How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart

How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart
I invite you to think of the last time you were emotionally invested in a man.

It could have been a promising prospect you met online, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.

The common denominator is that this man, who took your breath away and gave you hope, ultimately left you.

Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped.

I know how it feels. Most people do. You stake your dreams on the integrity of your relationship, only to find out that he had eyes for someone else, that he had major issues with you, or that he wasn’t ready to commit to you.

This can be devastating. It can make you mistrustful. It can make you lose faith. It can stop you from dating entirely.

But the hardest part is how, far too often, you never quite get over him.

Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped. It makes perfect sense. He might have broken up with you, but that doesn’t mean you love him any less.

This exact scenario happened recently with my client, Wanda, who was still recovering from a short relationship with a man she met on JDate.

They had gotten physical after 5 dates, took down their profiles, and gave an exclusive relationship a shot. Two and a half months later, he broke things off. Said he wasn’t feeling what he thought he should be feeling. Said it wasn’t her fault. Said he wanted to remain friends.

So Wanda has remained friends with her ex – and has remained in love with him as well.

Needless to say, it’s extremely hard for her to move on. Every new man gets unfavorably compared to the ex. It’s not that she’s wrong; Wanda can’t help herself. She felt that dizzy, passionate, “in love” feeling, and even though the ex is gone, the feeling still lingers.

But should it?

Hell, no!

Wanda’s is wondering about how to get him back. She’s hoping that their friendship turns back into a relationship. She’s “dating” but not really giving herself to the process.

In other words, she is pining for the return of a man who does not love her unconditionally.

Talk about a bad plan. Then again, you’ve probably done the same thing. If you’re still holding onto a man from your past, my eBook, Why He Disappeared will show you how to instantly let go.

But let me ask you: don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally? Wouldn’t you figure that this should be a pre-condition for any man who’s going to spend his life with you? I sure do.

In fact, if I’m building the perfect man, I’m starting there and working backwards:

1)    Most important quality: Loves you unconditionally. Will stick by you for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.

2)    Second most important quality: Everything else – height, weight, age, income, education, etc.

Yet all I hear about, over and over, is the amazing, tall, cute, sexy, charismatic, funny, successful guy who breaks your heart when he doesn’t want to commit to you.

Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is.

…He was willing to let you go.

Well, guess what?

That guy SUCKS!

Your husband DOESN’T leave you.

Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his fundamental flaw.

And you’re holding onto an idealized image of him – hoping he comes back.

Why? So when you get him back, he STILL doesn’t love you unconditionally?

Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is. It’s not that he’s not a great catch on paper. But in practice, he’s a terrible life partner for you for one reason.

He was willing to let you go.

Now it’s time for you to let him go.

Same thing with any man who broke your heart in the past. Let him go.

Only then can you open up to true love – the kind that endures forever.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    bleh

    @Denise
    Not all people (and that goes for women as well as men) take the feelings of others into account before they speak or act. It doesn’t mean they’re evil sociopaths, just that they’re human. Some people are just confused and trying to figure stuff out. Other people may like you, but also may feel that they don’t like you enough yet to commit fully. They are hedging their bets and seeing if their feelings may change, which could never happen.
    Basically Evan really did sum it up best when he said “Have cake, eat it too.”
    Sorry. Not all guys–not all people–will do this. And if they do, just don’t put up with it. The power’s in your hands.

  2. 32
    david

    Re — the posters mentioning guys playing games.
    It occurred to me that guys really don’t play games.
    Guys only want 3 things from women:

    - They want to f-you.
    - They want to friend you.
    - They want you for their girlfriend/want to date you.

    That’s it. We’re real black and white.
    I think the problem is when women can’t tell the distinction what a man wants from them. Guy texts you at the last minute and asks you to come over after being MIA for 2 weeks? He wants to have sex with you. He doesn’t want to date you. He’s not playing games — he’s not sending mixed signals — he’s sending ONE signal you are not reading. It’s not a green or red (although the light might have been at one time) — it’s a flashing yellow. What’s a flashing yellow mean? According to Allstate:
    Flashing yellow means proceed with caution. It’s an indication that there’s adangerous intersection, congested road or another unusual traffic condition ahead.
     

