I Have a Wonderful Boyfriend, But My Ex Keeps Me Hanging On
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Dear Evan,
I have a bit of a situation right now. My college sweetheart whom I have dated for the past 5 years decided to move out of town. On that account, he decided to break off the relationship with me because he says that he is not ready to be in a relationship right now, but wouldn’t mind to come back with me once he’s ready (which is according to him in the next 5 years – after he has finished fooling around). It has now been a year and a half, and during that time, I have been dating this new guy who I really like. However, I find myself being emotionally unavailable for this guy because somehow I’m still hung up on my ex as I have this image that he will come back to me in the future. My ex basically keeps me on a leash – he’s not my boyfriend but he contacts me every day and knowing that I love him, it’s hard not to resist. The guy I am dating now doesn’t know of this situation and my ex also doesn’t know that I am dating someone else. It’s hard for me to make a decision on who I should commit to. My ex asks if I want to come back with him – but I’m worried that due to his past behavior (non-committal behavior) that he will just end up breaking my heart again and again just like before. But at the same time, I feel that I’m not available for this new guy and I feel that I am cheating on him. Can you help shine a light in my love life?
Cheers, A.
Until you cut him off, you will never be free to love again.
Cut him off.
Cut him off now.
Until you cut him off, you will never be free to love again.
Your ex knows it and loves it and exploits it mercilessly. He thinks he’s being a nice guy because he was “honest” that he needed five years to fool around, but all he’s doing is giving you false hope at a non-existent future.
Actions speak far louder than words – both for you, and for him.
His action – breaking up with you – should have spoken volumes about how he felt about you, but, apparently, it did not. Because the message – YOU GOT DUMPED SO HE COULD SLEEP WITH STRANGERS – is lessened by the fact that he still calls you every day and talks about getting back together eventually. How nice for you.
And your action – allowing your selfish ex to continue this charade, and committing emotional adultery on your current boyfriend – says a lot about how you feel. You already know this and you called attention to it in your email.
So where does this leave you, A? With a pretty clear path, if you want to know the truth. Consider your options:
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55 Comments »Filed Under Letting Go
starthrower68 1
While it is easier said than done, Evan’s spot on. Cut it off. Get mentally tough because as long as you have ANY sort of contact at all with the ex, you’re leaving him room to manipulate you. The pain of giving up the fantasy is a lot eaiser than the pain of constant doubt and manipulation. You know this situation is wrong and it’s messing with you or you would not have written Evan.
Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach 2
I agree with Evan also. Unless you process the end of your relationship with your ex-boyfriend as if he will never come back, it is hard for you to move on. I know this is often hard to do. Your mind always moves faster than your heart. You already know that your ex is not the right one for you, but your heart is still attached. To properly heal and to let go for you to fully learn from your brake up and to prepare for a better relationship next time takes time. Congratulations for already taking the first step to ask for more support by asking a question from an expert! Wish you the best!
.-= Mikko Kemppe – Relationship Coach’s last blog ….Why Do Women Cheat? =-.
Selena 3
” YOU GOT DUMPED SO HE COULD SLEEP WITH STRANGERS ”
Pretty blunt and to the point. Yeah, I gotta agree with Evan, it’s past time to dump the college sweetheart who’s put you on his back burner for the last year and a half. I’d tell him too that you have found someone else.
If you do really like the new guy, start putting all your focus and energy into him. I have to wonder though, how much you REALLY like him, if you’ve been holding onto these feelings for your ex, daily calls, etc. He may turn out to be “the transitional guy”. Don’t suppose you’ll know though until after you finalize it with Mr. Back-burner.
Honey 4
Yeah, I’m with Evan on this one. Men don’t dump their girlfriends and move to other cities if they’re invested in the relationship. If he was invested, then he would do everything in his power on a daily basis to make sure that the woman he loved was happy and wanted to stay with them.
So, he doesn’t love you – you’re his backup plan. Who’s okay with that? I wouldn’t be.
