Is Fear Keeping You From Finding a Relationship?
I’ll admit: I don’t read much dating advice. It’s not that I’m above it, but since I’m a busy married guy who writes his own dating advice, reading others’ takes on dating is pretty low on my priority list. But when an article popped up on my Facebook newsfeed that was called “The 12 Reasons You’re Afraid to Get Into A Relationship (And Why You Should Just Chill)”, I clicked through.
I quickly learned that author Lauren Passell and I are kindred spirits. Tell the truth with humor and let the chips fall where they may.
Most people don’t identify themselves as “afraid” of finding a relationship. They couch their singledom in other terms so that it doesn’t sound like a cop-out.
“I’m taking a break from dating right now.”
“I’m really busy with my career.”
“I don’t know too many happily married people.”
“I really like my independence.”
It’s not that these stories are definitively untrue; it’s that they don’t come close to telling the full story.
Most people don’t identify themselves as “afraid” of finding a relationship.
Which is that you use all of these examples to justify why you choose not to be vulnerable and partner up with someone – and sure enough, you never partner up with someone. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Fact is, if you want to fall in love, it’s there for the taking. Whether you’re afraid of heartbreak, afraid of intimacy, or afraid of compromise, you can stay single for the rest of your life, and that’s cool by me.
But you know what’s cooler? Sharing yourself fully with another human being and building a life together. And if you let your fear make all your decisions, you’ll never see the beauty of being truly in love.
Click here to read the article here and let me know what fear is making your decisions for you right now.
 |
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
58 Comments »Filed Under Letting Go
Fiona 1
I think that this is probably true that we are all scared of something – the main one for me being fear of heartbreak. This is not an imaginary fear though – for those of us who have experienced heartache more than once, it is all too real, painful for a long time and not something I ever want to go through again. However, not sure that this is stopping me from finding a relationship. I am prepared to take this risk because the alternative is much worse. It just isn’t happening.
Katie 2
I am probably a shrink’s favorite case, and maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about, but I’m not afraid of getting into a relationship. I’ve been ready for decades! It breaks my heart even to write this, but I’m afraid men don’t find me attractive because I’m not thin. I’m not huge by anyone’s definition, but I’m not THIN. And I’ve always thought that’s the reason men don’t find me attractive. For the past 5-6 months or so I’ve decided to NOT let that bother me; I ACCEPTED my body and I woke up and chose to love it every single day….but it still didn’t help me attract men. And now I know people say when you love yourself, blah, blah, I DO LOVE MYSELF. I have accepted the way I look. I am very put together, have a great career, make PLENTY of time for meeting new people (I am an actress, I meet new people in every show I do, I’m out all the time), and I do a lot of charity work. I just….I’m AFRAID maybe I’m just not pretty enough to attract anyone. I’M NOT UGLY! But I think men….I don’t know. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and BEGGED and prayed to GOD to send someone to me, to show me that my “ugliness” is all in my head — for 20+ years I’ve prayed for this (I’m 38) — and nothing. My heart breaks every day for — for my one prayer to be answered. I’m not having a good day.
Kathleen 3
Katie
Since you are an actress why not start playing the role of a beautiful confident radiant woman?
When I first came to America I noticed the confident swagger many black African American women have. Even though they were heavy you could see that they believed in their own sexy hotness. I love seeing that!!
Anonymous 4
I am definitely taking a break right now. My last relationship took a lot out of me. I’m still sorting it out. Obviously she wasn’t the right person for me. I get that. She was manipulative, controlling, sneaky, probably a narcissist. I’m feeling a lot better about myself finally 6 months after the relationship ended. I wanted to take this time for me. I didn’t want to jump right into something when I knew I still had residual feelings for my ex, both love and pain. I don’t think it’s fair to the next person I enter into a relationship with. Most importantly, I don’t want to end up with the same kind of person as the last one and I think I needed to spend some time and just put me first after draining myself in the last relationship. No shortage of women trying to date me, but I have no interest right now and I’m not going to let anyone else tell me that I should force myself into something when I’m not feeling it. Sometimes you just have to take a break. Plus, there is no one that I have met that even remotely captures my eye or my heart. I anticipate another 4 months of being singe, then I will start dating again. There is nothing wrong with taking a break after an intense heartbreak.
Mia 5
I have been ready for a relationship despite many heartbreaks, but surprise surprise, the guy I had such great hopes for said on the THIRTEENTH date that he was not looking for an ltr. He thought we were just hanging out. ( we weren’t sleeping together, though we shared passionate kisses and hooked up starting on the 8th date, and all our dates were getting out and having a blast trying new things). This after persisting through many dates following a guy in the spring who waited til the NINTH date to tell me he was not looking for a relationship. The guy before him waited til the ninth date too.
You know what? I don’t need to deal with this crap. I have some fears about relationships but I usually just work through them. Now I am taking a couple months break from dating to concentrate on some other things in life that are important to me, that make me feel happy and alive. I’m not going to be some pathetic chick who puts on a pretty dress, goes out with a new guy every week or two, acts nothing but sweet, engaging, and playful, gets lots of compliments about how pretty and fun I am, and still gets the shaft time after time, then logs on to facebook and sees an update about yet another lamebrain getting engaged. I don’t think all hope is lost, but I just need to turn my attention to other valuable things for the time being so that I can return in a better emotional place.
Fiona 6
Mia, I empathise with your pain but you really need to get over your issues with other women (the “lamebrains”, the middle aged women, and the other that you think deserve to end up alone). Don’t you think this sort of attitude is putting men off a bit? Maybe some of these women are doing something you are not.
Lucy 7
Returning to a better emotional place is a good plan. It’s what I am trying. I did have a painful shock today when I saw some old photographs of him but it ebbs and flows until it turns to nothingness. I am working on getting over two past relationships because I pretty much moved from a break-up to an unsuitable relationship when I wasn’t in a great state of mind.
