If You Want to Date A Confident Leader, You Have to Let Him Lead
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You can’t have two leaders. If you want him to lead, you have to be willing to follow. You can’t overrule him.
Strong-willed men – the kind that inspire confidence – are less likely to be “pleasers”.
However, if you, as a woman, want to be a leader, understand these two things:
1) You’re not going to attract an alpha male. Male leaders don’t partner with women who tell them what to do.
2) You’re going to attract less assertive men, and you can’t get upset at them for asking how to please you.
Hey, I don’t make these rules! I just observe them.
But it makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
Strong-willed men – the kind that inspire confidence – are less likely to be “pleasers”.
They’re going to march to the beat of their own drums and hope that you follow along.
The more you fight with them and try to rein them in, the weaker your relationship. You’ve probably seen this before in your own life. This is why strong men often marry easy-going women. It’s easier because there’s no argument about who’s going to lead.
Nice guys – the kind that you don’t respect as much – want only to please you, and will bend over backwards to do so.
They’ve learned that you’re going to assert your will no matter what they say, and they find it easier to ask directly how to make you happy.
And what’s the point of making a decision that’s likely to be vetoed anyway?
I can almost hear you steaming right now.
“I don’t tell men what to do. I don’t want to be boss. I just want an equal relationship!”
I hear you. And you’re right.
There IS a middle ground. All relationships are about compromise.
I’m not suggesting you let an alpha male make all the decisions while you keep quiet.
I’m not suggesting you make all the decisions for the nice guy either.
I’m just observing these important concepts in understanding men:
The alpha male is less likely to compromise. If you can’t handle that he’s got a strong ego and doesn’t want to do things your way, don’t date him.
The nice guy is more willing to compromise, so don’t hold it against him. It’s necessarily not a sign of weakness; it may be a sign of wisdom.
Nice guys just want to get along, which can be a good thing when you’re a strong-willed woman. After all, you’re going to have less conflict with a man who puts your needs above his.
Your other choice is to date the selfish and arrogant alpha male, who usually puts his needs first, as you can tell from years of trying to tame the charismatic types.
Want to find a man who can pull off the balance between nice and arrogant? Sorry. I’m already taken. 
But I know for a fact there are plenty more of us out there.
Just don’t keep on doing the same thing – chasing alpha males and waiting for them to change. Because, as you’ve seen, that can be a really frustrating – and futile – process.
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Related Posts:
- Why Do I Go From Confident To Clingy In Relationships?
- I’m a Strong, Confident Woman Who Wants to Soften Up Around Men. But How?
- He Said He Met Another Woman Before Our Big Date and I Don’t Believe Him.
- Should I Date A Player Even When I Know He’s Going to Be Trouble?
- I’m Too Busy To Date. How Do I Meet Quality People If I Have No Free Time?
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41 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice
james 1
DROPPING THE TRUTH!!!! GREAT POST EVAN!!!
Lisa M. 2
Evan, first I’m going to admit that parts of this post annoyed me. Yes, I consider myself to be an alpha female who has been longing to meet my alpha male counterpart in which whom I can submit to. And yes, I did meet an alpha about five years ago; he was tall, hot and very financially successful and the chemistry between us was absolutely insane.
I’m extremely picky and for the time in my life I was completely enamored (oh, my god!). And like most alpha males he was extremely arrogant, self-centered, and egotistical and he exuded a ridiculous amount of confidence. But my big mistake with him was that I wanted to tame him, I wanted him to treat me differently than he had treated all the other women that were ready and willing to do whatever he wanted when he wanted. I basically wanted him to take me seriously, so I played hard to get (which wasn’t me really playing that’s how I am with every guy). I wanted him to wine and dine me and treat me nicely before I would give into him. But being that we were both alphas, we were like two ally cats circling each most of the time and neither would give into the others demands. He refused to play nice and I refused to sleep with me (submit to him first) before he would treat me the way I wanted him to.
Like I said, that was five years ago and in retrospect I realized that we might have had something (I don’t know if that would have been a good thing or not) if I had seen then that I couldn’t change him and that he was not going to change to accommodate me which was what I wanted him to do. He did, however, attempt to make some concessions but they just we’re good enough for me and eventually we went our separate ways.
