I’m In Constant Fear Of Losing Him – How Do I Calm Down?
I am a 56-year-old teacher, and met a nice man in March. He ended it after a short time. I felt he was making a mistake, but left him alone. I started dating and saw that he was on Match.com again also. I sent him an e-card for his birthday in May. He responded nicely, but gave me no indication he wanted to start dating again. Then he contacted me and said he found an old cell phone message from me and he wasn’t going to erase it because I am so nice. We started dating again in the beginning of June, and saw each other every day of his week-long vacation (he initiated it).
Now he is back to work and I am insecure. I always worry (because he ended it with me once before and also ended a six year relationship before me easily) that it might happen again. It’s terrible to live in fear. I have more invested in this now, and would probably be devastated if he did end it. He doesn’t know what I’m going through when we’re not together. Technically this relationship didn’t start in March, but June when we resumed. It just started, but I feel so connected physically and mentally, and it’s driving me crazy! How can I get to a place where this doesn’t immobilize me? I’m so afraid of losing the happiness and peace I feel when we are together. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you. Nancy
Hey Nancy.
You’re not at peace.
Your man’s job is to take down his profile, call you every day, integrate himself into your daily life and bill himself as your boyfriend.
You’re not happy.
You’re going crazy.
And you’re asking ME how to enable you to continue this pattern?
Sorry, you’ve got the wrong guy.
You must have mistaken me for someone who wants women to have unhealthy relationships with emotionally unavailable men.
You must have confused me with a man who thinks that men should be in control and that women should just put up with all nonsense.
You must have misremembered some blog post where you thought I said that the ideal relationship is one where you’re walking on eggshells, anxious about the present, insecure with the future, and consistently questioning your man’s integrity.
Any readers ever feel what Nancy’s feeling?
Any readers have a POSITIVE tale about how their panic-inducing relationship has lasted for thirty years?
If so, let me know in the comments section that you’re the exception.
But the rule, Nancy, is this:
Your man’s job is to make you feel safe.
Your man’s job is not simply to be smart and sexy and appealing, but to be consistent and kind.
Your man’s job is to take down his profile, call you every day, integrate himself into your daily life and bill himself as your boyfriend.
And if you’ve been with a guy for over 6-8 weeks and you still have questions about whether he’s your boyfriend, guess what?
You’re in a toxic, one-sided relationship that benefits him and is going to crush you in the long run.
Here’s a brief video clip from a speech I gave to a group of singles with the 8 Things that Your Boyfriend Must Do To Be Your Boyfriend:
Therefore, your question, Nancy, shouldn’t be “What do I do to calm down?”
Rather, it should be, “Why would I feel nervous or insecure around this man?”
Chances are, it’s because he’s not doing most of what’s in the above video.
And if he’s not giving you those 8 things, the only course of action is to walk away because you’re not getting your emotional needs met.
If, of course, you choose to stick with him – as most women would – you’re pretty much just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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66 Comments »Filed Under Dating
AQ 1
Happy Labor Day!
I am so glad you told us these things, Evan. This is my new goal and I am not going to put up with anything else.
BTW – books are great (Why he disappeared and Finding the One Online) – the profile is jamming baby – lots of dates, emails, calls, so now I can be picky!! LOL!!
I dumped the last guy after reading your site because he chose to be overwhelmed with work and not that into me. I want a boyfriend who is into me and I am never going to settle until I have it.
It sounds dumb but we really needed someone to tell us these things and what a man is looking for.
THANK YOU!
Lily 2
I agree Evan, BUT isnt it a bit too soon for that kind of commitment? What you are saying makes perfect sense AFTER they agree to be in a relationship. Could this be considered the gray zone before that? Most women dont enjoy that stage, and find it nerve racking. I say dont continue to have sex with him, and just “date” he will come around or not, soon enough.
Fawn 3
I really hate to say this, Nancy – but it sounds like he’s just using you until something better (in his eyes) comes along. You have good cause to be nervous. This is not a man you can count on to be there in the long run.
Amy 4
Good advice Evan, but what if all your needs ARE getting met and still you are insecure? My current boyfriend of almost 8 months is great to me, kind, reassuring, present and I still can’t dismiss the thought he’s going to leave me. I know this is MY issue, not his, because of past boyfriends who have dumped me. How do I move on from my past so I don’t mess up my future??
Bree Talon 5
I have definitely been guilty of putting too much focus on my relationship with my partner in the past, at the expense of myself. What is so easy to lose sight of once our emotions get entangled is that autonomous being we were before we fell in love. I am all for love! But self-love first, during and always. I love taking care of my man. But the biggest reason he loves me taking care of him (and takes care of me) is because of how I take care of myelf. If we made ourselves more of a priority, it would be easier to see when our partner wasn’t doing the same.
I love the 8 Things video. Thanks Evan!
Ruby 6
If a man broke up with me, and then wanted to get back together, I would be taking things very slowly. One of the problems I see is that Nancy spent every day of this man’s week-long vacation with him. It’s too soon to spend that much time together, even if he initiated it. It also implies that she stopped dating anyone else. If there is no commitment to be exclusive, then it is too soon to be giving one man all your time. If he really wanted to be Nancy’s boyfriend, she wouldn’t be feeling so insecure.
Cheryl Miller 7
“You must have confused me….” dude, this question wasn’t about you. Why all the references to/about you?
Valley Forge Lady 8
Nancy……….
I have dated this guy! He is hell in bed. He talks about his past relationships frequently but never about a future with you. He is happiest when you are doing something for him. If he does something for you it is because he is expecting more in return. You seldom meet his family or friends. He does not have many friends. His family is not important to him. He always has to have the last word. Your ideas are either wrong or not important. You look up the word narcisist and his picture appears.