.-= Honey’s last blog ….Revelations Part III: What’s Your Fighting Style? =-.
delicia 5
wow evan, bravo!!!!! could not have said it any better myself. Would like to add, to the OP: the ex is NEVER going to change. He obviously has emotional/commitment/intimacy issues that he’ll need to figure out on his own if he chooses to. If you think that someday he is just going to wake up one day and be a loving, committed boyfriend… well, I don’t mean to sound overly harsh but you are being completely delusional. I know it’s easier said than done but heed Evan’s advice, allow yourself to be in a loving, healthy relationship and walk, no run away from the ex, as fast as you can. (shouldn’t be too hard since it sounds like he has moved away) Good luck!!!
Paul 6
I’m surprised you were able to keep this guy you’ve been dating, and I’m assuming a good guy, and keep this thing with your ex going at the same time…not surprised that you could, that you would. It’s called dishonesty and deceit. Is that good relationship material? I think not. How would your current (“new guy” – of 1 1/2 years!) guy feel if he found out? Your playing with fire and you are probably going to end up hurting the guy who does want you. Evans right. You are playing with anothers heart.
Ava 7
Can’t imagine anyone would disagree with EMK here. Your ex is getting all the benefits of a relationship with you, with none of the commitment. Since you’re already dating a guy you say you “really like”, what are YOU getting out of keeping this long-expired, dead-end relationship going?
starthrower68 8
This is one of those situations where the answer seems obvious to all of us on the outside, but because the OP is close to the situation, it’s difficult to see the forest for the trees. This is why a) you want to make sure you maintain a healthy amount of objectivity in a relationship and b) you make sure you have friends who have your best interests at heart who are not afraid to tell you what you need to hear.
Selena 9
@Ava #7
That puzzled me also. Usually when you “really like” someone, your ex seems rather inconsequential. I wonder how long she has been dating new guy?
BeenThruTheWars 10
Look at it this way. Your ex was probably cheating on you when you were together, you just may not have known about it. He is behaving like a scum now, basically, keeping you hooked in due to his own insecurities. What makes you think he won’t continue cheating on you even if you DID get back together? Once a cheater, always a cheater. You have allowed him to treat you like crap this long, why would that change? Do you really want a philandering husband? No… ? Then cut bait. Change your phone number and e-mail address if necessary. Cold turkey. Frankly, if it were me, I would do it with a “Dear John” e-mail, not a call where you can hear his voice and he can beg/sweet talk you into giving him another chance. He doesn’t deserve any considerateness on your part.
JerseyGirl 11
I actually agree with Evan here…completely..which doesn’t happen that I agree completely with him on things.
Marc 12
She needs to consider the feelings of the guy she’s currently dating. If he finds out that she’s still speaking to the ex, all she’ll have left is some guy who dumped her to screw other chicks.
.-= Marc’s last blog ….WHAT THE F&$% ARE YOU TALKIN’ BOUT, WILLIS?! =-.
Diana 13
The only person who can keep you on a leash is yourself. It’s not easy to admit to ourselves that we can sometimes be our own worse enemy or enabler. I believe there are deeper issues at work here that lie within your inner makeup. What is it about yourself that makes you continue to love and want to continue envisioning a supposed future with someone who broke up with you to admittedly fool around for another five years and then toy with your emotions, trying to keep you hanging on with what is likely his professed romantic garbage when he calls you daily!?
It’s so painful to let someone who you dearly love go. I know this all too well. It’s gut-wrenching, and one of the hardest things a human being can experience. But you owe it to yourself most of all, and to the guy who you now like to stop torturing yourself over and over again. You can’t be there in the way that your new guy deserves, as you know.
Let your ex go … no matter what he says or does, and he may say plenty. You MUST stand strong. No man who truly loves you would do these things! And I don’t mean let him go by just stopping all daily contact with him. Let him also go in your heart. This letting go will be a grieving process that you need to experience, and honestly, I think it was a mistake to start dating someone new until the feelings with your ex were dealt with head on and that situation concluded. Look at what has started to happen? You’re cheating on your new guy with an ex who is lying, and manipulating you. That is a terrible way to start a relationship.
It’s never too late. Let the ex go. Give yourself time to heal. Then with a clear heart you will know what your next move should be.
Great advice, Evan.
casualencounters.com/blog 14
So right on. CUT. HIM. OFF.
The End.
