Comments on: Does Feminism Mean That You Shouldn’t Want A Man?

By: HappFace

HappFace — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:12:24 +0000

@Kate She interprets “Is it really possible to have a man be so patient and selfless, especially when he loves you but doesn’t know if you will ever come around?” how a man interprets this is that he is crazy about her even with her signs of “i am not that interested in you” he still went on and on until she fell in love with him.

Men who are patient/crazy enough about her to stick around is getting thinner and thinner.

To me the women sounded impossible to deal with not just for men but for women too.

By: Germaine Raquel Beuviere

Germaine Raquel Beuviere — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 14:27:08 +0000

I'm like she is and I have no problems owning up to all my flaws =) Once I also owned up to them it put my dating experience in a whole new and positive light. I'm enjoying the journey and also working to help others find what they're searching for with my own AMBW group.

By: Dan

Dan — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 15:29:54 +0000

@Trenia (4) -
“what I see more often than not with a lot of strong, independent women is if they don’t fit what a man thinks she ought to be, he just moves on without trying to understand her or accept her as is, men don’t build a case for a woman and why he should get to know her, (either he’s interested or he’s not) even though she admittedly is not making him a priority in her life. He will likely just move on to a woman he finds to be ‘less challenging and complicated’.”
Your presumption has not been the case as I and two of my close single male friends have experienced it. We have made the effort. I know in my junior, sophomore, and senior years, I spent just as long as the guy in the story. And I also did that in my 20′s and early 30′s. It didn’t work. It turned out to be a big waste of precious little dating time I had in that window of age opportunity.
When she’s just not into you, sticking around isn’t helpful, even though I naively thought it would.
In the story, I see that she gave signals that she liked him, and she likely reciprocated in some of his efforts. That’s not the case in the vast majority of situations.

By: Trenia

Trenia — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 06:35:26 +0000

It’s a lot easier to see and work through all of those issues and admit to all of your faults, when you have the evidence that someone is present and loving you as you are and in spite of yourself. I wonder if the author would’ve felt the same way if she was getting rejected by guys when she revealed her true feminist self?
I’m sure this happens with some men too, but what I see more often than not with a lot of strong, independent women is if they don’t fit what a man thinks she ought to be, he just moves on without trying to understand her or accept her as is, men don’t build a case for a woman and why he should get to know her, (either he’s interested or he’s not) even though she admittedly is not making him a priority in her life. He will likely just move on to a woman he finds to be “less challenging and complicated”.
This is the challenge for today’s modern woman, wait for a man who will accept what she may consider to be essential components of who she is (this could be a really LONG wait) or perhaps placate and back-peddle with a man so that you don’t end up alone.

By: Laine

Laine — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 07:06:38 +0000

@ Kate-yes you can, its called living in the present. This is what AQ is alluding to in #2.

By: AQ

AQ — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 02:24:48 +0000

I wonder if it is actually easier to be with her because she is not demanding to be called or feel connected and she is not wondering where the relationship is going? Just sayin….

By: Kate

Kate — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 15:27:47 +0000

What a lovely story from the New York Times! Thank you EMK, for sharing that. Her relationship with her boyfriend (I think they are in a relationship now!) reminded me of all the implausible but romantic things that happen in youth, sort of like a modern day The Notebook.
Is it really possible to have a man be so patient and selfless, especially when he loves you but doesn’t know if you will ever come around? It also seems like there was something about him that she loved, but she had to reconcile with all her other priorities and values and dreams first. That is a complex psychological premise. I guess the beauty in the story is that it all worked so well.
I understand that we can’t change other people, we can only work on ourselves. But is it possible to find someone willing to have that same patience to stay with us through the journey between first introduction and relationship, especially when dating at stages of life older than a sophomore?
Can I have that patience when I don’t even know where things are going with me and anyone else? I don’t know.