After six months, I have discovered (the hard way!) that the man I was becoming more and more attached to is an “ambivalent” man, a commitmentphobe, a “runner.” I’m heartbroken, of course. My question, even after “How Do I Get Him Back”: would he or could he ever change, even with all your relationship assistance and my best efforts?
Do I even want him back? I’m 65, twice widowed, and marriage isn’t a priority for me at this point, but a commitment and loyalty and reliability in my man definitely are.
I’ve been a dating coach for seven years now. In that time, I’ve had nearly 1000 private clients who have engaged http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/. A decent percentage of them (10-15%) started working with me while they were already dating men.
You want to know how many of them ended up with those men?
That’s right. Not ONE woman who has EVER come to me with a “man she’s seeing” ended up marrying him.
This may be shocking to you – or it may be utterly predictable. After all, women in happy, healthy, relationships don’t usually shell out $4500 for dating coaching.
Not ONE woman who has EVER come to me with a “man she’s seeing” ended up marrying him.
To me, this illustrates the tremendous power of wishful thinking. The idea that a man who is emotionally unavailable after three months will suddenly become emotionally available after six. Or that the man who never talks about a future with you will suddenly see the light. Or that the guy who disappears for a week is secretly in love with you. This delusion is so commonplace that a book like “He’s Just Not that Into You” was seen as revelatory, when to men it could have been subtitled, “Duh.”
Put another way: if you let go of an apple from chin height, you’d expect it to drop, wouldn’t you? Of course. Because every time you’ve ever let go of an apple, it hit the floor.
So look back at your experiences with two kinds of men: the men who turned into your best boyfriends and the kind where you didn’t know where you stood.
The men who became your committed boyfriends did one thing: they made an effort and talked about a future. “What are you doing tomorrow? How about the next day? What about this weeknend? Let’s make plans for the holidays. I want you to meet my family. Did you get my voice mail last night? I think I’m falling in love with you.”
The men who left you walking on eggshells did the complete opposite. A great night of passion is invariably followed by five days of silence. Maybe a text to say, “what’s up?”
The men who became your committed boyfriends did one thing: they made an effort and talked about a future.
Is it not clear which men have long-term potential?
Is it not clear that in waiting for a man who needs a once-a-week partner to change his mind, you could lose years of your life?
Finally, is it not clear that there is only one answer to “How Do I Get Him Back?”
You don’t get him back because you never had him to begin with.
You don’t get him back because he doesn’t want you badly enough.
You don’t get him back because he makes for one selfish and shitty life partner.
Do you need any more evidence, Jen?
If you truly prize loyalty, reliability, and commitment over, say, money and chemistry, then start choosing men who are loyal, reliable and commitment-oriented.
This is one of the main messages of “Why He Disappeared.” You can’t change a man who doesn’t want to change.
All you can do is leave him for a man who DOES want to value, cherish and commit to you. It all begins with you.
Click here to check out “Why He Disappeared” and let go of the pain of non-committal men forever.