Should I Stop Dating for 90 Days While the Guy I Like Gets His Head Straight?

Should I Stop Dating for 90 Days While the Guy I Like Gets His Head Straight

I’ve been friends with a guy for 10 years. When he learned I filed for divorce, he called and asked me out. For about a week the relationship was everything I ever wanted. Then, his ex-gf called him. He said he may still have feelings for her and our relationship was suddenly complicated. He stopped calling and texting all of a sudden. He says he doesn’t want her but he’s confused now. He has sought out the help of a mental health professional to get over this ex-gf who was actually a very bad person. A toxic relationship for sure. He has asked me to wait for him and not date anyone for 90 days and no contact with him for 90 days and he will do the same. At the end of the 90 days, if we still wish to see each other, we are to meet at a place that we mutually agreed on. He just thinks it was bad timing. My friends think I am nuts to wait…do you?

Jennifer

I don’t think you’re nuts, Jennifer.

I think you’re human.

I think you felt an intense one-week connection that was “everything you ever wanted.”

I think you are a victim of bad timing.

I don’t think you’re nuts, Jennifer.
I think you’re human.

I think he is in no position to be anybody’s boyfriend right now.

If you doubt that, check out his behavior since your 7 glorious days together:

    1. Says he still may have feelings for his ex (not emotionally available)
    2. Stopped calling and texting without explanation (bad communication skills)
    3. Claims to not want his ex but is admittedly confused (not in touch with emotions)
    4. Seeking help from a mental health professional (unresolved issues)
    5. Asked you to wait 90 days for him as if it’s a guarantee that all will be hunky dory in three months (selfish, unfair, controlling)

So yeah, Jennifer, I think your friends are on the right track, but I’m going to go one step further.

    • Don’t talk to him for 90 days.
    • Date other men consistently – a half hour a day on a dating site, one new date per week.
    • If you haven’t found a boyfriend in 90 days, keep going.
    • When he comes back after 90 days, give yourself 90 more days without him so you can find a new man and he can spend another 3 months getting his head on straight.

Just don’t forget that he’s already shown you a glimpse of who he is at this moment:
Emotionally unavailable, bad communicator, confused, unresolved issues, selfish, unfair and controlling.

And if, after six months, the pull between you is strong enough to try again, feel free to give it a shot.

Just don’t forget that he’s already shown you a glimpse of who he is at this moment:

Emotionally unavailable, bad communicator, confused, unresolved issues, selfish, unfair and controlling.

Whether you choose to focus on those qualities or not, that’s the man you’re pining for.

I feel strongly that you can find a connection with another guy who doesn’t have those issues if you just make an effort to do so.

It’s up to you whether you take my advice.

Please come back and tell us what you chose to do.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Malika

    So you wait 90 days for what, exactly? No guarantee he will be anywhere ready after that time period. Sometimes it takes years to truly get over someone, especially if you need a therapist to talk over unresolved issues. There are even some people who NEVER get over their exes (it’s much easier to stay stuck in past memories than to move forward to an uncertain future).

    It’s hard to walk away from that kind of an emotional connection, and i don’t blame you for doubting whether to concede to his proposal. I don’t think he is a bad person for asking you to wait for 90 days, he probably genuinely thinks that it will make a difference towards his readyness for a relationship with you. It just doesn’t sound like an emotionally healthy situation for you.

    I agree with Evan. Date prolifically for three months and then see what he has to say to you after that. State clearly beforehand to him that that is what you are going to do and see whether that is a dealbreaker for him. Anyone who can’t see that that is a good compromise probably isn’t good relationship material.

  2. 2
    GoWiththeFlow

    Run as fast as you can away from this guy!  He is in no position emotionally to truly connect and attach to someone else.  Go over Evan’s list of why this is so then add a 6th reason:  He just filed for a divorce!  So he has an ex-girlfriend he is hung up on AND a wife he is still legally tied too.  To say he needs to get his head on straight is an understatement!

    1. 2.1
      Kelly

      SHE filed for divorce, not him.

    2. 2.2
      Henriette

      Agree that Jennifer should run away from this guy.  However, she was the one who just filed for divorce, not him…

      1. 2.2.1
        GoWiththeFlow

        Obviously I failed my iPhone reading test. . .