I can understand what Evan is getting at. You can tell yourself you are taking a break but you never know when you will meet someone new. For me getting over someone means that there will still be some residual pain (break-ups always leave a mark) but if I feel happy in myself, then that’s all right. It doesn’t work to say “I’m going to take a break for x months”. At the same time you can be telling yourself “I have to lose weight to find a man” et cetera. Well there is nothing wrong with that but you have to do it for you with a relationship perhaps being a happy surprise at the end of it.
I’ve learnt so much from reading this blog. Knowing myself better has resulted in feeling more in control of my destiny, and less fearful. Many people don’t decide what their non-negotiables are and only have a vague sense of what they want. Having that in mind means you’re less likely to follow through with a relationship that isn’t right for you. You have to get over the fear eventually because the element of risk is part and parcel of falling in love – without vulnerability, it would not be such a beautiful experience. So it’s best to let go of what you can’t control and focus on what you can. What you can do is to understand yourself better so you don’t end up in a risky relationship, and become stronger against heartbreak.
Still-Looking 8
The author stated, “ Being single is awesome. But unless you have very, very strong convictions to be single for the rest of your life (hey there, my nuns sisters!), you are going to have to change sometime. You might like being single now. But ask yourself: do you want to be alone for the rest of your life? Picture yourself living alone in 40 years. Are you okay with that? ”
I guess I will change sometime but since I’m not in a hurry I’m going to just keep looking until someone captures my heart. Until then I will just have to continue living the single life – which can be awesome at times!
Tom10 9
Mia
Mia, when should a guy tell you he’s not looking for a serious relationship? When do you them what you are looking for?
I’m curious because I’ve been in the same scenario many times, but from the other side and I’ve often wondered what the right thing to do is.
Leesa 10
Katie (#2). I just want to give you a big hug. When I read your comment, there are a few things that spring to mind. Being an actress, and mixing in those circles … i’m not in that business, but my impression is that it’s a fairly superficial scene. Aren’t there lots of beautiful women who are getting boob and nose jobs, even when they’re already slim and super beautiful? I imagine it would be very hard to find a genuine guy in that arena. Maybe I’m wrong. I just imagine, an abundant supply of genuine/single guys aren’t found out at show business parties. I know i’m a women talking, but I honestly don’t think that looks are everything to good guys who are honestly looking for a genuine partnership with a women (look at what evan talks about all the time). And you’re saying that you’re not that fat and not that ugly. Here’s a true story for you: There is a women I know in town, and I have to say: she IS one of the most fat, ugly women I have ever met. And she had an accident and she gets chronic pain and migraines so she’s not even healthy. And the first time I met her, she lied to me when the truth would do. And i’ve listened to her being totally bitchy about other women. And she must be in her late 40s. Now, if any women couldn’t get a man, I would have thought it would be her. But she’s got the nicest guy I’ve met in ages (he’s my mechanic). He’s honest (he doesn’t rip me off) and he’s kind and he’s smart. They’ve been together for over 10 years and he seems loyal and devoted to her. So there you go. Honestly, I ‘d love to have him as my partner. It’s hard for any women to meet a decent guy. Like evan says, most guys are the wrong guys. I get depressed that no decent guy ever asks me out (the good ones seem to be taken and I only ever meet absolutely terrible guys that I wouldn’t go near if they were the last guys on earth). I’ve learnt from evan’s website that it’s about being able to identify the genuine/good guys. But first you’ve got to meet AT LEAST one who is AVAILABLE, which i’ve found is VERY difficult to do (I don’t judge a guy by his looks, but rather by his actions). And then, as I have discussed ad nauseum elsewhere on evan’s website (because of my recent heartbreak) – you’ve got to make sure they are who they say they are (and not a wolf in sheep’s clothing). I beat up on myself. I’m working on having better self-talk with myself. It takes practice, and I need help by getting perspective from other people about how hard i’m being on myself. It’s a hard habit to break when we’ve been doing it most of our lives. There is a book which I’d like to recommend to you which has helped me a lot in the last few months – it’s a new york times best seller. It’s called “dying to be me”. The lessons she learnt and the way she communicates them in her book might help you manifest what is truly yours. It is helping me alot.
Mickey 11
As far as I’m concerned, fear is not an issue. In recent years, a large majority of women have taken the position that men are worthless dogs who bring nothing into a relationship, and basically go out of their way to project themselves as unapproachable and just plain unfriendly.
Admittedly, I’ve given up hope of finding a relationship a long long time ago. At this point in time, if a guy even attempts to approach a woman for friendship, dating, companionship, etc., it is more likely than not that the approach will be met with a harsh smackdown. I’ve seen this happen too many times over the years to believe otherwise now.
Thus, one realizes, as I have, that this is only an exercise in futility to try anything when one already knows that a positive response is not in the cards. So, not setting oneself up for a losing proposition yet again is NOT fear.
There is no point losing sleep over something that is never going to happen anyway.
Dagaz 12
Everyone has fears, no exception. Even more fears than one can admit, can see or can discover at certain point. A lot of those fears fall into the relationship headquarters, yes.
Yes, there’s nothing new in it and I would add couple more points to the list in the article.
But to list those fears won’t help to overcome them. I know what are my weak spots, but it’s impossible to defeat/fix/revive them consciously, just saying some affirmations or going over and over admitting those fears. Things simply don’t disappear this way, alas (i wish they would, though).
Fusee 13
Great article… for my boyfriend! It reassured him to realize that he is not alone with his fears.
I, on the other hand, have never been afraid of being in a relationship, or of any part of the process of building a relationship. Never been afraid of putting myself out there, of responding to advances, of making myself known, of opening up my vulnerabilities, or of risking heartbreak. If anything, I was probably more afraid of not being in a relationship (or of the relationship not working) than anything else. Althouh I’m not sure I even had the time to fear being single as I was going from one relationship to the next, with barely a few months in between.
But a string of unnecessary heartbreaks took its toll. It is exhausting. It is draining. We go through unnecessary heartbreaks because of a lack of wisdom or self-control. We can keep the heartbreak level low and stop fearing future ones by being more mindful and keeping onself emotionally detached for a longer time. Evan says “he is not real until he is your boyfriend”… How about “he is not really real until he is your husband”? And even then, ask yourself “what is real?”.
