Comments on: I’m in my 30′s and I Don’t Want to Waste Time With the Wrong Men. How Soon Should I Find Out If He’s Serious About Marriage and Kids? http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/ Thu, 09 Feb 2012 06:12:59 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: John http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-250283 John Sun, 22 Jan 2012 01:25:55 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-250283 @Ray # 213   So, you see this as men interviewing for a job? Well, you just gave a perfect example of why men are turned off by such approaches-you clearly are more interested in filling the <em>position</em> than in finding a <em>partner</em>.   I searched for years to find a great woman, but I always knew that to find her required patience and acceptance (acceptance of where she was in her own life), because doing otherwise (setting an agenda) creates an an unnatural pressure that makes people on both sides skittish. I met many women who stated very clearly up front they were looking for marriage...for all of those I walked away quickly. "Marriage" was more important to them than finding the <em>right man</em>, and I didn't want to be just a checkbox on her score sheet.   I wasn't "afraid" of the "M" word (as you so condescendingly put it), but rather understand that having the correct goal is crucial. When marriage is the primary target, picking the right partner is automatically secondary.       @Ray # 213
 
So, you see this as men interviewing for a job? Well, you just gave a perfect example of why men are turned off by such approaches-you clearly are more interested in filling the position than in finding a partner.
 
I searched for years to find a great woman, but I always knew that to find her required patience and acceptance (acceptance of where she was in her own life), because doing otherwise (setting an agenda) creates an an unnatural pressure that makes people on both sides skittish.
I met many women who stated very clearly up front they were looking for marriage…for all of those I walked away quickly. “Marriage” was more important to them than finding the right man, and I didn’t want to be just a checkbox on her score sheet.
 
I wasn’t “afraid” of the “M” word (as you so condescendingly put it), but rather understand that having the correct goal is crucial. When marriage is the primary target, picking the right partner is automatically secondary.
 
 
 

]]> By: Ray http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-235581 Ray Sat, 31 Dec 2011 22:02:40 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-235581 It's not that complicated... When interviewing for a job, lots of employers ask what your 5 year plan is and where you see your future with the company.  This is no different.  I find it ridiculous that men think that just because a woman is seeking marriage that she will just glom onto any man who happens to stroll by.  If he's worried about producing a family prematurely, he can wear a condom. Every time. Simple. I'm rather tired of the lame excuses given here for men's immaturity and lack of responsibility.  Playing along and giving a guy sex and your time for however long is the game alot of men play.  Tell 'em to stick it... to some other woman who is more stupid than you.       Men who are afraid of the 'M' word and women who have that as a relationship goals should be ditched ASAP.  There ARE men who are commitment minded and are actively seeking similar.  Don't waste your time with the indecisive.          It’s not that complicated…

When interviewing for a job, lots of employers ask what your 5 year plan is and where you see your future with the company.  This is no different.  I find it ridiculous that men think that just because a woman is seeking marriage that she will just glom onto any man who happens to stroll by. 

If he’s worried about producing a family prematurely, he can wear a condom. Every time. Simple.

I’m rather tired of the lame excuses given here for men’s immaturity and lack of responsibility.  Playing along and giving a guy sex and your time for however long is the game alot of men play.  Tell ‘em to stick it… to some other woman who is more stupid than you.      

Men who are afraid of the ‘M’ word and women who have that as a relationship goals should be ditched ASAP.  There ARE men who are commitment minded and are actively seeking similar.  Don’t waste your time with the indecisive.

        

]]> By: SS http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-220601 SS Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:36:13 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-220601 Loriane @208 <em>On the other hand as a woman in my early 30s  I have ZERO interest in men in their late 30s,</em> <em></em> And you're probably missing out on the men who are most likely to want to marry you and have kids then.<em> </em>   I was 31 when I met my husband. He was the super-ancient age of 37. We married about two years after meeting and now are trying to have kids... but I guess that mere six year age difference would be too much for some folks to handle. Shrug. <em></em> Loriane @208
On the other hand as a woman in my early 30s  I have ZERO interest in men in their late 30s,


And you’re probably missing out on the men who are most likely to want to marry you and have kids then.

 
I was 31 when I met my husband. He was the super-ancient age of 37. We married about two years after meeting and now are trying to have kids… but I guess that mere six year age difference would be too much for some folks to handle. Shrug.