Steven 15
Let’s call a spade a spade; you don’t have a “wonderful boyfriend”, and you don’t “like” him; you have a sucker – a sucker you cheat, abuse and exploit.
Your rendition of being kept “on a leash,” is apt. No doubt because on a leash is where you feel you belong and a place you so richly deserve.
Do yourself a favor: cut the crap and become a woman of your word.
Datingdownunder 16
Stop thinking of your Ex and just think of all the good things in your present boyfriend. If you keep thinking of any good things in your Ex, you will never be able to Cut him off! Think of all the Bad that he did to you and dumped your relationship. Just give your best to your new relation and forget the past!
.-= Datingdownunder’s last blog ….Keeping Balanced In A New Relationship =-.
FrogPrincess 17
All I can say is… Amen and Amen! The advice here from EMK and everyone else is spot on. I loved what EMK said about how when our fantasies die, a part of us dies with them. That’s so true and it hurts SO bad. But the thing is, something old always has to die in order for something new to be born.
.-= FrogPrincess’s last blog ….The World’s Most Boring Date: Part One =-.
downtowngal 18
Evan, right on!!
Selena and Steven, good points. You have to wonder about this new guy, it seems as if OP is treating him the same way her ex BF has been treating her.
Makes me wonder, do guys sense if a woman is not 100% emotionally there? Is that part of the appeal?
It seems that whenever a woman is really into a guy he gets scared away, so we’re taught to be cool and confident, perhaps date 1 or 2 other guys at first and keep the main guy guessing until he commits. Yes, it’s game playing, but many guys have told me that anything that makes them try harder for a woman they like makes her more attractive.
Maybe this is why I’m still single. I’m happy if I meet one decent guy and suck at game playing.
Diana 19
I just realized that in a similar way, you’re doing to your new guy what your ex is doing to you. You know how this feels, so please … show some integrity, do the right thing. And I think you know what the right thing to do is, even without writing to a dating expert for the answer. You just may not want to deal with it.
Helen 20
I have a somewhat different take on this.
Like Evan and all the commenters above, I do agree that you should cut off contact with your ex. Don’t be apologetic about it, and don’t indulge in LONG explanations (I should know; I have done these things far too often in the past). Just say, “This isn’t working for me; please don’t communicate with me anymore.” No need to specify a reason.
HOWEVER, it doesn’t sound as though you’re really deeply in love with this new guy, either. I would think that, regardless of whether your ex is contacting you, you would know whether or not you were crazy about the guy you were dating. If you’re not… then is he really the right one for you? There is nothing wrong with continuing to date him to find out, but you should also probably keep your eyes open for other men. So long as you are just in the dating stage with this other (nice-sounding) guy, there is nothing wrong with keeping your options open. Don’t fear being unattached.
Liza 21
Cutting him off! I had a similar situation, except I was the one who ended the relationship of 3 years. I met this great guy who liked me alot and treated me well. During this time my ex kept calling me everyday saying he loves me and wants to get back together. I told him I’m not sure, and I’m dating someone. He kept pursuing me and I continued to talk to him. Few months later I find myself falling for the new guy. I adored everything about him even his faults. He felt the same until he found out that over a month ago my ex sent me a pic and I sent him one back. He dumped me and I am left with a broken heart. This was the very first time I have been 100 percent at fault. There is not a day that goes buy without regrets. I should of cut him off.
Anisa 22
Two questions:
1. What if she wasn’t seeing/dating someone?
2. If he comes back to her and she is single at that time: What about a second chance? Can that be a possibility?
Steve 23
@Anisa post #22
Would you want to be someone’s fallback choice ?
Anisa 24
It is not about me.
But I can imagine that someone needs a break (maybe 6 months, 5 year for a break is too long) to sort things out. Or to think about what he or she really wants in life. People can grow in time.
But maybe that is another topic.
In this case of A., the ex wanted to fool around and maybe come back to her after 5 years. I fully agree that the best thing for A. to do is to cut him off.
