My Boyfriend Only Contacts Me Every Couple of Days. Am I Overreacting?

I started seeing this guy in November, we were acquaintances and reconnected via online dating. When we started dating late last year, everything seemed like a great fit. Similar interests, serious physical attraction, and good, balanced and honest communication got us through the first month. Since then, however, there’s just been a lot going on for both of us. Between weeks of solo travel, getting swamped with work, and going through multiple serious personal tragedies and losses, we still found time to go out on legitimate dates and dinners and eventually we became intimate.

At the end of February, we had an honest conversation and discovered that we were both still dating around. I’m still going on dates with others because I don’t want to rush into a relationship after how serious and heavy my last relationship was, and he said he hadn’t planned to be in anything serious when he met me and needs time to get there. We discussed this reasonably and I felt good about the outcome. The next day, I went out of town for a week and didn’t hear from him. The day I got back he reached out and said he missed me, but the month flew by and we barely saw each other thanks to our hectic schedules.

Now I’m itching for exclusivity. We have a lot of fun, we get along great, we support each other, and we still have serious chemistry— but I really only feel this when we’re physically in each other’s presence.

You always say believe the negatives, ignore the positives. And I feel as though my only negative, based on your guidelines for future boyfriends, is that he doesn’t contact me daily. I never feel as though he’s forgotten about me or is pulling a disappearing act. However, he only initiates texts or sends emails every couple days and has slowed down on phone calls. I’m busy enough to not be waiting by my phone, but I’m not so self-assured that it doesn’t hurt me. I rarely reach out, because I’m taking your “just say yes” advice. Since the start of our relationship, I’ve called him only 4 or 5 times. I initiate texts maybe once a week. Is it possible that I am taking your advice too far or is he disinterested and unavailable?

Simpatico or Sayonara?

Darlene

Darlene,

I have a handful of philosophies which I trot out from time to time on this blog.

One, as you said, is to “do nothing.” By not taking the initiative – and not reminding him that you’re alive and waiting for him – you get to see whether he’s truly into you. A man who is into you calls, plans dates, keeps in touch in between, commits, and makes you feel valued as a girlfriend. A man who is not into you doesn’t do these things.

That brings me to my other philosophy, “men do what they want.” I’m surprised at how often we can forget commonsense things like that. It’s almost as if your emotion is clouding your judgment. It’s almost as if what you WANT to be true is superseding what IS true. Actually, it’s exactly like that. As a result, women stay in dead-end relationships with men who don’t call them, commit to them, or talk about a future with them.

You’ve known this guy since November and he’s still not your boyfriend. Wouldn’t that be a good indication that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend?

So why wouldn’t a man call, commit, or talk about a future, Darlene?

Because he doesn’t WANT to.

So when you say that your only negative is that he doesn’t contact you daily, you’re whitewashing what’s patently obvious to any casual observer:

You’ve known this guy since November and he’s still not your boyfriend.

Wouldn’t that be a good indication that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend?

I mean you can – and will – come up with excuses and justifications, some of which are partially valid. You didn’t want to get serious after your last relationship. He was looking for other women online while he was sleeping with you. Weeks can go by without seeing each other. Objectively, it would seem like this guy is not highly motivated to take you off the market and claim you for himself. Objectively, it would seem like this guy is either not emotionally available to anyone, or that he simply doesn’t like you enough to be his exclusive girlfriend.

My boyfriend only contacts me every couple of daysYour next move is to tell him the truth: you’re looking for a boyfriend, not an occasional texting buddy, dinner companion, and sex partner. If he’s not gonna step it up, you’re gonna step out. (Tweet this quote!)

Sadly, I predict that’s exactly what will happen.

Oh, and by the way, don’t have that (or any other serious relationship) conversation via text. Talk to him like an adult, and maybe he’ll respond like one.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    starthrower68

    These are the crown jewels in Evan’s gems of wisdom. Take them seriously and they will save you much drama and heartache and drama. 

  2. 2
    starthrower68

    I didn’t mean to say drama twice, but saying it twice sorta fits. :-)

  3. 3
    Karmic Equation

    He’s NOT your boyfriend, which means “every day contact” is something you shouldn’t expect. Therefore, if you expect it you’re overreacting to a FWB relationship. You can want it, you can ask for it, but he’s under no obligation to provide it. Because he is not your bf.
     
