Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?

Evan Marc Katz

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is sweet, patient, loving, and all the things you can ask for in a BF/Husband. One issue is that my sex drive is higher than his. I’d say I’m at an 8-9 and he would be at a 4. On an average, we probably have sex 5-9 times a month. We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel. It’s THAT BAD. Now I feel that we have just become best friends who live together and once in awhile sleep together. When we do have sex, sometimes I feel my mind thinking elsewhere. I believe I have programmed my brain to not want to have sex just so that I don’t feel lonely and rejected when he says he’s not in the mood. I think I lost that spark and special connection with my boyfriend who I love VERY, VERY much. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m happy almost every day because of it. What do I do? Is sex something worth breaking up over??? –Sexually Deprived Female

While I’ve tackled another version of this question before, I think it’s a subject worth revisiting since there are three times more people reading this blog now than a few years ago…

And although I’ll weigh in with my normal blend of facts, reason and personal anecdotes, I’d really like to hear from you in the comments below.

Is sex something worth breaking up over?

You’re not wrong or shallow to ask the question. After all, if you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’d better be content.

Which is why I would never advocate that anyone marry a man where there’s ZERO attraction “just because he’s nice”. A guy’s gotta be able to turn you on and be a good, game and giving lover – otherwise, you will be perpetually dissatisfied.

The question YOU’RE posing, SDF, is a slight twist on that.

It’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material.

See, you have the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet, patient, loving and he’s continually demonstrated his worth over the course of three years.

His only flaw is that he’s got an average sex drive while you have a high sex drive.

It seems to me that the only person who can really answer the question as to whether you should break up with this man is YOU.

People impose arbitrary dealbreakers all the time. We can quibble about which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t, but ultimately, it’s subjective. And my subjective judgment probably doesn’t mean all that much to you if you feel sexually deprived if you’re not having sex 5 times a week.

Listen, you’re not alone. In the past month, I’ve had two clients tell me, point-blank, that nightly sex was important to them and has been a dealbreaker for them before. That’s their right. It’s also my right to point out that it’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material. If you have to choose one to marry, I’d choose the guy who is marriage material. But that’s just me.

Alas, the invariable blowback from the gallery is “Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I get BOTH? Why do I have to compromise on something so important to me?”

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Related Posts:

1. How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?
2. Should I Stick Around If My Boyfriend’s Sex Drive Is Gone?

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92 Comments »Filed Under Sex

92 Responses to “Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?”

1. my honest answer 1

   Anything is worth breaking up over if it’s important to you. So all that matters is whether she can live, happily, with this level of sex. It’s a simple yes or no question for me.

2. Steve 2

   The age of the couple involved was not mentioned.   Maybe there is a medical issue to be resolved?  Vigorous weight training can increase testosterone and libido.  So can improved nutrition.   So can injecting some variety( change of look, venue, etc ).  IMO if the partner is not willing to try these things then there is a a problem.
    
   Like EMK said, guys with high libidos are common, so maybe you can find a guy with a high libido who has at least several of the other qualities you like in your BF.

3. Lily2 3

   6-9 times a month?! That is normal/average for most long term couples, and pretty darn good for parents of young children. If she said they rarely had sex i would agree they may not be compatible. I’d suggest she look a little deeper into herself, there may be more going on for her it sounds to me like frequency is not the real issue.

4. Jennifer 4

   I think someone who is such great husband material would recognize the importance of this issue and  try to find ways to try to satisfy her without sacrificing himself. A simple ‘i don’t feel like it so it’s not happening’ isn’t a good problem-solving model for a couple, no matter what the problem is.

5. Ruby 5

   As Steve said, medical or psychological tests might be in order, but if her boyfriend isn’t interested in working on this, it will only get worse. First, rule out the obvious causes: low testosterone level, medications the boyfriend is taking, alcohol abuse. Couples therapy may be in order. I’m also wondering how old they are, and if the boyfriend has always been this way. After 3 years together, sex is only going to get less and less frequent over time. And yes, I’ve known couples who have broken up over this issue – in two of the cases, one of the partners turned out to be gay. It’s not just the physical act of sex that is missing, it’s the physical closeness, bonding, and intimacy. 

6. Erinlee 6

   If my boyfriend wanted to break up with me because my libido wasn’t as high as his, I’d be heartbroken.  I would hope he would find some way to talk to me about it that would let me know how important it is to him, instead of just breaking it off with me.  It sounds like she has had multiple discussions with him about this, but maybe he doesn’t know just how serious it is for her.  Maybe if he knew she was considering ending the relationship, he would be more willing to compromise and find a way for their sex life to be mutually satisfying.  It would be a shame to end a good thing over something like this, that’s a lot of time and emotion invested, I would try my best to make it work. 

7. Saint Stephen 7

   Buy a vibrator. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship.

8. Janice 8

   ‘Course you could always turn the situation around and stop having sex with him altogether. Just take care of yourself as often as you need to. Bet you’d have an interesting conversation after that. Find some middle ground in between your two positions.

9. Abby 9

   Here is the honest answer…….It may not sound all nice and pretty but this is it:

   She did not mention their ages and that is a huge factor so I will give 2 answers based on age.  If she is a female that is already in her mid 30′s and they are planning on getting engaged and she wants kids, she should stick with him.  He has wonderful qualities that would make for a great husband and she does not have the time to risk the break up and finding another person IF kids are important!  Fertility drops for a woman at 35!

   However, if she is in her 20′s (or even 30 aprox) and has the time, she should LEAVE!!!!  Seriously, sex IS important.  It is obv very important to her or she would not have written the letter.  Leave and find someone that rocks your world in the bedroom and makes you feel hot and desired!!!!  And he can also be a nice guy   Compromise is necessary (as Evan says) but don’t compromise on the sex.  It does not sound like you want to and I don’t think you should. 

   Unfortunately women do have to think about their age which is why I gave 2 different answers.

   Good luck!!!

10. Mike 10

    While i think breaking up here would be pretty selfish and self defeating… i do think that the guy could obviously try to mitigate this by using alternative methods. He doesn’t need to always ‘rise to the occasion’. he could go down on her, or use an assortment of toys to help her along.

    that being said, i’ve had my share of arguments with feminists declaring in uncertain terms that a woman’s vagina is not the property of the boyfriend and not there just to sexually service a penis at his every whim. i wonder what they would say in this situation. is he only a penis to service her or a full person (and apparently exceptional one from her descrip of him)

    easy answer is to just let hubby know when you’re horny and tell him you’ll bake him a nice cake or his favorite dish if he helps you reach the big O. just joking about the cake part… if he cares about you, he’ll want you to be pleasured.

11. Valley Forge Lady 11

    I am willing to wager tht you have not discussed this with your BF.  Perhaps you are practicing here to see what the market considers reasonable.

    I recommend that you spice things up!  There is so much stress these days that it is  affecting everyone and the bedroom is really catching it too!

    Making the effort to heat up the    sex is  a lot easier than replacing a good man!  

12. Sherel 12

    I agree with Abby but will add one more age if you are over 45 and both of you have grown kids. I have a very high sex drive, always have and I was married for 9 years to someone that had a very low sex drive. Granted I am older and wiser and realize that you can not get everything out of a relationship, but with kids out the way now I am glad that my current SO has a drive closer to mine. When my kids were young I was OK with less sex, too tired to matter, but now it is a very different situation.

13. Simple lady 13

    I am experiencing this issue at the moment with my bf. We are both on mid 30′s no children at all. We are living together for more than a year. I tried all my best to help him but hes not into it. I told him that I am sexually frustrated and unsatisfied. He told me that hes tired and working long hours and he is not horny as me. He always says just help yourself if you want. He is also a loving bf but his libido is very low and not even willing to do something about it. Sometimes, I was thinking to find another man but im afraid he might be as loving as my current one but at the en dof the day I feel very unhappy when it comes to bed. Dont also know what to do if I will take the risk of looking for another man. 

