Aug07
Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me?
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Attraction is not rational. We can break it down to its elemental components, but that thing that you feel, which draws you to a man? It’s not a choice. No more than the base attraction a man has to a woman when he sees her across a crowded room.
There has been a great deal written on this, and there’s an entire industry designed to explain to “nice guys” how to attract women. In fact, it’s been turned into such a science, that you might want to take a look at it. Click here to learn more from one of the original masters, David DeAngelo. DeAngelo puts into plain words what you just feel in your bones: confident, decisive, witty, and somewhat unpredictable men are the most attractive. Yes, it helps if he’s cute. Sure, it helps if he has money. But the attitude that plays the best with the most women is generally some version of “cocky and funny”.
Of course, most women outgrow men who are so cocky that they are unable to forge bonds with a woman. But the desire for a man with a little swagger never entirely wanes. I wrote about a man’s passion and proficiency just two weeks ago. In short, a guy doesn’t have to be a jerk to do well with women. He just has to be a man.
And while I hate to keep on referencing old blog posts, some of them apply specifically to this theme, especially this one, which says:
Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.
Which brings me to your next question.
Question 2: Am I being picky?
Let’s see… By your admission, he “calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc.”
So what do you think? Are you being picky? Or is there something more to dating and relationships than what someone does for you?
How about how someone makes you feel?
How about how you feel about him?
I think those two things are the essence of any relationship. And I think they get lost when we start focusing on checklists.
I speak from personal experience when I mention that I have broken up with some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I recall a brief relationship back in 2003. She had everything on my checklist – smart, silly, cute, good family, stable job, etc. What she didn’t have – what I really needed at the time – was a backbone. I just got the sense that I’d win every argument for the rest of our lives because she was such a pushover. And that wasn’t something I either respected or was attracted to. I broke up with her for a woman who was like a Sex and the City character come to life. All
You can guess what happened next….
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13 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
JimmyE Aug 7th 2007 at 01:42 pm 1
A nice guy isn’t hard to find. I know loads of them. I have their numbers. Nice girls aren’t hard to find either. So why is everyone still single?
Loads of us are still single because nice isn’t enough for a long term relationship. For that to work you also need fun, interesting, stuff in common.
I’d never criticise a woman for dumping a ‘nice’ guy. I do however get a bit exacberated at all the women who claim that ‘i just want a nice guy.’ That kind of sentiment doesn’t do justice to yourself or the men who want to date you.
BeenThruTheWars Aug 8th 2007 at 10:27 am 2
Very interesting letter and questions, Diana. One could play devil’s advocate with oneself all day long (as it appears you are doing).
In my opinion, two months of casual dating isn’t long enough to assess who someone really is, at their core, and whether they would be an appropriate long-term partner. People start relaxing and showing their true colors around the three month mark… then a little more at the six month mark… then a little more after you get engaged… etc. (Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and your Prince Charming will turn out to be a “bad boy” after all!)
All kidding aside… two or three dates should be enough to know “is there a spark here or isn’t there?”
Your dilemma as I interpret it is at least in part, how important are sparks in a long-term relationship? Some say they are crucial; others say the early days of “wall socket sex” and fiery passion eventually simmer down into a more comfortable, intimate, familiar feeling of love where the embers smolder but the room doesn’t catch fire every time you’re both in it.
But if there are no embers on your part to begin with…
On the other hand, great guys who will adore you AND your two young children don’t grow on trees…
On the other hand, as JimmyE points out, the universe is an abundant place with tons of nice guys in it (some even with chutzpah, as Evan points out…)
On the other hand… aacckkk. I totally get it. You can make yourself nuts with all this pretzel brain twisting.
If you’re a reader, I can suggest a terrific book that might put some of what you’re struggling with into perspective. It’s called “The Passion Trap: Where is Your Relationship Going?” by Dean C. Dellis and Cassandra Phillips. It describes the emotional struggles that go along with unequal/unbalanced relationships such as yours, where one person is a lot more invested in the relationship than the other. One person becomes the “one-up” (that would be you, as you can take this or leave it), the other becomes the “one-down” (your suitor, who feels the need to pursue harder and harder to bridge the growing gap he perceives). This creates a push-pull dynamic that can create a lot of turmoil, at the very least. The book offers suggestions for trying to even out the relationship if both parties feel it’s worth the trouble. It helped me understand why some of my relationships have felt like such a struggle, others have felt like a yawn, and why my current one feels just right.
