I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?

Got it.

My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.

Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.

This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.

Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.

And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?

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52 Comments »Filed Under Chemistry, Marriage, Relationships

52 Responses to “I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?”

Steve 1

Maya;

What you wrote in your email to Evan is almost exactly what a friend of mine confessed to me about her marriage.   She got married hoping she would learn to love him and feel passionate about him in time. It never happened.

The went to both individual counseling and marriage counseling for several years.   Their marriage counselors told them their business was saving marriages and that they did not have anything there to save.

7 years later they have finally gotten up the courage to get a divorce. Don’t let your and his life stall out for 7 years.   Divorce him. Now.

Good Luck.
Anonymous 2

What I don’t understand is how he could propose to a woman who wasn’t giving him the physical affection that he wanted.

I think they are both at fault here, and perhaps there is something valuable in holding out for someone you feel a connection with.

Since the OP can’t force herself to feel something she doesn’t feel, she needs to have an honest conversation with her husband, reminding him that she was always like this… before he proposed.
DinaStrange 3

Who thought that finding “the one” is so hard?
Maya 4

I wasn’t attracted to my last serious bf. He was only a little higher than I was, had a pot belly, was ginger haired and bold, 11 years older, but he was very kind and generous with me. When I fallen in love with him, he became the most handsome guy on Earth to me. The attraction wasn’t there right from the beginning, but he grew on me. After 2 months of dating, if there isn’t any attraction, then most likely there never ever will be any in the future.
LaLa 5

Please leave him. It’s so unfair and almost cruel to stay with a man you aren’t attracted to or don’t love, when there is almost certainly another woman out there who will. It’s also unfair to you, as you should be with someone you’re attracted to and love as well. Why waste his time? The poor guy is wishing for something that probably won’t ever happen and you’re sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. Why don’t you do the right thing and leave him? I know I’m being harsh and direct, but I find this so sad.
henriette 6

Maybe I’m wrong, but this sounds like a foreign woman who wanted to be married to an American man, “no matter what” for the status it would accord her within her family and community. Sad thing is, Maya seems far more concerned with her own discomfort than with the fact that she probably really hurt and used this guy. I can only imagine how terrible this must make him feel.
I’m all for Evan’s advice to give a guy a chance even if he’s not your physical ideal. I’m currently dating a fellow who, upon first meeting, made me recoil. But I decided to give him a few more chances because we’d met online and his emails showed a senstve, hilarious, bright personality. Now, four month’s later, I cannot keep my hands off him and laugh to think that I almost let him slip away simply because he has a big mole on his nose and is 3 inches shorter than I. So, as I said, I believe that attraction can change.
However, I assert that if I had still been physically repelled by this, or any, guy after a couple of months, I would have bowed out. Attraction can ebb and flow but if it’s always been non-existent between 2 people, I don’t think that one can force it. I cannot make myself care about Maya’s predicament — she sounds cold and self-serving — but for the sake of her husband, I hope they divorce quickly and that he moves on to a woman who finds his face, heart and mind, beautiful.
Nicole 7

@Henriette,I think you are right but you know men love to fight like mad and insist that foreign women don’t care about silly things like looks and money, when the simple fact of the matter is that to women in the developing world, they attempt to ignore things that they want for the chance at a better life.

So this guy probably convinced himself that he got someone who wasn’t shallow like American women and now is probably shocked that it has turned out not to be true.
annie 8

I agree that she made a big error in judgement by marrying this guy. However, she did marry him and she made a commitment with him. I find it very disheartening that marriage has become so expendable in our society. I don’t think it should be so socially acceptable and encouraged to just give up marriages (especially after only three months!) because somebody changes their mind or falls out of love.
It sounds like she made the decision early on that she couldn’t love him because she didn’t like his face, it isn’t clear to me that she has ever really truly given it a chance and really emotionally committed herself to the relationship. I think this is a way of keeping oneself emotionally unavailable – if there is some “fatal flaw” in the other person, then she doesn’t have to truly love him and commit and make herself vulnerable to being hurt.
Here’s a novel idea, how about she honor her commitment. Rather than searching around for validation of her negative feelings (which will only serve to perpetuate her uncertainty), how about she make a conscious decision that she is going to commit 100% to the relationship and to loving the man that she chose to marry. He does not sound like a bad person, and she obviously thought he had some sort of redeeming qualities which she was attracted to, or else she would not have stayed with him. She needs to change her attitude and mindset, rather than just looking for validation to take the easy way out.
Obviously, not the same situation, but for example, if I go to work every day with the mindset that I hate my job, something major would have to happen to convince me otherwise. It will be easy to find things throughout my day that validate that thinking, because of course there are bad qualities to every job. However, If I go to work thinking I am grateful to have a job, and I am grateful that I get the opportunity to help people; then, I look at my job a little differently and I actually enjoy it more.
Just my two cents!
NN 9

You know.. that is how I have felt so many times.. If it is not there (for me)in the beginning, it won’t be their later on either – and I find it irresponsible for anyone to say that “it will come later”.
It might for some, but I know it won’t - not for me.. and I don’t settle – no matter how good the other qualities the man has. If there is no sexual attraction other then novelty, I am just not making that mistake anymore.