My own growth process had to involve taking a few years off dating, litterally forcing myself to not be available to men, and focus on becoming a grounded, healthy, balanced, and happy single woman. Learning to do without the attention, the overthinking, and the ups and downs of dating. When the time came to open up again, it just happened, this time with a sense of centeredness in my happiness and a non-negotiable commitment to my values that nothing could ever shake. Certainly not fear.
Michelle 14
I think there’s a difference between someone who hasn’t had a date in 3, 5, 10 years (and I know plenty of women in that situation) and someone who has dated a lot and had relationships, and just can’t find that man that ‘captures her heart’. It’s draining, a break is just what the doctor ordered. I ‘settled’ on things that were imporant to me when I married (because I was young, immature and uneducated about myself, men & relationships), I’m not doing it again.
Renee 15
I’m out seven months from what was a pretty big heartbreak and I am ready and open again. I just turned 35 have dated quite a bit in my mid twenties til now and have had three serious relationships. The problem is I would like to date and not be fearful with an open heart, I’ve put myself out there, and I’m not meeting anyone that excites me to make my heart open. The dates just cause me to regress from how far along I have come and lead me back to thoughts of my ex and missing the great moments between us. Even though I want to have an open heart my experiences in dating are making me feel like it’s truly a worthless effort and the energy put forth needs to be put towards accepting the fact that I’m meant to be single in my lifetime and not meant to have a significant other or family. I’m not one to submit to a defeatest attitude, but one can only try something for so long that is not working out and come to face reality. I think there is a time to take breaks, but then when I do I feel like I’m wasting time and maybe missing Mr. right, it’s truly a no win situation.
David T 16
I agree with Evan that building and accomplishing something with a partner is one of the most exciting parts of a relationship and marriage. That thought to the future was always a prime motivator and got me excited in the relationships I had before and after my marriage.
None of those 12 reasons in the article apply to me. The first one is the only one where I have any question. My heart is not closed but over recent years, it feels like it is has become shatterproof. I know the end of a close relationship will still be disappointing and hurtful, but I also now have lots of practice in knowing Life Isn’t Over and friends are forever. I *think* I am pretty fearless there.
Before this past year, I was usually in a relationship, hunting for a relationship or wanting to hunt for one but realistically knowing it was not practical at the time. This past year my experience is a lot like Renee (#15) sounds like (no one really excites or engages me) except I know in my head from my past patterns that my ambivalence is out of character and could change any time. The last several months I use dating to try now and then to see if my interest has returned.
I have experienced love ambivalence for quite a while now, dating a lot for a few months then dropping down to near zero for a few months, rinse and repeat. Some of the women I dated were impressive professionals, witty, fun to spend time with, physically attractive and kind, but still nada for me. These were women that I felt like I should love, but I just don’t get all that excited. (Yeah, and some of the others would have been disasters to partner with!)
I don’t wait until date 13 to talk about this, I start talking about where I am early, but that I like them and want to see where it will go. It may be off putting and may be self-defeating, but I will not have someone getting their hopes up based on assumptions that I know are incorrect. I also will not have sex until I feel love. Even so, it still seems like I am the one who breaks it off most of the time.
Part of me wants someone to hold and to hold me, and I will confess that some of my motivation to date is to just have someone’s arms around me again even for a short while, but I don’t feel the excitement of wanting to build something with someone anymore. Maybe it is because my son is almost 16 and I know it is too late to build a family around him that he will truly be a part of.
I also rarely feel lonesome. I am comfortable with who I am and where I am going (of course there are things in my life I am working to change, but that is part of what makes life fun!) and I enjoy my time both alone and with friends. This makes me less needy, and maybe that looks more attractive (seems like it has been easier to find women interested in me than it was a few years ago), but it also removes a major motivation for seeking a companion! Life is more fun with a stimulating companion you see for hours every day, but it is already pretty fun as it is.
I would like to be a Dad again, but that is something I can do through adoption so I don’t really need a partner for that either. (I have never full time single parented, so maybe I don’t know what I am getting into(!) but I understand http://www.co-abode.com will be setting up a way for single fathers to network at some point.)
So, where is my motivation to love romantically? I don’t know. Perhaps without the want to build, the need for a companion or distraction, or the need for a partner parent, I am better off alone and happy.
I will continue on as I have. Dating a little here and there to see if a relationship is something I truly want again and then stopping for a while when/if it is clear it isn’t yet. I don’t think I am a ‘relationship anorexic’ and I do examine that possibility from time to time. I am just me and paying attention to how I feel.
Mia 17
Fusee, I really agree with your post. SoMeone can go on 100 Internet dates and learn nothing and be able to offer nothing , yet take time off and properly reflect and go on just a few dates to strike gold. Some people can become obsessed with dating and cruising match and just end up pathetic without a fulfilling life.
Fiona 18
Mia, I think I can truly see why men are walking away from you. If you are this judgmental and hostile to other people, you must be turning men off and that is probably why they date you 13 times and walk away. Re-read some of your old posts. Even your latest one states that some people just end up “pathetic”. Think about it. Would you want to date a guy who talked like this about other people? I wouldn’t. I also think continuing to compare yourself to other people is unhelpful. My mother is the world’s worst for pointing out that most less attractive women than me that are married. It doesn’t change my situation and I don’t see how I have any more right to be married than they do. They are multitudes of reasons why some women are married and I am not: some are prepared to put up with behaviour that I am not, some were better judges of character than I have been in the past, some didn’t spend so much time at work, and some were just plain better girlfriends than I have been to some of my exes.
Mia 19
Fiona, when I used the word pathetic I was actually thinking of myself – I’m startled that you took this to mean I judge other people. I was referring to how I had become when I focused too much on dating, and that sometimes the best thing to do is focus on orher parts of life for awhile. And you don’t know shit about my situation, so please stop condescending me. I am nothing but kind, engaging and warm with the men I am with. I also know many people who have truly awful personalities who get married so let’s not act like this is a niceness contest. Please.
