9 Reasons Why You Usually Choose The Wrong Guy

9 Reasons why you usually choose the wrong guy

“A good partnership is not so much one between two healthy people (there aren’t many of these on the planet), it’s one between two demented people who have had the skill or luck to find a non-threatening conscious accommodation between their relative insanities.”

This is probably my favorite quote from this piece, about how we end up marrying the wrong people. The author posits – and I agree – that most of us are completely blind to our own flaws, and can go much of our lives without ever getting a glimpse of the truth:

You search for someone tall, handsome, rich, funny, and spiritual, who also likes wine tasting and skiing, and think that if you find him, all will be well. Think again.

Whenever more casual relationships threaten to reveal the ‘difficult’ side of our natures, we tend to blame the partner – and call it a day. As for our friends, they predictably don’t care enough about us to have any motive to probe our real selves. They only want a nice evening out. Therefore, we end up blind to the awkward sides of our natures.”

Amen. Humility is a huge part of relationships, and I don’t hear anyone talking about it. It’s always about what kind of person you’re looking for, not what kind of person you’re being. So you search for someone tall, handsome, rich, funny, and spiritual, who also likes wine tasting and skiing, and think that if you find him, all will be well. Think again.

“We need to know the intimate functioning of the psyche of the person we’re planning to marry. We need to know their attitudes to, or stance on, authority, humiliation, introspection, sexual intimacy, projection, money, children, aging, fidelity and a hundred things besides. This knowledge won’t be available via a standard chat.”

This is one of many reasons I advocate that you date for 2 to 2 1/2 years (and move in together) before getting married, instead of getting married simply because you’re “in love” and you “just know”. Yet you can’t really help what you’re attracted to.

“As adults, we may reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways.”

I’m no shrink, but that sounds dead-on correct to me. The only reason I ever second-guessed my relationship with my wife was because it was so EASY. I didn’t think anything that easy could be worth having; I thought it had to take WORK. Thank God I learned that the best relationships ARE easy.

Read the whole thing. It’ll be worth your while. When you’re done, let me know your biggest takeaways and aha moments below. Thanks a bunch.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Bee

    Hi Evan,  I’ve been a long time reader of your blog since 2009 but have never commented till now.  Just wanted to say that your advice is always spot on!  After 2.5 years of dating, I married my husband a few months ago – and it was because he consistently was kind, generous, and forgiving.  I had never felt so unconditionally loved, and our relationship went so smoothly (I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it never did!).  I particularly liked your advice “Evaluate the relationship, not your partner.”  It’s so true.  Thanks again for your wise, mature advice – I’ve sent your blog to many of my single friends, I just hope they listen!

    1. 1.1
      Rey

      Hi! I just read your comment and you remind me of myself! I am so happy that I’m not the only one that worries about the other shoe dropping even though I have an absolutely compassionate, kind and hard working man by my side at every turn! I needed this subtle reminder 🙂

  2. 2
    starthrower68

    I have foolishly and naively mistaken intense chemistry for live. I bought into the notion that if one isn’t full of angst or like a watch that’s over-wound, it’s not love. I believe I have grown past that but I haven’t been tested either. It’s seems easy to remain single when you don’t hate it. Especially after all the comments about how bad women are, especially after age 35, single moms, etc.

  3. 3
    Amy

    This is a sobering article. Being someone who married a man who was utterly wrong for me (I am now happily divorced), I was humbled as I read through the 9 topics and was often reminded of my old self.  This is my challenge: I do a lot of online dating, meet a fair number of men, and I can tell when I find someone who I should want to be with. I try not to overlook candidates (the author’s word) who seem promising, men who are self aware and willing to evolve and don’t disappear after one date. The problem is I have zero attraction for any of them. I’m not searching for intense chemistry, but I should at least want them to kiss me goodnight, right?  This is the frustrating part of looking for someone to have a more mature relationship with. Even taking into account everything the author points out, you still have to have some sort of feelings for the person after a couple of dates, otherwise there is no motivation to keep going out with them. I am hoping that it is just a matter of time until I meet someone who I have a least a little chemistry with. Going purely on the person’s emotional intelligence and psychological compatibility sounds good but it isn’t really fulfilling. You do need chemistry and feelings to want to make something more serious happen.

