…we fought all year over this girl who he said ” was a freind of the family” and “would not move on” from the previous situation. He has had a girlfriend after her. I thought he was single as he said. Well his grandfatehr passed and i attended the funeral. 10 girls were there, including her. WE talked and got the scoop on hiom. He stood up for the girl’s honor and totally dissed me. 2 girld fought him at the funeral after he disrespected them. The “girlfreimnd” looked ion, and is still with him after learning so so so much of his infidelity. I feel like a huge fool. I knew better. I thought i could have him becase of our history and his persistance, our freinds thought he liked me too. He used to show my picture to girls and say this is who i really wanna be with…yeah right…
Gina 57
FWB is a stupid invention for an old scam. There is nothing honorable about being someone’s “friend” while they are online looking for a real deal!
I read all the posts and SO TRUE, if you’ve been in a FWB situation like that and find out later that he was not divorced, STILL MARRIED to his “ex” you do feel betrayed and stupid. Really, yoiu only went on the facts he gave you and they were not true! What a total cluster f$ck and for too many years in my case. In a profound moment, he said, “So, I guess you know me better than I do!” when I was puttiing together the pieces of the puzzle. What a waste of time and energy trying to figure out WHY his “ex” was still on thier property tax roll…but hey, it’s public information and if you have to investigate, DO IT. Absolutely. And this is a bullet dodged, people. I should be doing flips down my driveway in happiness that I AM FREE to pursue something of worth for myself. You are right, once you KNOW, then move ON. He/It won’t change. He’ll find another idiot. Happily, I have met some very different types of men (like normal, not selfish) who also enjoy my company, and one particular One, So, it is better already. G, Kiss off the fantasy ASAP…he’s toxic.
Elizabeth 58
I have a similar experience but we started seeing each other for almost 2 months. He did tell me that he didn’t want a girlfriend at that time but what confused me was he got a girlfriend just weeks after! He met this girl around the same time as he met me but ours obviously didn’t work out. After a few months, we started this FWB relationship and it has lasted over 4 years. At the same time, he’s still with that girlfriend while cheating on her with me. If he’s so serious about her, why is he ”cheating?” And since they’ve been dating that long, likely they’ll get married. I don’t get men’s mindsets. I do however admit I’m shameless for knowingly doing this and stupid for hoping he has feelings for me (he knows I do).
But during these years, no matter how active I am in meeting guys and online dating, nothing has ever worked out and not many men find me attractive or ask me out. I don’t have a self-esteem problem and I’m confident I’m attractive, I honestly don’t know what’s my problem. Anyway, I let this go on and on as I need my physical needs fulfilled and don’t care if I have to be self-fish for it.