Can I Get My Ex-Girlfriend Back By Stalking Her (With Kindness)?

Dear Evan,

I’ll start from the beginning. I met this girl 11 months ago when she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me the first night we went out together on my birthday and we were together every day for 10 1/2 months. She felt guilty for what she did to him throughout the whole relationship but gave me a chance. 6 months ago, we started fighting what seemed like everyday. She broke up with a month ago because she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and because of her ex. 2 weeks ago, she called me while I was at work to tell me that she had agreed to go back out with him. Last weekend I was desperate to see her while she was on vacation in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. I had a cute idea of going down there from King of Prussia, PA with flowers and no idea of what to say to her when I saw her except to reconsider her relationship with her boyfriend. I asked her mom for directions and her mom refused to be a part of my idea. When she came back, her parents sat her down and forbade her to talk or see me. She told me this and I panicked. I sent her 2 dozen flowers and a teddy bear, which her mom refused the package. I picked up the package and decided to deliver it myself.

But when I showed up, her mom called the police on me. I’m not allowed to call her house or come to see her unless she agrees to meet me elsewhere. I know this sounds ridiculous but I still love her. I want what I can’t have and I have done just about everything wrong in a relationship you could without cheating on her. The day I sent her flowers, she called me crying to tell me she wasn’t the one who refused the gifts and that she didn’t want to do this, but that we wouldn’t work out, considering she has a boyfriend now and doesn’t want to hurt him and doesn’t want to disobey her parents. She agreed to meet up with me the other night to tell me the same thing, but I was so happy to see her, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I have since then written her a poem called “Angel in my Bed” and today is her birthday. I’m not allowed to see her and I have a diamond ring waiting for her. I know it was wrong for me to get a promise ring for someone who doesn’t want to be with me but I get so irrational when it comes to her. I guess that’s why I have lost her. But please help me any way that you can.

Matt

Dear Matt,

There is only one way to tackle this letter, and that’s line by line. Please reserve judgment until the very end – where Matt explodes from embarrassment at his lovelorn behavior.

I met this girl 11 months ago when she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me the first night we went out together on my birthday.

Okay, STOP!

Not that everyone who has ever cheated deserves to wear a scarlet letter, but let’s just say that infidelity is not the most promising start to a relationship.

She felt guilty for what she did to him throughout the whole relationship but gave me a chance.

That’s sweet of her. When does the Vatican finally approve her for sainthood?

6 months ago, we started fighting what seemed like every day. She broke up with a month ago because she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and because of her ex. 2 weeks ago, she called me while I was at work to tell me that she had agreed to go back out with him.

You’re fighting.

She broke up with you.

She didn’t want to be in a relationship.

She went back to her ex-boyfriend, whom she prefers over you.

This is sounding suspiciously like Dan’s painful email to me last month, in which I let him know that his girlfriend WASN’T HIS GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE. It’s amazing how guys are the last to realize this….

Last weekend I was desperate to see her while she was on vacation in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.

Key word: desperate

I had a cute idea of going down there from King of Prussia, PA with flowers and no idea of what to say to her when I saw her except to reconsider her relationship with her boyfriend.

That cute encounter might have been awkward, especially if her boyfriend was on top of her while you were making your impromptu relationship-saving speech.

I asked her mom for directions and her mom refused to be a part of my idea. When she came back, her parents sat her down and forbade her to talk or see me.

I’m not a big fan of parental intervention when it comes to adult relationships. Then again, I’m not sure this qualifies as “adult”:

She told me this and I panicked. I sent her 2 dozen flowers and a teddy bear, which her mom refused the package. I picked up the package and decided to deliver it myself.

I think I read something about an astronaut in Depends who had a similar concept of romance.

But when I showed up, her mom called the police on me. I’m not allowed to call her house or come to see her unless she agrees to meet me elsewhere.

Um, Matt? Shouldn’t she WANT to agree to meet you? How about standing outside her house with a boombox that plays Peter Gabriel music? The bad news is that she probably won’t come out. The good news is that you can climb up to her window with all the candy, flowers and stuffed animals you’ve brought.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I still love her. I want what I can’t have and I have done just about everything wrong in a relationship you could without cheating on her.

Really? You think?

The day I sent her flowers, she called me crying to tell me she wasn’t the one who refused the gifts and that she didn’t want to do this, but that we wouldn’t work out, considering she has a boyfriend now and doesn’t want to hurt him and doesn’t want to disobey her parents.

Fair enough.