Wendy 20
I always found that taking a break between relationships was very helpful to me, and not the result of a “fear” of anything. I use this time, which usually ranges from three to 12 months, to reflect on the last guy, what went wrong, what the dealbreaker was, etc., so that I can (hopefully) enter the next relationship as a better person. During this time I am not making much of an effort to find someone (that means running to the grocery store with no makeup instead of getting all dolled up and lingering over the produce, for example), and then {{ POOF }} somebody shows up when I least expect him.
Yes, in the past fear has stopped me, crippled me, hindered me in every way imaginable. I am guilty of at least six of the Fear Infractions mentioned in the article. But time and experience has a way of calming these fears and as David T #16 put it so well, “I know the end of a close relationship will still be disappointing and hurtful, but I also now have lots of practice in knowing Life Isn’t Over and friends are forever.”
Daphne 21
@Tom 10, why not the first date, or in their online profile if they are online ?
@EMK: well, when should a man or woman tell his or her date that he/she’s not looking for a serious relationship ?
Fiona 22
Mia, all I know about your situation is what you post on here. I was actually trying to help you because it is plain to see from what you write where you are going wrong but I will refrain from doing so in future.
Evan Marc Katz 23
@Daphne: I don’t think anyone is obliged to tell anyone anything on a date.
I think that if you’re not satisfied with his efforts to court you and commit to you, you can dump him at any time.
Your power lies in your ability to walk away, not in your ability to demand he state his intentions clearly upfront so you don’t waste your time.
Karmic Equation 24
Heartbreak is always a possibility when you love someone. It’s just as inevitable as dying. If you live, eventually you die. If you love, eventually your heart will break, because even if your relationship lasts the rest of your life, you or your partner will die, so your or his heart is going to break. Inevitable. Just as you don’t stop living because you’re going to die someday, you shouldn’t stop looking for or working at relationships just because your heart will break someday.
If you can learn something about yourself from each relationship, the relationship–and you–are not failures. If you repeat without rinsing, then yes, you may be a failure as you’re not doing the reflecting that you need to do to improve yourself for the next relationship. And yes, we all have room for improvement, relationship to relationship.
As I told a friend recently, each successive guy I’m in a relationship with gets the benefit of me being a better person than the guy in my previous relationship, whether or not they deserve it.
My goal in relationships is not to be the love of his life, but rather, the woman he can never forget. This goal inspires me to be the best person/woman I can be, without being a doormat. Tough line to toe if you’re insecure, but amazingly effortless when you are secure as a person and truly happy with your life without a man in it.
And an amazing thing happens when I am the woman he can’t forget, he wants to have me in his life, and we end up being in a relationship.
@Katie
You’re an actress, imo, most actresses are very attractive, unless you’re the one whose roles usually make you the beautiful actress’ less attractive best friend/sidekick. If those are the roles you play, they’re not helping your self-esteem. You might want to stop taking those kinds of roles rather than stop dating or giving up on men/relationships, imo.
I’m the most secure woman I know and here are my specs and I’m 100% sure you are 100% more attractive than me looks-wise: I’m 45yo (told I look 30-35), 4’10″, 150# (obese by body fat indices, but I’m not obese at all, just dense bones and well-muscled, with feminine muscles, not manly-muscles; a slight spare tire in the middle (but I dress well and can hide that)–no one believes my weight, even I don’t when I weigh myself, LOL). I obey the rule of two, show either legs or boobs, not both…and oftentimes neither. My favorite attire are jeans and demure v-neck teeshirts with boots.
But here’s who I am: I don’t dress slutty and I don’t act slutty. I’m always happy, smiling, flirty, and full of humor. I think men are wonderful creatures and see them as people first, men 2nd, and I treat them like good people…and they in turn treat me like good people. I radiate feminine grace. When I’m not in a live-in LTR, I never leave the house looking less than my best, because you never know who you’re going to bump into. Wherever I go, I never lack for positive (non-jerk, non-player) male attention.
If you truly truly love yourself and are secure with yourself, it’s not hard to have what you want out of life. Life can still throw you curve balls, but you’ll be able to handle them. Being secure is not just loving yourself and accepting your insecurities, it’s really conquering the insecurites and fears.
I think it was in the movie “Enemy at the Gates” — there was a line that sticks with me (paraphrased) “Bravery is not the absence of fear, but rather doing what you must even if you’re afraid.” I use “No guts, no glory” in every thing I do, especially if I’m afraid. I live my live according to these two mottos, with no insecurities. And I have never been happier.
The last insecurity I had to overcome was recent…I’m 45, my (for the time being reformed-player, time will tell if this holds) boyfriend is 12 years my junior…so I was competing for his time/attention with women half my age who are much hotter. And I, understandably, was jealous and insecure…until I remembered for my age I’m quite the catch…and I’m nothing like the women he was used to dating, namely SANE (he has a bunny-boiler ex, she tried to run him over with her car), no-drama, love sports and can talk sports as well as most men, can shoot pool almost as well as he (and he’s good, I’m no slouch), and just truly love his personality founded on his player-ness (flirty, confident, charming, articulate). And instead of holding the qualities that made him an awesome playah against him, I celebrated those qualities with him (not the sleeping with other girls part, btw, that I was deafeningly silent on) — but the flirty, charming, confident swagger that he displayed, I always complimented and admired him for.
And he is now spending practically every non-working waking moment with me. We shoot pool, we watch movies, he’s started introducing me to his family…I couldn’t be happier with his consistency, effort, and devotion. I believed in the good that was in him and just gave him the opportunity to show that goodness. And we are both happier people for it. Because he is so much younger than me, I recognize that this relationship has a shelf-life already…so heartbreak is in the offing. I’m willing to risk that because I’m not afraid. Life will go on after him and we will both be better people for it. Until then, I am going to have the time of my life with him.