14. helene 14

    This is a subject very close to my heart – I ended up leaving BOTH my husbands over this issue. I’m not looking for sex every night, but I am looking for someone who will meet me half way, and it doesn’t sound as though this girl’s “wonderful” boyfriend is doing that. She says they have fought about it many times, since early in the relationship which means a) the subject has been broached and B) sadly, nothing has changed. Unfortunately, this is very common in a situation where the man has a lower sex drive than the woman – she becomes unhappy, she raises the issue, he does not respond to her unhappiness with any kind of compromise. There are many women who have sex more often than they would naturally choose to in order to keep their partner happy and their relationship healthy, but men just don’t do that. I participated in an online forum for couples with clashing libidos for a couple of years and this point emerged very clearly. So the OP has to take on board that THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.
    Ultimately, for me, the problem became not so much the lack of sex but the fact that my partner was not prepared to  take my unhappiness into account, irrespective of the particular issue involved(in this case, sex). Realising that your partner simply does not care as long as he can stay in his comfort zone erodes a relationship to the point where it becomes unsustainable. It is extremely hard to leave a man you love (and desire sexually) because of this issue, but the longer you leave it the more you are investing in a relationship that is ultimately going to crumble anyway – no relationship can survive in a healthy form with such a major defect at its core.

15. AQ 15

    To me 2X per week is okay. However, I wonder about the quality – is she satisfied in those times? If it is good and everything else is good I agree with Stephen in #7. 

16. Goldie 16

    @ Mike #10, I admit I haven’t argued with the feminists, but pretty sure the majority of women that are married/in LTRs, habitually meet their husbands or BF’s halfway and have sex when they don’t really feel the urge to. Like Helene said, they’re doing it to keep their husbands happy and the relationship healthy. There’s always a middle ground and most couples manage to find theirs.
     
    @ Valley Forge Lady #11, the OP says they have discussed it so many times, she’s given up because discussing it usually gets her nowhere.
     
    We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel.
    

    
    Personally I find his reaction a bit surprising, given that it is coming from a man who is the OP’s “best friend”. I thought friends helped each other out, no? Not drawing any conclusions, just trying to wrap my head around it… can’t he ever say yes for a change??
    

17. Renee 17

    It’s a coincidence that this is the topic. I’ve just ended a relationship due to this matter. I addressed the issue early on, and at first he seemed open but later became angry and unresponsive. I understand that this is a tender subject with men, but I feel it is important for both parties to do what it takes to satisfy the other because if you’re not going to make the effort with the one you love then what’s the point? He was getting the emotional connection that he sought; however, my needs were not being met. It began to strain the relationship, and the more I brought it up, the angrier he would become. Honestly, it wasn’t worth fighting about. The energy that was invested in arguing about it could have easily been spent in a more constructive way. It was sad to leave because I felt that it was a shallow decision, but I began to feel lonely and rejected and couldn’t take it anymore. Good luck to you! No matter what you choose, it won’t be easy.

18. Craig 18

    It is certainly something that can be a deal breaker in a relationship. In my opinion this is one of the most important parts of a relationship as it is a way in which people can share a connection with one another.

19. sharon 19

    @AQ

    It’s not the lack of orgasm. I’m sure she could take care of it herself. It’s being made to feel undesirable with seems to be killing her libido when he is into it. Regardless it’s not a good sign if a guy only wants sex twice a week.
     

20. Sara 20

    Evan- i agree with most of your advice, most of the time, but not now. Compromising on sex is not the same as compromising on education, religion, height, age, etc. It is something that deeply affects a relationship everyday. Being sexually compatible sets the tone for the entire relationship. Most discord in any relationship has it’s roots in the woman’s sexual dissatisfaction.  If you don’t believe me, read any of Diana Richardson’s books, namely, Tantric Orgasm For Women. Also, you implied a couple of times in your response that this woman wants sex every night….I never heard her say that. She certainly wants more sex than she’s getting and that is a serious issue. In this day and age, women are sexually empowered. If she stays in the relationship and is perpetually dissatisfied, sooner or later she will seek out a lover elsewhere, and who would blame her? 
    And a note to Saint Stephen… hello…. a vibrator just doesn’t cut it. Your comment is clueless, and an insult to us women.
     

21. AQ 21

    Wowza Sara – Every woman wants GREAT GREAT sex – especially tantra and all of that. I think there is a bell curve for what is okay to great – but there is certainly bad where “he comes first” and that is it. Blucko. 

    Raise your standards, girls!! I mean bottom line is that he has an interest and also wants to have great sex and please his partner.

    I am wondering if he is really tired from work – like really stressed or working too many hours? Or if he is working out a whole lot. Those things can really affect a relationship. 

22. Lynn 22

    I really like the photo illustrating this blog post.  Good photography and good looking models who are not model-perfect.

23. BeenThruTheWars 23

    @Sara 20, I’m a woman, and that was my first thought – she should go to goodvibrations.com.  I totally agree with Saint Stephen and didn’t feel the least bit insulted.  If the writer has 80% or more of what she’s looking for in a husband, she ought to thank her lucky stars.  There is no such thing as 100% compatibility in every area.  And to those suggesting the man should “do something” about his lesser sex drive, that’s like saying he should “do something” about his nationality or height.  Once you rule out medical problems, you have to face the fact that some people are going to want a lot of sex and some simply don’t.  If you can’t deal with that, leave.  Only she can decide. 

24. xz 24

    I would highly recommend reading “Mars and Venus in the bedroom” by John Gray. It can provide some new insights to you. Oh, and BTW, your boyfriend can up the ante a bit. Sometimes, you guys can just have some foreplay and then he can just help you have an orgasm and that would be fine. Since you already have a higher sex drive, you would probably need less foreplay. 

25. Katarina Phang 25

    That was the story of my marriage as well.  Like everyone has said, sex is one of the pillars of healthy relationship (the others are chemistry, communication and compatibility).  It’s HUGE.  If one pillar is wobbly, it can’t sustain the relationship for long.

    When sex works it’s 10% of relationship -so yes, it’s not everything.  But when it doesn’t, it becomes 90%.  Because it’s one of the pillars. 

    And no, please…. sex in relationship isn’t replaceable by vibrators.  You don’t emotionally bond with your vibrator but you need to bond with your partner through sex.  If not relationship rots over time.  Slowly but surely.

    Only marry those whom you are sexually compatible with.  Those who belittle your sex drive and take it personally that you want more than they do are not worth your salt in the long run.  It’s a major red flag. They’re not wrong for not wanting as much sex as you, they are just wrong for you.  Everyone’s needs are different.

    Granted, to have all the pillars sound and strong is mighty difficult.  It’s rare to find someone you can feel right in all those areas at the same time.  But if you want longevity in your relationship, never settles.  It’ better to be alone now than being stuck in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you.  It’s damned if you stay, damned if you leave.  The worst feeling ever.

    I make a promise to myself, no matter how much I like/love a guy, if our sex life isn’t up to my minimum standard, he’s out.  I’d rather date many guys and experience different guys sexually than being in a monogamous relationship that doesn’t fulfill me sexually.  It just won’t work.

26. pd 26

    I think any person, male or female, finds the lack of sex or disinterest in sex a deal breaker in the relationship long term. The lack of closeness, bonding and satisfaction with your partner will drive you apart if you can’t find some sort of middle ground where both partners needs are being met.

    We don’t know if there is any sort of medical issue with her boyfriend but if she has been fighting with him about this for several years there is a problem.
     
    It depends how much she acutally loves him. Sex is always the cherry on top of the cake and there is so much more to loving your partner than just sex.
    What would she do if something happened to her boyfriend and sex was not possible anymore? An accident or medical issue? Would she dump the guy or do what lots of other people do who really love their partner. stay with them and do what it takes to make them happy no matter what?
    After all, it’s not their fault.
    A friend’s wife has Parkinsons disease and sex is no longer possible. He does go out with occasionally other women very discreetly but still loves his wife and would never do anything to hurt her and would never leave her. Is what he is doing wrong? He is just taking an occasional break from having to watch his wife die a little more every day.
    Sometimes life sucks!

    So, what’s important in the long run?

