Hi there, I came across your blog seeking advice. I searched the archives and haven’t found my particular situation. I’m going to be 31 in a month, and my biological clock is ticking. Jeez, I really hate writing that, but it’s true. Problem is, I only seem to attract younger guys who don’t want to have children. I tend to hang with a lot of artists and musicians, all in the early stages of their careers. Your articles (and my mother) say that based on my wants, I need to aim for older, more established guys. In the past I’ve never been able to picture myself with this type of man… You might as well ask me to date a martian! Now I think I may be ready for it…but my fear is that we won’t have a connection, and he’ll be condescending, treat me like a kid, or just an ego-boosting piece of ass. Or what if I DO meet a fantastic, fun, family-ready guy, would he even be interested in ME?
I’ve always been a bit of a scrappy tomboy. I hate jewelry, nail polish and high heels. I’m perpetually converse-clad and bed-headed. I haven’t owned a TV in 7 years because TV drives me crazy, and for 6 years (but not currently) I didn’t own a car. I have an insatiable music appetite and was an arty-punk in college–living in San Francisco, getting tattoos and joining a ragtag street bicycle “gang” of mostly guys. I had a boyfriend during most of my 20’s who was in a touring band, and we broke up when it became obvious I wasn’t his priority. Three years ago I left SF for LA as some of my friends grew up and moved to the ‘burbs and others descended into neverneverland. I found a new group of friends in LA and we have blast–karaoke parties, midnight bike rides, ultimate Frisbee and goofy croquet tournaments.
Wow, writing this I must sound like some sort of teenage street urchin, but there IS more to me. I am incredibly responsible, a college graduate and professional, and I haven’t been without a job since I was 15. I work as a graphic designer for a corporation, have a 401k and a rather hefty savings account. I’ve provided for myself independently since college and have lived by myself for the past 6 years. I travel extensively, I volunteer at an animal shelter once a week, and am involved in causes. I’m cultured and well read. I am attractive, incredibly active and fit–my body’s tighter than my 25-year-old sister’s–and I don’t eat junk.
I’m not one of the girls who is desperate for a fantasy-dream-princess wedding, if a wedding at all. I just want to fall in love with a terrific lover and companion who wants to be a partner in raising children. So, how do I get there?
Do I have to completely change how I am? Change my friends? Take up golf?!? I hope the answer is “no” to all of these questions, but I know SOMETHING has to change.
I really appreciate the self-awareness in your email. In the years that I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve discovered that the less self-aware the question, the more powerful the answer – basically because I can tell the reader something she doesn’t already know. In your case, it seems you’ve thought this through considerably, and it’s harder for me to say something illuminating. But I’m sure gonna try.
I’d like you to consider a few clients that I’ve had over the years:
By restricting their tastes to a narrow slice of people, they exclude a vast majority of the eligible dating population.
- A Jewish man who wore dreadlocks and wanted to marry someone Jewish
- A man with a 170 IQ who needed a woman who could discuss his career in physics.
- A woman who had 4 dogs who wanted a man who loved animals as she did.
- A woman who was 50lbs overweight and wanted a traditionally attractive, fit man.
- An Asian man who would only date white women.
- A fiftyish woman who would only date cool, stylish, hip men with great taste in music.
- A wealthy older man who would only date women 20 years younger with no kids who’d be willing to relocate.
- A 57-year-old woman who refused to date any man older than she.
It doesn’t take a dating coach to identify that all of these intelligent, well-meaning, relationship-oriented folks might struggle to find suitable partners.
And it would be no judgment against any of them to suggest that by restricting their tastes to a narrow slice of people, they exclude a vast majority of the eligible dating population.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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