You Deserve A Partner Who Loves You Unconditionally!

Have you ever felt stronger about someone than he felt about you?

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were always worried about being dumped?

Have you ever longed for someone’s affections, only to be told some version of:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I’m just not feeling it.”
“Let’s just be friends.”
“I think the timing is wrong.”
“We don’t have the right chemistry.”

If you’ve finished elementary school, you probably have!

If you have ever been on the wrong end of an unequal relationship, you know how terrible it feels.

Which means you’ve also spent sleepless nights beating yourself up, wondering what you could have done differently, asking friends how you could have turned things around.

If you have ever been on the wrong end of an unequal relationship, you know how terrible it feels.

Emotions flood over you that you’re embarrassed to admit. Feelings of worthlessness, neediness, confusion.

All because you gave your heart to a guy who didn’t give his back to you.

These are some of the most painful memories from romantic relationships, and, because of them, you may feel that it’s not worth it to date anymore.

Well, if every relationship ends in the same painful fashion, that would make sense.

But there are happy, healthy relationships out there. And the only way for you to find one is to get back out there by breaking your pattern of accepting unacceptable men.

A perfect example is a private dating coaching client of mine named Judy.

Judy is in her early 50’s, divorced, and quite successful.

She confessed that she wasn’t having much success online and told me about how she’s looking for a suitable partner. Someone youthful and passionate; someone who she’d feel excited about seeing every day for the rest of her life.

She signed up to work with me for three months. In that short time, she became an online dating superstar.

Her response rate skyrocketed when she learned to communicate online more effectively.

She graduated my Commitment Course as a stellar and appreciative student, and vowed to keep in touch.

Four months later, I got an email from Judy with an update.

It turned out that Judy was very effective online and had lots of dating choices. But after a few months of dating, she focused her energies on an exciting single dad. Ron may have been divorced with two teenagers, but, at age 52, he was still vibrant and sexy.

Judy hadn’t known this passion for years.

“Best sex of my life,” she told me with a little embarrassment and pride. Hey, who can blame her for developing a close bond with an attractive stallion of a man?

But there was trouble in paradise.

“Best sex of my life,” she told me with a little embarrassment and pride.

Judy’s mom had recently passed away and it threw her into a funk. It doesn’t matter how old you are; a parent is irreplaceable. The loss takes a long time to heal.

And ever since she was in mourning, she felt Ron pulling away. They were, after three months, a couple, yet he wasn’t giving Judy the security of being her official “boyfriend”.

Other emotional needs weren’t been met either.

Judy wanted Ron to drive down and spend the night to comfort her. He finally did it, but only after a considerable amount of negotiation.

Judy wanted to see Ron the following weekend to cheer her up; he couldn’t make time, even though he was able to make time every weekend prior to her mother’s death.

Suddenly, their torrid affair was grinding to a halt. Instead of treating Judy with unconditional love in her weakened condition; Ron treated her like a weak woman.

Needless to say, Judy was walking on eggshells, afraid that Ron would cut her off entirely. She even told me she was more upset about her relationship than she was about her own mother!

Her relationship was wreaking havoc on her life and all she wanted to do was figure out how to get Ron back. That’s why she was calling me for more coaching.

Now it may seem really obvious from the outside what Judy should have done, but when you’re too close to the problem, it’s much harder to take action.

I told Judy that Ron was doing her a huge FAVOR.

“A favor?” she asked. “He’s turning my life upside down. I can’t eat or sleep or think straight until I can get him back.”

Why do you want to get him back? I asked.

“Because I think I love him. I love the way he makes me feel.”

How is he making you feel right now?

“Not very good, obviously. But he’s not doing it on purpose.”

What does it matter? He’s your boyfriend. How do boyfriends generally try to make their girlfriends feel?

“I know, I know. I just don’t understand how he can be this way.”

Who cares?

“What?”

Who cares why he’s this way?

Don’t you think you deserve a partner who treats you the way you deserve to be treated?

Don’t you think you deserve a little warmth and affection?

Don’t you think that the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with will do ANYTHING in his power to take your pain away, rather than make it worse?

“I never thought of it that way”, Judy said.

Why go the rest of your life getting less than you give?

Of course not. You’re crazy about him. And when you’re crazy about someone, it’s easy to willfully blind yourself to his faults.

But when you tally up what you’re giving to the relationship, compared to what you’re getting from the relationship, it’s not even in the same ballpark.

Relationships are about unconditional love, and what he’s showing you is that his affection is ENTIRELY conditional.

Once you weren’t Ms. Sunshine, he had no use for you anymore.

A woman shouldn’t have to beg her boyfriend to see her after she learns her mother has died…

“I know. I just felt like he needed space. I felt like I’d done something wrong…”

It doesn’t take any character to stick with a happy person through good times; it’s when life presents a challenge that you figure out who your friends are.

I appreciate that you’re dazzled by this man, but I need you to recognize that Ron’s not as great as you make him out to be. He’s showing some major character flaws.

“So how do I get him back?”

You don’t get him back, Judy. You thank him for three good months and let him go.

This is why I said he’s doing you a favor.

