Jan08

I Have a 20-Year-Crush on A Man – And He Still Hasn’t Asked Me Out!

08:00 am on Jan 8th 2009 Evan Marc Katz

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61 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice

61 Responses to “I Have a 20-Year-Crush on A Man – And He Still Hasn’t Asked Me Out!”

1. Honey Jan 8th 2009 at 08:28 am 1

   I have to say that Evan’s right on. Guys that want to ask you out, do. Guys that don’t, don’t. And obviously she knows this is true or she would have asked him out herself a long time ago – but she hasn’t because she knows that he’d a) say no, and b) probably it would make things too awkward to continue the friendship. It’s easier to live in a fantasy where it still might happen then to do something definitive that would shatter that fantasy permanently.

   Honey´s last blog post…Snowboarding, Sickness, and a Breakdown at the Grocery Store

2. Steve Jan 8th 2009 at 10:44 am 2

   Maria;

   I agree with Evan. I would also like to emphasize Evan’s central point because I have burned myself on it so many times before. As have many other people:

   You and the person you are interested in are just like everyone else. If that person is interested in you they will act like they are interested in you and in all of the typical, obvious ways. Rationalizations in your mind or from their mouths don’t count. If they don’t act interested in you, they aren’t interested.

   Men ask women out they are interested in.

   Having written that, I have recently had some nice experiences on match.com with women initiating contact with me. IF you can handle being rejected right away or after several nice dates, THEN you might want to risk asking him out and letting him know your feelings since you have been good friends for so long. If you are not afraid of being disappointed, go for it, you have nothing to lose.

3. thomas Jan 8th 2009 at 11:53 am 3

   How did his wife get him and how did that all play out? Did she go after him and ask him to marry her?

   It does not matter if it a man or a woman, sometimes, people get to the edge and never go past it. They need a little push. If he is riding the fence, then he has brought you with him. As you can tell, riding the fence has given you a rash in the groin, in a figure of speech. Get off the fence and decide what side you want to be on.

   For every action there is a reaction. If you push him into a relationship, then he is either going to give into the push or he will go the opposite direction. Still, your relationship will not be on a teeter totter.

   I have had a few female friends in the past that were in the same situation. They would hang on me, rest their head on my shoulder, spent quality time with me, grab my arm in public and escort me when we would walk, run their fingers through my hair, fall asleep with their head in my lap, …. you get the picture…

   When I would ask them what was up, if they were interested in me, they all reacted the same, they stopped their actions. Some people like the idea of attention without strings attached. Sometimes, it gets to the point where the other person has gone past a point where you have to ask them what their intentions are. Be up front and direct. Tell them that if they are interested then take it to the next level. If they are not interested, then the behavior has to stop.

   I have several situations in my life where I ask someone out and they ask me about my girl friend, the girl that is hanging on me. When I explain to them that she is just a friend and nothing else, the woman that I am after always tells me that it does not look like it.

   If you are out in public and the two of you are be buddy-buddy, other men that are potential mates are going to get the idea that you are already involved with someone. They are less likely to ask you out.

   You do not want to do it, but it has to be done. Be up front and honest with him. Tell him what you want and figure out if the both of you have the same goals. The attitude of, I might do it, I might not, is not going to work. It has not gotten you anywhere yet, and it is not going to. Jump in feet first into the water and see what happens.

   If he truly wants to be with you, then he will he will, if he does not, then he will back off and his behavior will change.

   It almost sounds like he is playing both sides of the fence. He is getting his attention, but is not committed to you. One side of the fence or the other. He is stringing you along and you are letting him.

   I do not recommend mind games, but once in awhile, they can not hurt. Take him out and introduce him to other women and see how reacts. If the two of you are out, talk to other men and see if he gets defensive.

   Another thing, you might have just a really nice guy that is a good friend. Sure there are a lot of those out there. You might be reading too much into his actions. When he says he loves and will do things for you, it might be more of a sister kind of thing.

   Two great people, do not always make a great couple.

   He might be that guy that you can count on when you need to move and need an extra hand. I do not know the whole story or his side, but that just might be all that it is. He might be the nice guy that will always be there for you, to pick you back up when you fall down. But that is all that he is, a nice guy with a positive attitude.

   If is he just a nice guy, with nothing but the best intentions, then you might be stringing him along as well. You might be trying to make him something that he is not. When he says some things to you, he might be just telling you want you want to hear, to make you feel better. He might be just telling you things, to make you fell good about yourself.

   It almost seems like he is a comfort blanket. When things are bad and cold, you can always talk to him to make things better and warm.