    Slow down, approach with caution, and be ready to act accordingly
    Keep your eyes open and analyze the elements around you
    Concentrate on those that are an immediate safety threat
    Prepare to react to the unexpected action of others (vehicles or pedestrians)
    Take the time to observe every hazard, decide what to do about each, and react properly

    You might come back at me and scream, “But he was so nice to me that weekend, said this, bought me that, texted this, did that at one time, seemed like he was interested, then not — just runs hot and cold.” And I’m going to tell you what I told a female friend when she cited a bunch of similar examples of game playing a guy she knew was doing. I said, “He’s not playing games. He’s an ASSHOLE.”
    This is a guy who has a lot of options or he’s keeping his options open. More often than not, he’s devastatingly handsome (think Clooney when he was in ‘ER’) and to quote Greg Behrendt – he’s really not that into you. Guys know what’s acceptable and what’s good behavior and what’s not. Yeah, he’s really into you, but only WHEN HE wants to be. He doesn’t want to date you – if he did, he’d be more considerate of your time and feelings. He’s an asshole or a player.
    Good guys don’t play games. We don’t send mixed signals.

    1. 32.1
      Sabine

      I totally agree with your comments. I just ended it with a guy like this.  I cried so hard and my bestie reminded me that this is who he is and it won’t change and he is not reliable. Then it hit me (like a truck derby!)  I won’t let him treat me like a time filler or as second best. It’s not worth my time. There are way way way too many great guys out there that are awesome!  Thanks for hitting this straight on the nose! I really needed to read this!!!

  3. 33
    Andrea

    Denise #30,
    Did it occur to you that just getting a response from you is enough for this particular man?  I’m not sure why you need to “address” the issue of no contact.  Block his number or email (I’m not sure how he is IM’ing you), or just ignore it.
    The fact that you take time to “discuss” this with him is probably enough for him.  Whether you really feel this way or not, in his eyes, his has “riled” you up. The whole power play is not always about just sex.
    I’d say the same for Jojo…her ex has got her all twisted up inside, wondering why he isn’t calling, and he probably knows that this is the case.
    I think that any man who understands how much women analyze and overanalyze things knows that a text, IM, or random email, which takes him 5 secs to fire off, triggers hours, days, and weeks of analysis and possibly even pain on your part, and in this case, numerous comments on multiple threads on a dating blog.
    I’d say that in both cases (and especially in the case of Jojo’s ex)-Mission accomplished!
    David’s advice is perfect.  Men don’t send mixed signals.  They send signals that you choose to ignore (and trust me ladies, I’ve done the same thing myself, and I really do think that the people in question light the fire and then skip merrily on their way).
    Trust me, typing that out just now was as cathartic for me as I hope it is for you.

  4. 34
    Denise

    #33, 34 & 35

    Thanks to all for your comments!  There’s a lot of history with this man that I haven’t shared, and there’s history about me personally and not allowing this stuff in my life (I made a commitment to myself to remove 5 men out of my life that had been ‘hanging around’, not serving any meaningful purpose in my life and taking up ‘space’–he is one of them and I thought I had accomplished my goal!).  Suffice it to say that in general, this is a man of high character and maturity, we had an awesome relationship which he fully acknowledges, he was just out of a long marriage and didn’t want to be in another relationship.  Totally understand that.  This was back in 2009.  He’s contacting me in a respectful, although generic way.

    I know fully well that I will have to handle this, and will do it in a way I think is appropriate.  My only point in asking is why men do this?  It just seems stupid, I would never do that back to a man that asked that we not contact each other any more.  Ultimately, in my situation, I gather he’s trying to keep his foot in the door with me. 

    #34 David

    He’s not playing games. He’s an ASSHOLE

    In the situation you described, call it what you want, he’s playing games.   Men doing this are ABSOLUTELY sending mixed signals…reread your post about what your women friends comment about!   

    “But he was so nice to me that weekend, said this, bought me that, texted this, did that at one time, seemed like he was interested, then not — just runs hot and cold.”