That is why I tend to go against the general view here – I know what that woman feels, even if I have never ever married or lived with any of them.
If there is no orgasm for me in sex with him, there is no real relationship with him either.
Cindym7878 10

I’m with Annie! Marriage is a commitment! What happens as we age, our faces sure change, so is it ok to divorce then as well? I think it’s a very sad situation and she outta “woman up” and honor her commitment and find ways to fall in love with him and make it work. I can’t get over how self centered this woman is. And what did her husband see in her that he wanted to marry her? Very, very sad…..
Androgynous 11

Annie, with all due respects, I don’t think staying together for the sake of “commitment” when both parties are clearly unhappy makes any sense, particularly when there are no children involved. Marriage has always been about the care and protection of children, and in previous generations, the care and protection of women bearing those children. In your example, you stick to a job which you may not particularly enjoy because the alternative is poverty and starvation. Now, you stick to a marriage where both parties are clearly unhappy and not getting anything out of it because the alternative is….humiliation ? about not being able to stick to a commitment ?
Even the Catholic church grants annulments you know. The sister of my brother in law got granted an annulment by the Catholic church – despite having two children and her adultery – on the basis that she was too young and inexperienced and foolish when she got married.
Sorry, but for some reason women are expected to “love” a good man who treats her well while men are not under that same expectation. It is as if women have to be grateful for whatever comes their way, even if this may not be something they want. I’d say to Maya. Please find some way out of this before she is stupid enough to bring children into this dysfunctional marriage.
Christie Hartman 12

This is a very interesting counterpoint to many of our discussions on Evan’s blog. Usually we’re discussing why it’s a bad idea to focus too much on chemistry or physical attraction – now we have a great example of the opposite. The pendulum swings both ways. You don’t need chemistry to be really high, but it shouldn’t be really low or nonexistent either. It must be there, or the relationship is nothing more than friendship.
annie 13

Androgynous, I see your point, and thank you for posing your disagreement respectfully, I mean this response with all due respects as well. I’m not advocating that she stay forever in a miserable marriage, I’m saying that she should do everything in her power to make it not miserable because she did make a commitment. If they were just dating, I’d say walk away for sure. However, she did make the decision to commit to marriage, and I think to give up on it after only three months is a bit premature. I don’t think realistically a judgment can be made that two people are miserable and incompatible after only three months of marriage, especially when one person has had an “emotional foot” out the door since 2 months after they met. I think that she should completely commit mentally and emotionally and see if things improve once she is 100% present and emotionally committed. I realize the analogy to staying at a job is not the same, I was just trying to explain that if her mindset is such that she is focused on reasons she is unhappy or not attracted to him, these beliefs will be reinforced.
I know that I probably sound “old fashioned”, but I just find it disheartening when people give up easily on marriage. I feel like it should be a commitment to weather the ups and downs and persevere thru the times when it is not easy. Certainly, I think divorce is the best option in some cases, I just think it should truly be the last option.
Diana 14

I am sorry to say this but Maya seems to be a bit immature. She may even be “young”. Poor guy…he very well may have a difficult time trusting women in the future.
Jeanne 15

“You don’t need chemistry to be really high, but it shouldn’t be really low or nonexistent either. It must be there, or the relationship is nothing more than a friendship.”

Well-said. It is not fair to you or to your partner to stay in a relationship in which there is no chemistry or very low chemistry. The relationship is then doomed to failure. The last blog was on “settling”, but I would not want to settle or to think my partner was “settling” for me. What an insult to be “settled for”! Learn to be happy being single, and only marry the person that you can’t live without.
Ruby 16

Maya sounds very immature and shallow, maybe even troubled, and I’m not sure she’d be a great match for anyone right now, sad to say. There’s really something to be said for working out your issues before you decide to get married. This marriage began under false pretenses, so sticking it out doesn’t make much sense to me.
Zann 17

Spoiler alert: This is snarky. So, sorry, Maya, but I’m having a wee bit of trouble taking your problem seriously. What is it you’re not telling us, because clearly there’s gotta be more to this story. I could be wrong, but my guess is that you thought that marriage would be an easy entrance into something (citizenship, life of luxury, escape from parents, perks from being a Mrs. & entitled to half his assets, etc) and now that reality is kicking in, you suddenly realize …..what? That he has a face? Just how did that get by you? Did he wear a bandanna over his face like a bank robber, or a Darth Vader mask until the knot was tied? If it wasn’t so pathetic for your husband, it would be funny. I’m trying to imagine you in marriage counseling: “I knew there was something about him that wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it, until one morning I woke up, and there it was: his face!