   Ask yourself, do you want him to be your brother or the man that you wake up next to in the morning. Your actions will show what you really want.

   Go find out who he is.

   Is he a nice guy that is like a brother?

   Is he someone that just likes attention with no strings attached?

   Or is he sort of an introvert that needs a little push to get over the edge?

   Once you find out who he is, a lot of your headaches will end.

4. Rachelle Jan 8th 2009 at 01:58 pm 4

   Yes, I’m going to use that tired & cliche’ phrase of…

   “He’s just not that into you!”

   I don’t understand why we, as women, get into situations like Maria and try to justify the heck out of it. We always think “our” situation is different. We can have friends & family pointing out the obvious and still we don’t get it. It’s when you are removed from the situation aka getting out of Fantasyland, that you will see it for what it is! Bottom line, if the guy was interested, he’d be asking you out already.

   Believe me, I’ve been there!

   I agree with Evan totally, let it go & move on!

5. Steve Jan 8th 2009 at 02:01 pm 5

   @thomas, post #3

   Thomas, I have been in the situation you describe in the quoted part of your post #3. I never knew what that was about. Your idea fits and that Marie can take from it is good. FWIW, I think this quote says it all well, the rest of post #3 isn’t needed

   
   I have had a few female friends in the past that were in the same situation. They would hang on me, rest their head on my shoulder, spent quality time with me, grab my arm in public and escort me when we would walk, run their fingers through my hair, fall asleep with their head in my lap, …. you get the picture…

   When I would ask them what was up, if they were interested in me, they all reacted the same, they stopped their actions. Some people like the idea of attention without strings attached. Sometimes, it gets to the point where the other person has gone past a point where you have to ask them what their intentions are. Be up front and direct. Tell them that if they are interested then take it to the next level. If they are not interested, then the behavior has to stop.

   I have several situations in my life where I ask someone out and they ask me about my girl friend, the girl that is hanging on me. When I explain to them that she is just a friend and nothing else, the woman that I am after always tells me that it does not look like it.

   If you are out in public and the two of you are be buddy-buddy, other men that are potential mates are going to get the idea that you are already involved with someone. They are less likely to ask you out.
   

6. Jennifer Jan 8th 2009 at 02:21 pm 6

   @Honey #1- you have a great line in your post
   “It’s easier to live in a fantasy where it still might happen then to do something definitive that would shatter that fantasy permanently.”

   Until Maria faces the fear of her shattered fantasy, and all of the related repercussions like feelings of rejection etc., she will stay stuck and be susceptible to being sucked back into this relatinonship. The good thing is, she doesn’t need him to give her an ‘answer’ one way or the other…she just needs to realize and beleive that she’ll be okay without him. She’ll handle it and live through it. Easier said than done, but still very doable when she’s ready.

7. Selena Jan 8th 2009 at 02:23 pm 7

   20 yrs.? Oh my.

   Maria,
   after all these many years why haven’t you initiated a discussion with him about being “more than friends”? If you are as close as you say you are, why hasn’t the subject of…”say have you ever thought about maybe us together…?” ever come up?

   I had a male friend for many years that I would sometimes think of as a romantic possiblilty in a vague way. It wasn’t until after several years I once tentatively broached the subject with him. He said he had thought about it too sometimes, speaking just as cautiously as I did.

   We never did ever get together and I could say it was timing–it seemed we were never single at the same time, or at least once I was single but still “getting over” someone else. In retrospect, I think the desire to be couple just really wasn’t all that strong for us. And that the idea of how if it didn’t work out, there would go the friendship.

   I suspect your friend may feel the same way if he has ever entertained romantic ideas about you. They may have been there, but not strong enough to act on; not compelling enough to risk rejection and possibly the end of a fulfilling friendship.

   And I think you know/feel this yourself. Otherwise, YOU wouldn’t have put off having such a conversation with this man for 20 years. Fantasy IS a lot safer than what the reality could turn out to be.

   You can continue on this way, in fantasy love, or you could follow Evan’s advice. Or you could decide to be a big girl and ASK your friend if he had ever thought of having more than a friendship with you. It would open a discussion, and no matter which way it went, you’d be forced out of fantasy and open yourself up to what happens next.

8. The Seductress Within Jan 8th 2009 at 02:24 pm 8

   Maria,

   He feels safe with you, comfortable, glad you give him female attention and companionship and all of that wonderful stuff.