Today, I see that in order to be with an alpha male-submission is required and I have become okay with that. It gets really tiresome juggling so many balls all by yourself, at times.
I also have to admit that I kind of regret not sleeping with him, though. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about him and I’m sweating from the thought of him and the sex we might have had. OMG!
I will address what you said about the nice guy later.
BeenThruTheWars 3
Sometimes, those alpha male/nice guy hybrids – rare as they are (and they do exist) – can pose a different type of problem. They WANT to take the lead, but they also want to please you because they really do love you, so they say yes… okay… fine… ad nauseum… then one day, they get fed up and blow up at you for never letting them have an opinion without stepping all over it, never letting them come up with a plan without amending it, never simply saying, “That sounds great!” and being a good sport, going along. To you, it seems to come out of nowhere, but to him, it’s been building and building and building until it’s a big honkin’ gusher of pent-up resentment. Once a guy like that blows, look out. So ladies, just be aware of how often you use phrases like, “Yes, but – ” or find yourself taking over the plan-making all the time. Dead giveaway that you’re a part of the problem. Your best strategy as a girlfriend is, “Be easy to be with,” and as a wife is, “Be easy to live with.” Peace and harmony reign, and you don’t have to kill your own spiders anymore. Bonus.
thenimirra 4
Geez, this describes me to a tee Evan. It’s kinda scary while at the same time reassuring. I routinely fall for the strong-willed guys who are nice and don’t really go out of their way to wound me, but can’t really give to a relationship because they chose to work 60-hour work weeks. My latest crush tells me all how he doesn’t want to be a workaholic, but continues to accept gigs when they come his way, whether that’s at the dead of night or over the weekend. I appreciate your advice that I need to make some compromises and cut the nice guy a break instead of judging him.
Joan V. 5
God I love reading your weekly articles Evan! Do you have any older brothers?
Lance 6
The battle of the sexes in a blog post.
FLower White 7
Nother reason why I pay for Evan’s books!
WOMEN are you listening?? I get SO tired of my single AND married girlfriends whining about when the man leads. I say you have two options. Go along with him or GET ANOTHER MAN. The last bit quiets them up!
Happy 8
Nice article, Evan. I’ve already decided: I’m holding out for the mythical beast combination plate: equal parts nice guy and arrogant sumb*tch. This is the guy who has the presence of mind to actually pay attention deeply enough to know how to make quite a few decisions that I’m going to agree with anyway, so, no contest. I’m a combo plate myself, because of having gone so many years as a single parent, and more than happy to let him make more of the decisions, since I am pretty easy going about most things anyway. Oh and, BeenThroughTheWars, nice guys, not just Buddhist nice guys, don’t *kill* spiders, they take them outside!
Still Looking 9
I think one way of visualizing the alpha/beta issue is to imagine a bell curve with beta on the left and alpha on the right. The “whipped” puppy dog men whimpering for attention and the completely subservient docile women are on the extreme left while the totally domineering egotistical men and women are on the extreme right. I’ve known very few outliers, that is those who are either a 1 or a 10 on the scale. Most are going to be clustered in the middle.
Trying to change a male who is a 10 (M10) to a M7 isn’t going to work. The man has been a super alpha for too long and it’s going to be his way or the highway. Likewise, an M1 isn’t going to change no matter what the woman does.
The sweet spot is right there in the middle of the bell curve. An M5 can easily make the transition up to an M7 or M8 if the woman lets him start taking charge. Likewise, a woman who wants an M7 can easily lose her M7 man by being too assertive and using her veto power and knocking him down a couple of notches.
Evan said assertive/confident nice guys are rare. I think that is because too many men are trying to be nice and please their partners (a good thing!) but they drop down on the scale for the wrong reason – to avoid confrontation. Most men will become more alpha if only given the chance.
In one of the other blogs there was a recommendation that a woman can be as alpha as she wants at work, but leave that personality at the office. That was great advice. An M8/F3-6 relationship would work fine with me.
A question to all — In your relationships have you noticed either you or your partner moving up and down the alpha/beta scale, and if so, what do you think is the cause?
Annalis 10
Aw, Evan. I think this post is adorable.
I also have a special trick supplied by a dating coach friend of mine, Gareth Jones.
