Okay, Evan, here goes. I find men and they want to get serious right away, i.e. marriage! I have been divorced for 18 years. I was married for 13. I am alone, my daughter is grown. I love doing my own thing, such as watching a race, rather than doing what HE wants to do. I know it is selfish, but yet I keep them hanging on, hate to let go, and then miss them when they do go!
What is wrong with me? Am I afraid to commit? I don’t want to be alone, but yet I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do. I know, I have to give, and I do. But the way I handle this is by just not answering calls. Caller ID was the best thing that ever could have happened to me! I was engaged 3 times and backed out. I did have one serious relationship for 5 years after my divorce and would have married him, but he left me because I was working for a band and going away on weekends. (I did ask him to go also but he worked a lot). It was too much of an experience for me NOT to do it. Now, I find myself pushing them away when they want to be close and wanting them when they do finally start giving up. HELP.
I know a writer who was aimless in his career. He was a hard worker who had a lot going for him, and after years of toiling away in the wrong jobs, was determined to land the right one. A friend hooked him up with a bigwig in the life insurance biz and he decided to give it a shot. A year later, he quit. Took another job in life insurance. Quit. He continues to look for work in sales and yet I see no indication that anything is going to change.
It’s easy to see that this guy should not be selling life insurance. Yet it’s what he knows; it’s what he thinks he wants. It provides security and comfort and structure. The problem is that it’s ill-fitting. He’s trying fit a square peg in a round hole.
So are you.
Based on what little you shared with me, it seems pretty clear that you think you want a relationship, but you don’t actually want one.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. Being single is great – if you want to be single. The problem is that you – and lots of people – spend their lives chasing things they don’t want.
In failing to clarify our goals, we create a cycle of dissatisfaction and resentment. As stated in this blog entry, happiness is when your goals and actions are aligned. And if your goal is to be free to do whatever you want, whenever you want, guess what?
You’re going to be pretty damn miserable as part of a couple.
No matter what you’re creating, it helps to have a plan. … If you want to build a house, you can start hammering, or you can draw up a blueprint. If you want to cook a brilliant meal, you can throw random ingredients into a bowl, or you can follow a recipe.
The fact is, Barb, you don’t know what you want. And if you don’t know what you want, you can’t get what you want.
But it seems to me that if Caller ID is your best friend, and you’ve been engaged three times, and you’ve been pushing people away for 18 years, you know what you want.
You want to be alone. And that’s okay.
Just don’t complain because you refuse to compromise.
Related entry: How Do I Avoid Desperate and Clingy Men?