Carolyn 25
I was in this situation and I still hold deep feelings for my ex. I was dating someone for 6 months who I wasn’t in love with and then it ended because I had “hope” that my ex and I would get back together. It all took place two weeks ago when I went out with my ex and we had a lovely romantic getaway weekend. Well, suffice to say I haven’t heard from him since. Actually, I told myself that I will need to break cold turkey and not speak to him. Easier said than done. Anyway, haven’t contacted him and vice versa. It’s extremely hard to think someone who can act one way and then turn off his feelings totally. Unfortunately, my boyfriend of 6 months wasn’t having it and found me back on match.com and thought I was seeing someone else. Well, yup it was my ex and now I’m left with no one. I wasn’t in love with my current boyfriend so, it might have been a little easier when I ended it with him. I broke his heart. Well, back to the dating scene.
Brian 26
Another thing to consider is the lack of depth of your conversations with your ex. I am assuming you spend a considerable amount of time with your current boyfriend, but you can never talk to your ex about it. You always have to say “a friend” or lie and say it was one of your friends that you went out with. Your ex is doing the same, so there is a huge part of your lives that you have to pretend does not exist when you are talking to each other. So that only leaves surface level discussions which are not really a relationship.
The previous advice of move on is exactly correct!
.-= Brian’s last blog ….Question #2: My Ex-Wife Is Now My Sister In Law =-.
Steven 27
Anisa @ 22
“Two questions:
1. What if she wasn’t seeing/dating someone?”
2. If he comes back to her and she is single at that time: What about a second chance? Can that be a possibility?”
If she was forthright with the guy she is “seeing”, there’s a good chance she wouldn’t be seeing him anymore.
The guy she calls her “ex” who really isn’t her ex because they’re still in some kind of relationship has all the chips. Unfortunately, it looks bad for her because he seems to know what she’s about and is acting accordingly.
The two losers are the girl, and the guy she’s calling her “boyfriend”. The only one winning is her “ex” who has backup whenever he’s in town and wants sex.
Ava 28
To A: It’s been a year and a half. You need to have a serious talk with your ex to find out what he’s up to. I would tell him there’s someone else in the picture now. Does your ex want to see you or just hang on the phone? Find out his intentions, spend time together again, if it comes to that. You’re not forcing the issue (maybe because you don’t really want to know). Let your ex know that you’re not available to just “date” or talk on the phone. Once you do, you may find that he hasn’t changed, and new guy may become a lot more appealing.
Gail 29
Has anyone ever seen the movie “The Holiday”? While it may not have been the best writing it was a pretty close description of this situation.
As far as second chances and taking breaks – my mom always used to tell me – if a man dates a woman for longer than 2 years without making a commitment (like engagement) he won’t.
I would agree with just about every post here – he’s taking advantage and it’s all to his benefit. After a five year relationship you may just need some time “off” of all relationships to heal and figure out what you really do want. And if the current guy finds out you will have sabotaged this relationship.
moon 30
These folks must be pretty young…mid twenties? I do know some couples that formed at this time and have married and stayed together…well, okay: one. I don’t know the average age of EMK’s audience but I suspect we are a little more, uh, “mature,” in general.
It matters not a ton, but I have seen men get more serious about relationships as they age. However, they usually make a serious statement and move to go along with it. I agree with Evan: buh-bye. Which will probably make him chase you more. Why are men like this? It’s more than once I’ve seen a man I care for turn into a the guy I always wanted after I was D-O-N-E: DONE! Happens to my girlfriends, too.
Agree with downtowngirl’s statement: “Makes me wonder, do guys sense if a woman is not 100% emotionally there? Is that part of the appeal?
It seems that whenever a woman is really into a guy he gets scared away, so we’re taught to be cool and confident, perhaps date 1 or 2 other guys at first and keep the main guy guessing until he commits. Yes, it’s game playing, but many guys have told me that anything that makes them try harder for a woman they like makes her more attractive.
Maybe this is why I’m still single. I’m happy if I meet one decent guy and suck at game playing.”
Evan-wtf?
moonsical
daisy 31
Such dilemma does happen in dating and in life. Why not accept it as it is? Most of all, don’t feel bad because you (or others) might think you were “cheating”. To me, it is really not… You are true to your true feelings and also true to your wishes… The situation is there to be and not your fault.