Darliing, save your mind, your self esteem and your dignity. Disappear from this man’s life. Do not explain just disappear! He will not like it but if you stay he will try to take you down. He has done this with all of his women. Sticking around will not change him. You are very special but you are not so unique that you will change the stripes on this Tiger!
It took me three years to get over a man like this. But the monkey is off my back. Reading Evan’s work has helped me see the light! Truth be told I have a long history of finding emotionally unavailable men irresistable. Those days are behind me. I am 62 Years old and still attractive. I am on line and discovering that men of all ages are attracted to me……it is my responisibilty to pick the man who deserves me. YOU CAN DO THIS TOO!!!!
Allison 9
I’ve been there– the total happiness when you’re together, the total panic when you’re apart. It felt like I was always waiting for something– for him to call, to make plans, to move the relationship forward. And it did not end well. Crushing, as Evan said, when he broke up with me, and of course he broke up with me. I will never put up with that kind of anxiety again. Good luck, Nancy– it’s not easy to cut a guy loose when he has that kind of pull on you, but it sounds like he’s not a good bet for the long run.
Marioned 10
Is it him or HER?????? Sometimes a guy can be doing things right and the woman has issues. It’s hard to tell from this letter what the case is.
Katarina Phang 11
I’m always baffled by why women who invest in a guy so quickly after a few weeks/months without knowing where he stands. If he doesn’t say you are exclusive, date around, for God’s sake! Enjoy his company and a bunch of other great men. What’s wrong with that??
Of course she feels anxy. She puts all her eggs in one basket unnecessarily. And sooner or later her insecurities and needy vibe will drive him away again.
Be a powerful goddess by absorbing all the attentions you can get from any man and feel great about yourself. A woman can even do this without dating guys when she’s in an exclusive relationship. Example: dress up when you go out and turn heads and have guys tell you how pretty you are, smile and thank them. Just doing that boosts your self-esteem in the way you didn’t think even possible. You will realize you don’t need to pine for any one guy, let them pine for you!!. How’s that for a change in attitude and mind set?
Annie 12
Great Post Evan.
If anyone feels like they are walking around on eggshells, then they are not being themselves. Why would anyone want to be with some-one we have to fake it with all the time?
Don’t invest so much into a man straight away, invest in yourself imo, and wait until a man wants to invest in you before giving him so much of your time and energy.
Zann 13
Thank you, Nancy, because I needed to read this post right at this very moment. It’s like a brutally cold bucket of water over my head. I am in your age-range, and I gotta say, it absolutely floors me that at my age I am still susceptible to the allure of the emotionally unavailable charismatic male. You do not walk alone on this one.
For me it’s in the form of a guy I’ve known for 6 years. 6! He is warm, open, extremely affectionate, easy-to-talk-to… handsome. He compliments me endlessly — likes my body, my style, my weird sense of humor, my outlook, the affection and caring I show toward him. But the fact remains that the man cannot — or more importantly, will not — commit to me. It’s not a mystery. I know the trap I’m walking into every time he comes sniffing around for some no-strings-attached fun.
And even though I’ve had other relationships during that 6 years, he still manages to reappear in my life, stirring things up, until once again I’m convincing myself that he really IS the man for me, we’re such a good fit, I should just live for the moment, be here now, enjoy it for what it is. Except there is little enjoyment, and what enjoyment there is, is tainted with doubt. Clearly, it doesn’t work for me. It works for him, and I’m sure this is painfully obvious to anyone who’s watched me — an otherwise sane, competent, independent woman — go through this ridiculous dance with this guy. Over and over.
When I’m reconnecting with someone familiar, it can feel so natural that I convince myself that all is well. But really, if all was well, I wouldn’t be feeling all the anxiety and turmoil — oh, and let’s not forget the self-loathing.
So, that’s why it’s so refreshing to watch our pal Evan’s video about the 8 Things a Boyfriend Does. When your man comes up so glaringly short of those 8 Things, it’s very hard to continue the denial. Even 6 out of 8 is not good enough — not for you, not for me or any other self-respecting woman. Dump this dude and be nice to yourself. The calm will eventually follow.
Margo 14
Great post! Marioned, it’s him. He’s a selfish asshole.
Marie 15
Thank you, Evan!! I just broke up with my “sort-of” boyfriend because he couldn’t make me a priority in his life after 4 months of being with him (he would make the effort for a while but he was inconsistent and I was unhappy most of the time). I ended it. I told him that I want it all, or nothing. He wants me in his life still, but I told him not to call unless he’s ready to give me everything I deserve. I was never exclusive with him, because he wasn’t doing the things listed above to try and BE my boyfriend, but of course I wanted those things so I stuck around for a bit (he’d give a little and improve his communication, etc, only to fall back into his old habits after a couple weeks).
I just told him I couldn’t have him in my life yesterday so reading this post today is perfect timing and SUCH a blessing. Thank you.
Walking on eggshells and feeling crazy and insecure is NEVER a recipe for happiness!!
Marie 16
Valley Forge Lady… OMG, thank you!!!!!! Haha.
Valley Forge Lady 17
Nancy….Zann….Ladies who love Bad Boys…………(I am reforming!)
I have a homework assignment for you! Go to the Urban Dictionary and look up the word….Player. This says it all! Even men recognize the kind of evil that lurks in the character of men who play on the feelings of caring women.
We all have the responsibility to make wise choices. Dr. Phil says it best……”There are not victims….only volunteers.”
Pu on your Big Girl Pants….and make wise choices. This should be very enmpowering.
Hey Evan…………….How is your Mom Doing?
morgan 18
Cheryl Miller @7
Geebus love, how long have you been reading this site? I feel like I need to explain this sloooooowly for you…
Evan is a writer. Writers usually consciously adopt a style often referred to as their ‘voice’ which manifests in the various literary techniques they use.
What you’re objecting to is the voice Evan uses to write for this site. I happen to find it very effective. I can hear him talking to me when I read. From what I can see lots of other people like it too.