27. Debbie 27

    Funny this is the second time I have checked out this blog that relates directly to my current situation. I am a woman in my late 30s that would love sex twice a week….but because of my BFs low sex drive I’ve compromised to once a week and he can’t even handle that on a consistent basis…..we’ve had so many discussions its crazy. It’s only been two years and it really pains me to break up over this but I’ve come to the realization this is a larger issue w him re intimacy problems. He is very affectionate and leaves I love you notes for me to try to make up for it but I also want to feel wanted and desired. Been told I look great for my age so it isn’t like I am bad to look at. I’ve stayed knowing that you do need to compromise but the sacrifice to your self esteem still ends up eroding the relationship. It will only get worse.

28. Joe 28

    SDF: if he boned you an extra 2x a week just because you wanted some, even though he didn’t really want some, would you be satisfied?

29. Steve 29

    I wouldn’t tell a man who wasn’t getting enough sex to just suck it up and I wouldn’t tell it to a woman.  Like it or not, a sex life is a big part of a relationship and it has to work for both people for the relationship to be happy.
     
    I also wouldn’t tell someone who wants sex more than most people that they have an abnormally high drive.   Vice-versa for “low drive” people.  If that is their biochemistry, that is normal for them.   Their challenge is to find a partner who matches up with them.
     
    Several people have posted accounts of lower sex drive BFs.  I take it these are not men in their 20s or 30s?   Why do there seem to be so many?   I know women peak near their 40s.   As a group they also tend to take better care of their health than men at that age.
     
    I’m tempted to think hard work schedules and stress play a part, but women work now too.  I’ve heard married women with jobs and kids complain that those two endeavors kill their mood.   Maybe some women with lighter jobs or jobs that give them energy are pairing up with guys whose careers sap theirs?    Then there is boredom with a particular partner.
     
    Outside of those things there are the ordinary factors of poor nutrition, lack of exercise,  higher weights, lack of adequate sleep, etc.
     
    Did I miss anything in terms of what might account for a low libido?
     

30. Mike 30

    @Goldie #16

    Oh i agree, if he doesn’t want to meet her halfway and try the other things as i discussed, then no matter what his feelings towards her, hes being callous towards her predicament and she would then be in her right to leave.

    But if he did meet her part way, but it wasn’t intercourse, would that be acceptable? I do recall not too long ago seeing another post with women seething about the prospects of some guy leaving his LTR because the girl decided to find religion and put a stop to sex until marriage. I recall many protestations to the mere possibility that the guy ‘might’ leave her due to lack of sex.

    It’s just always funny to see the many reactions to the plethora of life’s problems when faced from a different point of view.

31. JB 31

    Does she work out? If she’s heavier than she was when they started the relationship, that can cause a lack of desire for her BF.

32. Katarina Phang 32

    My experience with a low libido guy, it’s not just about quantity but also quality of the sex sucked.  Low libido guys are usually lazy in bed and not a pleaser.  They just wanted to go through with the motion and be over with (not unlike women who have sex out of obligation), and really there is not much a woman can do about this.  I’m eager to please the man I love, but men don’t always have the same mentality.

    Especially when they know they are being “demanded” to do so.  Guys tend to go the opposite direction what women want them to do.  It’s about sense of being in control with them.

    This is why I don’t recommend waiting for sex.  For what, exactly?  The sooner you know you two are a match or not in bed, the better.

    Seriously, you can’t go into a relationship expecting a guy to change because he won’t.  Just find one who matches you in the most significant ways.  And don’t give away your heart too early and easily, it’s hard to get out when you’re too deep in the game already. 

33. Nicole 33

    @Mike, I agree.
    I venture to guess that if this letter was written and the roles were reversed, many of my fellow women would be up in arms about the man’s superficiality and shallowness, and likely be calling him a callous sex fiend.  (And we know that porn would be out of the question b/c too many feel that it is “cheating” and unnecessary).    
    Too many people seem to think that everything that a woman wants is always right, but when a man wants the same things, it is wrong.  
    Just my own observation b/c I’m all about equality and dislike hypocrisy about things like this.
    I do know women who have had this problem but in the end, the relationships that were very strong in other ways endured, and the ones that had other problems fizzled.  This guy sounds like a keeper but it does sound like he has a hard time talking to her/hearing her on this issue.  I’m not even sure he has to try to change so much as CHANGE the way he responds, which I think will make her feel less that this is some kind of rejection of her as a woman, which I don’t think it is.   
    Sometimes all people need to know is that you HEAR them.   

34. Les 34

    Although I sympathize with the OP, I wonder how reasonable her expectations are. If you are doing it 9 times a month, you’re basically already having sex every third to fourth day, which sounds pretty reasonable to me – it’s not like you are having it once a month. 

    I also think that many women are unfair to normal men with lower sex drives (and I’m not referring to women who are with incompatible low libido men as some of the posts suggest). It’s not really fair to tell the guy that he needs to compromise and try to have more sexy when the woman does little to compromise (and sorry, but not broaching the issue and becoming distant is not compromise). It’s understanding where the guy is coming from and trying to find a happy compromise – same as we’d want the guy to do. And let’s not forget good old biology – a woman does not need to be physically aroused to have sex but a man does. It’s really not as simple as saying “up” so I don’t feel like the comparison between men and women is equal here. 

    Actually, most of the women that I know could stand to have more sex, I def can. But I realize that this might not be a reasonable expectation, and I would gladly give up a great guy who makes me feel valued that I have sex with only every third or fourth day for the possibility of finding one who wants it every day AND is a great guy.  

35. Gem 35

    If sex drives or styles are mismatched to the point where someone is unhappy in the relationship, then yes, the issue is big enough to consider leaving.

    The OP should ask herself this question: If our sex life stayed exactly like it is now for the rest of our lives, can I live with it, and would I be happy and fulfilled?

    If she can’t make peace with it, she has a serious problem and, imo, should consider leaving.

    MIGHT it change? Sure it might for the better or WORSE. His drive may fall lower, what then? If he is doing nothing now (only 3 years in and not married yet) to improve this part of their relationship, imagine what the future may hold.

    Just sayin’

36. Ann 36

    Les@34: Oh, you are going to get some grief from women because you said that a woman does not have to be physically aroused to have sex. She does if she doesn’t want it to be PAINFUL. So yes please–let’s NOT forget good old biology. A woman DOES have to be aroused for sex to happen and not feel like sandpaper on the privates.

37. Ann 37

    Sigh. One other thought. Les’ comment is why women hate porn. It teaches men really wrong things about the way the female body functions.

38. Nadia Shore 38

    Wow. Since when is 6-9 x a month considered a low libido? It sounds pretty normal to me. In fact, he sounds pretty wonderful and if she’s done with him, I’d sure like to meet him. 

39. That East Asian Man 39

     
    Dear SDF.  Your boyfriend has given you two gifts.  Although it may not seem so now, each of these gifts is truly wonderful.  You are lucky to have received them.  Perhaps with the perspective of time, you will understand.
     
    The first gift is the knowledge that you enjoy having lots of sex with a man that you have feelings for.  If your boyfriend had shared this quality, you might have thought that your feelings for him allowed you to enjoy his strong sexual appetite.  But because your boyfriend does not share this quality, you know now that you have a strong sexual appetite of your own.  Self-knowledge is important and will help you in the future, whether you are with this boyfriend or another.
     
    The second gift is the opportunity to resolve a conflict with your boyfriend.  For the issue here isn’t really about sex at all – it’s about the fact that you and you boyfriend do not agree on something that is important to you.  Next time, the issue could be how to spend your holiday bonus money, or the best way to raise a child.  So, at this time, and in this place, you get a chance to practice resolving a conflict with a man that you have feelings for, and who has feelings for you in return.   By practicing these skills now, you will enable yourself to have the kind of relationship that you deserve, where you and your man can resolve conflicts in a way that benefits both of you. 
     
    I wish you all of the best in your path towards this beautiful future.
     

40. Katarina Phang 40

    Ugh…#39, if she’s not fulfilled sexually, the issue is really sex.  Sex is a real thing in itself.  It’s not just about physical gratification but also emotional connection.  