His tip to women: See The Tourist, Be Anglina Jolie in that movie. Why? BECAUSE when Johnny Depp asks her to dinner she’s like “Women like to be asked, not told”. Great line. And then when he tells her to go to dinner with him she’s like “Now you’re just being bossy”.
She’s walks the thin tight-rope of being high-maintenance AND letting him take the lead/ try to please her. She also works for the CIA and sleeps in full-makeup\ lingerie. Sadly, I have yet to pull that off.
Conundrum: Men don’t seem to appreciate women that are wishy-washy, easy-going, too nice, don’t express what they want, etc. (similarly to women I suppose).
I let guys take the lead for years and it always resulted in feedback: “You’re too eager to please/ nice because you’re not requesting what you want and being straight with me.” Alpha guys were especially like this. When in fact I was just trying to be easy-going and feminine so they would man up.
Also, let them take the lead and most guys will dance you straight off a cliff. True story.
Catch 22 central. Thoughts?
Annie 11
Brilliant post.
I know you’ve said this kind of thing before, but you really hit the nail on the head with how we women take charge, without even REALIZING it.!!
I can think of conversations I’ve had, where I have even said to a man, I would prefer if he makes decisions some of the time, because I get exhausted by constant accountability. Then he’ll suggest an Italian restaurant, and I immediately say, no I’d prefer chinese.. hahah!! So the men end up pretty much saying “What would you like to do?”. Gosh that is so true…hehehe
Us women can be difficult can’t we?
hunter 12
EMK’s post is so true, that, I find it humorous!!!!
Venus 13
Leaders lead. You don’t have to let them. A good leader is capable of making decisions that will cater to both parties. Why suggest a movie that your partner will hate. Why take her to a bar that is substandard. A leader should know his following and cater accordingly. If he has made a mistake he should be open to suggestions. A good leader is capable of accepting suggestions and advice without taking offence. No one knows everything. When the Alpha guy gets that, there will be no need for veto authority. LOL!
OK, so I am allowed to have some fun with this one. But what I have said above is generally true.
I do believe its possible for two so called alpha’s to co-exist. Truth is, if a strong woman found herself a man who is equally strong and he is also a competent decision maker, she will likely step back and let him take the lead. If his decision making skills are underdeveloped or questionable – then that veto authority comes into play. Its not intended to denigrate him but rather to ensure the best possible solution. It’s hard to simply sit by and not offer a suggestion that you KNOW will yield better results.
That said, lesson shouldn’t be – don’t correct or assist him, but rather do so diplomatically. Guide him to your conclusion. Let him think it was his idea. Yep it can work. Alphas have big egos.
If he is a “My way or the highway” – all the time - guy then he isn’t worth the effort or stress. Those people are borderline abusive. A beta would be better choice.
As I was reading this article, I wondered if anyone stopped to think about the effect that having to deal with an alpha female has on a beta male psyche. Always walking on eggshells trying to please, never quite sure if he is good enough, never having anyone to attend to his needs. Basically secondary in the relationship. This can be devastating to his self worth!
Beta males might be attracted to Alpha females but their best option for the long run is another beta female. Its a more balanced exchange and he is allowed to lead without being questioned or challenged. Of course if he absolutely likes being dominated and subjugated then let him choose Alpha and he can live with his punishment or pleasure, as the case may be. :- )
Melissa 14
Just sharing here… I really think I’ve found one of those rare alpha males who is a genuine “nice” guy that lets me make the decisions MOST the time and just wants me to be happy… HOWEVER.. I’ve had to make compromises to keep getting what I want out of the relationship once the honeymoon phase was over. I have a very strong personality and I have had to learn the hard way NOT to tell him what to do and not to push when I can tell he really doesen’t want to be doing what I want to do (which isn’t very often). If I do this with finesse, I get my way most of the time.
But moreso than that, I’ve learned to make little compromises that make for the longest, happiest most successful relationship I’ve ever had (thanks to Evan). It didn’t come easy, but I realize that the concessions I make aren’t that big of a deal, but they improve the relationship dramatically.
For example, last weekend he was working on my studio for most of the weekend so I suggested we stop to watch the entire game midway through the day, even though I detest all sports.