Obviously, I don’t have any advice, but I don’t think you’re really looking for guidance. I think what you want is for us to rally behind you and agree that it’s soooo not fair when someone “tricks” you with all their niceness and caring and offers of commitment, and then — just when you think you really know them…………BAM it turns out they have a face and it’s not a pretty one. Personally, I just hate when that happens. Maybe we could start a support group, Women Who Married an Ugly Face By Mistake. The only thing worse I can imagine is if he turns out to be a leprechaun. Then you’re just really screwed.
Gemma 18

Maya: Evan says “This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.”

I married someone who was attractive but was distant and arrogant. Never listened to me nor cared. That was not nice, and it only continued because of the children. Had there been no children, it would have ended. Simples.
If your husband shows you genuine affection, genuine care, brings you flowers and all the rest, be thankful for that alone. There are few out there who will even do this for you. Make something of what seems a bad situation, or it is going to become what you do not want.

My advice: give it nine months, but no chiildren! Your husband needs the attention, express his affection for you. Just allow him for generosity costs nothing and you may find that it brings you unexpected rewards. You are married after all. Most of all, have some fun if you can. That he is not attractive does not mean that he is bad.

Get him to grow a neatly cut short beard or something!!! It could work wonders for you. A little “cosmetic” change can do wonders.

What you need to do is explain your feelings; what does he say? He might then tell you things that you have never heard from a man like “you are the most beautiful woman in the whole of creation and I love you”. Have your say, and let him have his. Compromise for nine months. Work out a way out if necessary, but you may find you don’t need one.

Don’t look at his face, look at his heart. As he grows older, it is the one quality in a person worth having. If that heart is cold as my ex’s was, it has no worth. That marriage should never have been. At least yours has affection!

Evan, you say: “I just didn’t notice” his FACE? You would be surprised by what women don’t see. We are not men!!
Tina 19

Okay, the attraction (at least for me) always exists at a few levels, not only physical levels but an intellectual level and there is also a level of character.
Sometimes, I consider some men as attractive ones and only two days later they reveal their unattractive sides (as limited mind and lack of good humor for example) and they are already ordinary men to me now.
The attraction is much more than a straight nose, thick hair and thin body.
I guess some people want to get this attraction in the beginning and when it’s missing they suffer, tell lies or just leave this date.

And yes, I’m 100% with this “… tell him the truth…”. Indeed.
Androgynous 20

Yes, Annie I understand your point about working at a marriage and not giving up. This makes perfect sense for a couple who once shared a great love and whose love has faded with time and familiarity. However, 3 months into a marriage should be the happiest time possible for a couple, that’s why this period is called the “honeymoon” period. It does not bode well at all for the marriage for Maya to be having such doubts and dissatisfaction so soon. Instead of rushing to divorce, the best and only thing for Maya and her husband to do now is a trial separation. During this separation, neither should see other people as they are still technically married and third parties would only complicate things. If during this time Maya finds that she misses her husband, then yes there is something to salvage after all and the two of them should work at it in the way you suggested. If however Maya finds that she is much happier without her husband and actually relieved to be free of him, then the answer is clear. Working at it is simply prolonging the inevitable and providing an opportunity for things to get even more complicated should Maya get pregnant during this time. Sometimes people make mistakes and trying to turn around a bad situation is not necessarily the answer. Sometimes it is just best to end it quickly so everyone can move on.
Katherine Wakefield 21

It sounds like you got swept along and hope that it would blossom. You have done a lot to please others and make them happy and have overlooked your needs!
I have been in a relationship like this and no matter how i tried it didnt develop. I ended the relationship as it wouldnt have lasted long term. He was a nice guy but if that connection isnt there it just isn’t. You owe it to your husband and yourself to be honest and take action to prevent further distress.
Androgynous 22

Zann, I do think you are being a bit harsh. There is nothing in Maya’s story that would suggest she married her husband for pecuniary gain or gain of any sort. You are simply making that big leap of assumption. She made it quite clear that she married him because he was a good man and treated her right, and she hoped she would grow to love him. Lots of women make this kind of choice every day, having been brainwashed by the fact that they are being shallow for not loving a good man whom they do not find attractive. It all comes back to Evan’s previous post on “settling”. One fact that is being disputed here is whether or not there can be a relationship without sexual attraction. I think the general consensus here is that there must be some level of attraction for any relationship to have a shot at success. The next area of dispute is whether or not that attraction has to be based on looks. This is more contentious with some people arguing that looks should not matter.
At the end of the day, only the individual involved is entitled to make that call. Maya may be shallow to some, but hey she is the one living with the man, not any of her critics here. It is her life, her decision. If she misses out on a good man, well that’s her loss due to her inability to get past certain things – like his face. And I don’t think Maya is necessarily young and immature. It is to her credit that she gave this man a chance – shame that she married him before realizing what her true feelings were.
Ruby 23

Androgynous #22

<<Maya may be shallow to some, but hey she is the one living with the man, not any of her critics here. It is her life, her decision. >>

Right, but she is also the one writing to a public advice blog for advice.