    Again, there is no right or wrong…if someone is not happy with 6-9 times a month (and remember, quantity is one thing, quality is another: 3 min/session is hardly good sex, I would in fact consider it sexless no matter if you have that twice a week -yeah 6 mins/week, pretty generous right? ), she’s not happy and she should find someone who can give her what she wants/needs. 

    Unfortunately, as millions of couples have attested, there is no way around it.  Sexual incompatibility is very destructive to relationship.  Avoid it at all costs.  You can’t reason through it, eventually your emotions will take charge. 

41. Katarina Phang 41

    Remember, you have about 12 hrs waking hours to dwell on and resent the fact that you’re feeling neglected and rejected.  Imagine doing this for the rest of your life.  Any wonder why most high-libido spouses can’t put up with this anymore or how sour their relationships become after a period of time?

42. Saint Stephen 42

    Sex do not sustain a relationship- character does. Too much good sex would easily make for a toxic relationship, but not a healthy one.
    Even couples who enter marriage being sexually compatible still fall incompatible along the line.
     
    I know a married couple with incompatible sex drive, but in this case it happens to be the man with the higher sex drive. While sex meant so much to the guy, he didn’t break up with her b/c he knew he had found a “rare gem.” He resorted to masturbation.
     
    The LW could dump him and look for someone with a high libido. But what happens if she suddenly gets a condition that hinders her from having sex? Would she want her high libido partner to simply rely on the strength of her character and continue loving her? or should he look for someone else who now seems to match his sexual appetite? The answer she would pick is the action i recommend for her.
     

43. Greg 43

    Katarina, I would never want to be in a relationship with someone like you.  All you ever think about is what the other person can do for you, what you can take.  Sex is important but its not everything.  What if your spouse gets into an accident or has a medical condition that forever alters their sex life?  Would you leave them? That sounds selfish.  Anyways peoples sex drives change over time as they age.  So even if you think that you’re sexually compatible in the beginning things can change over time and with age.

44. Mike 44

    @ nicole#33 & les#34

    Agree with you ladies wholeheartedly. Appreciate your thoughts.

    @ gem#35

    “If sex drives or styles are mismatched to the point where someone is unhappy in the relationship, then yes”

    I’m not disagreeing, but you now realize that you are advocating for many thousands of marriages to end because the guy isn’t getting the amount of sex or gratification as he likes from his wife/sig.other. Do realize that women with high sex drives like hers are more rare than guys with low libido’s.. so if your tune is that if it’s really crappy that she’s only getting it almost twice a week so she should leave (i hear tons of married men crying at that statement).. then apply it equally eh’

    @ K.phang#40

    See above comment to #35

    @ ann#36, 37

    A non aroused woman can still perform the act, it happens all the time. Oh and ps-i learned everything about pleasing a woman by watching porn. It just so happened that i watch euro erotica, and lesbian flix, not the crap produced by north american companies. my former wife told me after our first couple of nights together that all men should watch the kind of porn i did because it obviously taught me what to look for in a woman’s body language during lovemaking.

    And i guess it goes a really long way in helping if the guy actually cares about you vs. wanting to just pump and dump you.

    At the end of the day, if the guy is really not willing to do anything about it then yes, i’d say drop him. But if he really is dead tired from working hard to try and provide for them, still managing to do it 2x a week, is a great, sweet, considerate man, and is good in bed, and this still isn’t good enough for you? i say cut him loose and roll the bones, but better to cut it with him now so he can find someone who appreciates what he can offer instead of trying to have him satiate the insatiable.

45. nathan 45

    I have been following this thread, but holding back on commenting until now because I don’t think this is a clear cut issue.
    Having been with a partner who rarely was into sex, I feel some sympathy for the OP. It can lead to frustration and self-doubt for even the most healthy and confident person. It seems to me that at this point, she has adapted to her situation in a way that simply increases her pain and suffering, something I remember doing in my own relationship.
    On the other hand, like a few other commenters, 5-9 times a month doesn’t sound like a “low sex drive” at all. For most of the 3 years of the relationship I spoke of above, I was lucky if we had sex a few times a month. And then, it often felt like she wasn’t into it much, or was somehow conflicted. Now, it’s important to note that there were many other issues between her and I that led to the end of the relationship, and frankly I wonder if there are other issues the OP isn’t telling us about.
    While Katarina focuses on sexual incompatibility here, I’m not convinced it’s simply that. It’s really easy to fixate on a lack of sex, or good sex, when the whole house of cards is collapsing around you. I’ve been there. Many of you have probably been there. You love someone. You are attached to them. And have turned your back on issues that are scary or anger-provoking, but which need to be addressed. It’s rarely just about sex if you’ve been together for multiple years, but the quality of and quantity of sex can speak volumes about other problems.
     
     

46. Gem 46

    I said: “If sex drives or styles are mismatched to the point where someone is unhappy in the relationship, then yes”
    Mike #44 said:

    I’m not disagreeing, but you now realize that you are advocating for many thousands of marriages to end because the guy isn’t getting the amount of sex or gratification as he likes from his wife/sig.other. Do realize that women with high sex drives like hers are more rare than guys with low libido’s.. so if your tune is that if it’s really crappy that she’s only getting it almost twice a week so she should leave (i hear tons of married men crying at that statement).. then apply it equally eh’

    Although my statement was general, no, I’m not speaking across the board for every relationship including married people.

    I’m talking about THIS situation. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this guy. He’s been this way since they met! It’s who he is. They fought throughout their first year about it. Maybe she thought he’d change and stuck it out because of all his other great qualities but he didn’t change and 3 years later it’s the same. He doesn’t deserve to be made to feel like he’s lacking something. She stayed and wants him to change the way he is. That’s not fair.

    Look at the results:

    She doesn’t initiate sex because she fears rejection.

    She always feels neglected.

    Her mind drifts during sex.

    She’s programmed her brain not to want sex.

    She’s lost the spark for him.

    Doesn’t sound like a fun relationship now…..imagine if they married???

    Let me repeat! I don’t think there is anything wrong with this guy (maybe there is, IDK, but he’s not her project to fix and so far, he’s not copping to any problem anyway.

    So yeah, I do think this is good enough reason to leave. They are only 3 years in and have had this issue from the beginning. Should she TRY to be happy because his libido matches the average out there?

    My advice was to get real with herself and ask herself if she could make peace with his drive the way it is. If so, let it go and stop pouting, and stop making his lower drive evidence of something wrong with her.

    If she can’t do that, then, hell yes, consider leaving. Why stay and give herself and this guy grief for years to come. Find someone who is more compatible.

47. Goldie 47

    Gem may be on to something. As is That East Asian Man #39. If they have spent three years trying to resolve a conflict about something that is supposed to be fun and mutually enjoyable, imagine what will happen if they disagree on how to spend money or raise their kids. Yes unfortunately it does sound like leaving may be an option.
     
    To the multiple commenters who brought up the old hypothetical, What if he gets into an accident and cannot have sex at all… you guys don’t understand the difference between having to take care of someone who is genuinely sick, or an accident victim, and having to accommodate a healthy man in his prime who just doesn’t feel like doing extra work (and I don’t just mean in bed — neither do I just mean this couple — I’m speaking in general). If a young, healthy person cannot lift a finger to meet their partner halfway, and cannot give a valid reason why, this is not going to be a good marriage — better cut the losses now before it’s too late.
     
    PS 9 times/month would be enough for me too, but I have a full-time job and kids. If I were in my 20s without children… those nine times better be pretty darn good!!
     
    PPS. Many years ago, I talked to a man online — older man in his 50s or 60s — who told us that his sex drive had hit rock bottom because of prescription meds. However, he added that, to keep his wife happy and satisfied, he was doing the best he could, in any way he could, even if and when he didn’t feel like it. Just sayin’. IMO this is what couples do for each other. I’ve done it too.

48. Katarina Phang 48

    Greg, you don’t know me…so please reserve your judgment.  It’s uncalled for. I’m a very giving person (I supported my husband and gave and gave and gave in my marriage) and trying to make him happy was all I could think of.  And that’s why a lot of women become unhappy: because their men aren’t as giving as we are, but I digress.

