Comments on: Is It Chemistry, Or Is It Love? http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/ Wed, 08 Feb 2012 04:55:19 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: Cherry http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-159636 Cherry Sat, 11 Jun 2011 00:43:17 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-159636 Wow.. Matched everything I was feeling... Too bad it ended..? Wow.. Matched everything I was feeling… Too bad it ended..?

]]> By: Ez http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-50577 Ez Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:26:04 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-50577 Wow Zann. Soberly thought out post. Some really great comments in this thread. Thank you all for posting your most interesting thoughts. I believe being brutally self-aware of these tingling feelings and removing them to see what we have left is a valuable habit. Because I react so strongly to a disintegrating relationship I needed to find a way to process subsequent ventures of finding a potential mate. I break it down like this: Human chemistry is unreasonable, doesn't analyze. Emotions triggered, reactions to. Can be positive or negative, but still we have little control how it affects us when it chooses to appear. But, yet we all have a string of thought, an element of quiet space in our brains called logic. After going over all the cold hard facts then maybe seeing what kid of relationship we actually have is clearer. I think sometimes folks have the logic/instinct tuned too low to hear, but it is there. I never discount instinct (the sum of all observational faculties telling you if it's safe or not, perhaps..), either. If you don't know what, but something doesn't feel right, cue to check the logic. When we listen, really listen - we have a choice. Wow Zann. Soberly thought out post. Some really great comments in this thread. Thank you all for posting your most interesting thoughts.
I believe being brutally self-aware of these tingling feelings and removing them to see what we have left is a valuable habit. Because I react so strongly to a disintegrating relationship I needed to find a way to process subsequent ventures of finding a potential mate.
I break it down like this:
Human chemistry is unreasonable, doesn’t analyze. Emotions triggered, reactions to. Can be positive or negative, but still we have little control how it affects us when it chooses to appear.

But, yet we all have a string of thought, an element of quiet space in our brains called logic. After going over all the cold hard facts then maybe seeing what kid of relationship we actually have is clearer. I think sometimes folks have the logic/instinct tuned too low to hear, but it is there.
I never discount instinct (the sum of all observational faculties telling you if it’s safe or not, perhaps..), either. If you don’t know what, but something doesn’t feel right, cue to check the logic.
When we listen, really listen – we have a choice.

]]> By: Selena http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-43633 Selena Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:35:11 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-43633 @ Zann # 24 Bravo! Agree with every word. Thank you for writing that. @ Zann # 24

Bravo!

Agree with every word. Thank you for writing that.

]]> By: Zann http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-43586 Zann Fri, 18 Sep 2009 20:31:01 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-43586 Regarding what Karl R said in #27, referrig to starthrower68's comment #10 -- "I should have had the strength & courage to say "no, stop right there." Karl asks whether this could be due to a self-confidence issue, as opposed to responding to lust/chemistry/infatuation. I think this is the crux of the whole matter. Regardless of how you define chemistry (hormones, sparks, connecting), and regardless of whether the attraction is instant or slow-growing, what matters is why you are attracted to this person <em>at all. </em> Meaning, why him/her out of all the humans roaming the earth? A self-confidence issue? I'd say almost every poor decision I've made in my lifetime -- whether it was in an intimate relationship, a friendship, a spending spree, imbibing too much -- was probably due to insecurity of some kind. I mean, I'll be the first to admit I am not 100% secure in who I am 100% of the time. Sure, I like to believe I'm getting closer (& at my age<em>, I sure as hell hope I </em>am), but Geez-Louise, we're all products of our environment & history. My point is that I can get all kinds of great dating advice, just like the kind I've gotten on this site, but if I don't have my s*&t together and don't have a good idea of what my "issues" are, where I'm vulnerable or where I have a tendency to become a little, uh, neurotic and veer off my normally-sensible track -- then I'm gonna have nothing but trouble in relationships. Building a healthy relationship with anyone -- regardless of whether sparks flew and regardless of whether your current sweetie met all those dealbreaker requirements on your Checklist -- requires awareness of yourself and mindfulness of what is happening around you in every interaction you encounter...but especially in intimate ones. Otherwise, you're going to keep experiencing the scenario starthrower talks about: You knew the dude was married/addict/womanizer/unethical/commitment-phobe/whatever, but you let yourself be drawn in because it was attention that felt good at the time. And when the attention's withdrawn, that's when an insecure person (I'm talking about myself here) feels the resulting bad stuff -- the regret, the shame, the guilt, the despair, loneliness, abandonment. Even secure people feel disappointment and frustration when a relationship they were enjoying ends, but because they were never sucked in as much out of need, they rebound quickly & keep it in perspective. That's why it's critical to me that I become a master of the fine art of detecting when I'm feel attracted, freezing the action in my head, and evaluating it for what it really is before acting on it. Lastly, flirtation feels good, but it's no indicator of anything other than: He came, he saw, he liked, he flirted. (sorry guys, I realize it works both ways). End of story. Regarding what Karl R said in #27, referrig to starthrower68′s comment #10 — “I should have had the strength & courage to say “no, stop right there.” Karl asks whether this could be due to a self-confidence issue, as opposed to responding to lust/chemistry/infatuation. I think this is the crux of the whole matter. Regardless of how you define chemistry (hormones, sparks, connecting), and regardless of whether the attraction is instant or slow-growing, what matters is why you are attracted to this person at all. Meaning, why him/her out of all the humans roaming the earth? A self-confidence issue? I’d say almost every poor decision I’ve made in my lifetime — whether it was in an intimate relationship, a friendship, a spending spree, imbibing too much — was probably due to insecurity of some kind. I mean, I’ll be the first to admit I am not 100% secure in who I am 100% of the time. Sure, I like to believe I’m getting closer (& at my age, I sure as hell hope I am), but Geez-Louise, we’re all products of our environment & history. My point is that I can get all kinds of great dating advice, just like the kind I’ve gotten on this site, but if I don’t have my s*&t together and don’t have a good idea of what my “issues” are, where I’m vulnerable or where I have a tendency to become a little, uh, neurotic and veer off my normally-sensible track — then I’m gonna have nothing but trouble in relationships. Building a healthy relationship with anyone — regardless of whether sparks flew and regardless of whether your current sweetie met all those dealbreaker requirements on your Checklist — requires awareness of yourself and mindfulness of what is happening around you in every interaction you encounter…but especially in intimate ones. Otherwise, you’re going to keep experiencing the scenario starthrower talks about: You knew the dude was married/addict/womanizer/unethical/commitment-phobe/whatever, but you let yourself be drawn in because it was attention that felt good at the time. And when the attention’s withdrawn, that’s when an insecure person (I’m talking about myself here) feels the resulting bad stuff — the regret, the shame, the guilt, the despair, loneliness, abandonment. Even secure people feel disappointment and frustration when a relationship they were enjoying ends, but because they were never sucked in as much out of need, they rebound quickly & keep it in perspective. That’s why it’s critical to me that I become a master of the fine art of detecting when I’m feel attracted, freezing the action in my head, and evaluating it for what it really is before acting on it. Lastly, flirtation feels good, but it’s no indicator of anything other than: He came, he saw, he liked, he flirted. (sorry guys, I realize it works both ways). End of story.

