Comments on: I Have a Crush on my Boyfriend’s Friend. What Should I Do? http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/ Mon, 15 Mar 2010 23:14:25 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: downtowngal http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-50192 downtowngal Fri, 13 Nov 2009 11:42:40 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-50192 It's one thing to admire photos of others while you're in a committed relationship.  It's another to provide photos of yourself to your BF's best friend.  Think about it, single people do this when looking for dates.  I lived with a guy for 3 years and would have NEVER thought of sending a photo of myself to his best friend.  If it were his request, I'd say that's a pretty strong signal that he's not just intersted in friendship. It’s one thing to admire photos of others while you’re in a committed relationship.  It’s another to provide photos of yourself to your BF’s best friend.  Think about it, single people do this when looking for dates.  I lived with a guy for 3 years and would have NEVER thought of sending a photo of myself to his best friend.  If it were his request, I’d say that’s a pretty strong signal that he’s not just intersted in friendship.

]]> By: JerseyGirl http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-50021 JerseyGirl Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:45:02 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-50021 Kenley, I totally agree that one gender doesn't have the market cornered in doing wrong by the other. And I certainly don't think women can do no wrong. That's not the impression I am trying to give.   I however do think men and women act and respond to different triggers. As I said before, I don't agree with what she is doing. But I am not ready to call her a cheater and say she deserves bad karma. I DO think she needs to ask herself what she is getting out of this other "relationship" with her boyfriend's friend that she isn't getting from him and have an open talk with her guy. We all hit rough patches. I think we all question the person we are with at some point to varying degrees. Millions of committed men today spend an awful lot of time looking at women in sexually vunerable positions on a regular basis. Is that any worse then a a committed woman sending a picture of herself to another man? I don't know if it is. I do know that the things that bother women and bother men can be very different. Again, I don't think this girl is in the right but I don't think she is a cheater either. The reason people seek out other people or use other things to statisfy themselves is because something is missing. That's her responsiblity to find out what it is and talk to her boyfriend so he knows what is going on. Kenley, I totally agree that one gender doesn’t have the market cornered in doing wrong by the other. And I certainly don’t think women can do no wrong. That’s not the impression I am trying to give.
 
I however do think men and women act and respond to different triggers. As I said before, I don’t agree with what she is doing. But I am not ready to call her a cheater and say she deserves bad karma. I DO think she needs to ask herself what she is getting out of this other “relationship” with her boyfriend’s friend that she isn’t getting from him and have an open talk with her guy. We all hit rough patches. I think we all question the person we are with at some point to varying degrees. Millions of committed men today spend an awful lot of time looking at women in sexually vunerable positions on a regular basis. Is that any worse then a a committed woman sending a picture of herself to another man? I don’t know if it is. I do know that the things that bother women and bother men can be very different. Again, I don’t think this girl is in the right but I don’t think she is a cheater either. The reason people seek out other people or use other things to statisfy themselves is because something is missing. That’s her responsiblity to find out what it is and talk to her boyfriend so he knows what is going on.

]]> By: Kenley http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-50008 Kenley Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:28:42 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-50008 JG,   I think sending pictures could take her to the verge of cheating because it suggests to me something that's clearly sexual.  Notice I said if the emails and conversations were just about general stuff.  If the emails and conversations were sexual in nature, then they too would place her on the verge of cheating.  She would be in the ABC phase or the all but physical contact phase. In this particular instance, I am not commenting on what guys do.  I am commenting on what she is doing.  SHE is sending pictures of her BF's friend.   She asked him if she could send him pictures -- he didn't ask her.    This is not about guys looking at pornography.  This is about a woman in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP sending pictures of herself to another man. In the scenario that you just mentioned about guys looking at women, now days, women themselves are sending guys pictures of themselves in sexual positions.   Or women are posting sexual pictures of themselves on my space, facebook, and even on their dating profiles.  Don't these woman have any responsibility for their behavior?  Or is everything that goes wrong between men and women the man's fault? As a long time female reader of this blog, I'm kind of tired of what seems like a  women-can- do -no- wrong -and -men -can- do -no -right theme that seems so prevalent lately.   I know plenty of women who screw men over just as I know plenty of men who screw women over.   I don't think one gender has the market cornered in that regard. JG,
 
