How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart

How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart
I invite you to think of the last time you were emotionally invested in a man.

It could have been a promising prospect you met online, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.

The common denominator is that this man, who took your breath away and gave you hope, ultimately left you.

Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped.

I know how it feels. Most people do. You stake your dreams on the integrity of your relationship, only to find out that he had eyes for someone else, that he had major issues with you, or that he wasn’t ready to commit to you.

This can be devastating. It can make you mistrustful. It can make you lose faith. It can stop you from dating entirely.

But the hardest part is how, far too often, you never quite get over him.

Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped. It makes perfect sense. He might have broken up with you, but that doesn’t mean you love him any less.

This exact scenario happened recently with my client, Wanda, who was still recovering from a short relationship with a man she met on JDate.

They had gotten physical after 5 dates, took down their profiles, and gave an exclusive relationship a shot. Two and a half months later, he broke things off. Said he wasn’t feeling what he thought he should be feeling. Said it wasn’t her fault. Said he wanted to remain friends.

So Wanda has remained friends with her ex – and has remained in love with him as well.

Needless to say, it’s extremely hard for her to move on. Every new man gets unfavorably compared to the ex. It’s not that she’s wrong; Wanda can’t help herself. She felt that dizzy, passionate, “in love” feeling, and even though the ex is gone, the feeling still lingers.

But should it?

Hell, no!

Wanda’s is wondering about how to get him back. She’s hoping that their friendship turns back into a relationship. She’s “dating” but not really giving herself to the process.

In other words, she is pining for the return of a man who does not love her unconditionally.

Talk about a bad plan. Then again, you’ve probably done the same thing. If you’re still holding onto a man from your past, my eBook, Why He Disappeared will show you how to instantly let go.

But let me ask you: don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally? Wouldn’t you figure that this should be a pre-condition for any man who’s going to spend his life with you? I sure do.

In fact, if I’m building the perfect man, I’m starting there and working backwards:

1)    Most important quality: Loves you unconditionally. Will stick by you for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.

2)    Second most important quality: Everything else – height, weight, age, income, education, etc.

Yet all I hear about, over and over, is the amazing, tall, cute, sexy, charismatic, funny, successful guy who breaks your heart when he doesn’t want to commit to you.

Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is.

…He was willing to let you go.

Well, guess what?

That guy SUCKS!

Your husband DOESN’T leave you.

Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his fundamental flaw.

And you’re holding onto an idealized image of him – hoping he comes back.

Why? So when you get him back, he STILL doesn’t love you unconditionally?

Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is. It’s not that he’s not a great catch on paper. But in practice, he’s a terrible life partner for you for one reason.

He was willing to let you go.

Now it’s time for you to let him go.

Same thing with any man who broke your heart in the past. Let him go.

Only then can you open up to true love – the kind that endures forever.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Dolly81

    I’m in a really shitty situation. I have been reading a few of the posts and comments and I don’t know whether I feel better or worse because as I thought, its looking like I drove this guy away. We had been seeing each other for a few weeks even though I have known him for years and were on and off contact wise. I know that he has a tendency to not commit and just leave women and I know that one woman who he drove mad by doing this was constantly contacting him looking to know why he left and trying to win him back etc. He blocked her off his phone and all else eventually. He still has her on facebook but thinks shes nuts and tries his best to avoid her. I was with him a few yrs ago, didn’t have sex or anything, more kissy cuddly stuff. Just for a night or so. He went on about how he was looking forward to giving things a go with me. Then all of a sudden he backed away without word. I mailed him saying how I felt and that I did not want to be treated like that girl before me as I was nothing like her and deserved a bit more respect seeing as we were friends before anything else. At this point he told me it was him and not me and that he was sorry but thats just the way he is etc… He tried to come back some time later at all hrs of the night saying he thought he may love me. Now, he had granted had a few beers on him so I didnt think too much of that and again I didnt see him for a long time. Recently I was sitting having a few drinks with a friend and spotted this guy on facebook chat. By now, it was least 2 yrs since we spoke and I was well shot of him but didnt feel in any bad way over him. I just said hi stranger and he spoke back, called me. We arranged that he call over for drinks the following night at which point I joked that I knew what he was like and that it would all change in the morning and that he wouldn’t bother. He said that he wouldnt because he would really like to see me again. He came up, stayed over, didnt have sex as he said he didnt want me to think thats all he came up for. Had a nice night and he even fixed my toilet that broke the next day. I let him go and expected him to go off radar again. We even joked, we should do it again in another few years. He didnt go off the radar after all. Rang me again during week on his break etc… Came down for more nights together. I played very cool as I knew he scared easy. Let him do all the ringing save for a few drunk texts at the weekend but he knows I am a disaster for drunk texting so it wasnt an issue. Then for some inane reason, after I bloody well had him, I started banging on about this get together I was having for my birthday. My male friends were away so there was going to be just some women. I KNEW he was nervous about this and instead of telling him it was ok and I didnt expect him to come, I feel now I was pressurising. Up until the night before he said he was coming but would come early for a few drinks before everyone else for some dutch courage. Next evening when he was practically due to be there he sent me a text saying, ” I know your going to hate me but i wont make it up tonight. Really sorry babes” AGAIN, for some inane reason and gut feeling, I texted back saying “What? No reason? Just finishing up in a text?” Got nothing so then I sent one saying that as the women were saying also, it was understandable that he didn’t come under the circumstances but that if there was more to it than that and I would prefer to know. Nothing back either so just sort of reiterated it again in another text. Last text I sent was the next morning saying something like he had ruined my night, it was a disaster and that my friends ended up arguing etc…. I did apologise the next day for my texts and reiterated that I understood why he didnt come but that I was dissapointed at how it was left. It didnt even deliver so I reckon like he has done to people before that I am now blocked. Its devastating! Feel like he has completely taken my dignity by not even allowing me to say a thing or him to say a thing. Dont feel I deserved that. I would never do that during week or anything and he knows from previous conversations that I would never stalk him either cyber wise or otherwise. Of course I was going to be upset at him just blanking me like that and on account of it being my birthday as well. He swore he wasnt going to mess me around again and now he’s left me feeling like I am stupid and very foolish. Can’t stand that he is left with this impression of me that he never had before and that I am in that category of women that he feels are nuts. I know maybe a lot of it is that he doesnt like confrontation and its just easier for him to block it all. I dont even have the comfort that at least he can see that Im not emailing frantically or texting him off the wall (which I wouldnt) because he has me blocked on everything.

