My Boyfriend of 7 Years Doesn’t Want to Move In or Get Married. What Should I Do?

My Boyfriend of 7 Years Doesn’t Want to Move In or Get Married. What Should I Do?

I am 40 and my boyfriend is 36. I have been previously married and have three kids 17, 15, and 10. He has none. We have been together for 7 years now. I have wanted to move in and get married since year two. He always says he “isn’t ready.”  

A year ago he started living with me, kind of. He keeps all of his clothes at my house sleeps there every night and spends his down time there even when I am not home. I recently said I want him to fully move in because I think it would be financially better. He still keeps his apartment with his things in it. He calls it his “studio” (he is an artist) and he, after a huge disagreement, finally agreed it was the right thing to do.  

Well, the day before the big move he backed out. He said he wasn’t ready and that he didn’t want to promise me anything in the future for fear of hurting me. He wants to keep it the way it is. I am so confused. We are really happy as long as we don’t talk about this kind of commitment. I believe he is in love with me but what do I do? Wait? I am confused what is going to change in his mind. He keeps saying he will lose himself and everything he loves to do if he moves in and gets married. He just sounds like a child to me. I appreciate your advice. Thank you. 

Sincerely,

Cahnie

This is going to be really hard for you to accept, Cahnie, but there’s no other way to say it:

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you.

He’s never going to want to marry you.

If he actually DID marry you, it would be largely against his will and he’d end up resenting you for it.

And if you twisted his arm to get married and he resented you for it, it would probably not be a very happy marriage.

If he actually DID marry you, it would be largely against his will and he’d end up resenting you for it.

I know you just wrote me a three-paragraph email and I’m telling you to completely erase the past seven years, but, well, what were you expecting?

In fact, I’m going to guess that what I’ve just written only goes to confirm what you already know deep in your heart.

“I have wanted to move in and get married since year two.” 

“He always says he isn’t ready.”

“The day before the big move, he backed out.” 

“He didn’t want to promise me anything in the future for fear of hurting me.” 

“He keeps saying he will lose himself and everything he loves to do if he moves in and gets married.”

Honestly, sweetheart, the writing is on the wall in ten-foot fluorescent orange letters. GET OUT!

The fact is that he doesn’t want to move in with you or marry you – if he did, he’d have done it years ago. He has a relationship completely on his terms, and you didn’t have the guts to walk away in Year 3.

Now’s your chance.

Honestly, sweetheart, the writing is on the wall in ten-foot fluorescent orange letters. GET OUT!

Unless you want to write me this same exact email in one year, which is exactly what I predict if you don’t break up with him NOW.

P.S. If you NEVER want to get married and are content with this arrangement, you can keep seeing him, but you know what? He’s STILL going to break up with you eventually, so you might as well begin the healing process now.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    marymary

    Josh
    Friend of mine cared for his wife for fifteen years when she got sick until she died. I suppose that was a bad ROI. 

  2. 122
    Kiki

    @The Thinker and Karmic,
    I agree with you on the loss of importance of sex but I am afraid the wifely benefits are not a huge negotiating tool.
    As it is often said here, men like low investment/low return relationships. Women want to get committment, and taking the step to live together with someone certainly signifies much greater level of committment than living apart.  So, what you are saying is, to get the level of committment you want, you need to become a very desirable partner, and have him beg you to move in with him, but keep saying no until you have a ring?
    Even if you replace “I do not sleep with a man unless he is my boyfriend” with “I don’t live with a man unless he is my fiance”, you are still negotiating to get something you want by pretending you do not want it too much.  Same principle, and while it saves you the pain from being taken advantage of, I am not sure it produces the results you desire. 
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

  3. 123
    josavant

    117 Karmic equation, I get what you’re saying but it only seems to be relevant if you assume that the woman wants marriage. You say feminism has hurt women, but the two examples you give are assuming that she wants to get married. Feminism has helped me because I see that I DON’T need to get married. Feminism has helped me get a job and a salary equal to a man doing the same work, to own property, and to get everything I need. The only reason to get married is if I wanted kids and wanted to raise them in the context of a married household, but I don’t want kids (and even if I did want them, I wouldn’t think it was fair to hook a guy just for that reason). Otherwise it’s more fun being alone and seeing others on my own terms.
     