        So revision:  #6  YOU just filed for divorce!  So you are not legally free, and how emotionally free are you?  Take some time off and learn how to be alone and how to both choose a better partner and be a better partner in the future.

  3. 3
    Stacy2

    It sounds like the OP’s divorce hasn’t been finalized (if it has been within a week of filing i want to know what states she lives in..) If so, it’s probably a good thing for her to take a hiatus from dating for her own sake, not for the sake of this guy. I think Evan’s advise on this is spot on. And I am willing to bet that this guy’s unresolved issues will continue to be unresolved in 90 days.

  4. 4
    Jen

    His life is on hold so yours should be, too? Live your life as if this guy isn’t in it, because technically, he’s not. He’s in your head–not the same thing. He wants to keep his options open while asking you to keep yours closed. Do better for yourself.

  5. 5
    ScottH

    He is incredibly selfish to ask you to put your life on hold for any amount of time.  What happens when 90 days are up and he decides that he’s not interested in you after all?  He might or might not be but to put your life on hold while someone else gets their sh!t together is a bad move.

    On the other hand, you should put yourself on ice for a while until your divorce is final and you’ve had a chance for your head to clear and that will likely take a lot longer than 90 days.  Do what is right for you, not for him.  And for you to be acting this way after ONE WEEK???  A week is nothing, literally nothing.

  6. 6
    Elly Klein

    Evan, I thought you were unusually easy on this guy. Were you having an off day? 😉

    The only way in which it might be reasonable for someone to ask their partner to wait 90 days for them is if they were married with kids and their family was truly on the line. Other than that, he’s just keeping her waiting in the wings like he’s a little kid and she’s a toy he MIGHT feel like playing with later. Totally selfish.

    Ultimately, your advice was spot on – of course she shouldn’t wait and, instead, take 3 – 6 months to date other people and most likely find someone who’s much more capable of giving her a loving relationship. And if she doesn’t and they reach a point of wanting to try again, I wouldn’t proceed without making him aware that his request was way out of line. If he still thought asking her to wait 3 months for him for quite possibly nothing was reasonable, I’d consider that a red flag if I were her.

  7. 7
    Isobel Matheson

    It’s always easy to come up with smart answers to the dilemmas on here when you’re sitting in the warm, with a cup (or glass) of something, and looking in as a bystander. Rarely is the real answer, or dilemma, quite as simple as we see it from our cosy vantage point.

    Apart from this one. I’m not quite as gentle as you, Even, because I think she is nuts. Here’s what alarms me about the tale

    she is only just getting out of a marriage. It really seems like she is not ready to start again, it all feels a bit needy and passive to me, and I think she would benefit from some time by herself, or at least meeting men and not taking them/it/herself too seriously.
    he is waving so many red flags, small wonder she can’t see clearly. As others have said, he is totally controlling, and unreasonable to boot.
    the ex GF is a worrying factor. Does the OP know her personally? I’m always wary if a guy tells me about his ‘crazy’ exes. I mean, some crazy exes do exist but, I like to establish for myself just how that actual crazy really manifest. I have been driven crazy by some men.

    So, I’m sorry to sound a bit harsh but, my take on this is she should run the opposite direction as fast and as soon as possible, and stay away.

  8. 8
    Gl

    I’ve been seeing a guy who got “confused.” I broke it off with him within 24 hours of this so called “confusion.” It took him 3 days to get it together and come back to tell me he wouldn’t let me go and he felt lucky blah blah…we are officially unofficial and making progress towards a relationship. That’s the guy you want to stick with. Not a guy with a 90 day hold on his love account. If he was sure about you he would get over his issues. It sucks, but get through the heartbreak and go onto the next.

  9. 9
    Yohali Brutus

    The moment any party in a relationship is not sure, just leave.

    Run.

    Think of a time when you had a thing for someone, and would do anything for them without a doubt; there were no questions, doubts, etc about your feelings for that person. It should be the same attitude to such dynamics in a relationships. When doubt and even reason creeps in, its just not worth it. For both parties involved.

    The sooner you leave, the quicker you’ll get over it.

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