    1. 91.1
      Sabine

      I am so sorry this happened to you. He blocked you? Forget him! That is just so passive aggressive and a rotten way to say, I think we should part paths. While you may feel you are at fault (silly texts after a few), forgiveness is part of unconditional love (the focus of this discussion) and this is what I am sure you ultimately want.

      Learn from it, grow from it and don’t text when you party 🙂 I just learned a similar lesson myself and it’s brought me to love myself more as I am 🙂 Drop him from your heart, read a few books or sites about healing, feng shui your home (AMAZING life changes and what I’m doing this weekend after my break up to start anew) and meet someone who brings out the best in you!!! Sometimes hard lessons in love are the ones we need to be the best partners for the right guy not Mr. Right Now 🙂

  2. 92
    Luisa

    @Dolly81 – you knew better than anyone that the guy you were talking about bails easily. You knew it right from the start, yet you couldn’t help pursuing him once he started backing away. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it. It’s not worth it. So, he blocked your number…take it as a lesson for next time. When your insecurities and anxieties go into over-drive that’s your cue to take a step back. Sometimes when we’re too close to a situation, we can’t see clearly.
    I’m going from my own experience. I recently went out with a guy who turned out to be an active avoider…things progressed really quickly (too quickly) with him and then a few weeks later, where is he now? Gone. I was gutted and it took me a couple of weeks to get my head around it. I deleted his number and threw out all the gifts, cards etc he’s given me. Just when he got me and I started to believe it. I realised that as Evan says, he was being in the moment. But people can change their minds, get scared themselves or simply lose interest.  
    Like he said to you, it wasn’t you, it was him. I know it’s easier said than done but let him go. Next time, I’ll take it easy. I won’t get suckered into the nice words and plans so early on. I’ll let things unfold naturally, at their own pace, in their own time. You will meet other men, some will come and some will go. Keep your heart open and take it one date at a time. Whatever happens, you’ll be OK. 🙂

  3. 93
    Nicole

    I told the man that I was dating (and i say dating because he would never make us an official couple) that I loved him after a year. That seemed to be the demise of our relationship. He would continue to pull away from me for weeks and otheweek kels want to spend a few days at a time with me. All the while never making a verbal commitment to me he would treat me as though he cared about me whem we were together, openinag doors, making me dinners, cuddling with me and send me sweet messages that he missed me. I eventually found out that he several other woman he had been sleeping with or slept with. I pondered on our conversations about our lives wondering when he would find the time to be with his children, have a busy work week, spend his time with me….and still find the time to be with all these other women. It was confusing how he managed to find so much time in his “supposed” busy week for all of his extra carricular activities to me, when I myself am a single working mother, raising two children, trying to make time for them, sometimes with jobs, and somehow making time for him. Am I bitter much now after our failed “dating”….yes. Now, I’m just trying to move past the relationship that was deceitful and damaging to my spirits becausso for some reason I still feel love for that unloving man and wish I didn’t.