    After all, you’re not married are you? If you prefer to be unmarried, it is probably for the same reasons a lot of us like it that way. It doesn’t mean we can’t get into LTRS. Just that we don’t need to make it legal, and it’s better to leave the government out of it anyway.
     

  4. 124
    marymary

    I don’t think men do like low investment/low return relationships. I think people who’ve been hurt and are very afraid of being hurt again seek those things. But low investment/low return may sound more manly.
    I can’t understand how to be a desirable partner without having sex, without getting emotionally close and without taking any risks. Who is the subset of the population who does that? Am I doing it wrong. While I am abstaining from sex before marriage my boyfriend and I are very very close, it’s kinda scary. Avoiding sex is not going to stop me from getting hurt if this goes south. In fact, I might be mad that we didn’t even get to do it!
    When people talk about being taken advantage of, it’s not the sex or the money that’s the real stinker.  It’s the time. You can’t get that back and life is so short.

  5. 125
    Goldie

    Josh, I am sorry for your loss. My Dad passed away this spring; he and Mom had been married for 49 years, and had a very good marriage till the last day. It is very hard on her now. He got cancer five years ago, and the treatment did not work. So I can very much relate to what you are saying.
     
    With that said. There is no contradiction in my post at all. What is a sin to you, may not be to someone else. So, just because other people believe cohabitation to be evil, does not make it so for everyone. They are free to have whatever beliefs they choose, and live them out as they choose, but those are their personal beliefs that do not, and should not, apply to everyone.
     
    Also, I don’t see people divorcing their sick spouses left and right. Divorce is an expensive and cumbersome process, that people don’t usually jump into because the other spouse got sick. They do however start this process to get out of an abusive marriage, marriage to an addict, marriage that only exists on paper where spouses live as roommates and never talk to each other, etc. And they normally do it after they’ve tried all other options and none of them worked. The end goal of it being, not to dump the other person like a bag of trash on the curb, but to get both people involved to the point in their lives where they can move on and find someone that would really be a good match for them, that they can be happy and grow old with.
     
    @ Julia #119, not your generation, but I agree with what you’re saying here. The 80-20 rule probably applies, i.e. 20% of men get 80% of the action. And most of these 20% aren’t even good partner material. The negative consequences of feminism are greatly overrated. Either way, I wouldn’t want a man to want me, not because he thinks I’m a great person and wants to share his life with me, but because I’m a virgin and he’ll be the first to plant his flag in this uncharted territory. I’m not cool with being objectified. I’m a person, an intelligent individual and a damn good partner, not just a female body part with some other irrelevant body parts attached to it like a package deal. 
     
    @Karmic, your #117 would be spot on, if “female body part” was all there was to a woman. Then yea, a 40yo would not stand a chance against a 20yo. However I’m not interested in men who are not interested in a woman outside of her female body part. Is anyone?

  6. 126
    Rose

    Exactly, women are not there sexual organs. That is part of a woman. Any man or woman who views women and objectifies women as their sex organs and does not see them as a whole person is not able capable of having and being in a healthy functional realtionship. They see women as accesories, or belongings like a car or house, favourite pair of shoes.
    So it’s about not giving that part of you up until a man has proved consistenly with his actions that he is interested in you as the whole woman you are, rather than just your age and your sexual organs to use as a disposible commodity.So if a 40 yr old man chooses a 20 yr old woman who he is choosing because she is available and willing to have her body used without commmittiment over a 40 yr old who woman who is not avaialable of offering her body without being in a healthy comitted functional relationship, let them do and choose what they want. No healthy woman would want a man who chose that over her and what she was offering, the whole person and package in return for the whole person and package. I say no to dysfunctional dissconnected relationshps with dysfunctional discconected people. Leave them to each other. They are a match.
    Mentally healthy women don’t want their bodies objectified and treated as if they are separate from their brains and hearts and to be used as disposible commodities. They want to be in fully connected fuctional loving relationships.
     

  7. 127
    Karmic Equation

    @Chance 118

    So it never crossed your mind that your gf would like you to marry her? Who suggested moving in together?

    @Julia 119

    I actually agree with you, or rather you and Goldie, that it’s probably like 20/80. 20%  of men are getting all the action they can handle; and 80% struggle, but probably can get some if they drop their standards, which we know men do. That pesky beer goggle effect.

