Comments on: Is Race Just A “State Of Mind” In Online Dating?

By: Celia

Celia — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 23:30:55 +0000

I have read a lot of these and found them to be quite interesting. As a black woman growing up as a minority amongst mostly whites I spent a lot of my high school and college years single and unpursued by men of any race. I felt ugly and lonely despite older women and friends raving about how beautiful I was. I decided to try online dating later on in college and found a lot of profiles had the “Ill date anyone but black women” taG lines. Yes, it was hurtful to read these… Very much so. I didn’t understand how some people could be so blatantly mean. Like Sayanta, I couldn’t help but notice how some of these people couldn’t picture themselves on the other end and be more courteous to these black women who would read their profile and be hurt by it. I understand we all have preferences. I do as well; but if a person has my level of education and cultural interests I would give them the time of day anyhow. Unfortunately most people I encountered on dating sites did not share this open-minded view of mine.
Some people did, however. I had to “read their eyes” like I think Sayanta mentioned above to figure out if they only sought me out for “fun” or a “trustworthy companionship.” It was a really long, hard journey. Lots of first dates and some questionable “relationships” but I managed to avoid being used as a persistent blow up doll Using that instinct alone.
To turn around a sad story, I found the one! Hes half Asian and white and he shares the common interests that I do. We met online and were just friends for years and one day we met. We are married now and I’m quite happy as he loves me, finds me beautiful and accepts me for who I am.
i was interested in this article as I still have many black female friends struggling out there. It really is harder for us to find love and appreciation from the opposite sex. I don’t know if its stereotypes, prejudice or a basic American preference for European beauty (as we reflect the race most different from that Scandinavian beauty so many men find irresistible). This all can be really psychological damaging for black women who, like all women, desire love and genuine compassion. I grew up in that environment and it took me a really long time to love and appreciate myself because of it. Yes, I’ll always be a little thicker despite diet and exercise. My nose isnt pointy, my skin isnt going to get any lighter, my hair is thick and curly. I’ll never have the dainty, petite, slender build some men desire. But I have accepted who I am and continue each day to love myself more. I appreciate my differences and have embraced them. Nobody can take that away from me, and boy have they tried! I just hope my friends hang in there and stay strong. It wasn’t easy for me but there is someone out there who will love them for the wonderful women they are. Same goes for the women in this thread. Stay in there, be strong, love yourself and someone will love you too. He’s out there somewhere. Good luck ladies. I enjoyed your posts.

By: ATLdater

ATLdater — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 22:23:11 +0000

I’ve just stumbled on this site for the first time, so I have no idea if this thread is recent or years old, but what a fascinating discussion!

For comparison, I’d like to weigh in from a point of view I haven’t seen yet: a gay man’s perspective. A lot of the same crap goes on with online dating on our side too, but with some differences.

Sayanta and SS (#14, #19)
I’d say in the gay male world, it’s exactly the reverse of the situation you describe. The older men get, the MORE relaxed they seem to get with the idea of interracial dating. Unsurprisingly, men of color tend to get there before white men, but in the end I find that it’s rare for men in their 40s or 50s of any race to list strong racial exclusions in their profile.

Meanwhile, it’s something you see in nearly every profile for men under 30. The most common is for them to exclude everyone but their own race (i.e., white only, black only, etc.), something which I honestly don’t have a problem with. But then the next most common thing seems to be to list everything EXCEPT black, or often everything EXCEPT Asian. That I do find repulsive.

There are a couple of factors, I think:

#1) Age: gay men over 50 are toast within our culture and so if you’re 55 there’s no reason to narrow your pool any more than absolutely necessary.

#2) Status: Young gay men can be extremely status conscious. It’s almost like family pressure, I think. Just as it’s been described above that Indian parents pressure their sons to marry within the race, there’s a similar pressure among gay men to have a “hot” boyfriend. When you’re 26 that almost always means someone who’s typical of the race of your social group and with six-pack abs. It’s less important what YOU think of him, would EVERYONE ELSE think he’s hot? No gay guy would ever admit this is true, of course, but believe me it is. Karl referred to a similar thing in #28. It’s less about people’s preferences and more about what they think everyone else will think. By the time they reach 40 or 50, you just don’t care as much about what your friends think.