  4. 94
    Lynn

    I’m very heart broken and have taken some of this advise to heart… I am new to dating. I was very young when I married, right out of high school, I was 17 and never dated when I met my ex-husband, 18 when we married he was the first man I fell in love with, second man I had been on a date with. We were married 25 years when I found out he liked children. I was alone for almost ten years after that and I turned to food for comfort. I turned 50, my children left home and I found myself alone and way over weight. I took control lost 100lbs and started to date. I’ve never really dated so had no idea of rules or what was expected. I dated a nice man thought I was in love but he was very helpful in helping me figure out what I want and what he could not give me, we are now friends. I met another man online we e-mailed and then we dated once it was wonderful and we decided to continue to date, then the holidays/family came between us and I didn’t hear from him so I reconnected by calling him in January. We had so many things in common and I wanted to get to know him better. We started dating more and had developed an amazing connection …we could talk to each other very openly and what I thought was honestly, I was always completely honest and up front with him…and there was such electricity and connection between us it felt very easy. He treated me so well, so nice. He introduced me as his girl friend at his sisters wedding to his family.. I was in heaven thought he was feeling the same as I was… then I made the mistake of telling him (two days later) that I loved him. The first thing he said was ‘ I was afraid of that.’then he told me ‘I don’t love you, you are not my soul mate, we have this great connection and there is electricity and it is, wow, but we are not compatible for a long term relationship. I asked him when he was going to tell me he said he was going to soon, but his sisters wedding came up and I had offered to do the flowers. My mind tells me he used me to do the flowers for his sister. My heart tells me he couldn’t be that person…. to use me like that.
    It was out of the blue. A shock, I couldn’t help it I let a few tears slip out …I tried not to. I didn’t want him to feel bad for telling me the truth. I said something about the things we had planned to do and he said maybe we could be friends. I told him I wasn’t sure if I could do that…. I saw no signs, no clue’s that he wasn’t feeling the same. I trusted him. Now I can’t seem to get over him. A week later when I went to pick up a few of my things, I offered a friends with benefits option (thinking I would be ok with it at the time) he refused and said he didn’t run that way, but we could be together for one more time, he then wanted me to promise we would just be friends. I refused that night but the next morning I said yes thinking if I could just keep him in my life things might change. I have seen him a few time’s after the break up. Once for support at a funeral a few weeks after the break up that he promised to go with me to…he did and then called me sweetheart during the dinner. It devastated me again because I wanted it to be true. I was confused even more trying to think why he said it. I realized it was just a slip, a mistake. He still had my archway I loaned him and he needed to bring it back after the wedding. He wanted to bring it and take me out for dinner. I said yes. He did and it was great we had a great time talking and enjoying an urban meal for three hours. I enjoyed his company so much, he is so nice…. and I am now more devastated then before. I feel like it was so much easier being alone. Now weeks later I just can’t seem to get him off my mind or out of my heart. I feel so naïve… I keep reading dating sites and it seems I did everything wrong. I think perhaps learning how to date at 52 is not good for a woman. I’ve tried to go back online …no responses to my online profile is just great for my self-esteem. I went on one date and realized I was making comparisons most of the time and that was not fair to this new man…So I just never got back to him. Perhaps dating is not for me if it ends up this way more often than not, at least that’s what I seem to be reading about so much. All the mistakes a woman makes to drive away the man she loves. I hope this heartache goes away sometime soon, but I’m afraid it never will…

    1. 94.1
      Becky

      Sweet Lynn,

      “I think perhaps learning how to date at 52 is not good for a woman”

      I don’t think age has anything to do with it. I got divorced at 26, now I’m 31. It’s been 5 years of dating and I’ve done all the wrong things as well. I’ve had no responses to my online profile when I dated online and all. It is all just part of dating. My ex-husband too was the first guy I loved and I didn’t date before I met my ex-husband. Men close to your age will be looking for something serious. I truly believe that all it takes is a true man who is able to see your good qualities and appreciate them. Hang in there, you’ll find that.

  5. 95
    Naomi

    You’re post makes absolute sense to me..and I totally agree with it. For some reason though I can’t bring myself to actually cut myself off from him. Me and my ex broke up and like a couple months later he kept telling me that he wants to hang out with me. Pretty much now we are nothing but friends with benefits, but he texts me every single day, asks me to do things with him..all the time, and he even asked if I wanted to go to dinner with his mom and him…I am so absolutely done with this back and forth. I know that I have to stop having sex with him because it will help me separate the emotional feelings I’m having for him, but I just feel so attached that I can stop myself from responding to his messages. I feel like I love him, obviously, but I also feel like maybe he just wants to be friends, but when we’re together, he kisses me like no one else has….but uggh….just over all the heartache and pain. I want to get on with my life.

  6. 96
    Sparkling Emerald

    It’s hard when the last guy who broke your heart was your hubby of 20 plus years and father of your child.  Just when I think I’m over him emotionally, he sends me an e-mail saying he misses something about me, and accidently signs it “Love, (His name).  Or sends a mothers’ day card over via my son, saying I was a good wife and mom and he sorry he hurt me.  Or gives me a nice birthday gift. 
    Sometimes I’m really not sure if I’m looking for my next relationship or a little mini-heartbreak to take my mind off of the big one. 🙂
     

  7. 97
    Jadeite

    NIcole #100, the best thing you could do to help you move forward is accept the fact that the man you were with is a narcissist.  What he did was about him, not about you.  Any many who won’t make it official after a 3-6 months and put a label on it, is actually putting a label on it.

  8. 98
    Firefly

    Of all the insensitive ‘advice’ out there, this has got to be the worst! It’s clear to me the writer has never and truly been in live or in a committed relationship if they think seriously it’s that easy to just go ‘fiddle dee dee’ and flounce off like the man meant nothing to you.