<<If she misses out on a good man, well that’s her loss due to her inability to get past certain things – like his face. And I don’t think Maya is necessarily young and immature.>>
That sounds like a contradiction. I don’t know how old she is, but anyone who marries because they are afraid of what their family thinks if they don’t, is not mature. And if she dislikes the face of the man she has agreed to love, honor, cherish, and look at, for the rest of her life, that sounds pretty shallow, immature, and perhaps even disturbed, to me.
<<It is to her credit that she gave this man a chance – shame that she married him before realizing what her true feelings were.>>
Marrying someone before you realize what your true feelings are is not doing anyone any favors. Unless problems arise later that you did not anticipate, you give someone a chance during the dating stage, not after you’ve agreed to spend the rest of your life with them.
thatgirl007 24

Evan, you said it all when you said: “Aw, Jesus, Maya” Really.
And Zann, I wholeheartedly agree and nearly snorted soda through my nose at your snarky, but completely real comments.
Dude, it’s his face! How could she not see his face and recognize her aversion to it? I mean…it boggles my mind!
HB 25

Does anyone ever remember that there is such a thing as counseling? Personally, (just an opinion) I think that this kind of commitment is more than “being in love”. That’s a huge part, but there’s going to be times you don’t feel in love or feel attracted. It’s just part of life and living with other people. Marriage doesn’t seem selfless anymore… It seems like people approach marriage from more and more of a selfish perspective. I’m I delusional or does anyone else see it this way?
KT 26

I have a little empathy for Maya. Here is my story. After years of falling madly in love with various men because of intense physical attraction, I met my husband of 22 years. he was not the best looking guy, and had/has some personality quirks I find a little irritating, BUT he was one who fell head over heals in love with me, wanted to be with me, marry me, have a family with me, travel and sing and dance and make music with me. We are best friends. Sexually, he would probably do anything I wanted, to please me, yet I do not feel the overwhelming attraction or desire I had with my past loves. In the beginning of our marriage, it seemed a small price to pay for all the good things we had together. We were in our mid thirties at the time. Maybe I felt the baby time bomb ticking. Maybe I thought I had had my fill and it would not matter. Maybe I ceased to trust in those madly in love feelings as in the past it did not turn out well for me. This man is smart, interesting, a terrific father to our daughter and a great companion in every way for me but sexually. I have come to terms with it and done my best to put myself in the mood, spin fantasies in my head, etc to make him happy. He, on the other hand, feels intense attraction to and satisfaction with me.

So I settled, for a great guy, but without this one element. But for my beautiful daughter, I don’t know if I would make the same choice again,
sarahrahrah! 27

@Maya:

I have a different take on this. If you like and are attracted to your husband’s body, that is a big start. Like everyone else, I am surprised that you didn’t recognize that you weren’t attracted to his face earlier. What I’m more curious about is if you like the way he smells or if you ever liked the way he smelled at any point in your relationship.

Here is why: scent is a huge indicator of sexual compatibility amongst people; if a man smells good to a woman, it usually means that he would provide enough genetic variation so as to ensure a vigorous immune system in their offspring. If he smells okay or good, one can usually find ways of being attracted to that person because they are chemically “primed” to be attracted to them. If you have never liked his scent, then it might be time to own up to your mistakes and walk away sooner rather than later. Here is a very important question: did you find him attractive at one point and then went on the pill (or other hormonal form of birth control) and no longer find him attractive? If so, STOP dialing that divorce attorney right now because that might be the answer to your problems.

Hormonal forms of birth control (as well as antidepressants) can drastically change your levels of attraction to somebody. In fact, taking the pill can cause you to be repulsed by men whom you would normally be most attracted to and more attracted to men who are genetically more similar to you (NOT what nature intended).

I don’t know if any of this applies to you, but it never hurts to to consider scientific research when questioning your biological drives.