To Sherell (#44) and Nicole (#45), I completely feel that! I’ve never gotten an email from a “no blacks” type profile, but I have gotten winks, favorites, and multiple visits over time. (I am black and have dated men of all races.) Yes, when you fill out a profile, it’s in the abstract. It’s not concrete with real people in mind. So people seem to mostly go with their prejudices and stereotypes. Most of these young guys are probably looking for an Ashton Kutcher or a James Franco, but are so creeped out by the specter of an email from Uncle Remus that they’d shut out a Shemar Moore or a Tyson Beckford in the process, whom they would certainly NOT turn down in person.

That’s why I think SS, Nicole, myself and others get these contacts. In the abstract those men think “they’re all ghetto”. But then when faced with actual human beings, they find that we have a FULL RANGE of education, looks, jobs, lifestyles, preferences, and concerns just like everyone else.

This gets at some of what Sarah talked about in #31. I too have found myself on occasion flipping through Match profiles as though I’m flipping through a furniture catalog. Nope, too tall. Nope, too fat. Nope, his hair looks weird. Etc., etc. Whenever I do that, I go back and try to remember that people aren’t furniture. I may not initially be attracted to a heavyset man, say, but then I remember the guy I met at a party years ago who was overweight and was totally smart and charming and wonderful, and with whom I had a brief fling that was nice while it lasted. (We broke it off for reasons having nothing to do with his weight.) Or, I used to say that blonds can’t do anything for me but point me to the dark men. But then I fell head-over-heels for a beautiful bolt of lightening who came into my life over the summer, who was… you guessed it, blond.

Now I basically don’t put any preferences in my profile because I’ve realized that I’m not designing a sofa, I’m entering (potentially) into a relationship. And in my experience at least, it’s possible to be quite surprised by who you would be compatible with. Why rule any of that out?

By: Jeff

Jeff — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 11:03:14 +0000

Just to elaborate on my previous post, it isn’t only just how a person of a race sees the opposite sex of another race differently from their own…they also, subconciously or otherwise, ACT differently towards the other race. e.g. asian women are (in general) demanding authoritarians when dating asian men – but are submissive, eager to please when with a white man. It’s an exclusively asian women trait too – white women (who date black men) do this, but nowhere near as common as the above.

It’s the ingrained animosity, usually towards their own races’ men, which in turn makes them more open to others.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 10:36:05 +0000

Daphne 42
The Asian men I have dated- including extremely good-looking and successful men, have had a reasonable and not arrogant view of themselves.

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I think that’s why the stereotypes (there are quite a few of them) have been allowed to perpetuate and grow – because asians (or orientals over here) lack that arrogance that dispels and kills it off, whilst white men continue that – and with their arrogance, push their agenda – which of course is to label other races other than their own as poor catches.

SS 17
I also think that while Asian women are definitely perceived as submissive by most groups of men, white women are not perceived that way by white MEN. In fact, most white men that I know laugh at the idea that white women are supposed to be more submissive or easier to get along with in a general sense. The only men that seem to have this perception are minority men.
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I’ve noticed with such assumptions in the pairings – whilst going like for like (same race), the woman and the man never have that submissive view of each other. But a different race does e.g. an asian man would never say an asian woman is submissive, and and asian woman would never say an asian man is a wuss, based on their interactions and “history” with each other….but to other races, the asian man is a weakling, and the asian woman is a submissive little flower.

Same goes for whites, there’s a “grass is always greener” mental element coming into play. And of course the long reaching and ever present stereotypes for asians (both men and women) that have stayed in western society – not on the surface, but always between the lines – that influences mindsets.