I cook for him whenever I can, even though I’d always rather be eating out. It makes him feel pampered and thus I get a happier boyfriend whose willing to go along with my plans 95% of the time.
I resist the urge to keep pushing when I know he really doesen’t want to do something (even though I want to), and this has resulted in the first fight-free relationship I’ve ever had.
I think its definitely a bit more challenging with an alpha male… they like their egos to be catered to a bit more, they crave feeling important and activities to feed their testosterone (but we love that about them… LOL), but like Evan said, if this is what you’re attracted to then you just learn how to do little things that feed the alpha side of them, and in turn you get what you want… that strong, manly rock that makes you feel safe and protected.
Evan Marc Katz 15
I am VERY proud of you, Melissa. Thanks for sharing.
hunter 16
My applause to Melissa’s post….
margo 17
Sounds like Melissa has one of those alpha males that’s a combination nice guy. I recently dated an alpha male that was extremely selfish. When he told me he was always going to put his job first, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back and made me run. So glad I did!
Annie 18
@10
I think that one thing men are also really looking for is authenticity. If you are “trying” to be laid back and feminine, then are you that way? Or are you putting it on? Do you mind him taking the lead and agreeing to everything? or do you want to say something?
I think it’s a tricky balance, but men really really do pick up on women who are not authentic. If you aren’t, they can’t trust you with their feelings nor will they know how to make you happy.
I think that’s what that man was talking about, he was sensing that you might have been putting it on a bit, and that it wasn’t really you.
Sherell 19
Answer: date the Beta guy! Works for me. I can follow easily and I can lead as well. Maybe I am a Beta girl. Depends on my mood.
Katarina Phang 20
A great post, Evan. Having been with guys of the opposite ends of the spectrum, I have learnt the best combo for me (and most independent, educated women) are 65-80% alpha and 20-35% beta.
I’m dating one right now (70% alpha). He leads and decides what we’re going to do (really love that and I feel feminine as a result), yet he’s also a sensitive and mushy guy inside.
Katarina Phang 21
In other words he’s a nice guy with balls! Just what I need.
AS 22
Well said and agreed, as always Evan! If you want a leader, then you got to be a follower and not criticise his choices. The more critical women get of men, the less the men want or will do! Conversely, by displaying gratitude and being sincerely appreciative, the more men will and want to do for you!
Dan S. 23
Part of the problem is this notion that dominance and submission are general instead of domain specific. You need to decide where you want to rule and where you want your partner to rule. Attending to details – being domain-specific -is key! Don’t let the fact that someone was too submissive or too dominant in one domain lead you to believe that he or she is too submissive or too dominant overall! Be detailed, be accurate, be fair, even when temporary annoyance makes everything they do seem annoying. If you’re still not satisfied, get out or settle, it’s your choice. And when you fight, fight over details. Most of the time, it’s the details that are pissing you off, not the big picture. Feelings make it very hard to see the big picture. For example, when you’re angry, perfectly innocent behavior will look like intentional wrong doing. When you’re sad, perfectly innocent events can seem like losses. etc. Personally, I have no tolerance for people who let “feelings” rule their impression of a relationship. Feelings are reward and punishment, sure, but they can only be data if you understand that they can also oversimplify and distort. That’s part of what makes them so powerful.
Zaq 24
I wish people would define terms. What is an “alpha”.
Someone who possess confidence, leadership qualities, competitiveness ?
Someone who is tall dark and handsome ?
Someone who possesses all of these qualities as I think Lisa M seems to suggest ?
In nature I believe alphas would be quite rare as there would only be one per community, yet we seem to have some here thinking that half of all males are alpha.
So what is it ?
nathan 25
Yeah, the whole alpha/beta script is a little too rigid and unrealistic to me. Might be nice to make discussion flow easier, and to make generalized points about how people behave, but it falls apart if you move into speaking about any specific person.
Karl R 26
Happy said: (#8)
“This is the guy who has the presence of mind to actually pay attention deeply enough to know how to make quite a few decisions that I’m going to agree with anyway,”
Venus said: (#13)
“A good leader is capable of making decisions that will cater to both parties. Why suggest a movie that your partner will hate. Why take her to a bar that is substandard. A leader should know his following and cater accordingly.”
So all the man has to do to make you happy is read your mind, then make the decision that you would have made.