I think sending pictures could take her to the verge of cheating because it suggests to me something that’s clearly sexual.  Notice I said if the emails and conversations were just about general stuff.  If the emails and conversations were sexual in nature, then they too would place her on the verge of cheating.  She would be in the ABC phase or the all but physical contact phase.
In this particular instance, I am not commenting on what guys do.  I am commenting on what she is doing.  SHE is sending pictures of her BF’s friend.   She asked him if she could send him pictures — he didn’t ask her.    This is not about guys looking at pornography.  This is about a woman in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP sending pictures of herself to another man.
In the scenario that you just mentioned about guys looking at women, now days, women themselves are sending guys pictures of themselves in sexual positions.   Or women are posting sexual pictures of themselves on my space, facebook, and even on their dating profiles.  Don’t these woman have any responsibility for their behavior?  Or is everything that goes wrong between men and women the man’s fault?
As a long time female reader of this blog, I’m kind of tired of what seems like a  women-can- do -no- wrong -and -men -can- do -no -right theme that seems so prevalent lately.   I know plenty of women who screw men over just as I know plenty of men who screw women over.   I don’t think one gender has the market cornered in that regard.

]]> By: Kristyn http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-50004 Kristyn Wed, 11 Nov 2009 18:01:27 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-50004 I guess I wonder how much of the phone calls/emails/picture sending her boyfriend knows about.  If he knows about all of it - then I think its probably harmless.  If he is in the dark about it, then I don't think it is in any way, shape or form innocent.  I could see me emailing pictures and calling a male friend while in committed relationship - if I really truly considered it just a friendship.  If I had more than friendship feelings, or if I thought he did  - then I think it crosses over and becomes disloyal.  I doubt she'd like it if she found out he was phoning/emailing/sending pictures to another woman. Just my thoughts I guess I wonder how much of the phone calls/emails/picture sending her boyfriend knows about.  If he knows about all of it – then I think its probably harmless.  If he is in the dark about it, then I don’t think it is in any way, shape or form innocent. 

I could see me emailing pictures and calling a male friend while in committed relationship – if I really truly considered it just a friendship.  If I had more than friendship feelings, or if I thought he did  – then I think it crosses over and becomes disloyal. 

I doubt she’d like it if she found out he was phoning/emailing/sending pictures to another woman.

Just my thoughts

]]> By: JerseyGirl http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-49966 JerseyGirl Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:44:46 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-49966 Kenley,   Why is it the pictures part of it that makes her on the "verge of being disloyal"? Does it matter what kind of picture it is? How many men save pictures or look and get off to pictures of other women that are in very sexual positions and completely naked and vunerable? ALOT. But that's okay right. Kenley,
 
Why is it the pictures part of it that makes her on the “verge of being disloyal”? Does it matter what kind of picture it is? How many men save pictures or look and get off to pictures of other women that are in very sexual positions and completely naked and vunerable? ALOT. But that’s okay right.

]]> By: Selena http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-49952 Selena Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:46:56 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-49952 Kenley, Part of what made some posters irate about this woman was that she was seemingly going after her boyfriend's friend. I question how close a friendship that could be if they haven't spoken in 3 years. If this couple broke up, would it still be such a major breach of loyalty for her to look up someone they both knew but had ended contact with years before? As far as making excuses...I think it's pretty transparant she is interested in this guy for more than friendship...why write a <em>dating coach </em>for advice otherwise?  Maybe she is hoping to cheat. Or maybe as one commenter suggested, she wants attention.  I simply offered up another possibility I've seen happen before when existing relationships go south - one partner tries to line up someone new in hopes of avoiding any time being alone.  I don't find that method to be honest personally, so that's why I recommended Sharon make a clean break and take some time to reflect before exploring anything new. If she did, she might reconsider the wisdom of getting involved with her ex's old buddy.  Or maybe not, since it doesn't appear the guys are such close friends anymore. Either way, the morality of this depends on an actual breakup, not "It's complicated." Kenley,

Part of what made some posters irate about this woman was that she was seemingly going after her boyfriend’s friend. I question how close a friendship that could be if they haven’t spoken in 3 years. If this couple broke up, would it still be such a major breach of loyalty for her to look up someone they both knew but had ended contact with years before?

As far as making excuses…I think it’s pretty transparant she is interested in this guy for more than friendship…why write a dating coach for advice otherwise?  Maybe she is hoping to cheat. Or maybe as one commenter suggested, she wants attention.  I simply offered up another possibility I’ve seen happen before when existing relationships go south – one partner tries to line up someone new in hopes of avoiding any time being alone. 

I don’t find that method to be honest personally, so that’s why I recommended Sharon make a clean break and take some time to reflect before exploring anything new. If she did, she might reconsider the wisdom of getting involved with her ex’s old buddy.  Or maybe not, since it doesn’t appear the guys are such close friends anymore. Either way, the morality of this depends on an actual breakup, not “It’s complicated.”

