Comments on: Is it Okay to Love Someone But Not Be “In Love”?

By: Peter

Peter — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 03:26:40 +0000

WE all change throughout our lives. Marriage is about adapting the relationship to those changes. it is about coming back from ferocious confrontation or a decade of glacial coldness and rebuilding. I agree with Evan that it is about choice and will. ”In Love” is the most stupid way to chose a partner imaginable. Develop after you are married. If you can’t develop it then it is your lack of commitment to to any relationship that requires work on your part that is coming out. Marriage is hard work, not pink mist. The Christian injunction to married people to have a lot of sex is very good advice. Waiting for spontaneous sex is never going to work after 2 or 3 years.

By: Vicki

Vicki — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 19:52:15 +0000

Helen at #1 nailed it with the first comment.

Probably, she has met someone else, and is letting Fernando off the hook. She might or might not be dating the other guy, but she’s experiencing a strong attraction for another man who is not Fernando, which is making her question the whole chemistry/foundation of the relationship with Fernando.

They probably have settled into a non-romantic brother-sister type of relationship that lacks passion.

I’d refer the guys reading this to David Shade’s book “Select Women Wisely.” In “Select Men Wisely” (the version of the book for women) he states women need to feel 4 things: appreciation for her uniqueness as an individual/to feel special and that you are supportive of her; to feel a deep emotional connection with you; to feel beautiful/sexy/feminine; and to have hot passionate sex (whether her tastes are extremely vanilla, or extremely the other end of the spectrum – passion needs to be there).

In Fernando’s case, one of those 4 elements is probably missing in his relationship with his girlfriend.

Also, “Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40″, by Gloria MacDonald, states women have 4 components they need for chemistry to be present. If one is lacking, the chemistry will be impaired, and the relationship will fail: 1) liking/respect for the man; 2) the possibility the relationship will continue, that the man is a suitable partner for a permanent commitment; 3) the man is willing to commit to a monogamous relationship (he’s not still involved or emotionally connected to an ex or wife or girlfriend); 4) there is at least some mutual physical attraction (or: no turn-offs that undermine the attraction).

Women can limp along in a relationship for a while if it’s missing one or two of these elements, but eventually they have to find somebody else to fulfill the missing pieces.

If they had a nice, but largely asexual, relationship, her need for passionate sex (as David Shade describes it) or mutual physical attraction (as MacDonald calls it) will be unfulfilled. It can’t stay that way. She will have no choice but to move on eventually.

In addition, I’ve dated men I thought were good-looking, guys whom I respected and who were available, but I just couldn’t visualize myself sharing my whole life with them, waking up with them every day, doing our tax returns together every year, etc etc. It just wasn’t “visualizable” (is that a word? probably not… lol).

So, it’s possible she just couldn’t see herself “with” him forever until she died and was being honest in letting him off the hook so both of them could find that partner they could spend the rest of their lives with.

I don’t think anyone is the villain here.

I’d also recommend a book called “Relationship Strategies: The E & P Attraction.” A lot of people who are “physicals” tend to gather in the same places (i.e. the gym, the sports bar, etc), and date other physicals. They all enjoy the same activities. They are all quite outgoing. The problem is that while they will experience initial attraction to each other, it fizzles quickly into brother-sister non-passionate relationship that’s more like good friends than romantic partners. So, while it is tempting to say the passion will always die in every relationship, I think it’s more accurate to say, the attraction of opposites will remain, on a slow burn after the initial flame-up, whereas the attraction of sameness fizzles out faster and becomes just plain non-existent.

It could be Fernando and his girlfriend were too similar, and didn’t complement each other’s personalities enough. Opposites attract. Some similarities are important for making a relationship work (i.e. you both want kids or you don’t; you both want to live in the city or you don’t; etc). The the surface similarities like having an outgoing personality or not, or sharing the same hobbies, etc, are less important, and can be a “decoy” in dating that keeps you locked in a pattern of dating the wrong people.

By: artemis

artemis — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 06:17:15 +0000

I agree starthrower68
I have recently entered into a casual relationship that provides me with that “high”. I played online for a long time and recently went off to gain that spiritual/high feeling you describe. I know it is wrong and will eventually end but it is addictive and I can’t stop. My marriage has been rocky for a long time and I use that as an excuse to justify “playing” which I know is wrong….thanks for posting it gives me some insight I needed…

By: Laney

Laney — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 23:38:59 +0000

I’m so in love with a guy who is not in love with me I cry everyday because I’m so upset. I even quit my job when my friend told me the news that he were engaged. I couldn’t face going into work everyday upset and in such a state. I can’t blame him though because you can’t make someone fall in love with you.

I didn’t even have a serious relationship with the guy but all I know is, is that when you do fall in love it’s the real thing!
He is currently not with the girl he had fallen for because she does not love him but to make things worse she is now expecting his child.

