How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart

How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart
I invite you to think of the last time you were emotionally invested in a man.

It could have been a promising prospect you met online, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.

The common denominator is that this man, who took your breath away and gave you hope, ultimately left you.

Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped.

I know how it feels. Most people do. You stake your dreams on the integrity of your relationship, only to find out that he had eyes for someone else, that he had major issues with you, or that he wasn’t ready to commit to you.

This can be devastating. It can make you mistrustful. It can make you lose faith. It can stop you from dating entirely.

But the hardest part is how, far too often, you never quite get over him.

Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped. It makes perfect sense. He might have broken up with you, but that doesn’t mean you love him any less.

This exact scenario happened recently with my client, Wanda, who was still recovering from a short relationship with a man she met on JDate.

They had gotten physical after 5 dates, took down their profiles, and gave an exclusive relationship a shot. Two and a half months later, he broke things off. Said he wasn’t feeling what he thought he should be feeling. Said it wasn’t her fault. Said he wanted to remain friends.

So Wanda has remained friends with her ex – and has remained in love with him as well.

Needless to say, it’s extremely hard for her to move on. Every new man gets unfavorably compared to the ex. It’s not that she’s wrong; Wanda can’t help herself. She felt that dizzy, passionate, “in love” feeling, and even though the ex is gone, the feeling still lingers.

But should it?

Hell, no!

Wanda’s is wondering about how to get him back. She’s hoping that their friendship turns back into a relationship. She’s “dating” but not really giving herself to the process.

In other words, she is pining for the return of a man who does not love her unconditionally.

Talk about a bad plan. Then again, you’ve probably done the same thing. If you’re still holding onto a man from your past, my eBook, Why He Disappeared will show you how to instantly let go.

But let me ask you: don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally? Wouldn’t you figure that this should be a pre-condition for any man who’s going to spend his life with you? I sure do.

In fact, if I’m building the perfect man, I’m starting there and working backwards:

1)    Most important quality: Loves you unconditionally. Will stick by you for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.

2)    Second most important quality: Everything else – height, weight, age, income, education, etc.

Yet all I hear about, over and over, is the amazing, tall, cute, sexy, charismatic, funny, successful guy who breaks your heart when he doesn’t want to commit to you.

Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is.

…He was willing to let you go.

Well, guess what?

That guy SUCKS!

Your husband DOESN’T leave you.

Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his fundamental flaw.

And you’re holding onto an idealized image of him – hoping he comes back.

Why? So when you get him back, he STILL doesn’t love you unconditionally?

Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is. It’s not that he’s not a great catch on paper. But in practice, he’s a terrible life partner for you for one reason.

He was willing to let you go.

Now it’s time for you to let him go.

Same thing with any man who broke your heart in the past. Let him go.

Only then can you open up to true love – the kind that endures forever.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Dolly81