Some people don’t learn what kind of partner they have until five years into a marriage.

You learned in three months that you’ve got someone who is unfit to give you the unconditional love you deserve.

And so, I encourage you ask yourself how this story applies to you. If you’ve dated at all, you’ve had some version of this experience, with a man pulling away suddenly, and you wondering “Why?”

The fact is: there’s someone in your history whom you thought was perfect, and didn’t give you the love you deserved. Think back to that tortured relationship.

Did you act like Judy?

Did you beg that man back?

Did you agonize about what you could have done differently? Or did you realize that you were being given a gift – an insight – a revelation about the future of your relationship?

A future in which you’re never comfortable, you’re never secure, and you’re never fully happy because it’s impossible to know where you stand.

When you realize that you’re not getting what you’re giving, it’s time to give that relationship a cold, hard evaluation.

Sometimes the people you love the most actually give you the least.

Why go the rest of your life getting less than you give?

You deserve more than that. You deserve it all.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Catherine

    I have been in a relationship for nearly 12 months with a guy who is 4 years younger than me. His 52 Im 56. It has been a great 12 months but of course with every relationship comes challenges. He loves me unconditionally but sometimes doesnt think beyond seeing me of a weekend. We do the part time he comes over Friday, leaves Sat morning as I work, comes back Sat night and spends Sunday with me. He has his own place which he shares with his brother. It would be just nice during the week to phone me and go hey babe would you like to go to dinner or come have dinner with us. This guy wants to spend the rest of his life with me but wont commit to asking me to be his wife or moving in with me. Im a busy lady two jobs, big family, children , grandchildren. Have many to consider and typical mum and grandmother always thinking of everyone else. He has just himself to focus on, no ex, no children, no baggage. It’s dissapointing when you put so much into a relationship because that is all you ever wanted, give up a lot of things for total monagomy but begin to question is this really what I want. It should be easier, more straight forward in our 50’s.

  2. 62
    GK

    @Katz, I like most of your articles, but this is not one of your better written articles and there is room for improvement if you change the wording a little. Because though intent and suggested actions are right, the wording false short of being unconditional from both man and woman. 
    I think,  Marital love is an almost unconditional love that is conditional on only two things. Assuming the sum income of man and woman is sufficient/enough. (if it is not then both must work, if it is then one should not force the other)
    a) both are taking care of each other’s emotional, intimate, affectionate, sexual and romantic needs
    b) there is no mental cruelty or abuse, or deprivation of feelings of security.
    Both man and woman have a responsibility to make it as unconditional to each other as possible.
    From a Grammar/wording point of view, if you say “Sometimes the people you love the most actually give you the least. Why go the rest of your life getting less than you give? You deserve more than that. You deserve it all.”  These choice of words  it amounts to measuring.  It fails a definition of unconditional love from woman to man.
    IMHO,  falling short is not a right phrasal, because I assert it is okay to be in an asymmetric arrangement when both have similar feelings and abilities, but the amount of reciprocity and ability to project or provide is not the same.   To correct this, the right way to put/word it is to say “to not be there for one’s partner at a time of great bereavement for consolation or for solace is a cruelty.”  It fails on a) or b) mentioned above and hence the relationship is a no-go.
    If the partner has a very serious reason for not being there at the moment when most needed, but in ought to make up by being available at the earliest.  Tragedies are not something for which individuals have a prepared response, and sometimes conveying ones feelings explicitly and what you want the partner to do might be necessary to evoke the a response from a partner with low emotional quotient.  Indifference even after communication of distress and having made sure that the partner  is aware is either cruelty or severe emotional mismatch.
     
     

  3. 63
    Jijili

    my boyfriend of two years called it quits last week Saturday. i was soo devastated and couldnt possibly imagine how and why this had happened. i was so broken as to how it was so easy forhim to throw away all those memories and dreams we made together. all i asked him to do was to treat me like he must, to be the man he was when we met. but yesterday i decided that no matter the pain, i knew deep inside i deserve better! so i will fight for my happiness i will let him go and wait paiteintly for God to complete my love story even if it kills me!

  4. 64
    Heartbroken

    I’m still going thru that which Judy went thru. I been dating him for 4years and I let him treat me badly. I eventually walked away but I can’t get over the fact that I made it easy for him. Always accepted him back when he did messed up, cheated on me, his different women rang my phone, I took it all cos I loved him too much to walk away. Because I’ve always to one shd fight to keep what they love. It’s over a month now and he hasn’t even rang me. I really do feel so pained and betrayed. I want to tell him some things, but I don’t want to at the same time. It’s over for me but I just feel he should hear from me. hate the way feel everyday. need help. 

    1. 64.1
      tamara

      @Heartbroken: “It’s over for me but I just feel he should hear from me.” Please, do Not call him. Good for u for leaving the jerk.
       
      I think u should start focusing on urself, improving urself emotionally, taking better care of yourself physically. U’re gonna be so much happier soon and with a much better guy, hopefully. The next time he sees u should not be when u go to his house crying and screaming at him, it should be when he runs into you at a party with u looking gorgeous, stylish, laughing and happy with other pple.

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