Why Would a Guy Make Out With Me and Never Call Again?
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Dear Evan,
I am in my upper 20′s and have been single for about 4 years now. I have been so down lately because I am one of the only single girls of all my friends and am frustrated because I haven ‘ t been able to find a decent guy that actually interests me, that I’m attracted to, and that is actually interested in me back.
Until, one day, at a friend’s going away party, I met this attractive, funny and interesting guy. Long story short, he was clearly into me. He was very forward with his attraction to me and ended up kissing me on the dance floor. We then drove back to my friend ‘ s house where the party continued and he sat next to me, put his hand on my knee and would act like we were "together". This is after several kissing sessions on the ride over there. Then, when it came time for me to leave, he gives me a long passionate kiss goodbye and asks if he can see me the next day. I had plans that day but told him to call me and gave him my number. Not surprised, I didn’t hear from him the next day.
However, he text messages me on the following night and said that he had a really good time and hopes we can get together again. The next afternoon, I texted him back and said I had a good time too, and to call me so we can get together again. He texted back and said he would be out of town until June 1, then "we should make plans". I said "sounds good, looking forward to it", and he responds, "Me too".
It is now almost 3 weeks later…and I never heard from him. Did he just lose all interest? Should I try to contact him, and maybe invite him to a party that my friend is throwing next weekend to see if he ‘ s interested? I don’t get it. Why all the touchy-feely flirting and kissing, if you’re just not going to follow up or call? It’s just disappointing because he was the first guy in over 3 years that actually sparked my interest. It’s hard meeting people sometimes. So, I was hoping for a bit more this time around…
Any thoughts?
Alejandra
Tons of thoughts, Alejandra. Thanks for sharing.
Instead of riffing and going on tangents like I tend to do, I’ll just tackle your questions one by one:
Did he just lose all interest?
Yes, but not because of anything you did. He probably never had real interest. Or he had interest but it waned like a five-year-old who gives up on a new toy after a week. Or he had someone else in his life who already had his attention. All you know is this: he hasn’t called in three weeks, he’s not interested enough. Move on.
Should I try to contact him and maybe invite him to a party that my friend is throwing next weekend to see if he’s interested?
You can, but I wouldn’t if I were you. Even if he shows up, he’s already proven to be either a) flaky or b) disinterested. So what can you possibly gain? What if he shows up again and you hook up at the end of the night? Now you’re in the same position as you were before – waiting for this guy to call you, and having no real sense of whether he will. That doesn’t sound like too much fun, does it?
I guess the best case scenario would be if you showed up like Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease, all leather pants, attitude and hairspray. And when he shows up, you blow him away with your newfound sass and fly off into the sunset in his car. But this happens rarely. Maybe two or three times a year. So let’s put it on hold.
I’d say you should use your friend’s party to meet a new guy – a better guy. Because if you invited this dude to your friend’s place, you know what he’d see the party as? A chance to meet another girl – one not named Alejandra. And presuming he doesn’t find someone else, I’m sure he’d be glad to kiss you at the end of the night. It’s good to have a safety girl around.
Which brings us to……
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12 Comments »Filed Under Dating, Sex
Damie 1
Very good points. And on the same note, don’t make out with a guy thinking that it’s going to make him like you more. Of COURSE he’s going to play all nicey nicey… he has an agenda. And oftentimes if the agenda falls through, the guy moves on. Just take it as a good thing that you learned this right away instead of later when you invested more of yourself, physically and emotionally. I make up silly nicknames for guys that screw me around like this one. It’s juvenile, yes, petty, perhaps… but it makes me feel better.
JimmyE 2
If you’ve only met one guy in three years who sparked your interest then you’re either
a) too picky
b) not meeting enough guys
c) a combination of the above
make the effort to meet more single men, and don’t dismiss so many of them in the early stages of dating. if you date more, it’ll be a lot easier to be stoical about first dates that don’t lead to anything more.
Ceilisundancer 3
If this is the only guy in 3 years who has sparked this level of interest, what is there to lose by contacting him ONCE? It IS possible that he lost the number, or at this point, he’s embarrassed as it’s been a month and he got busy or not super interested, but now he’d like to talk with you but has no solid excuse, so doesn’t. I’ve had guy friends who have lost numbers (cell phone got wet), actually (not dating me, but excited about someone else he’d dated). But, I emphasized once for all those reasons the blogger noted. Life’s short and so are some people’s attention spans (especially in the 20′s for some). Nothing personal. Enjoy the memory.
