The Most Moving Email I’ve Ever Shared

The Most Moving Email I've Ever Shared

I’ve written over 1000 blog posts and 250 newsletters, but I’ve never written anything like this. It’s long, but since it’s New Years Eve, you should have a moment to read it to the end. I think you will find it as touching and inspirational as I did.

Suzy is a 41-year-old woman who applied to work with me in September. Here’s what she said on her application.

“I had several serious relationships in my 20′s but spent most of my 30′s working. I date but stay cerebral – nervous to develop an emotionally intimate relationship with a true partner.”

Like many of my clients, Suzy is an alpha – driven, opinionated, sexual, and unabashedly feminist – but she has beta level confidence when it comes to men.

Suzy cheerfully acknowledges that she’s not everybody’s type. But the point is: she doesn’t have to be.

This lack of confidence was reflected in her choices.

Instead of dating prolifically in her 30’s so that she could fall in love and start a family, Suzy retreated to the safety of career development. Nothing wrong with that.

The problem is that life didn’t turn out the way she’d planned. Suzy always saw herself as a Mom, and now, at 41, she was under the gun to figure it all out fast.

With my help, Suzy started online dating – a medium where she has never been successful. After all, she’s not in her 20’s. She has an average body. She wears glasses. Suzy cheerfully acknowledges that she’s not everybody’s type. But the point is: she doesn’t have to be. All she had to do was make the most of her strengths and find the discipline to get online with consistency.

Here’s what Suzy said after one month of working together:

“I talked to a guy from Match this evening, have 2 guys from HowAboutWe emailing me, getting beers with another guy tomorrow evening and I didn’t see Thomas tonight but he texted to say he was sorry to miss me and wants to hang out soon…. Regardless of the outcomes, these are great ego boosts and makes me confident that I CAN DO THIS. SO weird how guys sense other guys sniffing around. I find that fascinating.

And thank you for reminding me that being SANE is an advantage in the dating pool. I took that as a major compliment.

Thanks again for everything, Evan. I feel like I may have turned a corner this week – mentally, if nothing else….Couldn’t have done it without you.

Suzy

What did Suzy do that resulted in this shift? Nothing much. New photo/profile. Got online every day for a half-hour. Wrote to one guy per day when she wasn’t satisfied with the quality or quantity of the incoming emails.

Within weeks, Suzy found a guy she liked. Just as importantly, the guy, Stuart, really liked her, too. Naturally, Suzy immediately started fast-forwarding to the future – “Is this guy going to be my husband or not?”

During our phone session, I instructed her to not worry about whether Stuart was going to be her future husband, and instead contemplate what was important at this critical juncture. If Suzy is 41 and Stuart isn’t sure if he wants kids, was she willing to go down that road? Would she hold out hope that she could find a man who wants to have his own biological children, who’d propose and impregnate her quickly, and that she’d be able to carry to term when she’s 44? Or would she be okay being the world’s greatest aunt?

There was no right answer. This was Suzy’s own personal dilemma. But at least I was able to get her to confront this existential life choice, instead of avoiding it, as she was so adept at doing during her 30’s. It was a tearful conversation, where Suzy found herself at a crossroads and had to decide if she could be happy letting go of her original dream and creating a new dream with a new man.

Here’s the email that she wrote to me on Thanksgiving morning:

To get your point of view today about kids versus not kids was very healing for me. To know it’s okay to let go of that vision was really helpful. It’s nice to hear a guy’s perspective too. Sometimes women get weird about this topic.

I wanted to share some additional insights I had after we hung up – you help so many women, I thought it might good to write this down.

But first, a little Thanksgiving Thank You: Thank you for helping me make huge strides in a very short amount of time. I felt more confidence dating in the last 2 months than I have in the last 20 years. It’s truly a gift that I have you to thank for. Whatever happens with this dude doesn’t really matter because I believe now. I believe I deserve a great guy. And I believe I will find one. Thank you for that.