Good luck to you!
JoC 28

I agree with some of the other people here, who have hit on the possibility that Maya has some ‘conditioning’ issues from her family and was approaching her relationship from a point of view of making the ‘right decision’ and ‘pleasing her family’. by picking a man who had all the credentialls her family felt were there.
I know that a woman with low confidence, no real sense of self and a conditioned repsonse to please her family, would completely remove herself from a personal relationship and look at it like making a wise house purchase. I feel that this is what Maya has done – for whatever reason (I won’t make assumptions about her background). She saw a house/man that seemed OK, it was much better than the other ones she had come across. Maybe there was not much choice around her in the area, so this particular house/man by comparison seemed the best choice. So intially she felt semi-pleased with her decision – until she moved in. When you move into a house, you made a decision about too quickly, you miss all the important details, taking time and thinking for yourself would have revealed to you. You would have noticed the damp on the kitchen ceiling, the plaster coming off of the hallway and the fact that you really, actually (on closer inspection) hate the colour the house has been painted.
So, like a rush buyer, who was not using her heart at all and was only using her head (and the opinions of her family) she made a choice that backfired. Once she married him and her heart finally got a shot at communicating to her this was not the right decision – it was too late, and now she knows what she has done.
This is why it is so important to know who you are and what you want in a love relationship and truly connect with your heart to find out the real answers. Don’t listen to what your family wants, don’t listen to what your friends want, don’t listen to what magazines tell you you SHOULD want and (sorry Evan) don’t even listen to coaches who make you feel guilty if you’re not dating men who you don’t find attractive, by suggesting you are turning your nose up at them because of the mens looks or external attributes.
Listen to YOU. Because guess what? You have the right to be happy in a relationship, you have the right to make somebody else happy in a relationship and you have right to feel desire and attraction for your partner. So, if you honestly find certain types of men unattractive – its OK! There are so many different men in the world – you can’t like all of them, just as they won’t all like you. That’s what makes the world so perfect – there is someone out there for everyone. So please don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole – find out who you really are and what you genuinely want and listen to your heart, and your heart alone.
Karl R 29

HB said: (#25)
“Marriage doesn’t seem selfless anymore… It seems like people approach marriage from more and more of a selfish perspective.”

I would say that people have always approached marriage from a selfish perspective. For a more in depth explanation, you might want to read this article.

From the article:
“Most acts that appear selfless actually function to serve the person’s own agenda; feeding their own self-perception, their need for approval, or a sacrifice designed to improve their stature in the eyes of their object of worship (i.e. God).”

You can’t assume selflessness just because you can’t see an obvious benefit. If you like to think of yourself as being selfless, then doing acts which appear selfless help reinforce your self-perception … which provides a selfish motive underlying the behavior.

Twisted, eh?

HB said: (#25)
“Does anyone ever remember that there is such a thing as counseling?”

In other circumstances, I might recommend it. But I don’t see Maya’s marriage standing a reasonable chance of lasting, even with counseling.

Maya has convinced herself that her husband’s facial features make him unattractive. Because of this belief, she has pulled away from her husband (physically and emotionally) to such a degree that it is causing fights on a regular basis.

It is possible to overlook someone’s unattractive features by focusing on their good features. It takes a certain amount of mental discipline. Nothing in Maya’s letter suggests that she has that amount of mental discipline. On the contrary, several of her statements suggest the opposite.

I think Maya ended up married because she followed the path of least resistance. Unfortunately for her, the path of least resistance going forward is a miserable marriage. Getting divorced will be harder. Changing her mindset and fixing her marriage will be harder still.
sthrnphoenix 30

Dear God. I wouldn’t want to be her husband. If I had a spouse realize belatedly that he a) didn’t love me, b) didn’t find me attractive, and c) led me on all this time, I would be crushed. For those advising that she hang in there and get counseling, I understand how you feel, but I just don’t think it applies here. Her letter reeks of trying to find excuses that are acceptable for having done a horrible thing: married someone she didn’t want to marry without the first thought for what that would mean to him. She doesn’t want to be married to him; she just wants to be justified in divorcing him. Shame on her.
AnnieC 31

You did the wrong thing Maya. I hope you will own that, and take responsibility for the impact you have on other people’s lives, and not just the impact that events have on you.

Do the right thing, divorce this man, and if you want to date or marry, remember that you have an obligation to your partner, it is not all about you.

I feel so sorry for this husband.
Dawn 32

The fact of the matter is she made a bad choice. She is withholding affection from her husband…simple.
She had to make a decision. Give him a chance, a real chance or give him the opportunity to find someone who will love him completely.
It is unfortunate that she makes him suffer because she is embarrassed. Too bad. Evan said it. Woman up!
luke 33

This is why people should really be sure about what they are doing when they decide to get married. This is going to end badly for all parties involved.
melbet 34

I have not enough information to judge this woman- it takes 2 to tango -however I noticed the compassionate response from JoC and felt very inspired by the clear directions and candid approach she was able to provide without remarking like the White Precious God Almighty Coming From a Superior World. JoC speaks from the hearth and no Scholarships in Precious – Princess – in Progress Training for Life Directions can beat that. Maya was taken for granted since the beginning and never had a real life to begin with. Think before you judge.
Anonymous 35

I was in a relationship with someone who was very critical and told me they loved me but withdrew love and affection and criticized me when I wore certain clothes, didn’t wear my hair the way they wanted it. It became such an issue that it was almost like an ultimatum, “I don’t know if I can love you or be attracted to you because you don’t dress the way I want and you don’t color your grey hair.” I asked, where does this come from? Their answer was, “This is what my mom did for my dad.” (and they are unhappily married, constant power struggles, miserable, etc). This person was so controlling they would get upset if I didn’t wear makeup and dress up even when we were just laying around the house. I think this is representative of emotional immaturity, controllingness, someone who doesn’t have a clue what unconditional love is and if someone is like this with you, run. It will hurt at first but you don’t need the unrealistic perfectionist who is never happy. They are taking you for granted and will never value you. Rip off the band aid. They are self-absorbed, narcissistic and lack the capacity to love ANYONE.
Anonymous 36