    I’m in a really shitty situation. I have been reading a few of the posts and comments and I don’t know whether I feel better or worse because as I thought, its looking like I drove this guy away. We had been seeing each other for a few weeks even though I have known him for years and were on and off contact wise. I know that he has a tendency to not commit and just leave women and I know that one woman who he drove mad by doing this was constantly contacting him looking to know why he left and trying to win him back etc. He blocked her off his phone and all else eventually. He still has her on facebook but thinks shes nuts and tries his best to avoid her. I was with him a few yrs ago, didn’t have sex or anything, more kissy cuddly stuff. Just for a night or so. He went on about how he was looking forward to giving things a go with me. Then all of a sudden he backed away without word. I mailed him saying how I felt and that I did not want to be treated like that girl before me as I was nothing like her and deserved a bit more respect seeing as we were friends before anything else. At this point he told me it was him and not me and that he was sorry but thats just the way he is etc… He tried to come back some time later at all hrs of the night saying he thought he may love me. Now, he had granted had a few beers on him so I didnt think too much of that and again I didnt see him for a long time. Recently I was sitting having a few drinks with a friend and spotted this guy on facebook chat. By now, it was least 2 yrs since we spoke and I was well shot of him but didnt feel in any bad way over him. I just said hi stranger and he spoke back, called me. We arranged that he call over for drinks the following night at which point I joked that I knew what he was like and that it would all change in the morning and that he wouldn’t bother. He said that he wouldnt because he would really like to see me again. He came up, stayed over, didnt have sex as he said he didnt want me to think thats all he came up for. Had a nice night and he even fixed my toilet that broke the next day. I let him go and expected him to go off radar again. We even joked, we should do it again in another few years. He didnt go off the radar after all. Rang me again during week on his break etc… Came down for more nights together. I played very cool as I knew he scared easy. Let him do all the ringing save for a few drunk texts at the weekend but he knows I am a disaster for drunk texting so it wasnt an issue. Then for some inane reason, after I bloody well had him, I started banging on about this get together I was having for my birthday. My male friends were away so there was going to be just some women. I KNEW he was nervous about this and instead of telling him it was ok and I didnt expect him to come, I feel now I was pressurising. Up until the night before he said he was coming but would come early for a few drinks before everyone else for some dutch courage. Next evening when he was practically due to be there he sent me a text saying, ” I know your going to hate me but i wont make it up tonight. Really sorry babes” AGAIN, for some inane reason and gut feeling, I texted back saying “What? No reason? Just finishing up in a text?” Got nothing so then I sent one saying that as the women were saying also, it was understandable that he didn’t come under the circumstances but that if there was more to it than that and I would prefer to know. Nothing back either so just sort of reiterated it again in another text. Last text I sent was the next morning saying something like he had ruined my night, it was a disaster and that my friends ended up arguing etc…. I did apologise the next day for my texts and reiterated that I understood why he didnt come but that I was dissapointed at how it was left. It didnt even deliver so I reckon like he has done to people before that I am now blocked. Its devastating! Feel like he has completely taken my dignity by not even allowing me to say a thing or him to say a thing. Dont feel I deserved that. I would never do that during week or anything and he knows from previous conversations that I would never stalk him either cyber wise or otherwise. Of course I was going to be upset at him just blanking me like that and on account of it being my birthday as well. He swore he wasnt going to mess me around again and now he’s left me feeling like I am stupid and very foolish. Can’t stand that he is left with this impression of me that he never had before and that I am in that category of women that he feels are nuts. I know maybe a lot of it is that he doesnt like confrontation and its just easier for him to block it all. I dont even have the comfort that at least he can see that Im not emailing frantically or texting him off the wall (which I wouldnt) because he has me blocked on everything.

    1. 91.1
      Sabine

      I am so sorry this happened to you. He blocked you? Forget him! That is just so passive aggressive and a rotten way to say, I think we should part paths. While you may feel you are at fault (silly texts after a few), forgiveness is part of unconditional love (the focus of this discussion) and this is what I am sure you ultimately want.

      Learn from it, grow from it and don’t text when you party :-) I just learned a similar lesson myself and it’s brought me to love myself more as I am :-) Drop him from your heart, read a few books or sites about healing, feng shui your home (AMAZING life changes and what I’m doing this weekend after my break up to start anew) and meet someone who brings out the best in you!!! Sometimes hard lessons in love are the ones we need to be the best partners for the right guy not Mr. Right Now :-)

  2. 92
    Luisa

    @Dolly81 – you knew better than anyone that the guy you were talking about bails easily. You knew it right from the start, yet you couldn’t help pursuing him once he started backing away. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it. It’s not worth it. So, he blocked your number…take it as a lesson for next time. When your insecurities and anxieties go into over-drive that’s your cue to take a step back. Sometimes when we’re too close to a situation, we can’t see clearly.
    I’m going from my own experience. I recently went out with a guy who turned out to be an active avoider…things progressed really quickly (too quickly) with him and then a few weeks later, where is he now? Gone. I was gutted and it took me a couple of weeks to get my head around it. I deleted his number and threw out all the gifts, cards etc he’s given me. Just when he got me and I started to believe it. I realised that as Evan says, he was being in the moment. But people can change their minds, get scared themselves or simply lose interest.  
    Like he said to you, it wasn’t you, it was him. I know it’s easier said than done but let him go. Next time, I’ll take it easy. I won’t get suckered into the nice words and plans so early on. I’ll let things unfold naturally, at their own pace, in their own time. You will meet other men, some will come and some will go. Keep your heart open and take it one date at a time. Whatever happens, you’ll be OK. :-)