My thoughts after our talk today:

For a women to have to let go of the dream of having kids is so deep, so fundamental…I can’t find words to describe it. A few years ago when I was dealing with the melanoma and realizing that the door was shutting before I wanted it to, it felt like a huge, gaping wound deep in my chest. Lame imagery but it’s all I got. At certain times, it was far too easy to go to that dark and ugly place. Some women probably get stuck there which is why I think your words are powerful enough to help them get un-stuck.

I’ve had a lot of dreams. I’ve had a lot of disappointments. The one reason I worked so hard to heal my ulcerative colitis and refused surgery was because I wanted to be able to have kids naturally. That was my main motivation to drinking terrible tasting Chinese herbs, and give myself embarrassing home remedies while my peers were out getting wasted and enjoying their twenties.

That’s the thing – every woman doesn’t just have the dream but all the years leading up to what she thinks is rightfully hers. We are told from Day 1 that one day we will grow up, find our prince, have babies and live happily ever after. Stupid and ridiculous fantasy but oh-so-ingrained in our psyche. It’s our birthright. We may not be able to become president. We may not be able to fight in a war. We may not be able to do a lot of things. But having kids is the one thing we believe we will get to do no matter what.

And it’s a very, very cruel thing to realize that something that you feel was supposed to be yours, the thing you’ve been in line with all the other girls waiting patiently with your hands outstretched, only to look around and see that your hands remain empty. Your womb remains empty. That little room you decorated in your head remains empty.

So you walk away and try to suck it up.

To let go of the dream while everyone around you is partaking in that dream is the worst part. Magazine covers, commercials, TV shows, baby this, baby that, smug friends, clueless peers – reminding you of the lost dream. Teenage girls, young college grads, idiots everywhere, people who never see their kids in Manhattan, people who abuse their own babies – they all have your dream. I know you and your wife struggled to get/stay pregnant and can understand this.

I liked being reminded by you that my life can still be fulfilling. Most of us are made to feel “less than” for not being mothers.

I liked being reminded by you that I can still find lots of ways to have kids in my life. It’s true that many of us are the glue that nobody sees or recognizes, making a big difference in one or more kids’ lives. I’m crazy in love with my nieces and nephews. And I get to enjoy them on a different level than I would if I was a parent.

I like being reminded by you that a lot of us don’t get what we want and we have to adjust to being happy with our actual reality. Everyone is disappointed in life at some point or another. I agree that being happy is a choice.

I really, really needed to hear that today.

I take responsibility for landing here. I know I co-created this situation (to borrow a phrase from your friend, Katherine) for a lot of fairly valid reasons.

One of those reasons was that I didn’t want other kids to get sick like I was at a young age. I made a promise to myself that I would do what I could to help LOTS of babies. And I didn’t want to be an absent mom, a distracted workaholic mom – not my style. Full-on mama mode or not at all. I made a choice somewhere along the way. I accept that I got myself in this situation.

Regardless of how I landed here, I guess I still want to hear that it’s okay to be sad about letting the dream go. That it can feel heartbreaking on many levels. That it’s totally unfair that Charlie Chaplin could have babies well into his 70′s. That I have every right to mourn the dream. But that the key is to not wallow in that grief, or spend my life wishing for something else. Because you’re right: the trick to happiness IS finding a way to be happy with whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.

And that after I grieve for an appropriate amount of time that I should then put the dream in a little hope chest. With that blanket I imagined passing along to my kids. And the little gender-neutral art piece that I picked up a flea market. Then I need to close that chest – while I release the dream.

And know that a beautiful one is coming instead. One that I couldn’t have imagined when I was 8, 16 or 23 years old. But if I keep looking through the hope chest and being sad, I won’t see this new dream. This one that will fulfill me on so many levels. The one that may end up being better than the one that I thought I wanted.

And it’s going to be fucking awesome. I need to get ready for it. Be open to it…and most importantly, that my path may not be the same as others and that’s okay.

I have made my choice. I want a partner more than I want kids. It’s hard to write down and say out loud but there you have it. It’s also difficult to reconcile that one may not go with the other. But I can accept this reality. Hard, especially in my family, but I can do it.