I guess the main question I would be asking myself in your shoes… if I stay with this guy and see what unfolds over a few more months’ time, will I feel like I’m settling? What is the potential cost of missed opportunities? If you could care less whether or not you’re even in a relationship, and you don’t feel like you’re using this fellow or stringing him along, what would be the harm in continuing to see him on a status quo basis… until you know for certain how you feel?
What’s that old saying? When in doubt, do nothing.
Best of luck to you, Diana. I’d be curious to know how things turn out.
mrs. vee Aug 8th 2007 at 12:44 pm 3
Diana -
There’s not much more I can add to the great advice already given except to tell you that whatever you decide to do is ok. There is no right or wrong answer to your predicament.
Having said that, I don’t see this as a case of you “betting on 20″ if you were to dump him. Your man apparently fails to produce the feelings in you that you believe are fundamentally necessary in a romantic relationship. I’d say you’re perhaps holding a 16.
If you’re focusing now so early in the relationship on whether or not he’s right for you, and if he becomes increasingly more cloying and desperate to feel reassured of your affections, then you’re obviously not using the time to enjoy each other’s company. These are supposed to be your salad days. You shouldn’t have to think about this stuff. You should be falling in love. It’s hard to relax and get to know each other when two people are already preoccupied with the power dynamic.
Your fella obviously has the sincere desire to be in a relationship and goes through all the right motions. That’s only the starting point. If after two months of dating and even sex you’re still not sure that you’re attracted to him, then I think it’s fair to him and yourself to throw this one back in the river.
You’re young and sound cool and fun. Perhaps he’ll make some lucky woman happy one of these days. Still, you owe it to yourself to seek the whole package and he deserves a woman who sees him as such.
mrs. vee Aug 8th 2007 at 01:58 pm 4
…And after all that, I have just roundly scolded myself for giving advice that, if I’d followed, I wouldn’t be with my husband today. So, to not be a complete hypocrite, let me briefly share with you that I didn’t initially think my better half was my type either. The passion was always there from the very beginning whenever things got physical between us, but, early on, I felt like I could walk all over him if I wanted to. I had major doubts and tried breaking it off with him twice, thinking that it was the fair thing to do for him. Each time I let him go, he took it graciously and nevertheless persisted after me.
Because I thought he was a good guy, I made a genuine effort to stay his friend. Then, one month in and two dumpings later, we planned a night out that
involved our friends. On that outing, I saw how relaxed funny and and confident he was with any person other than me, I realized that I just made him nervous. We continued doing things with people in our social circles, and gradually he totally relaxed around me even when we were on or own. I fell in love with him, and it really wasn’t just me “letting him in” either. He truly managed to surpass every expectation, and it was head over heels type of love. And I say with a smile on my face that today he’s squarely in the driver’s seat in our relationship. I still feel a lot of heat towards him to this day. So who knows? Perhaps the lesson here is that you may one day see a different side of your man if he’s put in a different situation. Maybe he just needs the opportunity to rise to a challenge in front of you before you see his true stripes. The thing to not to miss here, though, is that the butterflies and crazy-in-love feelings eventually did surface in me. You keep an eye out for them too, dear.
christian parenting Aug 22nd 2007 at 11:28 pm 5
christian parenting…
I just came upon this website via the blogging baby website. Interesting post. This could have easily been written by me (with just a change or two). Funny to read another story that is so similar to my own….
Jessie Aug 25th 2007 at 04:22 am 6
Jessie…
Next time, you may want to elaborate a little more….
Ruby Sep 5th 2007 at 10:24 am 7
Hey, Evan,
Good advice, but what;s up with the comment, “Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30’s”. After that, what, she’ll be yesterday’s news? As an attractive woman over 40, I’m offended by this. Perhaps we’re not as “marketable” to as many men as we were in our twenties, but it doesn’t mean that it’s all over either. In some ways, I know that I’ve got more to offer a man now, than I did when I was in my twenties. Please be a little more sensitive.