Second, I trust that you have the wisest decision to make for yourself. If you wait for your ex to come back, or if you cut off from ex and decide to go full-speed with the current candidate, or if you don’t do either, I am sure it is the best choice, because only you know how much trust, hope and love you have in each case, and how much price you need to pay… after all, life is a big game. What do you want to get from all these experiences when you leave it?
Chris 32
I read some of the comments and I have to say a few things. For the poster, its obvious he is using you and you are using your current bf. I think your damaged goods in THIS relationship but could do it right if you start over AFTER cutting the ex out for good and figuring out what kind of man you want and not need in your life. Another thing I have to say is, if a woman plays hard to get it makes her less attractive (dont care attractive she is) and thus not worth it, and I mean that in the extreme and I know many guys who feel that way. I see any woman who feels they need that sort of attention as flaky or fair weather at best, you raise children, not your mate!People like to play games which is fine but they wont have much luck playing them with me, if were talkin about an xbox knock yourself out. Also in regards to the comment about someones mother saying that if a man does not get engaged to you in two years he never will, thats absolute garbage (plenty of co-habitating couples report better stats than legally married ones and more happiness…times are changing so sink or swim), and that this person is a prime example of the women you stay away from. Two years believe it or not is a very short time. Imagine I marry someone after two years and she is a complete monster, now I have to figure out how to get away from her and deal with possible kids in the mix, you gotta be crazy, its up to each couple to figure that stuff out there is no instruction manual that says 2 years…what a nutcase.
Anisa 33
Chris (# 32), how do you explain the men who more or less neglect their loving girlfriend for years while in the relationship and just after the GF is done, he comes after her with a declaration of love and begging for a second chance. Mind you: after she is D-O-N-E! It happened to me and to both my daughters: and all of us are very loyal and devoted partners, good looking and in good shape and as Moon (# 30), suck at game playing.
Evan we need your opinion on this…
downtowngal 34
Chris #32, “plenty of co-habitating couples report better stats than legally married ones and more happiness”
Can you please name your source, and what these ‘better stats’ are? I’ve often heard/read just the opposite by relationship experts.
And if a guy older than his mid-20′s can’t figure out whether he wants to marry a girl after 2 years, he probably never will. Sorry, but I know many people who got engaged within a year and have been happily married for years. Smart women have little patience for flaky guys.
And I’ve heard from guys how much they hate women playing games, but they ALWAYS fall for it. I don’t mean egregious/obvious game playing or bitchiness, but those who come across confidently and not making themselves too available. Think about it, if a woman returned your calls immediately, was available to meet that day, wanted you to meet her family after 2 dates and willing to do anything you asked, most guys would either get turned off or get bored.
downtowngal 35
Evan, this sounds like the start of a new post – how effective is game playing? Why is it that men get scared away when/if a woman shows how much she likes him?
Steve 36
downtowngal Aug 26th 2009 at 03:34 am 34
And I’ve heard from guys how much they hate women playing games, but they ALWAYS fall for it. I don’t mean egregious/obvious game playing or bitchiness, but those who come across confidently and not making themselves too available. Think about it, if a woman returned your calls immediately, was available to meet that day, wanted you to meet her family after 2 dates and willing to do anything you asked, most guys would either get turned off or get bored.
Very few women will tell a man, upfront, if they are not interested.
If I invite a woman out twice and I am declined both times without an offer from her to reschedule, I will write her off as not being interested. I will move on.
Yes, wanting you to meet her folks after 2 dates is a frightening turn-off, but playing hard to get will often get you not got.
Steve 37
@dowtown girl #35
I think Evan’s answer would be conditional upon the age group and type of people.
Game playing may work for younger people looking for a particular kind of encounter, but that same advice may be unnecessary ( or even a turn off ) with more mature people looking for something different.
If I invite you to lunch in Grand Central Station and you accept, the first time, you will not scare me
.
Carolyn 38
I can vouch for the playing hard to get. I didn’t contact my ex for two weeks after our romantic getaway weekend and just now he texts me some lame line – found a new iphone application that let’s people text for free. Now…come on….this is proof playing hard to get works. I’m still not responding
Honey 39
Since my boyfriend and I were long distance after dating less than a week, there was no game playing. On our second date (which was basically the day after our first date) he said, “I’d like to continue to see you.” I said, “well I’m not driving all over the state if we’re going to be seeing other people,” and that was it – we were exclusive.
