Comments on: I Am Separated (And Soon To Be Divorced). How Can I Convince Women To Give Me a Chance?

By: Delite65

Delite65 — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:31:32 +0000

I agree with Ruby #30….with dating a separated man whose wife left him. That was my situation with my last boyfriend. NEVER NEVER NEVER AGAIN!!!!

By: Delite65

Delite65 — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:27:16 +0000

I had to learn the hard way as well. I dated a separated man for almost 2 years and when I met him, his divorce became final 3 months later. But boy, was it an emotional rollercoaster dealing with him! He was with her for a total of 12 years, married for 9 years. As time went on we became engaged about a year in a half into our relationship. But guess what happened? He ended up dumping me for someone he was involved in 14 years ago and within 3 weeks of dumping me he asked her to marry him and they got married 4 months later just that quick. How devastating!! No, I would NEVER DATE ANOTHER MAN WHO IS SEPARATED!! You would be the rebound for sure!! Don’t do it!! People need time to healed after a divorce so they don’t carry baggage into the next relationship! This was a lesson I had to learn the hard way!!!

By: Colie

Colie — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 18:28:42 +0000

I am currently going through a divorce & have been separated for 9 months now & recently dated a separated man who had only been separated 2-3 months. He stated that his relationship had been dead for a year and his wife decided to move out. There were red flags, but I decided to ignore them because this man was a gentlemen & seemed emotionally needy like me, so I thought that we were on the same page. He definitely wasn’t ready to move on & in so many words made that clear, but I honestly thought that the wife had moved on & forgotten about him until yesterday when she emailed him stating that she wanted to try again. He quickly said yes without even thinking about whether they had what it took to make it work. I only hope that she didn’t hurry to get him back out of fear that someone else had already picked him up.

By: Selena

Selena — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 19:06:45 +0000

“But if your’re staying together for financial reasons, you’re going to not be divorced for a very long time because life isn’t getting any cheaper.” – Starthrower68 #54

Very astute observation!

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 12:47:08 +0000

I guess it just depends on the people involved. I have been sorta chatting with one guy who is separated but claims they are not divorced because of financial reasons. Now the fact that we only chat when he’s at work sends up a red flag that the marriage might not be as “over” as he says. But if you’re staying together for financial reasons, you’re going to not be divorced for a very long time because life isn’t getting any cheaper.

By: Selena

Selena — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 12:39:32 +0000

I agree that "who dumped whom" isn't as relevent as some may think. Because by the time the final parting comes, usually the relationship has already been in bad shape for some time for both parties. And dating while separated, but still legally married shares the same condition with dating while legally single: it's still all about finding someone who wants to date you - period.

By: Eric

Eric — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 05:30:26 +0000

I agree with all that Evan said.
As one relatively new to rejoining the dating scene, I find this thread interesting on a number of levels. Principally, I am interested in learning to be a better partner in all relationships regardless of the level of commitment, future prospects or sexual involvement. I have no desire to mislead or toy with anyone’s emotions least of all my own. That said, I am merely separated and it will take much longer than I wish for me to completely extricate myself from my last marriage due to financial encumbrances.

I don’t begin to claim that I can speak on behalf of others in my position but I do have clear opinions on several of the points raised above.

At the outset, I understand and respect the wishes of all who prefer not to date those who, like myself, are separated or in the process of divorce. I raise no argument to dissuade you of your position. However, I do take objection to the notion that I should do anything but date until the ink has dried at least 365 days on my divorce papers. I decide when I am ready and offer to date whomever I choose. They are free to decline on any grounds and are under no obligation to give explanation.

It is not possible to be completely “over” our past relationships. Their tentacles tug in so many subtle ways both good and bad. Regardless of where you fall on the nature vs. nurture argument, we are all indelibly impressed with our past and more significantly our responses to it even if we are unaware. At best, we can try to identify self-defeating patterns and behaviors, discover their source and work to replace them with new, healthy behaviors. That task is never complete as each change in our ever evolving world makes some behaviors that were beneficial in the past now counterproductive.

