Comments on: Love A Man For Who He Is, Instead of Focusing On What He Is Not

By: Heather

Heather — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 00:39:31 +0000

I’d like to think I always try to focus on the good, and not the bad. But sometimes my past dates have given me nothing but bad. My boyfriend, soon to be fiance is wonderful. I love him for simple reasons. It’s so silly but when he does just a simple text poke it makes me giggle and I get all warm and flushed.

People at work will ask me questions about him, and it’s like the world has a different light about it. He’s smart, but totally addicted to video games and that’s okay because at one time I was as well, and that is ironically how we met. I’m actually moving to be with him after a two year LDR. I’m excited, nervous and scared. It’s a lot to think about. I love your articles and you are right. Sorry, just rambling.

By: ofw dating

ofw dating — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 08:53:17 +0000

cool blog. if you focus on things you wish your lover has and is, its not like you love him for who he is the day you met. sure there are a lot of flaws that should be improved, but you should adore the man you came to love when he hooked up with you.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:57:15 +0000

I have a hard time seeing what “Tina” and “Melissa” did wrong in the article–if you just had 4 hours of awesome + 15 minutes of makeout awesome, I don’t think you’re going to suddenly turn around and despise the person because they asked you when you’ll be calling back. As for declaring you like rough sex…well, if your date’s vanilla, maybe they might get scared, but if they’re not, hey, wild night ahead.

Good points overall though–I think in this age of meat market nightclubs and internet dating, a lot of us forget that a first date is not an audition.

By: Michael17

Michael17 — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 18:40:08 +0000

Sayanta–

Well, not NYC. The mid-Atlantic. I hear that dating in NYC is tough, especially for women, because (a) there are so many options due to so many people around that even if you have a great date, the BBD is around the corner, and (b) single women still far outnumber single men (even though there is a large number of both).

That said, I still have never heard of a guy discounting a girl because of cat hair on her sweater or anything like that. I have heard of men discount women because (a) she didn’t seem that into him, (b) she became clingy very fast, (c) someone more physically appealing came along and showed us interest [yes we men are shallow]. BUT (a) and (b) are in your control, and (c) is actually somewhat rare. If you show us genuine interest without smothering us, chances are we will be willing to see you again.

By: Sayanta

Sayanta — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 03:44:53 +0000

Michael17-

Just curious- where do you live? I’m in NYC and me and my girlfriends all agree that what you describe is the standard way MEN behave with women (ie, hoop-jumping, non-responsiveness, etc.) I think in areas where men far far outnumber women, this is inevitable.

By: Michael17

Michael17 — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 20:48:58 +0000

Interesting blog post, and comments! Here are my observations and comments as a guy…

(A) Goldie–if 80% of the men you went out with once are contacting you again, I’d say you are doing pretty well. Most guys who do OLD find it pretty darn hard to get a second date. As for myself, the dates seem to go well enough, kiss on the lips at the end, but then after that the girl just seems far less proactive as far a communicating with me.

(B) My big reason for not calling a girl for a second date is that she didn’t seem to have a good time/be that interested during the first date. Ladies, you’d do yourselves a lot of good if at the end of the date, you’d say “I had a really good time” OR if you send a text along those lines the next day (doing both might be a bit much though). BUT, I (and all of my guy friends) really don’t write a girl off for “little mistakes” like pet hair on her outfit. I am well aware that just as I am, she is a human being who is nervous too (which is actually kind of a compliment if you think about it), that she has made mistakes in her personal life. I have a few deal-breakers (cute, athletic, smart) that might be considered “shallow” but I screen for those before we go out. [Yes, intentionally misrepresenting yourself on your profile is not a "little" mistake, it's a big one. Do that and I won't even stick around for the first date.]

(C) In light of my comments to Goldie in (A), *women* are usually the ones who are deciding that there will be no second date. Not always, but more than half the time. It often seems to me as a guy that you either (i) have a list of hoops that is “unreasonable” and if he doesn’t jump through those hoops, he is out, OR (ii) make your decision based on The Chemistry. Or that you do both! Evan is telling those who do (i) too much to lighten up and if he seems like a good guy, give the guy a second chance even if he did say something dumb, and he is telling those of you do do (ii) to give the good guys a chance even if you don’t see fireworks after 90 minutes, and to run away from the smooth-talking loser who still lives in Mom’s basement.

By: Marshall Hansen

Marshall Hansen — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 02:15:39 +0000

I find it refreshing when people say and do stupid or unrecommended things. I am a little “odd” in that I have a different sense of humor and I don’t like to hold back when I have something to say. If I’m out with somebody and I think it’s the right time to toss an ice cube in someones cleavage, I’m going to do it. If they are offended, they are not the person for me.

By: Andrew

Andrew — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:00:38 +0000

Here's a dating exercise (stolen from a blog) for women to help break the cycle of always finding something negative in a man: The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise: Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles. It can be something small. It can be something big. It has to be something. Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing. Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things. You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things! You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed. This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no? Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?” Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.

By: Joe

Joe — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 19:26:58 +0000

@ Goldie #12:

It’s not just you. Both guys and dolls need to give each other a break. For every guy who isn’t giving a girl a break for not having the body of a gymnast, there’s a doll out there who isn’t giving a guy a break for not being any taller than she is.

By: Serena27

Serena27 — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:50:19 +0000

Very interesting article! I will keep it in mind, but I think that it has to be balanced with Evan’s video “You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.” I am fairly non-judgemental, but that trait became too important to me, and I couldn’t bear being seen as judgemental. This meant I was constantly attracted to men who traits I couldn’t accept (but wanted to pretend I did) and whose core values that didn’t match my own. Luckily I didn’t date all of those men, but I noticed that in a group of men, I gravitated to the ones who were not a good match. I decided to do some work on myself to figure out why. So now that my self-imposed dating hiatus is over, I plan to be pickier about who I accept, at least for a while. Well, it’s not so much about being ‘picky’ as being self-aware, and having healthy boundaries.

But I think both the video and this article have one thing in common. Whether you are too picky or too ‘nice’, the solution is to look inside yourself and figure out what is really important for your happiness, and what it trivial. ‘Nice’ women need to stop passing the important off as trivial, and picky women need to recognize that not everything is important.