    1. 3.1
      Adrian

      I think this is the main reason that many of us are single. I have met many women who were attracted to me, that would have made great girlfriends and wives,  but because of my lack of attraction, even when i tried to date them, I just couldn’t really put forth the effort.

      Think of all the post on this blog, everything from cheating, waiting on the partner to comment, to a person not just using you for sex, in my opinion all this wouldn’t be a problem if the person was “truly” and really attracted to the person, it’s amazing how well a person treats. waits for, and yes even actively and willing courts a person who they really want, regardless of what many of the male posters say, so as much as what a lot of Evan say hurts my male ego, and seems a littl slighted in favor of woman, he is still correct in what he says.

      1. 3.1.1
        Henriette

        But, Adrian… having strong attraction to a person at the initial stages (meeting, courtship, etc.) might have high correlation to making a big effort at the start but not much correlation with how likely the relationship is to last happily through the decades. 

        1. Adrian

          Henriette would you rather have a guy who you find attractive but your attraction for him isn’t that strong, yet! He exceeds all your expectations in every other category such as kindness, family goals, financial stability, puts your needs first in the bedroom, etc..?  

          Or, the guy who, you are very attracted to and he only meets your expectations in every other category, but he doesn’t really excel in any one category? Maybe it’s because I am a guy, but Henriette, this is the woman I would choose, because my strong attraction would cause me to work harder for her, tolerate her flaws more.

          But what Amy was talking about in the original post, was completely different from either of these options. She was talking about being with a person who exceeds the standard in every other category, but not only was she not attracted to them, she actually hated the thought of having to touch or be touched by them sexually, even if it was just a french kiss. A 

        2. Henriette

          @ Adrian – Honestly?  I’d take the guy for whom I have the weaker initial attraction but who exceeds my expectations in other areas.   I’d do this in part bc my rational brain believes that this pairing would have a greater chance at long-term success.  But also bc I find that extreme attraction “jams my radar;” makes me miss/ discount red flags; scares me.  I’ve always felt this way: comfort, kindness, respect and attraction trump crazy attraction, any day.

        3. starthrower68

          I think this is such an individualized thing that it’s tough to say one or the other is 100% correct.  So many variables come into play.  If you can get and keep the hottie pottotie, rock on with your bad self. Go for it.  If you can’t and don’t care to, that’s not wrong either. 😊

      2. 3.1.2
        starthrower68

        It prolly only makes sense Evan’s blog is a “little slighted” toward women since that’s the target audience.  It would not be a successful business model to blog for men but then call it a blog for women.  But then again, there are women who take umbrage with him because they think he’s telling women it’s men’s way or the highway. Go figure. He’s between a rock and a hard spot.  But I think most of his female readers earnestly desire to understand men and have better relationships.  Kudos to you for reading with an open mind even if it dings your ego a bit.  I do not say your ego should be bruised; but that there are those men AND women who post that don’t really care to understand the other but they just want to vent their spleen.  They prefer to remain part of the problem rather than the solution.  So good for you! 😊

    2. 3.2
      Dina Strange

      I was making a mistake, same as you do thinking that i need to be with someone i have chemistry with. How wrong i was. But after reading so many of Evan’s blog i decided to give a chance to a guy i thought i didn’t have chemistry with. And guess what? His caring, his kindness, and generosity same as attention to me, made me feel chemistry with him.

      Just give it a chance….I promise, you won’t regret it. 

      1. 3.2.1
        EmeraldDust

        Dina @ 3.2  “Just give it a chance….I promise, you won’t regret it.
         
        I have “given chances” and have hurt people that way, and despite your promise I did regret it.  In fact, even tho I thought my minimal attraction could grow, it actually turned to revulsion.  So on top of wincing and cringing at his touch, I had to explain myself to someone that I am JNITH, after I have led him on.  2 bits of unpleasantness I can do without.

