How Can I Stay Married To A Man Who Flirts With Other Women?

How Can I Stay Married To A Man Who Flirts With Other Women?

I have been married for 15 years and my husband has always been attracted to very beautiful women/young girls. When we first started dating, I felt uncomfortable at how he would leer at other women in my presence, which made me feel that he wanted more. He is also into a lot of porn and it is the sites of really young girls that bother me the most.

He is a salsa dancer and always chooses the young sexy girls to dance with. We are in our mid-forties and sometimes I find his behavior repulsive. I have chosen to no longer go out to these places with him because I feel like I cannot compete with young 20-somethings…nor do I want to and he loves the attention he gets from being a good dancer.

When I approach him on his flirty behavior with women, he claims it is a sexual energy on the dance floor that he finds exciting, but it does not mean that he wants to sleep with them. My fear is what happens when one of them wants to sleep with him? He does not want to stop, yet he wants to stay in this marriage.

I do not want to be in a relationship like this and have let him know that I want to leave the marriage. He wants us to stay together with our son, yet continue this lifestyle. My question is this…am I just insecure or is he crossing the line when it comes to dancing with other women? If we do stay together what are so me boundaries that will make me feel safe in this marriage? –Candace

I have written extensively about this, so you should probably read a few of these posts.

And as much as many of my readers would tend to disagree, this isn’t nearly as black and white you might think. You’re emotionally caught up right now, Candace, and it’s hard to find an objective point of view.

While infidelity itself may be an absolute deal-breaker for your relationship, flirting itself may not be – especially within the context of an otherwise good marriage.

Now, you’ve left a lot out of your email that is important to consider. Without this information, it would be impossible for me to tell you what to do. So before you file for divorce, you should probably consider these mitigating factors from your devil’s advocate dating coach:

First of all, how is your marriage? It may seem like a silly question, given how upset you are, but apart from his interest in looking at/dancing with pretty women, what does the rest of your relationship look like? Is he a good provider? Does he spend a lot of time with you? Is he a solid communicator? Is he an available father? Does he have anger issues? Has he ever actually cheated on you or talked about a divorce?

All of this stuff matters, in my humble opinion.

Because while infidelity itself may be an absolute deal-breaker for your relationship, flirting itself may not be – especially within the context of an otherwise good marriage. And yes, I say this as a flirt and a good husband as well.

Next, let’s dive into his actual offenses:

He’s a good salsa dancer. You used to go with him. Now you don’t because he enjoys dancing with and impressing younger women. That opens up the door to more questions: does he leave you sitting alone while you’re out dancing? That would be rude, but can’t you just as easily dance with other men? As a former salsa dancer, I know that partners generally rotate, instead of staying with each other all night – especially in classes.

Which makes me wonder: are you just getting upset at what could be considered normal behavior? After all, salsa is an inherently sexy dance. Should your husband refuse to dance with women who are younger and prettier than you? Should he pretend not to enjoy himself with them because you feel insecure?

One CAN watch porn with younger women (and enjoy it) without acting on it. It’s pretty normal, as long as he’s not a porn addict and it hasn’t killed your sex life.

I know it’s hard to field these questions because you want to assume he’s guilty. Still, in the interest of objectivity, I have to go under the presumption of innocence until he’s PROVEN guilty. So what exactly does your husband do that is so repulsive? Does he ask these younger women for their phone numbers? Do they sit on his lap after the dance? Does he kiss them or squeeze their asses? Or does he, you know, just dance and smile and hug them after they’re done, which is pretty standard practice. Unless he’s doing any of those overtly sexual things, I would be forced to conclude that he’s enjoying salsa dancing the way it’s meant to be enjoyed.

Understand, Candace:

One CAN flirt with someone else (and enjoy it) without acting on it. It’s pretty normal, especially if a couple is secure in their relationship.

One CAN watch porn with younger women (and enjoy it) without acting on it. It’s pretty normal, as long as he’s not a porn addict and it hasn’t killed your sex life.

So what we’re really talking about here is getting clarity on his actual flirtatious behavior and weighing your own insecurity. I don’t know the answers to either.

I do know you’re assuming his behaviors are bad because you’re hurt by them.

But I have to ask if you’re being hurt by behaviors that aren’t inherently hurtful.

Would a more secure woman, like, say, my wife, laugh off the same things that are causing you to consider a divorce?

I don’t know the answer, because I don’t know the answer to the questions I’ve asked you above. However, before you do anything rash, I think that you need to assess your own level of security and weigh it against his actual behaviors (not his fantasies). Your husband may be insensitive but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a cheater and that you should throw out your marriage because of it.

