Comments on: Is It Chemistry Or Is It Love?

By: Trish

Trish — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 09:40:02 +0000

I met a great man and was excited just to see him and be with him and he always told me that he just wanted to be with me regardless of the fact we were sleeping together and we didnt always have sex when we were together we just loved each others company, we had everything in common and we really “got”each other, but then he told me the ‘spark’ just wasn’t there for him (he loved me but wasn’t in love with me) needless to say we are no longer together, we were close friends and knew each other for a cpl of months before we slept together, he’s looking for that “spark”he had as a 16 yr old and now he’s nearly 50. I personally think as we age (I’m 50) it’s very different, for me it’s more about compatibility. companionship and real love/ trust /respect that can be built upon, not a fleeting feeling of euphoria that wears off.And Annie is right(I’m in Australia) when you like a guy you have dated a few times they think there’s something wrong with you when you don’t want to have sex with them,preferring to wait a few months to see where the relationship is headed and if the bond between you is real and could last a lifetime, they think were playing hard to get, but one problem is that there’s so many women here with very low or no morals it makes it hard for the rest of us looking for a real connection.

By: Pineapple

Pineapple — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 20:42:56 +0000

I think men don’t date without any chemistry, whereas women are taught to “get a guy to grow on them” and trade his excitement for stability….

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 20:39:53 +0000

Men get into crappy relationships based on chemistry just as well – and make horrible mistakes because of it. Why? Do you think that they don’t?

By: Pineapple

Pineapple — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 20:33:23 +0000

But how come men get to feel the wonderful effects of chemistry? They won’t go without it!

By: Annie

Annie — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 11:31:09 +0000

@17

I agree with you I can say it’s really nice to actually come across some-one who recognizes/believes this, particularly a man.

I’ve have tried to patiently explain my position on this(and sometimes not so patiently) to so many people,and the truth is they just don’t want to believe it.

To create a really great, monogamous , enriching, uplifting relationship, you have to leave the “exciting” parts of male female relations alone, till you are sure you want to create that excitement with that person due to genuine respect and compatibility.

To wait, is to “choose” some-one to experience excitement with. That is what creates the bond. This is the person you get excited over. Not “this is the sexual stimulation” I get excited over, and then get bored with as you need “new” excitment. Casual sex, dilutes the powerful bond that sex can create.

Would you agree with my reasoning?

It is something I struggle with Jack, especially in my country(Australia) which is honestly one of the most promiscuous countries in the west.

The most common response I get when I say I want to wait (and I explain my reasons) is “You have sexual issues, You want to withhold sex and manipulate a man, You want to control a man’s sexuality, You’re a prude, I think I’ll win a man by playing hard to get, YOU DON’T Associate Sex with LOVE do you?HAHAHAHAHA…etc etc etc”.

They don’t understand. They also end up in such horrible relationships and then blame the opposite gender. We have some serious gender War issues going on in my country because of this.

You are a breath of fresh air on this blog. I’m glad for that

By: Anna

Anna — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 17:53:34 +0000

I just want to address you a sincere huge thanks… Love your clear view on things and your witty illustrating examples. Reading this made me feel SO much relief and calmness and made me more confident about myself and everything… I’ve been having doubts about a situation for about three years now… Of course I’ve tried to work things out on my own and have touched some points from the article by myself…but it’s crystal now! Thank you so much

By: Babs

Babs — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 13:18:34 +0000

Woow, this is so true, chemistry doesn’t last, sometimes when we say we are following our ‘heart’ we are actually following chemistry. Its a good feeling but our decisions can not be based solely on feelings. I have feelings for someone, they quite balanced thou, but he’s seeing other people and cohabiting with another, drinks, but has other good qualities. Eish am confused and I feel too old for this feeling (29). I don’t call him anymore but he does- we’re on a break. Am planning to telll him to leave. Meanwhile, my heart was ashed by a 60 year old man whom I had intense feelings for…online, only to discover that I was not the only one. He called me names and left my heart in ashes, but am ok now, when I consider his age, I knew it was never gonna work out.

In summary, chemistry alone should not affect our decisions

By: BC

BC — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 23:13:38 +0000

Jennifer#26-Oh, yeah, I totally agree that we can’t just throw ourselves completely into the fates of hormonal highs and lows, in love or any other situation in life. I’ve been in that infatuated state of mind, as I’m sure most of us, men or women for that matter have been, and its quite a roller coaster. I’ve also been involved with guys who I liked an awful lot, and was super compatible with in most ways, while those feelings of getting all swept away were just not there. Of course, as someone else was saying, I believe Nicole, the oxytocin overload is just temporary, so we come back down to earth soon enough. Then its either sink or swim, with more of a basis in reality and trying to make a go of things or moving on.

This is interesting reading, and in case anyone thinks I am a nutcase with no control of my emotions, I’m not. Ha! But, when I was in my twenties, I WAS more easily led by raw emotions as opposed to trying to find that elusive blend of passion and stability…hard qualities to balance sometimes in a relationship.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 14:19:51 +0000

BC#23- I can see how my comment can read like it was harsh and directed at you, but that’s not the case at all! Sorry if it came off that way.

I just don’t want people throwing up their hands hopelessly in the face of any hormone; too many bad outcomes can come from that

By: Selena

Selena — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 13:34:06 +0000

I concure with Diana #18.

“Chemistry” as it is so often defined in this blog is merely initial sexual attraction – lust – infatuation. That fades because nothing can stay “new” indefinetly.

Chemistry is that unexplainable click you feel with some people and not others. You may feel it with different friends, co-workers, relatives. In a romantic relationship, sexual attraction is part of it, but not soley it. Chemistry encompasses mental attraction, emotional attraction, and compatibility of personalities. Chemistry is what you feel when someone “gets” you.

Infatuation is not falling in love. Infatuation is temporary. Falling in love is what follows infatuation – a progression. And that progression does not always happen. One may be highly infatuated at first, then find it ends either abruptly, or gradually as they get to know the other person better. Often with the realization the other components aren’t there – the mental and emotional attraction, the compatibility of personalities.

Oxytocin isn’t super glue. If it were, all women and some men would be hopelessly bonded to the first person they ever had sex with. For life. Most of us haven’t. Like infatuation, oxytocin is temporary. It’s not an excuse for making unfortunate choices and sticking with them. There are more psychological reasons involved for doing that.