How Do You Know Why Someone Wants To Marry You?

Dear Evan,

I have been dating this guy for 6 months and I think I am pregnant. He has picked up on it and is extremely happy. He talks about it a lot. I haven’t done a test yet because I have only felt this way for 4-5 days. He is 36 and no kids and has never been married. I have an 8 year old daughter and am divorced. We have touched on the surface of marriage before and talked about it. I guess my question is how can I tell if I am pregnant that he is marrying me for me or because I am going to have his baby?

He was in a relationship before me that lasted for 5 years and they broke up. He has been apart from her for up to a year. I just want to know that he is marrying me for the right reasons. We both have talked about having kids together and marriage someday. My first marriage we got married because I was pregnant and I don’t want to fall in that trap again. My daughter is my life and I only want the best for us all.

Lisa

The unusually good news that’s being lost in your email is this:

The man who got you pregnant is extremely happy and wants to marry you.

Do you know how many pregnant women pray for such a man?

You didn’t twist his arm. You didn’t threaten him with child support. You didn’t give him any ultimatums. It sounds to me like you had an accident and this guy is deciding to treat it as a happy accident.

But your question is a good one, as it touches on something more universal than being pregnant.

How do you know WHY someone wants to be with you?

What’s interesting is that some people, like you, care about a person’s motivation. Others are more concerned with the end result. “I’m gonna have a ring on my finger? Sweet. Where do I sign up?”

I think the arenas in which this question of motivation surfaces most often are with beautiful women and wealthy men.

There are women who’d be appalled at being considered a trophy wife, yet there are those who readily (greedily?) embrace the role. There are men who refuse to list their incomes when registering on dating sites, yet there are those who willingly flaunt their credentials on WealthyMen and MillionaireMatch. None of these people can ever be sure if someone is enamored with them or their tangible assets.

The real question for these people is whether it matters.Motivation matters for most of us. We want to be loved, respected and accepted for who we are. We have a ton of flaws and it’s wonderful when we can find someone who will put up with them. Of course, we don’t spend much time thinking about our own issues. Instead, we focus on the problems in the people we date. All of us want someone who is attractive, kind, honest, successful, generous, fit, creative, and low-maintenance – even if we are not all of those things ourselves.

This is why we’re still single.

But a few people have a trump card, which, in certain cases, can override all of their flaws. If a man is rich enough or a woman is beautiful enough, he or she can often get away with being less kind, self-aware, communicative, and emotionally accessible…. People put up with crap from rich men and beautiful women that they wouldn’t put up with from anyone else. And rich men and beautiful women know it.

So whether you’re talking about extreme money or extreme looks, you’re talking about a great equalizing factor that is the only thing that allows certain people to find partnership. And you know what? For a domineering and tempestuous entrepreneur, or an insecure and dim ingénue, maybe it really doesn’t matter why they’re married.

He gets his showpiece, she gets her diamonds, and both get the relationship they deserve.

But for people of depth – the beautiful woman with the heart of gold, the wealthy man who values conversation over cars – this is always going to be a lingering question: Why does this person want to be with me?

Which brings us back to you, Lisa.

Would your boyfriend have proposed to you after six months if you weren’t pregnant? Probably not. But the fact that you got pregnant, followed by his immediate joyous reaction that he wants to marry you to create a family, seems to be a pretty good indicator that he truly loves you

Yes, things have been sped up a bit unnaturally. But unless you have issues with him that might break you up – he’s a cheater, he’s financially unstable, he doesn’t wear deodorant – I wouldn’t spend much time worrying about why he’s with you.

Instead, I’d focus on making your relationship into a success – rather than rushing into marriage. And if, in six months, he’s not the man he seemed to be, you won’t be legally entangled the way you were with your first husband.

Congratulations, good luck, and stay in touch…

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Comments:

  1. 1
    BeenThruTheWars

    Damn… wish I’d known about WealthyMen and MillionaireMatch when I was dating. (JUST KIDDING, EVAN…) :-)

  2. 2
    Collins

    Today, unlike in bygone days, just because you’ve either gotten pregnant or made someone thus doesn’t mean you should marry that person. Couples who marry for that reason tend not to think about compatibility regarding money, religion, child-rearing, etc, & thus tend to get divorced sooner or later.

  3. 3
    Laura

    The reason should be so easy, He is a great guy and your a great woman. People are so hung up on looks, money, education when it comes to marriage. But what happen to the reason “I just Love you enough to ask”! I have great times with you! I love you just because! You have a great personaility, smile, laugh, and you are in my thoughts everyday! What happen to the way we love one another, is it gone?

  4. 4
    Lydia

    I’m one of those women who would have loved for my unexpected pregnancy to have been looked at as a “happy accident”. When I got pregnant at age 41 after knowing this great guy for only 3 months,I got encouraged to have an abortion, but he still pretty much maintained the status quo of our friendship for 4 1/2 more months before he dumped me cold turkey after I pressed him for a commitment (he had been up and down emotionally and I wanted him to stabilize for both of our sakes–bad move, I know). So, I didn’t lay eyes on him for the last half of my pregnancy and spoke with him very little. We had a happy outcome.  He fell in love with his daughter and we have a good co-parenting relationship, which I am thankful for–although I’d really like MORE.  I really felt cared for by him before the pregnancy (he gave me lots of time and attention and took me on great dates and we had great conversation and “fun” and he even told me he cared a lot for me), though he didn’t see me as having wife potential for him (wasn’t ready to marry a divorced, older woman with kids), but if the pregnancy had inspired him to “make an honest woman out of me”, I would have been grateful. Maybe the same thoughts as you have would have crossed my mind, but I don’t think I would have dwelled on them.

  5. 5
    Pam

    Here’s some words of wisdom from an old timer who’s seen a lot.  NEVER and I repeat NEVER marry a man who only wants to marry you because you’re pregnant.  HELLO HELLO, if he loves you then he’d want to marry you and then work on having you’re children not get pregnant with my kid first and then I’ll marry you because you’re giving me something I want and if you don’t then I’ll just get another woman to be my baby machine for the time being.  GROW A BRAIN

  6. 6
    Pam

    And once again GROW A BRAIN it’s woman like thos who always have to knock themselves up everytime they just happen to start seeing someone that make it just that much harder for us women who are trying to be desent to find a desent man who wants a woman just for herself. And those are seldom “ACCIDENTS” there is such a thing as birth control, if you’re doing the dirty deed without protection then where’s the “ACCIDENT”?? If you’re standing outside in the rain without an unbrella are you really surprised if you wind up getting wet??

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