   He is not, in my opinion passionate about you or feeling the same kind of attraction you are.
   If he were feeling it, he would not be able to prevent himself from acting on it.
   It sounds like this fantasy you have entertained in your mind has taken on a life of it’s own-you imagine he feels it too, but I don’t think he does.

   The Seductress

   The Seductress Within´s last blog post…Attraction And The Color Red

9. Joe Jan 8th 2009 at 03:33 pm 9

   It’s extremely unlikely after 20 years, but on the off chance that he does have feelings towards you, ask him out on a date yourself (and make it clear that you’re asking him out on a date, not just to hang out as friends). Whatever he says, you have your answer. If it’s affirmative, pursue it. If it’s negative, move on, nothing more to see here.

10. Zann Jan 8th 2009 at 04:21 pm 10

    Great Job, Evan! A direct response to what Maria has presented as a “unique” or complicated situation. Except it’s neither. I have done some pretty incredible magical thinking in my time about what I perceived as a unique, special, smoldering, endless, star-crossed lover situation, and all I can say is if the guy hasn’t made the move after all those years, he’s not going to. But don’t take my word for it — just tell him how you feel and see what he does. He may squirm and hem & haw, and make excuses but what he says doesn’t really matter, it’s what he does. Why set up scenarios or situations to test him? Not necessary. Just ask the man. And if it’s not mutual, let it go. It’s his loss, but he’s had the pleasure of your devotion for too long. Time to take care of you & get YOUR needs met. Good luck.

11. downtowngal Jan 8th 2009 at 06:52 pm 11

    thomas #3 said “…When I would ask them what was up, if they were interested in me, they all reacted the same, they stopped their actions” ….maybe they were testing you?

    Either way, I agree w Evan, if the guy’s into you he’ll make it known. At this point you should be true to yourself. Just as a guy will do what he wants to, you do what you feel is right for YOU.

    Start out by pulling back, don’t answer his calls. If/when you both eventually speak again and he asks you why (which he probably will), tell him the truth about how you feel and why you’ve been incommuicado. That throws the ball back in his court. If he moves ahead w you, great. If not, you’ll have your answer.

    If you never hear from him again, or if you do but he’s oblivious to the long hiaitus, then you’ll have your answer.

12. downtowngal Jan 8th 2009 at 06:53 pm 12

    I also wonder, if you had such amazing chemistry from the onset when you were both single, why did you both marry other people?

13. Shalini Jan 9th 2009 at 04:03 am 13

    I am shocked that after reading all of Evans blogs you still don’t understand that you wont find your “autobiography” on any site or anywhere in the world. Someone who didnt propose to you in 20 years of time and got married and divorced in that time will never do so…

    And most of all you should not compare people to your ex- boy friend, lover etc. because there is a reason why you are not with that person!!!! You should not forget that reason!

14. hunter Jan 9th 2009 at 07:21 am 14

    I remember asking a woman out(that I was attracted to) for almost 10 years. I remember her saying things that pushed my away/turned me off. I would ask her to stop that, but she was blind as a bat. Had no idea what I was talking about.

15. cinnamon Jan 9th 2009 at 07:24 am 15

    downtowngirl,
    With respect to “Start out by pulling back, don’t answer his calls. If/when you both eventually speak again and he asks you why (which he probably will), tell him the truth about how you feel and why you’ve been incommuicado. ”
    I must admit, this is something I personally put into category “gameplaying”. If I was on the receiving end of such treatment, it would never turn into anything positive.

16. hunter Jan 9th 2009 at 07:24 am 16

    I blamed myself for years, until at a singles seminar I heard a woman ask the therapist, “How does a woman become more feminine?” Therapist replied, “Mostly keep your mouth shut.”

17. Steve Jan 9th 2009 at 09:22 am 17

    downtowngal Jan 8th 2009 at 06:52 pm 11
    thomas #3 said “…When I would ask them what was up, if they were interested in me, they all reacted the same, they stopped their actions” ….maybe they were testing you?

    Interesting comment downtowngal! Do you mean testing the man to see if he is interested? I ask because what happened to Thomas happened to me a few times during my college years. I always chalked it to up the to woman being unsure of how much she liked me. Is it a ploy to get the guy to declare how much he likes the woman?

    Start out by pulling back, don’t answer his calls. If/when you both eventually speak again and he asks you why (which he probably will), tell him the truth about how you feel and why you’ve been incommuicado. That throws the ball back in his court. If he moves ahead w you, great. If not, you’ll have your answer.
    