    For men playing games in your scenario, he is pulling the woman in the way he knows will get her emotions so he can have sex, get her attention, whatever he wants.  Women play games by telling a man, “Yes, I’ll call you this weekend”, then never calls.  Or “Yes, sure, we can go out this weekend, call me”, then she never answers or doesn’t return the calls.

  5. 35
    starthrower68

    The minute a woman starts to see the hot & cold pattern emerge, that’s the the time to bail.  Don’t analyze it, just save spare yourself the stress and walk.  A lesson I’ve had to learn a time or two.

  6. 37
    Ms. Trace

    According to Evan, that guy who leaves you SUCKS. True. but how do you get over the fact that this SUCKY guy who happens to be charismatic, successful, good looking, intelligent eventually will find another woman that he will treat like gold? And you are left heartbroken and asking for advice from dating coaches who tell you to value character over charisma, loyalty over success, thoughtfulness over intelligence. And that some other woman will get that SUCKY guy who will be committed to her AND is charismatic, successful, good looking and intelligent?  Of course no guy is perfect and that charismatic guy certainly has his flaws, but can’t Evan come up with better advice than a more sophisticated “sour grapes” strategy for smart, strong, successful women?

    1. 37.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Ms. Trace “Can’t Evan come up with better advice than a more sophisticated “sour grapes” strategy for smart, strong, successful women?”

      This is probably its own blog post, but a) that is SO not a sour grapes strategy and b) you are SO missing the point of dating coaching.

      It’s not sour grapes to acknowledge that George Clooney may be a great guy, but he’s a SHITTY HUSBAND. It’s called wisdom.

      Because that’s where you’re incorrect. That guy will NOT treat another woman like gold. He’s just going to continue to break hearts over and over again because he’s selfish, narcissistic and/or not ready for a real relationship.

      This is the ENTIRE point of Why He Disappeared: let go of your anger when the wrong guy disappears and focus on attracting the right guy.

      And if the “right guys” always disappear from you, I write advice 3-4 times a week to help you learn to attract and keep them. Most of it involves being cool, patient, feminine, nurturing, easygoing, understanding, and choosing good men. If you’re doing all of the above, the charismatic, successful, good looking, intelligent, relationship-oriented guy is going to stick around.

      It’s either him or it’s you. Which are you going to change?

  7. 38
    Andrea

    @Denise #36,
    There seems to be this tendency for women to justify bad behavior based on what someone “used to” do or how they “used to”a act.  The whole point is that when someone shows you that their feelings have changed, you should judge them based on that, and not based on the past behavior, no matter how good it seemed(and no matter how tempting it might be to believe the current supposed level of interest).
    It might mean that what was done in the past was a lie, but it can also just mean that the feelings have changed or the passion has cooled.
    In my opinion, looking at it that way, the women who is surprised that someone shows up to spend the night, acts very attentive and nice to get what he wants, and then disappears for weeks shouldn’t be.  That isn’t game playing.  It’s not ambiguous at all, which to me is what game playing is. That man is a jerk, he shows himself to be a jerk, but most women will analyze it to come to the conclusion that he isn’t a jerk. Yet, he is showing quite clearly that he is not serious about or committed to you.
    I realize that this last part doesn’t apply to you, but I do think my first point does.  Your relationship with this man may have been good and enjoyable while you were in it, and as you said, he was respectful when he was in it.
    But you need to judge him on the fact that now he isn’t being respectful. He doesn’t need to be sending vulgar or insulting or suggestive emails/IMs for that to be true.  You asked him to stay out of your life, and he has ignored that request and contacts you when he sees fit.  So that is disrespectful.
    To me, a lot of behavior is dismissed as game playing when you compare now to then.  I think that each attempt at contact, is viewed by you as a sign that he wants to get together, or at least keep the option open.  But I think that you need to compare now to now, and I think that is why David’s comment is spot on.  A man who doesn’t respect your boundaries, no matter how innocuous it all seems, is being a jerk.
    Hot and cold means, “I am not serious about you, I am not committed to you” (the reason doesn’t matter), however I will act hot so you’ll sleep with me or consider getting with me in the future.  This is why I agree that it isn’t game playing.  It is not trickery at all.
    You’ve already said that you wouldn’t do this to someone.  I’m sure you consider respecting someone’s request not to contact you as a nice and decent thing to so.  So why is the fact that this man won’t honor that request not a sign to you that he isn’t in fact so nice or decent?
    He’s showing you exactly who he is right now but you are giving him too much credit based on the point in your former relationship when things were more consistent.  But he also ended things telling you that he didn’t want a relationship, and now you’re deciding that his periodic contact means that he didn’t really mean that.  He already told you what he wanted, so believe that and don’t contact him again.
    It’s interesting to me that when men do tell us exactly what they feel, we are so quick to dismiss it and overanalyze it later, especially if the truth isn’t what we wanted to hear.
     

