Love A Man For Who He Is, Instead of Focusing On What He Is Not
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As you know, before I was a dating coach, I went on a LOT of dates.
And although I always considered myself confident, interesting, and thoughtful, I sometimes did things on dates that would make any woman question that claim.
I have no explanation for my actions. All I want to observe is that, despite my best intentions, I’m apparently a flawed, clueless and stupid man.
After all, I once…
Showed up on a date drunk after a day of mojitos on the beach.
Started crying when talking about my deceased father.
Forgot my wallet at home after having a $90 Asian fusion meal.
Followed up a date with phone call after phone call to a busy lawyer, to the point that I probably sounded like a stalker.
Got so wasted that I threw an ice cube into my date’s cleavage.
So how can you know when it’s more appropriate to forgive your guy…or when it’s best to give him the heave-ho?
Oh, I’m sure there are more, but that’s just a brief snippet of what your big-hearted, articulate, self-aware, sensitive dating coach occasionally pulled on his 300 date journey to marital bliss.
And if a guy like me has been known to throw all good sense to the wind, I’m sure there are a ton of decent men who have done the exact same thing…and worse.
This blog is to a) apologize to you on behalf of all mankind, and to b) ask for your forgiveness should we make similar mistakes in the future.
Seriously. There could be a pretty amazing guy lurking inside the crying drunk man in front of you. Here’s a perfect example:
Last week, I was working with Lori, a very cool 45-year-old never-married woman who has continued her coaching beyond the end of my 8 week Passion Course.
I’m a big Lori fan, but I’m also a tough enough dating coach to know that part of the reason that she’s never settled down is because she always finds something wrong with the men she’s dating.
I’m sympathetic.
As evidenced above, men – good, smart, successful, relationship-oriented men – do stupid things all the time. So how can you know when it’s more appropriate to forgive your guy…or when it’s best to give him the heave-ho?
Well, I think it’s important to consider the context of the date.
Consider, for example, my client, Amy, a marketing executive who always speaks her mind. So when she got comfortable talking to Scott about her four-year-ex-boyfriend who broke her heart, it didn’t even occur to her that she was rambling for about 30 minutes uninterrupted.
Or take Tina, who had an awesome 4-hour first date with Don, which ended up with a fifteen-minute makeout session. Needless to say, Tina was excited. Which is why she asked Don before he left the car, “So, when are you calling me again?”
Tina’s not wrong for wanting to see Don again. But in Don’s mind, a woman who asks him out at the end of Date 1 appears weak and needy. That’s not an attractive quality to most men and it’s often going to affect his opinion of you.
Finally, there’s Melissa, a 37-year-old with a strong, vivacious personality. So she didn’t think much of it, when, after 3 drinks, she told her date that she liked it “rough” in bed. Check, please.
The point is that sometimes we let down our guard and say or do something that is simply embarrassing.
It doesn’t necessarily sum up who we are, but in a 90-minute date, such a misstep can singlehandedly determine your future – or lack thereof.
So while I’m not suggesting that I’d expect you to forgive me for the ol’ ice cube in the cleavage trick (although, surprisingly, my date DID), I am stating that it’s extremely easy to find something in each guy that rubs you the wrong way.
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34 Comments »Filed Under Dating
my honest answer 1
The same is true of friendships – you can always find something to complain about and dislike if you try.
I kind of think this is the difference between bad relationships and good ones though. My husbands annoying habits (like leaving dirty socks everywhere) come to be cute when viewed as one part of an otherwise great man. If there was lots else wrong with him, I’m sure I’d focus on them a lot more.
Tina 2
I was at a Japanese restaurant and the cook flipped an empty egg shell into my friends cleavage, of course she had a bust implant he couldn’t miss!! I have found on dates the men talk too much about their past marriage and what went wrong. This goes on and on and I even have said “lets not talk about her”. They don’t seem to be interested in me but are interested in complaining about what went wrong with their X. I feel like they should pay me for listening to them and that I am on a date with their past relationship, not them. It is hard to know what and what not to say on a date. I find dates with a small amount of alcohol are much better because then it is less like a job interview.
Spiral 3
Love this article!
I am oftentimes scolded by my girlfriends for being “too nice to losers” but I like to find the good in all people and prefer to laugh instead of frown. I have many times glossed over some man’s mis-step on a date and just chalked it up to his nervousness at being near such a goddess as myself!
However, I try not to ignore the serious red flags as Evan has pointed out many times. There should always be respectfulness.