    I also agree with another piece of advice frequently repeated by Evan and that is to not play games. Maria and this guy aren’t college kids. They can afford to be a little bit more direct and honest. IMHO after knowing the man for 20 years I think it is okay for Maria to invite him out to lunch, express her interest and ask him if he is also interested.

    After 20 years of being friends he may have trained himself to think of her in only that way and possibly, a nudge in another direction might change things.

    Fair warning Maria, I don’t think it is likely, but what have you to lose?

18. The Seductress Within Jan 9th 2009 at 10:07 am 18

    Cinnamon,

    I don’t see pulling back as game playing at all. Pulling back is exactly what she should do so she can get her head straight and begin to focus on other men. It’s the healthy thing to do.
    He’s not asking her out.

    The only other possible thing to do is to come clean but I wouldnt do it for a couple of reasons.

    1.) From obvious evidence, she already has her answer.

    2.) What if he like the woman in Evan’s post, “Does my girlfriend want me back or is she just using me” has a case of loving the ego boost she gives him, likes having female attention and companionship and gives her a mixed signal answer that strings her along further because he doesn’t want to loose his good end of the bargan?

    Just because someone is honest and asks outright, doesn’t mean they’re going to get a honest answer back. She’s too vulnerable IMO what with 20 years of a crush to sort through his possible B.S.

    Let him go, Maira, don’t you want to be desired madly? Laying yourself out on ice hoping that he “someday” makes a move does not make you hot.

    Besides, I’ll bet if they did date, he’d fall off of that pedestal she put him on mighty fast.

    The Seductress Within´s last blog post…Attraction And The Color Red

19. cinnamon Jan 9th 2009 at 10:55 am 19

    Seductress,

    I think maybe I didn’t express myself clearly enough or misunderstood the intention behind downtowngirl’s advice.

    I think pulling back and reducing (or stopping) contact as a way of moving on with your life, giving up on someone who is not reciprocating your feelings and focusing on other men is by all means a healthy thing to do.

    However, pulling back and not answering calls in order to make the other person ask you what’s up, or, even worse, to make them figure up themselves what’s bothering you, is in my opinion a case of game playing. And it makes you still stuck on the guy. But probably we all have different standards for what we consider game playing, testing etc.

    Otherwise, I more or less agree with what Evan and the rest of commenters advised so far.

20. Steve Jan 9th 2009 at 12:50 pm 20

    cinnamon Jan 9th 2009 at 10:55 am 19
    I think pulling back and reducing (or stopping) contact as a way of moving on with your life, giving up on someone who is not reciprocating your feelings and focusing on other men is by all means a healthy thing to do.

    However, pulling back and not answering calls in order to make the other person ask you what’s up, or, even worse, to make them figure up themselves what’s bothering you, is in my opinion a case of game playing.

    Well put.

21. Selena Jan 9th 2009 at 04:19 pm 21

    I also agree with Cinnamon. Pulling back to move on from a crush is healthy. Doing so with the hope of forcing the other person into some kind of action is game playing.

    Yes, it is more likely than not her friend just isn’t interested in a romantic relationship Maria after all these years. But…it IS also possible that yes, he has trained himself over the years not to think/react to her in that way, or also possible that he has gone on believing all these years that SHE didn’t ever think of him in that way.

    I know it’s possible, because I didn’t have the convo with my friend until after 10 years, and we both admitted to having “the thoughts” but never mentioned it to each other for those very reasons.

    Bottom line: you will never know until you ask. And after 20 years…? Wouldn’t you feel foolish playing games with such a close friend?

22. The Seductress Within Jan 9th 2009 at 06:02 pm 22

    Cinnamon, Yes, I see what you meant now. There is a difference. One that would be freeing for her and one that would keep her stuck in this place longer.

    The Seductress Within´s last blog post…Attraction And The Color Red

23. downtowngal Jan 9th 2009 at 10:34 pm 23

    cinnamon, Steve et al,

    By ‘pulling back’, I’m not suggesting game-playing. I’m suggesting she look after her own heart/interests, step back and realize what’s going on.

    Guys are creatures of habit. If she continues to be there every time he calls, she’ll remain in the same rut pining away for him and he’ll consider her the same friend. But if she’s not there, he’ll notice, and miss her, and if he does have feelings for her, at this point he’ll notice. But she can’t expect that, she’s gotta do this for her, have a chance to consider her own feeling and move on.

    Of course, she could tell him straight out how she feels. But – and I’ve heard this a million times from my guy friends – actions speak louder than words and guys often only hear what they want to. And it probably won’t solve anything because she obviously has feelings for him and he’ll continue to behave the same way.

