Comments on: I Was Unfaithful to My Girlfriend Before She Was My Girlfriend. Should I Tell Her?

By: juan

juan — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:57:06 +0000

Jason! Tell her. I have had a very similar situation. I didn’t tell. She build up a bigger and bigger fairytale of our early messages and dates. I almost forgot. But she had a tiny suspicion. And it grew. And a tiny bit of evidence came up. She dug. She started not sleeping. Things came out and got HORRIBLE. I lied (I never lie, she knows that) to “limit the damage”. I couldn’t sleep. The stress was awful.
My initial indiscretion was perfectly forgiveable but the lack of trust from being deceitful was very nearly not, and I am still having to put in major work to rebuild the trust.
If it is eating you up most likely it will come out. So come out with it first. You will feel heaps better and your relationship will be better for it.

By: sthrnphoenix

sthrnphoenix — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 14:59:38 +0000

Hmm. We don’t know all the details, so it makes it hard to be certain what should be done.

Jason, on the face of things, you need to find a way to realize that it’s okay to have other “relationships” prior to committing to one relationship. It is not okay to have a one night stand after you’re committed, but I assume there was none at the time you had the one night stand. Barring other possibilities, that event does not make you any less honest or trustworthy. Withholding that information also does not make you any less honest or trustworthy. It just makes you kinder. Because I can assure you that a confession to her at this early date would be at the least painful and uncomfortable for her when there is no need to be. Forgive yourself – you didn’t do anything wrong and you would be causing harm to confess to her now. Maybe later, but right now it would only be destructive to her and your relationship.

The only caveat to the above is if 1) the one night stand was with someone that would be hurtful to her or very likely to be found out by her (friend, coworker, relative, etc) or 2) the one night stand could be potentially harmful to her (unprotected sex). Especially in the second case, you should see a doctor to be tested and be honest with her if anything is found. However, if these neither of these conditions is present, save her the pain and yourself the guilt and realize that you are still a great, honest, trustworthy person and give your relationship a chance to grow.

By: Hope

Hope — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 20:06:10 +0000

I agree with most everyone else, Jason. Your girlfriend does not need to know about a one-night stand that happened before the two of you were serious. Not telling her about it does not make you dishonest or untrustworthy- it simply makes you tactful and considerate of her feelings. Sometimes "over-sharing" can be an emotionally selfish act. Use the time you would have spent telling your girlfriend about the one-night-stand to instead tell her how stoked you are to be with her and why. It will be much better for your relationship, and it will be a conversation she'll be glad to remember.

By: Laura S.

Laura S. — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:12:46 +0000

No, Goldie, you’re still looking at it legalistically by seeing it as Jason clearing his conscience by dumping it on the gf making it HER problem. She may not see it as a problem at all. We aren’t looking for the weasel hole, those are for weasels. I think many of us have had enough dealings with weasels in our lives, and perhaps some of us have been the weasel a time or two.

It is a relationship issue affecting two people. Jason and his conscience and how it now affects his responses to his girlfriend. It is an opportunity to learn MORE about each other and build trust. It’s the chance of a make or break moment.

I went through this awhile back with my bf over lie he told months and months before. All the issues surrounding it were cleared up, I thought it was too, but something still wasn’t right. He would get scared and pull back. Because I trust and respect him so much, he believed he had to protect me from the lie. I let him off the hook for it. He was hiding me from his friends and we were not yet a couple at the time.

Now he trusts and respects me completely. He shares the deep stuff and we are closer than I ever imagined we could be. I am expecting him to ask THE question in late spring when his house is finished.

By: Goldie

Goldie — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 18:21:15 +0000

Okay I’ll rephrase what I said earlier, so it doesn’t sound like a legalistic way to get Jason off on a technicality. If he tells his GF, then he gets to have a clear conscience at her expense. He will have offloaded his problems (real or imaginary) on her. Not the best way to try and have a relationship, in my opinion.

This was the one thing I could not stand back in my religious years, by the way — you were always encouraged to confess your sins to the person you have wronged, even if the only place you have wronged them was in your head. Say I secretly hate my neighbor Jill. From my experience, a staggering number of people would advise me to confess my sin to Jill and ask her forgiveness, and I would instantly feel better. Heck yeah, I would, after getting this off my chest! Jill, on the other hand, would be shocked and hurt to find out I’d been hating her all along, but that’s no longer my problem, right? I have confessed. I’m in the clear. Sheesh.

By: Laura S.

Laura S. — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:46:01 +0000

I find it amazing so many here approach this issue legalistically, making their call on a technicality rather on the HEART issue it is. That kind of thinking is a sucky way to try to have a relationship.

By: Ria

Ria — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:39:06 +0000

Jason – read my lips – don´t tell her. This does not make you a bad guy. There is so much mistrust in the world between people and relationships – let her be the exeption of it and build the trust in you. Theres no constructive need to break this, especially if you have such a good thing going on right now.

I belive, in your heart you have already *learned your lesson,* which is: feeling bad, confused and writing to our guru-Evan.

Its early state in your relationship, yes?
Its time to get to know her more and grow as couple.

By: Androgynous

Androgynous — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 08:41:06 +0000

Hi Kenley
Yes, you have pointed out something which I didn’t specifically address, which is that someone may still want to cheat and not end their current relationship. I not sure how Evan’s ex could have phrased it simply in one or two sentences. In effect she is saying :
- if you feel strongly attracted to someone and the opportunity is there to pursue something with this other person, please consider carefully who exactly you want to be with because I don’t want to be cheated on
- if you feel tempted to cheat in any way, work out why and if there is something wrong with our relationship. Talk to me about any problems first
- if you feel tempted to cheat because there is something seriously wrong with our relationship that is beyond repair, please break up with me first.
-if you want to cheat but still want to be with me because there is nothing wrong with our relationship, then you are not an honorable man and be aware that I will dump your sorry ass the second I find out
If anyone can summarize this succinctly they deserve the Nobel prize for literature.
As for Evan’s response. It is not puzzling at all. I suspect that before he became “enlightened”, Evan simply responded in a very logical male way to a statement which did not make logical to his male brain. He simply did not read the subtext underlying what his ex girlfriend was telling him.

By: Dee

Dee — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:31:35 +0000

I agree. This is coming from a female perspective, you can not violate a commitment that was never made.

By: Ray

Ray — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:34:32 +0000

This is why I don’t do online dating… I agree with #21. Stupid stuff like this is par for the course with online daters.

In real life, when I go on a date with someone, I expect that he is not dating other women or sleeping with other women.

I also tend to believe that Jane’s take in #22 is probably on the money. She probably asked if he was seeing someone, and he pulled a Bill Clinton on her. He wasn’t actually ‘seeing’ other women, as in spending time with them or dating them…. just having sex.

Of course, we don’t know for sure. Just speculation… but definately would fit the description of most messed up online dating situations.

I think he should tell her. Did he do anything ‘wrong’? We don’t know the whole situation…

For people who don’t date or sleep with multiple people simultaneously… what he did would be a dealbreaker… I think she deserves to know what his values are upfront, and vice versa.