Michelle 4
Totally right, great post. My main goal is to get with a man where I can truly support his strengths/mission and can tolerate the the things that I don’t think are perfect. That’s not an easy thing to do, but if one has that mindset, you end up getting a great guy who you can be authentic with, and positive, and make feel good. Isn’t that what everyone wants?
By the way, found him in October and things are going extremely well.
Ileana 5
Another great article. I couldnt stop laughing! I used to be sooo picky, to the point that when i didnt find a flaw, i started imagining them! I know, I know, – bad, bad, VERY BAD. I learned the hard way.
However, i too started crying on a first date when talking about my grandpa who had passed away. I was so nervous once that i kept tripping and fell over TWICE while walking in the park. But the most embarassing thing of all was when one of my girlfriends texted me during a date and asked me if i was enjoying myself. When he excused himself to go to the bathroom i jumped at the ocassion to txt her back with ‘he is really hot. i deff. wanna see him again SOON… even if he’s been rambling for the past 20 mins about his sick dog.’ … Guess where i sent the txt? You’re right, to the last dialled number…. there was no second date.
That’s when i realized how messed up my whole attitude towards men was and started taking action. I stepped out of my precious crystal bubble and began walking in the grass barefoot. I relaxed, my date relaxed and it all goes so well.
I do have a question for you, Evan. In this article you listed some typical dealbrakers for women. What are the ones seen from a man’s perspective? I never really got a straight answer to that. Do they care if your purse doesnt match your shoes, the way women look at a guy’s mismatching belt?
Goldie 6
I have a question. I’ve done all these things, i.e. cut men a lot of slack on first dates, only to be judged “like a gymnast” by them myself. I totally understand that, on a first date, everybody’s nervous and we’re total strangers to each other, so, when I date, I go into a first date with very low expectations. Heck, I don’t even expect the guy to look like his photos. So why can’t I catch a break, too? I understand that this is human nature and we have to deal with it, etc etc, it’s just a lot to wrap your head around. I guess one way to look at this is that a really good man will ignore my first-date blunders as I ignore his, and an overly judgmental one wasn’t probably a best match for me to begin with?
Michelle 7
When it’s the right man leading to a good potential match, none of the blunders matter, it just all flows. Trust in that. When you meet him, you’ll see (if you don’t dismiss him over the shoe choice or gait or laugh first!
Joe 8
@ Ileana #5:
Straight guys do not care if your purse doesn’t match your shoes. All we care about is that you look put together. If you’re hot, even that doesn’t matter.
@ Goldie #6:
What breaks are you not catching?
Ileana 9
@ Joe #8:
But then what DOES matter?
Mel 10
I constantly praise my guy for being such a good guy. I’m so thankful that he really likes me for me, tries to do nice things for me and others, doesn’t care that I need to lose a little weight, etc. Just an all around good guy who tries hard in everything he does.
He’s not perfect and thank God for that….how would I ever live up to the standard of a perfect guy?
AQ 11
This is wonderful – thank you for sharing!!
Goldie 12
@ Joe: How the heck would I know? they won’t tell me. But, anytime a guy doesn’t contact me again after a first date, the odds are high that I’ve been judged on the basis of a 1-2-hour interaction, and have been passed over because of something minor that I said or did. Take the three women mentioned in this article. (Okay, maybe two women – the 30-minute monologue about an ex was a bit too much.) Each of these women got passed over because of one unfortunate statement that flew out of their mouths, possibly after a drink or two.
I’ve read the book that was recommended by someone on here, “Why He Didn’t Call You Back” and it was an eye opener. Apparently, men can jump to the wildest conclusions about you, your character, your mental health, etc. based upon the smallest things you say or do… a stray dog hair on your sweater can disqualify you. It’s a jungle out there. When you try to be above it all and give the person a chance, like the article suggests (and I agree that we should), all it gets you is an odd situation where you don’t feel that you can reject anybody, but everybody feels free to reject you.
In all fairness, it was very rare that a person did not contact me after a first date, so I hope the pressure on a woman to be perfect on a first date isn’t as bad as it seems.
Saint Stephen 13
@Ileana
What matters is that you should be less judgmental and fun to be around.
Ellen 14
Goldie, I’ve had dates like that- where I felt very scrutinized. It made me uncomfortable so if they didn’t want a second date that was FINE with me. I don’t do well with judgmental people in general, male or female.
I think a lot of people, male and female, are hyper vigilant this way out of fear mostly. Fear of getting involved with someone who will break their hearts. One of the toughest guys I know told me only this morning that when he dates he is chickensh*t and it takes a lot for him to do the asking.
So they set impossible standards to begin with. They want to pull the plug as soon as possible. It’s cowardly when you get right down to it.