  8. 39
    Selena

    @Star # 37

    AMEN.

  9. 40
    Denise

    #39

    asked him to stay out of your life, and he has ignored that request and contacts you when he sees fit.  So that is disrespectful.

    I’m sure you consider respecting someone’s request not to contact you as a nice and decent thing to so.  So why is the fact that this man won’t honor that request not a sign to you that he isn’t in fact so nice or decent?

    Agreed.  I don’t think he’s not a decent man, I just think he has his boundary hole and he’s invading my boundary now. 

    I think that each attempt at contact, is (WAS) viewed by you as a sign that he wants to get together, or at least keep the option open.

    Agreed, I added (WAS) to your sentent above.  We’ll have to agree to disagree on the term of ‘game playing’ and what that stands for.  Whenever I see men’s on line profiles that they don’t want to play games, what I described is what they are saying (I confirmed it with a man :).  I never thought of it the other way, until I analyzed this man and the way he was interacting with me.  That’s when I finally said ENOUGH, and asked him not to contact me.

    so believe that and don’t contact him again

    I do NOT contact him, repeat, do NOT contact him.  I have no desire to contact him.

    Thanks for your thoughts Andrea!  I really didn’t need any advice on all of this :).  I simply wanted to know why a man does these kinds of things.  I think like Dave said, it’s one of the 3 things he’s listed, PLUS to keep the door open to something in the future. 

  10. 41
    david

    Thanks for nice, supportive words bout my post — I thought I would get taken out at the knees….
    I’ve heard women say “No answer is THE / AN answer”, well similarly, “Mixed signals is A / THE signal”
    Also, I’ve learned to distinguish between some woman liking me and liking the attention I give her. Huge, huge distinction…and took a long, long time to figure out…

  11. 42
    Andrea

    @Denise #42,
    Well, it is helpful for me to read this things and sometimes type them out, because some of them are things that I hadn’t considered and had yet to form an opinion on, but it’s helpful to see posts like David’s and to realize, yes, I agree with that, and I wish I’d seen his advice sooner. My response was partially in response to Jojo’s story, your story, and stuff in my own head, so I realized writing it that some of it didn’t apply to you b/c you didn’t sound confused or as if you were yearning for this man.
    Also, I did need your advice on keeping myself positive and in the right frame of mind as I meet new people, so thank you for that (it was on another thread), and both you and Karl R. gave sound advice (and I’ll just keep practicing until I get there).

  12. 43
    Andrea

    Funny, Evan’s comment is so timely (and maybe that isn’t a coincidence) since Mr. Clooney just announced that he will never marry again, and Clooney or not, I immediately thought, wow, I would actually HATE to be his girlfriend who has just heard announced to the world that he doesn’t intend to marry her (not that marriage means anything is permanent, but it still means she’s more easily disposed of).

  13. 44
    Karl R

    Ms. Trace asked: (#39)
    “how do you get over the fact that this SUCKY guy who happens to be charismatic, successful, good looking, intelligent eventually will find another woman that he will treat like gold?”

    By reevaluating your priorities. Seriously.

    Have you ever been in a relationship which was relaxed? One in which you were comfortable being yourself? One with no stress?

    Have you ever been in a relationship that was tense? One in which you never knew when the next fight would be, or what it would be about? One where the anxious moment equaled (or exceeded) the good moments?

    I suspect you haven’t. Because if you’ve been in a comfortable relationship that’s effortless, you won’t trade it for a stressful, uncomfortable relationship … even if the stressful relationship is with the most incredible person (on the outside).