  3. 93
    Nicole

    I told the man that I was dating (and i say dating because he would never make us an official couple) that I loved him after a year. That seemed to be the demise of our relationship. He would continue to pull away from me for weeks and otheweek kels want to spend a few days at a time with me. All the while never making a verbal commitment to me he would treat me as though he cared about me whem we were together, openinag doors, making me dinners, cuddling with me and send me sweet messages that he missed me. I eventually found out that he several other woman he had been sleeping with or slept with. I pondered on our conversations about our lives wondering when he would find the time to be with his children, have a busy work week, spend his time with me….and still find the time to be with all these other women. It was confusing how he managed to find so much time in his “supposed” busy week for all of his extra carricular activities to me, when I myself am a single working mother, raising two children, trying to make time for them, sometimes with jobs, and somehow making time for him. Am I bitter much now after our failed “dating”….yes. Now, I’m just trying to move past the relationship that was deceitful and damaging to my spirits becausso for some reason I still feel love for that unloving man and wish I didn’t.

  4. 94
    Lynn

    I’m very heart broken and have taken some of this advise to heart… I am new to dating. I was very young when I married, right out of high school, I was 17 and never dated when I met my ex-husband, 18 when we married he was the first man I fell in love with, second man I had been on a date with. We were married 25 years when I found out he liked children. I was alone for almost ten years after that and I turned to food for comfort. I turned 50, my children left home and I found myself alone and way over weight. I took control lost 100lbs and started to date. I’ve never really dated so had no idea of rules or what was expected. I dated a nice man thought I was in love but he was very helpful in helping me figure out what I want and what he could not give me, we are now friends. I met another man online we e-mailed and then we dated once it was wonderful and we decided to continue to date, then the holidays/family came between us and I didn’t hear from him so I reconnected by calling him in January. We had so many things in common and I wanted to get to know him better. We started dating more and had developed an amazing connection …we could talk to each other very openly and what I thought was honestly, I was always completely honest and up front with him…and there was such electricity and connection between us it felt very easy. He treated me so well, so nice. He introduced me as his girl friend at his sisters wedding to his family.. I was in heaven thought he was feeling the same as I was… then I made the mistake of telling him (two days later) that I loved him. The first thing he said was ‘ I was afraid of that.’then he told me ‘I don’t love you, you are not my soul mate, we have this great connection and there is electricity and it is, wow, but we are not compatible for a long term relationship. I asked him when he was going to tell me he said he was going to soon, but his sisters wedding came up and I had offered to do the flowers. My mind tells me he used me to do the flowers for his sister. My heart tells me he couldn’t be that person…. to use me like that.
    It was out of the blue. A shock, I couldn’t help it I let a few tears slip out …I tried not to. I didn’t want him to feel bad for telling me the truth. I said something about the things we had planned to do and he said maybe we could be friends. I told him I wasn’t sure if I could do that…. I saw no signs, no clue’s that he wasn’t feeling the same. I trusted him. Now I can’t seem to get over him. A week later when I went to pick up a few of my things, I offered a friends with benefits option (thinking I would be ok with it at the time) he refused and said he didn’t run that way, but we could be together for one more time, he then wanted me to promise we would just be friends. I refused that night but the next morning I said yes thinking if I could just keep him in my life things might change. I have seen him a few time’s after the break up. Once for support at a funeral a few weeks after the break up that he promised to go with me to…he did and then called me sweetheart during the dinner. It devastated me again because I wanted it to be true. I was confused even more trying to think why he said it. I realized it was just a slip, a mistake. He still had my archway I loaned him and he needed to bring it back after the wedding. He wanted to bring it and take me out for dinner. I said yes. He did and it was great we had a great time talking and enjoying an urban meal for three hours. I enjoyed his company so much, he is so nice…. and I am now more devastated then before. I feel like it was so much easier being alone. Now weeks later I just can’t seem to get him off my mind or out of my heart. I feel so naïve… I keep reading dating sites and it seems I did everything wrong. I think perhaps learning how to date at 52 is not good for a woman. I’ve tried to go back online …no responses to my online profile is just great for my self-esteem. I went on one date and realized I was making comparisons most of the time and that was not fair to this new man…So I just never got back to him. Perhaps dating is not for me if it ends up this way more often than not, at least that’s what I seem to be reading about so much. All the mistakes a woman makes to drive away the man she loves. I hope this heartache goes away sometime soon, but I’m afraid it never will…