And before we get started with the comments – if any woman is going to disagree with me below, remember, you don’t know the answers to Candace’s questions either. You just know that you’re sensitive to her needs and less sympathetic to her husband. Try being impartial and attempt to see how he MIGHT be innocent before you react to my call for more answers.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Karl S

    That’s also why Karl T was calling hypocrite. If you’re still judging your partner’s behavior to be wrong, no action but leaving will be right.

  2. 122
    Karmic Equation

    @Karl S
     
    In pool there’s a term called a 2-way shot. You shoot with the intention of making the Ball A into Pocket A, but if you miss, you might actually put Ball B into Pocket B.
     
    Let’s leave ANY judgment about the OP’s intention, ours or the OP’s, out of the action we’re proposing. Because remember, WE are the one’s who proposed this idea. OP did not come up with it herself.
     
    Dawn tells her, “Go forth and dance without your husband, try to enjoy yourself.” OP says, “Yes maam” — OP finds she loves dancing without her husband. She feels better about herself, her marriage. Cool. Her husband feels bad. Why isn’t she dancing with him. Why’s she having so much fun without him. — How OP REACTS to this happenstance is MORE important than why she did it. The why is in HER MIND (and ours because we put it there). The how she reacts determines what happens in her marriage.
     
    If the husband doesn’t care react, then all OP has to decide is whether she likes dancing enough to continue or whether she likes her husband enough to stay married.
     
    Gaining the data point is good. She can make a more informed decision.

  3. 123
    starthrower68

    It’s interesting that our OP does not mention if she believes her husband truly loves her; she only states that he says he wants to remain in the marriage for the sake of their son.  If there is that much tension between the two of them, I’m not sure that they are doing their son any favors by staying married.  While it is not my intention to be harsh or critical toward the OP, it appears she is seeking a magic bullet solution to get him to change and if she can’t, blessings to leave the marriage.  And while telling her to go dance with him, but with other men, seems like a good solution on the surface, I agree with the earlier response that says he will likely just think, “good she finally sees things my way”.  It is my *opinion* (because more info is needed) that his behavior really is as bad as she states, then she needs to leave him and be done with it.  His behavior may be wrong, it may be fine depending on what one’s moral filter is, but what we know for certain is she will not not change him by talking, sulking, coercing, flirting with other guys, etc.  If she truly feels he does not love her, but she also stays in the marriage for the sake of her son, then she certainly can detach from him emotionally and give him her blessing to dance, flirt, and have sex with whomever he wants.  She can build a life on her own.  

  4. 124
    judy

    Sparkling Emerald 20 – yes indeed.  I don’t know this kind of dancing but it would be kinda fun to have discreet private lessons to be absolutely fabulous on the dance floor and to have “moves” that the 20 year olds don’t know yet.
    I’d also dress as hot as hell and be with him.  Yep.
    So let them flirt with him – I’d make sure I was 100 times better (and it is HER husband so she has an advantage!)

  5. 125
    Lidia

    When a person flirts they open a bit of themselves up to a person. When they are single is more accepted because they are searching for the person they are trying to match with. Mingling privacies are needed for that search to some degree. 
    When a person in a relationship flirts they are still opening themselves up to others and in turn closing their significant other out just a little. It’s not just emotional but spiritual as well. The problem is not one of insecurity as much as it is of sanctity. There’s definitely a hurt that goes with that, being man or woman. Its offensive to the one with the problem because they were told all those things and felt special. They grew a bond that they’ve been shown it’s not just between them anymore. When those same special communications are transpired to another it takes the power away. They are no longer as special to their significant other and it becomes plain as day. Its also embarrassing and humiliating, even when its not so clear. Outsiders see it, it shows on the flirter. The other partner now is directly affected. These are negative energies. That’s when insecurities are bread.  This is where confidence needs to be strong. It always will come to are you strong enough to deal with it or will it break what you have. See you will never change anyone, even in communicating you will not change anything. In doing that you give the ultimatum for your partner to make the choice to either stop or now hide it. If they do stop they are now not being themselves, if they hide it, it will grow stronger insecurities. Either way it comes down to you, the one it bothers. How you handle it will be the determining factors. If the problem is brought to the attention of the other it will be fought automatically. All anyone can do is look past it or watch it.  Honestly the only reason it began to bother you was because you noticed a change in your partner that aroused a curiosity to look. If you’re truly bothered and know that this will continue because its part of your significant other. 
    One of 2 things will happen from this point… either nothing and it stays the same or things progress and get worse. If you see its getting worse and interfering then its time to let go, but first ask yourself is it interfering because you are letting it or because it really is. If not then you will have to get over it and accept your partner for who they are. In doing this never expect them to understand this. They won’t. It has to come down to you. 