    The hottest woman I’ve ever met, who is also a bright, funny friend of mine, is now married to one of my coworkers. Before they started dating, I considered the possibility of dating her. But I realized that her priorities and mine didn’t match. She’s in a great relationship with my coworker, instead of a miserable relationship with me.

    I can’t see any reason to be upset that I’m not in a miserable relationship. Even if she is hot, intelligent and funny. The same holds true for every ex-girlfriend of mine.

  14. 45
    starthrower68

    @ Ms. Trace #39,

    I do understand the part you say about the charismatic yet unavailable guy committing to a woman and treating her like gold; however, one can’t assume that such a guy will behave that way.  It does happen; Annette Benning and Warren Beatty are a case in point.  However, I suspect it’s the exception rather than the rule.  I’m willing to wager that the unavailable guy is going to be just as unavailable with another woman as he was with us.  And does it matter?  If you attract a stand-up guy and you’re just as happy as can be, you’re not going to give much thought to “Mr. Wonderful”.  I think I understand the spirit of your post, but I think more often than not, these type of guys cannot build anything of substance and endurance with someone.  They get in their own way.

  15. 46
    Andrea

    @starthrower68,
    I’m not sure I even consider Warren Beatty a good example of that b/c I think he qualified to be a member of AARP by the time he was willing to settle down. (And Annette Bening was already his baby mama by then too).
    So perhaps the playboy realizing that his charms are rapidly fading just like everyone else’s led to his willingness to commit.  Rewind 30 years and I guarantee that the same woman could not have gotten him to settle down.
    If you are the same age as Mr. Unavailable, then you don’t want to wait until the Social Security checks start coming to get that ring!

  16. 47
    JoJo

    Andrea #35, “I’d say the same for Jojo…her ex has got her all twisted up inside, wondering why he isn’t calling, and he probably knows that this is the case.  I think that any man who understands how much women analyze and overanalyze things knows that a text, IM, or random email, which takes him 5 secs to fire off, triggers hours, days, and weeks of analysis and possibly even pain on your part, and in this case, numerous comments on multiple threads on a dating blog.”
    Agree!  I can’t say that I have not been guilty of over analyzing.  This is why I choose not to remain friends after a break-up.  My point was avoiding contact is best so that you’re not left confused.  When he contacted me on my birthday, I saw that as a nice gesture; I didn’t see it has game playing.  Since he reached out, I initiated contact a month later, so I pretty much stepped into that one.  I do like David’s post and happen to agree with him.  There’s one thing that I learned and that’s men will do what we allow them to do.  I was guilty of being with a guy who probably saw me like every other week.  For the first time, I walked away because I wasn’t being treated the way I deserved to be.  That was 3 years ago and since then, I’m relaxed, learned to read all the signals, and just made better choices for myself.  If a man doesn’t make the effort to see you, then he’s simply not that interested. 
    Getting over someone isn’t always the easiest.  I wish you can just turn off a switch, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.  I’ve done all the things I needed to do to take care of myself and I’ve come a long way.  I absolutely agree that you shouldn’t give someone so much power over you.   

  17. 48
    Harriet Bond

    All of these stories sound familiar; it’s something we all go through and something that I come across on a daily basis in my work as a female private eye. So many women (and men, come to think of it!) just can’t move on from their partners, even when we show them undisputed evidence that they have been cheating on them. Occasionally, I have had to turn down work on ethical grounds because someone has had an unhealthy obsession with a partner and basically want to stalk them and see where they are going/what they are doing with their new partners. ‘Love,’ (or what many people term as love, but is probably more akin to addiction/obsession) gets many people into a  lot of scrapes! I agree with many of the commenters on this blog, that once you have split from a partner, contact is not advisable. It just prolongs the pain….

  18. 49
    Annie

    Omg …

    Some of you still seem to think these men who do not want to be with you, are still paying gobbles of amounts of attention when they call you. They aren’t. All it took was one call to get your attention.

    You are one of many. They call every ex, they have ever had that as had sex with them, every Friend with benefits. Exe’s from 10 years ago, if they thought it would work.

    All it takes, for you..is a phone call and you begin fantasizing.