Selena 25
@ Fiona #18
“They are multitudes of reasons why some women are married and I am not: some are prepared to put up with behaviour that I am not, some were better judges of character than I have been in the past, some didn’t spend so much time at work, and some were just plain better girlfriends than I have been to some of my exes.”
I like and share your perspective.
Michelle 26
“I think that if you’re not satisfied with his efforts to court you and commit to you, you can dump him at any time.
Your power lies in your ability to walk away, not in your ability to demand he state his intentions clearly upfront so you don’t waste your time.”
Very important perspective to have, leads to a lot less feeling like a victim and continuously giving up one’s power.
@David T, I feel the exactly the way you do. As a mother of older children, I don’t want to get involved with someone with younger children, and I’m not having any more of my own. So really, it is all about me and how inspired I am. So far, no so much inspiration is coming my way!
Tom10 27
@Karmic #24
Great post, your attitude to life is spot-on – women like you are so attractive.
My two mantras on life are:
from Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Luhrmann:
“Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.”
And (paraphrased) from Dr. Phil, which helps with insecurities: “the number one thing on everyone’s minds is themselves, so don’t worry what other people think of you – because they’re not thinking of you – they’re thinking of themselves!”
I love people who are “always happy, smiling, flirty and full of humor” – I’m one too!
David T 28
@Michelle28
As I think about my “building something” motivation, I realized I have to retool what I think about what I want to build, because what I was looking for when my son was younger is no longer in the cards.
I would LOVE to be with someone with younger children, and to watch them grow and help raising them. THAT is exciting. Or maybe I need to just think about building a particular home and lifestyle, or making a business that gives back I want to have and taking joy in sharing things. Something else altogether besides “build” could be missing from my motivation.
Enough navel gazing and publishing here instead of my own journal. Hopefully it was useful to someone. It was good self work for me anyway!
susan 29
Brilliant post Karmic. And David. I think there can be a fear of success (just it’s cheesy and overused rhetoric but thats what makes it true…). I am 3 months into a blissfully happy, healthy, equal relationship that we both beleive has a good future. But still there is that fear of what if…what will the future look like…what compromise will there be…etc. I’m not backing away, and its not holding me back, but it’s there, just a little bit, in the background – as so it should be this early on.
On the other hand, I have friends who are 3, 4 5 years single who lament about never finding a partner. They give off a ”dont’mess with me” vibe which I’m sure can be smelt by potential suitors! Maybe it’s fear dressed up as independence?
Clare 30
I think there is one big fear which keeps people from relationships: fear of our own flaws, fear of other people’s flaws. Relationships break apart our defences like nothing else, and we fear that other people will see where we feel we are inadequate, and we fear where other people will disappoint us.
Anyway, that has been my experience, and it’s something I’ve been looking at recently.
I think that the people who wind up in successful, happy relationships are not any more perfect than the rest of us, I think they are the ones who greet the flaws in themselves, and the flaws in others, with love and acceptance, all the while refining what it is they want for their own lives.
From what I’ve observed, those who are perpetually unhappy in their love lives, or who bounce from one unhappy relationship to another, do not truly have self-acceptance and self-love. And you can tell this from how they talk about others.
Gina 31
My last relationship, which ended two months ago, left me emotionally drained, so I’m taking a break and simply enjoying life. I am 50 and realize that my window of opportunity is closing the older I get, but I am enjoying being single and unattached right now. I fix myself up (some men tell me that I am attractive), go out with friends, or sometimes alone, and I enjoy myself tremendously. So even though I’m not ‘offically’ looking, I still put myself in situations where I can meet members of the opposite sex. Even if I never meet anyone, and spend the rest of my life single, at least I can say that I put myself out there. The rest is out of my control.
Gina 32
@Fiona #18. Good point. Those are valid reasons; however, some woman and men are married simply because they found someone who was the right fit at the right time. My mother used to say: “There’s somebody for everybody.” I agree, but the hard part is finding the person that is a good fit for me. No one wants to be single for the rest of their lives, but it beats being married someone one who is not a good fit. Been there and done that!
marymary 33
Mia
tha fact that you know you had thirteen dates or eight dates or nine may be where the problem lies. When I first met my boyfriend I was in a state of high anxiety not having dated for six years. i was keeping Tabs on how many dates, how many calls, how many texts. I then decided to kick back and relax. I can’t tell you how many dates we have been on. And not because its been thousands as we’ve only been dating two months or so, I forget exactly.
If we enter dating feeling defensive, afraid, cynical, mistrustful of men, or relationships, of ourselves we cant succeed. We pick the wrong ppl, or the wrong ppl pick us, or we pick a good prospect and scare them off
, or we start seeing potential too early because we want to rush to the conclusion without putting in the time effort and emotion to genuinely get to know someone.
You have to be optimistic, treat each new person as new and not a carbon copy of the men who’ve let us down before, take your time, dont get yr hopes up too early. Yes you could still get hurt and disappointed but it’s the only way it can work. And if we get hurt, we can handle it. It goes with the territory. But, oddly, when you accept that you become less likely to get hurt, not more likely.
Good men are out there. But we will never find them if we’re afraid.
and I’m forty seven so its not like I’m in the top category of desirability either.
all our attractiveness, pleasantness, femininity etc does not guarantee a good relatsionship. I’m not as beautiful as I was but this relationship is shaping up better than the ones of my twenties. Not as beautiful but smarter and definitely braver.
bon courage!
marymary 34
Karmic
to choose a relationship where you are one hundred percent certain it won’t last is a sign of fear to me.
and a twelve yr age diff isn’t even that much. I don’t know many ppl and even I know of two longterm marriages where the woman is over ten years older.
i have to declare two biases , 1. I’m fifteen yrs older than my boyfriend, who has asked me if I can see myself married. I said yes. He still took me to lunch. 2 with all my heart I believe that every human being deep down wants that lifelong love and commitment to one person. I think it’s the high point of happiness and joy. Whether we can achieve it is another matter I guess!