    If you like the guy, and no one better is around, stay in the NSA relationship but continue to date other men. Sleep with them if you want to. If he hasn’t made you his gf by now, you can be certain that’s exactly what he’s doing.
     
    If you want him to be your bf, you need to have the talk as Evan suggests, but be prepared to be disappointed. Do you know how you’re going to react when he says he doesn’t want to be exclusive and likes it the way things are? If you’re not prepared to walk away, are you ready to stay in the NSA relationship? You need to know what you’re willing to do before you have the conversation. Crying is not an option. You need to be poker faced and extremely logical, but honest. He’ll respect you for that attitude. You may still walk away empty-handed so to speak, but a calm, logical demeanor when you have the talk will gain you his respect, if nothing else.

  4. 4
    Wendy

    What I’ve learned from my previous failed relationships is that I waited for the man to commit and when he wouldn’t, I’d make excuses for his lack of commitment by giving him more time…blah!  I’m done playing the game.  I think men act the way they do a lot of times because women let them get away with it.  I don’t think women realize we have the power and lowering our standards let’s men get away with this.  If more women knew what they wanted, how they wanted to be treated, and didn’t have such flimsy boundaries, we’d all be better off…

  5. 5
    Star jump

    Great advice, Evan. I was in a similar situation last year, we didn’t have a conversation but I wrote him a letter and then stepped out. I felt that we wanted different things and that I needed to move on to find someone else. He wasn’t my bf, I wanted more, he didn’t because he had come out of a tough break up. The way I saw it was this: if it wasn’t what he wanted, then so be it. No point taking these things too personally. To be honest, I had already fallen for this guy but I wanted to be with someone who wanted me too. He received my letter, responded kindly, confirmed he wasn’t ready for a relationship and wished me well.

    I then broke off all contact with him because I needed to move on. To some, it may seem harsh but it ended up being the best thing. I started to date again, met a couple of nice guys that I went on some dates with. A couple of months passed by and in this time, he tried to contact me and pursue me. I didn’t respond, not because I was playing games but because I was trying to move on and didn’t want to fall back into the old pattern of casual dates. I knew what I wanted and didn’t want to accept less. Something strange happened that I didn’t expect…he changed his mind. Of his own accord. In his own time…we’ve now been together for 7 months and he’s a different man to what he was like before. It’s early days and I’m not getting carried away with chemistry like I used to. As a result, things are developing at their own pace. 

    To the writer of the letter and others like her….when a man wants you to be his gf, he will show it. Because he wants to and he can’t help how he feels. Even when you’re not interested. If he’s not feeling it, it could be down to various reasons: bad timing, lack of interest….you can’t force these things and nor should you.

     

    1. 5.1
      Rebecca

      Ah StarJump, how I would like to be able to write this post in a few months.  I got as far as walking away from a relationship with a man who was decidedly not my boyfriend despite my best fantasies in that regard.  In the meantime I’m probably sabotaging possible relationships by comparing new guys to Mark, but I’ve decided to let that just be the thing that helps me walk away easily from relationships that aren’t going anywhere.  It’s still early days.

  6. 6
    ScottH

    As a guy, I just don’t agree with the philosophy about expecting the guy to initiate most of the conversation.  Darlene said that she’s only called 4-5 times in the relationship and initiates texts once a week.  If I was dating someone like that, I’d seriously wonder if she was into me.  Just saying “yes” all the time isn’t enough and it wouldn’t feel right (to me).  I want a partner who communicates and doesn’t play games waiting for me to make all the moves.  I was dating someone recently who didn’t initiate communication and I was wondering all the time what the heck she was thinking.  I hated it.  Turned out, she just wasn’t into me.  Ok…  that was consistent with her actions.
    Go ahead and text him (but don’t smother him).  Email him.  Keep the communication balanced and moving.  Don’t just wait and say “yes.”  At least not for me.  
     

    1. 6.1
      Joe

      This.  There’s gotta be some give and take.  If Darlene is just doing all the taking (of cues) from the guy, maybe he just thinks she’s just not that into him.

      Also: Darlene didn’t say anything about quitting dating around.  If I was dating a woman who was dating around, I sure as hell would not commit to being her boyfriend.

      1. 6.1.1
        Julia

        honestly, this is always how I dated.