]]> By: Michael http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-220525 Michael Thu, 15 Dec 2011 20:34:45 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-220525 In my opinion, ask during the first date. I take women out for cofee/drink(s) on the first date--cheap, and local. All I want to know is, Is this woman worth another date? I just want to know if there's any potential for chemistry. Usually, during this first date, a woman will ask me what I'm looking for. I'll flat out tell them that I'm looking for the love of my life. No sense in wasting each other's time and (my) money. Ask the important stuff as soon as possible. In my opinion, ask during the first date.

I take women out for cofee/drink(s) on the first date–cheap, and local. All I want to know is, Is this woman worth another date? I just want to know if there’s any potential for chemistry.

Usually, during this first date, a woman will ask me what I’m looking for. I’ll flat out tell them that I’m looking for the love of my life.

No sense in wasting each other’s time and (my) money.

Ask the important stuff as soon as possible.

]]> By: Anonymous http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-201723 Anonymous Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:51:31 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-201723 In the book "Why men marry bitches", the author says that the less you talk about commitment, the more you get. I find this to be true, as a woman.  My girlfriends will say that you should announce that you want a serious relationship, which I think produces the opposite of what you want.  The simple fact is that men don't like to be pushed into an agenda.  When you say you're looking for marriage or a serious relationship ASAP, the man will think you are just looking for someone to fill in the position.    He wants you to like him for HIM and he wants to be a part of the decision. The man who was the most crazy about me and wanted to marry me was the man that I didn't mention anything to.  I kept things relaxed and elusive.  That way commitment and the future was his idea.   When I did announce that I wanted a serious relationship when dating a guy, guess what?  The man would try to manipulate me into a booty call. You would think that the players and the users would be turned off at a woman wanting marriage, but they enjoy using that agenda to prey on a weakness.  They will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want.   In the book “Why men marry bitches”, the author says that the less you talk about commitment, the more you get.

I find this to be true, as a woman.  My girlfriends will say that you should announce that you want a serious relationship, which I think produces the opposite of what you want.  The simple fact is that men don’t like to be pushed into an agenda.  When you say you’re looking for marriage or a serious relationship ASAP, the man will think you are just looking for someone to fill in the position.    He wants you to like him for HIM and he wants to be a part of the decision.

The man who was the most crazy about me and wanted to marry me was the man that I didn’t mention anything to.  I kept things relaxed and elusive.  That way commitment and the future was his idea.  

When I did announce that I wanted a serious relationship when dating a guy, guess what?  The man would try to manipulate me into a booty call. You would think that the players and the users would be turned off at a woman wanting marriage, but they enjoy using that agenda to prey on a weakness.  They will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want.  

