How Do You Know If He’s Ready for Marriage BEFORE You Get Involved?

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How Do You Know If He’s Ready for Marriage BEFORE You Get Involved?

06:45 am on Jun 13th 2007 Evan Marc Katz

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Hi Evan,

I am a 30 years old woman recently out of a 2 year relationship. I hope to get married and have a family. I don’t want to be in another LONG term relationship without a possibility of marriage or finding out too late that the guy is just not ready for marriage.

So, how do you find out BEFORE you start a relationship with a guy 1. is he at a point of his life when he is ready to get married? 2. if he sees marriage potential with you?

I know that you don’t want to bring up the "question" or bring up commitment. But is there a way to find these important facts BEFORE you get involved with someone? Or would you just make the guy run away…..

Also, would you specify on the profile interested in "marriage and children" only (as you do on your profile), or would you also list "long term relationship"?

Thanks,

Susan

Dear Susan,

There’s a fine line that you have to walk in any romantic relationship. Especially early on. You want to be vulnerable, yet you’re trying to play it cool. You want to show that you’re interested, but never want to act like you’re needy. You know that true love means being real, but that being real can sometimes scare people away.

Whether we acknowledge them or not, these paradoxes exist. And whenever you’re dealing with something that is inherently contradictory, there is no easy answer. Human nature is far too complex, and people are rarely even in touch with how they feel themselves.

Consider the philosophical differences between the serial monogamist and the serial dater. You don’t have to guess which one I am.

I’m a guy who has always broken up with women I didn’t intend to marry after three months. It’s not that I wasn’t content in those relationships, but rather, that I felt that it was a) unfair to her if I already knew I didn’t have long-term intentions and b) unfair to me, because every day I spent with her was a day I wasn’t looking for my future wife. Strangely, I’ve always been proud of my spotty track record – as if it was a badge of honor to pull the plug quickly, if only for the sake of integrity.

On the other hand, my girlfriend has had a series of long term relationships. Three years, five years, two years. One of them, she actually married. Did she stay too long in the others? Did she know, at any point, that they were doomed to fail? It’s not my place to say.

What I am saying is that nobody wants to waste time on a relationship, but everybody has a different definition of what “wasted” time is….

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8 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Favorites

8 Responses to “How Do You Know If He’s Ready for Marriage BEFORE You Get Involved?”

Marc F. Jun 13th 2007 at 11:57 am 1

Susan, I think you’d be best served by telling men very early on that you’re interested in marriage. A man who is seriously marriage minded will not be turned off by a woman who is of a similar mindset. You don’t necessarily have to bring up marriage 5 minutes into the first date, but you can bring it up subtly during the course of the date.
josi Jun 15th 2007 at 12:11 am 2

welcome back evan. we wanna hear about your vacation. post pictures!
Martha Jun 16th 2007 at 12:24 am 3

Susan,
Even men who are interested in being married might not thing you are in the running to be his future wife, so what good does it do early on to even talk about it? And don’t think getting married means it’s for keeps either. I was in a luke warm marriage and am now divorced. And he really wanted to marry me. We made it four years. Then it was up in smoke. And there are guys out there that will play along just to get what they want and then just move on and say things like, “I just need some space” when what they really mean is, it’s been nice, but I’m feeling a commitment coming on and I don’t want to have to hurt your feelings. But the sex was great, the meals wonderful, and I really enjoyed your company. Next.
There just are no guarantees. Any sign of neediness or desperation and you’ve blown it. I’ve been a straight shooter all my life, almost married three times before I was 45 and then I really did it. Back in the single life now, all I can say is that it’s at least on my terms, and you have to stay true to yourself. You’re not for sale.
How Do You Know If He’s Ready for Marriage BEFORE You Get Involved? « Veronica’s Lore Jun 16th 2007 at 08:44 am 4

[...] Source here… [...]
Internet Dating Advice Mar 3rd 2008 at 12:54 am 5

Some things to consider:

- Has he been married before and if yes, why and how did his marriage end

- His current situation (whether he has kids, at which point in his career he is, etc.)

- His age (30 to 40 year olds who has never been married are more likely to consider marriage than a 20 to 30 y.o or a 50 y.o. who has never been married)

and many more factors that can somewhat give insight on whether he is at a point in his life where he is seriously looking to have a family
Tiffany Sep 29th 2008 at 04:37 pm 6

You really need to look for the signs like Evan says! If you rush n too fast it will scar him. Men are finiky creatures you have to do things at the right time or you’ll blowthe whole relationship. The funny thing is they may say they are not ready for a commitment but if you notice they are always up for the sex!!! Protect your emotions and find out in a discrete fasion what he is ready for!
Leslie Nov 16th 2008 at 08:28 pm 7

With internet dating I think it is a lot easier to ask these questions and screen early on. Though individuals are sometimes ambiguous with answers, generally speaking those who say they want marriage and children and indicate that they are at a time in their life when they are ready to settle down, are indeed ready to settle down with the right person. If you are both at a place in your lives where you know what you want and share similar goals and values I don’t think if takes long into dating to decide whether there is a chance for the development of a long-term relationship with the potential for marriage. That doesn’t mean the two individuals would become engaged right away, or that difficulties won’t prevent their relationship from enduring but being on the same page and being honest with each other as far as what you are both looking for and communicating along the way can be a great way to avoid wasting time, and help build a solid foundation for marriage.
starthrower68 Aug 27th 2009 at 04:46 pm 8

I think getting information from men is a much like doing reconnaisence; you keep quiet but be a shrewd and keen observer. People will reveal themselves through actions and behvior. That’s not to say you deny your wishes and desires, but you keep your eyes and ears open. I don’t that’s being cynical, manipulative, a gamer player, etc. You are merely studying the other person to find out what they are about.