Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me?
Dear Evan,
A little history…I’m 28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home. He is 37, divorced with one teenage kid that he sees every other weekend. Here is my dilemma…. I can’t figure out if I’m attracted to him or the fact that he’s a good guy.
You wait and pray for there to be a good guy left on this earth and finally one comes along and you find him boring or at least not challenging.
What is that? Am I crazy?
He is completely into me. Calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc. We’ve been dating two months. We don’t get too much opportunity to spend alone time so we’ve only slept with each other twice. It was okay, not mind blowing or anything. I’ve had much better, but I’ve had much worse too. He’s relatively attractive but not my usual type or taste.
Am I being picky? Any other woman would think he is a great catch. I think so as well but just…I don’t know why I can’t get into him.
He’s completely fallen for me, thinks I’m strong, independent, beautiful, good mom, etc. wants to make me happy and for me to be his "girlfriend" and I can just tell the L word is coming along any day now. I can just tell and trust me, I’m not wrong on this.
Another bit of history…
So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him. That is – the complete opposite of me. I like my space and I don’t care if I never see you again. Guys come and go but my family, especially my kids, are forever. It’s one of the mottos I live by. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. A guy in my life is "nice to have" but by no means a need. I think I’m a challenge for him, which is fine. But on my side of things it’s too easy.
From experience, happily ever after doesn’t exist. Sure everyone puts their best foot forward when they’re dating but who’s to say he’ll stay like that? Am I just jaded and not giving him a real chance? Or is just the reverse that I’m just not into him? Then the dilemma becomes do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?
Can you give some advice on this? I have no idea what to do.
Thank you.
Diana
Dear Diana,
I can only imagine that thousands of women were reading your post and nodding along at the familiarity of your situation.
It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.
As I see it, you’re asking a few separate questions here. Let’s break them down separately, so hopefully you can find a little clarity – or, more likely, validation, for how you feel.
Question 1: Am I crazy?
No, Diana. You’re not crazy. You may be confounding to men, but you’re definitely not crazy and definitely not wrong….
Continued on next page >>
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15 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
JimmyE 1
A nice guy isn’t hard to find. I know loads of them. I have their numbers. Nice girls aren’t hard to find either. So why is everyone still single?
Loads of us are still single because nice isn’t enough for a long term relationship. For that to work you also need fun, interesting, stuff in common.
I’d never criticise a woman for dumping a ‘nice’ guy. I do however get a bit exacberated at all the women who claim that ‘i just want a nice guy.’ That kind of sentiment doesn’t do justice to yourself or the men who want to date you.
BeenThruTheWars 2
Very interesting letter and questions, Diana. One could play devil’s advocate with oneself all day long (as it appears you are doing).
In my opinion, two months of casual dating isn’t long enough to assess who someone really is, at their core, and whether they would be an appropriate long-term partner. People start relaxing and showing their true colors around the three month mark… then a little more at the six month mark… then a little more after you get engaged… etc. (Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and your Prince Charming will turn out to be a “bad boy” after all!)
All kidding aside… two or three dates should be enough to know “is there a spark here or isn’t there?”
Your dilemma as I interpret it is at least in part, how important are sparks in a long-term relationship? Some say they are crucial; others say the early days of “wall socket sex” and fiery passion eventually simmer down into a more comfortable, intimate, familiar feeling of love where the embers smolder but the room doesn’t catch fire every time you’re both in it.
But if there are no embers on your part to begin with…
On the other hand, great guys who will adore you AND your two young children don’t grow on trees…
On the other hand, as JimmyE points out, the universe is an abundant place with tons of nice guys in it (some even with chutzpah, as Evan points out…)
On the other hand… aacckkk. I totally get it. You can make yourself nuts with all this pretzel brain twisting.
If you’re a reader, I can suggest a terrific book that might put some of what you’re struggling with into perspective. It’s called “The Passion Trap: Where is Your Relationship Going?” by Dean C. Dellis and Cassandra Phillips. It describes the emotional struggles that go along with unequal/unbalanced relationships such as yours, where one person is a lot more invested in the relationship than the other. One person becomes the “one-up” (that would be you, as you can take this or leave it), the other becomes the “one-down” (your suitor, who feels the need to pursue harder and harder to bridge the growing gap he perceives). This creates a push-pull dynamic that can create a lot of turmoil, at the very least. The book offers suggestions for trying to even out the relationship if both parties feel it’s worth the trouble. It helped me understand why some of my relationships have felt like such a struggle, others have felt like a yawn, and why my current one feels just right.
