Comments on: Do Too Many People Get Married For the Wrong Reasons?

By: Dan

Dan — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 21:21:25 +0000

While opposites attract initially, they repel later. Common values and goals is the right mix. ALso important are attitudes – self centeredness, fears, harboring of ill will from past experiences ( baggage ) needs to be cleaned out.

The time to begin marriage preparation is NOW, not when you are already in a relationship or about to walk the aisle in the church. No marriage should ever start with debt on either side. # 1 destroyer of marriage.
A goal sheet needs to be developed and signed off by both parties.

Marriage is collection of human emotions, mostly celebrating the exhuberence of not being single anymore. BUT – it should be treated MORE like a business where you have an orderly process of living down and an agreement between the parties.

Without these things, guess what? Divorce = 50% rate and climbing.

(Actually Dan, the divorce rate is falling. Sorry to intervene with facts, but they do matter. – EMK)

By: Darren Miller

Darren Miller — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 22:50:13 +0000

I agree, you should have dated your partner at least 2 years before you even think about marrying them. There can be so many issues and hurdles that arise during the first couple of years of your relationship. You need to agree with your partner when it comes to solving or fixing problems. If you jump into marriage too quick and don’t know how your partner reacts in certain situations, it could cause major problems and arguments.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you need to be 100% sure that you can spend the rest of your life with this one person. I know someone who got married at the age of 19 after being with her boyfriend for only a year. In my opinion, she was too young to know herself entirely let alone a guy she had known for just one year.

Their whole relationship before marriage was a ‘bed of roses’. I don’t believe that they spent enough time with each other to experience ‘normal’ couple problems especially seeing as they lived in different towns. They were still very much individuals as opposed to a couple. It’s no surprise, then, that the marriage lasted just 10 months after having a baby.

By: Jason

Jason — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 00:56:31 +0000

@36 – I actually think the institution of Marriage is dying in a long-term traditional sense. Marriage is almost a commodity for those who wait forever to find the right person, or just want to sleep around with many partners. For those who were married, young, and pregnant, its so much easier today to divorce, especially after 20 years when the kids have left home. In the past, men married the first female virgin and had some kids, but would cheat on the side, while staying married (having an unspoken open marriage). Nowadays, women prefer divorce or might have a greater acceptance of honest open sexual relationships. Society has become more open about sexuality and Men have the freedom to increase their number of partners from more than just one woman, if they can afford it of course.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 19:34:24 +0000

@ helene #34, i agree with you. we’re all warned that men are opting out of marriage, and it may well be the case, i don’t know. women now have options too. because women are relational creatures, we can form friendships to get emotional needs met outside of marriage or a romantic relationship. i don’t think any of us would turn down a great relationship if we found it and its a perfectly legitimate desire to have. but i have learned its the “dessert” of life. it’s family and those friends that become family that are the “meat and potatoes”.

By: Jason

Jason — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 19:29:54 +0000

Women get married if they want to have children because having Children out of wedlock is considered immoral.
Because of the Birth Control Pill, women can try out multiple partners before deciding on a Husband. This gives women more choice and power, but it delays the institution of marriage for women, and the longevity of marriages.
This is good because there are more single women around!

By: helene

helene — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 17:32:15 +0000

One important thing that has happened with greater financial independence for women and more accessible divorce is that people can now actually find themselves in a situation where they can’t justify NOT getting divorced! My mother had no career, few outside friends and 3 children to think of, so even if she had been unhappy with my father she would have found it difficult to live with herself if she’d walked away. My situation is the opposite – I have no children, a well paying job and my own circle of friends and support network, therefore when I find myself in a relationship where the terms have become unacceptable to me, then even if I still love the guy I cannot live with myself if I stay and accept his poor treatment of me! There is no way I can justify it in my own mind – if I’ve done my bit to make things work and he’s still being a poor partner to me, I feel OBLIGED to leave him! Anything else would be cowardice!

By: Jack

Jack — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 21:23:29 +0000

From a realism point of view, basing the Marriage Decision only on Love/Compatibility is very idealistic. There are in fact a lot of serious reasons to get married, such as being pregnant, wanting children, getting health insurance, getting legal protection, getting a visa for immigration, and getting financial stability. Of course, we can also eliminate Divorce! Its not always easy to wait around for Love or perfection. If its moral to have children out of wedlock, people may prefer to have a series of Medium Term Relationships ranging from 2-7 years. Given our life expectancy, people want to experience and learn from more Partners. But I think its also important for Men and Women to learn to be better Husbands and Wives, in a marriage or relationship.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 02:27:40 +0000

@SS…
but no, I wasn’t putting their culture down or making generalizations, just pointing out that it’s different, and I think I know enough about it to see the postives and negatives. For example, everyone who wants to get married seems to get married. It’s not a matter of if, but a matter of, well, when I’m ready, I’ll tell my mom and aunt and they’ll get things started and I’ll be married a few months later. And those people seem to work to bond over things other than lust since they don’t get to “try it before they buy it” that often.

But I just think it’s important to note the pros and cons as we critique our own culture. And some things that you might be assuming are different just aren’t(so for example, skin color, education, and income are really important; fail in one of those areas and you get refused A LOT. I worked with a guy whose dad was merciless in his criticism because NONE of the girls that they found wanted to talk to him). If you are going to make the comparison, it’s important to be aware of all of the facts.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 02:18:05 +0000

@SS #27,
Indian arranged marriages (at least among the educated more affluent people that I know) don’t take place the way a lot of Americans seem to think that they do. Now perhaps a generation or two ago, it was different, but my friends in their 20′s and 30′s get introduced to people that they can accept or refuse. And more and more are opting to go it alone and just date (although unlike us, they kind of involve their parents and families sooner I think). I even know a couple of people who got disowned for marrying outside of their caste.

They do very much work like matchmaking, but the courtsthip period is shorter (unless people are finding a bride long distance and need to deal with Visa issues). I’ve had co-workers call me over to check out the pictures that mom, dad, or auntie just sent them, and knowing how it works, I’ve passed pics of Indian friends that I knew were looking on to other Indians.

I don’t know anyone for whom the decision was made by anyone other than themselves though. And I know a couple of Indian Americans who turned to that system after failing repeatedly and just wanting to get married already(including one who had recently proposed to a long term girlfriend).

So the period of solo dating and sex doesn’t occur, but your parents introduce you to friends of friends and children of friends and you are free to accept and reject and then move on to talking to the people that you prefer.

I know “regular Americans” who have used matchmakers, and of course there are Jewish matchmakers too.

And really, in certain social circles this is more or less what goes on as well, but we don’t view it the same way.

By: Jadafisk

Jadafisk — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 00:54:18 +0000

Ya’ll know that in most cultures with arranged marriages, male spousal infidelity is almost expected, right? It’s easy to stay in a marriage with a less than satisfactory partner when you’re still free to find love and sex with someone else.