Benchmarks for progress toward the goal of social intelligence and personal evolution are still imprecise. Time alone does not promote social progress. Rather, our quality of life and personal satisfaction are directly related to our commitment toward personal growth and our awareness of the needs of others. We each define for ourselves what constitutes maturity and how much social intelligence we deem appropriate and compatible with our class and goals.

With that in mind, I can say with clear conscience that I have more to give to a new partner today than I ever had with my past partners. I further have every intention of becoming a still better partner tomorrow. Those I offer to date will have to decide for themselves if I am sufficiently advanced.

Regarding who dumped whom. Does it really make a difference? I’m the one who pulled the plug on my marriage with my ex. It was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do but efforts to reconcile failed miserably and I refused to be taken advantage of any longer. However, throughout our breakup and divorce, my ex and I have worked hard to maintain a cordial relationship. We are forced by our financial ties to interact with each other and there seems to be no reason to become bitter or act vindictively. Cordial does not imply that either of us seek to reconcile now or in the future. I made it quite clear when we broke up the final time that all efforts to reconcile had been exhausted and that it was no longer nor would ever be again an option.

In summary, I do not follow the crowd and I’m not waiting years more before I get into another serious and committed relationship while at the same time I’m in no rush to do so. That a legal document attesting to our commitment is some time away is not a deterrent for me though it might be for others.

Good luck to each of you in your pursuit of love!
Eric

By: Adrienne

Adrienne — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 19:39:54 +0000

Hmmm – Not certain of Pat’s age but . . .

Avoid women in their 30’s that have never been married and had children of their own. I have to be honest, I’ve found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with . . . last October at 36. Just two days before I met him (after a disaster with a man who was separated and divorcing) my best friend who made me pinky-swear over the phone three times: I want to be married and have a family. I want to settle down. I will re-read the book Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others until my eyes fall out. I will only date men who are ready to settle down and that have never been married or had children. I will not date anyone over the age of 40.

Why that mantra? For me? For other women like me that have had a few go-rounds, they get back with their ex. . . or – aha! They heal with you for many ‘years’ then marry someone else who has been married/divorced/children. Why would I turn Pat down?

I’m now 37 – I don’t have that many years left. If I want to craft the life I desire: I can’t wait 3 years. What happens at 39/40 if he changes his mind after the divorce? So in Pat’s case – perhaps dating a younger woman in her 20’s who DOES have the time to see what happens after 3 years would work? And she might not have already been through the rodeo.

Hey! Those experiences I did have were invaluable. Wouldn’t trade them for the world. But I’m not alone. I have many friends in my space and place and they would say the same thing: I already LEARNED those lessons of loss. Now it’s MY turn to learn the lessons in commitment and the deep love that goes with it.

It might seem harsh, but if you want to be married and have a family – you have to go with men who are 100% available. Not just from a separated/divorce standpoint – but all levels. If the women you are approaching are in their mid to late 30’s and they say at the singles situation you are meeting them in: I’ve never been married or had children. And you ask them out and they say, “No.”

I’m here to be honest. It’s in the Four Agreements. Take nothing personally. Don’t stop trying and kicking yourself over the “No”>

I’m sure she’s out there but you have to stack the deck in your favor by approaching women who aren’t in this demographic. I actually own an online magazine for single women 35-55 (launched in May) and my little pups (myself included) tend to be very focused on the family. That three years of waiting could totally destroy a woman’s chance to having a full marriage/family life. Sorry to focus on marriage, marriage, marriage – but I’m a woman reading Evan’s site. If I didn’t want that – then I would have no business being here. And his insights obviously worked for me because he’s here in my life now.

By: April

April — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 00:53:49 +0000

If you’re the type of man or woman who thinks completely different from the opposite site sex then great, but there are also just as many men and women who think and react very similarly.

By: April

April — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 00:49:15 +0000

Actually I feel better when I do things to cope with stress.