That’s where I arrived after our talk but only because I was able to write this email and send it to someone that understood. So thanks for listening.

You’re doing good work, Evan.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I just read this again and immediately started to tear up. It may be the most poignant email I’ve ever received – and I’ve received THOUSANDS of emails.

By making peace with her choices and carrying herself with confidence, Suzy has come as far as any of my clients have ever come in only three months.

But, of course, her story is just beginning.

The same woman who couldn’t “develop an emotionally intimate relationship with a true partner,” is on the way to doing just that. Here’s what she wrote last week:

Thank you again for EVERYTHING, Evan. Stuart and I are still doing well. We both want to make it work and even making plans for next month (big for me!). I’m selfishly glad that you didn’t become a screenwriter because you have a beautiful gift and we need you doing THIS work! What could be a better career than helping people find love? Keep up the wonderful work. You’re the best!

Warmly,

Suzy

I am so proud of Suzy for taking her love life seriously, trusting in the process, and creating this exciting new relationship. I told her not to write me a testimonial until she’s officially “in love” but I’m very confident that I’ll be hearing from her soon.

The most important thing in the world: HOPE

So if you’re a little lonely this New Years Eve, and you are hoping to find the man of your dreams in 2014, please accept this small gift from me.

It’s a link to my Success Stories page.

You may see it as shameless self-promotion.

I see it as the most important thing in the world: HOPE

Without hope – for a great guy, for a loving marriage – you’ve got nothing.

Check out my happiest clients and consider whether you’re going to have hope and take action next year.

That’s what Suzy did, and that’s why she is flying high right now.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Erin

    Suzy, I have a girl crush on you!
    Thank you for your very candid and personal email, and thank you for allowing Evan to share it with the rest of us. You so accurately describe the emotional roller coaster of dating and the impossible to predict future.  I am in a very similar position that you are in, and it is very validating to know that there are other women who share my feelings. 
    I also had to have a giggle (through my tears) at “…say goodbye to the little gender neutral piece of art…” I have a few of those things, and I recently gave one away to a very wonderful friend who adores it in her nursery. 
    Anyway, many many thanks for sharing your story.  The guy who lands you is a lucky man. 

    1. 1.1
      Raquel

      Pardon my butting in, I also had a moment with that same line “…the little gender-neutral piece of art”. Yours was to giggle as mine was to the thought that Suzy could have been an excellent mom, open-minded to her child’s gender even before his/her birth.

  2. 2
    Jeanne

    Suzy,
    You are amazing and inspiring and wonderful. Your words are so sincere and heartfelt that I wish you only the most incredibly exciting, loving and romantic relationship of your life!!! Many years of happiness for you :-) You are most definitely a catch :-)

  3. 3
    starthrower68

    God bless her. It takes courage to face that realization then act on it. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for her. I have been gifted with three beautiful children and I can’t bear to think of what life might have been without them. I pray that as she has made peace with her decision and choices, that she will be as blessed and fulfilled on this path as she would have been on the other one.

  4. 4
    Locutus

    Why is everyone gushing with pity over this OP??  I’m baffled.  She chose to put aside looking for a relationship throughout her entire 30′s and is now regretful and sad that it happened.  This was her CHOICE!!!!   I can’t feel any sympathy for a choice made with full awareness of the results, but I can offer advice.  OP, if you truly desire to have children of your own (not adopted) more than anything in the world then I would recommend talking to a great guy you can trust, perhaps a very close friend who is a respectful person, and get pregnant.  Have a kid now and take your time looking for a man.   I dated a girl briefly who was 41 when I was 34.  She wanted a kid like crazy.  I only dated her for 2 months and it was long distance (150 miles).  I stayed sort of friends and chatted with her maybe once or twice a year.  After me, she dated a guy for 1.5 years and then it fizzled.  Then she dated a guy for over 2 years who she was sure they were going to be married.  Nope, they broke up.  Recently she just got married at age 46.  He looks like a decent guy and I’m happy for her, but I doubt she will be able to have a child at her age and if she can the chances of it being unhealthy are much greater.  My point is, if it is your deepest desire to have a child, do it now.  You still have plenty of time in life to meet the right man.  