    1. 98.1
      Sputnik Sweetheart

      I have to concur, and I have been through extensive marriage/divorce counseling. It takes a long time to heal, and it should take a long time to heal, if the relationship had any merit at all. I think that fostering this kind of “Well, whatever!” type of attitude is the same thing that gives people the idea that their mates are disposable to begin with. 

    2. 98.2
      ScottH

      I’ve been thinking about your comment for quite a while.  Losing something that was so important to us will cause us to grieve long and hard.  And having been through two breakups post-divorce, I understand your sentiment.  In both cases, I loved her and was ready to spend the rest of my life with her and because of that, I grieved the loss of both relationships long and hard.  However, only recently did I realize that both relationships would have been disasters if I did marry either one.  And in that sense, Evan’s advice is spot on.  I was in love with my fantasy of each of those women.  They were both unavailable commitment-phobes (yeah, says a lot about me, I know).  I need to be in love with the reality of a woman.  He’s right- the right person will not leave me.  She will love me for who I am.  She will work with me to make the relationship work.  The person I’m currently with is showing me what this is like.  It’s so different from those difficult (but beautiful and exciting) women, not that this current one isn’t attractive and exciting.   She’s wonderful.  It’s like she just knows the right thing to do, the right way to be.   Anyway, I do still think about the last one who broke my heart.  It’s just how our brain works.  The emotional part of our brain is so powerful and so manipulative.  That’s where you’re coming from.  Evan is coming from the point of view of our rational brain which isn’t as strong as the emotional brain, unfortunately.

  9. 99
    jasmine

    i have dated my ex boyfriend 29 times,me and my best friends kept track/count.i still cannot get over him.its like he took a big chunk of my heart.when we are dating,he makes me feel special like i am the only girl in the world.i have had soooo many boys break my heart:[me and my ex just dated recently,but he dumped me on our 3 months anniversary.i am sooooooooo up set…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. 100
    Nicole

    I went through the crappiest breakup in the world, my ex cheated on me and moved out of state, he even took our dog since it was technically his. I was probably sadder about the dog to be honest. The only way I was finally able to get over it was by visiting the forums at exaholics.com and talking to people who had also gone through all the things that I had and felt as bad as I did and really understood what I was going through. I hope this helps!

  11. 101
    Elle

    I have been struggling for the last few months after my break up. I read books and online articles, laughing bitterly at the cliche advice but what I needed was cold truth. This helped tremendously. Thank you.

  12. 102
    melissa

    Thank you so much for changing my point of view … I kinda got lost for a moment and it has affected every  part of my life !! I just need to move on

  13. 103
    Dia

    I was supposed to move 2400 miles across country yesterday for a man that I’ve been in love with for the last 5 years. We haven’t been together since 2009… and we always talk about getting back together… and he builds my hopes up until it comes time for my departure across country. 3 times in the last 2 months I was ready to leave, packed up and… silence. He gets ghost, and then yells at me when I express my disappointment in his lack of communication. My last and final straw was when he didn’t call me on thanksgiving… the day before I was supposed to drive from Texas to California to be with the man I’ve broken so many hearts over. Everyone knew it but me… and I think somewhere deep down inside I knew it, but I didn’t want to admit to the fact that he would never be a positive match for me. He’s drug my heart through too much, and I think that’s part of the addiction. I’m breaking this cycle once and for all. Thank you for this article.

  14. 104
    sfb

    Like your article. But some time you might have pushed the person out. Life is stressful enough. People get into relationship to leave the stress but two people will always have there view. But unconditional love should be solve to all problems. Like you said they don’t love you like they love.

  15. 105
    Jane

    I was played really bad by this man I recently dated on match.  I took a chance and went on and e mailed someone with no photo because his profile appeared honest and forthcoming.  Honesty had not been my experience until this moment I thought.  We dated for 3 weeks saw each other frequently during that time.  He came on fast seemed too good to be true and it was.  I was tricked because I spent time with his daughter.  We went to a Christmas parade and it all seemed so genuine.  He said so many things that now seem too fast, such as he would take good care of me and my daughter.  It was endless all he said in three weeks.  Then one night he went out with some friends and I was with my daughter.  Within 12 hours it was a complete change. There was no emotion in the texting and the daily phone calls stopped.  I knew immediately.  After not seeing each other for two weeks, I asked him what changed.  He was not honest as he said holidays and being ill.  The communication dissipated until he disappeared.  I sent one e mail expressing my hurt and how it was just wrong to involve children and of course no response.  Are players that low that they involve their kids to get the girl.  As a mom I find that the lowest of lows.

    1. 105.1
      Lisa

      I know how you feel Jane, You express your hurt and pain to them and they do not care what they have done. They are selfish and cowardly. You deserve better.

  16. 106
    Mir

    Thanks so much for your article. I read it, and I turned a corner. Maybe I was just ready to hear what you had to say. Thank you for your help!

