This may be hard to hear, as it forces you to go against all your feelings and emotions that brought you out to live near him. I’m positive a few readers can share stories about moving to be near a guy and the relationship dissolving. You’re not the first. But you’re young. You’ll bounce back. And you should know in your heart, that there’s no way you could have prepared for this outcome. If a guy says one thing and does another, you’re not at fault. Unless there were signs in advance, you’re off the hook. Sort of.
What you have to own is your internal contradictions. If the relationship was “very casual” as you said, you don’t have much of a right to complain that it remains “very casual”. I would suspect that you probably put a bit of pressure on him to act like a boyfriend, since you didn’t know anyone else in his city. And that’s not a responsibility he wanted to assume. In fact, I’d bet if you replayed your pre-move conversations, you’d remember him saying something to that effect: “Hey, you know nothing’s going to change when you move out here. We’ll still see each other and all, but I’m not ready for a girlfriend now”. And then you try to be all cool and understanding, although in the back of your mind, you’re thinking you’re going to move there and change him. Well, you moved there and the only thing that’s changed is that he has to deal with YOUR needs. When you were far away, he could give as much or as little as he wanted. You were the out-of-town girl – the perfect girlfriend, really. All the affection, none of the drama or maintenance. Now that you’re in front of him – and you have nobody else in your life – it’s glaring how important he has become to you. You have to lessen that importance immediately.
Lots of women like the IDEA of casual relationships; far fewer are able to pull it off with no emotional attachment.
As to what there is to learn from this sad story?
- 1) Let your head rule a little more than your heart. This guy was never boyfriend material and you changed your life for him. If you didn’t change your life for him, but for a career opportunity, then there’s not that much to be upset about, right?
- 2) Know thyself. Lots of women like the IDEA of casual relationships; far fewer are able to pull it off with no emotional attachment. Sounds to me like you WANTED to be able to do this, but, in practice, it hurts a lot more than you thought.
- 3) Understand motives and behaviors other than your own. This guy’s reaction is quite predictable, yet it’s coming as a surprise to you. I know he said one thing and did another – but that, too, is predictable from a long-distance guy who carries on a low-intensity sexual relationship from long-distance. He got what he needed from you; now, you’re ruining it by showing up.
If that last paragraph sounds like I’m letting men off the hook, I’m not. I’m observing human behavior. Do so as well, and you’ll see the patterns. Men do what’s convenient and easy and selfish, until they have any responsibilities. You can’t be surprised by this behavior. It will continue through your life. It’s easy to see a woman who doesn’t require more than a text a week. Once you demand more and he balks, you already have your answer. The only question that remains is how long you drag it out.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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