By: Sayanta

Sayanta — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:33:08 +0000

Sorry for the double post but it just occurred to me- Nicole, have you ever asked any guy why he would email you after he specifically said no black women in his profile? If someone calls them on it, I’ve got to wonder how they would respond. I should do that next time.

By: SS

SS — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:10:32 +0000

Hey Sayanta… I think I mentioned what I used to do. For the most part, I just ignored the guys who excluded black women but still wrote me/winked at me, but a few times I got so annoyed that I wrote to them what I mentioned in #6.
I would specifically ask these men why they wrote me when they stated in their profile that they were interested in every race of woman BUT black, and yet, they wrote me, a black woman.

None of them ever wrote me back, btw. One could say that maybe I didn’t need to bother doing this, but hey, I considered it my little blow against their prejudices. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me if some men aren’t interested in women of certain ethnicities (we all have a right to our preferences), but if that’s the case, then don’t contact women of those specific groups because you might find their pictures hot or possibly want to have a sexual experience!
Like you said, I don’t see why it’s so difficult to just leave race open and then only search for the women of your desired group. And if someone of the group you don’t like contacts you, just ignore her.

By: Sayanta

Sayanta — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:09:12 +0000

Nicole-

You definitely sound frustrated with the whole online dating thing- I sympathize completely. Like I’ve said before, it’s really very hard for dark-skinned women on those sites. I wish I could offer genuine words of encouragement about the whole thing…but well, I can’t. Men, no matter where they live or are raised, will prefer light-skinned blondes. They may not get that, but they prefer that. I guess I have to make peace with that.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:54:39 +0000

@Sayanta, I ignore them. You get three types. You get some who say “no black chicks” but send you a more or less normal email, which I delete. You get some who say “no black chicks” but “I’d like to have sex with one so how about it?” which of course SCREAMS to me the stereotypes that they likely believe about black women, even the ones who have nice jobs and are educated. I delete those too. Then you get the ones who don’t have any preferences, send a normal first email but get inappropriate or racist pretty fast (e.g., trying to get permission to ask some offensive question about racialized sexual stereotypes). I mean, I only told one person that I could tell he was veering into offensive territory so I was done. But normally I’d just delete and block at that point too. They aren’t worth anything else b/c I also don’t want to “clue them in” about what they are doing wrong. I’d hate for another WOC to go out with a racist who got tips on how to hide it.

@Joe, if you are conducting a SEARCH on Match that lets you FILTER out people you search for, why the need to exclude those races in your profile? You don’t like them, then don’t include them in your search. Match’s algorithm will ALWAYS send you matches who don’t meet all of your criteria. That’s how I’m sure I get seen by men who “don’t like black women.” I filter out men who don’t have college degrees or higher. But I get plenty of matches emailed to me who don’t have them. But again, when I’m SEARCHING on Match, I filter those people out.

And did you read anything that we were writing? If you say “no black chicks” in your profile, then don’t EFFING email ME. I’m a black chick. Not some vaguely ethnic, light skinned one that you could convince yourself wasn’t really black. You don’t like them. You put it in your profile, and then email like like I’m what, supposed to be flattered to be the one Black woman in America that you think doesn’t suck? WTF?

Those guys should set the filter on their search for no black women and they should not contact black women EVER. Problem solved.

Actually, the whole thing has been kind of gross to me and I haven’t bothered with any of it for MONTHS.

I think I just need to move someplace where there are more black women and black people in the general population b/c I dislike the real life scene where I currently live too, and I see few black people and people make it obvious that they think it’s something weird to be. It’s not about needing a black man, b/c I don’t think it’s most important thing, but about finding men who are used to being around black people and black women and don’t think we are all undateable aliens.

By: Sayanta

Sayanta — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:45:03 +0000

Joe-

Yes, but what I’m saying is there’s no need to put your race preference ON your proflie. If you do a search on your own, it obviously doesn’t matter what race pref you put- no ones going to see you searching anyway.

By: Joe

Joe — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:10:52 +0000

Sayanta: it can be a practical matter. If you don’t exclude the ethnicities you aren’t interested in, then your search results can be rather long.