  17. 107
    Comfort

    Thanks to you katsi believe i have learned a lot:my a guy lelt me atf er three month and he never call again;i have been worrie;callin hm but no reply;i have decided to let go

  18. 108
    Comfort

    I believe and hv learn my mistake but it still hurt

  19. 109
    tilmo

    Well i can say i was in love with a man who break my heart, i love this man dearly, anything he say i would do, any where

  20. 110
    Cassy

    This article hit home with me, as well as all the comments. It’s been over 4 months since my fiancé, or should I say ex-fiancé, took off. Although our relationship had been fizzling and I should have seen it coming, I was in utter shock. I couldn’t understand how someone could just turn around and walk away, like it was nothing! And in my mind it wasn’t someting that was irreparable. Plain and simple I didn’t put him as a priority, my career came first, even ahead of my own children. At least that’s what he kept telling me, the blame was all on me. Hindsight 20/20 looking back and (over) analyzing, that wasn’t the only issue. I have taken ownership for where I went wrong, things I could have done differently, and I immediately started to change my priorities because we take too many things for granted until they are gone and a part of me did that to try and “win” him back. To show him what he would be missing. How pathetic and desperate I became! And I still get that low from time to time because I’ve never felt so heart broken, it has been a detrimental road. And he packed up and moved 600 miles away, running in my mind. I am the one who has to get reminded of us, I can’t escape it no matter where I go and that has made it worse. We are still in contact, I went to where he moved and spent 2 weeks with him only to get heart broken all over again. I get anxious when he doesn’t respong to my texts or emails. It’s been a hit and miss since he moved 2 months ago. I’m having a really hard time just letting go! I know I deserve so much more, but I just can’t get past this. Thank you EMK for all your great reads, and to everyone’s comments. They seriously have helped in ways my supporting friends and family couldn’t!

  21. 111
    sandra

    when a friend walk away from you let him walk,he is not joined to you,and if he is not joined to you it don’t make him a bad person, he is just part of the story is Over

  22. 112
    Julie

    I totally agree with Evan about it’s not worthy to hold on somebody who doesn’t love you the way you are and you want. However we tend to run back to our ex because he is tempting or his offer is tempting or just simply because the feeling for him is too strong to weed out of all rational thinking once he calls you back.

    I am testing myself of a new strategy to let him go: shift my feeling/focus on him toward ME and I keep going on this process step – by – step everyday. I don’t know how it is going and where it leads me to but right now the first time I feel this break up is not that hard and I definitely have the hope to completely get over him without torturing my brain or my body way too much 🙂

    It’s not gonna be easy but it’s gonna be over.

  23. 113
    Becky

    Great article!

    @EvanMarcKatz

    I am getting over a bad breakup. I don’t easily fall in love but he pulled those words out of me then started to walk away.

    Now, I only struggle with forgiving myself for trusting a sleaseball with my heart! I’m 30. Experienced. I should’ve known better than to let a man play with my heart.

    1. 113.1
      Cat5

      I believe it was Bob Marley who said, “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.”

      1. 113.1.1
        Becky

        Very much on point @Cat5

      2. 113.1.2
        Karl R

        Cat5,

        Maybe Bob Marley is special (as more than just a musician), but most men have no clue about how to intentionally awaken a woman’s love.  If any man did, he could make a fortune teaching the technique to other men.

         

        Unless you habitually date internationally famous rock stars, movie stars and other celebrities, I’m going to hazard a guess that you have far more influence over whether love (or infatuation) awakens in your heart than any of the men you date will ever possess.

         

        Blaming the man for something outside of his control might make you feel better, but it isn’t useful.  Blamethrowing won’t prevent the exact same thing from happening again and again.

        1. ScottH

          Karl- I think there is merit to Marley’s quote if taken in the context of a commitmentphobe who wins your heart and then shreds it by suddenly walking.  And I would make the quote gender non-specific.

        2. Not Again

          I could be wrong here, but I took that to mean a man who INTENTIONALLY leads a woman on by letting her believe he’s in love and wants a future with her when he KNOWS he doesn’t.

        3. Tom10

          Good comment Karl.
           
          I thought of a similar sentiment whilst driving home recently for Christmas and bopping along to Billie Jean:
           
          “People always told me be careful of what you do
          And don’t go around breaking young girls’ hearts”
           
          I presume what “people” meant was that young Michael shouldn’t use his wealth and fortune to bed lots of women thus (inadvertently perhaps) breaking their hearts (although little danger of that, lol).
           
          And all I thought was, well, maybe “people” should be telling young girls to watch their hearts and not sleep with famous pop stars!
           
          But then, it could be as Not Again wrote; that it’s more about avoiding intentionally leading women on.

        4. Laura

          Karl, that was spot on!

          Dating coaches are here to help us move on and decipher when a relationship is good–for some reason we can’t figure it out ourselves at first.  WE CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT. … YET!

          Taking responsibility for what I don’t yet know, helps me to learn and gives me the hope I need to continue.