I guess the main question I would be asking myself in your shoes… if I stay with this guy and see what unfolds over a few more months’ time, will I feel like I’m settling? What is the potential cost of missed opportunities? If you could care less whether or not you’re even in a relationship, and you don’t feel like you’re using this fellow or stringing him along, what would be the harm in continuing to see him on a status quo basis… until you know for certain how you feel?
What’s that old saying? When in doubt, do nothing.
Best of luck to you, Diana. I’d be curious to know how things turn out.
mrs. vee 3
Diana -
There’s not much more I can add to the great advice already given except to tell you that whatever you decide to do is ok. There is no right or wrong answer to your predicament.
Having said that, I don’t see this as a case of you “betting on 20″ if you were to dump him. Your man apparently fails to produce the feelings in you that you believe are fundamentally necessary in a romantic relationship. I’d say you’re perhaps holding a 16.
If you’re focusing now so early in the relationship on whether or not he’s right for you, and if he becomes increasingly more cloying and desperate to feel reassured of your affections, then you’re obviously not using the time to enjoy each other’s company. These are supposed to be your salad days. You shouldn’t have to think about this stuff. You should be falling in love. It’s hard to relax and get to know each other when two people are already preoccupied with the power dynamic.
Your fella obviously has the sincere desire to be in a relationship and goes through all the right motions. That’s only the starting point. If after two months of dating and even sex you’re still not sure that you’re attracted to him, then I think it’s fair to him and yourself to throw this one back in the river.
You’re young and sound cool and fun. Perhaps he’ll make some lucky woman happy one of these days. Still, you owe it to yourself to seek the whole package and he deserves a woman who sees him as such.
mrs. vee 4
And after all that, I have just roundly scolded myself for giving advice that, if I’d followed, I wouldn’t be with my husband today. So, to not be a complete hypocrite, let me briefly share with you that I didn’t initially think my better half was my type either. The passion was always there from the very beginning whenever things got physical between us, but, early on, I felt like I could walk all over him if I wanted to. I had major doubts and tried breaking it off with him twice, thinking that it was the fair thing to do for him. Each time I let him go, he took it graciously and nevertheless persisted after me.
Because I thought he was a good guy, I made a genuine effort to stay his friend. Then, one month in and two dumpings later, we planned a night out that
involved our friends. On that outing, I saw how relaxed funny and and confident he was with any person other than me, I realized that I just made him nervous. We continued doing things with people in our social circles, and gradually he totally relaxed around me even when we were on or own. I fell in love with him, and it really was’t just me “letting him in” either. He truly managed to surpass every expectation, and it was head over heels type of love. And I say with a smile on my face that today he’s squarely in the driver’s seat in our relationship. I still feel a lot of heat towards him to this day. So who knows? Perhaps the lesson here is that you may one day see a different side of your man if he’s put in a different situation. Maybe he just needs the opportunity to rise to a challenge in front of you before you see his true stripes. The thing to not to miss here, though, is that the butterflies and crazy-in-love feelings eventually did surface in me. You keep an eye out for them too, dear.
christian parenting 5
christian parenting…
I just came upon this website via the blogging baby website. Interesting post. This could have easily been written by me (with just a change or two). Funny to read another story that is so similar to my own….
Jessie 6
Jessie…
Next time, you may want to elaborate a little more….
Ruby 7
Hey, Evan,
Good advice, but what’s up with the comment, “Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30′s”. After that, what, she’ll be yesterday’s news? As an attractive woman over 40, I’m offended by this. Perhaps we’re not as “marketable” to as many men as we were in our twenties, but it doesn’t mean that it’s all over either. In some ways, I know that I’ve got more to offer a man now, than I did when I was in my twenties. Please be a little more sensitive.
Evan Marc Katz 8
I didn’t say that women in their 40′s are yesterday’s news.
I didn’t say that you don’t have more to offer.
I did say that there are a lot fewer options due to the (perhaps unfair) preferences at men.
It is not being insensitive to point out something factual. There was no judgment on my part. Just an observation about men.
See today’s blog post for more: Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules and My Advice Might Get You Angry.
Aliza 9
Loved this post – it’s me, except I have just one child! And I’ll be 50 on my next birthday!
By now, I’ve come to enjoy any free time I get. Yes, it’s nice to have someone to do things with. But I need my space (ah – how many times has that been said to ME!?) too.