  6. 126
    Ges

    @Whatsgoingon
    “strange men have their paws on you and leer at your boobs and butt and try to flirt with you.”
    That’s not what salsa is about. Salsa is not a sexual dance! As for equating salsa with porn..
    Also, too many people still think that porn is sexuality. Porn is COMMERCIALISED sexuality!! This is not the same as natural and sane sexuality. On a side note there are many psychological dangers associated with frequently consuming porn and it has indeed distroyed many relationships for various reasons! Anyway, it’s difficult to say anything about this without actually knowing this guy and having observed him, in his life and while dancing salsa. Only his wife can know the answer in my opinion while taking into accoutn her own feelings about this and of what she is willing to live with. Even if he doesn’t cheat, maybe this is just too much for her. Some people are more jealous as others. Maybe she fears that he might fantasize about this woman and rather be with them than with her even if he doesn’t cheat. So I think her feelings are legitimate and it’s definitvely wrong to call her immature. We are all different, some people can live with this while others can’t.

  7. 127
    JoJOe

    PASS THE SALSA PLEASE
    Note: I was not married to this schmuck of a flirt gone wild.
    Creativity and humor are also a part of life.  People “ARG” way toooooo much.
    Here’s what to do:  Here’s actually what I did … But I knew I was leaving for good.
    Day One: Nuance, clean your purse in front of him.  nonchalantly pull out business cards with mens names written on the back, pull out packs of condoms, especially black ones and flavoured ones.  “Oh, I was at the women’s show, is all”  freebies, just FREEBIES…  then describe the sizes, stare on them, fan your face with them. Be wearing your sexiest and say you have to go grocery shopping. Kiss, Smile, leave. 
    Day Two, Three, Four…   No Contact (but oooo he will be calling)
    Day Five:  When he’s not looking
    Place a stack of lingerie on his bed with this note “In case you need to find your inner Russell Williams”  Write “call me for a good time” on the bathroom mirror in lipstick.  the number 911 or other.. no matter.. Place a dime on the bed stand note “For last week”  On the kitchen table his fave bottle of wine, note “Drink me, if you trust me” (Knowing he loved his wine and this would be hard to resist) 
    Le piece de resistance  (Only if you’re leaving for good)  A bit of hand cream in a condom in the garbage in the bathroom.  
    Done and doner… I’m not penny stock my friend, my name is not even Penny like you called me last month.. ha..

  8. 128
    JoJOe

    The aftermath:  He called and called, knocked on the door, emailed, texted.  You name it, he did it.. Me, nothing, ziltch, zero, I’d even sit behind the door and count the minutes than go back to business.  He tried for more then 4 weeks, then it dwindled, then nothing.  I got back my dignity through a harmless display of “wake UP”  but don’t wake up for me, for yourself.  Message sent, understood?  Not my problem anymore. I wish him luck, release the karma, understand my lesson and move forward.  I still wear sunglasses to protect my vision, but they are no longer rose tinted. 

  9. 129
    JoJOe

    Bottle of wine 32.oo, Condoms, 20.00, Lingerie 75.00. oh and 10 cents.
    My dignity, PRICELESS

  10. 130
    Mel

    This woman is in her mid forties, a very powerful time to examine her life and embrace what she wants to continue or discard what is holding her back. This is all very normal and a wonderful time to make positive changes in a woman’s life. Basically people change, what was ok 15 years ago might not feel ok now.
    If she is uncomfortable with his need for young female affirmation or his pleasure in their sexual energy she need not feel she needs to ask other’s for their opinions because they do not live her experience, she can trust herself and make a decision that is empowering for her. If that involves leaving her husband because  she feels diminished by his actions she need not believe she is insecure but rather that it’s not working anymore since their needs are not compatible any longer.
    He may be a good husband in some areas but this is not her heart issue, which is what is being discussed here. She may well blossom and grow away from this, while respecting his desire to meet his needs. Many women leave their husbands in their forties, not because they are insecure but because after examining their past and values they decide they don’t want to live in a way that doesn’t reflect their own values. 

  11. 131
    Cassandra

    I have the same problem. It didn’t bother me at first, then it kept getting in the way of our relationship, then it bothered me on and off and then it really got to me and I’ve asked him to quit more than 10 times, he would say he’d quit and then I’d find out he was doing it again not long after. After 3 years of this tug of war (how long we’ve been together) I am extremely hurt and insecure, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust him again. When he feels the need to hide and lie about it and does it all the time behind your back, there’s more going on. He swears there isn’t anything going on, but why hide and lie about it if there isn’t anything going on? I can’t figure it out and after all these fights and crying and everything, at this point, it’s all up in the air whether or not I’ll ever trust him again. It never entered my mind about him even LOOKING at other girls, now I catch myself watching his eyes and trying to look perfect and feeling like one ugly piece of crap. If he had quit after the first time, I wouldn’t be going through this. I don’t know where you draw the line of being forgiving or being a doormat. I’m still trying to figure it out.