      2. 6.1.2
        Karmic Equation

        If a guy wants more contact, he should just initiate more texts and calls. Why does a girl have to do that? If a GUY is into a girl, he should be contacting her regularly.

        If a guy is waiting around for a girl to show how “into him” SHE is before he steps up, that’s either a power play or the guy is beta.

        If a guy is beta, a girl needs to be able to suss that out and do a little more. However, if the guy doesn’t ask for more dates, it’s hard to assess that. So guys, if you ARE beta, keep asking for dates to show your interest. The worst that can happen is a girl turns you down for date #2. So what. But if a girl DOES go on date 2 with you, odds are she’s interested, at which point you just keep asking her out if you like her. And keep in contact. What’s wrong with doing that? I don’t get it. 

        1. Kyra

          I agree with Karmic Equation on this a bit. If you ask a woman out and she says “yes” or continues to say yes to your offers, there’s your answer. She’s interested.I don’t necessarily see it as game playing if she’s not initiating texts or phone calls, she’s allowing the man to take the leadership role in the relationship.

          I know I’ve been in a couple of dating situations where I sat back, didn’t initiate and responded politely and with great interest to dates, phone calls, texts, etc. The moment I decided to “show more interest” and initiate texts or phone calls or an invitation to my place for dinner was the *very* moment they disappeared.  

          I like Evan’s advice of “do nothing.” When a man is my boyfriend, then I’ll initiate and contact much, much more. 

    2. 6.2
      Karl S

      I always thought the idea was to “mirror”, so that if a guy initiates a certain amount, you initiate things back in equal degree, but no more than that. If he slacks off, you slack off (and also mentally prepare to move on).

      1. 6.2.1
        Karmic Equation

        Agreed. That’s what should happen before the guy is your bf. Once a guy is a bf, then the gf can initiate as often as she likes, but shouldn’t make a habit of “blowing up” his phone.

    3. 6.3
      ScottH

      Actually, isn’t that the essence of flirting?  You let each other know that there’s interest and the rest falls into place from there?  Won’t a healthy relationship “self-regulate”?  I thought it was the woman’s job to flirt and the guy, knowing that she’s interested, takes the lead from there.  If she doesn’t flirt, doesn’t send signals that she’s interested, then I presume that she’s not.
      I once had a gf who contacted me a lot, and I loved it.  I knew what she was thinking and what she wanted and (until it ended), we were well balanced and on the same page, until she became consistently emotionally unavailable (ouch, I loved that girl). 

      1. 6.3.1
        Sunflower

        I think the issue here is the OP slept with the so-called “boyfriend” before the relationship was defined.  Maybe if she would have waited to see (like Evan points out) how the relationship evolved naturally she would have seen that he’s not that into her.  Now, after the fact, she’s become attached to him and his lack of enthusiasm for her is bugging her.   

        1. Lau_ra

          Pfff…so if a relationship is defined in, say, 3 months, a grown up woman is expected to stay celibate for all of that time? Seriously? That might suit some religious lady, but I wouldn’t take a man as a bf without checking if were compatible at this point. 

  7. 7
    Elle

    It’s not always that clear-cut though. My boyfriend took 4 months to “claim” me and take me off the market. We weren’t seeing anyone else, we’d had the exclusivity talk, but he didn’t want to make it official because he said when he gets involved seriously with someone, he wants to do it knowing it is what he wants and that it won’t end a few months down the road. That sounded good to me, but at the same time, I kept thinking of Evan’s advice, that if he wanted to be my boyfriend, then he’d be my boyfriend. I was starting to think he didn’t really want to (I told him as much) but I didn’t have the courage yet to walk. Finally, he decided to make it official because he felt I might leave. It’s not the best way to start a relationship. He felt I was giving him (almost) an ultimatum, and I felt bad because I didn’t want it to be an ultimatum… All that said, it’s 9 months later and we are still together and very happy. 

    So I don’t know. Maybe sometimes it’s OK to wait a little, give someone the benefit of the doubt? One thing’s for sure, if she is now ready for exclusivity or a relationship, she should have a talk with him. 

    1. 7.1
      Kiki

      It makes sense to wait if you are sure the guy is not seeing anyone else. If you know that for sure, and you really like the guy, it makes a lot of sense to wait for him to become your boyfriend when he is ready. But if he has made it clear that he is seeing other people, and his actions show that he has only lukewarm interest in you…I feel so sorry for this girl.