    I’ve been there where I dated a guy who wasn’t ‘ready’ or couldn’t commit, etc. And every time I tried to be direct and honest I got nowhere. It was only after I stopped returning his calls when he noticed. But after having to do this too many times I finally just cut the cord.

    I’ve also been on the other side, w a guy friend who liked me, but I didn’t feel the same way. We were honest w each other. He then stopped calling me/didn’t return my calls. I was hurt and missed him but understood. His actions didn’t cause me to change my feelings for him but it did make me respect him more.

    So perhaps you can view this as a game, but I see it as acting out of her own interests. There’s no way a guy would put up with this, so why should she?

24. hunter Jan 9th 2009 at 11:08 pm 24

    “Actions speak louder than words.” 65% of communication in a relationship is “BODY LANGUAGE.”

25. cinnamon Jan 10th 2009 at 12:53 am 25

    downtowngirl,
    Well I guess it all depends on what you’re looking for in a relationship. I, personally, do not want to be in a relationship where not answering calls is used to communicate “I want you to commit”, “I want you to spend more time with me”, “I want you to give me more attention” or “I want you to have sex with me”.
    If that was the kind of communication I was subjected to, or if that was the kind of communication I would have to restore to to get through to the guy with something I already openly asked him for, then I would seriously reconsider if I’ve invested my feelings with the right person. As you experienced yourself, it only works short term.

26. thomas Jan 10th 2009 at 05:33 am 26

    Maybe that is the problem… he has been putting up with it for 20 years. What is his story? Did he get tired of waiting, that is why he got married to begin with? Maybe he felt she was kind of there for him but maybe not, like mixed signals. He might not know where he stands with her at that level, so he does not take it seriously.

    After 20 years, maybe he gave up on ever having something romantic. If she never voiced her concerns about her strong desire in the past, then why would he think about them now?

    I have heard a number of women say that guys are clueless when it comes to knowing if someone has a crush on them.

    After reading what everyone else has wrote, I say jump in feet first. If it happens, then it happens. Never look back with regrets as to if it might have happened, or it could have gone a certain way. It is either or either not.

    Go up to the guy, whisper in his ear that you have always had a crush on him. Next drag your nose across his face so that barely rubs on the skin, then give him a peck on the lips, closed mouth. Get it done and over with. You have waited 20 years, why wait another 20 more? If he does not have the same feelings, move on and have your next 20 year crush.

    For me, I can can go years where I do not get sleep and I am always running behind. I have just gotten to the point where time is short and I can never get enough done. I have no problem going up to someone and being blunt.

    It might even be best to do it cave man style. She should just drag a club behind her, point at the guy and say, “me you couple, now”. Then hit him with the club and drag him home. At some point, if you want something to happen, you are going to have to be aggressive about it. Nobody is going to make things happen for you, except you.

27. downtowngal Jan 10th 2009 at 06:46 am 27

    And Steve, to get back to your question about women who are affectionate among guys, it could be a test but I agree w you & Thomas, women like this are often just in it for attention. They could be acting this way because they feel safe with the guy as a friend so their guard is down, or they’re just flirty. I had a friend in college who was always flirty w guys, touchy/feeley, etc. Some of them took her up on her offer, only to be rejected. Others saw what the women at the sidelines saw, just a tease.

    But it doesn’t sound as if this is the case with Maria.

28. Michael Ejercito Jan 10th 2009 at 10:39 am 28

    Maria,

    Why do you not ask him out?

    Do you expect others to wipe you after you use the toilet as well?

29. starthrower68 Jan 10th 2009 at 06:22 pm 29

    I wonder – and I’m not being critical just putting the question out there – if Maria receives some sort of emotional “payoff” by holding on to the unrequited longing for lo these 20 years? It may be some sort of comfort zone thing. Evan has a way of getting right down to the bottom line of things; it is the truth and the truth shall set ye free.

30. downtowngal Jan 10th 2009 at 06:30 pm 30

    cinnamon, I’m actually repeating what Evan has advised in his previous posts – i.e. “if you don’t like how you’re being treated, then leave.” “Best advice, do nothing.”

    By oontinuing to speak with a man who does not seem to be reciprocating her feelings, Maria needs to be honest with herself and ask if she wants to continue hoping for something that may not happen She could either tell him outright how she feels, or just cut him off and move on. Otherwise it’ll be the same cycle.

    My point in mentioning my experience wasn’t that I was hoping for a committment by holding back. It was that, after directly speaking with him about an issue, but not getting anywhere, not being his convenience seemed to be the only way to get through to him. Otherwise I would’ve been perpetuating the same situation.