About five years ago I made it a spiritual goal to try to love people unconditionally, esp. my dates. The result is 8/10 guys fall for me, feel safe with me, but my emotional needs largely go unmet. So I’m trying to find that tough balance between being accepting and loving, but still not a doormat/apologist for those essentially alpha guys with overly strong personalities I tend to fall for lately.
Also, though I commit to being this way, being female I overthink things too much. And being an intelligent female, observant, I can’t help but notice their failings. Most of my social circle is super sweet, spiritual, thoughtful, etc. so when my dates aren’t it’s hard. I am just not used to spending lots of time with such people. My current boyfriend- well I’m falling for him- but he can be occasionally totally thoughtless and immature though 41. Today I’m hoping the operative word is “occasionally”….But I’m hanging in there ’cause I see his potential. It’s like seeing into their very souls sometimes.
When you are truly tired of being alone, when you truly seek love you will then let down your guard and stop being so critical.
Sherel 15
CONFIDENCE!!!! It’s all about your attitude. Even if there is no love match in the long run. Go out and have fun. Men pick up on your attitude about yourself. My SO and I had a great first date, I smiled a lot because he made me laugh a lot. I was looking to have a great time and I did. Half the battle is expecting a positive outcome.
Ruby 16
Goldie #6
In my experience, men judge women pretty harshly, unless they are really attracted to them, and then it all goes out the window. At this point, I generally don’t bother to meet someone unless there is a fairly strong mutual interest, because I think that mutual chemistry is so tough to find. If i do meet someone, and we genuinely like each other, then I will try to overlook the little, unimportant things.
I find this post interesting, too, because over the years, I’ve noticed that many single people shoot themselves in the foot, and I’ve tried to avoid doing it myself. Talking too much about the wrong things, acting impatiently, even rudely. Politeness and patience go a long way in the beginning, and too many people forget that.
Diana 17
Absolutely on point, Evan!! My guy and I have been together for almost two years now, and just earlier this week, I sent him a “just because” text. In my text I told him that I appreciate him for the man he is. He responded with a warm “thanks honey”, and is taking me to my favorite jazz lounge tomorrow night. I finally solved the relationship equation, and yes, Evan-it is due mainly in part to applying your prudent advice. Thank you!!!!!!!
Saint Stephen 18
@Ruby (#16)
If men judged women pretty harshly as women do- there wouldn’t be much coupling-up going on.
@Goldie
If you unconsciously send out any vibe that indicates disinterest on your part, most men wont try to initiate a second date- for fear of possible rejection. How do i know that? I’ve done it before.
morgan 19
I think internet dating and the illusion of a seemingly endless supply of potential partners make people hyper-picky. And rude.
A few months ago a guy disappeared on me after date number 3. Everything was great until we got into the cinema and I got cuddly with him. He’d had his arm around me while we’d been walking there and when we sat down so I was following his lead. I’m very physically affectionate and just snuggled in (not sexually though). We hadn’t even kissed. But I think it was just too much for him and he retreated. Whatever. I have also been out with guys who would have dumped me for not having sex with them by date 3. People will do stuff that doesn’t work for you but whether that’s a deal breaker or not is your choice.
The guy I’m seeing now slipped into conversation on date 3 that he likes wearing women’s clothing sometimes. Now that freaked me right out. But y’know what? He is an absolute treasure. I am having such a lovely time with him and because of that the dressing up issue has quickly become a non-issue. As a package he is top notch and I’d be absolutely mad to dump him for that quirk.
m
melie 20
Wow! I have always over looked others issues and have had some pretty interesting dates and friends as a result. But when a man is just looking to get laid, there are no second dates when he is just looking for a booty call. Seriously, Evan, you know it’s true! Not only that, who wants a second date with that guy anyway?!?! I love men and when I go out I have a great time, and I believe men know I love men. They vie for my attention and are usually in love with me with in a month….is that the kind of man I want to settle down with? NO! I am looking for that guy that takes his time to get to know me, as I do. That enjoys my company and is looking for a lasting commitment the same as I am. Not that guy hopping in and out of bed with who knows what and where, and I am looking for someone that isn’t a wierdo. And trust me, there are alot of men cloaked in regular guy stats that are freaking wierdos! And that has nothing to do with overlooking a mans foibles or egocentricities. So where do they hide?
You know, Mr. Nice Guy that has normal sexual appetites and works for a living and cares about family and friends and the state our country is in. Sometimes I think he doesn’t exist except in the minds of women such as myself: hard working, stable, normal sexual appetite, maintains relationships with family and several close girl friends. Keep talking Evan, we are listening and we are still looking!
