Comments on: I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?

By: Carrie

Carrie — Tue, 21 May 2013 02:49:01 +0000

Maya, you are younger and I think you should divorce him – you have much time still to find someone who fulfills you more completely.
I’m also in the same sort of situation, but I’m a lot older. I married a kind, gentle man who proposed after knowing me for 6 weeks. I was somewhat attracted to him for those 6 weeks, but I know now that it was infatuation. We got married 6 months later and have now been married for two years. I had been with violent, alcoholic, and dishonest men in the past (including my previous husband), so I decided to go against my self-destructive instincts, to try to do something mature and “healthy” for a change, and married a predictable, kind, insecure, effeminate, and pretty boring man (he’s physically and behaviorally very feminine – very far from the type of man to whom I’m usually attracted). But it has gotten to the point, now, where I don’t like him to touch, let alone kiss, me. And it’s torturous, because I love him as a friend and I know he is likely the most kind-hearted man I’ll ever meet. We were in counseling for over a year of our two-year marriage, and now live separately in stressful limbo. He doesn’t want to get divorced, and I keep hoping that something will change with time and I’ll become attracted to him. I don’t plan on having kids or any sort of great romance any more, and my libido seems to have dropped with age. I wouldn’t even care if I didn’t have sex again, but my husband is constantly hurt by my lack of attraction and desire for him.

By: more

more — Wed, 01 May 2013 21:56:52 +0000

Same situation!!! I always complain over there not being any good Men! So know I chosen to stay With Someone I’m not attracted to: ( I’m trying to looking beyond his face but my body is not responding

By: Kia

Kia — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 00:43:39 +0000

Maya I have just read your situation and would like to know the decision you came to after all? Did things work out by you looking at him from a different light?

By: JohnX

JohnX — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 07:37:14 +0000

I knew it.A lot of Women really are gold diggers.Disgusting creeps.Would rather be celibate than marry a gold digger.

By: jasmin

jasmin — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 00:14:55 +0000

I am in a similar boat- and its unbearable. I feel like I’m dying a slow death inside, every day, even as I go about trying to fulfill my obligations as a dutiful person. I live in a non-consummated marriage with no intimacy- we have never kissed, or held hands- forget about sex, and we have been married for 3 years. I have known him for 7. We tried to be intimate in the first few months- several times, but I would just…’freeze’ mid-way. I am normal btw. He felt rejected-naturally, and I thought time would help. When I reached out, a few months in, he remained cold and said he’d punish me. Then we both focused on our careers and have been pretending for everyone else that we are happy. We are affectionate occasionally-but its like friends. I care about this man deeply- because he has a good heart- but not in that way- and I never have- and I told him so, long before the marriage too. I truly believe that we both deserve better-we are both good, caring people, but we made this mistake. The only time I’ve seen my husband to be selfish was perhaps when he pushed to marry me- knowing fully well, that I was unhappy. That being said, I did end up finally saying yes- so I am most at fault.

In my case, I got married under extreme parental pressure and emotional blackmail, especially when my mother was having severe health issues, and my single 30-something status did not help. My husband was a friend in my life- who KNEW I was not remotely attracted to him- I never misled him. I said ‘no’ many times- almost for 4 years. Eventually, I got ‘swept’ along by circumstances, crushed my gut instinct, and thought it would be ok because he is a genuine, affectionate person- and everybody was happy- he, his family, my family- everyone except me. Please note- we never ‘dated’ so to speak- not so uncommon in my culture. That being said, we are both highly educated, and come from fairly liberal, yet conservative families. At the time, I thought I was being frivolous about not being ‘attracted’ to him-after all, marriage is about companionship. Now I know better- attraction is not just physical- thats an important part of it, but its also emotional, intellectual, in the connection;its in the persona, and I was never able to feel it for him- no matter how hard I tried. I don’t think just attraction is enough to sustain a marriage, but I now believe that a complete absence can totally destroy any chance a marriage has.

Over time, the frustration that we both feel has built up and we fight all the time now. Went for therapy and counselling- and it emerged that the healthiest option for us is divorce/annulment actually. I am now at the point where I truly don’t want to waste any more years of his or my life. I dream of having a normal, happy marriage- and children, with a man I love, just the way he is, and who loves me. I dream the same for my now separated husband, for he deserves it just as much. We both want a marriage thats happy- it may not be perfect, it may not be smooth, but at least there would be a relation. Currently, we are living in a marriage that is just a lie.