]]> By: Kenley http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-49935 Kenley Wed, 11 Nov 2009 06:18:37 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-49935 Why are people making excuses for a woman who is on the verge of cheating on her boyfriend and has the NERVE to ask a dating and relationship expert how best to do it?  I just don't get it.   Selena, why should it matter if the BF and the friend haven't spoken? Why are people making excuses for a woman who is on the verge of cheating on her boyfriend and has the NERVE to ask a dating and relationship expert how best to do it?  I just don’t get it.
 
Selena, why should it matter if the BF and the friend haven’t spoken?

]]> By: Selena http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-49903 Selena Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:28:11 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-49903 I'll hazzard the guess Sharon's current relationship is rocky and perhaps she senses the end is near.  The idea of rekindling a friendship after 3 years of no contact with this guy is actually a fishing expedition for a replacement boyfriend. Some people can't stand the idea of being single for any length of time, perferring to go seamlessly (sort of) from one lover to another.  Amazing the number of people who do this - especially with help from the internet. Better off making a clean break Sharon. Take some time to reflect before jumping into a new relationship.  Sounds like the guy figured out being your "friend" wasn't such a hot idea given you and your boyfriend were still together. He might be more interested if the relationship were over for awhile and there wasn't quite the smell of you trying to "latch on to him" about it all. And just a thought to the other  posters about disloyalty:  how good of friends could this fellow and Sharon's bf be if they haven't spoken in 3 years? Hmm. I’ll hazzard the guess Sharon’s current relationship is rocky and perhaps she senses the end is near.  The idea of rekindling a friendship after 3 years of no contact with this guy is actually a fishing expedition for a replacement boyfriend. Some people can’t stand the idea of being single for any length of time, perferring to go seamlessly (sort of) from one lover to another.  Amazing the number of people who do this – especially with help from the internet.

Better off making a clean break Sharon. Take some time to reflect before jumping into a new relationship.  Sounds like the guy figured out being your “friend” wasn’t such a hot idea given you and your boyfriend were still together. He might be more interested if the relationship were over for awhile and there wasn’t quite the smell of you trying to “latch on to him” about it all.

And just a thought to the other  posters about disloyalty:  how good of friends could this fellow and Sharon’s bf be if they haven’t spoken in 3 years? Hmm.

]]> By: Kenley http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-49886 Kenley Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:24:41 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-49886 JG, We will have to agree to disagree on this one because in my world, a woman who is emailing and sending pictures to her boyfriend's friend, is indeed being disloyal.   A chat on the phone or an email here and there about general stuff is fine.  Emailing pictures crosses the line.   And for me, deliberately pursuing a man when you still have a boyfriend, is disloyal behavior.   Perhaps the bad Karma she deserves is  for someone she cares about to be disloyal to her.  I don't think that is such harsh punishment because for many, many people, unless they experience something themselves, they don't develop empathetic feelings.   I know this from personal experience.  I was very good at saying what people should do, think, and feel in various situations.  However, once I experienced  some of those situations myself, I had a totally different perspective.  All of a sudden, behaviors and feelings I couldn't understand, made complete sense to me.  I think that fact that she wrote Evan and asked him what to do suggests that she's not especially empathetic regarding disloyalty and cheating. JG,
We will have to agree to disagree on this one because in my world, a woman who is emailing and sending pictures to her boyfriend’s friend, is indeed being disloyal.   A chat on the phone or an email here and there about general stuff is fine.  Emailing pictures crosses the line.   And for me, deliberately pursuing a man when you still have a boyfriend, is disloyal behavior.
 
Perhaps the bad Karma she deserves is  for someone she cares about to be disloyal to her.  I don’t think that is such harsh punishment because for many, many people, unless they experience something themselves, they don’t develop empathetic feelings.   I know this from personal experience.  I was very good at saying what people should do, think, and feel in various situations.  However, once I experienced  some of those situations myself, I had a totally different perspective.  All of a sudden, behaviors and feelings I couldn’t understand, made complete sense to me.  I think that fact that she wrote Evan and asked him what to do suggests that she’s not especially empathetic regarding disloyalty and cheating.

]]> By: Some other Steve http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-boyfriend%e2%80%99s-friend-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-49880 Some other Steve Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:14:11 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2100#comment-49880 @Sharon: "<em>It's complicated</em>" Whenever one sees "It's complicated", it usually means "I can describe it in two sentences, but that description makes me look bad". That certainly applies here... @Sharon: “It’s complicated”
Whenever one sees “It’s complicated”, it usually means “I can describe it in two sentences, but that description makes me look bad”.
That certainly applies here…

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