    1. 131.1
      Karmic Equation

      Cassandra,
      Once you started feeling bad in a relationship, it’s on you to GET OUT of it. It’s not incumbent on HIM to change so that YOU feel better.
      If you’ve told him, more than once, and he’s re-offended that many times, your heartache and insecurity is of your own making.
      Get out now and, while you’ll be sad, lonely, and miss his sorry *ss, you’ll start to regain your dignity. And in time, your self-esteem.

  12. 132
    Cassandra

    There definitely needs to be boundaries, or it’ll get out of control. Just like it did with me.

  13. 133
    Bobby Goldstein

    Listen to me very carefully,
    If I were you I would divorce him.  Porn is sexual infidelity in my book and if I ever find this man I swear on my mothers life I will kill him.  Just sayin
    Bobstar

  14. 134
    petitlapin

    Fascinating discussion, all! Does anyone else wonder what the OP ended up doing? I know I do. :) 

    Karls and Karmic Equation: I really, really like all the points you all made.

    Karl T – thank you for posting the most rational arguments for every point that I’ve ever seen here (other than Evan’s)!  We need more like you. I agreed with you 150%. 

    Karmic Equation –  Like you, I only go to guy friends now for advice. My girl friends have worn out their welcome with their “You’re being treated like a doormat! Don’t take that! Men have no respsect! They’re all horrible!” comments, ad nauseum (and yeah – they are all single, or just beginning to learn what I have already learned about what Evan teaches us here). I have the same experience you do with my guy friends: they’re honest; they usually tell me I’m making myself the victim and “knock it off,” and they do stand up for me if my man is truly in the wrong. Good stuff.

    Dawn, and KE: I appreciate that you both were attempting to empower her by telling her, “G’on girl! Git out there and do your thang!” Your hearts were in the right place. :) However, unless she’s truly in love with salsa, she should do whatever it is that makes her light shine,  no matter what happens with her man. I should know. 

    I was married for 10 years and insecure the entire time.

    I had a husband who had a passion, which I did ask him to quit. I’ve been where the OP was (but it didn’t take me as long). I used loaded terms like “compromise in the name of a relationship” and “If you loved me, you’d make me more important than your passion.” So he dropped his band. He quit playing music in a band, his passion, because I was insecure, overweight, and hated that other (younger, hotter) women ogled him at shows (and he looked back! The nerve!!!! :) ). Yep, I was that girl. I made it all about looks and threw trust out the window. Looking equalled cheating. Porn was DEFINITELY cheating!!! He asked me to act in kind, and I quit my dancing hobby. We stayed home ALL. THE. TIME. 

    Let me tell you all how GREAT that turned out: we fell out of love, began resenting the hell out of each other and finally divorced. Couldn’t come soon enough. I was (as I mentioned) very overweight, miserable, convinced my life was over at 33. Thank God it had only just begun. 

    Now, the silver lining: I got myself back. I began dancing again and found a new hobby I loved: hiking! I happened to lose 50 pounds and for the first time in my life, I was incredibly physically fit. My light was turned on again. I was responsible for my own happiness – and I was happy as hell! So it’s not surprising that I fell deeply, deeply in love with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Guess what? He’s tall, dark, and handsome (even at 40, he gets stared at by 20-somethings all the time!). He’s a flirt. He’s also an independent man with many hobbies he’s passionate about – some of which (hiking, backpacking, camping) I share with him.  He’s gone a lot for one of the others (fishing – he’s on a four-day trip right now :)), and that has taught me trust. It’s the first time in my life that I trust a man. Sad, but true! Hey, better now than never…And oh yeah, he is CRAZY about me. He knows how amazing I am and finally, so do I. I’ve finally met my match. And he’s taught me so much. :)

    Moral of the story? I would never, EVER ask someone I love to drop ANY of his passions just because they make me insecure (I learned that lesson the hard way). I would NEVER ask him to quit flirting, because it’s who he is and part of the reason I fell in love with him!  I own my insecurities. Do I realize that sometimes, while out fishing, my boyfriend and his brothers end up at a bar or in a  campsite where there are 20-something girls around, who may come over and share their fire/some beers with them? Sure. He’s even told me about it happening! But I trust him. And I’m happy for him – I don’t believe he’d act on it, and I know he enjoys the attention. This does not make him a cad – it makes him who he is. But I’m okay with that. :)

    For the OP – heck, I don’t know if her husband is a cad. We only heard her side of the story. We only saw through her potentially tained lens. Is he an arse? Yeah, could be. Is she like I was, more and more threatened and less and less secure with herself, because she’s dropped all hobbies and anything to bolster her own self-worth? Could be. I’m not here to judge, but to say…we women need to take a LOT more accountability for our own happiness.  That said, she’s damn unhappy. Talk to him. Use “I” statements. “When you openly flirt with women in front of me (age shouldn’t matter), I feel disrespected.” Or better yet – maybe this is about more: “I feel like you spend so much time on salsa and porn lately, and we haven’t even had a romantic night out in ages. Could we go out to dinner, just the two of us? Maybe I’ll get some sexy lingerie and we could rent a hotel room…” etc. Just a thought. 