    You don’t love these me. You just love how they make you feel, in a moment.

    Evan gives advice on how you should alway’s be around the person that makes you feel good. He often forgets, that women…WANT to be around the man they are excited by, which doesn’t alway’s mean feeling good.

    His mistake.

    But your lesson. Go for both feelings at the same time. Then you have a winner.

    1. 49.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Annie, you’re correct that “women WANT to be around the man they are excited by, which doesn’t always mean feeling good…Go for both feelings at the same time. Then you have a winner.”

      I know I’m limited by my experience as a dating coach, but in my estimation, chasing excitement (and putting up with the man who doesn’t make you feel good) is a terrible long-term strategy.

      How’s it working out for you personally?

  19. 50
    Denise

    #51 & 52

    Great posts!  I was thinking about all this lately…how we know all this stuff in our heads, but it’s in our hearts and emotions where things become difficult.  Whenever  there’s an emotional investment, no matter what it is, it’s challenging to see objectively and to do the things we know are the RIGHT things to do.

    It’s funny, there’s posts from women on how to handle themselves on dates, and the problem there is that they are too much in their heads, not in their hearts and emotions.  Then when we get into more than just a one date scenario, then we’re into our hearts and emotions too much and can’t honor our heads! 

    I also agree with another post about how blogs like this are helpful.  It’s helps to reinforce what makes sense, the reality of life.  We are NOT unique in our circumstances.  The details are different, but the bottom lines are the same.  Ultimately it takes courage to handle ourselves in the dating world, which is doing the right thing even though it’s difficult or painful.   (Including when we’re with a man we know is NOT Mr. Right, that’s a tough one too.)

  20. 51
    Denise

    Go for both feelings at the same time. Then you have a winner.

    Ahhhh, and therein lies the challenge. :)

  21. 52
    JoJo

    Evan, you’re spot on.  Those guys that I used to be excited about were actually players.  My ex was someone that I wasn’t so excited about, but he treated me well, made the effort to see me, and made me his girlfriend.  I’m actually turned off by the player types now and focus more on the good men.  Evan, you give such sound advice and I’m thankful for this blog and for the support of the commenters!     

  22. 53
    starthrower68

    Again, feelings are good guides but they are just that, guides.  They are often fickle, and as we know we can get wonderful feelings from a man who is toxic to us.  I’ve had firsthand experience at this more than once.  The older and wiser I get, the sexier integrity becomes.

  23. 54
    lux aeterna

    What happens when you can’t avoid your ex so easily? Maybe you are co-workers, or like in my scenario, both parts of a very close knit group of best friends who are used to spending Christmas, birthdays, parties and holidays together? A lot of us meet our partners via friends, family and work, and you might be stuck with that person lingering in the shadows, or even the limelight, for a long time after the relationship is over, maybe even forever.

    Here’s my story and I am hoping some of you wise folks have some advice: In order to have a clean break from my cohabiting partner of 5 years I needed to cut all contact. We tried the ‘being friends’ thing… it just prolonged the pain. It was a very painful break-up, I lost him, our home, maybe even my chances of having a family as I’m a single female at 38 and running out of time…

    Now I’m stuck on my own and excluded every time there is a group activity happening. I spent this Christmas alone (lost both parents last year, siblings went abroad) reading this EMK site (enjoyable, but lonely!) rather than faking a smile at the group dinner. My friends argue that my reluctance to see my ex causes problems for the whole group: I should just get over him and move on and hang out with everyone again. I wish it were that easy… I know that if I see him it will open old wounds, I might even go a bit soft and sentimental again, so it’s out of the question. My emotional health is more important to me than pleasing the group.

    What hurts me a fair bit is that they choose him over me every time: he wins, he gets to go to the parties, holidays, Christmas. I don’t want to beg them to choose me over him once in a while, and in any case they insist I’m the one with the problem. I try to be as graceful as I can and never argue with them over this, just do my best to accept the situation. Maybe there is no answer to this, it’s just life, it’s unfortunate.