    1. 4.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Locutus/Karl T -
      This is what I picked up on
      “I had several serious relationships in my 20′s but spent most of my 30′s working.”
      Maybe she had a few heartbreaks in her 20′s and threw herself into her career to bury the pain.  Now in her early 40′s the pull of motherhood and the pain of it most likely being too late is hitting her.
      Perhaps her “decision” to focus on her career wasn’t so much a conscious decision, but a reaction to a decade of pain, frustration, heartache and disappointment in her love life.
      The article didn’t specifically say how her serious relationships in her 20′s ended, so I can’t really know for sure, but it is a plausible explanation.

    2. 4.2
      Henriette

      Interesting comment, @Locutus.  I would suggest that if she wishes to go the “have a baby on her own” route, she use a sperm bank rather than a friend/ acquaintance.  Raising a child can cause difficulty even between 2 married people deeply in love and I have seen many friendly co-parents end up hating each other (and hurting the kid in the process). 
      Also, you state that she should have a child while she can and look for a man later.  While I whole-heartedly agree with the sentiment behind your suggestion, I am less likely to agree with your assertion that she still will be able to meet the right man later on in life.  Sadly, from what I’ve read on this blog, it seems like men see single mothers as targets for easy sex, gold-digging users who want a guy to financially carry her and her child or undesirable for any other of a number of reasons.  And heck, it’s not like men are banging down the doors of most over-40 women, anyway…
      I have some friends who very much wanted kids when they were younger but slowly came to embrace their child-free lives and are now VERY glad that they never reproduced.  Others had children on their own and all but one have had a really tough time dating.    No matter which path Suzy chooses, I hope it brings her happiness.

    3. 4.3
      Ruby

      What you don’t realize, Locutus, is that a woman can go through her twenties or thirties feeling that she’s okay without a husband or kids, and then wake up at 40 – once it’s down to the wire – realizing that she still would like to have a baby. It happens, and people change their mindset about such things. It’s pretty tough to have – or adopt – a chilod on your own and then expect a man to be ready and willing to step in and be the baby’s father. From what I see, few men want to take that kind of responsibility on.

  5. 5
    Locutus

    Sparkling,
    That is total speculation.  There nothing in her comments that even hints that her relationships in her 20′s were bad.  
    Henriette,
    Thank you for your insight.  I always respect your very wise and unbiased input.  I didn’t want to get into the semantics of her getting pregnant, I just wanted to make the point.  But your suggestions (i.e. sperm donor thing) sound like good advice. 
    I am not saying she should stop looking for the right guy, I’m just saying she should just have a kid if she wants to right now.  The search for a partner should never cease.  I disagree that having a kid will cause her to have issues finding a guy.  Not at her age.  She is 41.  At her age she should look for guys approx. 36 to 46 (+/- 5 years).  Many of these guys will also have kids and/or will be looking for something serious.  Players are easy to flush out.  Just don’t have sex with them for a few months or for a good amount of dates and no player is going to bother to stick around.  
    Ruby,
    I understand people can change their mind.  But the choice to have children is a HUGE one!!!  This should be given serious thought all throughout a person’s 20′s and 30′s!!!!  Plus it sounds to me like the OP always wanted kids- she mentions “having to let go of a dream”, as if it is something she wanted her whole life.  Doesn’t sound to me that it was a sudden change of heart to have kids suddenly.  

    1. 5.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Locutus- I acknowledged that my thoughts were speculation,  but my speculations were not entirely implausible.  There is nothing to suggest they were good or ended well either.  If her “several relationships”  ended what are the odds that they were all good ?  And aren’t you speculating by assuming they were ?
      Have you ever felt an ounce of sympathy for a woman even once in your life EVER ????? Because I have NEVER seen you comment once on this blog, either now or in your past incarnation as Karl T. except to put women down, or complain that anyone has an ounce of empathy for a woman. 
      ATWYS.
       