    Thanks, EMK, for all of your wisdom and insight. You are so right, and thank you for being the voice of reason that women are actually listening to. :)
     

  15. 135
    candace

    Firstly I would like to give a few more facts on my marriage with my salsa dancer husband.  
    -15 years ago I met my husband through dancing.. we started with ballroom, then argentine tango .
    -five years into the marriage I became pregnant
    – when I went into labour, my husband was doing a dance performance in another city… he did not rush home for the birth of his son….two weeks later I discovered he was involved with the woman that he was performing with.  
    – He wanted to end our marriage then, and I was prepared to divorce him but he then came back wanting to make our marriage work.  I forgave him but found it difficult to trust again. 
    -for the next 10 years he continued to dance and I was okay with it until I found pictures that he had taken secretly of women and their private parts, including pics of my sister.  
    – he also would not introduce me to the salsa people and his Facebook page would never include pics of me but only of him and the women he danced with, his son, and his family.  
    – he no longer sleeps in our bedroom or initiates sex and claims it is because of how I make him feel ( like a pervert)  which I may have done as a result of finding all of the disturbing pictures. 
    So in light of these facts, yes I am insecure and I do not trust him.   I have been a faithful wife and I am still attractive while in my mid- 40 ‘s, and I am a very good dancer myself… I just do not enjoy dancing as much as he does.   He goes dancing 3-4 times a week and does not come home until 3 am each time and he continues to do performances with others even on special days like valentine’s day or our anniversary.  As for the porn, he visits it daily and is in no way interested in me joining him.  This is a very secretive thing for him.  

    Yes , I could dance with other men, but I don’t enjoy doing sexual dances with other men and prefer to just dance with my husband…but I guess in our over sexualized world I don’t fit in.  I am disheartened when I hear that dancing sexual dances with the opposite sex and flirting is ” just normal behavior” for married people.  

    1. 135.1
      Karmic Equation

      Divorce him, Candace.

      He’s an ass.

      You deserve better.

  16. 136
    Dawn

    I haven’t read through all of the posts on this, but I think I have a pretty good understanding of the situation.  I think the fact that he won’t include pictures of his wife on FB, yet includes other pictures is inconsiderate and concealing.  Having a passion for dancing is one thing, having emotional affairs constantly with other women and taking nude pics of them is something entirely different (completely disrespectful and effed up! dude, you’re married!!). 
    Everyone loves the feeling of being acknowledged and admired, and to still feel like they’ve ‘got it’, as they get older.  There also needs to be enough self-esteem, and respect for your partner to know when to draw the line.  Her husband has blatantly disregarded that line, on many occasions and won’t even acknowledge her as his wife on his FB.  Okay, okay… I know, it’s only FB, but let’s face it, people.  Facebook is HUGE.  It’s social media.  If you’re concealing/hiding those that are close to you on your personal FB page, yet include everything else about you… what is that saying?  What’s the difference if you went out to a club, bar, wherever…. and you take off your wedding band?  It says the same thing.  You don’t want to come off looking like you’re married and/or attached.  How unbelievably effed up and disrespectful is that?
    What do you love about this man so much, that you’re willing to sacrifice your precious time, your life, on some man who is clearly too insecure and ego-centric to realize he is disrespecting his wife? to her face?  He does it because you’re allowing it.  He can do whatever he chooses, however, how much are you willing to lose your self-respect and deal with this nonsense?
    Innocent flirting, I think that’s fine.  But taking nude pictures of women he’s dancing with?? not okay.  Definitely NOT.  And dancing on Valentine’s Day and other holidays AND…let’s not forget, he was having an emotional affair while you were giving birth to your only child!!!??? wth??
    For myself, I was in a similar situation in a relationship where my ex boyfriend was a lead singer in a band, always flirting with other women (had cheated, a few times.. (really, what was I thinking??)), never committed to me in 10 years, and never put pictures up of me on his FB (“it’s about my music”…yea, sure, lol…).  Needless to say, I finally moved on.  And an awesome man walked into my life.  He is definitely on the same page as I am.  He is in sales, has a huge personality, attractive, funny, etc… he’s got it all, in my eyes.  I KNOW that when he is innocently flirting (and it’s barely flirting), he has me right there with him, complimenting me to whoever he’s talking to.  It’s awesome.  I don’t have to worry… is what I’m saying.
    When someone loves you, and respects you… and you know they have good character and only interested in nurturing your relationship, you can trust them to go out with friends, business trips, dancing… you get the point. 
    I don’t blame you for putting up a wall with your husband.  He created that distrust.  However, you need to either completely let go of it, and start fresh (in mind, and emotions – and w/o telling him), or you eventually move on to a man that makes you feel completely cherished.  I have it.  And I can tell you it feels wonderful not worrying about what someone is doing behind your back all the time.  My opinion… get rid of him.  Go create a wonderful life for you and your son.  Life is too short to waste it on short-minded, ego-centric people.  Also, ask yourself… what about your husband do you love? being funny, smart, a good dancer?… that’s all ‘surface’ qualities.  The kind that gives you butterflies, like in high school.  You’re not in HS anymore.  Is there respect there? does he make you feel cherished, desired, and loved completely? …really question why you love him.  And if you can’t come up with much other than superficial qualities… it may be time to think about moving on for good.  Good luck :)