  5. 95
    Naomi

    You’re post makes absolute sense to me..and I totally agree with it. For some reason though I can’t bring myself to actually cut myself off from him. Me and my ex broke up and like a couple months later he kept telling me that he wants to hang out with me. Pretty much now we are nothing but friends with benefits, but he texts me every single day, asks me to do things with him..all the time, and he even asked if I wanted to go to dinner with his mom and him…I am so absolutely done with this back and forth. I know that I have to stop having sex with him because it will help me separate the emotional feelings I’m having for him, but I just feel so attached that I can stop myself from responding to his messages. I feel like I love him, obviously, but I also feel like maybe he just wants to be friends, but when we’re together, he kisses me like no one else has….but uggh….just over all the heartache and pain. I want to get on with my life.

  6. 96
    Sparkling Emerald

    It’s hard when the last guy who broke your heart was your hubby of 20 plus years and father of your child.  Just when I think I’m over him emotionally, he sends me an e-mail saying he misses something about me, and accidently signs it “Love, (His name).  Or sends a mothers’ day card over via my son, saying I was a good wife and mom and he sorry he hurt me.  Or gives me a nice birthday gift. 
    Sometimes I’m really not sure if I’m looking for my next relationship or a little mini-heartbreak to take my mind off of the big one. :)
     

  7. 97
    Jadeite

    NIcole #100, the best thing you could do to help you move forward is accept the fact that the man you were with is a narcissist.  What he did was about him, not about you.  Any many who won’t make it official after a 3-6 months and put a label on it, is actually putting a label on it.

  8. 98
    Firefly

    Of all the insensitive ‘advice’ out there, this has got to be the worst! It’s clear to me the writer has never and truly been in live or in a committed relationship if they think seriously it’s that easy to just go ‘fiddle dee dee’ and flounce off like the man meant nothing to you.

    1. 98.1
      Sputnik Sweetheart

      I have to concur, and I have been through extensive marriage/divorce counseling. It takes a long time to heal, and it should take a long time to heal, if the relationship had any merit at all. I think that fostering this kind of “Well, whatever!” type of attitude is the same thing that gives people the idea that their mates are disposable to begin with. 

  9. 99
    jasmine

    i have dated my ex boyfriend 29 times,me and my best friends kept track/count.i still cannot get over him.its like he took a big chunk of my heart.when we are dating,he makes me feel special like i am the only girl in the world.i have had soooo many boys break my heart:[me and my ex just dated recently,but he dumped me on our 3 months anniversary.i am sooooooooo up set…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. 100
    Nicole

    I went through the crappiest breakup in the world, my ex cheated on me and moved out of state, he even took our dog since it was technically his. I was probably sadder about the dog to be honest. The only way I was finally able to get over it was by visiting the forums at exaholics.com and talking to people who had also gone through all the things that I had and felt as bad as I did and really understood what I was going through. I hope this helps!

  11. 101
    Elle

    I have been struggling for the last few months after my break up. I read books and online articles, laughing bitterly at the cliche advice but what I needed was cold truth. This helped tremendously. Thank you.

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