Comments on: I’m Pregnant and My Husband Is No Longer Interested in Sex With Me.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 05:04:39 +0000

@Sarah – You have your interpretation of events, which absolve the OP of any responsibility.

I have another interpretation of events. I suspect my version is closer to the truth. She doesn’t say, “Now that I’m pregnant, I like to sleep alone”. She says, “I like to sleep alone”. You’re willfully misinterpreting that to make it sound like the husband should be copacetic with this arrangement.

You can quibble with my “epic fail”, but it really doesn’t change my advice. Her husband isn’t feeling close to her because he’s sleeping alone. His excuse is “I’m afraid I’ll hurt the baby”. As a couple, she needs to educate him and puncture a hole in his made-up reason, so that they can communicate as adults about what’s really going on – the sleeping arrangements, her body changing, whatever.

Your “gotcha” email is way more snarky than anything I wrote, and I feel your criticism was far more destructive (insulting me) than constructive (helping the original poster solve her dilemma).

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 00:04:21 +0000

Evan, you’re normally a polite writer in a balanced and honest way, but I gotta say, this response sounded unnecessarily condescending. You start off by saying “she sounds young” and you mean that in a negative way. I don’t know, the only thing about her question that sounded young was the part where she literally said she’s young. She’s a little naiive because she doesn’t realize how common pregnancy-sex issues are. Maybe the masturbation/porn issue made her sound young, but there are plenty of not young women who would respond in the same way.

You shamed her by saying this won’t get better unless she talks with her husband like an adult about their sex problems. I didn’t get the impression that they didn’t talk about it. She said he says it’s because he’s afraid it’ll hurt the baby. I got the impression that she has made it clear to him that she still wants to have sex. Just because now, after they’ve both stated their views, she drops hints and flirts doesn’t mean they didn’t talk about it openly like adults. I see nothing wrong with what she’s doing. She’s trying to spark some desire in him and give him an opportunity, without demanding sex. It seems “adult-like” to me. She’s not pouting. She is upset, but she’s actively trying to fix this in a positive manner.

You kept telling her to “google” as if she’s stupid and has completely wasted your time. I think you could give that same response to most women who write you. There aren’t many issues that haven’t been addressed on the internet. Also, your last piece of “non-snarky” advice from the Mayo Clinic website wasn’t at all relevant to her problem. The Mayo piece addressed women who don’t want sex, are uncomfortable with their bodies, afraid they’ll hurt the baby, are tired, nauseous, physically uncomfortable, have low sex drive, are worried about childbrith. That’s the exact opposite of this woman’s problem. You googled and copy/pasted text which 100% irrelevant… really, don’t try to argue it’s relevant just because it talks about pregnant women and not wanting to have sex. The Mayo article talks about women not wanting sex. This lady’s problem is that her husband doesn’t want sex. VERY different issue. I’d consider that bit of advice an “epic fail”, especially from an advice blogger for women who very sarcastically suggested this women try googling.

I don’t know why this woman’s question got under your skin. I think you zeroed in on “woman kicks husband out of bed” and “women freaks out about porn” without giving them enough consideration. I think it’s silly when women are hurt by their husbands masturbating, but in this situation it’s a little understandable since he’s not supplementing sex, he won’t have sex with her at all right now. She didn’t explain her sleeping situation very well. I’d be surprised if her husband resented her for asking him to sleep on the couch. Most pregnant women change their sleeping arrangement in some way. If she literally can’t fall asleep without space due to advanced pregnancy, do you really think he resents giving her that space? He obviously misses her since he sneaks back in, but I don’t he resents her and her pregnancy quirks which she can’t control.

Maybe you just shouldn’t have answered her. I like your blog, but this is the worst response I’ve seen from you. It was snippy, narrow-minded, and immature (you kinda acknowledged the attitude problem with your “non-snarky” comment)… and you had the nerve to accuse her of not being “adult” enough.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 23:47:27 +0000

I don’t think anyone has mentioned that there’s probably an innate biological component to this man’s lack of interest with his 6+ month pregnant wife. Why would a man have a biological drive to have sex with a woman who’s pregnant? In fact, he may have a very strong drive not to have sex with her because from a biological point of view. It’s not that he doesn’t love her or that she’s unattractive. Pregnant women actually are pretty attractive. People like to look at them. If a husband knows his pregnant wife wants sex and will feel ugly and unloved without it, why on earth wouldn’t he just have sex with her? It’s probably because every bone in his body is telling him “no”.