       

      1. 5.1.1
        Locutus

        Sparkling,
        You have to be the biggest instigator on this whole site.  You seem to always have to make personal comments about me in your replies.  You’re clearly a bitter bitter person.  You are the only one who claims I put women down.  Take a good look at yourself in the mirror.  
        As for my comment- I didn’t speculate on anything!  I didn’t make any speculations at all.  Leave it to you to say that my silence is a speculation in itself.  Incredible.  You are clearly anti-men and I won’t waste anymore time arguing with you because I will just be censored and nor do I care to argue.  You seem to always want to jump all over my comments immediately.  You should change your name to Tarnished Emerald, it would be more fitting.

        1. SparklingEmerald

          Re-read your post Locutus, you are the one attacking me.  And I LOVE men Karl T., I would be on a blog site and dating if I didn’t.
          YOUR comments towards women here are always condescending and critical.  I have never seen you ONCE show any kindness towards a female poster or women in general.
          The fact that you get so ANGRY when others show some kindness and empathy to a woman who realizes that her chance at motherhood has mostly evaporated speaks volumes about you.  And it doesn’t show any great love for women on your part.
           
           
           

        2. Locutus

          Sparkling,
          You personally insult me by claiming I always put women down and then when I reply to this you claim I am attacking you.  That’s pretty spineless.  I think you truly have shown your true colors on this site.  I won’t continue to waste my time justifying my position to a person who is a totally biased person and always looking to instigate arguments which is absolutely clear by your immediate contradicting responses to near every post I make.  How come the others responding don’t take up any anger with me?  Ruby and Henriette both replied respectfully and they both had good counterpoints to say to me.  You simply reply with that I put down women.  I think others on here are seeing right through you now and will now consider your future responses to be irrelevant.

  6. 6
    SAL9000

    Women like Suzy got sold a real bad bill of goods on the pseudo feminism of the ’70s and ’80s, and the unfortunate consequences are damaged women. Acknowledging this doesn’t help the Suzys but it is hoped it helps those younger.
    Suzy’s maternal dreams are not over however. I don’t know why Evan didn’t mention it or why it hasn’t been brought up in comments. Adoption is an excellent route to go, and I have seen infinitely successful stories (it’s an option for me). 

  7. 7
    Julia

    Why does everyone disagree with her decision? She made a choice, love and partnership is more important than a child. As a woman who still has a decent amount of time, I’ve already made that decision for myself. Not every woman dreams only of motherhood, some of us dream of a loving and stable partnership that will last until the end of our lives. Children are the icing.

    1. 7.1
      Locutus

      But Julia, it seems she has made a regretful choice.  I am just going by the tone of her post.  Sounds to me like she is heartbroken that she has to give up this lifelong dream of having children.  I disagree with you.  If children are that important to a person then they are more important than any relationship.  My suggestion to this OP is to not give up her dream of having children.  

    2. 7.2
      Selena

      Julia #7: “She made a choice, love and partnership is more important than a child. “
       
      That was my take also.
       
      @Locutus:  Nowhere in her letters to Evan does she express considering single motherhood as an option.  Doesn’t it seem likely to you that she is aware of it as an option? Just one she doesn’t want to take apparently.
       
      And as for her tone–” Then I need to close that chest – while I release the dream.
      And know that a beautiful one is coming instead. One that I couldn’t have imagined when I was 8, 16 or 23 years old. But if I keep looking through the hope chest and being sad, I won’t see this new dream. This one that will fulfill me on so many levels. The one that may end up being better than the one that I thought I wanted.
      And it’s going to be fucking awesome. I need to get ready for it. Be open to it…and most importantly, that my path may not be the same as others and that’s okay.”
       
      Sounds very positive, rather than regretful to me.