Evan Marc Katz Sep 5th 2007 at 10:53 am 8
I didn’t say that women in their 40’s are yesterday’s news.
I didn’t say that you don’t have more to offer.
I did say that there are a lot fewer options due to the (perhaps unfair) preferences at men.
It is not being insensitive to point out something factual. There was no judgment on my part. Just an observation about men.
See today’s blog post for more: Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules and My Advice Might Get You Angry.
Aliza Sep 5th 2007 at 05:52 pm 9
Loved this post – it’s me, except I have just one child! And I’ll be 50 on my next birthday!
By now, I’ve come to enjoy any free time I get. Yes, it’s nice to have someone to do things with. But I need my space (ah – how many times has that been said to ME!?) too.
The guy in question lives, literally, next door – in the next apartment building. He is a couple of years older, never married. He’s a sweetie pie, for sure – and adores my 11 year old daughter too. But, and here’s the rub – do I even want a relationship right now? What do I expect to get out of a relationship? A friend? Someone to do things with? Sex? Is it worth “giving up” my “me” time?
Sigh………
Aliza Sep 5th 2007 at 05:53 pm 10
And let me add….I’ve been married three times. Not sure I want to do that again!
JuJu Sep 5th 2007 at 06:46 pm 11
[Excessive] niceness has nothing to do with it, actually. If you were crazy about him, there is nothing you would want more than all this attention. But physically you aren’t particularly attracted, intellectually you aren’t stimulated, the sex is only tepid (and that’s in the very beginning of a relationship when things are usually at their most passionate) – ask yourself, can you see a future with this man?
There you go.
Jenny Sep 6th 2007 at 07:54 pm 12
I married the nice guy, I probly jumped to fast having had two young kids. My kids would ask for a daddy for xmas, I felt pressure at 26 to marry, and felt old for my age having been a mom at 17. I dated alot of mr.wrongs, no job, handsome and they knew it arseholes. I was looking for a nice guy, I found him, then I was attracted to him, now 9 yrs later he let himself go, I just left him for lack of attraction and his constant yelling and complaining and other reasons.. We grew apart, were more friends then lovers. Now the last thing I want is just nice, there has to be a strong physical attraction too. By physical attraction I dont mean drop dead gorgious, you have to find something about him sexy, his smile his eyes, something…Dont marry or settle if you arent 100% in love and lust…I married the first good one that came along and although were friends and he is still a father figure to my girls, I didnt marry my mr. right. You say you can live or without a man, so can we all, but at sometime you have to want to lean on him or you wont every be happy married, you have to give up some of that independence to be a couple. You sound like I did when I married though, I settled, dont do it if your that unsure and doing it because he is so into you, DONT….You have to be happy first before the kids or him. I use to fall for a guy just because he was good with my kids, ohhh he would be a good dad, DONT…Yah that is important to, but you have to sleep with this guys for the rest of your life. I knew when I couldnt say I wanted to be with him FOREVER that he wasnt the man for me, I should be able to say that about someone I am married too…I was happier when he wasnt home then I was with him home, I needed my space and he wanted to be together 24/7. He took offense to the fact that I always liked my space and figured I didnt want to be with him, no I like my alone time, always have…I am a night owl he was a day person, so I stayed up all night to get my alone time…I left home at 15 and raised myself and mom at 17, I was use to my independence and alone time, not that I was ever single for long, but always my own boss, being married and giving up your independence is tough, now I am trying to learn how to be independent again, having just left husband a week ago after 9 yrs, its tough..Good luck, but dont settle just because he is a good guy, lots of them around, you need to know down deep he is the one, he makes your toes curl when he kisses you, cant wait to here from him, not thinking oh god he is calling again….
Bitter and twisted Aug 6th 2008 at 05:38 am 13
Well I dated the nice guy for a year. I kept thinking “he has the whole package” but something just didn’t feel right. I was heading for 30 and thought I could make it work. Well, he broke up with me because he felt like I was trying to change him. He hates me now, he completely resents how I treated him. He knows I never loved him and he left me for a “nice” girl. Believe me, nice guys are just as bad as bad boys (except less exciting) when they don’t love you any more. Boy did I learn my lesson. I will never settle again and will only pursue a relationship if I am absolutely sure of my feelings as well as his.