]]> By: Karl R http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-43483 Karl R Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:48:46 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-43483 <b>starthrower68 asked:</b> (#9) <i>"Since I don't usually see these situation coming, and am usually blindsided, how can I head them off at the pass, or can I?"</i> Self-awareness helps me. I realize when my attraction to someone is interfering with my judgment, and I take that into account when making decisions. For example, I started dating one of my dance partners about 3 weeks ago. We had been friendly and known each other somewhat beforehand, but once we started spending time with each other, we've basically been rushing headlong into a relationship. I've spent most nights at her place for a couple weeks. Obviously, a lot of this momentum is fueled by physical attraction and mind-blowing sex. I won't claim that my judgment is unclouded by that. However, that doesn't blind me to the obvious. There's a substantial age gap that will probably prevent this from becoming a long-term serious relationship. And based on our conversations, we both agree on that. Since neither of us wants kids, that gives us plenty of time to make choices. I am feeling the initial high of the relationship right now. But I can afford to let it wear off before making any decisions about where I might want things to go after the first few months. It's like functioning while drunk. I'm aware that I'm impaired, so I try to avoid doing anything stupid (like making major decisions) until I sober up. <b>starthrower68 said:</b> (#10) <i>"I should have had the strength and courage to say, no, stop right there. I didn't because I felt chemistry. [...] He made me feel sexy, beautiful, and desirable and it was intoxicating and addicting."</i> Could that be a self-confidence issue? If you feel sexy, beautiful and desirable all the time, then there's less of a reason to latch onto someone when they affirm that feeling. <b>starthrower68 said:</b> (#15) <i>"I think the real growth comes when we realize that the chemistry we felt was not necessarily real love."</i> When I feel infatuated, I assume that it has no bearing on real love. Until the feeling diminishes, I can't be certain whether I really love the woman or not. And during that period of time, I try to build a true friendship so there's some kind of foundation for whatever relationship exists afterward. This may explain why I remain friends with so many ex-girlfriends. starthrower68 asked: (#9)
“Since I don’t usually see these situation coming, and am usually blindsided, how can I head them off at the pass, or can I?”

Self-awareness helps me. I realize when my attraction to someone is interfering with my judgment, and I take that into account when making decisions.

For example, I started dating one of my dance partners about 3 weeks ago. We had been friendly and known each other somewhat beforehand, but once we started spending time with each other, we’ve basically been rushing headlong into a relationship. I’ve spent most nights at her place for a couple weeks.

Obviously, a lot of this momentum is fueled by physical attraction and mind-blowing sex. I won’t claim that my judgment is unclouded by that.

However, that doesn’t blind me to the obvious. There’s a substantial age gap that will probably prevent this from becoming a long-term serious relationship. And based on our conversations, we both agree on that.

Since neither of us wants kids, that gives us plenty of time to make choices. I am feeling the initial high of the relationship right now. But I can afford to let it wear off before making any decisions about where I might want things to go after the first few months.