      1. 7.2.1
        Locutus

        Selena,
        I don’t know.  She mentions in 3 other areas about how bad it is giving up her life long dream of having children.  In one of them she says “To let go of the dream while everyone around you is partaking in that dream is the worst part. ” To me her words that you quoted just sound bittersweet, as if she is trying to convince herself that she will be fine with not having children.  They don’t sound positive to me at all.  I think having children (if you greatly desire them) is an enormously important part of life and nobody should be denied that.  If you have to have them a non-traditional way who the hell cares.  You shouldn’t give up dreams that are that important in life and I wouldn’t want to see the OP regretting this later on.  

        1. Selena

          I agree with you to an extent Locutus–if someone genuinely feels they would always regret not having children–I would also suggest going the single mom route. Having been a single mom many of the years my son was growing up, I didn’t find it nearly as difficult as some of the comments I read on the internet suggest. Maybe I was just lucky. Or lucky to have such a good support system in friends and family. Or maybe it was simply because I enjoyed being a mother. I don’t know. I do know that it is a choice not every woman wants to make however.
           
          Suzy seems to have done a lot of soul searching to come to the conclusion she did Locutus.  The 40′s is the decade many folks do the same. Some might opt for single parenthood. Some might opt for a less-than-ideal partnership in order to have a family. Some might end up adopting, or fostering, or step-parenting. And some make their peace with the idea that it is unlikely they will ever have children and become okay with it. 
           
          It appears Suzy has chosen the last one.  If I hadn’t had my son I could have made the same choice – I’ll never know.  In any event, I just don’t see the point in critiqueing Suzy’s choice, much less trying to convince her to make a different one.

  8. 8
    Jeanne

    For an interesting perspective, I have a guy friend (who is divorced, late-ish 30′s) and expressed a similar sentiment that he doesn’t want to regret not having more children (has one). He also said he doesn’t want to be “too old” if he has another child.  There are men out there who also ponder the same thing though I am not sure how many men share these thoughts.
     
     
    I have a girlfriend who decided at the age of 41 to go though invitro several times with her boyfriend and sadly, it was not successful. This was really painful and sad (physically and emotionally) I am not sure why she waited so long to have children. From what she said, she thought is was not going to be challenging to get pregnant and I do not criticize her as I totally adore her. But my heart does ache. 
     
    Back to the chatter at hand: we can agree to disagree or disagree to agree. I believe this letter was shared to maybe help someone who is in a similar situation.  Look in your heart and think about the choices you want to make going forward.  You have to live with yourself and your choices.  Suzy has met a great guy (based on he above comments) and is happy. Isn’t this the goal? To find a wonderful partner, be in love and be happy?

    1. 8.1
      Locutus

      Jeanne,
      I also know a guy who was 45 and decided he wanted to have a kid- he was looking for a woman to have one with.  I lost touch with him a long time ago, (he was a colleague from a job a long time ago), but I do know he has a few kids today.  Not sure how it happened, though.  This is why I say, if you want  kids that badly, can afford them, and adoption is not an option for you then just do it. 

      1. 8.1.1
        Jeanne

        Locutus,
        This is true. I think at some point you chose which is more important. If you want children, time is important (biologically, thought it sounds icy) because women do have that proverbial window (again, an Artic-ly chilly statement though it is not meant to be).  In my heart, I hope (can I post this without sounding like a total sap?) that Suzy can have it all with the new guy. There. Said it. Not hiding my bohemian, artsy, soul mate, yadda yadda hopeless romantic wishes :-) Yes I am an optimist and a realist. Hope with a pint of clarity in reality :-)

        1. SparklingEmerald

          I think it is ill advised to tell a woman to become a single mother.  Raising a child is hard enough with 2 parents, raising a child alone is even more difficult.  And study after study shows that children do better in two parent homes.  I know, an inconvenient truth that nobody wants to acknowledge, because it is seen as an attack on single parents. 
          Single parenting is difficult from a practical, financial and emotional standpoint. 
          In my opinion, it is better to have a  no children marriage, then to have no marriage children.