    Sexual incompatibility is real, your ignorance is mind-boggling. And as Goldie said, medical conditions are one thing.  Having a healthy person as your partner who doesn’t bother to do the work to make you happy every now and then is another.   My case was the latter and I’m not going to get into that situation again.

49. Hadley Paige 49

    When does the conversation start about what part of this  “boyfriend problem” that the OP has is a result of her failure to be attractive, stay attractive, create sexual excitement.
    Don’t know how hot she is; what her personality is like; or how randy she is in bed, but  regardless she’s got to own some of this problem.  An overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit ain’t that tantalizing after the novelty sex wears off.

50. Mike 50

    @ Gem #46

    “If she can’t do that, then, hell yes, consider leaving. Why stay and give herself and this guy grief for years to come. Find someone who is more compatible.”

    As i qualified my remarks earlier by starting with “I’m not disagreeing,..” what we’re all really admitting to here is:

    1. Evan’s comments are spot on. She need’s to choose to accept this or let the poor guy go now.
    2. That her decision may cost her a partner whom she will not find the same good qualities in with a higher libido. Is it possible? Sure, but it’s a roll of the dice at that point and she’ll need to live with this choice with no expectation of coming back to it if it backfires.
    3. That a person’s sexual drive and lack of available sex within a relationship to match that drive is grounds for breaking up what otherwise is a perfectly good relationship, and what is good for the goose is good for the gander, regardless of which sex is pulling the trigger.
    4. Acknowledging that there is a stereotype that if a man leaves his partner because she is not giving him enough sex (to match his drive) then hes a selfish prick that’s only looking out for his own needs and thinks his sig. other is just there to service him.

    I’m all for being straight up and honest at the start. In fact, my online profile specifically states that i enjoy a healthy sexual relationship and expect my partner to keep up. This is a deal breaker for me, and i won’t tolerate anyone who would use sex as a means of extortion or as a means to attain something. This is to weed them out early on. Because once you’re married, and your partner 180′s and closes up shop, what recourse do you have? Cheat? Divorce? Don’t get married?

    Ill go for option 3 thank you.
    

51. Jennifer 51

    @Hadley #49- given that the OP said they’ve been having this issue since the first year of their relationship, and assuming that her boyfriend was pleased enough with her looks to get into a serious relationship with her in the first place, it’s probably not an issue of her letting herself go.

52. Jennifer 52

    Additionally, if this were a case of her failing to excite him, you’d think he’d bring that up in their numerous discusssions of the issues. But instead he just says he’s not in the mood. Apparently he is willing to live with the status quo and she is not; to me that’s evidence that he’s not particularly unhappy or displeased with the way things are.

53. Hadley Paige 53

     
    RE: Jennifer @ 52 “if this were a case of her failing to excite him, you’d think he’d bring that up in their numerous discussions of the issues”
    As a guy who has been in a few relationships, I can tell you that telling the absolute full undiluted truth all the time often gets you into very big arguments or results in significant negative behavior directed at you by your female partner. Guys often avoid conflict in a relationships by not addressing an issue. I can totally see a guy saying “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a low sex drive” than saying “you don’t excite me anymore”; or “you’re not as much sexual fun as when I first met you”; or “you have let yourself go & as a result I am not that attracted sexually to you anymore”
    For women to get what they want out of men they need to stay sexually attractive. For me, hearing a guy say “ I have low sex drive” I’m thinking he thinks she’s not that hot.  That’s probably in her power to change.  That’s what strippers do, namely temporarily raise a guy’s sex drive.
     
     

54. Ruby 54

    I have to agree with Jennifer that if this has been a problem since their first year together, I fail to see how the theory that the OP is now an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” could apply here. I don’t understand why the boyfriend having a much lower sex drive is so hard to believe. 

55. sharon 55

    Regardless as to the cause If he boyfriend is no longer attracted to her and it’s not the sweat suit that’s the problem, she should probably bail for someone that finds her attractive. 

56. Hadley Paige 56

     
    RE: Ruby @ 54  “I fail to see how the theory that the OP is now an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” could apply here “
    I didn’t say the OP is an overweight, bitchy cow in a sweatsuit. I use that as an extreme example of how the “problem” of her man’s low sexual drive is related to how attractive he finds the woman who wants to get laid.
    Just as married women who have affairs often get a bye because “my husband wasn’t meeting my emotional, sexual, spiritual… fill in the blank here needs”, (meaning that what is initially viewed as her failing is explained as something which is in fact not her failing but something she was driven to), so too this guy’s failing, namely low sex drive, is I suggest, a result of not finding his woman sexually attractive (for whatever reason).
    She needs to own some of this. She can do something about how he perceives her. She does not have to be the passive victim of this situation. She can take action to improve her game. Don’t think so? Take a look at the names of the articles on a Cosmo cover.
    I would love to see a post (just one little post is all I ask) here by a woman advocating that the OP take some personal responsibility for this situation.

57. helene 57

    Oh,  the myth of “making yourself enticing” to revive your partner’s interest in sex… advocated in so many books and women’s magazines – apparently by people who have never encountered the problem! It makes me quite ill to think back to those times – the lingerie I bought, the sexy surprises I planned for him, the erotic texts I’d send – the candles, the massage books, the articles I read on how to please your man… and the systematic rejection and heartache that these efforts led to. With a lower libido man, any attempt to do these things is simply interpreted as PRESSURE. It doesn’t matter how you approach it, that is how it is perceived. And men HATE pressure from women in any area of life. The OP HAS tried to do her part to resolve the problem – she has stopped asking for or initiating sex. That is the only thing that may work with a man like this, and in her case, it hasn’t. I do think its time this issue was talked about more openly and they myth that sexy lingerie will solve the problem was once and for all debunked, so that women stop blaming themselves and dancing around the maypole doing the dance of the seven veils  while their partner stands in the middle of the circle doing absolutely nothing. As in any relationship problem, you can’t solve it by yourself, so to me the dealbreaker here is the fact that her partner will not even participate in trying to make things better. Nothing she can do singlehandedly will bring about any change in this situation.

58. Katarina Phang 58

    There are forums for sexless marriages and everyone in those boards will tell anyone who presumes that sexual incompatibility can be overcome by any of the “Cosmopolitan” advice such as Helene alluded above to just wake up and smell the coffee.  Some of these people have been married for decades and most of it in the state of sexlessness and they have seen and heard it ALL.

    ALL.

    The ignorants who have never been in this situation will continue judging and coming up with asinine advice.

    Sorry folks, human sexuality is mighty complex. If you’re not sure you can work it out in the long run (we can gauge that early in the relationship), don’t commit to anyone who doesn’t match you in bed PERIOD. It won’t get any better. 

    Sexual issues are very sensitive to men as well.  The more pressure and demand/gimmicks you apply on them the more they’ll see sex as a chore.  Sexually deprived women are actually far more common than prevalent wisdom (that men want sex all the time -which I think is the real myth).

59. Ruby 59

    Hadley Paige #56

    I don’t think of Cosmo as a fount of relationship knowledge. I also disagree with you that married women who have affairs get a pass. Also, remember the old chestnut used by cheating married men, “My wife doesn’t understand me”?

    The OP has been trying to talk about this problem with her boyfriend for 3 years, so I hardly think that she is behaving like a passive victim. I don’t know what other kinds of strategies she has employed, but she seems pretty desperate to fix this problem. Yes, we haven’t heard the boyfriend’s side, but it doesn’t sound like he is doing anything other than saying he’s “not in the mood.”

60. Saint Stephen 60

    I still don’t get this sexless marriage/relationship crap, coming into play here. The OP said they have sex 5 to 9 times a month which happens to be pretty normal for most relationships- especially couples with demanding jobs. Might also be less if children comes into the picture.
     
    I’d also ask about women who got married to Military men, Athletes, Business men? This are men whose career require them traveling all over the world. How do this women do it (and I’m not referring to those who cheat)? How do they keep the fire burning? Sometimes this women are lucky if they have sex in a span of three to six months. Do the relationships simply fizzle out just b/c their men aren’t around to service them at every given caprice? I’ll wager that such relationships succeeded b/c the women conditioned their mind to become happy with what they have.
     