Karmic Equation 35
@Tom10 27 and @Susan 29
Thanks
@Tom10
When the expiration date is reached on my current relationship, I’ll let you know. Maybe we can become “virtual” friends. LOL
@marymary 34
Hmmm…Does your BF make more money than you? If yes, if he proposes, you ought to consider it. He really loves you. If you make more money than your BF, you need to be sure he isn’t looking for you to be his sugar mama. And if you marry him, make sure you have an ironclad prenup. Don’t let the romance and ego-boost of being courted by a younger man blind you to the reality that men can be gold-diggers, too.
May-December romances where the Man is December works because the May that is the woman can still bear his children. Not so if the December is the woman. Typically in a May-December relationship where the December is the woman, the woman is beyond her child-bearing years, as you and I are. I don’t know about your man, but I do know that my man would make a great father someday, and knowing who he is, he’s not going to be up for adoption, surrogacy, or in vitro children. He’ll want his children created and borne the “natural” way. It’s who he is. Knowing that, I know that my relationship with him at best is going to last until he decides he wants children.
Let’s say he never wants children…When you’re 63 your man is going to be 48. Think about that. Do you really think that a good looking man at 48 won’t look at other options when his wife is geriatric? Unless you are Raquel Welch…you’re living in a fantasy and deluding yourself.
I believe in romance. I believe in love. But I live in reality with eyes wide open.
@Mia
After I read Fiona’s posts and your answers to them, I re-read your other posts. I’m not sure you realize it, but your posts while trying to sound positive and impart your strength, have a negative vibe. Maybe it’s the words you choose (like “pathetic” and “awful” whether applying to yourself or others), or the tone of your posts (#5 “…who acts nothing but sweet, engaging, and playful and get compliments and still gets the shaft time after time”; #19 “I also know many people who have truly awful personalities who get married so let’s not act like this is a niceness contest. Please.”) — They feel negative.
It’s possible that your unconscious negativity doesn’t register with a guy until the 9th date and then it takes them several more dates to confirm their instinct..and that’s when you get the shaft. I guess the positive of your situation is that the guys you’re dating have enough respect for you and enough integrity to tell you it’s not going to work out as opposed to simply fading out of your life. Your picker’s working. You’re dating good guys. The negative of your situation is that you may want to reflect on what you do differently after the 9th date that turns guys off. Or to state that in a positive way, figure out what you are doing right in dates 1-8 and continue doing them forevermore.
If what you do in dates 1-8 is an act, and who you are after date 9 is who you really are, well, maybe you need to change your default so that you’re the date 1-8 person and not the 9+ person.
Joe 36
I’m with David T: you have to be truly happy with your single life. If you desperately want to be in a relationship, you probably give off vibes of desperation, which is something that players cue on.
@ marymary # 33: that’s a really good point–if you’re counting the number of dates before a guy bails, you’re already expecting the relationship to fail, so you shouldn’t really be surprised when it does.
Peter 37
Somebody somewhere did the math and concluded that if you reach person number 7 without finding your soulmate then settle for number 7 because no one better is coming along. & is a big enough sample of the human race. You are creating your own barriers if you haven’t found someone by number 7.
Personally I think that Schizoid Personality Disorder doesn’t get enough exposure in this sort of discussion.
Guess which Peter this is. High functioning Asperger’s anyone?
@ MAryMaary 34. 15 years age difference isn’t even a different era in music these days. I’m sure no one on the street notices. It’s the difference in life expectancy brought about by smoking cigarettes. Go for it girl!
susan 38
counting the dates. a minor epiphany for me. I’m going to blog on that! thanks!
Mia 39
While it’s charming that some here are trying to tell me about my situation without knowing about it, I can tell you that the first guy told me on out 9th date out of the blue that he hated Jewish people; the second guy told me on the 9th date that he realized he’s way too busy for a relationship bc he was working 18 hour days on a highly publicized startup ; and the most recent confessed he realized he’s not ready for the ltr I was looking for, but spoke highly of me and we have remaimed friends who have since gotten together for some outdoors activities we have in common. The first guy was a creep, the second busy. So .. Not quite getting how I could have screwed these up.
Fusee 40
@Mia #39:
Right! As if counting dates was *the* problem! Seriously people!! Just for the record, I counted my first 15-16 dates, and now after well over a year I still remember exactly was we did on each of them and what we talked about. I have a great memory and I cherish remembering those first dates : )
Now I do have a comment about the fact that you, Mia, learned about his “busyness” or “unavailability for a LTR” at date #9 or date #13. I find it really ineffective to learn such crucial information so late in the dating process. Relationship goal is a no-brainer question to ask early if you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions in the most promising men. Taking so many dates to find this information out if way too long in my opinion. Unless you want to make friends or “activity partners”.
Not saying we must ask on date #1. But if we are wise and try to reduce (fear of) heartache and burn-out, we should not date someone for weeks who does not share our goals. Or who already knows that we do not qualify for reasons such as ethnic background, religion, culture, education, etc.
For me it came out quick. At date #3, as there was need to start explaining my physical boundaries, I learned that he was open to a LTR and that he liked me enough to imagine considering one with me if everything was going to unfold well. We had not even kissed by then. That happened at date #4 : ) It took a bit longer for me to ask whether he was okay with my cultural background (I’m not an English native speaker and my whole family lives overseas, so that’s not for everyone : ). At date #15 we were in a clearly defined relationship and started being sexually intimate.
To me, dating is a discovery phase. I’m all for fun and romance, and we had plenty of these, but each date had to bring some serious information as well. I certainly like going on a date with someone promising, but I’d rather give more hours to serving my community within my volunteer group than going on multiple dates with men who are “too busy” or “not interested in a LTR”. I prefer to extract this information early and opt out accordingly. Save me much heartache and energy!