She agreed to meet up with me the other night to tell me the same thing, but I was so happy to see her, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I have since then written her a poem called “Angel in my Bed” and today is her birthday.

Oh no. Oh, dear God, no…

I’m not allowed to see her and I have a diamond ring waiting for her.

Yes.

I know it was wrong for me to get a promise ring for someone who doesn’t want to be with me but I get so irrational when it comes to her. I guess that’s why I have lost her.

You can’t say he’s not self-aware…

But please help me any way that you can.

I hope this painful dissection is a start.

Lest you think I’m callous or rude or mean in my response to Matt’s futile courtship of his ex (and I have been – for the sake of entertainment), you should know that I called him personally on the phone the day after I got his email….

He’s a nice, heartsick twenty-year-old kid who is hopelessly in love. And he rightfully wanted to believe that there was a snowball’s chance in hell of this working out.

I let him know in kind, but firm, terms that there was not.

I was too late. He had already given her the ring. Which she briefly accepted and then returned. A predictably heart-wrenching conclusion to this sordid, Shakespearesque tale.

Before hanging up, I let Matt know that I was going to run a fuller response to his question in this blog.

Matt, I hope you’re reading this.

It’s not that your feelings weren’t real; it’s that it takes two to tango. And if you’re the only one on the dance floor, you run a high risk of looking silly.

I’m sorry about your relationship, buddy. I hope you’re on your way to healing.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Roger

    Wow Matt! You’ve definitely got to back off. You’re giving us men a bad name. I know you probably love her dearly, but that doesn’t mean begging and following her around are ok. And it sure as hell ain’t gonna help you get her back. I think the most effective thing you can do is try to forget her. If you can’t do that, then simply touch base with her every months, in a very gentle non-pushy manner, to see if she’s interested in seeing you again. But, for God’s sake, leave her alone now.

  2. 2
    smartcookie

    Did you tell Matt that maybe he should go to a therapist? Stalking is VERY scary and I think the responses here are direct, but not direct enough.

    Someone needs to explain to Matt that what he did was wrong-he needs to learn that no means no and that is it. I read his story with chills as I have been on the other side of this twice in my life and it was really scary.

    When someone feels the need to call the police or even threaten calling the police, that is a sign of a VERY serious problem.

  3. 3
    Ben

    Mat a girl that cheat with you when she have a boy friend will cheat on you when you are marid with some one else.(personal experiance)

  4. 4
    Alison

    Matt is 20, important part of this, and probably has seen far too many romantic movies.

    Therapy and a new focus would be a good idea. It is not that young people can’t love, it is that they often do not know ‘how’ , nor do they know themselves enough to love and protect themselves. They are also not independent enough yet to feel secure, so often behave in desparate manners.

    (I know beacause I have been there)

    Also, one can’t buy love either.

    What is important is developing self respect, personal strength, perspective, an understanding how love is an action, and that may involve letting a loved one go so he/she can grow, and then growing oneself.

    and yes Evan- it takes two to tango .

    Maybe Matt should learn to tango- I highly recommend it to all!

  5. 5
    redheadfromtdot

    Is this guy for real?

  6. 6
    smartguy

    dude if u want any chance of getting her back u need to back off and let her come to u. u need to make her jelious get another girl perhaps better looking then her. do something diff. with ur hair maybe get nicer clothes maybe work out. the best thing u can do is to show no intrest in her anymore n just show her u r doing fine without her and that u dont need her anymore

  7. 7
    mark

    dude what the hell you taking? put down the stress pill and pick up a playboy realise the world is a big place. get on with your life and make her jealous get a new girlfriend and start going running or workin out or somat and if she ever had any feelings for you what so ever she’ll realise what a good thing she had. if she didnt then its not worth waiting for her. but again dude you gotta lay off a little or you’ll scare off new potential

  8. 8
    downtowngal

    Matt, all good advice here (I mean, HELLO?!?!? The COPS???). And I have to wonder about this woman who kept agreeing to see you and even accepted your ring (albeit only initially)? Sounds as if she’s stringing you along because she likes the attention – DRAMA QUEEN ALERT.

    I’m sure you feelings are real, but dude, run, run run and get over this one. Go on vacation, take up a new hobby, do something. Whatever it is you had would have NEVER made for a good relationship no matter how hard you tried.