Kate 21
Hello, I am a faithful reader. It is good advice not to concentrate on the negatives-something that I think I am prone to do as well
. At the same time I think it is challenging to create a “meter” for discarding some of the bad points as quirks or mishaps and to seriously consider others to be red flags. Because continuing despire red flags leads to heartache as most of the readers here know I am sure 
I am trying to go back to my dating history (a long series of dates that do not usually go somewhere deeper unfortunately) and I cannot even pinpoint one man that I think I judged wrongly. There are some real weirdos and sex-obsessed men out there and fighting with that continuously wears a girl down 
AnnieC 22
@Michelle 7
So right you are. I want to share a funny first date story I was told.
An individual was going on her first date with a man she’d had coffee and dinner with, with mutual friends. They were planning on going skiing. Well they enjoyed the morning skiing, and lunch and set-off down the mountain.
Unfortunately the lady really had to pee, so he stopped and said just squat in front of the car, so I know you are there. (He didn’t want her wandering off into the snow).
So she pulled down her pants, squatted in front of the car and sort of rested her butt against the metal bumper bar.
We all know what happens with metal, in freezing conditions.
So there she was, pants down, with her butt stuck frozen to the car. After he came around and gauged the situation, it was decided that only warm liquid would remove her butt from the bumper bar. And there was only one form of warm liquid around.
They eventually got down the hill safely and subsequently got married(okay that took a year or so).
He said on their wedding “When a woman turns her head, while she lets you pee on her butt, so she can remove it from a frozen bumper bar…and then laugh about it..you just kinda have to marry her”.
Best 1st date story ever
Walt 23
I really love this info and it brings a lot of things to light. I don’t think it has to be that difficult to decide what you will accept and what you won’t. We all have needs and we all have wants. Everybody is different in what those things are for them. I just break issues into one of those two categories. If I have a specific need that I just cannot live with or without then that’s a deal breaker. There are lots of wants that I also have, but may never get. These things are not deal breakers and I don’t focus so much on those. If I can have my want, then great. If not then that’s ok too.
As for the last question in Evan’s post, I am in a happy relationship that has lasted 14 years now. I definitely feel that it has lasted because I do feel appreciated. I can only address this from the male perspective though. As a man, and I think most men would agree with me, there are really only a few basic things that I need that make me happy. I like to be respected and feel appreciated. I also like to feel that I am attractive(to her) and than I am smart. These are simply basics that any man would love to have in his relationships. I get to feel these things on a pretty regular basis, and that is why I feel my relationships has lasted.
Most of this stuff has really only come to me with age. I am 47 years old and have had enough experience to seek what I want. I don’t want to offend any females, however I do think that many women have the the tendancy to be mothering to their partner. This is not a bad quality and I think it’s that nurturing side of women that causes this. Shortly after I met the woman who is now my wife she began the “mothering”. I quickly recognized this and was very honest with her about what I needed in a mate/partner and that was NOT another mother! I have a mom, and she is the only mother I need. My wife actually agreed with me immediately and it has been terrific ever since. There have been very few times that the mother in her has started to show through in dealing with me and I just openly remind her that I am a very capable adult male that already has a mother.
Maybe these things seem to simple, but trust me, for the most part men are really simple. My wife tends to those items that I mentioned above and it magically makes me want to try even harder to be the best husband I can be.
Sam 24
Love, Love, Love this I was tending to be a bit critical of a man Im seeing and he is amazing then I zero on something stupid instead of loving what I see everyday !
Serena27 25
Very interesting article! I will keep it in mind, but I think that it has to be balanced with Evan’s video “You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.” I am fairly non-judgemental, but that trait became too important to me, and I couldn’t bear being seen as judgemental. This meant I was constantly attracted to men who traits I couldn’t accept (but wanted to pretend I did) and whose core values that didn’t match my own. Luckily I didn’t date all of those men, but I noticed that in a group of men, I gravitated to the ones who were not a good match. I decided to do some work on myself to figure out why. So now that my self-imposed dating hiatus is over, I plan to be pickier about who I accept, at least for a while. Well, it’s not so much about being ‘picky’ as being self-aware, and having healthy boundaries.
But I think both the video and this article have one thing in common. Whether you are too picky or too ‘nice’, the solution is to look inside yourself and figure out what is really important for your happiness, and what it trivial. ‘Nice’ women need to stop passing the important off as trivial, and picky women need to recognize that not everything is important.
Joe 26
@ Goldie #12:
It’s not just you. Both guys and dolls need to give each other a break. For every guy who isn’t giving a girl a break for not having the body of a gymnast, there’s a doll out there who isn’t giving a guy a break for not being any taller than she is.