If you don’t like it then no problem, buh bye.
Goldie 19
I’m with Katarina’s #7… just had a conversation on this subject with a good friend of mine and we both agreed that, unless both sides have explicitly agreed to be exclusive, no one owes anyone anything.
I did not see any references in Nancy’s letter to any conversations where she and this man had agreed to be exclusive. So they’re not. He’s having fun, and she should do the same. If she is so emotionally attached to him that she can’t have any fun unless he’s around, then maybe it’s time to walk away, because staying with(?) him under the circumstances would be too toxic and one-sided. Imagine the shock on his face when you leave before he does
Of course, it’s easier said than done. Been there, done that… got the proverbial T-shirt.
On another note, can Evan and some of the commenters go easier on people like Nancy (or me?) who are just getting back on the market in their 40s and 50s, and are still learning the ropes? Dating at this age is brutal, and definitely not the same as it was when we were last on the market in our late teens and early 20s. I’m just starting to learn to enjoy the process, take it one day at a time, and not put any unnecessary pressure on myself and others, but it is a skill and will take time and hard work. It’s a jungle out there!
Margo 20
@Goldie #19, what do you mean can “EVan and the commentators” go easy on you and Nancy? Evan tells it like it is, and that’s the only reason I keep reading his blog. Some women need a wake-up call, and unfortunately unless they get it, they will keep wasting their lives on unhealthy dating situations. If you want to be coddled, maybe you should go somewhere else.
Evan Marc Katz 21
Even though Margo and I generally disagree (she’s far angrier at men than I am), she and I are in accordance on this one. She asked for my opinion. I gave it. I’m not sure how it’s harsh when I didn’t insult the OP at all.
Goldie 22
@ Margo, thanks for the invitation to go somewhere else, but I think I’ll stick around.
Good question to why the post came across to me as harsh. After giving it some thought, maybe it’s because of this:
“Your man’s job is to take down his profile, call you every day, integrate himself into your daily life and bill himself as your boyfriend.
And if you’ve been with a guy for over 6-8 weeks and you still have questions about whether he’s your boyfriend, guess what?
You’re in a toxic, one-sided relationship that benefits him and is going to crush you in the long run.”
Is this six weeks from their first date to the point where he needs to take down his profile and call himself her boyfriend?
And, if that doesn’t happen in six weeks, she should turn around and leave?
Is this supposed to work both ways? If I start seeing a guy, do I have a six-week deadline, too? Because I’ve had that happen. This year, I had a guy who, after three dates and maybe four weeks after he’d first emailed me, told me he was going on vacation for ten days and, if I didn’t find anyone else by the time he came back (that would’ve been a total of six weeks), then we’d be getting off the site together. (I hadn’t managed to find anyone in the ten days I was given, but still told him we wouldn’t work as a couple. He went right out and found someone else immediately.) I had another one who started calling me GF after ONE coffee date and kept mentioning how he couldn’t wait to get off the site… I hardly even knew the man at that point. (Told him I wasn’t ready for anything that serious, never heard from him again.) Both men reminded me of a timeshare trade show I’d once been to, where they put you in a room, close the door and tell you that they’re offering you a once-in-a-lifetime deal, but you have to sign right now. The deal expires today at midnight and won’t be there tomorrow.
Too much pressure, in my opinion, on all sides. I could be wrong, but, for people in their 40s and 50s with families, kids, elderly parents, responsibilities, etc. on both ends, that hardly allow for one-two evenings of face time per week, six weeks sounds pretty unrealistic for a person to commit, or expect commitment.
My opinion on this one (and I’m still fairly new to the dating scene…) is that they just haven’t talked about what one another’s expectations are, and probably expect different things. He’s living in the moment, while she’s worried sick that what they have may not last for the rest of their lives. I see a big disconnect here.
I agree that, if she isn’t happy with the way things are, and he is happy and content and won’t change a thing, then she shouldn’t stick around. But, IMO, that has nothing to do with the six-week timeframe or whatever. (Though, in their case, it’s been three months!! – enough to decide whether you’re a couple or not.) It has everything to do with her living in constant fear, and him not having a clue that she does. Doesn’t sound like being “so connected physically and mentally” to me.
Joe 23
There’s nothing in the letter that tells me this guy is an asshole and/or a player. To be honest, it just sounds to me like Nancy is really insecure, and insecure people do not make for good relationship partners.
Anne 24
I personally would like to hear from Evan on what are the signs of emotionally unavailable men & why they join online dating sites to begin with?! From reading the responses it seems that many women deal with men like this. Out curiousity I’d like to hear what the male thought process is on persuing a relationship they obviously dont want. Are they clueless or are they aware of what they are doing? Personally I would not let the fear of him leaving consume me; unavailable IS NOT something we as women can change and waiting around for round # 2 of heartbreak is careless on the womens end. However an explanation of why emotionally unavailable men troll online dating sites would bring some comic relief perhaps to all of us women who just wonder what the heck these men are thinking! Thanks Evan
)
Kim 25
Wow, I think I know this guy … in the form of three men I have dated in the last six months. Two of them had the sense and self-awareness to be honest with me that they weren’t looking for a commitment, and I reacted accordingly. I continued to date and enjoy myself when and if they called, not waiting around to see if they would. The third totally confused me with his push and pull dating technique to the point that, after the third push, I said buh-bye! And he was charming, witty, handsome, successful … a real alpha type … and complimented me constantly, said oh-so-wonderful things to me the whole time we would be together, and then disappear for a week or more without so much as a one word text. Yes, it hurt, but I realized that this guy was not worth having, at any cost to my self-esteem. I care about myself too much to endure this kind of treatment, and Nancy, I agree with Evan and the other posters here, you should definitely cut this one loose, because you will end up in a miserable state, and still not have a boyfriend. I remember something Evan said once on his blog … that a man is not real UNTIL he is your boyfriend, and that means he needs to be doing all 8 of the things in that great video. It’s the yardstick I use to measure them all by now. Now, I have been dating a great guy for the last two months who is cute, funny and a blast to be around, has asked me to be exclusive, he calls at least once every day, has told me he loves me, has introduced me to friends and family, has met my kids and is great with them, talks of things we will do in the future, and treats me like a queen. I have no insecurities that I will lose him, or that he will leave me. I adore him, and feel that he is real, and IS my boyfriend now. The thing is, once you have a for-real relationship, none of those insecurities will be there, because he will be doing everything he can to convince you that he is genuine. And that is worth waiting for, Nancy. If you are feeling frightened and alone with this guy … you are. Listen to how you feel … your emotions are trying to tell you something!