  8. 8
    N

    This man is not into you. 

  9. 9
    Clare

    What struck me when I was reading Darlene’s letter is how two people can look at the same set of facts, and see something totally different, depending on their emotions. She describes what is happening between them as if there *is* some sort of relationship already, as if they have feelings and obligations towards one another, as if commitment has already been offered and it’s all down to her to make a decision. I look at this and see a casual dating arrangement which, if it were happening in my life, I would barely give any thought or feeling to. Barely seeing each other in a month? She’s gone for a week and there’s no contact at all? That’s not a relationship. That’s not even something I’d take seriously at all. Sure she can initiate contact a bit more if she wants to but I don’t think it will change anything. The way I see it she has two options – withdraw her feelings and expectations completely and enjoy it for the casual dating arrangement that it is. Or have a heart to heart conversation with him that will almost certainly end in disappointment. I know what I’d do – take my focus way off him and date other guys, like Karmic Equation said.

    1. 9.1
      Joe

      She already said in her letter/e-mail that she was dating other guys.  She did not indicate anywhere that she has stopped that.

      She also mentioned the “chemistry.”  Evan has pointed the chemistry blind spot  time and again–that is another failure point for her.  She mentioned only feeling the chemistry when they’re together…that is a clear indication that most of what there is between these two people is lust.

      1. 9.1.1
        Clare

        Well, if she is still dating other guys then she should just continue to do that, as he hasn’t asked her to be his girlfriend. Withdrawing her feelings is the more important part. My point is I wouldn’t invest in/agonise over something like this.

    2. 9.2
      starthrower68

      It maybe the difference between seeing what is vs. seeing what we wish to be.

  10. 10
    sbme

    Great Posts!

  11. 11
    SAL9000

    Hmmm. Pretty simple for me as a guy – a girl won’t ever be be my GF if she starts off by dating/sleeping around and not initiating at least 50% of contact. I don’t think I’m a rare in this. (And if I am, even better for me ;)).

  12. 12
    Morris

    When I read this I got the feeling they just aren’t that into each other and are just casually dating.  She only feels ‘it’ when they are physically together or now that he is pulling back?  He can go weeks/months without much contact?  Both still dating around?  Doesn’t sound like a solid foundation for a good relationship.

    Have the talk.  Can’t hurt and maybe it will lead to something.  But I wouldn’t count on it. 

    1. 12.1
      Noquay

      Very true. What she will get is clarity, one way or the other. There is an element here of wanting it both ways, casual dating/sleeping with others, not initiating any contact, yet wanting constant contact plus a mutual emotional connection. 

  13. 13
    starthrower68

    So Evan I am curious: there are a couple of men who say they want more aggressive women.  What say you to that?  Are they the exception, or have we now officially entered the days where the woman is now the initiator and the man is receptive? 

    1. 13.1
      Jenn

      Based on my own experience and from the countless stories from other women I’ve read, I’ve come to the conclusion that what most guys say about liking it when women initiate things, is only partially true. They may like it when a woman contacts, they may be flattered when she suggests dates or shows a lot of interest, but it won’t make them crazy about her. In fact, even in cases where the guy starts off with a really high interest level, it can quickly erode once a woman starts showing too much interest right away. People always value something more when they have to work for it. That’s true for women, too. I am always more intrigued than put off when a guy is mysterious and doesn’t show too much interest right off the bat. Too much too soon can quickly kill any attraction that is still developing. I once had a guy with whom I had only gone on two dates tell me, “Is it too soon for me to tell you I like you?”. It made me feel good in the moment, but over time, texts like that killed the attraction I initially felt (which admittedly was not sky-high to begin with). He even sent me an acronym of my name via text: “J- joyful, E- engaging, N- nature lover, N- nice all around!” All of this within a few weeks after our first and second dates. He was very sweet but I just wasn’t feeling it after that. So yes, being a challenge works for both sexes! 

      1. 13.1.1
        JennLee

        You make great points. We are conditioned as children that the best things in life we don’t get to have, or they are restricted in the amount we can have them, or we are made to work hard for them. It may be too expensive, or it may be like ice cream, which is bad for you when eaten in excess, or it might be good grades, or getting to go to a concert with friends that we have to work hard for.

