Comments on: Is it Okay to Love Someone But Not Be “In Love”?

By: gay dating

gay dating — Fri, 07 Sep 2012 22:42:24 +0000

Love love and love is a universal for all human being. Its not only human but also for all animals. I want to say with you "But it can also be an illusion". Thanks for your post.

By: christine

christine — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 03:02:51 +0000

I am in that situation at the moment, i am 58 and my male friend is 56, we do not live together. After 11 years of going out he went to cambodia, Yes he got mesmarized by the femails over there. He came back and said that i was like a sister to him. We did not have sex for the last 4 years, but as he is a drinker i put that down to that. Yes we had sparks for a year or two then it just got comfertable. NOw he said that we are friends. I am hurt but deep down i knew it was over years ago but i was just kiding myself to think it would work out. I am trying to be strong but he is now phoning me every day whanting for me not to be mad with him.I am not answering the phone or tex. YES IT HURTS. being in love or just love as a friend is difrent

By: Daphne

Daphne — Thu, 31 May 2012 19:34:09 +0000

This is a very interesting subject and one that has played a huge part in my personal Life. In my opinion, the difference between loving someone and actually being in love is actually simpler than most would rather admit. When you love someone, it would crush you if anything happened to them. In addition, you can love someone and want to spend your entire life with them, build a family together, accomplish goals together, grow old and even pass on. When it comes to actually being in love, it really comes down to their being fireworks!, a spark in your relationship that is incredibly intoxicating and something you can’t get enough of. IMO, Being in love is a feeling I have had – when the very sight of someone causes me to have butterflies. When I go out on a date, I never want the night to end. I yearn for their touch and when I don’t get it I’m deeply effected. More examples of being in love with a person is as follows : you can’t stand to be without the person, You want to make sure you leave that person satisfied – mentally, physically, compassionately, sexually and even spiritually ( many woman have changed their religious beliefs solely on their love – or being madly in love with their mate )… other examples of being in love are: if a person you merely love buys you a 5 karat diamond ring – you feel terrific but it’s more about the actual gift rather than who actually gave it to you.. In my own experience, when in love, a person can stop at the store to pick up something as small as a card or a piece of chocolate and I’d be blown away – because I am so in love with them. Being in love requires passion, compassion, a mutual respect for one another, lust, sex, a desire to always have that person in your presence and a certain feeling you get moments before going on a ride at an amusement park…. Being in love is Fantastic but often fades with time. Loving a person is beautiful and states that you have deep feelings for that person that do not involve the thrills and non-stop excitement that comes with being madly in love with someone. In my life, I have had boyfriends I was in love with – to only find out that the stage inevitably ends and you’re left asking yourself, do I even know this person,,, and I have also have had experiences where I love someone ( my own husband as we speak ), I Love him with all my heart, I respect him and look forward to living our lives together – however, I’m not IN LOVE with him – I once was;however, to be IN LOVE your entire relationship is somewhat unrealistic IMO

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 17:10:52 +0000

I’m in a similar situation at the moment. My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. We laugh a lot and muck around, snuggle and watch our fave shows or movies, both enjoy nice food and travel but in many ways we’re not compatible. The sex has never been great but it’s often been different, exciting and very enjoyable. He seems to have certain hang ups and I thought it was fair enough, I have some hang ups too. So I stayed with him and tried to communicate and to suggest ways we could make our sex life even better. Maybe the chemistry was never that great though I do find him attractive and he regularly gets erections but I guess after the first year the passion had subsided quite a bit. Anyway…he is now saying that he’s not sure if we’re more than very close friends and we’ve broken up, gotten back together, discussed what we want etc. All in the last few weeks. There have always been other problems apart from the sex not being as great as it could be, mainly his financial situation, he’s a musician who works in a cafe and teaches a bit on the side so he never has a good solid stable income and is often borrowing money from me etc. I see this as a problem if we were to stay together and marry. I need someone I can depend on, I have always supported myself and worked and earned ok money but if I want to have kids one day I need to know my partner can pull his weight too. The other major problem is he is five years younger than me. He’s 27. He says he’s not sure that he’d want to start having kids etc in about 5 years, he may not want them for another 10. Well as I’m 31 that will be too late for me…so I guess anyone reading this is thinking why are these two together?? I think because we are best friends and we are very used to being together every day. Being without each other seems so strange and sad. I guess I know we won’t make it and though I’ve cried a lot because of this in the last couple of weeks I’m slowly coming to terms with it. Even when he said he didn’t know if we were more than friends he said he didn’t want to lose me and I feel the same way but not wanting to lose each other isn’t enough for the relationship to last. I love him but I’m not in love with him any more and I think he feels the same way. Maybe neither of us has the guts and we’ll stick it out until we really stop liking each other. I hope whatever happens that one day we can still be friends and look back and laugh at how petrified of being alone we were.

By: Da Virg

Da Virg — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 20:24:58 +0000

110 – That’s called Karma

By: Da Virg

Da Virg — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 20:15:57 +0000

@ 116…that’s the most foolish thing I’ve heard.