Yes, there are plenty of stories out there of men who were so turned on by their pregnant wives and couldn’t get enough sex. That’s not the norm, it’s just that people are more likely to share stories like that instead of “my husband won’t touch me”, although there are lots of stories like that too, it’s probably underrepresented.

Yeah, I know she kicked him out of bed. My interpretation was that this is because she’s in her 3rd trimester and is really uncomfortable and for whatever reason, having her own bed to fall asleep in helps. Sleeping is very difficult while pregnant and women do all sorts of things to get comfortable. I think this is what she meant when she said he understands why she doesn’t want to share a bed. She seemed fine with him coming in after she falls asleep, which seems weird, unless you consider that she, as a very pregnant lady, has developed this need to have lots of space to fall asleep.

By: Cat5

Cat5 — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 22:10:21 +0000

I was reading Dan Savage’s column this weekend, and his advice included what is, IMHO, a good answer to my question about what do you do when there are relationships issues surrounding the use of pornography, and I thought I’d share it with y’all:

“Ask your boyfriend to be discreet and limit his porn consumption to an extent where you are unlikely to uncover any evidence of it, as porn upsets you. If your new boyfriend manages to do that for you, SAD, if he’s considerate enough to cover his tracks, you should be considerate enough to turn a blind eye on those rare occasions when you do stumble over evidence that your new boyfriend watches porn – just like your old boyfriend and all your future boyfriends will.”

(Note: SAD is the acronym he used for the letter writer who called herself “Sad and Naive.”)

That seems to me to be a reasonable compromise that takes into consideration both of their feelings on the subject.

By: Laya

Laya — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 18:45:36 +0000

I really respect David T’s philosophy on porn and other abuses 56. It sounds like that is your contribution to making the world a better place.

Those of you interested in the impact porn has on the porn workers, watch “After the Porn”. It’s a documentary interviewing the men and women porn stars. It was depressing and sad. Many of these individuals have no skills, have come from difficult or abusive families and have little other options. They speak of how they were traumatized before entering the porn industry and then re-traumatized by their treatment during. Those that want to leave the industry have a difficult time for various reasons but one of the main one is that their past continues to haunt them. People recognize them, jobs won’t hire them, charities won’t accept their donations and their children don’t want them going to their sporting events (in case they are recognized).

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 05:45:36 +0000

@RH – A man should be sensitive to his wife’s feelings. And a wife should understand that a man who looks at porn on occasion is 100% normal and that she should not feel remotely threatened.

As far as your question about my wife and a Playgirl, I couldn’t tell you how I’d react, but I’d like to think that I’m not a hypocrite. Furthermore, I think it’s pretty well established that more men turn to porn for stimulus than women, so I don’t think the two are equivalent exactly.

By: RH

RH — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 05:09:36 +0000

Hey Evan I just found your site and I really like it.
But I am a bit troubled by this porn thing. Can you at least agree that a man should be sensitive to his woman’s feelings if she’s upset that he’s looking at other girl’s pussies? Personally I tell my boyfriends to keep their porn in the attic while we’re together.
I’m wondering if it would be cool with you if you were to find your girlfriend masturbating to hunky guys in a Playgirl. Maybe guys that were different looking than you, and perhaps with much bigger penises?
I don’t know maybe you honestly wouldn’t mind, it’s just been my experience that men can be incredibly hypocritical.

By: Nadia

Nadia — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 13:22:48 +0000

Karl, I’d gladly choose sex over television. Any ol’ day of the week.

By: SeeClearly

SeeClearly — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 22:09:30 +0000

What an interesting thread. Pretty much everything has been covered, including (most importantly), the OP’s initial question about her H’s sexual reluctance in light of her pregnant state.   So just a few things to add:
1) I have never had a problem with my partners masturbating to porn. Heck, I do it too. And with some partners I have done it with them.   But one long-term partner (now an Ex) really surprised me in a good way, by sharing that he does use porn when we are not together, but he likes to find women who resemble me and have my body type. He said it made him feel more like he was masturbating to images of me, rather than strangers. I don’t even know if it’s true, but I thought it was kind of sweet of him.
2) Like most women of my generation, I go hairless.  I have tried waxing (twice) but found it barbaric and needlessly painful.  So I shave. One recent partner surveyed my shaved state, and casually asked if I had ever waxed or if I would consider doing so. I told him of my experience, and said I’d be happy to do it again if he came along and got his genitals waxed too. That was the last time he mentioned it. LOL (He is now and Ex, too… for unrelated reasons).

By: Mimi

Mimi — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 18:01:33 +0000

Evolutionary perspective on watching porn and masturbation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r26zEuWE1U4