          It has taken me a long, long time to take responsibility.  I have a family dynamic that has prevented me from seeing the value in this.  Doesn’t matter.  Until I saw the value myself, I wasn’t going to learn and do things differently.

          I see the value now.  Boy do I see it.  And life…has forever changed.

          Look inward…it’s  in there…

           

           

           

      3. 113.1.3
        Karmic Equation

        @Cat5,

        Players, EU men, alcoholics, drug addicts, etc., can all have lovable qualities.

        As loving creatures, we women tend to love men who possess those lovable qualities. For example, a cad might still volunteer at soup kitchens (I know one). An alcoholic could love animals (I was in a relationship with one). A player can have a soft spot for children (this guy was my bf for a year).

        However, even though they had lovable qualities, that doesn’t mean they are worthy of our hearts.

        Loving someone who has lovable qualities is not wrong and no one should regret loving that person.

        However, we women have to be strong enough and smart enough to not give our HEARTS to a man with a few lovable qualities, but who is a bad partner for us.

        I loved my player, but I knew that marriage to him would be hell. So I knew that our relationship had an expiration date. I loved him. But he never had my heart.

        I loved my alcoholic (he was a binge drinker when we met, but so was I as I going through my divorce — however, I went back to my default setting of social drinking after about 9 months, whereas he kept it up, and got worse over time). — He did have my heart. He was kind, loving, thoughtful, and sensitive. But he made a bad decision and I had to let him go.

        A friend of mine is the cad who volunteers at soup kitchens. He’s only caddish because he’s dating two women and neither know about the other. He’s kind, nice, and attentive, when he’s with either woman. Both would love to have him as a bf. He kind of chose one, but she became possessive, needy, and entitled once he started to spend more time with her, so he pulled back. Can’t say I blame him.

        We women need to own it when we give away our hearts to unworthy men. We should love the men who are our lovers, but just because they’re our lovers doesn’t mean they get our hearts. You must reserve that for the truly worthy, not just the guy who gives you orgasms or who buys you gifts or takes you on vacations or talks about the future with you. He has to be willing to spend his free time with you without you asking him to. He has to want to take you to meet his friends and family. He has to listen to you rant about your day (for at least 5 minutes, more than that is gravy, lol). Basically, the “intangible” stuff that shows he cares and wants to be with you.

        That’s the guy you give your heart to.

        And men like that don’t grow on trees. If you meet two in a lifetime, you’ve been blessed.

        So please, ladies, do yourselves a favor. Love men, but only give your hearts to the truly worthy.

    2. 113.2
      Karmic Equation

      That’s why you should wait until a man says “I love you” first.

      Men know that those are meaningful words that convey a whole host of unspoken commitment. So most men will not say it first UNTIL they really feel it. (Men saying I love you during sex does NOT count.)

      Women give their hearts away too freely. Men need to earn our love, by being consistently kind, reliable, and honest.

      Buying us pretty things or giving us pretty compliments or being able to make us laugh does NOT make him worthy of our hearts. This is where women need to have standards (not height, education, or income), and where most women refuse or fail to set them.

      1. 113.2.1
        Becky

        I’ve learned to tell someone “I love you” if I strongly feel it. To tell them “I’m hurt” if I feel it. With this guy, I got this overwhelming feeling that I HAVE to tell him how I feel. I couldn’t leave that day without telling it to him cause it was just so overpowering. I had to follow my heart.

        It was such a genuine experience which made it the most difficult to get over, and will probably be the one I learn from the most. I may think 100 times before I say the words again.

         

  24. 114
    Angela

    I broke up with a guy I was mad about because I couldn’t trust him and he never made plans to see me except at the last minute and I suspected he was keeping all his options open all of the time.  I dumped him which was very hard but I knew it was the right decision.  He wanted to remain friends and this prolonged the agony of getting over him by years as I thought we may get back together.  I only really got over him by cutting all contact.  I’m learning a lot from Evan blogs and grateful I’ve found this resources now.

  25. 115
    Riri

    Thank you so much for the blog i’ve learnt a lot already. things are not easy for me I’m in pain and trying to move on. When I started reading I went on Facebook and blogged his current G.F and His mom cause I’m always stalking them and see how happy they are which is killing me. I then blocked him from messaging me, i didn’t block him because i still want him to see happy pictures of me, do you think that’s good? anyway I know his number by head but planning on blocking it from my phone and NOT call him at all, not even by mistake. He has been contacting me after our breakup acting like he cares and he would say he still loves me but after reading this blog i understand that he doesn’t. I dated this guy for 4 years, he dated his current girlfriend for 6 years meaning he dated us both at the same time and we didn’t know until i saw an sms in his phone and I thought it was just a girl until i stalked her on f.b and saw that this has been going on long before me 🙁 and whats more painful is that she was introduced to his mom and I’ve never met his mom, it makes things clear though that he loves her more than me but whats confusing is the fact that when we dated he was okay, he had time for me, we were so inlove there was no gap and it doesn’t make sense how he dated us at the same time. I am so jealous of her now that’s why I was stalking her but then again she knows nothing I can’t blame her of which I don’t but I’m jealous of her and at the same time i wish she can get someone better but that’s not for me to decide, I don’t know how she’s been treated but I’m angry at my Ex for having 2 options he doesn’t deserve and for ending up in a good relationship after hurting me and the fact he’s happy and I’m not but he’s a jerk.