        So it shouldn’t come as a surprise when we treat love the same way. But maybe we have it backwards? Many of our favorite stories are of men who are so smitten with a woman after the first meeting that he will go to great lengths to get her. Such as Cinderella. The Prince is so smitten he carries the glass slipper around with him having women try it on. Others will fight dragons to save the woman, or go on a quest to find her.

        Maybe the way we treat love is why we have so many divorces. Maybe the women who can get past an initial pulling away from an initially ardent paramour find themselves with a man who will stick with her through thick and thin. But then maybe we are a large part of the problem with high divorce rates because we are so fickle.

        Who knows. But I think many men have to hide how much they like a woman because we have this insane need to feel like we are getting the best we can get to the point that if a man actually truly desires us, we think he must not be the best we can get, so we go after a guy who is harder to get, and let’s all gasp in shock when he doesn’t really love us. He too was chasing after his pinnacle, which wasn’t us. Maybe our need get the best genes we can for our offspring supersedes our need to be truly loved and cherished and this drives how we act in the dating game.

        1. Clare

          I disagree. I don’t think it’s the availability of a thing per se that makes us not desire it, I think it’s the neediness, the clinginess, the sense of obligation which is what erodes our desire. At least, that is true for me. I am not put off at all by a man loving me, being interested in me… in fact I think this is wonderful, and really rather essential.
           
          But needy texts, phone calls and declarations of love which seem to require a *response* from me, which seem to obligate me, demand my attention and make me responsible for how he feels (such as the classic “why aren’t you responding to my messages?” or “don’t you feel the same way?”) yuck. Anything that seems to want to control how *I* respond kills my attraction stone dead.
           
          The reason I know it’s not about a guy being too interested in me, or loving me too much, is because I’ve had guys in my life who were very much in love with me, and I felt the same way. But they didn’t act like wet blankets about it, they were confident, masculine, exercised common sense about expressing their feelings (no 10 e-mails a day, or lame acronyms of my name) and took responsibility for their own feelings. They didn’t demand I respond in a particular way or that I felt the same, and as a result, I had the space and the safety to fall in love with them in return.
           
          I wish people would consider, before they do anything with the opposite sex, or express their feelings, whether they would find that some behavior being done to them attractive. I think we’d have a lot more attraction and a lot less heartbreak.

  14. 14
    Dave

    Good posts here by Scott, Karl and Joe above.  As a guy, yes we should be initiating contact.  But after 3 or more months, if the girl of my affections only called me 4 or 5 times total, I’d be seriously considering whether she was into me – just as those guys mentioned.  On both sides, not much is worse than feeling like you are putting effort into a relationship with someone that you see a future with and feeling like the other is only taking.  Communication goes both ways.  After a certain period of time it gets really difficult to feel connected with someone who only says “yes” when you ask while minimally reciprocating with initiated communication.  IMO, when you get past the early dating stages, you will have a better track record with guys if you give a guy a little bit of a break and initiate communication at some pace a least near to what he does.
    Making an effort to be challenging (Jenn’s 13.1 post above) might work in the early stages, but after quite a few months, I don’t think guys respond well to that anymore.  If you are constantly a challenge, you become difficult.  Men (or at least I) don’t like difficult.
    I have no idea whether Darlene’s guy wants her to be his exclusive girlfriend.  When in doubt, ask.  Could be he doesn’t want to be.  Or it could be that he just doesn’t think you are into him.  With the minimal effort that Darlene put forth, it could be either.
     

    1. 14.1
      Karmic Equation

      It’s a really simple idea. If you don’t ask a girl to be your gf after three months of dating, then you’re not into HER, so WHY should she initiate?
       
      After three months of dating, and YOU want more initiation from her? Simple. Ask her to be your exclusive girl friend and most women would gladly start initiating. Because frankly, holding back is hard to do :)
       
      But you have to step up first and offer/ask for that exclusivity. If you’re not willing to offer exclusivity after three months a girl SHOULD chill out and start looking elsewhere for someone more into HER. Not start chasing ol’ uncommittal you.

