Comments on: I Am in Love With My Boyfriend, But I Still Want to Get More Sexual Experience Before I Am Married

By: Steven

Steven — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:50:55 +0000

“And yes, sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to be married to a 29-year-old woman instead of a 40-year-old woman… The grass is always going to be greener. But that doesn’t mean that your grass isn’t pretty darn green.”
OUCH! Glad I’m not your wife. Oh, to be “pretty darn green” – I bet that makes her really warm and fuzzy. I won’t be taking any advice on what info to keep to myself.

By: Billy

Billy — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 20:14:55 +0000

Sarah #29, I really hope your husband finds out about your affairs. He deserves to know. When you’re in a relationship, unless specifically stated, there’s a mutual agreement that you two only have sex with each other. Now nobody is perfect, people will cheat…the thing is, after you do cheat, you have three choices:

1. Tell him about it, 2. Break up with him 3. Don’t tell him and stay with him

Now you owe him 1 or 2. He either deserves to know about it so he can decide whether or not to stay with you, or he deserves the common decency of you not carrying on with him, because:

A. You may give him an STD, or B. He may not want to kiss or have sex with you after you did with someone else.

By hiding it from him, you are making something you did wrong A LOT worse. I’ve been cheated on 3 times. The first two times, the girl told me, and even though I broke up with them, I forgave them and we remained friends. I was only a bit hurt. The 3rd time, I found out myself, and she denied it (after I showed her my proof, she then confessed) and I was VERY hurt, because she had tried hiding it from me, which I found to be more of an invasion of trust than the cheating itself was! That ruined both our relationship and our friendship, and resulted in me having trust issues that ended up ruining my next relationship, which lasted 8 months and would’ve been fine otherwise!

Conclusion – Don’t cheat…but if you do, either tell him/her, or break up with him/her…don’t just carry on like nothing happened…that is unfair to him, and makes a bad situation 10 times worse, and if he/she finds out on their own, 100 times worse.

By: Tamara

Tamara — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:05:31 +0000

Why complicate things with more “experiences”.
His past sexual experiences bother you and make you insecure etc, so why would you doing the same thing make anything better??
Being with several people doesn’t make you a better lover.
I feel that you want to have other sexual experiences not for the experience itself, but to make him jealous because you are. This is not healthy.

By: Greg

Greg — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:33:44 +0000

Jen

It sounds to me like you want to use sex to validate yourself, to prove that you’re attractive. Bad idea. You’re going to get hurt very badly. It also sounds like you’re in a terrible relationship. You might want to consider moving on.

By: Jen

Jen — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 21:20:16 +0000

I’m the woman who has less experience. I was 20 and my partner was 25 when we started dating; we’re now 24 and 28. I was a virgin. He wasn’t. Now neither of us is a virgin. He did some very hurtful things in our relationship (like…not being totally over his ex and bringing her up at every available opportunity for over a year).
In retrospect, I know that had I felt better and more confident about MYSELF, I would’ve thrown a drink in his face and never spoken to him again. But I tolerated that abuse, frequently brought it up and told him I’d like him to stop talking about her/stop asking if I wanted to see pictures of her/stop talking to her, as he had lied to me from the start and insisted he wasn’t in contact with her at all. I was not happy to suddenly have that flipped on me.

It has caused a lot of strife in our relationship. And now, at my age, I have started questioning if I made the right choice. Part of me wants to dump him, go off, see what else is out there, sleep with some people. I have been very, very tempted to cheat despite never having cheated in the past, although the thought that I couldn’t get anybody else…somebody halfway decent anyway…has been a big barrier and stopped me.
I’m out of school now. I have a work-from-home job with excellent benefits, so getting anything in my field around here would only be a downgrade. So, I’m not really in a place to meet men.
As a woman, for me, anyway, my lack of sexual experience has painted my view of myself. I had one other boyfriend before my current partner. Beyond that, I went out with another guy once or twice, nothing sexual, but a date I guess. The first boyfriend was very emotionally abusive to me and indicated that my weight problem at the time reassured him that “other guys wouldn’t look as much.” He was very controlling and insecure.
I see my desire to sleep with other men as the function of multiple factors – including jealousy (“He was my first, why couldn’t I be his? Why did I have to hear about his tramp ex nonstop?”) and self-esteem (“I’ve only had one partner…I must be unattractive, especially that combined with my dating history”). It’s also just the simple fact that I’m getting older and I won’t have much opportunity as I get older, especially after I’m married. That’s assuming the decent route of not cheating, anyway.
We’ve also had a lot of sexual problems in the relationship – his paranoia that he would get me pregnant (which, by his own admission, he did not have with his ex despite having pregnancy scares with her), so we’d only sleep together once or twice a month with gaps of up to 2 or 3 months in between. I had to beg for it. That finally ended about 8 months ago. And…he’s sexually selfish in bed, so that’s yet another hurdle. I guess I can take solace in the fact that despite the fact that he’s had a little more experience in bed than I do, it apparently didn’t do crap for his abilities.
At the same time, we do have a decent relationship. That said, he’s getting very serious about marriage and he wants to plan a week-long vacation in a few months. This is very unlike him and admittedly I am worried that he plans to propose. I have told him that I feel I should get more experience before I get tied down. And yet at the same time, I don’t want to leave.
I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact that I was never really attractive enough to get sexual attention from men until my current boyfriend. If I were to dump an otherwise decent boyfriend now and get back into the playing field – and I’ve got a good 50 pounds to lose – I’m likely to be single indefinitely, and I’ll wind up kicking myself, with little, if any, additional sexual experience while I’m single.
I am watching too many single family members and friends try to work the dating field. If they’re overweight, even if they’re in their 30s, they conveniently never get a second date.