And now it’s almost 3.5 years later…
.-= Honey’s last blog ….Hello 30! =-.
Carolyn 40
Honey } Good for you…putting your foot down at the beginning of the relationship is fine but, you need to know that there are games that we all play that help in the end.
Honey 41
Carolyn, #40 – yes, there are games to keep a relationship going, although at this point the most common game is called “I don’t care if you don’t like vegetables, YOU’RE A VEGETARIAN and you can’t live off cheese and crackers.”
!!!
.-= Honey’s last blog ….Hello 30! =-.
Selena 42
Carolyn,
I gotta know…what are the games that we all play that help in the end?
How old are you btw?
Anisa 43
How often do I hear: “Men are dogs so treat them like dogs.”
Even from happily married women. I find it hard to accept because it does not sounds very respectful, but they very strongly believe this is true.
And maybe I must try to believe it also: Clearly (many) men can’t handle it if you are too much available and neither they can if you are unreachable. So the middlecourse would be to be (or play) hard to get? hmm….. I think I found the clue.
Like Moonsical (I guess) I am the type of: we give 100% or nothing. Nothing in between. So Moonsical, I guess we have to give less to achieve more.
Jennifer 44
Regarding cohabitating couples, they can be very happy if they both agree from the beginning that moving in together is it, and they are not interested in marriage. For couples that haven’t made that agreement there tends to be unhappiness from someone’s expectations not getting met, and for couples who marry after living together, there tends to be a higher rate of divorce (don’t know how much higher though).
Clearly people have married after being together for longer than 2 years, and to say it’s an absolute that it will not happen is a gross overstatement. But 2 years is far from ‘nuts’ regarding a reasonable timeframe for getting to know someone well enough to know if you’d be comfortable taking a chance on marrying them. After a certain time the law of diminishing returns kicks in regarding getting to know someone. And even if you’ve known someone for 20 years, marriage is still a chance you’re taking.
If I had to bet on which couple were more likely to marry, the one that had been together 1.5 years or 8 years, i’d bet on the one that had been together 1.5 years. Cause at some point, what else are you waiting to ‘know’?
Honey 45
My boyfriend and I set our wedding date for 6 years from the day that we met. This is because we’re still paying off grad school debt and don’t want to borrow to pay for the wedding, too. So it’s 2012 for us…
He actually said a long time ago that he thought you had to be a certain age (I think he said 32) in order to be mature enough/appreciate marriage. He also said that weddings should be big, formal, fancy. Personally, I don’t care about the wedding, but if that’s what’s important to him then at least we’ll wait until we don’t have to go into debt to have it. I think making your first official act as a married couple paying off the $25,000 you spent in one day is not very smart. (Well, paying it off is smart. Accruing it is not.)
.-= Honey’s last blog ….Hello 30! =-.
Steve 46
@43
You have to ask yourself if you want the kind of relationship that is happy with one person manipulating the other and thinking of them as a dog.
There is also a difference between “available” and being codependent or smothering.
moon 47
Hey there,
I just find it interesting that the woman writing in has TWO long-term relationships, neither of which she is FULLY invested in. I wonder what were to happen if she were, in one? What would the man do, now having her full attention? Is it that she is only partly present that causes the interest? Just subjective thinking here.
I do experience that men I am, “all about,” (while still maintaining my own interests and life–duh) seem to become confused and move away. I’m thinking of a WC Fields (I think?) quote, “No man wants to be part of any club that would have them.” Problem is, I’m pretty transparent; I find it difficult, if not impossible, to hide my feelings. I would like it if I could share them without men becoming scared. It’s not even that I am planning the wedding…noooo. I just like them, plain and simple. Most cannot handle this. Then they end up with some more manipulative woman, that they marry, then divorce (I’m old enough I have seen this occur multiple times.) Interesting… You guys can’t take a gal that just really digs you, or so it seems… Someday I hope I find someone who can!
moonsical
downtowngal 48
Steve #36, I agree, if a woman turns you down twice for a date you should move on. If she’s doing this as a game, then she loses. More likely though, she’s probably not into you.