Let’s be REAL. This wonderful man could get the best plastic surgeon to make his face meet her perfectionistic criteria and you know what would happen? She would immediately find some other reason why she couldn’t be with him. She needs serious help. I wonder what she is using him for, she certainly doesn’t value and appreciate him. He should run for his life.
Jane09 37

I feel sorry for Maya , and I feel defensive on her account. She is brave to own up to this very serious dilemma and brave to post here about it. The thing is we know nothing of her past , her background nor how she got to this point of “blindness” to marry a man then discover it did not turn out well as she is not attracted.
Ours is not to judge but maybe consider our own blind spots in relationships.
For myself this reminds how I married at 26 a handsome man I was attracted to and who was a perfect “match” on background/family etc (married after 18 months together ) . In my case the blindness was not seeing that he was cool and unemotional and withdrawn a lot of the time.
I believed that this lack of intimacy was only a natural stage of growing closer gradually over the years as my culture, religion and family background seemed to suggest would happen. I honestly believed thats how it was supposed to happen.
Needless to say his coolness became withdrawal and by a couple of years in he would hardly ever have sex with me. I lived in this hell pit for years , raising kids and feeling a failure because I wasnt attractive enough nor warm enough for him to want physical or emotional closeness…
It was a mistake , and a blindspot that I, an educated, white , Western woman with every potential for happiness just did not understand.Now I am 52 ,divorced many years and a lot wiser .
Just hoping for another chance
nicola 38

I like Gemma’s comment most of all.

Women just don’t tend to notice physical things that a man would.

Do you think for one minute if the writer was ugly her husband would have married her?!
Of course not!

So don’t think she’s being shallow and unreasonable – she’s just being honest.
Heather 39

I see this whole thing differently. I think Maya honestly fell in love with this guy. She married him, following her heart that was telling her this man was fulfilling her.

Many bride-to-be’s go through a time of deep soul searching heading into the marriage. Suddenly the weight of what they are about to do, in making this man their one-and-only-forever dawns on them, and the feelings take a back seat to constant, intense, mental analysis of the guy they are about to marry.

I think maybe for Maya that she didn’t hit this stage as a fiance’. The reality of her commitment only dawned on her with full weight AFTER marriage. Maya – this is what I would say to you – you are analyzing your husband meticulously these days because you realize now what a commitment marriage is, and you are afraid you just did the wrong thing. And so now you are focusing on everything you don’t like about your husband – stuff you were willing to overlook before while you were living from your heart – and now your mind is working overtime on it. You switched from living out this relationship from your heart, to living it out of your mind – constantly analyzing and assessing your decision to marry him.

You married him. You don’t need to figure out anymore whether or not you like his face – you made that face part of yourself and life till death do you part. You have to find a way to take a deep breath, calm down, and focus back on the things you love about this guy, not on his face. You’re obsessing over his face, and the more you do, the uglier and uglier he will look to you. Give yourself a break from thinking about his face… think about his heart. Think about his eyes. Think about anything that you actually LIKE about him… and let him love you. And love him back.

And yeah, maybe he could grow you some facial hair or something, ask him to do that for you. He probably will.

Just take a deep breath and focus on calming down the part of your mind that is working overboard with fear of this marriage.
Inom 40

I was in Maya’s situation a few years ago. I also didn’t find my ex attractive even before I married him and he knew it. We had awful problems around this but got married anyway for immature reasons. He thought marriage would make things magically better and I just wanted to be married because I was turning 30. I got married because my family loved him too. It was a horrible mistake that wasted 3 years of our lives.

I’m dating again and refuse to be in a relationship that I don’t feel right about. Attraction really does matter and for some of us if it’s not there at some point, it will never grow.
Tinker 41

Heather said:
[You married him. You don’t need to figure out anymore whether or not you like his face – you made that face part of yourself and life till death do you part. You have to find a way to take a deep breath, calm down, and focus back on the things you love about this guy, not on his face]

Heather, your comment is extremely insensitive. It’s true that she made a big mistake, but it’s a person’s life we’re talking about here. Two, actually. Her feelings are that she does not want to be with this man, that she’s obviously NOT in love with him. She’s not a slave, she has the right to happiness as much as anyone, despite her mistake.

We also need to hold the man up to some responsibility here. HOW could he not notice that this wasn’t a woman in love?? Come on. This is a grown man, not a little boy. The OP implied that this man is a lot less attractive than she is, so it’s possible that he wanted to ignore her lack of chemistry because he was being shallow.