    However, if you read about what women angst about on this board, one of the major sticking points to dating a man (and/or having sex with a man) is that “he can’t be dating someone else” or “he can’t be sleeping with someone else” or “he has to agree to sexclusivity first.”

    So, either most women here are dating the 20% and need that sexclusivity promise to “feel safe” (makes sense – but should they be dating that 20% guy who has so many other options than she??) — or are these women dating the 80% guy and asking for sexclusivity from a not guy getting any? She’s asking for something she already has, de facto, so Why ask (for sexclusivity) at all?

    I know you and I don’t. But I’m asking the other women who do ask for sexclusivity. Which man are they dating? The 20% guy or the 80% guy? — If she doesn’t know, then maybe she needs to figure that out before having sex with him, regardless of whether he agrees to sexclusivity or not, because as Goldie # 125 states, that 20% usually aren’t relatioship material anyway. In other words, imo, if a woman has to ask for sexclusivity, then she hasn’t properly qualified the man for her relationship needs (because she doesn’t know for sure he’s the 80% guy)–or she thinks she’s dating the 20% guy, who isn’t relationship material in the first place.

    @Goldie 125

    Of course we are more than our “female body part”, it’s her LOVE and her personhood. But the women here guard themseleves from having sex as if it were the MOST important thing for her to give in a relationship. You read from this board of women who fall in love with their bfs without certain reciprocity. You don’t hear of women lamenting having given their love to the wrong guy, they’re upset they gave their body.

    So you tell me, am I, the woman who withholds giving her love until the man is proven worthy, or is it the woman who withholds giving her female body part until the man proves himself kinda/sorta worthy, who is giving higher value to her female body part?

  8. 128
    Julia

    @Karmic Equation
     
    I actually did my own version of Evan’s speech the other night. Not the exclusivity part but explaining why I needed to wait. I was on a very good first date, we talked easily, joked, held hand and made out quite a bit. He was trying to get me to go with him and I said “I am lots and lots of fun, like the best time of your life but I need some emotional build up before I get there.” He put a big smile on his face and said “That’s the most perfect thing you could’ve possibly said.” I didn’t negotiate a commitment, I just let him know I need more to get to that point but I am worth the wait. Let’s see if he asks me out again (fingers crossed really but I have 3-4 men lined up besides him)

  9. 129
    Goldie

    @ Karmic 127. Oh, I see what you mean. Agree with what you’re saying. I, too, don’t get what is so terrible about giving your body. You and your body supposedly had a good time, unless the sex was bad. Giving my heart, and my time, is what I would have issues with, just like you. And even then, it can be a learning experience.

  10. 130
    Fusee

    Re: 20/80: Sure, the guys with the most stereotypically attractive features + the drive to play the field will get the most actions from all women minus the very least attractive ones that he will not bother settling for even in down times. But it does not mean that the rest does not get any sex at all. Of all those other men, some have plenty attractive features but do not have the drive to maximize their dating, and some less attractive do have some drive and succeed at “game”. Those men will still get sex. How does a woman know whether they are dating multiple women at once or not? And even if she knows, an agreement to start a relationship will still have to be made.
     
    Re: wifely duties: I think it’s an expression that women use to express their frustration at a situation that feels “they are giving it all” while not receiving the marriage proposal they are hoping for. Of course, men fulfill husbandly responsabilities when cohabiting as well, but the expression does not have the same connotation. The problem is that in general, women tend to do high-risk investments in their dating/relationship without even realizing it, whereas men are more pay-as-you go types. Women have sex while hoping for exclusivity, whereas men simply enjoy the sex they have in the moment. Women enter a cohabitation while hoping for marriage, whereas men cohabite to share housing costs, enjoy more companionship, and see where it goes. Basically, on their path to secure long-term love and support, women tend to give more than they are actually comfortable giving, while attaching unspoken/unconscious strings to their actions.
     
    The solution is to become aware of our needs and communicate them adequately before moving to the next stage. It’s also turning the high-risk investment of “hope” into the lower-risk one of “facts”, by discussing what each stage truly means and making sure that both parties are getting their needs met. It’s more safe than giving something by simply hoping to receive compensation later on.
     
    In the past, the turning point was sex. If people wanted sex, they had to get married. Still the case in conservative societies by the way. Nowadays there pretty much is no turning point, which is dangerous for the stability of marriages. But it’s up to people still desiring marriage to make cohabitation as their turning point in the path to a life commitment. But a turning point needs COMMUNICATION.