So you’ve just narrowed your dating pool down to the men who have verifiable ESP.
I don’t have telepathy. I don’t have precognition. Until I see a movie, I’m not certain whether I’ll like it. I’m less certain whether you’ll like it.
You’re expecting your date to “pay attention” and “know his following.” Even for someone who pays attention to details and even takes notes, that takes time to accomplish. It won’t happen during the first few dates. Are you willing to give each man several months so you can see whether he is capable of learning (and then doing) what you like?
You will increase your odds of finding a good man if you set your expectations to a level that’s possible to achieve.
On the other side of the equation:
Men, if you take notes of what your date/girlfriend likes and dislikes, you can set yourself far ahead of the rest of the crowd. Store your notes in your smart phone. That way you only have to remember details until she uses the restroom, and you can review your notes right before each date.
She’ll think you’re attentive. All you really have to be is moderately tech savvy.
m 27
I like that Karl took the time to offer some advice to men as well, in addition to his usual advice to women (especially as I’ve read Evan here more than once say that Karl sometimes speaks as though he were his second head).
Thank you, Karl.
Now if only all the men who are lurking and reading (you don’t have to reveal your secret identities, LOL — just pat yourselves on the back for being smart enough to read and take notes and know it puts you at a “competitive advantage”; we know you like those) are smart enough to take your advice.
Irina 28
Evan, I’ve encountered a similar situation at Annalis. Could you say more about that? How do you reconcile the fact that men like independent women and don’t like pushovers?
Sherell 29
“A smart eagle does not show her claws” Praise and ego stroking has many so call alpha men thinking they are in charge.
Gem 30
Melissa #14. Agreed!
Lisa M. 31
@Zaq
You’re right. A true authentic alpha male is a rare breed of man. And the guy I described was the real deal, all alpha. I often referred to him as a caveman. LOL! I have never felt anything like that towards a man in my 36 years (I have admit that after writing about him here on Thursday, I went to look him up on Face book). I have to say, very few men have the confidence to approach me but this guy walked right up to me and look me straight in the eyes and said, “Hi, baby”. Of course, I was appalled at first but he was so sexy and so sure of himself that I quickly recovered.
Still regretting not having sex with him. Oh, well.
hunter 32
If a man can clear his mind, and look into his dates eyes, (hopefully she isn’t wearing a low cut dress) and listen closely, he can come close to reading what is on her mind, sometimes. If the woman is fearful, the man can’t read her.
morgan 33
I take Evan’s point but… there’s also a subset of alpha men who are most attracted to demanding, high maintenance women. They buy into the whole story that if the princess wants me I must be good. Usually these men are alpha in all areas of their life except in their intimate relationships where they are completely under the woman’s thumb (maybe what Dan @23 is getting at when he talks about these interpersonal dynamics being domain-specific).
A lot of it is borne of insecurity. Some are playing out their mommy issues and with women who make them feel they;re not quite good enough. Others are looking to prop up their sense of self with externals – career, belongings, desirable partner. They quickly lose interest in women who are easygoing and accepting (and no those are not euphemisms for ‘doormat’).
I’ve seen this dynamic too many times to dismiss it as a rare aberation of the dominant male prefers submissive female dynamic.
Evan Marc Katz 34
I don’t disagree with you, Morgan. Alpha men go for alpha women. I did for 35 years. It never worked. Too much ego, narcissism, selfishness. Alpha/beta is a better fit, even if alpha/alpha attraction is stronger.
Darren Miller 35
Hi Evan, great post! This reminds me of a few chats I have had with women. They were telling me the exact same, they want and desire a prime leader, a part of that masculinity of being a man. Women don’t necessarily have it, it’s just a part of the female verses the male energy.
Masculine energy should be more assertive and have leadership quality, while women are meant to be softer, loving and more nurturing. It’s in their nature. Women are looking for that ying and yang in their life, for a man to be that leader.