        1. Adrian

          Emerald,  I have also done this many times, listening to advice from relationship books and articles like psychology today. It just doesn’t work, and you are right, we are painted as the bad guy, for just trying to look beyond their looks, but after breaking way too many hearts, I decided to stop listening to all the people who paint going after the hot sexy girl as a shallow or bad thing. I don’t like getting rejected either, but it feels worse to break someones heart, after 2 or 3 dates and late night phone calls when you see the hope in their eyes

        2. EmeraldDust

          Hi Adrian @ …  Thanks for your response.  I don’t even “go after” hot & sexy guys.  I don’t “go after” anyone.  I only go out with those who initiate, and only those that I have some initial level of attraction to begin with.  And as far as what I find attractive ?  That’s a big  IDK.  I have been attracted to guys who or are plain or average, and I’m usually attracted to the “hotties” as well, but they rarely approach me.  But INITIAL attraction can fade or grow stronger as I get to know the person.  
          I admit that attraction tends to be shallow, but that doesn’t mean relationships have to be.  I would never recommend that someone force themselves to be attracted to someone they aren’t, but when I find myself attracted to someone, I don’t stop assessing compatibility and character.  That ALSO has to be there.  Attraction is only ONE element.  While it is a critical element (and usually the first element to be determined) attraction alone won’t sustain a relationship.
          I actually “fell in love with my ears” with my last ex.  We met on the phone. I had no idea what he looked like, but I was halfway to being in love with just by the sound of his voice.  The first time I saw him I thought he was cute in a “hollywood nerdy” sort of way.  It was a nice comfortable initial attraction.  I thought we were pretty equally matched.  I didn’t think he was above me or beneath me.  I thought we were in “the same league”.  (he thought I was out of his, and I find that idea ludicrous)  That comfy initial attraction (about level 7) soared big time the first time we made out, and after that, I just started looking at him as “cute” and not “cute in a nerdy sort of way”.  That’s what I would like again, someone who I feel comfortably attracted too that grows.  Not someone who I think is looking down on me as beneath them league wise. 
          Since I never “go after” anyone, and only date men who approach me first (online or off) I am really puzzled why a handful of commenters say that I am going for guys “out my league”.  I am not going after anyone.  They reach out to me first.  And I am usually more comfortable with guys who are “averagely cute” like me. (or my ex)  I’m not stalking 9 & 10’s online.
           
           

        3. Gabby

          I agree with you on this. I think attraction is a must otherwise you start pulling your hair out with frustration.

        4. Julie

          EmeraldDust,  I did the exact same thing.  I tried dating someone who I wasn’t really attracted to, and I ended up not liking much about him.  I tried telling myself, same thing you did, that the attraction would grow, but it didn’t work out very well.  Things about him annoyed me, and I wasn’t happy.  I had to let him go after a year and a bit.  It was more of a roomate situation after about 8 months.

    3. 3.3
      Mark2012

      OK Amy, so what does a woman do if she only feels chemistry with guys who feel little to no chemistry for her? I think that is one of the biggest problems these days. Too many people who think their SMV is way higher than it actually is. I have lurked and seen that discussed a bit, especially for women who have had past short relationships with guys of much higher SMV than her, which convinces her that she should be able to get guys like that. Women compare and contrast. And they do this not only with men that are currently in their lives in some manner, presently, but also compare present guys to past men they’ve had any sort of relationship with. I know that not all women do this, but I have known many who are so hung up on having had a really hot guy that it ruins them for normal guys because they have this fear that their hot guy might come along right after she ties the knot with a guy she “settled” for. So the question remains, what if the girl is really only a 5, or 6, but never feels chemistry with guys who are a 5 or 6? I have known many girls I would classify as a solid 7 or 8, who has dated a fair number of 9’s and 10’s, and so they never really give a guy who is a 7 or 8 much of a chance. The just know that 9 or 10 that will commit to her is out there, and they aren’t going to settle for less. I see this kind of thing so much, and I am sure it also applies to women who are below a 5. Women who realistically are a 3 or 4, and they turn their nose up to guys who are a 3 or 4. The problem is, nobody ever looks in the mirror and says, “Yep, I am a solid 3.” Most people if asked, would they are at least a 5. Just average. Being average is easier to accept than less than average.