  11. 131
    Marie

    Karmic interesting post – so you are saying why ask for exclusivity because it’s just female body parts so kind of pointless, focus on winning him over with personality instead?  I guess that could work if you can divorce your mind/heart from sex.  For me I can’t have sex until I care deeply about a guy and I can’t care deeply about a guy until we have established a safe zone for me to let down my guard.  That means our relationship has naturally progressed to bf:gf and exclusivity goes along with that for me.  I’m always intrigued by women like you who can have NSA without getting hurt.  The world must be very different.  I’m happy where I am though.  I got my guy the way I felt was most authentic for me – or should I say I let him catch me, haha.

  12. 132
    Karmic Equation

    @Julia 128

    Well said. I could see myself saying something like that as you’re not asking for anything but time to develop feelings.

    @Goldie 129

    That is exactly what I mean!!

    @Marie 131

    “That means our relationship has naturally progressed to bf:gf and exclusivity goes along with that for me.”

    Who brought up the bf/gf thing? If he brought it up, that’s what I’m talking about :) Your personality made him want to commit to you, and progression of your relationship was HIS idea. That is the key. If you manage the relationship so that the guy thinks it’s all his idea, you end up with better results. Sounds like that’s what you did. Congrats :)

    As to the NSA sex without getting hurt, it’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I can. It’s a curse because the reason I can is that I’m non-orgasmic during intercourse, so I don’t get slammed as much by oxytocin as other women. God has a sense of humor :D

  13. 133
    Mimi

    @Marie
    A variation in the oxytocin receptor gene is linked to how strongly women bond to a partner through sex. Most women are unable to have NSA sex without getting hurt; it is beyond their control. Some women have the so-called A-allele of the oxytocin receptor gene, which prevents them from getting attached emotionally to men after sex. They are the lucky ones who are able to enjoy NSA sex.

  14. 134
    Chance

    @Fusee
    Excellent analysis.  I think you hit the nail on the head pretty much from top to bottom.
     
     
    @Karmic
     
    It did not cross my mind at all.  The reason being is that, in any relationship that I’ve been in, I have made it abundantly clear from the start that I do not want to get married at any point in my life.  I figure that it’s fair to communicate that very early on.  There have been women who have broken up with me on the spot because of it, and that’s fair.  There is no sense in wasting each others’ time if we don’t have the same end-goal.  I honestly don’t believe hat many men realize that the woman is “auditioning” for marriage when they begin living together.  I think men generally start living with women for the reasons that Fusee described so well.
     
    I think one of the worst things a woman can do to both herself and her guy is to hope that one day he will come around and want to get married – when he has shown all the signs that he has no such intentions or even flat-out said that he doesn’t intend to get married.  She will end up making herself miserable, obviously, and the man will have no idea why she is so angry and frustrated with him.

  15. 135
    Josh

    marymary @121 “Friend of mine cared for his wife for fifteen years when she got sick until she died. I suppose that was a bad ROI.”
    I would say it was a good RoI myself. it’s what being married really means. Each is the one person indispensable and irreplaceable to the other.

  16. 136
    marymary

    KE
    I’ve not found sex to be the mythical bonding experience either.  However, I’ve had several men describe me as “addictive”, and I’m thinking “huh?”, of what is it you speak? 
     

  17. 137
    Kiki

    @Karmic Equation 132,
    I am of the opinion that all women can have NSA sex, and this oxitocyn thing is yet another attempt to find a medical reasoning for a pure social construct.
    Society has us to believe that women are naturally monogamous while men are not. I think that neigher men nor women are monogamous by nature, and that sticking to one partner requires a conscientious choice and deliberate effort from both men and women.
    On not being able to orgasm through intercourse alone: I know women who were exactly like that until they found  the man with whom they can. Besides God having a sense of humor, Nature has a way of giving you hints :-)
     

  18. 138
    Julia

    @Kiki
     
    I am of the opinion that all women can have NSA sex, and this oxitocyn thing is yet another attempt to find a medical reasoning for a pure social construct.
     
    YES!!!!!!

  19. 139
    josavant

    137 Kiki OMG you are absolutely right. It’s almost like women aren’t allowed to admit that we’re fine with NSA sex, because then we’re seen as being cold or abnormal or something. A lot more of us are fine with it than you would otherwise realize.