  17. 137
    Candace

    Just want to clarify that he did not take  nude pictures, rather the pictures were taken secretively and the women were unaware that he was taking pictures of  their butts and their crotches… under tables, while they were dancing…..  
     

  18. 138
    Dear Cadance

    IMO !!!  Cadance needs very serious communication.  
    Cadance, I think you are on the right path.
    Is my husband behaving in a socially NORMALLY accepted fashion?
    The answer is NO.  He is strongly exhibiting unlawful deviant behavior. 
    You may be catching on slowly because these behaviors increase slowly.
    You are possibly afraid of your thoughts and discoveries, thus the under the radar “virtual” world for seeking help.  But yes, you’ve repeated your question 3 times and yes, you have good reason to now seek the appropriate authorities.  I can validate your concern and you may have to do some serious police work of your own.  You do not sound like an insecure lady, you sound like a women who may be reading a map to misfortune.  So yes, you have every reason to clarify your suspicions, seek answers.
    You should start by retracing your relationship from the beginning.  Read up on voyeurism and deviant behavior as stated under the criminal code.  
    Don’t become paranoid or jump to conclusions.  You’ve started under the radar keep it there for a while.  But understand that as in abusive relationships that gradually worsen, so does sexual criminal activity.  Take care, be safe, remain clear and a personal thank you for what may stop a spiral to serious injury to others.  

     

  19. 139
    Suzanne

    Wow, I think you are so off base I don’t even know where to begin…  Ok, forget about whether their
    marriage is stable or not… There is a simple rule that can be followed and that is the no ‘ s have it.  In other words if the wife is uncomfortable with her husband dancing  with anyone, then he should accept & respect her wishes.  The same could be said if one spouse wants, children and the other spouse does not; the
    no ‘s have it.  It is not a sacrifice, but rather a compromise.   Now, the decision of whether or not to raise kids should of been decided during  the courtship, prior to marriage.  It is irrelevant that salsa is a sexy dance requiring sexy dancers! 
     

  20. 140
    Donna Marie

    I think this last comment from whatsgoingon is absolutely dead on target for the reality of the situation.
    This woman is hurting inside and he should care. Whether it is irrational or not. He should care more and try
    harder to be respectful of his wife and her feelings.

  21. 141
    Don

    I think he is very insecure deep down inside! He needs attention to make himself feel attractive. He should be satisfied with you but he is not which in my opinion he has a problem! He should be more sensitive to your needs but he seems to only care about his! I know because my wife is the same way but only under different circumstances. Life is way to short so cut him loose and find someone that will make you feel special!

  22. 142
    janet

    Why does it have to be insecure? What is wrong with not liking flirting? It is so disrespectdul to flirt in front of your wife. Dance once in a while, getting old theres no need to obsess with it and be willing to throw your wife away. Insecure or not shes expressed it hurts her and instead of taking it down a notch he takes it up…not cool. And porn!! Really, your considered insecure if your bothered by your husband watching porn? What a load Of crap! Id like to think that my husband is in love w me…all of me and his eyes are for me. Sex and love are intended for that couple. Im so sick of everyone showing their bodies and their sex acts, there is no shame or modesty…what should be reserved for your lover is public and its bull shit. So while you can give more info and answer queations all you care to or not here my piece of advice: choose your battles sweeety, sometimes you have to bite your tongue cuz its really really not worth the fight. But when it is worth it, you fight and you fight hard. If he literally chooses a sport or a hobby over you, his princess well fuck him! Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be loved and respected.

  23. 143
    Larson Tory

    “I say this as a flirt and a good husband as well”
    A.K.A.  I’m going to continue to flirt to keep my options open, whether I”m dating or not. 
    That’s precisely what’s going on, whether you admit to it, or not. 
    It’s unacceptable and very disrespectful.   This is a black/white issue.  Don’t try to beat around the bush.
     
    I’m a man,dating a woman.  This is part of mutual respect – not flirting with members of the opposite sex.  If I’m disrespected by a woman I’m dating who flirts with other men – it’s over.