      1. 3.3.1
        Adrian

        Mark what I am about to say (which is just my opinion based off what I observed) isn’t a very popular concept with women, but I truly believe it. The reason those 5’s get 7’s or those 7’s get 9’s is because a guy will sleep with a woman even if she is a 3.

        Short game is easy, that’s why everything Evan says is true, playing the game to get into a woman’s bedroom, is easy if you only have to do it for a few weeks, but afterwards, if you aren’t attracted to her you get bored or just keep her on a string until someone you really wants comes along (I’m sure women have their own version of doing this too). Because he is actually courting her, she doesn’t see that he isn’t really into her, so when it ends (I’ve never seen a guy tell the woman it’s because of her looks or body, it’s usually some version of: “I need to get my life straight, or my ex hurt me and I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t give someone my heart right now, etc..), she thinks, I can do it again.

        Plus I’m sure it feels good having someone attractive on your arm, to brag about, it boost both men and women’s self-esteem, “He’s hot but he chose me, other girls want him but he wanted me, etc…” That’s why I hate all those books that say “This will show you how to get any guy/girl to fall in love with you” books. 

        The one caveat to my whole theory is a man/woman who is attractive but because of either their poor life choices, they don’t have the  self-esteem to go along with their looks. An example would be a handsome guy who stays works in a low level job, he only has a high school diploma, if he meets a average or below average girl, he would stay with her,  because she is what he thinks he deserves, take that same guy and make him a successful Lawyer, then unless she was his high school girlfriend or she got with him after a bad divorce, he wouldn’t date someone too far out of his league 

        1. starthrower68

          It’s not easy for women to see or hear, but the truth is often unkind.  Now let me add that I do not see myself as the women who’s going to snag that “high value” male.  I have never had any illusions about getting that guy.  If that man pursued me, I’d be suspicious.  I am not admitting that out of self-loathing. As a matter of fact, I’m comfortable in my own skin.  I have things I can work on and they are personal goals, but even if I “improve” myself, I would still only ever admire that high value guy from a distance.  Because of where I come from and who I am, even if I could attract that guy, he’s not for me and I’m not for him and I don’t think it’s wrong to accept that.  It’s not a caste system, per se, but I guess more of a birds of a feather flock together thing.

      2. 3.3.2
        christina

        Mark2012,

        I have the same sentiments as you, people think their SMV is higher than it is. I once did a quick survey out of curiosity and confirmed it. My conclusion is that it is in part due to optimism, lack of self-awareness and also someone who is a 6 in someone’s eyes could be a 3 in another. We have such diverse preferences. Even celebrities who spend a lot of time/money on grooming, have their detractors.

        It is true women AND men compare, we just compare different things. It is also true that people often give the most convenient excuse to save the trouble of a messy break up so no one really learns. High chance that they have communicated it repeatedly and have exhausted all avenues though.

        Of course if you have gotten an 8 in the past, you will think you can get an 8 again, even a 3 if given the chance will shoot for an 8, everyone naturally seek someone higher up as a good deal. Seeing that women attach emotions to attraction, it makes sense to compromise (not settle) on looks and not let chemistry get the better of us and also look for the healthy values. For a man, it makes sense to find someone attractive because it is a deal breaker. If someone is only attractive and lack any of the values to be a good wife, it can’t work either,

    4. 3.4
      Harry Adeboye

      I completely agree with this. I may have made the biggest dating mistake ever as this guy ticks every box, but if you are not feeling a little bit of something, just a bit then why force it.

      1. 3.4.1
        Harry Adeboye

        I guess that is why I am nearing my 40th birthday and still single, just can’t seem to seem to get to everything should be ‘easy’. Guess I am just not mature enough or have been single too long. *sighs*

  4. 4
    Rose

    Evan thank you very much for linking to this article.  I read it all.  It’s long and very worth it.  Something that really struck a chord with me was this:
     
     
    We have a desperate and fateful urge to try to make nice things permanent. We want to own the car we like, we want to live in the country we enjoyed as a tourist. And we want to marry the person we are having a terrific time with.