        2. Julia

          I agree completely with Sparkling Emerald. I would never advise single parenthood out of choice or even if its been thrust upon you.

  9. 9
    Simona

    Dear Suzy,
    I am so with you! I am almost 45, never married, single, and I know that I will have my dream man and the kids. My fertility is 100% , which it was neither when I was in my 20′s nor in my 30′s. Like you, I had relationships in my 20′s, learnt a lot about men and love, worked in my 30′s and decided to dedicate my leisure time to my own internal and spiritual transformation so as be able to attract a high quality relationship, a match made in heaven. The men I date today are so differnt from what I used to have in my life before. It is incredible and the inner work and suspesnion of relationships in my 30′s were so worth it. So many people who married in their 30′s are now divorced and have difficult baggage. This is not your case Suzy and you can be happy about that!
     
    Suzy, your are not alone and it is never too late. Being over 40 and wanting kids is absolutely what is in the air right now. All of my friends and colleagues got their first kids in their 40′s, one friend even got twins at 47. She is youthful and a great mother. With all of them it was a natural conception and the kids arrived without problems.There is a whole generation of 40+ women like you and those, whom I know, are sure to have the kids they are meant to have. I know so many, thousands of women all over the world, who start getting married and having their family in their 40′s.
     
    One thing: it is a spiritual law that marriages and relationships are destined and do not happen randomly by chance. It is also destined whether we have kids or not, and when we have a pre-birth contract with a soul, then this soul will incarnate. And the age of the mother is irrelevant.
    If you are meant to have children, then you willl have them, regardless of your age.
     
    My grandmother was born in 1900, and at that time girls had their children at 18. Every pregnant woman over 25 years was very, very old. My grandmother married at 27, got her first child at age 33 and her sixth child at 38. All of her kids – my father, my uncles and aunts – were healthy, intelligent children. When she got her last child, at age 38, her girlfriends were already grandmothers. Today having a child at 38 is normal. My own mother was pregnant with me at age 30, which at her time, was a scarry event and she was also qualified as way too old. Today it is also very normal.
     
    Today we are also asked to move beyond the conventional timelines of our society. Having kids up until late in the 40′s should be absolutely normal.
     
    Evan is right with one thing: put all of your focus first on step one: finding the man, and then move to the second step: having kids, it will come naturally. If you put step two first, it will create a blocage for step one to occur.
     
    Wishing you the greatest of lives, Suzy, you deserve it!! And you are not alone!!!

    1. 9.1
      SparklingEmerald

      “One thing: it is a spiritual law that marriages and relationships are destined and do not happen randomly by chance.”
      I used to hold such airy-fairy metaphysical beliefs, but now I am a much bigger believer in free will.  We CHOOSE who we will become involved with and to what extent.  I do believe that attraction is not a choice, but we can choose to walk away from a person we are attracted to if they mistreat us, or if there is just a major incompatibility issue.  Sadly, some people try to force a relationship where there is an insufficient level of attraction, what is commonly called settling.  (No, I’m not talking about a moderate amount of attraction that grows over time, I’m talking about people who try and force a relationship where there is really insufficient  attraction for a love relationship)
      If there is some divine plan, why do so many marriages end in divorce ?  If children are all here due to some “pre-birth” contract, why do so many children on the astral plane, (or whatever you call the pre-birth spiritual plane) choose to come to crack addicted mothers, unwed mothers living in poverty, or into a home where they will horribly abused ?  Karma ?  Are there really that many spirit beings that have so much karma to work out that they have to be born into such dismal circumstances.  Do men and women have so much karma that it is pre-ordained on some metaphysical level, that over half of our attempts at romantic pairings end in divorce or some other type of break up ?
      Also, my other comment about it being ill advised to tell women to have children out of wedlock, was meant to be a general comment to this blog, and not a reply to Jeanne at 8.1.1.
       