He still loves her soo much that he gets upset when out with friends and its written all over his face.

I’m crushed as I have to pretend my feelings are no longer there for him and as he sometimes uses me for sex and once made out he had feelings for me too because I said I would no longer have sex with him because of my feelings are getting in the way. But what I really felt is used.

I never want to fall in love again I just want to enjoy my life as I have wasted so much time.

By: moon

moon — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 23:35:31 +0000

I feel the same way… i been going out with my bf (fiance) for 6yrs we are high school sweet hearts… i have never been in a serious relations ship with any one.. he was my (first) and me on his too… now im 23yrs and feel like i love him but no longer in love with him.. its been 6months cense i stared filling like this… i want to LOVE him but i just can’t… i just want to be alone… dont feel like dating anyone… ive never been single… i dont think (14,15 Yrs) count been single… so i really want to be alone… but he LOVES me Alot and he wants to marry me… (We r engaged) but i just dont feel right about this whole thing… i feel Horryble cause i want to make him happy but i want to be happy too… this is not easy… not easy….

By: Cherry

Cherry — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 00:41:21 +0000

I feel like I’m having a similar problem with my current boyfriend. We’re on the very edge of breaking up because he believes that he doesn’t love me anymore. We’ve been dating for two years. I feel as if our relationship has left the “limerence” stage rather than what he feels…. Extremely troubled… I hope all goes well for you..

By: Margo

Margo — Sun, 01 May 2011 00:58:09 +0000

@Vino#15 made the best comment on this situation. That’s it in a nutshell (no pun intended).

By: Kim

Kim — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 20:58:37 +0000

I married my best friend fifteen years ago because I loved him. We are divorced now because I was not “in love” with him. Then I met someone whom I was “in love” with, but alas, in the end, he just didn’t feel the same way about me, so that one didn’t last either. I think both partners have to feel roughly the same way about each other, at any given stage of the relationship … infatuation, deepening and commitment … for things to last. If you start dating and you both feel good about each other, but aren’t “in love,” and then love grows over time and suddenly one day you wake up and realize you are “in love,” then thats good … that relationship may last. Or you can both start out in high passion and then as things mature and deepen over time grow to love. That may last too. Also, I think it is important to realize that love can be nurtured and developed by both partners, or killed by one. It takes both partners to make a good relationship work, but only one to destroy it. Thats just my take on it anyway.

By: Denise

Denise — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 17:23:47 +0000

#108

Sounds like this is a turning point Keri in your life.

He says Im the love of his life and that he’s going to stick with me no matter what.

Although that may be flattering, and you enjoy this type of attention (as we all do Keri), each person ALWAYS comes to a relationship voluntarily, stays in it voluntarily and can leave voluntarily. We do not owe anyone anything. (I would also argue he is invading your boundary by making this kind of statement, even if it’s not exactly quoted. And your allowing him to invade your boundary. I am NOT saying either one of you are bad people or of low character!!)

Not every relationship we start will last our whole lives.

I don’t think anyone but you can determine what may have changed in regard to your feelings, maybe you won’t know for some time, after having more life experiences. However, the bottom line is that you don’t have that sexual desire for this man any longer. It’s sad, but true. Him making a good living and being good looking does not equal sexual desire on your part–those are just superficial things. Sexual desire is deeply emotional.

Based on what you wrote, I do NOT think you are physiologically asexual, the evidence proves otherwise–your post said that for 3 years it was euphoria. Maybe it’s just that you’ve changed…that’s what humans do! Try not to be too hard on yourself or intellectually overanalyze this–ultimately it’s what you feel that counts.

By: Keri

Keri — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 16:27:25 +0000

I really hate that sex is so important. My bf of 5 years and I had instant amazing chemistry when we met. This euphoria lasted for 3 years. By the year 4 we had sex once in a blue. Now it is basically non-existent. Marriage is looming in the horizon and, being that he is my first, I have no idea what is going on. I am just not in the mood. I think he is an attractive man but…I don’t know if I’m just not a very sexual person or if he’s not doing it for me. He is older than me, has a great job, and is pretty stable. He has some growing up to do, but he is very financially responsible. I am trying my darndest to establish myself in my field, am pretty ambitious, and have a lot of responsibilities with my family (we dont live together). He craves the physical intimacy, but I just cant provide it. We even discussed an open relationship for his benefit, but he says he only wants me.

I know he’s a rare find, and though I’ve proposed breaking up many a time given the fact that this relationship may be doomed, he won’t have any of it. He says Im the love of his life and that he’s going to stick with me no matter what. I don’t know what to do…If I’m physiologically asexual, I’m throwing something wonderful away. If I’m not…