nathan 26
I’m not terribly enthused about this guy either. Maybe he’s realized he made a mistake the first time, but the whole “nice” comment as the reason for keeping her phone number and getting a hold of her again doesn’t sit well with me. “Nice” usually doesn’t equal “I’m really into you.”
That said, I agree with Lily @2 that it could be too early to have all those “boyfriend factors” in place and functioning. Two months should be enough time to have a decent sense of where you stand with a person, something Nancy doesn’t have. Which is troubling. But the level of trust needed for deeper commitment isn’t always there after two months, especially if significant time hasn’t been spent together. Beyond the vacation together, how often have they seen each other? Is there increasing communication outside of the time they spend together?
I feel like the letter doesn’t give us enough detail to really know what to think about her situation. Perhaps if she’s reading, Nancy could tell us a bit more.
U 27
I don’t think Nancy’s predicament has anything at all to do with how her boyfriend is treating her, but has everything to do with how she’s treating herself. The insecurity, fear and anxiety are symptoms of a bigger issue that she needs to address through meditation, yoga, therapy, or anything else that may help her. If she doesn’t take care of her mental well being, the boyfriend issue will be moot because he’ll dump her again and she’ll have no one to blame but herself for not taking responsibility for her own life.
Goldie 28
@ Anne #24:
” Out curiousity I’d like to hear what the male thought process is on persuing a relationship they obviously dont want. Are they clueless or are they aware of what they are doing?”
Not an emotionally unavailable guy, but I’ll take a stab at it…
Some are fresh out of a divorce/LTR and want to take it easy for a while.
Some are fresh out of a looong marriage and need time to figure out what they want (other than “not anyone like my ex”).
Some are just out of a loooong marriage prior to which, they didn’t date or almost didn’t date, and want to play the field to make up for lost time.
Some have other personal stuff going on, and don’t have the energy to invest in a serious relationship, but get lonely like the rest of us.
Some are all of the above.
Bottom line, IMO very few of these guys do the things they do on purpose, because they want to deliberately hurt a woman, to prove a point, or feed their ego, or use women for their own short-term purposes. Most are nice guys that don’t want to hurt anyone, but are at a stage in their lives where they, well, just can’t help it. Some outgrow this stage eventually, some don’t.
Just my guess… How close was I?
Ruby 29
Goldie #24
I’d say you are pretty accurate. I’d like to add as a type a man I dated that had gotten very burned in his marriage, hadn’t dated in a few years, and was just beginning to date again. Despite the passage of time, he still wasn’t ready. It takes some people quite awhile to get over being dumped, longer than you might think. I would also to the list one of the worst offenders: The Separated Man.
lawyerette 30
Anne – I think the answer to that question is “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Unlike women, men are perfectly happy to enjoy the benefits of a low-commitment, low-effort arrangement with a woman they have no interest in marrying. Guys are fine to go out sometimes, enjoy your feminine company, and sleep with you if you’re willing. Especially if you do all the heavy lifting of contacting him, making plans, and generally making it easy for him. That’s why Evan advises women to mirror men’s effort and to avoid trying to take the lead on dating. That way his intentions will reveal themselves through his efforts.
Sherell 31
“Too much pressure, in my opinion, on all sides. I could be wrong, but, for people in their 40s and 50s with families, kids, elderly parents, responsibilities, etc. on both ends, that hardly allow for one-two evenings of face time per week, six weeks sounds pretty unrealistic for a person to commit, or expect commitment.
My opinion on this one (and I’m still fairly new to the dating scene…) is that they just haven’t talked about what one another’s expectations are, and probably expect different things. He’s living in the moment, while she’s worried sick that what they have may not last for the rest of their lives. I see a big disconnect here.
I agree that, if she isn’t happy with the way things are, and he is happy and content and won’t change a thing, then she shouldn’t stick around. But, IMO, that has nothing to do with the six-week timeframe or whatever. (Though, in their case, it’s been three months!!”
I soooo agree. It may be an age /maturity perspective. These arbitrariy dealines are not a once size fit all.
Sherell 32
@23 That’s my take as well. I would add that she should set her on rhythm everyday on the vacation maybe a bit much. Who is to say why the first time he broke it off. Maybe it was a legitimate reason. In any event, if she has decided to date him again, she needs to be a bit more relaxed and easy going! She’s vested in him and he hasn’t even proven to be worthy!!!! Initially it is about going out and having fun and learning about a person. I think many women get their feeling involved too soon.
Gem 33
I think the reason Nancy feels insecure is because:
A. She knows/feels, in her gut, (always trust the gut) that she is more into him than he is to her.
Because:
B. He broke it off after a short time in March.
C. Many weeks went by and he didn’t call her again.
D. It was HER that reached out and sent him a card re-establishing contact.
Even though he says she’s nice and is hanging out with her it may be just because she’s convenient. She’s the persuer, and is being WAY to available, and I think she knows that she is more invested than him.
I think there’s a very, very good chance that he will break it off soon.