Get out now- don’t waste time. Its not fair to you or him.

By: Toadkisser

Toadkisser — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 14:03:55 +0000

Maya,

I did the same thing! I had to be drunk to have sex with my husband! He is the MOST boring person on the planet. I am not remotely attracted to him sexually, and can’t even sit across from him when eating! I make him sit next to me so I don’t have to LOOK at him!
He has no friends and is socially retarded! I don’t like to take him out. I SETTLED for lack of love, as the men I am attracted to are Assholes! I panicked due to age!
Hindsight!! I will never get married again!! Not worth it!!

My husband is a wonderful caring person and would never harm me! That is the trade off! Safety over Attraction!

By: Sandra

Sandra — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 00:57:24 +0000

Maya is earnestly asking for help. Yes, Maya, it can be torture to stay years on end, with someone you have no sexual chemistry. Talk with him, and both of you decide to end it. You will find true love soon; you are young enough and so must be your husband.
Good luck!

By: Erica

Erica — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 17:06:44 +0000

Nicola (#38),

if anything, women notice a lot more than men do. It is simply impossible not to notice a man’s face, and I fail to see any evidence that the LW is not “shallow” (putting the word in quotes here because I don’t believe we are all necessarily shallow for wanting to be only with people we find attractive).

Maya’s problems were what some have already mentioned: indecisiveness, weakness of character (which ironically enough are traits she despises in her husband), insecurity, and lack of self-awareness. I would add that there is also no clarity to her thinking. I was unable to understand post 43, for instance.

By: mia

mia — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 02:05:39 +0000

Maya as a divorce atty, I highly recommend several actions, trial separation with counseling, I like the facial hair and scent suggestions and if that fails a quick divorce. I recently broke up with a guy who was an old friend, we dated for a year and I too realized that no matter how much I enjoyed his company I did not love him. I kept waiting to feel something different and then felt guilty because he clearly loved me. Its very intoxicating to be loved, especially when you sincerely enjoy the other person. But the dark sides, (not looks in my case), but anger issues, negativity, etc. were also enough to make me finally break it off. He no longer speaks to me, which was a sign to me that I made the right decision. It sometimes takes more courage to leave than to stay.

By: Maya

Maya — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 03:35:51 +0000

Gemma, Annie, Androgynous..thank you for your advise. For others who think I married for financial reasons, let me clarify (though I shudnt have to ) that I am a financially independent person with a post graduate degree and a full time job. Me and my husband both have a separate bank account with funds in it. So yes, my husband is from same ethnic background as I am and his income is more or less same as mines. Now, I am not an American citizen who at times have total disregard to their elderly but I am someone, who if inexperienced in things like marriage, would definitely seek advise/help from elders or whosoever is experienced. Moving on, I am completely clueless in certain situations and have been indecisive many times. There have been times when I wanted to say things to my husband and would hold back just so as to avoid arguements that lead to nowhere and he getting angry. Even when I tried to look beyond external looks of my husband, I have been turned off by weakness of this personality. I like strong, decisive men. I dont like when I am being forced to do things just coz they are a part of being a “wife” and if I say no, the other person withdraws himself and goes in his shell. If I see this around me, I (wrongly) don’t communicate and then just let my husband do what he wants. I want to hurt my husband since he already is. For those of you who say that i haven’t told him about this, I would like to tell that I have clearly and honeslty told my husband (knowing its a big blow to a man’s ego) that I am not sexually attracted to you. He expects me to do things for him which I said to him are only possible (passion in bed, greeting him cheerfully when he comes home etc) if I have strong feelings for someone. Its not that I cannot do certain things that they like to make them happy. I have gone at lengths and out of comfort zone for people just because I liked them and accepted them and cherished the frndship that I shared. There was no commitment for doing so. And I hadn’t just done it for my ex bf, have done it for many frnds. I am 27 and had one relationship in past which was more of a friendship than a gf/bf or committed relationship. We both broke up realizing that we weren’t right for each other.