  20. 140
    TheThinker

    I am of the opinion that all women can have NSA sex, and this oxytocin thing is yet another attempt to find a medical reasoning for a pure social construct.
     
    Nice try. But not quite close.
    The bonding experiences of romance, sex and breastfeeding are real, as most women would readily confirm. A typical woman can still recall, in vivid detail, the romantic gestures of a long lost boyfriend in high school; she can recall and relive the enjoyments of sexual experiences with ease. And that story about a woman melting when she looks at her adorable (though ugly looking) kid? It’s real too.
    Guess which hormone modulates all these behaviors? Yep, it’s the good old oxytocin. his is no social construct. The differences between men and women are more real than air you breathe.

    As in all things physiological, the more frequent and varied the bonding, the less the strength of attachment. Meaning, the more romantic partners, or more sexual partners or kids a woman has, the less she will be attached to any of them. Same is true of men, though men are generally less attached to anyone anyways, because their brains are less marinated in this bonding hormone.

  21. 141
    Selena

    Spot on Kiki.
     
    I also don’t think oxytocin or sex, bonds women to men. It’s an excuse after-the-fact; the woman wanted to bond with that man (or any) therefore she convinces herself she has once she’s shared her body.
     
    It’s amazing how quickly a woman can un-bond from a guy when she figures out she doesn’t like him all that much. Despite having had sex with him.
     
     

  22. 142
    Julia

    @TheThinker
     
    The only two men I ever loved, I loved before I had sex with. I never felt a surge of love after intercourse. We are much more complex beings than those of you who believe in evolutionary biology can imagine.

  23. 143
    Kiki

    @TheThinker.
    I think my theory gives a better explanation of the world than yours.
    The bonding experiences are real and work pretty much the same way for men as for women, except for breastfeeding obviously. NSA without being hurt is possible if you have no moral objection to it, and the oxytocin has nothing to do with it.

  24. 144
    Kiki

    @The Thinker
    The more kids a woman has the less she will be attached to any of them??? Give me a break.

  25. 145
    josavant

    140 TheThinker
    A typical man can also recall in vivid detail romantic gestures of a long lost girlfriend in high school (betcha you can, if you’re a guy). A man can remember sexual experiences with ease, you should take a look at some of the sites online. Dads go bonkers over their kids too, and sometimes bore others to tears with their sentimental stories of their kids. 
     
    Guess what, it turns out both men and women produce oxytocin. Anyway, the ability to produce oxytocin doesn’t mean that either side cannot enjoy NSA sex. We women don’t get attached to everyone. Maybe some people would like to think we do, but we don’t. 

  26. 146
    Tom10

    Kiki, Julia, Karmic, josavant.
     
    “I am of the opinon that all women can have NSA sex”
     
    I’ve known this to be partly true for many years. My guess is about 20% of women can have NSA sex and move on without any effects at all. I reckon another 20% can have NSA sex without any psychological effects, but don’t do it for practical reasons (health, safety, stigma etc.)
     
    This is actually great news for men though; as it means we can hump and dump to our heart’s content now! Because oxytocin is only a social construct right?
     
    Well not quite; there is still a large amount of women who get upset when men move on after sex, and it’s their angst that we read about in these comments.

  27. 147
    Karmic Equation

    @Josavant 123

    I’m divorced and have no intention of ever marrying again.

    Equal Opportunity helped you get the job, own property. That’s enacted law, and yes Feminists drove that. I take full advantage.

    Sexual liberation is a concept, not law. I’ve also taken advantage.

    Feminism did help ME and others like me who have embraced BOTH.

    But for the women who have embraced the former but struggle with implications of the latter, those women Feminism hurt.

    @Chance 134

    Fair enough. You didn’t say you told your gf that you didn’t ever plan on getting married. In that case she’s probably fine with LTR that you’ve implied by moving in with her. However, you might want to reiterate your position about not ever wanting to get married, and that moving in is not a step towards that, in case she’s conveniently forgotten you said so when you first met.

    @Fusee 130

    Awesome post.

    @Kiki

    I agree with you completely and would actually expound further. I think the oxytocin bonding thing is more than just a social construct, it’s social programming of women to benefit “society” (who typicially runs society? Men do, as in politicians and religions).