    Getting married has no power to keep a relationship at this beautiful stage. It is not in command of the ingredients of our happiness at that point. In fact, marriage will decisively move the relationship on to another, very different moment: to a suburban house, a long commute, two small children. The only ingredient in common is the partner. And that might have been the wrong ingredient to bottle.
     
     
    The peaks of life tend to be brief. Happiness doesn’t come in year-long blocks. With the Impressionists to guide us, we should be ready to appreciate isolated moments of everyday paradise whenever they come our way, without making the mistake of thinking them permanent; without the need to turn them into a ‘marriage’.”
     
     
    I often struggle with this.  I don’t like the transience of life.  I need to learn that some people are meant to be in our lives for a finite length of time.  Just take the life lessons and the good memories and let go.

    1. 4.1
      starthrower68

      Rose, you make some really excellent points. I would even take it one step further and say that to grow as people, we have to learn to persevere through some heartache and adversity, such as loss of a romantic relationship.  Not that any of us enjoy those things, but sometimes, that’s the only way we learn life’s lessons and gain wisdom.  It teaches us how to remain steadfast through difficulty.  

  5. 5
    Lin

    I apologize for my English, Im Dutch 🙂
    I have been a reader for a year now and taken the advice. I have excused many man with some of Evan’s quotes who ofcourse vanish when they notice I only want a serious relantionship. I have to say it is not easy to find a man who thinks as Evan or is generous, or persuids a woman. Its to much work. Man this days change u quickly for an easy catch.

  6. 6
    Noquay

    This is awesome. A lot of us older chix feel desperate to find someone we are attracted to because indeed, time is running out. I look back at my marriage and apart from marrying within a number of months, rather than 2+ years, I did everything right. A strong sharing of core values and lifestyle, someone I respected and admired, he took care of himself and was very responsible. I find maintaining my current guy friendships far more work, far more drama, than it ever was with him.

  7. 7
    Clare

    I LOVED this:

    “Whenever more casual relationships threaten to reveal the ‘difficult’ side of our natures, we tend to blame the partner – and call it a day. As for our friends, they predictably don’t care enough about us to have any motive to probe our real selves. They only want a nice evening out.”

    1. 7.1
      ScottH

      The strange thing I’ve noticed in dating is that it is ALWAYS the ex who was at fault in the previous relationship.  Now, we all know that it can’t always be that way yet we swear it was the ex.

      1. 7.1.1
        Clare

        I am extremely wary of people who always seem to have something negative or derisive to say about others without ever pointing that same critical gaze upon themselves. I do believe it is a defence mechanism, a defence against vulnerability – you never have to be truly intimate or vulnerable if you don’t lay your own faults bare for others to see, if you don’t welcome the growing pains of change you can stay safely “put” in one place.

        And yet, I believe life finds a way to humble us all until we learn. Just because you are always trying to deflect the blame onto the ex does not make it true that he/she was at fault, nor does it guard you against experiencing exactly the same issue with the next person. I always like to take out of every challenging situation as much as I can that I can do better and improve on next time – so that I am not hit with nasty surprises when life, or other people, point out my faults. 

        1. Adrian

          Okay, then Clare, you and I are out on a date (pick any the first date through the fifth), and I tell you: “Yeah I really loved my ex, it just didn’t workout because she couldn’t handle that like to masturbate to porn when she wasn’t in the mood or that I lied and did go see my ex, because her mother pasted and she just needed someone to talk to, or… or… or…

          Clare would I get another date? You are still trying to decide if I am a good candidate for your future boyfriend, and you would say oh well, at least he was honest about the porn or the lie, etc..??? Now fast forward to a year later after we have been dating and you find out about why I broke up with my ex, my guess is that you would first listen to why I did what I did (I was horny she wasn’t, but I only use porn on those nights or I did lie, but it was because she would have thought I was planning to cheat, she was insecure and jealous, etc..)

          Most people say one thing and do another, and we all know this, so we want to paint ourselves in the best light, until the person knows us, then when they judge, they aren’t judging to see if I will be a good boyfriend, because I already proved that for the past 12 months, you are judging the cercumstances of the situation and not judging me 

        2. Clare

          That’s a lot of supposition and projecting when you don’t even know me 😉

          I actually respect honestly a lot, I respect people who are honest about their shortcomings, however bad they might sound, a hell of a lot more than people who try to come across as perfect.