Also, she’s not some “robot” that can flip the switch and make herself romantically attracted to this man, to want to be intimate with him. Humans can’t do that sweety. Grow a beard? Really? I doubt that’s any type of solution at all.

Maya, you seem to listen to everyone, your bf/husband’s family, your family and friends, you listen to everybody instead of yourself. This is a huge sign of self-esteem issues, maybe even depression.

Your lack of self-knowledge and desire to PLEASE others, dangerously, at the expense of your own happiness is seen to an extreme in this issue that you have shared with us. And it’s good that you wrote it here, because it can be a reminder to us all and to women in your situation.

Maya, you need to be more assertive, honey. Listen to yourself, pay attention to your feelings.

What happened to you is the result of being REALLY out of touch with your own self. Find yourself again, before being in another relationship. Create some distance with controlling, manipulative family members or friends. You have to become your own best friend.

I wonder what got your personality to be this way. Sometimes being raised by a very controlling family makes a person grow up to be an adult who really doesn’t know what he/she wants because they weren’t really allowed or encouraged to make their own decisions/choices.

But you can fix this, so that in the future you are sure about what you like and dislike in relationships/people. I cannot emphasize this enough: — SEEK COUNSELING– you need to work thru a lot of personal issues, and your self-esteem will rise to healthy levels and you’ll become more assertive. You will know what you want for your life. You won’t feel a desperated need to please your family and friends for acceptance. Aside from counseling, not instead of, get books about assertivity. If you’re feeling down, create an exercise/nutrition plan for yourself.

Take charge of your life, Maya. It’s the only one you have, and it’s precious.
Kurt 42

What an awful woman! Women like this are why women are hesitant about marriage. Why on earth would any woman marry a man to whom she wasn’t attracted? She should divorce him immediately before she ruins his life any more than she already has.
Maya 43

Gemma, Annie, Androgynous..thank you for your advise. For others who think I married for financial reasons, let me clarify (though I shudnt have to ) that I am a financially independent person with a post graduate degree and a full time job. Me and my husband both have a separate bank account with funds in it. So yes, my husband is from same ethnic background as I am and his income is more or less same as mines. Now, I am not an American citizen who at times have total disregard to their elderly but I am someone, who if inexperienced in things like marriage, would definitely seek advise/help from elders or whosoever is experienced. Moving on, I am completely clueless in certain situations and have been indecisive many times. There have been times when I wanted to say things to my husband and would hold back just so as to avoid arguements that lead to nowhere and he getting angry. Even when I tried to look beyond external looks of my husband, I have been turned off by weakness of this personality. I like strong, decisive men. I dont like when I am being forced to do things just coz they are a part of being a “wife” and if I say no, the other person withdraws himself and goes in his shell. If I see this around me, I (wrongly) don’t communicate and then just let my husband do what he wants. I want to hurt my husband since he already is. For those of you who say that i haven’t told him about this, I would like to tell that I have clearly and honeslty told my husband (knowing its a big blow to a man’s ego) that I am not sexually attracted to you. He expects me to do things for him which I said to him are only possible (passion in bed, greeting him cheerfully when he comes home etc) if I have strong feelings for someone. Its not that I cannot do certain things that they like to make them happy. I have gone at lengths and out of comfort zone for people just because I liked them and accepted them and cherished the frndship that I shared. There was no commitment for doing so. And I hadn’t just done it for my ex bf, have done it for many frnds. I am 27 and had one relationship in past which was more of a friendship than a gf/bf or committed relationship. We both broke up realizing that we weren’t right for each other.
mia 44

Maya as a divorce atty, I highly recommend several actions, trial separation with counseling, I like the facial hair and scent suggestions and if that fails a quick divorce. I recently broke up with a guy who was an old friend, we dated for a year and I too realized that no matter how much I enjoyed his company I did not love him. I kept waiting to feel something different and then felt guilty because he clearly loved me. Its very intoxicating to be loved, especially when you sincerely enjoy the other person. But the dark sides, (not looks in my case), but anger issues, negativity, etc. were also enough to make me finally break it off. He no longer speaks to me, which was a sign to me that I made the right decision. It sometimes takes more courage to leave than to stay.
Erica 45

Nicola (#38),

if anything, women notice a lot more than men do. It is simply impossible not to notice a man’s face, and I fail to see any evidence that the LW is not “shallow” (putting the word in quotes here because I don’t believe we are all necessarily shallow for wanting to be only with people we find attractive).