It’s like functioning while drunk. I’m aware that I’m impaired, so I try to avoid doing anything stupid (like making major decisions) until I sober up.

starthrower68 said: (#10)
“I should have had the strength and courage to say, no, stop right there. I didn’t because I felt chemistry. [...] He made me feel sexy, beautiful, and desirable and it was intoxicating and addicting.”

Could that be a self-confidence issue? If you feel sexy, beautiful and desirable all the time, then there’s less of a reason to latch onto someone when they affirm that feeling.

starthrower68 said: (#15)
“I think the real growth comes when we realize that the chemistry we felt was not necessarily real love.”

When I feel infatuated, I assume that it has no bearing on real love. Until the feeling diminishes, I can’t be certain whether I really love the woman or not.

And during that period of time, I try to build a true friendship so there’s some kind of foundation for whatever relationship exists afterward. This may explain why I remain friends with so many ex-girlfriends.

]]> By: Dope http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-43477 Dope Wed, 16 Sep 2009 21:37:25 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-43477 Absolutely true. How many bad decisions have I watched my friends make when they were clearly under the influence of Lust. Lust that they called Love. Personally I think this is something that needs to be explained to teenagers at school, REPEATEDLY. Absolutely true. How many bad decisions have I watched my friends make when they were clearly under the influence of Lust. Lust that they called Love.

Personally I think this is something that needs to be explained to teenagers at school, REPEATEDLY.

]]> By: girl-with-glasses http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-43469 girl-with-glasses Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:36:18 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-43469 Evan, I'm not sure what you're saying either. You mean the speed and readiness at which you're willing to to de-clothe and jump into bed with someone <i> isn't </i> a good predictor of future relationship quality???? Or that I may have a sh*t load of turmoil in my life and hormones flowing through my veins, but it doesn't mean I have any genuine character, stability, passion or love. That all I care about is making a custom slave who'll worship me and tell me I'm special, otherwise I act like a spoiled and deranged b*tch? Gee, what a grown up and sane view. Evan, I’m not sure what you’re saying either. You mean the speed and readiness at which you’re willing to to de-clothe and jump into bed with someone <i> isn’t </i> a good predictor of future relationship quality???? Or that I may have a sh*t load of turmoil in my life and hormones flowing through my veins, but it doesn’t mean I have any genuine character, stability, passion or love. That all I care about is making a custom slave who’ll worship me and tell me I’m special, otherwise I act like a spoiled and deranged b*tch? Gee, what a grown up and sane view.

]]> By: starthrower68 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-43463 starthrower68 Wed, 16 Sep 2009 19:53:49 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-43463 I'm not sure Evan is saying it's either/or. I think what he's saying is that chemistry and stability/comfort should have a balance, which how all things in life should be, balanced. I'm also of the notion that maybe what some consider pure lust, others are calling chemistry. It appears we're arguing over semantics. I’m not sure Evan is saying it’s either/or. I think what he’s saying is that chemistry and stability/comfort should have a balance, which how all things in life should be, balanced. I’m also of the notion that maybe what some consider pure lust, others are calling chemistry. It appears we’re arguing over semantics.

]]> By: Jennifer http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-43461 Jennifer Wed, 16 Sep 2009 19:28:03 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-43461 @Selena #12. I'm so with you. I don't believe 'worthwhile' relationships are either/or, I don't believe chemistry is always temporary, nor do i believe finding a good match for you that you also feel wild chemistry for is so rare as to be almost impossible. I've tried to figure out if it's a definition thing, or just the way it's being stated, but I'm starting to believe that Evan and I just have wildly different viewpoints on this subject. @Selena #12. I’m so with you. I don’t believe ‘worthwhile’ relationships are either/or, I don’t believe chemistry is always temporary, nor do i believe finding a good match for you that you also feel wild chemistry for is so rare as to be almost impossible.

I’ve tried to figure out if it’s a definition thing, or just the way it’s being stated, but I’m starting to believe that Evan and I just have wildly different viewpoints on this subject.

]]> By: starthrower68 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/is-it-chemistry-or-is-it-love/comment-page-1/#comment-43458 starthrower68 Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:44:46 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1966#comment-43458 If you really want to consider something purely academic, I just thought of this: I am on medication for depression, which can leave you emotionally flat at times, but for me, centered most of the time. I can still experience highs and lows, but not usually to the extreme. Unless, that is, I feel intenste chemistry, lust, or whatever the appropriate word is. I realize we're talking about a different set of neurochemicals; I guess my point is, whatever you call this thing that we're dicussing, it's very potent and powerful, and no wonder we take leave of our senses. If you really want to consider something purely academic, I just thought of this: I am on medication for depression, which can leave you emotionally flat at times, but for me, centered most of the time. I can still experience highs and lows, but not usually to the extreme. Unless, that is, I feel intenste chemistry, lust, or whatever the appropriate word is. I realize we’re talking about a different set of neurochemicals; I guess my point is, whatever you call this thing that we’re dicussing, it’s very potent and powerful, and no wonder we take leave of our senses.

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