By: James

James — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 06:27:17 +0000

I’d like to offer one more side of this, from a jealous male who’s periodically frustrated about this issue (me being the one with fewer experiences).
From personal reflection it may not be a matter of numbers at all. Rather, it may be that you realize your partner has effectively shut the door to those interesting experiences that they’ve had during their ‘stupid’ years. From my perspective as a guy, i wish i could have had those stupid experiences, but i ended up in fewer longer term relationships instead. Why? Shyness and awkwardness i suppose, but also partly because I felt it was far too shallow to break up with someone simply to try out another girl, so i persisted and ended up with fairly uninteresting relationships. Now that i’ve overcome the issues of shyness etc. it seems like a better chance to make up for lost time with some interesting, new experiences, albeit still serving certain insecurities i’ve yet to overcome.
However, now i’m in a good relationship, but my partner has already had those experiences and seems to be done with experimenting. What this seems to do in my mind is produce thoughts of jealousy over previous lovers and how she was willing to ‘go crazy’ with them, but now she’s not willing to do anything of the sort for me. I do realize it’s the curse of the imagination getting the best of me. Those ‘crazy’ experiences are often the result of the girl’s insecurity not allowing her to turn down certain things at risk of being deemed stale, boring, or what have you (not to mention those ‘crazy’ experiences are very different to the person involved, sometimes painful, sometimes just humorous, although sometimes good as well). But emotionally it is hard to overcome. Questions such as ‘will this be the best i ever get?’ start to well up, and the imagination stirs…for a while, then i get over it for the most part and feel a certain gain in maturity…until the topic swings back around again.

Given my experience, if there’s anything i can offer to this conversation, it’s the following:

1. Regarding insecurity, it’s easy to say ‘self-worth’ should not be defined through sexual experience when your society isn’t guided by exactly that notion. Unfortunately that’s exactly what’s presented and reinforced endlessly in advertisements, bar talk, and chats with friends. Unfortunately, it’s something us guys have to deal with frequently (I can’t speak for girls). Those of us who have the experiences, share them. Those of us who don’t, exaggerate/lie…and then wish we had them. Unfortunately that is the society we (most of the responders here) live in. In India, by contrast, you seem to get much more respect by your ability to RESIST temptation, though i think that’s changing as well based on my conversations. That ought to be much more respectable, but that doesn’t make for interesting discussion now does it?

2. Resisting the temptation to give in to what will (likely) amount to shallow experiences should be looked at as an opportunity to grow personally, or at least re-evaluate your priorities. It would be easy to go after the experience, but you’ll undoubtedly gain more respect later on if it works out and you tell your friends of your unshaken respect and desire for your partner and how you overcame this issue of experience. Undoubtedly, there are plenty of people who will understand and respect that. Knowing your advantages are just as important as knowing your disadvantages. This helps assure me that i’m doing the right thing by riding out my current relationship a bit longer and seeing whether it’s something i’d like to commit to for reasons OTHER than purely sexual experience. After all, it really comes down to my own insecurity, and if i can find a way to beat that in another way, then that has huge potential for personal growth.

By: saint stephen

saint stephen — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 06:32:46 +0000

Sarah #29 and #32
are these both Sarah the same person or just a double coincident of same names reappearing?

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 14:16:52 +0000

Brenda,

I was in your position a year ago after being with my first boyfriend for 2 years. We broke up, and in a few months time I dated several men. We got back together about 8 months ago, and I deeply regret what I did. Even though I got the experience I was looking for, I still feel guilty for what I did. Also, now I have something to compare my boyfriend to, and quite frankly, he is lacking. If I were you I would stay with your boyfriend.

By: Kurt

Kurt — Tue, 31 May 2011 02:09:02 +0000

I feel sorry for the idiot who married Sarah (#29)! If you have no remorse for cheating on the man who became your husband, I wonder what other selfish things you would do.

By: Cat

Cat — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 16:43:35 +0000

Sarah (#29) I think that’s terrible advice and a great way to end up with STD’s (which will certainly inform your boyfriend of your infidelities and have consequences for him as well) and/or an unwanted pregnancy. And there’s no guarantee that your “lovers” will be discreet either. Not to mention, how good are you at keeping secrets from your best friend, your boyfriend, who you’d be cheating on and feeling guilty towards? That’s a whole lot of drama waiting to implode. Doesn’t sound too sexy, does it?

I agree with what Evan said: “You can’t just manage to sleep with 10 guys and run back to your devoted boyfriend and say, “I’m done now! Let’s get married!” and, ultimately, this: “If, in fact, he doesn’t prove to be Mr. Right, you can always get some more sexual experience.”