    As an aside; I’ll challenge any experienced “know it all” woman on this board to tell if waiting to find a sexually compatible mate inhibits marriage/relationship from hitting the rocks.
     

61. Hadley Paige 61

    RE: Ruby @ 59 “I don’t think of Cosmo as a fount of relationship knowledge.”
    I didn’t say it was. I suggested that its a good source for info on how a woman could improve her sexual game — increase how sexually attractive she is and increase her sexual skills.  Without getting too explicit about this, my current GF can “inspire me” when perhaps I may not be to hot to trot.
    Women have to take some responsibility for their man’s level of interest in sex with them.  She wants some? then lay the foundational groundwork for the guy to take that interest in her.  
    I am still waiting for that admission from someone.  Or is this yet another instance where its all the man’s fault?
     

62. Helen 62

    Hadley 56 and 59: You do not have the right to ask someone to write a post here that gratifies your viewpoint; nor to make an “admission” about something that neither we nor you know anything about.

    The OP’s letter suggests that she took responsibility in the first year to try to have her needs met; while in the latter two years, she has taken responsibility for trying to make her boyfriend comfortable. Beyond that, we can only speculate, unless the OP or her boyfriend chooses to jump into this conversation.

    I think other commenters here have made extremely valid viewpoints, even if they don’t always agree. Sex in relationships is indeed a complicated topic. 

63. Ann 63

    Mike@44: Well, good luck with your sex life if you think that just lying there and taking one for the team is good sex from a woman’s perspective. Ick.

64. Ann 64

    Hear, hear to Helen and Ruby! Thumbs down to Hadley Paige. Another ick. Grow up.

65. Mike 65

    @Ann #63

    Your reading comprehension leaves a lot to be desired. I won’t even bother since you obviously cherry picked that one aspect to apply it against me where i was simply making an observation i know exists. The rest of my comments, especially about my own feelings regarding the matter invalidate whatever stupidity you are trying to imply about my sex life.

66. Hadley Paige 66

    RE: Ann @ 64: “Thumbs down to Hadley Paige. Another ick. Grow up. “
     
    Ann, thank you for your very insightful observations that eloquently and cleverly address the actual point I was making, as opposed to making a sophomoric & simplistic ad hominem attack.  You have really contributed to the discussion.
     
    I must tell the women readers of this blog that I find it really depressing that not a single woman reading this is willing to admit that in a relationship something as complex as the nature of their sexual dynamic is not all one person’s problem or responsibility. While in certain extreme & narrow dysfunctional instances I suppose that might be true. But the great majority of time each person in the dynamic has some responsibility for the dynamic.
     
    I suggested that the woman might take a look at herself and see what she can do to get where she wants to go (namely a more satisfying sexual experience). I am shocked to discover that that suggestion & the idea that the OP might take some responsibility for this dynamic is either roundly condemned or dismissed.
     
    If I said that my wife wasn’t interested in sex and “We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together “. you might ask what did I do to try to get her in the mood. “Nothing” says I. “ I just come home from work all sweaty & dirty with beer on my breath & I just try f-ck her, that’s all, and for some reason she’s not interested.”
     
    Do you think that I might approach the sex somewhat differently to get more of what I want?
     
    I see the situation w the OP as analogous. I ain’t saying she’s 100% responsible. I ain’t saying 50% (bc we don’t know the facts, we only know what the OP chooses to write) I am saying some of it is hers. Yet as reasonable as that might be, the suggestion goes over like a lead balloon here. Perhaps bc it is always easier (and less emotionally painful)  to blame someone else for your situation that to take personal responsibility for it.
     
    Well, I have made my point. Use it or don’t use it in your own relationship dynamic. Best of luck in maintaining a healthy relationship if you see these things in black & white, either/or, his fault or . . .  his fault.

67. Helen 67

    Hadley 66, I agree that ad hominem attacks should be avoided (of course, the fact that they exist is an unfortunate truth about the internet).  However, what you state in 66 is not what you stated previously, and now you are acting as though all women are stupid or ignorant for missing it. Previously, you deliberately wrote provocative statements about “An overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” – and then acted all surprised when women reacted to that.  THAT is silliness.

    If you want a reasonable discussion, you should start by avoiding such attacking, nasty comments about women – ANY woman – in the first place. 

    As for your statement “I must tell the women readers of this blog that I find it really depressing that not a single woman reading this is willing to admit that in a relationship something as complex as the nature of their sexual dynamic is not all one person’s problem or responsibility” – I don’t think any of us were stating that it was all the man’s fault, although that is how you chose to read it. Several people, including Katarina and myself, have even stated how complex this issue is.  Evan himself was not blaming either the OP or her boyfriend either; he implies in his response that this is not a situation in which blame can be so easily attributed to one or the other party. Whether they choose to split because of this incompatibility depends on how important it is to either party.

    It would do you well to not approach women as though you are their adversary, or they are yours. Start with an attitude of cooperation, of willingness to understand, and you might be surprised how willing we are to meet you halfway. 

68. Ruby 68

    RE: Ruby @ 54  “I fail to see how the theory that the OP is now an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” could apply here “
    I didn’t say the OP is an overweight, bitchy cow in a sweatsuit. I use that as an extreme example of how the “problem” of her man’s low sexual drive is related to how attractive he finds the woman who wants to get laid.
    But that the OP is an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweatsuit” is exactly what you implied. And that she should read Cosmopolitan to get her boyfriend in the mood. To you too, HP,  ”thank you for your very insightful observations that eloquently and cleverly address the actual point I was making, as opposed to making a sophomoric & simplistic ad hominem attack.  You have really contributed to the discussion”, as well. 

69. Helen 69

    Ruby 68: You go, sister!
     
    I have really appreciated most of the comments here, from you, helene, Gem, Goldie, Katarina, Ann, and others. Some of the comments were laugh-aloud funny (from helene about the 7 veils, and Ann), but definitely drove home the point of sadness and frustration that can accompany this relationship issue.  In the end, I agree with Katarina: there is no point in “saving yourself” for marriage. It’s in both parties’ best interest to test how compatible you are in that realm, before you commit to a lifetime with someone with whom you may be incompatible.

70. Goldie 70

    @ Hadley
     
    “I am shocked to discover that that suggestion & the idea that the OP might take some responsibility for this dynamic is either roundly condemned or dismissed.”
     
    I’m shocked that you have actually quoted this in the same comment:
     
    “We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together.”

    
    and somehow think it supports your theory of the OP letting herself go. How do you think that worked “during the first year they were together”? you think he met an overweight, sweaty, bad-smelling woman with beer on her breath and said to himself, Yeah this is exactly what I want in a girlfriend. Let’s move in together and have a 3-year relationship!
    
    
    Look, your guess was as valid as any other, but for the OP and her BF, this is not the case. Nobody has let themselves go, at least based on the information that we have. Therefore, your advice is not helping.
     
    PS. Cosmo? seriously??? should we buy Tucker Max’s new book while we’re at it? It might have some equally good relationship advice too.
    

71. Bethanne Headley 71

    Mike@44: Gotta side with Ann on this one. A non-aroused woman can lie there, if you call that “performing the act” of intercourse, but it will not be pleasurable. There are two important physical things that happen when a woman is aroused: 1) the vaginal area becomes lubricated, and 2) the cervix pulls back into the body cavity, allowing room for the penis to enter. If a woman is not aroused, the delicate skin in the genital area tears, which hurts. Also, if the penis bangs into the cervix–repeatedly, mind you–it hurts. It’s like getting kicked in the balls. Not sure why you think that a mechanical act of intercourse that leaves one partner in pain has any place in a mutual relationship–why you would even bring that up. You, too, have orifices that can be penetrated by penises, but no one is suggesting to you that you just give it up that way because physically this is possible.  

    Next point: Most women (70%) do not come from intercourse alone–they need clitoral stimulation. In a woman, the sexual organs include the tissues and nerves surrounding the vagina; in a man, the penis contains all of those sensitive tissues and nerves. So there isn’t a direct correlation between the penis and the vagina. You may think that sticking it in is enough, but only 30% of women will find that to be true. Therefore, a man can participate in the sex act if he can’t get it up, and most women will probably not be left wanting for the lack of penis action: he can still use his mouth and his hands to please her. You seemed to have left out these important activities and are focusing only on penetration, which is primarily about the man and not as much about the woman.