Jessica 41
Was trying to find a right place to put this…and wanted to send you a success story. I bought your book after my marriage ended but realized I didn’t need to date just yet. When I decided I was ready, I joined an online site and had fun, was frustrated, and laughed a lot. The guy I’m seeing is someone I never would have found through my search criteria he was too far away and a bit older than I was looking for (he’s 10 years older than me) He was on the featured singles near you or something. There was something about his eyes, and he had a very funny username. I read his profile and I didn’t really fit his criteria either but I thought I had to acknowledge a well written profile and I sent him an email.
We finally met a month later and had a very fun night. We laughed a lot. there is a lot that I would have discounted him on in the past and I found myself finding reasons that not to like him. But I had to remind myself of what you said that no matter what tests he goes through it doesn’t gaurantee future behavior. I am a bit insecure (aren’t we all) but then I remind myself of what you said: does he contact you every day, does he make plans for the future…and the big one? there hasn’t been a bad. I’ve told myself ignore the positive believe the negative…there hasn’t been a negative.
Last weekend after a month and a half we said we were exclusive and he gave me a some compliments that you’d approve of: awesome, fun, very sexy, great to spend time with.
I honestly have no idea if we’ll “work out” but I’ve learned I don’t have to know. I’m still evaulataing him as much as he’s evaluating me. I’m not trying to read the last page of the book anymore…I’m enjoying the story.
Thanks Evan I’m glad I didn’t let my fear of rejection cause me to reject him first, or my silly high standards keep the bar so high no one ever got in.
Anonymous 42
I am pretty sure I am going through some sort of fear, as I grow increasingly lonely day by day. I sometimes break down, sobbing, scared to death that I am going to grow old, alone and die alone. I am 41, still hoping to have a family, and in a rut. I had a very bad experience with a long distance relationship that ended in 2007.
I spent nearly 5 years on a long distance relationship, where I did most of the work to keep it going. He would forget my birthday and not send me Christmas gifts, even though I did it for him every year we were “together”. I actually met him online but we never met in person(he lives in Europe and I am in NYC). I am somewhat shy around men, but I find chatting online to be easier than talking to them in person at first.
Living on promises that he was going to move here to be with me(he professed his love for me many times) and like an idiot, I believed him and trusted in him. He forgot my birthday, again, in 2007 and then got mad when I confronted him about it, having had enough. We had an argument and then he abruptly stopped communicating with me altogether and I haven’t heard a word from him since. A bad part of this was there was no closure, as I don’t know what I did to make him start acting so mean to me during the last few months of our relationship(he maybe found another girlfriend closer to him, one he could have in the flesh.)
I do have trouble meeting men because I am a little overweight and that makes me self-conscious about my appearance. Society puts such emphasis on looks, if you don’t look the part you kinda feel inadequate or inferior. It hurts to see disappointment in a man’s eyes when he sees me for the first time, and then he acts nice and all on the date but I am not surprised when they never call again. Fear of rejection is my problem, I am sure.
When I get to know a man, and care about him, I tend to give my whole heart. I just wanted the same thing in return, for someone to care about me too. Now, I feel like a block of ice has grown over my heart. Impenetrable because I am afraid of being hurt again. I’ve dated guys in the past who didn’t treat me right, and I have been disappointed time after time after time. The guy in Europe was really someone I was sure I could settle down with. I mean, I really thought he was ‘the one’.
I don’t know how to feel now and I have pretty much become a prisoner of my own emotions as I struggle to find happiness in love, but can’t seem to take the first step to recovery by dating again. Sorry to rant so long, but I am really frightened for my future and just needed to get this out. Thanks….
marymary 43
Anon.
i suggest you visit baggage reclaim, link to the left. Lots of women there with similar experiences who are coming out the other side. It’s no bs and tough love. Be strong
Fiona 44
Anonymous, I feel sad to hear your story but unfortunately I don’t think it is a good idea to have a “virtual” relationship as you never really know who is at the other end of it. Relationships are all about connecting with people in the real world. Maybe it would help to talk to a counsellor to talk through your fears and what is stopping you from finding a relationship in the real world but please don’t waste lots of time agnonising on men you haven’t actually met.
Anonymous 45
Thanks, Fiona. Yeah, you’re 1000% right. I realized this back in 2007. The problem is my self esteem. I think I used to turn to virtual relationships because I am afraid men won’t want to bother when they see me. I wish we lived in a world where looks didn’t matter so much, a world where people would get to like someone’s insides instead of focusing so much on their outsides. Although I have been told I am pretty, I still don’t think I am pretty enough and that’s the biggest part of my problem. I am thinking about trying Match.com again, but even though my picture is up there(where i feel I don’t look so bad) I still get no emails, no winks, nothing and it just makes me feel defeated. I set up an appointment with Glamour Shots(that place where they make you look really good and take your photos) and then chickened out the day of, convinced I was going to look stupid in them when they were done. I probably should seek counseling for this, but I am unemployed right now and have no insurance, so that’s out. Thanks so much for the advice. I guess I just have to try and convince myself I am worth knowing.
Anonymous 46
@ Mary Mary thanks. I will really check that out because I think I need some help for sure thanks.
Karmic Equation 47
Anonymous
I do have trouble meeting men because I am a little overweight and that makes me self-conscious about my appearance.
You have more choices than you think, but you actually have to DO something. Hoping and wishing won’t get you what you’re looking for. And looking for it “virtually” and having a virutal, not real life, relationship is unhealthy to say the least and a waste of time…and just a little nuts. Sorry…had to say that.
Regarding meeting men when you are overweight…You actually have three choices (1) gain MORE weight so that you are attractive to “chubby chasers”, e.g., folks who are attracted to and seek relationships with overweight women…or (2) lose weight by going to the gym, dieting, etc., until you reach your goal weight…or (3) love yourself at the weight you are and adjust the expectations of the type/size/look of men with whom you want to have a relationship. If you want men to love you the way you are, you have to love men the way they are. What isn’t realistic is to hope to have a relationship with a hot man that has options if you don’t feel hot yourself.
And you absolutely have to overcome your insecurities. If you can’t work through them on your own, then buy books, read blogs, see a therapist, etc. But you *have to* overcome your insecurities to hold a man. Men will run fast and far from insecure women because insecure women always do or say things that eventually drive/scare them away.