31. Selena Jan 11th 2009 at 07:23 am 31

    She’s had a crush on him for 20 yrs., but he may not have a clue as to that. Why should he if she’s always treated him as a friend? I think having a friend suddenly cut you off for no reason you are aware of is a pretty low thing to do. Some friend.

32. Kenley Jan 11th 2009 at 08:02 am 32

    I have a question that hasn’t been addressed so far. She says he is a good friend — has been a good friend for over 20 years. From what I can tell, the friendship has been mutually supportive — it doesn’t appear that he is just using her. So, just because he doesn’t want to add a sexual component to the relationship, why should she give it all up. Just as good romantic partners are hard to come by, so too are really good friends.

    There have been men in my life that are really good friends and for a minute, I thought I wanted something more, but I got over it. The fact is good friends typically last a whole lot longer than boyfriends. And I really, really value my friendships with men. So, I wonder why does it have to be all or nothing. Why can’t just continuing to be his friend while looking for a romantic partner be an option too. She’s done it before so it seems to me that she can do it again.

33. downtowngal Jan 11th 2009 at 10:49 am 33

    Selena, if she feels more than just friendship for him, but he’s not reciprocating, then she needs to decide if she wants to continue this friendship the way it is. Of course, it wouls suck, but it sounds as if she’s having expectations for him that may not be valid.

    You even said, why should he have a clue if she’s always treated him as a friend?

34. starthrower68 Jan 11th 2009 at 12:08 pm 34

    Kenley, you make some good points. Could it be that Maria wrote her letter to Evan in a moment of high emotion? Could it be that when the emotions have had a chance to subside, that she will think about this similar to those of us objective third parties?

35. Selena Jan 11th 2009 at 06:22 pm 35

    downtowngal,

    I think I understand your points in the main, and agree with them. If Maria’s “crush” feelings toward this man are keeping her stuck in some ways, she might well be better off sliding out of the friendship.

    However, we’re talking a friendship of 20 years here and there is nothing in the letter to indicate this guy has been stringing her along lo these many years just because he never asked her out. To abruptly end such a long friendship without any kind of explanation as to why… seems to me a bit cold. And rather cowardly.

    Seems to me you should be able to be honest with someone you’ve been friends with for 20 years. Otherwise what kind of a friendship do you really have? Rereading her letter, she mentions she has tried to cease contact with him several times to concentrate on another guy, but then he calls and rekindles emotions in her. So why not tell him this is what happens? If she’s serious about concentrating on someone besides him anyway.

    She also writes she’s “recently” divorced so there many be some other things going on with all this as well. Dunno.

36. downtowngal Jan 12th 2009 at 05:00 am 36

    Good points, Selena. But I still think that if her feeling for this guy are holding her back, she should do something. It certainly won’t be easy because this guy has been a part of her life emotionally for some time, but we make choices in life. And if she wants things to change she’ll have to get out of her comfort zone.

    His calling her whenever she’s decied to move on was essentially testing her. Again, she has to evaluate what she wants and act accordingly, and only she would know the best way to handle this.

37. Lance Jan 12th 2009 at 05:24 pm 37

    Two options:
    1. Go out and get him drunk (and yourself while you’re at it) and seduce him using traditional chick methods of seduction. You know what they are so I don’t need to list them here. Wear a pushup bra.

    2. You could just ASK him to ask you out. Or ask him out first. If he says no or hems and haws, then you have your answer! Simple and efficient.

    See how easy that was?

    Lance´s last blog post…Thought Leader Interview Series: David Wygant

38. thomas Jan 13th 2009 at 08:55 am 38

    Lance,

    I agree with you on that. I was just trying to be a bit more subtle when I said

    “Go up to the guy, whisper in his ear that you have always had a crush on him. Next drag your nose across his face so that barely rubs on the skin, then give him a peck on the lips, closed mouth. Get it done and over with.”

    I guess that you carried the idea to the next step

39. Samantha Jan 13th 2009 at 08:41 pm 39

    I have been told/read about this very issue. If he hasn’t asked you out, there is a reason. He doesn’t want to. Unless you can crawl inside someone’s head, you don’t know what their motivations are exactly. He could be a little bit selfish and use her company to boost his ego when he is needing it. I bet he has a clue she ‘likes’ him and he may enjoy the attention. It’s not a real friendship anyway if she has to severe the friendship in order to move on with her life. Friendships between men and women just dont work when one has expectations or wants more and the other one doesn’t. 20 years? May be someone has intimacy issues herself and hasn’t faced them.