      1. 14.1.1
        Dave

        Karmic, I have always liked your straight up viewpoints, and I appreciate this one as well.  My only reply is, after I close up shop on this… if a girl wants to be someone’s gf, shouldn’t she communicate like a gf?  (Again, after an appropriate amount of time).  A guy constantly putting himself out there is doing his part communication-wise.  If I thought a girl really was not that into me because she rarely initiated communication, it wouldn’t be me being “ol’ uncommittal” by not taking the next step, it would be me being “ol’ weary” about initiating the next step with her.

        1. Karmic Equation

           

          ”  …if a girl wants to be someone’s gf, shouldn’t she communicate like a gf?”
           
          Generally speaking, absolutely not :)
           
          Most men would take that as presumptuous and chasing if he hasn’t asked her to be his gf. 
           
          However, if you HAVE asked her to be your gf and she accepts, then YES, she should communicate like a gf. And believe me, most women WILL do that. Happily.
           
          But until the status of the relationship is clear to both parties, initiating like a gf before the gf status is conferred CAN and WILL make a girl appear at best, needy, at worst, stalkerish, to the majority of men.
           
          Therefore, THAT expectation, for a girl who is NOT clearly your gf, to communicate like a gf, is setting her up for failure on many, many levels. 
           
          Men are the gatekeepers to relationships. You need to own that part of dating. If you want her as your gf, ask. The worst that can happen is she says no. Then you move on to the next girl. Don’t take it any personally. More girls want to have a bf than there are guys who want to be bfs. If a girl has agreed to multiple dates with you over the course of 3 months, you CAN safely assume, in most cases, that she does want to be your gf.
           
          Don’t be afraid to ask. Don’t be afraid of no. Be confident that whatever the outcome, you’ll end up fine…or ecstatic :)

           

    2. 14.2
      Androgynous

      This ! And the fact that 1) they both agreed they wanted to date casually 2) they both admitted the wanted to continue seeing other people 3) she hadn’t escalated the relationship or tried to steer the casual relationship they had toward a different direction. Then suddenly out of the blue he has to step up or step out ??? She is trying to reap what she did not sow. It reminds me of a “former” friend of mine who never contacted me over an extended period of time, did not return my calls and then suddenly expecting me to do stuff for her wedding on the basis of our “friendship” ?
      The take-away I had from this story is this : 
      1) Be really sure what you want – whether it is casual sex/dating or a real relaionship based on mutual respect
      2) If you want casual sex/dating – make this very very clear to the other person. You reserve the right to change your mind, but if you do,
      3) You cannot expect the other person to “step up” especially after you’ve been casual for a long time.  The other person will be naturally suspicious of your motives and level of committment.
      4) If you want to be casual because you are not sure of the other person, you have to make that decision FAST. Do you keep that person casual for a long time while you make up your mind. See 3).
       

    3. 14.3
      Clare

      You make a good point, Dave. I think after a certain amount of time it is perfectly ok, and really rather lovely, if a woman initiates contact now and then, or sends the guy the odd message to let him know she is thinking of him or what have you. I have a personal rule that if it has been a couple of months and things have been going well, and if I feel it will be well-received, I do like to let my interest shine through by initiating a bit of contact to let him know he is valued.

    4. 14.4
      Jenn

      Dave,  there is a huge difference between being a challenge and being difficult.  I may not lay all my cards on the table, but that doesn’t mean I’m hard to live with.  I like guys to take the lead because it makes them feel like a man.  Men feel good when they’re with me because of that.  Guys who are truly crazy about a woman are not keeping track of things like how many times she contacts him.  Tit for tat may work in many areas of life,  but in love,  that logic doesn’t work.  

  15. 15
    jennifer

    My favorite part of the whole post: Oh, and by the way, don’t have that (or any other serious relationship) conversation via text. Talk to him like an adult, and maybe he’ll respond like one.

  16. 16
    ScottH

    It’s true that guys do what they want to, as they should.  But it’s also true that women do what they want to, as they should.   Who should do something in a relationship that they don’t want to do?  Nobody.
    This whole business of letting the guy do all the initiating sounds a lot like playing hard to get.  My mother told me to do that in grade school and after thinking about it, I told her if everybody plays hard to get,  then nobody gets gotten.
    I certainly agree that somebody moving too fast is a turnoff, especially when you really aren’t into them that much.  It’s also a sign of an emotionally unhealthy person (insecure and other things).  But she’s gotta let me know that she wants me to contact her daily or I’ll feel like she’s not that much of a communicator.   How else is she going to do that without some initiation?   I’m not talking about the woman becoming aggressive and the guy becoming receptive.   I’m talking about balance and sensibility.  Isn’t the relationship we’re talking about an intimate friendship?  The friendship part includes balanced communication.