Andrew 27
Here’s a dating exercise (stolen from a blog) for women to help break the cycle of always finding something negative in a man:
The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:
Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.
It can be something small.
It can be something big.
It has to be something.
Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.
Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.
You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!
You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.
This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?
Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”
Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.
Marshall Hansen 28
I find it refreshing when people say and do stupid or unrecommended things. I am a little “odd” in that I have a different sense of humor and I don’t like to hold back when I have something to say. If I’m out with somebody and I think it’s the right time to toss an ice cube in someones cleavage, I’m going to do it. If they are offended, they are not the person for me.
Michael17 29
Interesting blog post, and comments! Here are my observations and comments as a guy…
(A) Goldie–if 80% of the men you went out with once are contacting you again, I’d say you are doing pretty well. Most guys who do OLD find it pretty darn hard to get a second date. As for myself, the dates seem to go well enough, kiss on the lips at the end, but then after that the girl just seems far less proactive as far a communicating with me.
(B) My big reason for not calling a girl for a second date is that she didn’t seem to have a good time/be that interested during the first date. Ladies, you’d do yourselves a lot of good if at the end of the date, you’d say “I had a really good time” OR if you send a text along those lines the next day (doing both might be a bit much though). BUT, I (and all of my guy friends) really don’t write a girl off for “little mistakes” like pet hair on her outfit. I am well aware that just as I am, she is a human being who is nervous too (which is actually kind of a compliment if you think about it), that she has made mistakes in her personal life. I have a few deal-breakers (cute, athletic, smart) that might be considered “shallow” but I screen for those before we go out. [Yes, intentionally misrepresenting yourself on your profile is not a "little" mistake, it's a big one. Do that and I won't even stick around for the first date.]
(C) In light of my comments to Goldie in (A), *women* are usually the ones who are deciding that there will be no second date. Not always, but more than half the time. It often seems to me as a guy that you either (i) have a list of hoops that is “unreasonable” and if he doesn’t jump through those hoops, he is out, OR (ii) make your decision based on The Chemistry. Or that you do both! Evan is telling those who do (i) too much to lighten up and if he seems like a good guy, give the guy a second chance even if he did say something dumb, and he is telling those of you do do (ii) to give the good guys a chance even if you don’t see fireworks after 90 minutes, and to run away from the smooth-talking loser who still lives in Mom’s basement.
Sayanta 30
Michael17-
Just curious- where do you live? I’m in NYC and me and my girlfriends all agree that what you describe is the standard way MEN behave with women (ie, hoop-jumping, non-responsiveness, etc.) I think in areas where men far far outnumber women, this is inevitable.
Michael17 31
Sayanta–
Well, not NYC. The mid-Atlantic. I hear that dating in NYC is tough, especially for women, because (a) there are so many options due to so many people around that even if you have a great date, the BBD is around the corner, and (b) single women still far outnumber single men (even though there is a large number of both).
That said, I still have never heard of a guy discounting a girl because of cat hair on her sweater or anything like that. I have heard of men discount women because (a) she didn’t seem that into him, (b) she became clingy very fast, (c) someone more physically appealing came along and showed us interest [yes we men are shallow]. BUT (a) and (b) are in your control, and (c) is actually somewhat rare. If you show us genuine interest without smothering us, chances are we will be willing to see you again.
Sarah 32
I have a hard time seeing what “Tina” and “Melissa” did wrong in the article–if you just had 4 hours of awesome + 15 minutes of makeout awesome, I don’t think you’re going to suddenly turn around and despise the person because they asked you when you’ll be calling back. As for declaring you like rough sex…well, if your date’s vanilla, maybe they might get scared, but if they’re not, hey, wild night ahead.
Good points overall though–I think in this age of meat market nightclubs and internet dating, a lot of us forget that a first date is not an audition.
ofw dating 33
cool blog. if you focus on things you wish your lover has and is, its not like you love him for who he is the day you met. sure there are a lot of flaws that should be improved, but you should adore the man you came to love when he hooked up with you.
Heather 34
I’d like to think I always try to focus on the good, and not the bad. But sometimes my past dates have given me nothing but bad. My boyfriend, soon to be fiance is wonderful. I love him for simple reasons. It’s so silly but when he does just a simple text poke it makes me giggle and I get all warm and flushed.
People at work will ask me questions about him, and it’s like the world has a different light about it. He’s smart, but totally addicted to video games and that’s okay because at one time I was as well, and that is ironically how we met. I’m actually moving to be with him after a two year LDR. I’m excited, nervous and scared. It’s a lot to think about. I love your articles and you are right. Sorry, just rambling.