I feel for Nancy, but I’d slow things WAY down, stop sleeping with him if she is, and see if there is truly any intent for a relationship if that’s what she wants.
Angie 34
Nancy,
I think someone mentioned this, but is this guy on the rebound from his six-year relationship? You say he ended it “easily”, but that may just be your perception or maybe he doesn’t know that well himself because he hasn’t really considered why he does or doesn’t want to date someone.
You shouldn’t be insecure. If you have been in a relationship with this guy for three months, you should be allowed to flat out ask the question “Why did you break up with your ex?”
I could see a scenario where he had to sort out his thoughts and feelings about his past relationship before he was ready to realize you were good for him. What I can’t tell is if you are being your own worst enemy or if your intuition is telling you something that is missing from your email.
Nancy, maybe this guy shouldn’t be dating anyone, not because he is a bad person or bad company. You can still have an amazing physical connection or an amazing mental connection and that doesn’t mean the person is boyfriend material.
Marie 35
Oh, GAWD! It’s so painful that he’s not able to give me the 8 things. It took a lot of strength to end it but it’s taking even more strength not to call him and go back to settling for what little he’s willing to give. It would be so easy, he’d take me back in a second. But he’s not capable (or willing) to give me what I want & deserve. How do you ladies handle that getting over it period?
It’s almost worse than being dumped, because not only do I feel rejected, but I also have to use my willpower not to fall back into the old pattern… if he was through with me it would hurt but at least there’d be nothing I can do about it.
Grrr…. being strong and doing what’s best for the long run sure feels hard in the short term!!! But I know it’s worth it. He doesn’t deserve me if he’s not that into me.
Robin 36
To add to Gem’s post (#33), I would suggest that Nancy’s next steps should probably be:
a) Take a few days away from him and figure out what she needs and what would make her feel the “happiness and peace” she feels with this guy, but on her own (or on her own terms).
b) Acknowledge that there are other wonderful guys out there. So, if this guy isn’t right for you (and I believe that this anxiety is her intuition telling her he is not), then she should let him go, and keep putting herself out there, no matter how difficult it is.
c) I would not call him, period. As Gem noted, Nancy has made all the first moves to date. If he doesn’t reach out to indicate that he wants to continue spend quality time with her, then it will be clear whether he cares or not.
And here’s my two cents to Goldie (28) beware these emotionally unavailable types. I know this is probably elementary, but you should see some red flags if you’re just starting to date someone who is:-
A- going through a major life change – changing careers, recently unemployed or laid off, etc. (who can focus on a relationship when they’re experiencing serious issues?). The rebounders and recently separated fall in this category.
B- a workaholic (can’t build a relationship with someone who will never make you a priority).
C- a serial dater. (for me, relationship ADD – especially for someone who’s 30+ is a serious red flag. If you’re dating someone who’s never had a serious relationship or a relationship longer than a few months, then its probably not going to happen with you.)
D- exhibits any combination of the following behaviors:-
- is only available for dates/time together at his/her convenience
- doesn’t hang with you during weekends/weekend nights (or whenever (s/)he has free time
- doesn’t initiate contact or return calls(or texts or emails, whatever) in a timely way
- uses texts a lot, but spends little time calling/talking face-to-face
Kate 37
Evan, I have two questions about “8 things your boyfriend must do to be your boyfriend.” When you say making plans for the future, do you mean going to a concert next month or something really heavy like getting married? And how long do you give your boyfriend to get to #8, saying “I love you” ?? That takes a bit of time but how long is too long to wait?
Melody 38
Geesh! This is speaking to me tonight as well. I just ended it with a guy who I’d been seeing for almost 3 mos. Our schedules (kids, work) only allowed us to hang out 1-3 times a week. I was totally enamored with him – he was witty, attractive, and successful. But, as soon as I was away from him it was all anxiety. Untimely texting. Inconsistent phone communication. Not much reassurance about being “into me.” But if I’m honest, I often have anxiety in this gray zone of “I’ve sunk time into this guy and like him but don’t know where we stand” so I always second guess whether or not the anxiety is a “him” problem or a “me” problem.
So, I pushed my anxiety to a conversation in which he basically shared that he wasn’t feeling an emotional connection/attachment. But yet he still wanted to see me because he thought we hadn’t spent enough time together. He did share that he felt immediately emotional about a girl who was all wrong for him. Ultimately, I decided to act on the “I don’t feel safe” gut emotion and I pulled the plug.
But, given that I had a strong attaction to him, it’s a bit like cutting off the toe to save the foot. And, a week later I am still unclear if a) I pushed him to define his feelings too quicklky; or b) I did the right thing in pulling the plug on an emotionally available man who “wasn’t that into me.”
I see this same tension in the messages from the blog. Evan, you often compliment your wife’s willingness to let you lead and not push where things were going, but then you also say that if things aren’t going somewhere after a period of time, the girl should pull the cord. Those two things seem opposed to me – perhaps your wife was able to follow the lead because you were offering her the safety that these unemotional men are not able to offer a woman? Maybe the message is to let him lead, but to bail if he’s not leading to the right spot?
Evan Marc Katz 39
@Kate: As far as the future goes: yes and yes. A guy who makes plans to bring you to his family’s house for Thanksgiving is a guy who is on the right track. A guy who mentions that he wants to be married one day or starts batting around baby names is a decent bet.
As far as WHEN all of this (including “I love you”) takes place?
People go at different paces, but we’re trying to use best practices here: He should be your exclusive boyfriend in 2 months or so. He should say he loves you by 6 months or so. He should make both kinds of future plans for the next 2 years. He should propose after around 2-3 years if you’re under 40 and never married and maybe a little faster if you’re older. But not much faster: since “chemistry” wears off in 18-24 months, it makes more sense to see what your future looks like AFTER the initial thrill is gone. Those who dive into marriage without fully knowing someone often pay a very steep price.