This is different than someone who tries not to show too much interest. From the woman’s perspective, this can be difficult. If you’re into a guy and show it, he doesn’t try as hard, but if you come across as confident but indifferent he’ll try harder. The trick for us gals is trying to figure out what this midpoint is – showing enough interest but not too much. And those women who are better at it always seem to attract more guys, so I dunno.
Anisa 49
@46
As I said: It doesn’t sounds very respectful to me, and I treat men the way I like to be treated, but that doesn’t seem to work. Haven’t you hear that statement from men themselves? I have! So many times….
Jennifer 50
@Moon #47- i think it’s Groucho Marx that said ‘i don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member’
Steven 51
Anisa @ 49
“As I said: It doesn’t sounds very respectful to me, and I treat men the way I like to be treated, but that doesn’t seem to work. Haven’t you hear that statement from men themselves? I have! So many times”
A big part of compatibility understanding and honoring each other’s love language.
It’s also the best way I know of seeing someone for who they are in a relationship; look at their feet, not their lips…
moon 52
Jennifer, I think you’re right!
Anyway, yes, I hear from one of the men responding above that if a woman is, “too available,” they get bored. How awful to have an attractive woman that’s really interested in you–genuinely–make time for you. Sucks.
I have read books that advise women in this position to, “duty date,” just to keep their main object of affection interested. Or, I guess you could lie and pretend you are spending time with multiple men, instead of taking up more of your time with those you are *not* interested in. Which amounts to lying. I can’t make myself…so far, anyway.
So, I’d love to hear back from our, “caller,” and hear of her decision and results.
moon
downtowngal 53
Anisa #49, “As I said: It doesn’t sounds very respectful to me, and I treat men the way I like to be treated, but that doesn’t seem to work.”
So true. A guy’s going to do what he wants. I learned the hard way being too giving toward a guy I liked, only to be taken advantage of. I’ve learned to sit back and allow the guy to treat me before I give. This doesn’t mean playing games or acting bitchy, it just means being myself, the gal he liked when he met me. The key is showing him my appreciation for what he’s done for me.
If a guy is into you he’ll want to please you. If you’re into him you should demonstrate your appreciation for what he’s done.
older man 54
Personally I don’t want a woman that would be a doormat. Conversely, I do not want her leading the relationship timeline either. Let me be the leader.
If she’s dating other men, that’s a serious turn off for me. Can you never just be you? Do you have to have a “date” every weekend? Why? Do you abhor yourself so much that spending time alone is intolerable? I know popular advice is to date several people at once. Why is that? Because you have trouble controlling your emotions? I suggest you work on your “inner” stuff first.
If you think you might be interested in a relationship with me you had better make sure I know that. That would be best done with actions, not words.
Lastly, we always hear women say that they want their men to make them “feel special”. Well, guess what – so do us men. If I get the impression from you that I’m a “dime a dozen” and replaceable tomorrow, . . Why would I continue spending time with someone who doesn’t care about me?
On topic:
Yeah. A. should cut the ex off. She should also tell the new b/f what she’s been doing and, expect him to dump her too.
Marissa 55
This thread helped me like nobodies business! 3 Months ago, my fiance of 7 years dumped me. I started seeing someone almost right away afterwards and I am still with him now and I know he loves me and I feel like I could really love him however my ex has a tendancy to possess my thoughts!
My ex, when he first broke up with me, used to always contact me, we would go on dates and everything, he just didn’t want to commit to me because he wanted to play the field (broke my heart) but I kept going to see him until one day, in a bout of self pity and puffy eyes I thought “I bet he isn’t wasting his time crying over me!” and I know I was right. I picked myself up and decided to attempt to look at it in a different light.
I’m not saying it isn’t hard. Today especially i’m having a hard time with it (hence me being here) but I generally feel better these days. A, I’m not sure how old this post is, but i just wanted to say one thing:
How can you expect anyone to respect and love you if you don’t respect and love yourself?
I know this sounds cliché and i haven’t gotten it all figured out but i feel like i’m on a pretty good path to loving myself and allowing myself to be loved the way i deserve.
Good luck A, we are in this together! go us!