          People are not naive, they can see through that. An insightful person knows when you’re hiding something. 

        3. christina

          Adrian,

          I agree with Clare. Usually people who are too good to be true usually is. In fact, I think setting expectations too high could trigger feelings of betrayal because the difference is just too great. By then you have invested yourself and it goes back to step 1. Anyway for it to last, the person has to accept the worse of us, the best of us is easy, everyone will love that bit. I am not saying drop the biggest bombshell on the first meeting but before you get together would be good. Chances are if she can accept it, she will accept it for good. If she can’t, she will never.

  8. 8
    ScottH

    This article is consistent with my very favorite book on the topic:  Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.  In it, he explains how our subconscious (reptilian brain) seeks out a person with very particular traits.  This book is required reading for anybody I get serious with.
    A quote from another column I love:  The goal isn’t to promise yourself only to date people never married and without childhood wounds. The people in your dating pool are mostly divorced and always in some way wounded. No, your goal is to pursue courtships only with people who demonstrate a regular willingness to live consciously and to live accepting radical responsibility for that about which they are willing to be conscious.
    http://www.reviewjournal.com/columns-blogs/steven-kalas/we-are-all-walking-wounded 

  9. 9
    Henriette

    This article makes some interesting points.  Some random thoughts:
     
    1. Like ST68 @2, I don’t find single life to be so very terrible.  At some point, many of us just decide make the best of what we’ve got ~ lovely homes, hobbies, travel, friends, etc. ~ while remaining open to romantic love.   On one hand, this means we aren’t likely to jump into miserable marriages to escape “dreadful” single life, but on the other hand, it can make us seem too independent to potential mates (interesting discussion between Jeremy and EmeraldDust on this subject, in another thread).
     
    2.  The piece states that, “we aren’t used to being happy” but I would add that many don’t even truly desire happiness.   That may sound like an odd statement but if you offered most singles a pleasant, calm, long-lasting happy relationship OR a tempestuous, wild-chemistry, highest-of-highs and lowest-of-lows relationship I believe that many would chose the latter and secretly hope that they could eventually diminish the lows but keep all the passion and thrills and craziness for the next 40 years. 
    Is this because many don’t know what sustainable happy relationships actually look like or is it bc our society so glorifies whirlwind romances and throw-caution-to-the-wind ardor that healthy relationships seem dull/ pedestrian in contrast?  I’ve no idea.  
     
    3.  “In a wiser society, prospective partners would put each other through detailed psychological questionnaires…”  This made me grin bc it reminded me of the torturously-long eHarmony questionnaire.  And in spite of eHarmony’s marketing claims, I’m not sure that couples who meet via their site are much less likely to divorce than couples who meet in less psychologically-directed ways.  

    I also think scientifically-proven knowledge re. how to create & sustain a (relatively) good marriage is so scarce that even extensively-trained psychologists are, to a certain point, “flying blind.”
     
    4.  I agree that “we don’t understand ourselves.”  But even when we do, many choose to lie or at least dissemble.  For example, one of my best friends does not much enjoy sex.  However, she knows that most guys do.  She also finds that having a partner who wants to sleep with her frequently is gratifying to her ego.  So she misrepresents her libido to men so as to attract both the greatest number as well as those whose behaviour she finds flattering. 

    I suspect this suggested “Psychological Model” of spouse selection would hinge on us not only understanding our short-comings but also being frank about them;  how many of us would actually do so?  