  10. 10
    Locutus

    OP,
    Please don’t listen to Simona #9.  I don’t know what spell she is under to put forth such rubbish information.  She is recommend that women have children late into their 40′s???  Simona, go speak to the top doctors in your city and tell me if they concur with your beliefs on this.  I just can’t sit idly by and watch someone give out such totally false advice.  Such lines as “Today we are also asked to move beyond the conventional timelines of our society. Having kids up until late in the 40′s should be absolutely normal.” are so preposterous that she should be charged with handing out disinformation whether by intention or not.  
    OP if you wish to have the best chances at having a healthy child, do it soon.  Absolutely DO NOT push it to your late 40′s as this whacko advice suggests!!

    1. 10.1
      AllHeart

      Well, truth be told, an actual medical doctor would advice both women AND men to have children sooner than later from a purely biological standpoint. However, we all know that many men and women wait and go on to have healthy kids. Ultimately, why do you care so much if she wants to wait? Do you care so much about this person? Her children? Or simply your own agenda? 

  11. 11
    Jeanne

    Hi - I wanted to respond to the threads above. I am a divorced single mom with two young kids. I would NEVER, EVER suggest to anyone to be a SINGLE PARENT. I have close friends who are single parents. Being a parent no matter what the circumstances has it’s challenges. My comment above was an opinion, not advice. 
    My true heart’s desire is to meet a wonderful man who I can share my life with. I think mostly everyone who blogs here wants that same (unless they are seeking a wonderful woman). 
     
    Sparkling-I did not take your comments personally. I also agree that some people try to force something that is just not there, even if it seems perfect on paper. Regardless of what may seem perfect, if your heart is not there, it just isn’t the right choice. You really brought up some interesting prints about karma, and “pre-birth” contracts. I read a lot about soul mates and the one thing I have concluded is that you could potentially wait forever for something that is not meant to happen wasting the life you are supposed to live now. We need to live in the present not the future.

  12. 12
    Henriette

    I don’t want to take the thread too far off base but @Simona, I’d be wary of telling women that they can definitely have biological children well into their 40s.  I have too many friends who are heart-broken bc they assumed they’d be able to have kids at 40, 44, 46 and discover that it’s too late for them.  Sure, there are women who have healthy babies in their 40s (my mother and g’ma, among them) and their numbers are increasing, but it’s dangerous to count on this as a “given.” 
     
    Now, if a woman is open to adopting, being a foster parent, being active with kids through Big Sisters or her Church or Mosque, etc., there’s no reason she can’t have a wonderful child-filled life.  Just please stop telling women that it’ll definitely be possible to have biological children well into their 40s since any Dr. worth her salt will say it’s far more nuanced than that.
     
     
     
     

  13. 13
    Elizabeth Cole

    She’s so open and accepting of what is. Her attitude wonderful. What an inspirational email that put’s things in perspective for other women. Thank you for sharing. I’m 37 and have come to grips with my past tendencies of always having one foot in and one foot out in my relationships. Funny thing is, when we get older we begin to want to put both feet in. Perhaps we see what we’ve been missing and have finally confronted our fears of intimacy. Can relate to her……Thanks again. 

  14. 14
    Raquel

    As I caught glimpse of the title words “The most moving email…”, I thought it was just another emotional email from just another woman who got love problems [like me]. I clicked anyways, I thought it was catchy enough. 
    I knew there would be a tearful moment or two in the letter, but I never expected to be shattered to tears by it. I was crying heavily and shaking even before I finished reading. I was struck right in the core of my being! Suzy spelled out my exact feelings towards the dreams [and the persons] I have let go in life. I sail the same “sea” with her, but in a different “ship”.
    It’s good to hear about the last email she sent to Evan. I am genuinely happy for her. 

  15. 15
    sallysue

    What Suzy talks about is actually the subject of a new book, Otherhood, by Melanie Notkin. I read it in 2 days and it describes my life almost to a T even though I’m younger than the author. It talks about how today almost half of women of childbearing age do not have children and only about 6% of women are childfree by choice. It’s about how a lot of women think marriage and children will just happen and when it doesn’t, we need to realize that we can still have full and meaningful lives. 

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