    1. 143.1
      Karmic Equation

      There’s flirting and there’s flirting. I flirt all the time.. I put any interaction with the opposite sex that elicits a smile, chuckle, grimace, or eye roll, “flirting”. Flirting does NOT have to have sexual undertones.
       
      I don’t see anything wrong with telling a 74 year old guy “you’re too old for me” with a smile and a wink, if it makes him smile. In the same way I’ll tell a 24-yo guy, “You’re too young for me, cub.” Of course, when I’m in a relationship, these interactions are done either with my man watching me (and I give him a smile and wink to include him in the joke) or if I flirt when he’s not around, I make sure I interject somewhere in the interaction I have a bf. 
       
      Flirting is harmless, depending on the intent of the flirter. If a man or woman flirts intending to get the other sex aroused, then that’s not cool, if either of them are in a relationship. However, flirting to elicit smiles or good-natured groans, is all good. Even 74 yo men need to feel they still got it. lol
       
      Most men and women flirt ONLY when they find the other party attractive. And they only know how to flirt with sexual undertones. So if they see their partners flirting, they assume that their partners find the other party attractive. The goal of a good flirt is to make the other person smile and feel good. Not to get in their pants.
       
      If that’s not the way YOU flirt, you’re not a good flirt.
       
      And when a good flirt finds someone attractive, it’s not that difficult to kick flirtation into the next gear. And with or without sexual undertones, the attraction will be clear to the flirtee.

    2. 143.2
      Wendy

      @Larson Tory #143: Spot on! Flirting is all about keeping your options open so that when the relationship he’s currently in fails (which it will, sooner or later, when the wife finally grows a ball and leaves the idiot for someone who respects her), he can smoothly move right in on his next target to minimize the time spent not having sex. I’ve known more than a few flirters in my life and they’re all the same. When married/taken men flirt with me I’m just so grossed out! Doesn’t matter if he’s a Brad Pitt lookalike–it’s just–GROSS!

  24. 144
    niki

    thats a load of rubbish..flirting is rude.I dont care how secure u r with urself or ur relationship. For u to ask how her relationship is aside from his constant leering and flirting.what do u think?I’m positive he’s cheating on her if she’s stopped going out with him because she’s ashamed to be seen with this middle aged horn dog.now he has nothing to lose..hes most def gonna chest if given the opportunity. Men r dogs they think with their little heads..sadly. 

  25. 145
    Fee

    If a man wants to only dance with young women, and flirts with younger women your marriage is in trouble Candace.  

    Have a look at Marriage Builders.com for some sane advice.  

    Evan – to tell someone that your partner CAN watch porn is irresponsible.  Have you ever seen Linda Lovelace and how she now campaigns against the porn industry?  Have you seen what the porn industry does to people? Evan – you are in the wrong job, you are giving, irresponsible, dangerous advice.  

    1. 145.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Tell that to the thousands of women I’ve helped, Fee. If you think that everyone who watches porn is somehow deviant, you will be cutting off a LOT of very normal men who can make for potentially great life partners. If you don’t see it that way, that’s fine, but if anyone is giving bad advice, it’s you – telling women to panic and overreact to the many, many, many men who use porn the way they drink alcohol, occasionally and responsibly.

  26. 146
    jodi

    I can understand where she is coming from. My husband of six months flirts with every woman that is around. He makes him self known and get pretty overboard with dirty jokes and even thinks its ok to text and talk to other women. We do not have an active sex life because he says he has lost interest at 52. Would he cheat if the opportunity arose, i would hope not. He likes to check out young girls and makes sure I know he likes what he sees. Yes it hurts and only the petson dealing with it can decide how they want to handle the situation.

  27. 147
    Tammy

    My husband has been a huge flirt for 36 years, I would say flirting is dangerous to a marriage. When one mate in a marriage is a flirt and needs to flirt for whatever reason they say, and the other mate doesn’t like it and wants them to stop, then there told its harmless or there just a jealous person that’s where its wrong. Whether it is flirting or something else when one person chooses to do something they know their partner is against it will cause problems, the other person will only feel and suffer as they do it is only logical and there will be resentments and other things that may take time but they will happen. The thing being when one person in what is suppose to be about two peoples relationship, feels their needs or desires to do something is more important the other person’s feelings it is only going to have damaging effects . When united in marriage it is about 2 becoming 1. It is a total lack of respect, caring, regard for anothers feelings, if the other person is hurt by this how can this be good for a marriage.

    1. 147.1
      Karmic Equation

      You married a flirt and then you want him to change.

      If you didn’t want to be married to a flirt, then you shouldn’t have married him. Don’t blame him that you’re hurt.

      You changed the rules on him.