Evan Marc Katz 40
@Goldie #28
You NAILED it. Congratulations, now you can be a dating coach!
morgan 41
Goldie, I’m jumping on the bandwagon here - your comments are sooooo spot on I love ‘em.
EMK has a posse of very savvy, articulate commenters who add unique value to this blog. You’re one of them. Please keep commenting.
m
x
Kate 42
Evan, thank you SO much for answering!
Goldie 43
Awww… you mean all the years of hanging around guys, being friends with guys, and being a mother to two guys have finally paid off? Thanks!
Anne 44
Yes thanks to EMK & Goldie for commenting on my post! I think there are so many women who are curious about emotionally unavailable men! THIS BLOG TAKE OUT SOME OF THE GUESS WORK
Bettina 45
Q1: How can you tell the difference between an “emotionally unavailable guy” and a guy who just isn’t “into” you?
Q2: Aren’t we all “emotionally unavailable” to certain people, at certain times, in certain situations?
Q3: Are so-called “successful” relationships always built on emotional availability?
Summation: I’m not even sure that I know what “emotional availability” means in this context. I know lots of lunkheads in LTRs. I know lots of warm, insightful people who aren’t, and for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with emotional retardation.
Thus, I wouldn’t say that “emotional availability” or “emotional intelligence” or “emotional” anything is a necessary correlate of getting married or staying in a relationship.
I think people like to accuse the guy of having an emotional problem simply because he doesn’t want a specific relationship with a specific person at a specific time in a specific way. Takes the sting out of the rejection. It’s a normal reaction, I suppose.
Evan Marc Katz 46
@Bettina – That’s a very good observation about women reacting to men who don’t want them and labeling them “players”. I’ve had it leveled at me, when I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be in love and be married. However, I disagree with your other assertion.
I think successful relationships ARE built on emotional availability and just because there are tons of unhappy, emotionally unavailable people in relationships doesn’t mean this is something one should strive for.
GOOD relationships are built on kindness and empathy for your partners’ feelings. Anything less, it seems to me, may be a relationship but not a GOOD one.
themodernfemme 47
Just from my personal experience, I have realized that whatever I fear the most actually happens. It is really quite simple if you think about it, if you are fearing something, you are obviously thinking about it a lot. Which means you attracted it into your life
Marie 48
six months to say he loves me?! Really? I don’t think I’d want a “boyfriend” who doesn’t tell me he loves me (which means he’d need to tell me within 2 months if we’re to stick to the timeline of being my boyfriend at 6-8 weeks into the relationship).
And two years to propose? One of the reasons I broke up with this guy the other day is because he said he’d need to live with me for a year before he’d be willing to propose. I feel like I don’t want to live with another man until I am engaged. Is that unfair? I’m happy to live together before we’re married, but not until we’re engaged.
Mind you, if he was doing all the other things and I felt secure in the relationship because he was calling and texting daily and doing little things to make me smile and actually making an EFFORT, I’d probably be more open to just allowing things to unfold naturally and not worrying as much about timelines. But some dating experts say 6 months to a year for proposals and marriage. I’d like to be engaged at 6 months, and have a 1-2 year engagement. Is that asking too much from a man?
Evan Marc Katz 49
Thanks, Marie. Those dating experts are wrong. They’re most likely women who are telling you what you want to hear, instead of basing it on what men themselves actually want.
And honestly, you think you know someone well enough after six months to decide if you want to spend the next FORTY years together? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
And if you doubt me, let’s think of what percentage of couples break up between six months and three years of dating. If it were you, Marie, you wouldn’t be breaking up: you’d be getting DIVORCED.
Gem 50
I think 6 months to be engaged is way to soon. Sure, people have gotten engaged/married within 6 months and succeeded, but generally speaking, I don’t want to be engaged until I know someone for at least a year - year 1/2.
Also, Marie, if you have a specific timeline for getting married, I’d say living together will usually throw a wrench in your plans. Living together usually slows down the process of getting down the aisle, it doesn’t speed it up.
If a person is sure their goal is marriage, imo, they should avoid living together beforehand altogether.
Lily 51
I feel really stupid to have stayed with my boyfriend for 7 YEARS hoping he would FINALLY propose to me. I THOUGHT we had a really great relationship, very passionate and compatible, our children got along, we enjoyed each other’s family, we had so many interests in common. I THOUGHT he was THE ONE. However, he did break up with me after 4 years, then we got back together, and were looking for a home together, when he announced without discussion he was happy living alone but we were life partners. THEN he broke up with me suddenly after another year, announcing “from here on in lets just be friends”, blindsiding me completely. He started dating a women a week later. Do you think he had already lined this woman up before breaking up with me?? IS that why he did this, or is it that he turned 60 and was going thru a midlife crisis and wanted a woman 12 years younger than him? After reading Evan’s book, Why He Disappeared, I get that of Course I should have kicked his sorry ass to the curb after the first break up. Waiting more than 2 years for a committment is a recipe for disaster. I will never do this again. I lost myself in a relationship with a man who called all the shots, made all the relationship decisions, and it has taken 7 years of devotion to a man who gave me butterflies in my stomach and with whom I thought I had an amazing relationship. My previous marriage had been to a man who was manic depressive and verbally abusive. I ended that, thought I was NOT co-dependent, but must have been to have tolerated 7 years with no solid committment!
Laura 52
I think Nancy’s source of anxiety and insecurity is not so much the man is emotionally unavailable to her, but he’s a recycle who’s already dumped her once. She already has a negative history with him.
I raised 3 daughters. They were not allowed to date boys they had previously broken up with, even if they really liked the boy. The reasons I gave was they would be yo-yos, their lives would be soap operas and their friends would get sick of listening to it. My girls are grateful for the boundaries I set.