    The scientific community is comprised of mostly men. Sure there are women in their midsts, but they’re a minority.

    So if men discover oxytocin has “attachment” effects, are they going to promote that women attach to the act of sex? No. Because that would not benefit men, because then a woman would feel free to have sex with ANY man to get a hit of that drug. Much better to promote that that oxytocin bonds to THE MAN. Then she feels she needs A SPECIFIC man to get a hit of that drug, not just any man.

    Then on top of that, because most women like to think she is more evolved than men, she wouldn’t want to hear that oxytocin bonds her to sex, it’s much more palatable for her to accept that oxytocin attaches her to the MAN. In other words, we’d rather believe that we’ve fallen in love with the man than that we’ve fallen in love with the sex. So we propogate the idea of oxytocin bonding to men to our own detriment and men’s benefit.

    Food for thought.

    @marmary

    I wonder if they’ve done studies if women of Asian descent have that anti-oxytocin allele that Mimi talks about. Interesting, no?

    @TheThinker

    I’d have to disagree with you on most of your post.

    “A typical woman can still recall, in vivid detail, the romantic gestures of a long lost boyfriend in high school; she can recall and relive the enjoyments of sexual experiences with ease.”

    I don’t believe the above demonstrates bonding, but rather that women have better memories than men.

    “And that story about a woman melting when she looks at her adorable (though ugly looking) kid?”

    Well, if after spending 40 hours in pain, I felt the result was not worth it, why would I ever contemplate going through it again? In other words, I think the oxytocin effect is to ensure that women continue to have children in the future, even though she goes through hell each time she has them. It’s God’s way to ensure propagation of the species. Like I said, He has a sense of humor.

    “As in all things physiological, the more frequent and varied the bonding, the less the strength of attachment. Meaning, the more romantic partners, or more sexual partners or kids a woman has, the less she will be attached to any of them.”

    I can’t speak for other women, but even though I can have NSA sex, I’m not having it willy nilly. 5 partners in the last 8 years is not a lot. I do feel attachment but I don’t give that any importance during the first 5 days after sex, because that’s how long it takes for oxytocin to evaporate in my system. I give credence to the feelings and thoughts I have on Day 6 and onwards.

    So you’re saying that if a woman has 5 kids, she might love children 1-4 and dislike #5? I’m pretty sure most mom’s on this board would disagree with you.

    “Same is true of men, though men are generally less attached to anyone anyways, because their brains are less marinated in this bonding hormone.”

    I agree with this in principle. But, technically, studies have stated that testosterone counteracts oxytocin, rather than that men’s brains are less marinated.

  28. 148
    Julia

    @Tom10
     
    This is actually great news for men though; as it means we can hump and dump to our heart’s content now! Because oxytocin is only a social construct right?
     
    If you believe that the only reason women might not have sex with you is because she is afraid she is going to bond to you, sure. But in my experience, I don’t have sex with 99.99999999999999999999% of men because I don’t want to have sex with them. That statement totally infantilizes women into creatures who can’t use reason, logic, self-control etc. 

  29. 149
    marymary

    KE, 147
    Between you and me, from one chinese person to another, we’re generally not a very cuddly people are we?  Maybe you have a point.
    Other cultures have massages and oils and saunas. We got acupuncture.

  30. 150
    Goldie

    I’ve had guys bond to me after sex, too. This is one of the reasons why I haven’t had, and don’t have any immediate plans on having, NSA this time around. All of a sudden I’m afraid of hurting the men I might get involved with. But as for me, I have not experienced this automatic bonding right after sex thing. (I am Eastern European, FWIW.) Then again, I love both of my kids the same, so there must be something wrong with me, heh heh.
     
    I actually want to address this. Emphasis mine:
     
    Meaning, the more romantic partners, or more sexual partners or kids a woman has, the less she will be attached to any of them.”
     
    I guess I am just not that woman. I get attached to a man that I click with on a personal level, that consistently shows me that he cares, and treats me well. No matter whether he’s my first, second, or twenty-fifth. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother dating and looking for a partner. Why bother, if I’ll be even less attached to him than I am to my ex-husband, who was my first? Luckily, I am a human, not a computer. I get a say in who I get attached to. It’s not all hormones and biology in the driver’s seat, with the rest of me tagging along for the ride.

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