Maya’s problems were what some have already mentioned: indecisiveness, weakness of character (which ironically enough are traits she despises in her husband), insecurity, and lack of self-awareness. I would add that there is also no clarity to her thinking. I was unable to understand post 43, for instance.
Sandra 46

Maya is earnestly asking for help. Yes, Maya, it can be torture to stay years on end, with someone you have no sexual chemistry. Talk with him, and both of you decide to end it. You will find true love soon; you are young enough and so must be your husband.
Good luck!
Toadkisser 47

Maya,

I did the same thing! I had to be drunk to have sex with my husband! He is the MOST boring person on the planet. I am not remotely attracted to him sexually, and can’t even sit across from him when eating! I make him sit next to me so I don’t have to LOOK at him!
He has no friends and is socially retarded! I don’t like to take him out. I SETTLED for lack of love, as the men I am attracted to are Assholes! I panicked due to age!
Hindsight!! I will never get married again!! Not worth it!!

My husband is a wonderful caring person and would never harm me! That is the trade off! Safety over Attraction!
jasmin 48

I am in a similar boat- and its unbearable. I feel like I’m dying a slow death inside, every day, even as I go about trying to fulfill my obligations as a dutiful person. I live in a non-consummated marriage with no intimacy- we have never kissed, or held hands- forget about sex, and we have been married for 3 years. I have known him for 7. We tried to be intimate in the first few months- several times, but I would just…’freeze’ mid-way. I am normal btw. He felt rejected-naturally, and I thought time would help. When I reached out, a few months in, he remained cold and said he’d punish me. Then we both focused on our careers and have been pretending for everyone else that we are happy. We are affectionate occasionally-but its like friends. I care about this man deeply- because he has a good heart- but not in that way- and I never have- and I told him so, long before the marriage too. I truly believe that we both deserve better-we are both good, caring people, but we made this mistake. The only time I’ve seen my husband to be selfish was perhaps when he pushed to marry me- knowing fully well, that I was unhappy. That being said, I did end up finally saying yes- so I am most at fault.

In my case, I got married under extreme parental pressure and emotional blackmail, especially when my mother was having severe health issues, and my single 30-something status did not help. My husband was a friend in my life- who KNEW I was not remotely attracted to him- I never misled him. I said ‘no’ many times- almost for 4 years. Eventually, I got ‘swept’ along by circumstances, crushed my gut instinct, and thought it would be ok because he is a genuine, affectionate person- and everybody was happy- he, his family, my family- everyone except me. Please note- we never ‘dated’ so to speak- not so uncommon in my culture. That being said, we are both highly educated, and come from fairly liberal, yet conservative families. At the time, I thought I was being frivolous about not being ‘attracted’ to him-after all, marriage is about companionship. Now I know better- attraction is not just physical- thats an important part of it, but its also emotional, intellectual, in the connection;its in the persona, and I was never able to feel it for him- no matter how hard I tried. I don’t think just attraction is enough to sustain a marriage, but I now believe that a complete absence can totally destroy any chance a marriage has.

Over time, the frustration that we both feel has built up and we fight all the time now. Went for therapy and counselling- and it emerged that the healthiest option for us is divorce/annulment actually. I am now at the point where I truly don’t want to waste any more years of his or my life. I dream of having a normal, happy marriage- and children, with a man I love, just the way he is, and who loves me. I dream the same for my now separated husband, for he deserves it just as much. We both want a marriage thats happy- it may not be perfect, it may not be smooth, but at least there would be a relation. Currently, we are living in a marriage that is just a lie.

Get out now- don’t waste time. Its not fair to you or him.
JohnX 49

I knew it.A lot of Women really are gold diggers.Disgusting creeps.Would rather be celibate than marry a gold digger.
Kia 50

Maya I have just read your situation and would like to know the decision you came to after all? Did things work out by you looking at him from a different light?
more 51

Same situation!!! I always complain over there not being any good Men! So know I chosen to stay With Someone I’m not attracted to: ( I’m trying to looking beyond his face but my body is not responding
Carrie 52

Maya, you are younger and I think you should divorce him – you have much time still to find someone who fulfills you more completely.
I’m also in the same sort of situation, but I’m a lot older. I married a kind, gentle man who proposed after knowing me for 6 weeks. I was somewhat attracted to him for those 6 weeks, but I know now that it was infatuation. We got married 6 months later and have now been married for two years. I had been with violent, alcoholic, and dishonest men in the past (including my previous husband), so I decided to go against my self-destructive instincts, to try to do something mature and “healthy” for a change, and married a predictable, kind, insecure, effeminate, and pretty boring man (he’s physically and behaviorally very feminine – very far from the type of man to whom I’m usually attracted). But it has gotten to the point, now, where I don’t like him to touch, let alone kiss, me. And it’s torturous, because I love him as a friend and I know he is likely the most kind-hearted man I’ll ever meet. We were in counseling for over a year of our two-year marriage, and now live separately in stressful limbo. He doesn’t want to get divorced, and I keep hoping that something will change with time and I’ll become attracted to him. I don’t plan on having kids or any sort of great romance any more, and my libido seems to have dropped with age. I wouldn’t even care if I didn’t have sex again, but my husband is constantly hurt by my lack of attraction and desire for him.