  28. 148
    Perfect Timing

    Candace, after 32 years of marriage, I too am going through something similar. However, I truly trusted my husband and believed that he was only having fun until six years and two children into our marriage. We went to New Orleans with friends for the weekend to celebrate his birthday. My husband began flirting with a random attractive woman who reciprocated his flirting. It turned into a five hour dance marathon with inappropriate and disrespectful physical touching that I witnessed as I sat on the sidelines. In shock and disbelief I finally got the courage to leave without him while witnessing him kissing this woman goodbye on the lips chasing after me and begging me for forgiveness. After serious contemplation of my options and how it would affect my children, I decided to stay. Fast forward to today. My children are grown and happy responsible adults beginning their own independent lives. Because my husband never gave up his “fun” behavior although he did have “new boundaries”, I became more insecure in our marriage and NOT myself. He now is seeking counseling because since he decided to have another “FUN” evening at our daughter’s wedding reception with a 45 year old ex co-worker of my daughter’s (grinding their chests while dancing and kissing her goodbye also) I have taken steps to dissolve our marriage. He NOW feels threatened! It’s still all fresh. Needless to say our children are very upset. I struggle to get through each day and have a ping pong game going on in my head. However, I believe that Dawn #77 and LifeReel #78 are right, it is now time for me to take care of myself and my needs. I truly wish you Candace happiness and peace!!!

    1. 148.1
      Karmic Equation

      He overstepped a reasonable boundary that first time. Married men cannot kiss non-relatives on the lips. He really shouldn’t kiss any relative on the lips, but I believe it is acceptable in some cultures.

       

      And instead of kicking him to the curb for this DEALBREAKING behavior, you forgave him. That was big of you. But it was not the right message.

       

      Anytime a man exhibits a dealbreaking behavior, e.g., cheating, kissing non-relatives on lips counts as cheating, covering up felonies, etc., you need to react appropriate. Letting your crazy out on dealbreaking behaviors is quite appropriate. Yell, scream, rant, rave, threaten, separate. Do what you have to do to make sure he gets your message loud and clear.

       

      But you do this ONLY for dealbreaking behaviors…meaning that he’s very clear you WILL end the relationship if he EVER exhibits such behavior again. And you need to carry through on ending the relationship. If you forgive him again, he’ll know you didn’t mean it. You’re not a woman of your word and he WILL walk all over you…again. And you will have no one to blame but yourself.

       

      Implement a two-strike rule on dealbreaking behaviors. Forgive the first time, if you truly want to. But you get out on the 2nd time. This preserves your sense of self-esteem. And it sends a clear message that you mean what you say and are not a doormat.

       

      But make no mistake. You HAVE TO make a big stink that first time. If you’re “cool” about a dealbreaking behavior the first time, he won’t be disincentivized to trying it again.

  29. 149
    GG

    I don’t get it.  People will always flirt its what is in us .  Acting on that is a matter of choice.  You can’t stop someone from acting out by trying to control and police every action.  We want to change people and we can’t.  Stop living in fear that he will cheat.  If you can’t handle the persons flirtatious personality than leave.  We put to much focus on what the other person is doing.  Not enough attention on what makes you happy.  Nothing wrong with flirting.

  30. 150
    Robin

    Evan, you flirt and your wife is okay with it?  Both of those things are just wrong.  Your flirtatiousness should only be with your wife.    But if your wife is okay with it, then have at it I guess.

    1. 150.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      We trust each other and the flirting is mild and without intent. Secure people in good relationships aren’t threatened by benign behavior.

    2. 150.2
      Karmic Equation

      Robin,

      The problem is that MOST people think that flirting conveys sexual intent. For some people that is the ONLY time they flirt.

      For other people to whom flirting comes naturally, you can flirt with a 5 year old boy without saying a word. I did this when a little boy who was with his mom, stared at me a long time. I suspect he had never seen an Asian female before. I gave him a wink. He then immediately turned to his mom and exclaimed, “Mom, that lady WINKED at me!!” And mom and I made eye contact and smiled.

      I’ve flirted with 80 year old men, whom I found FAR from attractive. They might say something like, “If I were 20 years younger…” and I’d give them a bright smile and say “You, flirt, you! You must have been a heartbreaker then because you still are now.”

      Not all flirting, in fact, most flirting by good flirts, have nothing to do with sex or sexual interest. It’s just another way to make others feel good and attractive about themselves and have nothing to do with the sexual interest or intent of the flirter.

      1. 150.2.1
        Valerie

        A great explanation. :)

      2. 150.2.2
        Robin

        Maybe so, but the fact that most people DO think it conveys sexual intent, is the reason a husband should not do it.   It can open the door to a problem.  Some women will go along with the flirting, and they don’t care if the man is married or not.   ESPECIALLY, when he doesn’t even flirt to that extent with his wife.  I’m sorry, that’s not acceptable.

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