I had to relearn this lesson myself when my oldest daughters’ dad and I considered a reconciliation after my last divorce. We’ve always loved each other, he was my best friend and will always be my friend. As a mate though, no thank you. I won’t get past the fact he ditched us in Montana while he screwed multiple women across 5 western states after our baby died of SIDS.
I am the queen of emotionally unavailable men. Mine are the adventurers, the Tom Sawyers and Huck Finns. I am working on that by making myself more open to men, to being emotionally available to THEM. I have great memories of high adventures into wilderness, I want to keep them memories and no wish to relive any of it!
I’m not comfortable with a declaration of love within 2 months. We don’t know each other, that love is for an idea, not for me. I’ve been seeing my current man for 8 months. Both he and I had to cowboy through some tough life changing events last winter and our emotions are just now stabilizing. We are crazy about each other, we have trust and friendship. We are not sleeping together. He does not know where the relationship is going if anywhere. I’m okay with that considering what we’ve both been through. We are working on communicating and emotional intimacy. He is not seeing anyone else, he is busting his butt rebuilding his house. I continue to meet other men and have an active social life away from him. I am not sleeping with anyone and he trusts me with that. (small town) I am happy to not be smothered.
Goldie 53
@ Bettina: I’ve been in those guys’ shoes a number of times myself. Not being into certain people is one thing, but there have been times in my life when I didn’t have it in me to commit to anyone or anything. You meet a great guy, you’re interested, he’s interested, you go on dating, you’re a couple, he’s madly into you. As soon as you realize it, you get this sinking feeling in your stomach – this is it, I’m locked in, that’s all it’s going to be. (And yeah I had that feeling with my ex too; I forced myself to ignore it and we continued to live happily ever after till our divorce 20-some years later.)
I’m guessing I felt like that with every guy I met because, at that time, I wasn’t ready for anything serious.
In fact, right now, I might be going through the same thing. In theory, I’d love to be in a committed LTR with a close friend; I know from experience that I will be loyal and committed and will make sure that my partner has a good time. But, right now, after two bad breakups this year and a divorce last year, I’ve come to a realization that I am probably not ready for that just yet. So I’ve been telling everyone that for now I’m just taking it easy, meeting new people, and living life one day at a time… guess it makes me a player, but at least I’m an honest player… I hope
Bettina 54
EMK@46: Agreed. Reminds me of a truck driving around Manhattan that reads “Eat Fish, Live Longer.” How about “Eat Fish, Live Better”?
But this reveals the problem I have with laying out relationship “goals.” A guy can do all of those things you say he should be doing and it could still be a bad fit, a non-starter, or even an abusive relationship. So maybe some refinement in the message. Like a postscript: “All this said, GOOD relationships are built on kindness and empathy for your partners’ feelings.”
Though I’d make it “partner’s” feelings since this seems to be site about hetero 1:1 couples. (the grammarian in me ouldn’t resist!)
Bettina 55
The grammarian also couldn’t type!!! Add a “c” to that “ouldn’t”!
Ruby 56
I’ve known of a few people who got back together with someone they had broken up with, and then they married them, and are happily married. In all the cases I can think of, though, quite some time had elapsed between the first break-up and the two getting back together. It wasn’t a back-and-forth situation. In the meantime, they stayed friends.
The book He’s Just Not That Into You implies that men are almost never emotionally unavailable; they are either into you or they’re not. I do think that there are times in when one isn’t ready for a relationship, though. Perhaps unconsciously, during those times do we tend to choose a person we might not normally choose?
As they say, “timing is everything”.
Demi 57
@Amy 4
)
“but what if all your needs ARE getting met and still you are insecure? My current boyfriend of almost 8 months is great to me, kind, reassuring, present and I still can’t dismiss the thought he’s going to leave me. I know this is MY issue, not his”
Amy I really feel you on this, and was hoping others would respond because I do the exact same kind of “mental sabotage”. In my case I can blame it on my OCD (anxiety/obsessive intrusive thoughts that aren’t a reflection of reality, just paranoia of “what if”). However I imagine that there are tons of women out there without OCD, who are doing the same thing to themselves and wondering what’s up with “their gut”. When I read things like “listen to how you feel” I sometimes start second guessing myself. Even when all signs point to green light, and the guy is following Evan’s “8 Rules”! It’s very disconcerting.
My only solution here is “know thyself.” As corny as it may sound, I’m looking into a book about “Calling in the One” (can’t remember the author’s name), which is about removing mental and emotional blockages to love. If you see he is giving you what you need (like my bf is for me – thank you to Evan’s advice!), but you still feel unstable…then it’s time to investigate why, and it may not have anything at all to do with your boyfriend who is, in your own words: great to you, kind, reassuring and present.
Sometimes I think we forget to turn to ourselves in examining our love lives. What are our preconceived ideas about love? What ‘stuff” are we holding onto that we may not realize we’re holding onto?
Evan actually discussed this very thing in his interview with Allana Pratt in more detail, and he’s mentioned it in his blog before: for a long time he was trying to date ‘himself’, maybe without consciously doing it. He could have missed his wife if he’d gotten too paranoid! His “energy/mental somersaults” could have “blocked” her!
(Forgive me if I’m putting any words in your mouth Evan! That’s what I got from listening
Long post, yes. This blog spoke to me, thank you for all the wonderful comments- great insights.
Demi 58
two things (I’m on a roll!)
@Sherell 32
“Initially it is about going out and having fun and learning about a person. I think many women get their feeling involved too soon.”
Agreed! Great comment.
@Nancy: It seems to me that there’s some disconnect in where you and this man are in the whole dating process. You mention that the relationship “technically started in June”, yet the sense I get is that for you it really started back in March.
On his side, he may just be thinking it’s the same as before…that being “fun dating”, rather than “serious relationship.”
I’d advise taking this SLOWLY Nancy, no sleeping with him! He knows you’re interested, so let him plan some dates (in public, no nighttime bedroom movie canoodling) for the both of you and see what happens.