40. Kenley Jan 14th 2009 at 05:29 am 40

    I think that her friend is getting the raw end of the stick from some people. Why is he being selfish and feeding his ego because he enjoys her company? Why do we assume that he can read her mind and knows that she wants something more? Why isn’t it that he is content being her friend and he thinks she’s content being his friend too? Again, she didn’t say anything to indicate this man is selfish. Why do we always have to attribute such negative motivations men? Why can’t she be content just being his friend?

41. cinnamon Jan 14th 2009 at 12:47 pm 41

    Thomas,
    “Maybe that is the problem… he has been putting up with it for 20 years. What is his story? Did he get tired of waiting, that is why he got married to begin with? Maybe he felt she was kind of there for him but maybe not, like mixed signals. He might not know where he stands with her at that level, so he does not take it seriously.”

    I have a feeling such a situation would be too unbearable for a man to stay in. I think the last thing a person would do in such case would be to want to “stay friends”.

    However, talking about guys being clueless about who has a crush on them….
    “Go up to the guy, whisper in his ear that you have always had a crush on him. Next drag your nose across his face so that barely rubs on the skin, then give him a peck on the lips, closed mouth.” – That’s not a subtle signal of interest. If anything less than a signal on this frequency is too weak for a guy to catch, then it is probable that he might feel he was receiving unclear signals, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that she was sending mixed signals…

42. hunter Jan 14th 2009 at 05:52 pm 42

    My dearest Cinnamon, please decode the last paragraph for us guys on this blog. What are you saying?

43. Steve Jan 15th 2009 at 09:36 am 43

    @hunter post #42

    That last paragraph by Cinnamon in post #41 was crystal clear to me.
    Maybe there are some things you can’t learn by reading a PUA site?

44. cinnamon Jan 15th 2009 at 02:07 pm 44

    Thanks Steve!

    And I’ve just started to believe I must have some special talent for encrypting my messages and pictured myself in a career as a spy

45. Jerry Jan 19th 2009 at 10:51 am 45

    Maybe, I misread something. First, you would think he would have asked her out if interested. But, why could she ask him out on a date. Otherwise, she will keep waiting for the date that may never come. If they are such good friends, it should be easy to communicate her true feelings and find where she stands with him.

46. The Girl To Go To Jan 21st 2009 at 04:12 am 46

    Lol. Maria, you should read this…
    3 Easy Ways To Attract A Younger Man

47. hunter Jan 21st 2009 at 10:03 pm 47

    Steve, give me your interpretation of, “If anything less than a signal on this frequency is too weak for a guy to catch, then it is probable that he might feel he is receiving unclear signals…”

48. hunter Jan 23rd 2009 at 08:08 am 48

    Girl to go,,,,,, some men will persist, even,,,,,,,, when,, there is no body language. Some men operate on the pretext, that,,, a womans feeling change, with persistance. A woman may say “no” this moment, but, that, does not mean “no” forever.

49. hunter Jan 23rd 2009 at 08:10 am 49

    …Isn’t that called, “Chasing?”

50. Karl R Jan 23rd 2009 at 11:17 am 50

    Hunter: (#47)
    If a man requires an overt physical signal like the one described by Thomas (#26) in order to recognize that a woman is interested in him, then it is probable that he has failed to receive any number of more subtle signals that she has sent him.

    If the man requires a kiss on the lips before he gets a clue, then it’s rather likely that eye contact, “mirroring”, and compliments won’t be considered “clear signals” by the man. In his mind, he hasn’t been receiving clear signals. Even though, in the lady’s mind, she’s been sending consistent signals to the man.

    I don’t know whether that’s the case for Maria’s friend, but it’s at least remotely possible.

51. Adrian Jan 23rd 2009 at 09:59 pm 51

    I think starting to ignore him is extreme, & maybe rude as well. First, “No contact” does not mean being a d**khead. It means not initiating contact, & being cool, calm, & cordial when & if he does. Not being mean, hateful, etc.

    it isn’t easy.We know.

52. hunter Jan 25th 2009 at 07:41 am 52

    Karl, I agree with you.

    However, in every day life, I have to say, most men don’t get the overt physical signal from a woman, Thomas wrote about. The clues are subtle, where if a man doesn’t get them frequently,(the plain, average looking man doesn’t) he won’t see her.