]]> By: KalipsoRed http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-193483 KalipsoRed Thu, 27 Oct 2011 02:41:12 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-193483 I feel a great deal of similarity with SK. I'm 30 and have wanted a serious relationship leading to family for a while now. I've dated, long-term, some very wonderful, loving men. Yet, either they tell me after 6 months that they don't want kids or that they don't want to be married. I'm tired of putting myself out there over and over and over again while putting the time and effort into becoming intimate with someone just to have to break up with the guy. Even after 6 months or a year of dating with these good men I had to drag the answer of their desires out of them. They didn't want to break up with me and I didn't want to break up with them, but we weren't going in the same direction and there is no sense in staying with someone for years on end just having a good time if it doesn't help me achieve my desires in life. If they would have given in to me they would have lost their free life style and I don't wish to be with a man just to make my self happy. I want someone who wants to be my partner in life and help me achieve my goals.  This is a common theme in 'good relationships'. Partners helping each other reach their goals...but for it to work out the two people generally have to have same goals on the high priority items in their lives. Thus, I don't feel like asking a man earlier in the dating period if he truely desires children and family in his near future to be desparate. SK doesn't want to "use" the man just to get pregnant. She desires a family life that involves children. Yep, she can go have kids on her own...an idea that I always have in the back of my mind as well, but she wants a man that wants to have children WITH her. That is her priority goal in life. It is a vaild point of common or uncommon interest in a potiental relationship. I would say that any man that can't give you a strait answer about if he wants children and family life in the next 2-5 years is not worth wasting your time on. I think it is important that you specifiy when you breach this topic that you are not trying to corner him or have any expectation that this future life will be with you, you just want to know if he has thought about it and what his desires are on the subject. I feel a great deal of similarity with SK. I’m 30 and have wanted a serious relationship leading to family for a while now. I’ve dated, long-term, some very wonderful, loving men. Yet, either they tell me after 6 months that they don’t want kids or that they don’t want to be married. I’m tired of putting myself out there over and over and over again while putting the time and effort into becoming intimate with someone just to have to break up with the guy. Even after 6 months or a year of dating with these good men I had to drag the answer of their desires out of them. They didn’t want to break up with me and I didn’t want to break up with them, but we weren’t going in the same direction and there is no sense in staying with someone for years on end just having a good time if it doesn’t help me achieve my desires in life. If they would have given in to me they would have lost their free life style and I don’t wish to be with a man just to make my self happy. I want someone who wants to be my partner in life and help me achieve my goals. 
This is a common theme in ‘good relationships’. Partners helping each other reach their goals…but for it to work out the two people generally have to have same goals on the high priority items in their lives. Thus, I don’t feel like asking a man earlier in the dating period if he truely desires children and family in his near future to be desparate. SK doesn’t want to “use” the man just to get pregnant. She desires a family life that involves children. Yep, she can go have kids on her own…an idea that I always have in the back of my mind as well, but she wants a man that wants to have children WITH her. That is her priority goal in life. It is a vaild point of common or uncommon interest in a potiental relationship. I would say that any man that can’t give you a strait answer about if he wants children and family life in the next 2-5 years is not worth wasting your time on. I think it is important that you specifiy when you breach this topic that you are not trying to corner him or have any expectation that this future life will be with you, you just want to know if he has thought about it and what his desires are on the subject.

]]> By: Lorianne http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-177341 Lorianne Sat, 03 Sep 2011 02:10:03 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-177341 Um, the point that the men on this site who talk about a so-called "double standard" and age are missing is that the women who complain that men refuse to date them because they are supposedly "too old" are talking about men who are (and this is important) THEIR OWN AGE. On the other hand as a woman in my early 30s  I have ZERO interest in men in their late 30s, let alone their 40s or God forbid, their 50s.  They are TOO OLD for me.   See the difference?   Um, the point that the men on this site who talk about a so-called “double standard” and age are missing is that the women who complain that men refuse to date them because they are supposedly “too old” are talking about men who are (and this is important) THEIR OWN AGE. On the other hand as a woman in my early 30s  I have ZERO interest in men in their late 30s, let alone their 40s or God forbid, their 50s.  They are TOO OLD for me.
 
See the difference?
 

]]> By: chiefnavarro http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-172608 chiefnavarro Sat, 20 Aug 2011 09:59:44 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-172608 i want kids and i will find it very hard to ever date a women over 25 for the simple fact that i want a nice long relationship with a solid foundation before doing something as life changing as having kids i want kids and i will find it very hard to ever date a women over 25 for the simple fact that i want a nice long relationship with a solid foundation before doing something as life changing as having kids