  9. 9
    jeff

    Hi
    I am Jeff , I am 24 and still a virgin, 9 months back i had a girl how already had a boy friend. I cam e to knew her form my work place . We were good friend, suddenly few things happen and i have to quite my job. On my last day of work she was very confused and sad I asked the reason ,In reply she proposed me. i was very happy to see some one loving me .As time passed on we started meeting privately. After 2 months she had some problems back home so she has to go to her country, but she was in touch with me by phone and my sms. One day i was disparate to see her, so i called her country and she said she was about get married with her ex and i was shocked. I realised that I was speechless and week at that point .Later She came back and was behaving very strangely. I requested to meet her one day so that we can finish misunderstanding , at first she said ok but suddenly she called me and said she cant meet me, and gave me some flack reason . I recognised that and got upset then send very strong message, which i think destroyed our friendship. As the days passed on i convinced her to be my friend but I never get call or msg she just respond me with 1 word answer or get angry on every normal msg . I am very much stressed and disappointed my new year party was ruined and I just dream about her every second .With in short period we are going to meet on a friends marriage she will be coming to party with her boy friend (who is also a casual friend of mine ) , i kindly request you to help me too get her back, please give some tips how should I approach her . (I want to get back her at least as friend). Being single i am going crazy.
    Please help me

  10. 10
    verbosity

    If our boy Matt can’t connect the dots here, no amount of pointed posts will help…

  11. 11
    Selena

    Jeff,
    I can’t tell you how to get this woman back, because frankly, it doesn’t sound like you ever really had her. In the 9 mos. you’ve known her she’s had a boyfriend (more than one?), is getting married? And has told you pretty clearly she wants you to back off. I don’t know what she did with you actually for those 2 months she was seeing you privately, but it appears she either didn’t take it seriously, or her feelings changed.

    You need to let this one go Jeff. Take all the advice given to Matt and apply it to yourself. You can’t be friends with her because you don’t feel “just friendly”. Consider bringing a date to the wedding.

  12. 12
    Rachel

    THE GIRL WASN’T WORTH IT. Matt, I hope you get a chance to read this. I’m guessing there was some sort of ego rush, in stealing the proverbial forbidden fruit. “Oh, this beautiful girl wants me instead of that other guy, I am a golden god.” When she wanted to leave, you needed that ego rush back. “Am I losing the it factor?” Feel free to disagree, but I believe that the pursuit of her was not so much about love, it was an attempt to preserve your pride and dignity. There’s another way to do that: letting go, achieving things in your life, and getting a better girlfriend. LOOK, If she cheated on her boyfriend to get with you, then OPEN YOUR EYES. Obviously she didn’t know how to deal with people honestly. Why would you think she’d treat YOU any differently? Because you’re special? No no no, she’s on a control trip, and you gave up all the power to her. Hey, if that ex had so little self-respect to get back with a cheater, he’ll join that world of pain again soon. She’ll cheat with some other guy to control that relationship, feel bad, maybe get back together again. Be glad you were set free.

  13. 13
    dhitt

    I’ve worked on this kind of behavior before and it is very, very, very difficult to break. Because his enjoyment isn’t coming from her… it’s coming from himself. Evan is giving him great advice but I find that people in this state of mind (fulfilling their fantasies within their own mind) need an entirely different approach to break him free of his current habits.

    It really depends on his motivation for writing… does he just want his fantasy to touch reality (through the internet) or is he actually asking for help. At this point I would refuse him service as there are plenty of clients who want to become exciting to women.

    I think that although Evan’s answers were great, what makes his entry interesting is that it’s like watching a train go off the rails…

    dhitt´s last blog post…

  14. 14
    starthrower68

    Methinks women do not have the market completely cornered on drama.

  15. 15
    D

    You can to jail then……….. Or get your a** kicked your choice buddy !

  16. 16
    get my ex back

    Well in my own assessment we have this mutual feelings we can not resist if this is coming but then if you are really prepared for the outcome there are great escape and choice for you to go out and not to do the same mistakes all over again.

  17. 17
    NonExist

    Trying to build a relationship with a woman who is cheating with you on her man is walking into a tenuous situation.
    Seems like another case of reboud with the added deceit.
    I’d say it might help Matt to seek counseling to help him sort through his feelings and to be able to handl;e them in the future.

  18. 18
    valery

    can you all stop hitting poor guy? he tried hard, did not get wrong, went to all sorts. All this slapping is enough to give at least fear forever, depression and prompt to extreme. It was the wrong girl, get over it ( with some heartbreak, but this mainly in your head because you are too nice, life is not like that). You can be ideal boyfriend next time
     

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