Meanwhile, do some activity you love, on your own or with friends. Remember that YOU are the ONLY PERSON who can truly take care of and nurture YOU. A man can add to that, love you and care for you and make you feel all warm and squishy inside and maybe fix your sink or make you a website or cook you a cannoli, but he cannot be responsible for your happiness and inner peace. That is too much for anyone.
So what do you love in life? What makes you happy?
nathan 59
Ruby #56, I don’t know about other men, but there have definitely bee times following the end of a relationship that I was pretty much emotionally unavailable. The way I see it, anyone who hasn’t done a significant amount of processing and moving on from past relationships tends to be fairly unavailable.
Laura #52 – I agree with the point about the “recycled” feeling. I have been in this position myself, and found that it was difficult to forget that the person had already dumped me once. And that was after a few years apart. Which is why the few months apart Nancy speaks about in her situation seems like it could easily be a source of valid concern. Because what majorly changed in a few months? Maybe something shifted internally for this guy, but it seems fairly possible that he’s just enjoying her company for the short term, until someone “better” comes along.
Bettina 60
The assumption in this “emotionally unavailable” discussion is that the female in the equation always IS emotionally available. I’d quibble with that. I know lots of women who are something of an emotional mess. Which means “emotionally unable to relate” in my book. I wouldn’t wish them on any guy. (Well, any guy whose friendship I want to keep…)
Most people do seem to find somebody, though (high rate of marriage). And the majority of people seem to be or become unhappy with their pick (high rate of divorce/of miserable married people).
Ruby 61
Bettina #60
Unfortunately, I think there’s a lot of truth to this. Even if half of all marriages end in divorce, we’ve got to assume that there is a percentage (although it may be small) of people who stay married, but are unhappy. On the other hand, if a couple stays married for 25 years, has a couple of great kids, and ends up divorced, does that mean the marriage was a mistake?
Of course, women can be emotionally unavailable too. But women seem to do a better job of processing their feelings then men do, and tend to have more awareness of the fact that they aren’t ready. I see separated or just-divorced men rushing into new relationships all the time, without actually processing their grief, while women seem more likely to seek therapy and spend time talking to friends.
michele 62
Hi Nancy,
We’ve all been in your shoes at one time or another. I suspect that you may have a decent guy, but your insecurities about losing him create a potentially self-fulfilling prophecy.
A wise woman once told me to MYOB when it comes to other people, especially when we feel this attached. If you are busy minding somebody elses business, then who is minding yours? In other words, if you are spending all of your alone time obsessing about your man and immersing yourself in your worries about losing him, who is taking care of you?
I’d like to suggest the following; Remember that YOU are a person of value who has a lot to offer. Fill your free time with positive endeavors and people; friends and family who love you, gardening, exercising, a nice country drive, a long walk, anything that nurtures your soul. Make plans for yourself instead of waiting to see if he is going to call you to get together. There is nothing wrong with saying that you already have plans for the evening but are free at another time. It will appeal to him that you have a life outside of him, and you will feel so much better about yourself for creating this fulfilling life.
Above all, remember this, YOU will be okay…no matter what happens. Even if you lose him. Be strong, love yourself.
deme 63
Does he have to do ALL 8 things when your just starting to date? How long till he MUST do all 8 things till you walk away? Thanks, I LOVE your work!
Moe D 64
Sex.
The easier women make it, the more we’ll take it. Why sign a long-term vagina contract now in the age of the free-dealing, free agent female? Toss in online dating and it’s ridiculously easy for a lazy player to keep his bed warm, faces rotating, and never actually have to grow up emotionally.
Blame Western society.
Blame empowered women.
Blame yourself.
But don’t blame the MEN for doing what they’ve done for thousands of eons before. Procreate whenever, wherever, and with whomever they ACCESS to, with the least amount of effort.
Before it was a caveman clubbing you over the head and taking it. Then we evolved to courtship and marriage. Now he just sends you a 160-character text message — and you’re over there hot & fresh faster than Domino’s Pizza.
Simple solution: no sex before verbal commitment. I know everyone’s doing it. I know he can “get it elsewhere”. Let him. Value your vagina, because he won’t. When you do, he will too.
Be the exception, live an exceptional life.
*If this doesn’t apply to you, wonderful. It does apply to many women these days– and the market’s flooded. Sorry.
Bunny Olesen 65
Funny how the one time I got a man on the hook, was the time I didn’t want a boyfriend (and already had one – hey give me a break, this was like 27 years ago). I ran into an old friend of mine, very cute, sweet and cool. We ended up spending the night and got up, had a nice breakfast & watched cartoons. Very fun, very laid back. Every once in awhile I would run into him, and we’d hook up and have a lot of fun. Maybe I’d call him or he’d call me, infrequently. In between I didn’t really think about him.
So then he called, and he was a little out of breath. I said ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ he then told me he had been out of town for a week, and had just returned (and I mean like apparently minutes before, he was still out of breath from unpacking the car) and I thought ‘that’s weird, why would he call ME immediately upon getting back from out of town?’ followed by OH NO !! He is thinking of more than there is.
A man who was my boyfriend, and who had me waiting by the phone, etc., and would barely ever see me except on weekends, turned his act around when he tried to call me and I wasn’t sitting at home (like he expected, I guess). He had dropped me off at home, but when I called later to tell him something, he wasn’t there. So I thought, you know, forget this…I’m not doing this anymore. And I went out. He totally freaked out. I said ‘OH did you think I was just sitting around waiting for you’ (which I had been, but, you know) After that he wanted to see me almost every night LMAO !!
Took me a long time to realize, almost the less interested you seem, or the more you have going on in your life, the more interested they become. Plus if they disappear, you don’t care as much.
me 66
He’s a gemini, isn’t he?