    So not sure what the Euro porn taught you. But I urge you to learn more about sex from authoritative sources rather than commercial fodder that is carefully designed to manipulate money out of your pocket.

    Great article in NYTimes about sex education, FYI:

    http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/11/18/how-graphic-should-sex-education-get/

72. Bethanne Headley 72

    Sorry–here’s the actual NY Times article on teaching good sex. Note–not from The Daily Mail!!

    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/20/magazine/teaching-good-sex.html?pagewanted=all

73. Helen 73

    Bethanne 71: THANK YOU. I wish you could post this comment of yours everywhere and anywhere there is male readership on the topic. I’d heard an even higher statistic for women not turned on by intercourse: 80%.

74. Bethanne Headley 74

    Helen@73: I was really grateful for this info, too, when I first heard/read it, so I try to pass it on. I feel so bad for my mom and women of other generations who didn’t have it–it must have been really hard for them to figure this stuff out, if they ever did. And men must be completely bewildered. Think of all of the heartache that sexual ignorance causes.

75. Jean 75

    @ Post 71
    I disagree with your statement that: “Most women (70%) do not come from intercourse alone–they need clitoral stimulation”, in my personal experience is the opposite and even worse I would say is around 90% that will have orgasm from intercourse. It’s just that it takes time and skills to reach that, if those studies were done to couples (specially the man) who have skills and know what they are doing I’m pretty sure the results will be around 90% of woman will have orgasm during intercourse.
    The timing is very important also, because the woman need to trust the guy and feel comfortable during intercourse without been nervous, anxiety and nervousness will kill an orgasm most of the time. That’s why giving a body massage to make her relax, foreplay to arouse her, and giving her compliments about her body will do wonders, since a lot of women (even pretty women with hot bodies) tend to have image issues or sex performance issues. That’s why timing is important, it takes weeks and sometimes months (depending of your skill level) to make a woman come from intercourse and better yet have body orgasm and squirt all over.
    I wish guys weren’t so selfish during sex, so they can experience the power of a woman orgasm, just the look at her eyes, her face expression, her body movement shaking uncontrollable and ultimately squirting all over you…. every time I ask a woman how does she feels when she has an orgasm, most of them say: It feels like you are in another planet, like you can see the moon and the stars. And trust me their expression says it all.

76. Kali 76

    I agree with answer #1.  Anything is worth breaking up over if it’s that important to you.  I think to an extent sex is important to everyone.  You just have to find that match that finds it as important.  The only problem my husband and I have is that occasionally it’s not at the same time, but we find ways to work it out.  If you find yourself going into the friend zone and thinking of other things when you are having sex probably a good idea to head into the friend zone so at least that doesn’t get ruined.

77. Anna 77

    If you are not satisfied, and never will be if things continue this way, you owe it to yourself and to him to be honest and end the relationship.
    I am on the other side of this scenario myself: I’m a woman with a low sex-drive, and my partner has a high sex-drive. I would be happy having sex once or twice a month. He wants it every time we see each other. We have been together for over 3 years.
    I feel like everything is fine during periods when he doesn’t mention it, but a few weeks or months will go by and eventually he has to express his sexual frustration, even if we have been having fabulous sex.. just not as often as he wants. This leaves me feeling inadequate and frustrated as well. I wish he would either decide to not let it bother him and interfere with our otherwise awesome relationship, OR break-up with me so that we don’t have to keep having this same annoying discussion over and over again. 
    I would rather be alone and single than with someone who will never be satisfied with me the way I am.

78. Elizabeth 78

    I have the same problem, but my parter will only sleep with me once or twice a month! count yourself lucky I would be very very pleased with 5-9 times, if you want to split with him and you still get it that much then you can’t like him very much.

79. Niki 79

    I have the same problem with my husband when it comes to sex. We both think that something is wrong because I have a high sex drive and he has a low sex drive. I love him but he knows sexual contact is very important to me and to be honest was one of the many reasons why I married him. He thinks I married him for the sex but I had more sex before we became official. We talked yesterday and we have hidden issues within ourselves before we were married that affected our sexual life. I have thought about if I’m not satisfied leaving but truth is I can’t find anyone in this world like my husband. He is so charming, loving, humble, kind, shy, smart, sexy, puts me before himself and gives me everything I want (brand new car, new place to live and a vacation condo). I love him and why should I leave him for one thing when he loves me a million other ways that don’t evolve sex. So I would say if you can’t find those million ways in your bf then leave but if you do stay remember we aren’t perfect human beings. 

80. Brett 80

    I think the OP simply has to do a lot of soul searching in this.  Asking her questions on here is probably a good first step in her decision making, as the most importnt step towards solving the problem – talking with her partner about it – has apparently failed on several occasions.

    I have nothing but sympathy for her, as I am enduring the flip side of the same problem.  I’ve been with my wife for 12 years.  We have 3 young children and we both work full-time jobs.  This adds a lot of fatigue and stress to your life – apparently more s for her than myself, although I do carry my fair share of the work around the house and such.  The issue - she has practically no sex drive anymore – mine, however, is as bad as it was when I was 18, and I’m nearing 40.  Where there are times we make love once in a month, I’m the kind of person who would happily go for a couple times a day…I’m probably a bit abnormal – lol.  That is not to say that I pressure for that kind of frequency, but I’ve always tried to keep realistic, and go for 1 – 2 times per week.  The other problem is, I’m not one of these “quicky” people either – I’m very involved and romantic.  I’ve bought my wife thousands of dollars worth of lingerie, tried different little toys to try to help her get more into it, and truly do love her and find her unbelievably sexy – and on the rare occasions that she gets into it, she’s one of the best lovers I’ve had.  For me, a lot of my emotional attachment is connected to our love life.  Th frustrating part is, she was as high-libido as me for the first year we were together – then it pretty much ended after our first child was born, nd I became a room mate.  It has now escalated to a unhealthy wedge in the relationship.  She gets angry if I even try to broach the subject, and takes any efforts on my part as pressure.  It frustrates me because that physical connection also affects the emotional connection – both from me to her and from her to me. 

    To the op - I would never profess to have an answer to somoene else’s problem.  I will say this much - knowing what I know now, were I still in your situation, where there are no children to be considered (and they trump any issue that could arise from this issue between my wife and I), I would move on for both of your sakes.   

81. Deedees 81

    glad i found this. my boyfriend and i argued this same arguement, and it aint worth it anymore. know that the amount of sex you crave has to do with just hormones. we cant all be the exact same. i love my boyfriend very much, and come to realize exactly what evan is saying is correct.

82. Sara 82

    Same struggles happened to me that my husband is totally a very low libido guy. Nearly 0 times per week. During 2 month I could have only 3 times sex, but even that sex was low quality. The thing that makes it worse for me is the way he tries to cover it and show that this is not permanent and he is only not able to have sex just because he is tired or stressed or exhausted. But the fact is that his job isn’t that stressful as he is mentioning. I came to the idea that he is only bringing excuses. 
    I also work and I have my own stresses and concerns, but it never affected my libido! I am somehow high in my sexual desires, that I want to have sex even everynight! I feel so down when I see my husband is not satisfying me in bed. He is a lover but for me sex and physical satisfaction is of high importance. He sleeps without paying attention to my desire, or he says he doesn’t want to start the sex because he does not want to dissapoint me! It gives me the feeling that he is not able to perform, also he never has enough drive to turn on. I tried many scenes and situations to see how he responds, but fails!
    After several discussions of why we are in this level with my husband and going to sex therapist and consultants, I came to the idea of leaving him. This is a personal decision and not persuading anyone, but to be realistic, I am high in my sex desire and I am sure my husband is giving me excuses just to keep me in his life, otherwise I am dissapointed at him getting any better, even abit of improvement from him still does not satisfy my desire!
    Many women here mentioned they are Ok with few sexes and were asking other women to forget having sex and just keep thinking about good parts of him! To me it sounds even funny, because in my opinion, the main and most impostant charactristic of a husband is to be strong and dominant in his sexual behavior. 
    A man who is with low libido and never initiates sex seems weak to me. These are my personal thoughts and do not want to offend anyone here. But it might be many women’s point of view. 
    My husband wants me to wait for him until he can fix himself and becomes high same as me, but to me with knowledge and experiences that I gained, it sounds impossible. I am pretty sure that if he is like this while he is 33 years old, he won’t get any better after this age. He says I should use toy and vibrator and he should use medicine to get erected until he can overcome his low libido issue. But this does not sound reasonable to me to help him fix his problem. I know a low drive guy will stay the same and I don’t think he can change his nature! 
    I hope I am true and I am confident enough to end this marriage as it hurts being untouched and unsatisfied for a long time with my husband. 
     