    Relevant or not – I guess in my particular scenario it doesn’t help that my ex is an international superstar (yep…) who everyone just loves to be around. I can’t compete… However I am a lot more available and supportive as a friend to our little gang than he will ever be, and it saddens me that what I have to offer isn’t considered as valuable as his glamour.

    What do people do in these situations? I wish we could all just get along fine… but…

  24. 55
    JoJo

    At Lux Aeterna #58, I was in a similar situation years ago. I was seeing a guy who was in my social circle of friends. We stopped seeing each other, but I still hung out with the group. I felt as if I didn’t want him to stop me from being able to go out with everyone. I felt hurt at times and it was just painful for me. I had decided that I needed to stay away from them for a while. I would make plans with my closer friends from the group without him. I also joined meet up groups in order to make new friends. This was so hard and I remember feeling so lost. It took some time, but I started to heal. I realized that I wasn’t missing out from hanging out with a group of people who just sat around and drank. He actually started to see his friend’s girlfriend who was also part of the group. I was so glad that I had grown away from those people.
    The bottom line is that your emotional well-being is number one. You have to do what it takes in order to take care of yourself. If that means not attending an event where you know he will be, then that’s what you need to do. I suggest that you make plans with some of your closer friends from that group, without him. Your friends sound like they’re not really understanding of your situation; especially how they say that you’re the problem and how they choose him over you. They shouldn’t have to choose, but they should be a little more considerate of your feelings too. If they are not, then maybe you need to reevaluate your friendships with them.
    None of this is easy and so  I wish you luck.

  25. 56
    Ms. Trace

    Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, Evan.
    What I am trying to articulate is this:
    In your latest email, you tell the story of your 33 year old client who found love with her 50 year old Alpha boyfriend, thanks to your advice.
    But what if you were a 45 year old female who was previously dating this same 50 year old guy and you were the perfect girlfriend, thanks to your advice, but then he dumps you and not long after, commits to this other 33 year old woman.
    You would tell your 33 year old client that she did the right thing, and voila, look, you can snag that Alpha Male!
    But, you would  tell your 45 year old client that if the Alpha Male won’t commit, LEAVE,  because he SUCKS and you wouldn’t want to be with him anyways.
    I’m not talking about the George Clooney Types. Of course you wouldn’t want to be with a guy who would never commit and yes, that guy does SUCK.
    But that 50 year old man who wouldn’t commit to the 45 year old, but eventually fell in love with the 33 year old- He’s still the same guy.  How do you get over a situation like this?
    Sorry for the delayed response. Didn’t check this blog for a few days.
     

    1. 56.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Ms. Trace – If you’re a 45-year-old woman who is dating a 50-year-old alpha, there are two things that can happen:

      1) He marries you because you’re the type of woman men can’t resist.
      2) He doesn’t marry you because he isn’t emotionally ready, he’s just not that into you, or you did things “wrong” that drove him away.

      This is the SAME exact advice that I would give – and have given – to 35-year-old Michelle.

      When her boyfriend wouldn’t commit to a future with her, I told her that he SUCKS and he’s the WRONG guy for her.

      When her boyfriend came to his senses, I applauded her for handling herself with such poise and class.

      Dating coaching is about making sure men don’t leave you because of something you did. But neither you, nor I, nor 35-year-old Michelle can MAKE a man do ANYTHING.

      Today, I got about 15 emails from women who were ANGRY at me for portraying a confident, easygoing woman like Michelle who is firmly in her feminine energy, landing the man.

      Why? Because they felt that Michelle was taking THEIR man, and that somehow I was suggesting that there’s no hope for women over 50.

      WTF?

      Michelle’s happiness has nothing to do with her AGE, it has to do with her WISDOM.

      If you’ve been reading for awhile, MOST of my success stories involve women OVER the age of 40. The point of the email is not that you’re competing against the younger women of the world. You’re not.

      The point is that your responsibility is to be the woman no man can possibly leave. And if he leaves, screw him. His loss.

      Anything else you’re reading into that email has to do with your own insecurities. And that goes for the all the women who yelled at me for sharing Michelle’s inspirational story this morning.

      Remember, if a guy doesn’t stick with you:

      He isn’t emotionally ready.
      He’s just not that into you
      You did things “wrong” that drove him away.

