I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?

Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. –Maya

Aw, Jesus, Maya.

You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.

“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?

I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.

You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

“A certain type of face seems attractive”?

I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.

Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…

“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”

So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.

Got it.

My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.

Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.

This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.

Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.

And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?

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Comments:

  1. 61
    David T

    Get.
    Divorced.
    Now.

    I married out of a sense of obligation and a belief I would “grow to love her.”  Well, even if she hadn’t been emotionally and physically violent, I have my doubts. 

    This is going to be hard to hear. Accepting it and not taking it personally is the best thing you can do for damage control, because that is where you are.  People are going to lose and suffer no matter how this plays out, your kids, your kind husband yourself and your (presumably) lover you crossed paths with two years ago.

    You do your children a disservice.  Do you want them to seek a similar partner relationship as the one they see you model? How about if they find out you have been seeing someone else.  Is that a good example?

    You do this “man you crossed paths with two years ago” a disservice.  In your position, such a relationship has zero future and will end in heartbreak for one or both of you. I can guarantee you that if this turned into a ongoing relationship it will almost certainly not survive your divorce, however the painful death it finds when one of you breaks it off and can’t even tell anyone about it for support, will be far harder.

    You do yourself a disservice as you have driven yourself to a point where you compromise a solemn promise, where you make a huge commitment to prove your mother-in-law wrong.

    Your husband sounds like a good man, maybe a little clueless, but someone who tried to give you every out and probably has deluded himself into thinking you actually love him.  He will be crushed by a divorce, but devastated if he knows you have been having an affair.
     
    End your marriage. It will be painful, but less so than the series of train wrecks for several people you care about that you will avert.

  2. 62
    judy

    Henriette 57 – “foreign” is not the most accepting and tolerant word I know of.
    Your second post painted a rather more complete picture of you.
    Most posters feel free to express their opinions on here.  Either negative or positive.
    I maintain my point of view on both of your posts. 

    1. 62.1
      Henriette

      Judy: I take it that English is not one of your mother tongues?  Definition of foreign:  “of, from, in, or characteristic of a country or language other than one’s own.”  
      How hilarious that you choose to take offense to this word, and  then accuse me of making “racist comments” as though accusing someone of  racism is not incredibly offensive, especially when the issue of race was never raised by me… only by you.
      In any case, your replies demonstrate what Evan is asking us women NOT to be:  rude, presumptuous, and jumping to negative conclusions that make sense only in your own head.  Trust me, if this is the way you behave with men ~ not just strangers on a message board ~ then… well *chuckle*…best of luck to you. 
       
       

  3. 63
    Jaqueline Friedberg

    Our outlook in how we conduct our actions most often changes our viewpoint. Sometimes this change is good and sometimes bad but it is our viewpoint that exerts the most control the way we feel.

  4. 64
    Miss lisa

    Im sorry for your plight maya.It must have been hard for you to do what everyone thinks right, and even now more torturous because YOU have to live with it.
    i have been through similar things and wish i could tell you what to do, but i think maybe its time to listen to your gut i stead of everyone else, and yes i understand now after being stuck myself that sometimes you cant just leave ,which all of these unhelpful dumbasses will never fully understand Or empathize with. 
    and don’t let people bully you because you aren’t as emotionally strong as they are. I only pray you have a friend to be by your side to help you through this awful mess you kinda got yourself into. as far as these people beating ip your intelligence, SCREW their opinions! Everyone makes mistakes for different reasons and i dont think anyone should be held so low for making a mistake like yours! Sounds to me you did it out if  the goodness of your heart because you care  very much about people! So much you put your desires last! I hope you can get out of this mess easily and learn to follow YOUR personal needs  And let all these judging jackasses get stuck having to kiss and share sexual/ romantic interludes with a mistake they have made for the rest of their miserable lives!      
     
     
     
     
     
     

  5. 65
    Elizabeth

    I married someone i’m not attracted to. I was attracted to them when i married them because i was severely mentally unstable and when i got cured three years later, I discovered that I was not attracted to him and we had very little in common. He irritates me to death and he never speaks or has conversation with me. I was sick for so long, i could not afford to leave and now that i am well and working, i’m terrified to be old and alone. He is a decent man and loves me and is attracted to me, but we do not really have a close emotional relationship and rarely have sex because I am not attracted to his personality. It all comes down to personality mostly for me and intellect.

    The other issue is that I do not think that sexual attraction usually lasts in marriages and when women hit 45 or 50, they lose their hormones that make them feel like they want sex. I could be going through menopause in 5 years, so why bother leaving now? I would be financially in bad shape and most likely not find someone else and not want sex anyway. I just think it might not be worth it to leave considering that sex after 45 is not really great anyway because of menopause.

  6. 66
    Anonymous Girl

    Same here. I am a woman who got married to a wonderful caring man whom I have little sexual attraction. But as a ugly woman you have to take what you can get or be alone. Alone is just not an option for a woman in America.

  7. 67
    none of ya business

    So you bsed him into thinking you loved him when you clearly never did, now you try to bs us that your family pushed you into it, teh right thing to do was tell him the truth before your family could even start giving a crap, dont date someone if you dont love him , skank.
    Sorry but as a man awaiting his own divorce from another knot head like you , I have zero sympathy for you and I hope your husband takes you to the cleaners.

  8. 68
    Flipper

    This is a load of BS, from the writer, and the commentators! If a man wrote the same article about not being attracted to his wife, he would be chastised and ridiculed for wanting a divorce, just because she isn’t attractive. 
    Shame on her for looking a plausible excuse for divorce. I hope he screws her best friend.

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