    1. 9.1
      starthrower68

      Henriette, I thought you made a really good point about the thrill of the high/low rollercoaster type relationship.  I think it’s symptomatic of a larger problem: I am not sure that as a whole, our culture understands what moderation is.  One of the paradoxical blessings/curses of America is that we can have bigger, better, more, and usually quickly and we want all of life to be that way, including our relationships.  Many people need that emotionally roller coaster to feel alive or fill a void.  I have been there/done that.  I also think that we have a real aversion to enduring any sort of unpleasantness.  We did not experience The Great Depression and WW2.  Obviously we all have times of personal struggle, but I’m talking about hardship that shapes a generation.  Our grandparents not only endured that hardship, but expected hardship as a part of life.  And not that there weren’t issue such as infidelity or spousal abuse, but the relationships that endured were often forged and tested in times of hardship.  And yes, I believe I was born in the wrong time. 😃

    2. 9.2
      Clare

      Henriette,

      ” “In a wiser society, prospective partners would put each other through detailed psychological questionnaires…”  This made me grin bc it reminded me of the torturously-long eHarmony questionnaire.  And in spite of eHarmony’s marketing claims, I’m not sure that couples who meet via their site are much less likely to divorce than couples who meet in less psychologically-directed ways.”

      In my opinion it has far more to do with possessing relationship skills than with your psychology/personality. Being in a relationship is, first and foremost, a set of skills. It can be likened to a full-time job which is very rewarding but which you have to know how to *do*. If you don’t possess skills which are a requirement for a relationship, such good communication, how to manage your insecurities, being able to be selfless and compromise, you are going to battle, no matter your personality.

      1. 9.2.1
        Clare

        Conversely, people who have excellent relationship skills and high EQ will probably find that they can “make it work” with a high number and variety of people, which gives them more choice.

      2. 9.2.2
        Joe

        A good buddy of mine met his wife through eHarmony.  He was probably the last one in our little group of friends that we thought would ever get married, but ended up being the first.

        1. Henriette

          Oh, I absolutely think that eHarmony can lead to a happy marriage, just as any online dating site – or other venue – can.  I’m just not sure if people who meet that way are statistically likely to have longer, happier marriages than people who meet via other means. 

  10. 10
    Anisah

    Hello I’m a 33 year old female

    Can I just add that for the past 5 years or more I have been doing a lot of what this article says we should be doing – looking for psychological compatibility… I was struck by how unaware a lot of the people of my age group were of how important this was.  Many guys thought I was completely bonkers that I cared so much about how one’s nature was… to the point I started thinking maybe I was mental!  So I am so relieved this article echoed my sentiments regarding the solid foundations for a good relationship.  I found asking questions was usually a waste of time as potential dates sugar coated everything.  So I started judging them by their actions instead.  It’s a great way to filter out time wasters.  And it is absolutely true that you need to be comfortable with being alone. Don’t let the fear of being alone let you suffer fools. 

  11. 11
    TransientDude

    I’d have to disagree with Evan. Moving in together before marriage is a waste of time. Your relationship will just have a higher rate of divorce and your relationship will more than likely break up before you even get to that point. I take my instructions concerning this type of thing straight from the bible. I noticed everyone in the bible who had a strong marriage that lasted until death do you part never consciously searched for a spouse. They were just content living life and the future wife and future husband appeared out of no where. Just like Adam and Eve. You can’t find Mr. Right or Mrs. RIght when you’re consciously looking for the person to fit that position. There’s to many variables, uncertainties,and external and internal deception to know if that person will go the distance with you or you with them.

    Really if you’re not born again and living a godly lifestyle you have no real standard to follow which will lead you to build impossible expectations that no human being can ever meet. You have to evolve spiritually, physically, and soulishly which requires daily submission to God. If submission to God is a drudgery don’t get married. You’ll ruin your marriage to whomever you marry regardless of the myriads of “perfect formulas” you follow

    1. 11.1
      Anon

      At last Transient Dude! Someone who knows the consequences of “shacking up” before marriage. If more people stopped doing this, there would be less chance of them getting divorced!!!! I know people will always do what’s best for them, but they have to deal with the fallout later. Thank God I NEVER got in that situation! 

  12. 12
    MG

    Hmm I too am guilty of some of the aforementioned idealisms listed in the article LOL while both me and my guy have some work to do, I will take responsibility for the butt of warped thinking. Being abandoned by my father at age 6 coupled with a series of bad relationships and family dysfunction did not help my quest in identifying what healthy relationship model should look like😣 but I am thankful that I have found someone that happens to have the ability to love me as I grow up …

     

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