My ex, when he first broke up with me, used to always contact me, we would go on dates and everything, he just didn’t want to commit to me because he wanted to play the field (broke my heart)  but I kept going to see him until one day, in a bout of self pity and puffy eyes I thought “I bet he isn’t wasting his time crying over me!”  and I know I was right.  I picked myself up and decided to attempt to look at it in a different light.

I’m not saying it isn’t hard.  Today especially i’m having a hard time with it (hence me being here)  but I generally feel better these days.  A, I’m not sure how old this post is, but i just wanted to say one thing:

How can you expect anyone to respect and love you if you don’t respect and love yourself? 

I know this sounds cliché and i haven’t gotten it all figured out but i feel like i’m on a pretty good path to loving myself and allowing myself to be loved the way i deserve.

Good luck A, we are in this together!  go us!

If she’s dating other men, that’s a serious turn off for me. Can you never just be you? Do you have to have a “date” every weekend? Why? Do you abhor yourself so much that spending time alone is intolerable? I know popular advice is to date several people at once. Why is that? Because you have trouble controlling your emotions? I suggest you work on your “inner” stuff first.

If you think you might be interested in a relationship with me you had better make sure I know that. That would be best done with actions, not words.

Lastly, we always hear women say that they want their men to make them “feel special”. Well, guess what – so do us men. If I get the impression from you that I’m a “dime a dozen” and replaceable tomorrow, . . Why would I continue spending time with someone who doesn’t care about me?

On topic:
Yeah. A. should cut the ex off. She should also tell the new b/f what she’s been doing and, expect him to dump her too.

So true. A guy’s going to do what he wants. I learned the hard way being too giving toward a guy I liked, only to be taken advantage of. I’ve learned to sit back and allow the guy to treat me before I give. This doesn’t mean playing games or acting bitchy, it just means being myself, the gal he liked when he met me. The key is showing him my appreciation for what he’s done for me.

If a guy is into you he’ll want to please you. If you’re into him you should demonstrate your appreciation for what he’s done.

Anyway, yes, I hear from one of the men responding above that if a woman is, “too available,” they get bored. How awful to have an attractive woman that’s really interested in you–genuinely–make time for you. Sucks.

I have read books that advise women in this position to, “duty date,” just to keep their main object of affection interested. Or, I guess you could lie and pretend you are spending time with multiple men, instead of taking up more of your time with those you are *not* interested in. Which amounts to lying. I can’t make myself…so far, anyway.

So, I’d love to hear back from our, “caller,” and hear of her decision and results.

moon

“As I said: It doesn’t sounds very respectful to me, and I treat men the way I like to be treated, but that doesn’t seem to work. Haven’t you hear that statement from men themselves? I have! So many times”

A big part of compatibility understanding and honoring each other’s love language.

It’s also the best way I know of seeing someone for who they are in a relationship; look at their feet, not their lips…

This is different than someone who tries not to show too much interest. From the woman’s perspective, this can be difficult. If you’re into a guy and show it, he doesn’t try as hard, but if you come across as confident but indifferent he’ll try harder. The trick for us gals is trying to figure out what this midpoint is – showing enough interest but not too much. And those women who are better at it always seem to attract more guys, so I dunno.

I just find it interesting that the woman writing in has TWO long-term relationships, neither of which she is FULLY invested in. I wonder what were to happen if she were, in one? What would the man do, now having her full attention? Is it that she is only partly present that causes the interest? Just subjective thinking here.

I do experience that men I am, “all about,” (while still maintaining my own interests and life–duh) seem to become confused and move away. I’m thinking of a WC Fields (I think?) quote, “No man wants to be part of any club that would have them.” Problem is, I’m pretty transparent; I find it difficult, if not impossible, to hide my feelings. I would like it if I could share them without men becoming scared. It’s not even that I am planning the wedding…noooo. I just like them, plain and simple. Most cannot handle this. Then they end up with some more manipulative woman, that they marry, then divorce (I’m old enough I have seen this occur multiple times.) Interesting… You guys can’t take a gal that just really digs you, or so it seems… Someday I hope I find someone who can!

moonsical

You have to ask yourself if you want the kind of relationship that is happy with one person manipulating the other and thinking of them as a dog.

There is also a difference between “available” and being codependent or smothering.