No wonder you get up to your mid 40′s and try to get married only to enjoy a few years of marriage. B E I N G P I CK Y

I thought only Lori Gottlieb lived that kind of life….oops

By: Peter

Peter — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 03:26:40 +0000

WE all change throughout our lives. Marriage is about adapting the relationship to those changes. it is about coming back from ferocious confrontation or a decade of glacial coldness and rebuilding. I agree with Evan that it is about choice and will. ”In Love” is the most stupid way to chose a partner imaginable. Develop after you are married. If you can’t develop it then it is your lack of commitment to to any relationship that requires work on your part that is coming out. Marriage is hard work, not pink mist. The Christian injunction to married people to have a lot of sex is very good advice. Waiting for spontaneous sex is never going to work after 2 or 3 years.

By: Vicki

Vicki — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 19:52:15 +0000

Helen at #1 nailed it with the first comment.

Probably, she has met someone else, and is letting Fernando off the hook. She might or might not be dating the other guy, but she’s experiencing a strong attraction for another man who is not Fernando, which is making her question the whole chemistry/foundation of the relationship with Fernando.

They probably have settled into a non-romantic brother-sister type of relationship that lacks passion.

I’d refer the guys reading this to David Shade’s book “Select Women Wisely.” In “Select Men Wisely” (the version of the book for women) he states women need to feel 4 things: appreciation for her uniqueness as an individual/to feel special and that you are supportive of her; to feel a deep emotional connection with you; to feel beautiful/sexy/feminine; and to have hot passionate sex (whether her tastes are extremely vanilla, or extremely the other end of the spectrum – passion needs to be there).

In Fernando’s case, one of those 4 elements is probably missing in his relationship with his girlfriend.

Also, “Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40″, by Gloria MacDonald, states women have 4 components they need for chemistry to be present. If one is lacking, the chemistry will be impaired, and the relationship will fail: 1) liking/respect for the man; 2) the possibility the relationship will continue, that the man is a suitable partner for a permanent commitment; 3) the man is willing to commit to a monogamous relationship (he’s not still involved or emotionally connected to an ex or wife or girlfriend); 4) there is at least some mutual physical attraction (or: no turn-offs that undermine the attraction).

Women can limp along in a relationship for a while if it’s missing one or two of these elements, but eventually they have to find somebody else to fulfill the missing pieces.

If they had a nice, but largely asexual, relationship, her need for passionate sex (as David Shade describes it) or mutual physical attraction (as MacDonald calls it) will be unfulfilled. It can’t stay that way. She will have no choice but to move on eventually.

In addition, I’ve dated men I thought were good-looking, guys whom I respected and who were available, but I just couldn’t visualize myself sharing my whole life with them, waking up with them every day, doing our tax returns together every year, etc etc. It just wasn’t “visualizable” (is that a word? probably not… lol).

So, it’s possible she just couldn’t see herself “with” him forever until she died and was being honest in letting him off the hook so both of them could find that partner they could spend the rest of their lives with.

I don’t think anyone is the villain here.

I’d also recommend a book called “Relationship Strategies: The E & P Attraction.” A lot of people who are “physicals” tend to gather in the same places (i.e. the gym, the sports bar, etc), and date other physicals. They all enjoy the same activities. They are all quite outgoing. The problem is that while they will experience initial attraction to each other, it fizzles quickly into brother-sister non-passionate relationship that’s more like good friends than romantic partners. So, while it is tempting to say the passion will always die in every relationship, I think it’s more accurate to say, the attraction of opposites will remain, on a slow burn after the initial flame-up, whereas the attraction of sameness fizzles out faster and becomes just plain non-existent.

It could be Fernando and his girlfriend were too similar, and didn’t complement each other’s personalities enough. Opposites attract. Some similarities are important for making a relationship work (i.e. you both want kids or you don’t; you both want to live in the city or you don’t; etc). The the surface similarities like having an outgoing personality or not, or sharing the same hobbies, etc, are less important, and can be a “decoy” in dating that keeps you locked in a pattern of dating the wrong people.

By: artemis

artemis — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 06:17:15 +0000

I agree starthrower68
I have recently entered into a casual relationship that provides me with that “high”. I played online for a long time and recently went off to gain that spiritual/high feeling you describe. I know it is wrong and will eventually end but it is addictive and I can’t stop. My marriage has been rocky for a long time and I use that as an excuse to justify “playing” which I know is wrong….thanks for posting it gives me some insight I needed…

By: Laney

Laney — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 23:38:59 +0000

I’m so in love with a guy who is not in love with me I cry everyday because I’m so upset. I even quit my job when my friend told me the news that he were engaged. I couldn’t face going into work everyday upset and in such a state. I can’t blame him though because you can’t make someone fall in love with you.

I didn’t even have a serious relationship with the guy but all I know is, is that when you do fall in love it’s the real thing!
He is currently not with the girl he had fallen for because she does not love him but to make things worse she is now expecting his child.

He still loves her soo much that he gets upset when out with friends and its written all over his face.

I’m crushed as I have to pretend my feelings are no longer there for him and as he sometimes uses me for sex and once made out he had feelings for me too because I said I would no longer have sex with him because of my feelings are getting in the way. But what I really felt is used.

I never want to fall in love again I just want to enjoy my life as I have wasted so much time.