The guy in question lives, literally, next door – in the next apartment building. He is a couple of years older, never married. He’s a sweetie pie, for sure – and adores my 11 year old daughter too. But, and here’s the rub – do I even want a relationship right now? What do I expect to get out of a relationship? A friend? Someone to do things with? Sex? Is it worth “giving up” my “me” time?
Sigh………
Aliza 10
And let me add….I’ve been married three times. Not sure I want to do that again!
JuJu 11
[Excessive] niceness has nothing to do with it, actually. If you were crazy about him, there is nothing you would want more than all this attention. But physically you aren’t particularly attracted, intellectually you aren’t stimulated, the sex is only tepid (and that’s in the very beginning of a relationship when things are usually at their most passionate) – ask yourself, can you see a future with this man?
There you go.
Jenny 12
I married the nice guy, I probly jumped to fast having had two young kids. My kids would ask for a daddy for xmas, I felt pressure at 26 to marry, and felt old for my age having been a mom at 17. I dated alot of mr.wrongs, no job, handsome and they knew it arseholes. I was looking for a nice guy, I found him, then I was attracted to him, now 9 yrs later he let himself go, I just left him for lack of attraction and his constant yelling and complaining and other reasons.. We grew apart, were more friends then lovers. Now the last thing I want is just nice, there has to be a strong physical attraction too. By physical attraction I dont mean drop dead gorgious, you have to find something about him sexy, his smile his eyes, something…Dont marry or settle if you arent 100% in love and lust…I married the first good one that came along and although were friends and he is still a father figure to my girls, I didnt marry my mr. right. You say you can live or without a man, so can we all, but at sometime you have to want to lean on him or you wont every be happy married, you have to give up some of that independence to be a couple. You sound like I did when I married though, I settled, dont do it if your that unsure and doing it because he is so into you, DONT….You have to be happy first before the kids or him. I use to fall for a guy just because he was good with my kids, ohhh he would be a good dad, DONT…Yah that is important to, but you have to sleep with this guys for the rest of your life. I knew when I couldnt say I wanted to be with him FOREVER that he wasnt the man for me, I should be able to say that about someone I am married too…I was happier when he wasnt home then I was with him home, I needed my space and he wanted to be together 24/7. He took offense to the fact that I always liked my space and figured I didnt want to be with him, no I like my alone time, always have…I am a night owl he was a day person, so I stayed up all night to get my alone time…I left home at 15 and raised myself and mom at 17, I was use to my independence and alone time, not that I was ever single for long, but always my own boss, being married and giving up your independence is tough, now I am trying to learn how to be independent again, having just left husband a week ago after 9 yrs, its tough..Good luck, but dont settle just because he is a good guy, lots of them around, you need to know down deep he is the one, he makes your toes curl when he kisses you, cant wait to here from him, not thinking oh god he is calling again….
Bitter and twisted 13
Well I dated the nice guy for a year. I kept thinking “he has the whole package” but something just didn’t feel right. I was heading for 30 and thought I could make it work. Well, he broke up with me because he felt like I was trying to change him. He hates me now, he completely resents how I treated him. He knows I never loved him and he left me for a “nice” girl. Believe me, nice guys are just as bad as bad boys (except less exciting) when they don’t love you any more. Boy did I learn my lesson. I will never settle again and will only pursue a relationship if I am absolutely sure of my feelings as well as his.
nche 14
Hi ladies,
just ran into this website – i am a guy and i can say one thing – i notice, that all the responces in favor of diana are ladies whose relationships havent worked out too. Diana, there is no Mr. right dear; if you find yourself searching for Mr. right – it's an indication of you not having matured or grown enough to accomodate people who are less than perfect. you are 28… get serious or you will be left in the cold
John 15
One major thing that virtually everyone forgot to mention is that people DO CHANGE. A “walkover” today can become a tiger tomorrow. An inexperienced sexual partner today can become a really bad boy/naughty girl over time. When we meet someone, and something doesn’t “click” right away, maybe the conversation isn’t great, he is “boring” sex is not exciting, etc, we tend to project that into the future, and think that the situation will ALWAYS be like that. Nothing could be further from the truth. Otherwise, most of us will never get auto insurance, because most rookie drivers tend to make the most driving mistakes.
I still believe that one of the major reasons why people remain single is because they simply are not ready to commit, not because there are no suitable partners. And they are not ready to commit because there are far TOO MANY choices available. And we have too many choices because of the availability of technology.