Read this article. In fact, read the entire blog. I think you’ll find a lot of good, eye-opening info that may help you decide what is best course of action for you.
Doing nothing will get you nothing. A man HAS TO BE physically attracted to you before he will consider getting to know you better. Basically, you could be an absolute angel on the inside, but he won’t initiate contact if you don’t appeal to him visually first.
Anonymous 48
Thank you. I am already looking at the many interesting articles they have there. Thank you everyone. I really want to take a step in ‘healing’ myself and trying to have a life instead of worried about living the rest of it alone.
Nicole 49
@Mia #39…I think I’m most shocked that you kept going out with a guy who admitted to you that he was anti-Semitic. Did you seriously want to possibly marry a guy who will teach your kids to hate?
That just seems a little off to me.
Sara 50
David T (16)
I have been in a similar spot. Raised my two kids alone, so I don’t need a partner for that, I can support myself financially, so I don’t need a partner for that. I convinced myself for 10 years that I didn’t need anyone else (this after leaving a very violent man), but after 10 years alone, I’ve realized that what I really want is companionship, partnership, just having someone to talk to, and cuddle with, having someone around to care about, who will care about me. I understand the “shatterproof heart”, I’ve been there. But as content as I am single, I know that I have missed out on a lot by closing myself off.
One other thing I’d like to point out to a few people on here, Mia and Mickey in particular: I’ve read several of your posts, and you both do come across as hostile and very negative. Mia, you constantly put down other women who find good men, while talking about how much better looking you are. Looks really aren’t everything. And Mickey, I have written you off as either an internet troll, or just a very bitter man. It’s unfortunate that the two of you can’t look in the mirror. One thing I had to face up to is that in all of my bad relationships, the common denominator was me. For my entire life I’ve always been reminded that I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough. And, of course, I believed that I didn’t deserve love, although I wasn’t aware of this consciously.
After 40 years, I’ve learned that I’d rather be valued for what I have to offer than devalued for what I don’t have. I don’t have a super model body, but I have a lot of other assets. Consequently, I don’t compare myself to other women anymore.
The impression that I get from most of the posts is that people (primarily the women) are trying to figure out what the other wants so that they can BECOME that.
I can handle being alone, and I can accept my imperfections, but anyone who wants to be with me would also have to.
Mickey 51
Sara 50:
To that I can only say: opinions are like noses – everyone’s got one.
Karl R 52
Mickey said: (#11)
“At this point in time, if a guy even attempts to approach a woman for friendship, dating, companionship, etc., it is more likely than not that the approach will be met with a harsh smackdown. I’ve seen this happen too many times over the years to believe otherwise now.”
Perhaps you (or the men you’re observing) need to change the way they approach women. Every time I’ve approached a woman in person (since I left high school), my advance was either accepted or politely declined. When I did online dating, I also had a number of times where I received no response.
Given the likely outcomes (“yes”, no answer, polite “no thanks”) there just wasn’t anything to be afraid of.
Mickey,
If women are consistently smacking you down for asking them out, either you’re encountering a completely different population than I am, or you’re approaching them in a way that causes them to be a lot more antagonistic towards you than they would be in normal circumstances.
Sara 53
Mickey, If you go around with a chip on your shoulder and constantly tell people what a “whore” your wife was, and how women just want “blah,blah,blah”, pretty much all women with whom you come into contact are going to come to the same conclusion. You come on a site allegedly created to give women advice on how to find a good man, and make those kinds of statements, and it really is not attractive at all. So, my question to you is “why bother?” If you want to know what it is you are doing wrong, you’ve been told. If you simply want to be pandered to, why don’t you go to some misogynistic site dedicated to men who hate their “whore” ex-wives, and leave us alone?
Mickey 54
Sara:
I don’t have an ex-wife; I’ve never been married. Anyway, as I’ve mentioned before, as politically correct as it is in this day and age to demonize men just for being men, it’s a little hard for me to turn the other cheek.
As to your question “why bother?” rest assured, I don’t.
Sara 55
Mickey,
My mistake, I was under the impression that you had referred to your exwife as a “whore”, however, not all women demonize men. Considering there have been several statements made publicly this year by male politicians and, most recently a judge, that women’s bodies have ways to avoid rape, I think it’s the other way around. In any case, a website to help women find relationships with men is hardly frequented by women who demonize men. I’m bisexual, but prefer relationships with men. If I had a choice, why would I choose “evil” men?
As to my “Why bother?” question, you misunderstood. Why do you bother coming onto this site, a relationship site FOR WOMEN (allegedly as I’ve said before, since men also frequent this site) to state over and over how you don’t bother with relationships, and make it a point to tell other men not to bother, when they clearly are looking for relationships? Why do you bother? That you do tells me that you are hoping to find some woman who will pity you, accept your bitterness and verbal attacks, and be your doormat. Or, as I’ve said before, you are simply an internet troll. I’m asking you why you bother because I am genuinely curious. With everything I’ve been through, I could hate men with a coldness deeper than your hatred for women, but I don’t. I have two brothers, and I know several other (happily married) men, who are decent, good, kind, gentle men, and I know better than to believe that all men are the scum of the earth.
So, Mickey, why do you bother coming to this site?
Mickey 56
Sara:
That’s a fair question. My answer is I read the interesting posts and sometimes put my two cents in. I have no ulterior motive.
Mickey 57
Karl said (#52):
“If women are consistently smacking you down for asking them out, either you’re encountering a completely different population than I am, or you’re approaching them in a way that causes them to be a lot more antagonistic towards you than they would be in normal circumstances.”
Not really, Karl. My observation over the years has led me to believe that the majority of women tend to assume the worst of men, and their reactions tend to bear that out more often than not. Thus, since I’ve long since lost hope that I can ever find a happy ending in the dating farce, I don’t bother approaching knowing that rejection is a given.
Mickey 58
Sara 55:
I guess one man’s realism is automatically your idea of trolling. Oh well…