      Which one of those things do you think you can control?

      So go read Why He Disappeared and stop complaining that a younger woman found happiness.

      Gratitude and Attitude go a long way.

  26. 57
    Karl R

    Ms. Trace said: (#60)
    “But that 50 year old man who wouldn’t commit to the 45 year old, but eventually fell in love with the 33 year old- He’s still the same guy.”

    Three years ago I was dating a young woman who was a great match for me in every way … except one. She wanted lots of kids, and I didn’t want any. Neither of us felt we could reach a compromise position.

    I still think she’s a terrific person … but she’s not a great girlfriend for me. We have incompatible goals. She’ll be a terrific girlfriend/wife for someone else.

    And she’ll still be the same person.

    Ms. Trace said: (#60)
    “what if you were a 45 year old female who was previously dating this same 50 year old guy and you were the perfect girlfriend, thanks to your advice, but then he dumps you”

    If you were the perfect girlfriend for him, then he wouldn’t have dumped you. And because he dumped you, he just proved that he wasn’t the perfect boyfriend for you.

    I don’t care what kind of advice someone has absorbed. Nobody is the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend for everyone.

    Ms. Trace said: (#60)
    “How do you get over a situation like this?”

    In the past five years I have dated five women who I think are amazing women. Two of them are now in committed long-term relationships with other men; for those men, they are amazing girlfriends. Two of them eventually will be in committed relationships with other men; for those men, they will be amazing girlfriends.

    After going through this circumstance repeatedly, I can say that there will always be another amazing woman sooner or later. The main way I’m different from you … I’m sufficiently self-aware to know when my judgment is clouded by infatuation. As the infatuation fades, it’s easier for me to see that these women weren’t perfect for me, nor was I perfect for them.

    I’ve only mentioned four of the amazing women. The fifth one is still with me after 17 months. She’s the amazing girlfriend for me.

    Evan Marc Katz said: (#61)
    “I got about 15 emails from women who were ANGRY at me [...] they felt that Michelle was taking THEIR man, and that somehow I was suggesting that there’s no hope for women over 50.”

    Hopefully all 15 women are reading this thread.

    My amazing girlfriend is 56 (I’m younger than her). I know at least two dozen single women over the age of 50 who are in long-term relationships, including one who got married this past month.

    There’s plenty of hope for some women over 50. But I’m not so sure there’s any hope for women who are crazy enough to believe that Michelle was taking THEIR man.

  27. 58
    Ruby

    Perhaps it is “irrational” for women to be upset about the 33 year old with the 50 year old man, but middle-aged women constantly get the message that they are over the hill and that nobody wants them, not even men their own age. I think these women might have reacted differently if the 50 year old definitely wanted kids, but he had to be talked into it. Again, I am not saying that the younger woman actually took their man, but that women are very sensitive about the older man/younger woman situation, which is WAY more common and acceptable than a 50 year old woman snapping up a 33 year old man. 
     
    Didn’t we just have an entire blog post on this subject, with everyone telling the 48 year old woman in question that she was nuts for wanting to date a 30 year old?

  28. 59
    Gem

    Karl – “There’s plenty of hope for some women over 50. But I’m not so sure there’s any hope for women who are crazy enough to believe that Michelle was taking THEIR man.”

    LOL, straight to the point and sooooo true!

  29. 60
    Diana

    The thing that struck me re: Michelle’s situation was that their age difference is very typical of what I see in men’s online dating profiles. Older men in their 50′s (Michelle’s boyfriend is not 50) in search of women 20 years younger. For a man who didn’t want anymore children, it’s a little surprising, yet not really, that he would date such a younger woman because there was a really good chance she’d be on the lookout for a man who wanted children.
     
    I am happy for Michelle and I wish them both well. Getting married doesn’t guarantee a happily ever after, but there’s always hope. :) I don’t feel the least bit upset that she landed a man that I could (in theory) have had; that’s silly, but I did feel dismay because it only confirmed what I believe to be true in many (not all) instances: men close to my own age of 50 are not interested in women their own age. And as long as there are younger women who are willing to take an interest in the older man for the financial security, etc. that they can usually offer, then the men will keep on looking.

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