I found some statistics in a well known magazine saying that in 2011 the most attractive profession to women is a doctor, for their leadership nature. But if you’re not a doctor don’t let this dishearten you. If you are confident you can attract anyone.
southrnphoenix 36
I’ve been reading your blog since 2009, Evan. It’s been a slow, but dogged evolution for me as I learned more about how the man’s mind works and as I determined how my mind worked. What I worked out for myself over time is that one of the most important traits that I wanted was just a capacity to be loving. In great part due to your advice, Evan, I have strived to keep an open mind and am currently dating a nice man. I am also loving every minute of it. I encourage him to make decisions and thoroughly enjoy my time with him when he does. I make an effort to let him know how much I enjoyed myself too. However, I can see one or two instances where I might have discouraged him inadvertantly and will keep a look out to help prevent those moments. Thank you, Evan, for all your advice. Not only have you helped me be more accepting of possibilities, but you are helping me to help establish healthy habits in my relationships. For that, I will continue to read your blog.
Leslie 37
I personally think that alpha men are really over-rated. Long lasting relationships are based on compromise and team-work. I don’t want an alpha male or a beta male, instead, what I look for in a partner is someone who takes the lead when it’s crucial when he take the lead, and relaxes, when he’s suppose to relax.
He needs to pick the restaurant to be a leader thing is kind of lame. What if they guy is new to the area or doesn’t eat out or really doesn’t have a preference on eating out? I don’t see how this signifies that he’s not a “leader”. Most women that I know have much stronger preferences for eating out then men, it makes sense that this decision is deferred to women.
I disagree with the 60 hour work week and being emotionally unavailable. These days, if you want to make a decent income, I don’t see how you can work less than 60 hours a week. What about investment bankers and C-level business men and women.. or even students or men in law enforcement or the military… who work up to 100-hours a week and still manage to keep their marriages and raise their children? Even if a guy has to work 100+ hours a week, as long as he communicates that I’m important to him and he takes out the few free hours here and there to spend quality time with me, that’s fine by me. Better than a guy who works 40-hours a week and calls once a week.
Darren Miller 38
@Leslie
I find what you said, somewhat interesting when you mentioned you dont an want alpha male. Yes, I understand we can all be selective in our choices for men or women, however, i think alpha males have this bad reputation hovering over them. In may personal opinion Alpha man shouldn’t be known as tarts or playas or whatever, some use this method for socializing skills. I know as I have helped friends of friend, and having these resources in there back pocket it makes it easier for them to approach men or women and furthermore you feel captivated by his confidence.
Missy 39
Hi Evan,
I just read this article today and 30 minutes later I was on the phone with an Alpha Male that I am newly dating. It wasn’t until we were off the phone that I realized (even though I had JUST read your article) I did EXACTLY what you suggest NOT to do!!!! I had a preconceived notion of what I wanted to do so when he suggested we go on a date tomorrow I had the BALLS to suggest something different!! What a twit!! It wasn’t until we were off the phone I realized I had done it. I don’t even realize what a pattern it is of mine to always try to “make it even better”. I’m a strong woman and more then anything I want a STRONG masculine man… this means learning to receive the suggestions he makes, be excited about the date and not try to “make it even better”. THAT can be very annoying to a man! I’m so grateful I’m reading your blog and learning so much from it. More then anything I want to end my “relationship breaking” patterns and accept the man how he is and who he is…. not changing him into someone different (because that would piss me off if he did it to me). Thanks again for your brilliant way of communicating in a way I can understand it and implement it!
Bobbe 40
What an awesome way to explain this, now I know everything!
Selena 41
Recently in another forum I read a post by a man who said he had 3 good dates with a woman who seemed interested in him. He questioned her interest however, when he expected her to be the one to ask him for a 4th date and she never did.
Women are told to let men lead in courtship. They are told to understand the masculine-feminine dynamic: men pursue, women accept. They are told if they ‘chase’ a man, they will chase him away because they are trying to take over his ‘job’. So what’s going on with the fellow above?
I’ve never been in such a situation, but I think if a man conveyed to me he wanted me to start leading in this way it would feel uncomfortable. Like he wanted to be “the girl” in the relationship – operate in feminine energy himself. It would feel off.
If I had 3 good dates where I showed interest and never heard from the guy again, I would have concluded he wasn’t into me. It never would have occurred to me after date 3 he was done ‘pursuing’ and it was now “my turn”. Is this the new dating protocol – man leads for 2-3 dates, then switches off to the woman? What happens after that?
Thoughts anyone? Evan?