    1. 16.1
      Karmic Equation

       
      “But she’s gotta let me know that she wants me to contact her daily or I’ll feel like she’s not that much of a communicator.”
       
      That’s a fair expectation. If a woman wants daily contact from a man she’s been seeing for 3 months, she should tell him that so that he knows, particularly if he isn’t automatically doing that.
       
      My last bf though just did it automatically. We had hooked up a few times first and after the first night I spent at his place, he started calling me every day. I didn’t have to ask. He never asked me to be his gf “officially”, but those phone calls were to make arrangements to meet after work or to chat and say he couldn’t meet. It was nice. I liked that take charge attitude.
       
      In Evan’s latest book, he encourages women to just assume yes when on dates. Yes, he’s attracted to you. Yes, he wants to see you again, etc. I would encourage men who aren’t alpha to also take up that same confident attitude and assume Yes, that a woman he’s dating wants to hear from him every day.
       
      I’ve only had one date thus far with a hot firefighter. But even BEFORE that first date, he was initiating simple texts every day “GM Karmic” and I’d respond. We’d trade a few texts until the next day. Occasionally he’ll call as well. Then we had our first date, chemistry was great, both physical and mental. Conflicting schedules have made it difficult to get in a second date, but he nonetheless continues to text GM or Hi every day. It’s much appreciated, enough to show he’s thinking of me, but not in the least clingy. I respond in kind. No pressure on either side. Just maintaining a simple connection through every day contact.

       

      1. 16.1.1
        Kiki

        Karmic,
        hot firefighter! This is so achetypically sexy, I am thrilled for you. What happened to the personal trainer?

        1. Karmic Equation

          Thanks, Kiki,
           
          I’m still dating the personal trainer whilst dating other men. The trainer and I aren’t serious and we’re both free to date other people. The epitome of circular dating :) The hot firefighter is the first man I’ve dated that I connected with, and with whom I see some relationship-potential, since I started dating my p.t. And, as my best friend says to me, “Finally, someone age-appropriate!”
           
          I’m in no hurry. The complexity of getting to a second date would probably frustrate other women. And I’m pretty sure he’s perplexed as to why I’m so affable and not in a hurry for a second date. (He’s been working a lot of OT shifts, and his weekends are spent with his 16yo son who’s into motorcross.)
           
          And tomorrow, I have a date with a real-estate flipper who used to teach yoga. He’s a good looking version of Dana Carvey (who is not my typical “type”) — but he wrote me a very intersting intro, so we’ll see how that goes. I swear I find the most interesting people online!
           
          That’s what happens when you don’t put all your eggs in one basket. There’s no need to hurry and you just let things play out organically.

        2. Clare

          Karmic,
           
          LOVE your approach, and it’s absolutely what I believe in as well.

  17. 17
    SparklingEmerald

    Scott@16 said  “This whole business of letting the guy do all the initiating sounds a lot like playing hard to get.”
    Actually, playing hard to get would be when the guy initiates, the girl hesitates, hems & haws, and is usually “busy”.  Playing hard to get is NEVER answering his call and always letting it go to voice mail, then taking 24 hours to return the call. 
    If  a guy asks a girl out and she says “Yes !”, how is that playing hard to get ?   If a guy calls a girl, and she picks up the phone, and says “Hello John, good to hear from you !”  How is that playing hard to get ?  If she honestly can’t get the call right away, she returns it promptly.  If a guy asks a girl out and she honestly has a prior engagement, how is saying, ” I would LOVE to go see that movie with you on Sunday afternoon, but I really have another commitment, does Monday or Tuesday night work for you ?”, how is that playing hard to get ?
    There’s a difference between being receptive and playing hard to get.  There’s also a difference between responding to a man’s initiative with warmth and enthusiasm and chasing a man.
     
    Of course, after a man says, “I don’t want anyone but you.  Let’s cancel our match.com and be a couple” and the girls says “Yes”  the girl can do some initiating.  But prior to being a couple, I don’t feel comfortable, and it usually doesn’t work.  Guys complain that girls who chase are “clingy”.

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