     
     

83. marymary 83

    Brett
    are you absolutely sure that you do your fair share? I ask as people routinely overestimate what they do. My other suggestion is – get a cleaner. That might be a better investment than lingerie and sex toys. the division of chores is the Bermuda Triangle of many relationships.
    also sex twice a week when you have young children sounds not too bad. Assuming you are achieving that.
    many a woman’s sex drive will tank after a baby. I think it,s hard to go from mother to lover. And sometimes all the breastfeeding and cuddling is enough physical attention and she doesnt want more. i don,t think it,s personal if that helps (probably not)
    sara
    i,d be concerned too. Even though the boyfriend and I are waiting til marriage to have sex, assuming we get married, I,m in no doubt that he has a very healthy sex drive and, yes, that does bond us. Has your husband always been like this? has he been checked out physically?
    and to no one in particular, your partner,s sexual orientation may not be the same as yours.

84. etherea9 84

    i have this same dillemma. my bf is fine having sex once a month and i prefer at least 3x a week. and whenever i initiate being sexually intimate i have to mentally prepare myself for a no everytimme. its really difficult because we want similar things in life and connect really well on other things but my needs arent being met. i feel constantly frustrated because to me, sex is an important way for me to feel close to my partner. it feels like i cant get one of my needs out of this relationship

85. Marge 85

    If sex is that important then you that it trumps all other qualities then break it off. Save him and yourself the trouble.   Once you have kids and more years invested into the relationship it will get harder to do this.  Keep in mind that sex drives do change throughout one’s life time..That said I have seen very unhealthy relationships in which the couples had a great sex life. These couple tended to stayed together partially for the sex.

86. Katie 86

    Sooo, I am 27 years old, a female, and have been dating my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now. I have the same EXACT problem! My boyfriend, who’s the same age as me,  has a very low sex drive!!! I’m lucky if I get it two times a month. Which is something that really bothers me. Plus, I always am the one to initiate it. If I didn’t, I honestly don’t think we would have sex. Period. I like have to ask him beforehand that way I don’t get shut down. I’ve tried to do it naturally, like just start kissing him, or rubbin on him, you kno the deal… buuut, He pulls back. He also doesn’t like french kissing! Which I love. …Not like wet, sloppy, kisses, but like passionate, intimate, longer kisses, you feel me? But not him, he like wants nothing to do with tongues I could tell he even gets irritated when I ask him about it. I don’t know why he’s like this. This has been a constant problem since our first year together. And I’d even be happy with once a week!! I’d rather a few times a week but you can’t have everything you want. Once a month is not cutting it. But other than this issue, there really isn’t any other issues as far as our relationship goes. Basically, we are best friends that sleep in the same bed and it drives me nuts. I think about it everyday. He is also a recovering drug addict and says he feels he only wants to have sex when he is high and he doesn’t know why. That makes me feel like shit. I feel inadequate, definitely not sexy at all…the list goes on. But still the more, I FREAKING love him. He’s got a great job, he’s supercute, we laugh together, support each other 100%. Plus, he’s really trying to stay sober. But with a cost. I think that’s a cop out. I’m also struggling with the same substance abuse issues and never stopped wanting to have sex w him. So I find myself constantly wondering in my head if this is something that I want to deal with for the rest of my life. And I haven’t made a decision. But I’m definitely deprived. What’s a girl to do!? HELP!

87. David T 87

    @Katie 86
     
    Sex deprivation and lack of intimate touch is a bummer.  I miss those things and am grateful there are other things that make life wonderful. Sounds like you are almost satisfied with your relationship and if you can resolve this situation one way or another, you are golden.

    He is also a recovering drug addict and says he feels he only wants to have sex when he is high and he doesn’t know why. That makes me feel like shit.

    I am sorry you feel down on yourself. This is not about you or your value. This is about him.  This is not because he is not attracted to you when he is straight (not a beer goggles thing). If that was the case he would have left you when he became sober. This has to do with a block in his mind that, when he is high, disappears or becomes unimportant.
     
    He might have some deep seated guilt or insecurity surrounding sex that the drugs make evaporate. He might not even know what it is, or he might feel too ashamed to share it with you. In a loving way, tell him how this makes you feel. Tell him you are not angry and love him, and how this problem makes you feel inadequate and sad. Ask him to help you fix this part of your relationship.

    His sobriety is important, and if you care about him you will help him keep to it. I am no therapist, sexual or otherwise, but perhaps a professional will be able to help him overcome whatever is eating at him. Whether you can  stick around while he tries to work it out with no way of knowing how long it will take or even if it will succeed at all is a difficult decision you have to make for yourself.  At your age you still will find it relatively easy to find a new life partner if you choose to move on.

    You have been together quite a long time and normally should be talking about marriage if that is a goal of yours, but your relationship has a feature that regularly hurts you profoundly. You must resolve it. Otherwise, it will eat away at the mutual support and happiness you two share create together.  I encourage you to make peace with this problem, either by acceptance that you just are not going to have as much sex as you want or by him healing himself.
     
    Maybe he can please you and make you feel wanted in other ways while he works through this?  If he cares and understands the distress this has you in, he will do that. The trick is to talk to him about this without making him defensive or upset or feel inadequate himself.  You love him in spite of this.  Make sure he knows that.
     

88. Katie 88

    Thanks for your follow up David. I really appreciate you taking time out of ur day to respond. You made some good points there. I will heed ur advice and have a sit down with him and try to explain what turmoil this has got me in in the nicest way possible.. I’ve chatted with him before. So its no mystery to him. It seems like he hasn’t done too much to change the situation even after I’ve told him time and time again.

89. Armycommando 89

    Katie I’m in the same boat as you. Trust me, after being married for 6 years and I am the highly sexual one and she is low, it will make you more miserable down the road. My wife is perfect on every way but we alway fight about sex. i feel like I am sleeping in the same bed with my best friend as well. After soul-searching, we are going to divorce. We are still best friends, but I need to have sex with a gorgeous woman 3 times a day whereas my wife says she can go years without sex and be happy. I wish I can find a woman like you who has a very high sex drive. i think ill go become like a wild beast releases from being chained up for so long. AAAARRGGHHH!!!

90. CaliforniaGirl 90

    Run! Over the years it will get worse and to the point where you won’t have sex at all. I had the same situation with my ex-husband, he just was not into it. I was irritated, mad and envied my girlfriends who told me about their sex life. I felt unattractive and not sexual, gained weight and stopped caring about myself because what’s he point? He was a very good man but I was just dying inside…

91. Cinnamon Girl 91

    @katie 86 if your BF is struggling with addiction and recovery he may be very depressed.  I would encourage him to see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction since you say he has a good job.  There may be some medication that can help him with his depression and that might be what is causing the low sex drive.
    Good luck.

92. Mate Larson 92

    “Realising that your partner simply does not care as long as he can stay in his comfort zone erodes a relationship to the point where it becomes unsustainable.”
    Wow, Helene just nailed what I feel is the bottom line in this issue!! What’s important here, as Evan pointed out, is that this is like any other issue that could be deemed a dealbreaker. And the key to overcoming differences in needs/expectations is to communicate clearly and find a balance…compromise.
    And it does sound like there hasn’t been a whole lot of compromise here. Given Helene’s excellent verbalisation of the core issue, I wonder in how many other ways the OP’s man has failed to rise to the occasion…

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