    1. 115.1
      Marie

      I understand the pain. Please do not look at FB anymore If you turn off your page for the time being so you are not tempted to look at anything associated with him.Believe me out of sight out of mind does wonders. Take back your life.It is time to be all about you right now. Find things that interest you. I got involved with a lot of different stuff like volunteering, kickboxing, and different types of classes. I don’t have time to think of him which helps. The pain is unfortunately going to be there and I don’t have a fix for that.I know that as time passes it gets a little better. Just do not be too hard on yourself by thinking of all these scenarios of him being happy.

  26. 116
    Cindy

    I can very much appreciate this forum.

    My ex left me out of the blue when we were just 2 months from being married. I came home from work and he had moved his things out. Nope no fight no arguing nothing… The only thing he contact me to say was.. I’ll be back on such and such day to get the rest of my things and you can donate anything you can’t use,. Ha, that was all I was worth to him. He told me on a daily basis how much he loved me and how happy he was. And then … Boom. He’s gone.. I hadn’t heard from him in 5 months since he left and then one day I go to the mail box and he sent a Christmas card. Nothing written but his name.

    Dont get him ,but he decided to leave after everything. We had planned and payed for  our honey moon and wedding . I just don’t get it.if his goal was to completely crush me.. He succeeded

    1. 116.1
      Becky

      How old is he?

      I find that with younger guys (say 24 – 30) they don’t know what they really want in their life. They could be impulsive and follow their heart one day and then change their mind completely the next day and think “I wanna see what else is out there”.

      The guy I mentioned in my previous comment falls in that age range. He talked to me about a future together and started planning an engagement. Then, disappeared! After maybe 4 or 5 months, he contacted me saying that he wanted to clear up why he just disappeared. He said that although it was a stupid way to do it, it made sense to him at the time. He felt we were heading towards breaking up and felt that he had to walk away. He wanted to clear things up cause it’s been killing him the way he left me. But we didn’t get back together. He was just feeling guilt for hurting me. Same with that Christmas card, he just feels guilty for the way he might have hurt you and trying (in a weird way) to let you know he’s sorry for the way he left you. It’s weakness! Maybe cowardliness as well. You are better off without such a man in your life. However, this might take the longest time for you to get over. Give yourself that time.

  27. 117
    Marie

    Evan, have you ever been a woman? The answer is obviously No!!!! You have no clue what heartbreak is from a woman’s point of view. It looks great on paper let it go. I completely agree with you on that statement. I would love to have hypnosis done to completely forget the day I met him. There is this thing called a heart that is like our ball and chain. When you fall completely in love with a man you will be with him through thick and thin. There is nothing like a woman’s love it is deep and everlasting. The love that is the highest feeling you can ever think of  but I am not sure a male is capable of such a feeling. Males are more primitive and heartless but then again I am not a male so I guess my opinion is subjective. Now you tell me Evan how am I suppose to stop the pain that doesn’t seem to subside. Everyday I feel it I wake up to it is this really happening praying for the pain to stop. I would love to get drunk or something to stop feeling this awful pain of missing someone. Heartbreak is something that doesn’t get repaired like a cut. You cant put a bandied over it to stop it from bleeding. I got it try slamming your finger in the door repeatedly  every four hours a day. You know that throbbing pain that lingers.  Then maybe you will understand partially what heartbreak is.

      1. 117.1.1
        Marie

        Um, your reply is very generic and a typical male response. Which proves my point you have no clue if the other side gets over it.It just makes you sleep better at night to think that a woman  gets over it. When in fact she doesn’t just get over it. Why can’t a man just do the right thing and have some type of morality.  Yes males get over it easy because you don’t have the same feelings as a woman.Males idea of dating is like a conveyor belt and more of machinist mentality. Males have no feelings when it comes to dating. When a male gets dumped the only thing that hurts is his ego.

         

         

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Men have feelings, too. The fact that you diminish this means that YOU don’t understand, not me,

    1. 117.2
      Karl R

      Marie said:

      “The love that is the highest feeling you can ever think of  but I am not sure a male is capable of such a feeling.”

      “Males are more primitive and heartless”

      “Yes males get over it easy because you don’t have the same feelings as a woman.”

      “Males have no feelings when it comes to dating”

      “When a male gets dumped the only thing that hurts is his ego.”

       

      If my opinion of women was as low as your opinion of men, I wouldn’t bother dating them.  I have to wonder why you bothered.

      Furthermore, if my opinion of women was as low as your opinion of men, I would expect well-adjusted women to dump me as soon as they realized how poorly I thought of them.

       

      On the matter of pain:

      Your two examples of pain are (1) a cut that can be treated by a band-aid, and (2) slamming your fingers in a door.  That tells me that you’ve had very little experience with physical pain.

