Comments on: I’m in a Relationship With a Great Guy Who Just Won’t Change. What Should I Do?

By: helene

helene — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 22:22:09 +0000

I think it is unrealistic for any of us to go into a relationship and NOT to expect to have to change. Relationships involve a process of adaptation to each other and this “you knew I was like this when you met me” line is such a cop out. In my major relationships I have made huge changes at times, to facilitate the relationship – I moved to a different country, had to change career, speak a different language make entirely new friends… Equally my partner at that time had to make big changes to his life to adapt to having a wife who was from another culture. I think adapting to each other and taking responsibility for the shared life you have together and making it work are basic components in a relationship. Anyone who is not prepared to adapt as life goes on is going to have problems in ALL areas of their life, not just in relationships – your partner may “love you as you are” – at least for a while, but your employer, bank manager or the members of your tennis league may not if you constantly expect everyone just to fit in around you. Change and adaptation are the key to a successful life in every respect – anyone who is not prepared to adapt should not even bother getting into relationships in the first place!

By: Debbie Maez

Debbie Maez — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 17:36:30 +0000

Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to mention that I’ve really loved surfing around your blog posts. After all I will be subscribing on your rss feed and I am hoping you write again soon!

By: Sara Malamud

Sara Malamud — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 04:07:55 +0000

”You do not change what you do not acknowledge” says Dr Phil. Nobody but him can help himself. So if it bothers you, move on. Maybe he is happy the way he is and he just needs a woman who also procrastinates! Do not waste time playing Florence Nightingale. Unless you enjoy it ?!

By: sil

sil — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 12:56:45 +0000

If the guy procrastinated at EVERYTHING (as in the post on Feb 20th 2009 at 04:13 am) then he either had major depression or didn't love the woman he's dating. And a third (!) possibility: he did love her (maybe even quite a lot), but his depression was just too awful and probably connected to other personality issues (past traumas, introversion or some similar interpersonal inhibition, as in: "procrastination permeated everything, including infringing on the time he spent with me, and returning phone calls, or e-mails"). Maybe the solution could have been to admit these psychological ills and get proper treatment or advice/counselling. sil´s last blog post...Review and wishlist for Media Player Classic 6.4.x.x

By: hunter

hunter — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:25:22 +0000

Truth, truth behold, maybe you speak the truth, but, truth being, relationships are not always about the truth…..

By: truth

truth — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:40:04 +0000

Uh, actually, people do change! Just not for other people.

By: Shari

Shari — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:14:46 +0000

Casual E,

Our relationship is long distance, one of the reasons his lack of a job, thus lack of money, thus lack of resources so we could see each other, bothered me so much. We never could just bump into each other, or hang out, we always had to schedule time to be together. At this point, because he’s still out of work, any face to face time will have to wait because I can’t afford to pick up the tab. But we still e-mail, text, and talk on the phone. There’s no romantic overtones any longer. Will this continue? Hard to say. We might eventually fizzle out, or it could become like another relationship I had where it just wasn’t going to work and we remained friends. To this day, four years later, we still spend time together. It’s just with a different set of feelings.

By: casualencounters.com/blog

casualencounters.com/blog — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:34:34 +0000

Just curious, Shari. Have you really remained friends with the guy? Like, do you still see him and hang out and stuff? Or is it more of a "I bear you no overt ill-will and would probably say hi if we bumped into each other in the street" sort of friendship? casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post...Casual Encounters Web TV Show, Episode 2

By: A-L

A-L — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 16:07:37 +0000

Thanks for the update, Shari. Glad things seem to have turned out well for you.

By: Shari

Shari — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:13:03 +0000

I do appreciate everyone’s thoughtful insights – thank you! This letter was written while I was in the middle of deciding what to do, and as Casual Encounters mentions, yes, I did know this was about me, and this is exactly what I told my boyfriend. I didn’t want to ask him to change, I’ve already been on that end of a relationship and it’s painful, to say the least, when things that are just you become unacceptable to the person you’re with and they can’t accept you and want you to change.

Naturally, there is MUCH more to this relationship than what I wrote. The job issue is the biggest, which is why I made it an example, but the procrastination permeated everything, including infringing on the time he spent with me, and returning phone calls, or e-mails. There was also a lack of motivation that meant a two year degree which is gateway to a better job was taking six years to complete (and it’s still not done), and a lack of self control that found him losing jobs because he didn’t get to sleep on time and overslept his alarm day after day.

After a year and a half of this I had to ask myself if I could be okay in the long run with someone who could regularly become too busy at just about anything and forget an obligation to me until the last minute, or had no self motivation, and little self control and discipline. I realized these things were deal breakers and as wonderful as he is in other areas, I had to tell him there can be nothing romantic between us. I did tell him that this was about me, not him. There are certain basic things I need to have to sustain a romantic relationship and while we have this great friendship, with the lack of those other things, a great friendship is all we could have. He seemed relieved when I brought it up, having already come to that conclusion but as is just him, he had been getting ready to bring it up, just hadn’t gotten there yet. So we’ve decided to remain friends.

I’m a regular reader of Evan’s Blog and have always liked the honesty that not just he displays, but in the comments by his readers. So thanks again.