Natalie 4
You should never expect a relationship from a guy you just casually hook up with. A lot of guys that hook up with girls are just looking for one thing, especially in the bar scene, although I realize you were at a party. Next time you want to meet a quality guy, drink less and don’t make out with him right away. Then you can let a guy get you know you and see if he is interested in more than a make out session. If you continue to be disappointed in men and act the same way, nothing is going to change. Also, as I have gotten older, I start looking at things this way: Why can’t you take it for what it was? You had a fun night with the guy. It was a perfect one night relationship. It began and ended in one night. I don’t understand why it always has to be something more. Sure it’s disappointing when they don’t call, but it wasn’t meant to be and it’s his loss, right! You had fun with the guy, so be grateful for that night and move on to someone who appreciates you.
mrs. vee 5
well said, all of the above. I don’t have much more to add except to stress the important fact that men are just wired this way. don’t hold it against them that they’re just plain good at separating physical intimacy from romantic emotions. the sooner you can accept this fact WITHOUT RESENTMENT, the sooner you’ll be ready for the real thing. because even if you land mr. right, you will still have to contend with his “wiring” til death do you part. that’s not to endorse a man in a commited relationship openly flirting with other women or having affairs. i merely mean that his “wiring” is gonna express itself in subtle ways – like sidelong glances at women or ogling the lingerie section of the jc penney newspaper insert – because it’s in his nature. on the plus side, the same sad fact that this one guy could kiss you without real feelings is going to work in your favor one day when it’s your husband checking out a pretty girl, but all the while it’d never even cross his mind to leave you for her.
KARL 6
FUCK YES, NATALIE!
Jessbear 7
Ladies don’t always gain much from doing the chasing, but guys don’t either. If you’re looking for a real, long-term commitment you’re best to not be too assertive because then you’ll be disappointed. Otherwise, you need to realise you’re still so young and it’s still just absolutely fine to live for the moment. Some guys I look at I can’t tell how they are willing to degrade themselves so much just for a little fun. Don’t take pity, but, you must realise you’re no better or less worth being satisfied than is he.
JLH 8
This was probably one of the most insightful discussions on this topic. My thing is I’m prone hardcore to obsession and adrenaline rushes (love and fantasy addict)—so what happened with me and the most recent, said, wonderful person goes to show, perhaps I am not in a place to grapple with yet another experience like this. However, ironically enough, I thought this would be different. NO, really really different. For one, he isn’t a maniac like everyone else I’ve been into my ENTIRE 30 YEARS ON EARTH. Sure, he’s fun, and free spirited but he’s not as out of control and insane as most of the people I’ve found myself drawn to (granted thats b/c they usually make me look more sane and also b/c right-of-center ppl terrify me).
My situation is REALLY confusing but little by little the frustration and disenchantment is wearing off. After two linkings with this person, one being the first that was originally a hanging out with friends, turned to hot dancing making out-breakfast at sunrise-driving me all the way home (not a big deal but sometimes feels like it when its from lower manhattan to the bronx) and a second, another party that we wound up leaving to make out and laugh uproariously and hold hands and feel the energy–then–
1> I get some texts from him apologizing for not texting me back after the last time we saw each other/texted “goodmorning, have a good one, great time with u” (granted that was AAALLL HIM. I did not thank him for a good time, tell him that he was amazing, or even put my hand on his crotch hahah!) etc. That was a Sunday. I got those texts on a Thursday morning. Then later that Thurs afternoon, a text to hang out when he gets off work (which is always past midnight b/c he’s a cook)—so I,
2>So as to not succumb to the texting game, I write him a message on facebook with what cool things i’ll be getting into over the weekend (being that he mentioned “if you’re out and about”) and told him to call me for details if he’d like to link up. I kept it simple. Truly. I mentioned that texting was lame and left room for confusion. It’s now the Tuesday of the following week. I guess we’ve known each other for 3 weeks. I know of his ex, and I know that he probably isn’t looking for a relationship, though he said he’s not closed to anything. But it fkn sucks b/c our chemistry was lovely and he’s an amazing human being. I felt I did things right (by not slutting it up and sleeping with him on the first or even second time we were together). He said things and held me in ways that yes, granted, could be seen as “being in the moment” but really, we have mutual friends, this guy’s always had a girlfriend, I don’t think he’s the dude that talks shit about how he feels. However, b/c Im such a love/adrenaline junkie, I bring things out in people and then, it crashes. I thought that b/c he was a bit more balanced and mature things wouldn’t go down that way. I know the dude read his FB message. I know he’d not ill. I know he’s busy but not that busy. Guess it was bad timing. Still feels crappy. Still can’t believe it. I mean, honestly, there’s no special moment he’s waiting for to call. He obviously, simply decided, he didn’t care enough to. Or work is stressful. But so what.