]]> By: Xable http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-159737 Xable Sat, 11 Jun 2011 16:09:06 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-159737 Okay, I just had to comment because this is an issue dear to my heart.  First and foremost, you need to realize that when I ask a guy if he is interested in marriage and children and I am <em>not </em>asking him if he is interested in marriage and children *with me*. I simply want to know if that is something he wants and is interested in.  I know many guys don't want to get married (or married again).  I also know many guys don't want children (or anymore children).  If either of those are the case, then I don't need to spend 6, 3, or even 1 month with him to know he is *not* the right one for me. If he is on the fence, I'm also pretty sure he is not the right one for me.  Once you reach your 30's, you should know whether this is something that appeals to you or not, regardless of if you are a male or female.  I actually would like a man who is as interested and excited about marriage and starting a family as I am. Or, maybe it is something that he would consider, but not right now.  Maybe it is something that he sees happening way in the future.  This is another case of probably not right for me because, factually, I can't wait 10 years to start a family because by that time, I'll be physically unable to. As others have have pointed out, if marriage and children are something a guy wants, usually a woman mentioning such things is not going to spook him.  If it does, that is a good sign that he is not ready and/or interested in such things. I don't think is has to come down to pressuring a guy or asking if he wants to marry me or have kids with me.  It is simply about finding what his own personal relationship desires and goals are at the moment.  Could they change in the future?  Sure, but with so many guys out there, why in the world would I hedge my bets on a guy who is not on the same wave length as me right now - in the present? I also find it rather illogical to be concerned that a woman who is interested in marriage and a family is only looking for a man to be a baby maker.  If a woman doesn't have any children of her own by her 30's, it is a pretty safe bet that she is looking for the whole package: love, a great man, marriage, and then children.  If she just wanted children, there are a million easier ways to get children than to date around to find a man to marry.  And, if she is only looking for a man to marry for children, most likely she could have been married many times over prior to this point in her life.  That simply fact that she hasn't, should reassure you that she wants to do it *right*.  So, men, chill out a little. =) I think 3 months is more than enough time to determine if a guy is on the same wave length with you about marriage and children.  6 months is more than enough time to determine if he is interested in those things with you.  And 1 year is more than enough time to start discussing it seriously.  If he hasn't place a ring on my finger and set a date by the 2 year mark, I'm walking because I simply, physically, don't have enough time left to allow him to get his stuff together and make a decision.  I also, personally, feel that if a man (or a women) isn't certain about a person at the 2 year mark, then that person probably isn't the right one for you.     Okay, I just had to comment because this is an issue dear to my heart.  First and foremost, you need to realize that when I ask a guy if he is interested in marriage and children and I am not asking him if he is interested in marriage and children *with me*.
I simply want to know if that is something he wants and is interested in.  I know many guys don’t want to get married (or married again).  I also know many guys don’t want children (or anymore children).  If either of those are the case, then I don’t need to spend 6, 3, or even 1 month with him to know he is *not* the right one for me.
If he is on the fence, I’m also pretty sure he is not the right one for me.  Once you reach your 30′s, you should know whether this is something that appeals to you or not, regardless of if you are a male or female.  I actually would like a man who is as interested and excited about marriage and starting a family as I am.
Or, maybe it is something that he would consider, but not right now.  Maybe it is something that he sees happening way in the future.  This is another case of probably not right for me because, factually, I can’t wait 10 years to start a family because by that time, I’ll be physically unable to.
As others have have pointed out, if marriage and children are something a guy wants, usually a woman mentioning such things is not going to spook him.  If it does, that is a good sign that he is not ready and/or interested in such things.
I don’t think is has to come down to pressuring a guy or asking if he wants to marry me or have kids with me.  It is simply about finding what his own personal relationship desires and goals are at the moment.  Could they change in the future?  Sure, but with so many guys out there, why in the world would I hedge my bets on a guy who is not on the same wave length as me right now – in the present?
I also find it rather illogical to be concerned that a woman who is interested in marriage and a family is only looking for a man to be a baby maker.  If a woman doesn’t have any children of her own by her 30′s, it is a pretty safe bet that she is looking for the whole package: love, a great man, marriage, and then children.  If she just wanted children, there are a million easier ways to get children than to date around to find a man to marry.  And, if she is only looking for a man to marry for children, most likely she could have been married many times over prior to this point in her life.  That simply fact that she hasn’t, should reassure you that she wants to do it *right*.  So, men, chill out a little. =)
I think 3 months is more than enough time to determine if a guy is on the same wave length with you about marriage and children.  6 months is more than enough time to determine if he is interested in those things with you.  And 1 year is more than enough time to start discussing it seriously.  If he hasn’t place a ring on my finger and set a date by the 2 year mark, I’m walking because I simply, physically, don’t have enough time left to allow him to get his stuff together and make a decision.  I also, personally, feel that if a man (or a women) isn’t certain about a person at the 2 year mark, then that person probably isn’t the right one for you.
 
 

]]> By: SS http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/im-in-my-30s-and-i-dont-want-to-waste-time-with-the-wrong-men-how-soon-should-i-find-out-if-hes-serious-about-marriage-and-kids/comment-page-3/#comment-152767 SS Thu, 28 Apr 2011 23:30:53 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1524#comment-152767 Are we seriously asking 35-year-old women if they're "ready" to have kids nowadays???     Are we seriously asking 35-year-old women if they’re “ready” to have kids nowadays???
 
 

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