53. Maria Feb 9th 2009 at 11:10 am 53

    I appreciate and have read everyone’s great advice. Thank you. The man in my initial letter confessed to me recently that I was his fantasy lover. He also said that he views me like a sister. Go figure!! LOL And men will say that women give mixed messages!!! I have come to the conclusion, without ever “pushing the envelope,” that it is what it is. I no longer pick up the phone at 10 PM when he wants to talk. I miss laughing with him, (we have always been able to laugh at even the most horrific circumstances in each others lives.) He has been calling more, not less. Always, what are you doing? What are your plans for the weekend, and NEVER asking me out. I am dating, and busy. I feel better, more in control of my emotions because I don’t talk with him so much. Life is good, I have met a couple quality men online. No love connection yet, but at least I am now OPEN to it!!

54. A-L Feb 9th 2009 at 06:14 pm 54

    Good for you, Maria! Thanks for the update.

55. hunter Feb 9th 2009 at 08:44 pm 55

    Maria, I think this man is lonely, and just wants to talk for now.

56. casualencounters.com/blog Feb 18th 2009 at 12:19 am 56

    Congratulations, Maria. Good luck with your search online.

    casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…“The tragedy, the true catastrophe, is that humanity continues.”

57. Jaye Feb 27th 2009 at 08:01 am 57

    I think you already have your answer. If she can be “just friends” with him, that’s great. But if he hasn’t asked her out in 20 years of friendship, it’s just not going to happen.

    I’m speaking from experience on this. I had a college friend I was friends with for almost eight years, and I had feelings for him pretty much from the beginning. In all that time, he never asked me out. I thought we were meant to be, and I made excuses in my mind as to why he wouldn’t ask me out. I even moved to the same town he moved to, in part b/c I was convinced we were destined to be. I finally fessed up, and in face he already knew I liked him but he was totally not into me. I spent eight years being unavailable b/c of someone who wasn’t interested in being anything other than my friend (and he strung me along to boost his ego at that – he admitted such). In the end, we couldn’t even remain friends.

    It has been two years since I stopped being friends with this person, and releasing myself was the best decision I ever made. My current boyfriend of three months is a shy and reserved person, and yet he had no problem asking me out not long after we met.

    My point is that there is no excuse worth waiting years for. If he is interested, he would’ve asked her out by now. He hasn’t, so he’s not into her. That simple. She should focus her efforts elsewhere and stop wasting decades of her life.

58. Maria Feb 28th 2009 at 05:25 pm 58

    Hi Jaye, and wanted to give you all an update. The man in my initial letter phoned me this week and admitted to having a couple of drinks prior to calling me to muster courage. He said, “you know maria, we would be a great couple. Instead of talking on the phone all the time why don’t you just please come over to my home so we can spend some time together.” I didn’t know what to say. You have all helped me move on, and the moment I thought would never come, finally came -but my gut response was indifference. Women are accused of playing games, but truly I am not trying to. Once I moved on, I just moved on and I don’t think there is any going back. Right now I have a crush on someone else (which is probably going nowhere and will not last 20 years), and thats where I am. Timing is everything. As the world turns….

59. hunter Feb 28th 2009 at 08:47 pm 59

    Maria, sounds as if, it took him too long to respond, some men are slow…..

60. Li-Ann Mar 3rd 2009 at 10:26 am 60

    I think I would take Evan’s well considered advice, and let it go. I’ve been there myself, so I speak out of understanding. I would not suggest asking him out. You’ve spent too many years building up your hopes, and you are likely to be shattered upon finding out that nothing was there.

    I had a crush on a man from age 17 to 32. I also made up excuses – he’s shy, he’s afraid of rejection, and so on. We didn’t really have any contact – it was more a case of seeing him at events and group outings. I felt firmly, and I still do today, that chasing him and asking him out would put me in a losing position. So I waited patiently for something to happen. The only thing I had to go on was he stared at me, and that he apparently twice asked my friends about me. Bottom line: he never did a thing.

    Two years ago, he turned 48 and married a 24 year old foreign woman who he sponsored her immigration over here.

    I can understand the rationalizations. I know that actually asking him out and having nothing come from it would have shattered me. I’m glad I didn’t expose myself to the humiliation. Much of my feelings were built up by illusions I had about him. By giving him up I would also be giving up my hopes and dreams, and face really nothing. It was difficult to give up on him.

    I now wish I hadn’t wasted my time with him. I did date men all those years and had several long term relationships, but always had him in the back of my mind. It turns out that it was a waste of my feelings and energies.

61. hunter Mar 3rd 2009 at 07:23 pm 61

    I am wondering if he stared at your figure.

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