3> Again, I know he got the fb message and I know he’s not afraid to call b/c we already spoke on phone after the first linkup, and he even freakin texted me to tell me he loved the convo and how great our time was. It’s absurd the way things have turned out. Even with his “hectic work schedule” something isn’t adding up. I’m convinced he lost interest, is simply not that iNTO ME, AND JUST Doesn’t wanna put the work in. The truth is im disgusted I (and all women) ever care so much what men think in the first place.
4>That being said I’m still looking for answers. I hate being one of the drones, and now that I really do want something real (but perhaps am not mentally healthy enough to get there), it’s a reminder that things will be shaky until I get clear (though I coulda sworn I was clear enough here to myself, and to him too). But my dates and my style and my crowd are not traditional. And I guess that puts a dynamic (the dynamic of modern romance) already in a highly confused state into even more of a tailspin.
5>Man, I feel dumb.
Karl R 9
JLH said: (#8)
“I mentioned that texting was lame”
If I told you your writing style “was lame,” would you feel welcome coming back here and posting again? Or would you feel self-conscious about writing more?
Men want girlfriends who are fun. We avoid girlfriends who are critical. (If I want criticism, I can call my mother.)
If you wanted him him to call instead of text, you could have replied to his text with a text that said, “call me” and your phone number. That would let him know that you wanted a call instead of a text, without being critical.
(My comments about writing style were hypothetical. I’m not in the habit of criticizing people’s writing unless it’s directly related to their problem … such as their online profile.)
JLH said: (#8)
“I write him a message on facebook”
Did you send him an email through facebook, or did you post it on his wall? I consider dating communications to be private. Posting on the wall is even worse than sending a text (and I agree that texting is a lame way to ask someone out).
And if you told him texting was lame on his wall, that qualifies as public humiliation. A date / girlfriend / boyfriend who publicly humiliates you is much worse than one who criticizes you. If you want to have a dating life … Don’t. Do. That. Ever. Again.
JLH said: (#8)
“and left room for confusion.”
You were trying to be confusing? Why?
Dating is sufficiently confusing without people purposely trying to make it more confusing.
ruledbysun 10
I agree with JLH. I have this electric chemistry with somebody that I’ve known since elementary. He says he wants to hang out but he’s really busy with work. A month later I say hey I’ve enjoyed the time I did have. I really thought he felt the same way.
meeka 11
I disagree with somethings. A guy should not be kissing someone passionately if he ain’t got feelings. U can get diseases from kissing, so that says a lot about how much he cares about not catching anything. Some guys will say everything they think u want to hear just get some. I had a guy pull all the stops, even after I was upfront and told him I’m not about flingin or just screwin away and that if he was to be upfront and just say he wants sex only. He promised me several times with phone calls, text and in person. He cooked for me..ect. Then when I decided to sleep with him, which he enjoyed, he showed his true colors. So I don’t got nothing nice to say about anyone who just screw around and especially lead people on.
NonExist 12
Good case for direct communication on both sides.
However since his actions already gave the message, Alejandra should just move on.
Disappearing is a churlish way of showing one lacks interest but he probably did not want to admit to her that he was just in it for the momentary rush.
At least she did not sleep with him.
In general if you want to know their motivations just ask. If they refuse to answer or are vague then that tells you that their interest is probably not as strong as yours.