      It sounds like you’re going through your first breakup (ever).  It’s painful (because its a breakup).  And since you haven’t been through it before, you haven’t experienced the pain slowly fading over time.  To you it seems like the end of everything.

      This is complicated by the fact that you have very little experience with pain.

      Before my first breakup, I’d had four broken bones, a dislocated joint, 10 stitches in my forehead (without being given any anesthesia), and I’d had a few hundred cases of frostbite (mostly 1st degree, some 2nd degree).  In terms of emotional pain, I’d dealt with my grandparents being murdered.

      It may have been my first breakup, but I had a lot more experience with pain.

       

      There is a difference between feeling pain and showing pain.  By the time of the breakup, I was quite capable of not showing the pain that I was feeling.  In general, men in the U.S. (and many other cultures) are encouraged to conceal whatever pain they’re feeling (physical or emotional).

      You are assuming that men don’t feel the same pain, just because we aren’t showing it.

       

      Marie asked:

      “how am I suppose to stop the pain that doesn’t seem to subside. Everyday I feel it I wake up to it is this really happening praying for the pain to stop.”

       

      The pain fades over time.  Give it a year.  Or at least several months.

      You aren’t going to “just get over it” after just a week or two.  Not unless you lacked feelings for your boyfriend/girlfriend.

       

      As you get older, and get more experience with pain (of all sorts), you’ll get better at managing pain.  You’ll still feel pain, but it won’t dominate your life. 

      If the emotional pain hasn’t started to diminish after 3 months, you might want to seek some professional help.  It’s normal to still feel some pain at that point, but it should be noticeably less. However, certain people (men and women) have a disorder where their grief does not diminish in the normal manner.

      1. 117.2.1
        Marie

        Um, I have actually have stopped dating. I have actually dated with standards. When a person psychologically messes with your head it enters into a whole new ball game of messed up. Yes I have been a bit naive, but should someone take advantage of that innocent mentality. You have two types of people that either take advantage or protect. I have learned people are unpredictable at times. I really didn’t think my outcome was going to be like this. If I could see the future or learned how to protect my heart. I would greatly take that option. The way I see it i can either do what he did to me or strive to evolve from this somehow.

        I am sorry for your loss. Loosing someone is by far the hardest thing that someone can go through. I have lost my fiance and that was extremely painful at the time it took time to heal from that but you never forget them. Heartbreak is my best friend I know it too well. Each relationship I have taken time in between each one. I have grieved and learned from each person.  It was very traumatizing situation. I just wish people would be more mindful of their actions. Where I am from guys are just no words for them. Its a throw away type mentality.  I have to say I have never experienced this type of pain from heartbreak probably because I loved him deeply and miss him so much. It just really sucks why people do what they do I would never intentionally hurt someone.

  28. 118
    Marie

    Evan, a feeling is an emotional state. I am not denying that a male has feelings towards his TV or his car but towards woman we are viewed as object or something he desires. Which I suppose would invoke a feeling, but a woman’s feeling has more intensity and depth compared to a man’s. Do you see numerous of  men blogging about how they screwed over by a woman.  That I would like to see.

  29. 119
    Karl R

    Marie,

    I’m glad you have stopped dating.

    You have convinced yourself that men’s emotions lack the depth and intensity of women’s.  You’ve convinced yourself that men lack feelings (or have no feelings) when it comes to dating.  You’ve convinced yourself that men are primitive and heartless.

     

    That leads to one inescapable conclusion.  You are sexist.

    As far as sexist beliefs go, yours seems particularly self-serving.  You’ve convinced yourself that men don’t get hurt (except for their egos) when they’re dumped.  That belief allows you to avoid feeling guilt when you dump men … and cause them the exact same pain you’re currently feeling.

     

    I would recommend that all women avoid dating sexist men.  Similarly, I would recommend all men avoid dating sexist women.

    Sexism, in men, is truly ugly.  It’s no less ugly in women.

     

    Psychologists have performed at least one study where they compared men and women’s involuntary responses (blood pressure, heart rate, pupil dilation) to emotional situations.  Men and women showed equal involuntary reactions to emotional stimuli.  However, when the men and women were asked to self-report their emotional response, the men self-reported feeling less emotion than women … even though their involuntary reactions showed otherwise.

    Feel free to ignore the scientific data.  Most sexists and bigots choose to ignore scientific findings when they conflict with their own personal beliefs.

  30. 120
    Lisa

    This is just awesome. I recently dated a guy who when I told him I loved him, broke up with me via a text message and told me he could never love me and that he shouldn’t have allowed the relationship to go as far as it had. Yet the day before he broke up with me he told me he was happy with me and couldn’t wait to see me. I was very angry with him for leading me on like he did, and the first day I begged him not to do this, he had made up his mind. I have been feeling so angry and betrayed for awhile now. He apologized for hurting me like this over a text but I didn’t think it was good enough. He allowed me to believe we had something, and I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I dont hate him, and for awhile I wanted him back but honestly after reading this I dont… I know I deserve better but the hurt wont go away. I dont know how to let go of the anger of the hurt he cause by betraying me.

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