I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?

Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. –Maya

Aw, Jesus, Maya.

You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.

“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?

I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.

You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

“A certain type of face seems attractive”?

I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.

Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…

“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”

So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.

Got it.

My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.

Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.

This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.

Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.

And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?

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Comments:

  1. 61
    David T

    Get.
    Divorced.
    Now.

    I married out of a sense of obligation and a belief I would “grow to love her.”  Well, even if she hadn’t been emotionally and physically violent, I have my doubts. 

    This is going to be hard to hear. Accepting it and not taking it personally is the best thing you can do for damage control, because that is where you are.  People are going to lose and suffer no matter how this plays out, your kids, your kind husband yourself and your (presumably) lover you crossed paths with two years ago.

    You do your children a disservice.  Do you want them to seek a similar partner relationship as the one they see you model? How about if they find out you have been seeing someone else.  Is that a good example?

    You do this “man you crossed paths with two years ago” a disservice.  In your position, such a relationship has zero future and will end in heartbreak for one or both of you. I can guarantee you that if this turned into a ongoing relationship it will almost certainly not survive your divorce, however the painful death it finds when one of you breaks it off and can’t even tell anyone about it for support, will be far harder.

    You do yourself a disservice as you have driven yourself to a point where you compromise a solemn promise, where you make a huge commitment to prove your mother-in-law wrong.

    Your husband sounds like a good man, maybe a little clueless, but someone who tried to give you every out and probably has deluded himself into thinking you actually love him.  He will be crushed by a divorce, but devastated if he knows you have been having an affair.
     
    End your marriage. It will be painful, but less so than the series of train wrecks for several people you care about that you will avert.

  2. 62
    judy

    Henriette 57 – “foreign” is not the most accepting and tolerant word I know of.
    Your second post painted a rather more complete picture of you.
    Most posters feel free to express their opinions on here.  Either negative or positive.
    I maintain my point of view on both of your posts. 

    1. 62.1
      Henriette

      Judy: I take it that English is not one of your mother tongues?  Definition of foreign:  “of, from, in, or characteristic of a country or language other than one’s own.”  
      How hilarious that you choose to take offense to this word, and  then accuse me of making “racist comments” as though accusing someone of  racism is not incredibly offensive, especially when the issue of race was never raised by me… only by you.
      In any case, your replies demonstrate what Evan is asking us women NOT to be:  rude, presumptuous, and jumping to negative conclusions that make sense only in your own head.  Trust me, if this is the way you behave with men ~ not just strangers on a message board ~ then… well *chuckle*…best of luck to you. 
       
       

  3. 63
    Jaqueline Friedberg

    Our outlook in how we conduct our actions most often changes our viewpoint. Sometimes this change is good and sometimes bad but it is our viewpoint that exerts the most control the way we feel.

  4. 64
    Miss lisa

    Im sorry for your plight maya.It must have been hard for you to do what everyone thinks right, and even now more torturous because YOU have to live with it.
    i have been through similar things and wish i could tell you what to do, but i think maybe its time to listen to your gut i stead of everyone else, and yes i understand now after being stuck myself that sometimes you cant just leave ,which all of these unhelpful dumbasses will never fully understand Or empathize with. 
    and don’t let people bully you because you aren’t as emotionally strong as they are. I only pray you have a friend to be by your side to help you through this awful mess you kinda got yourself into. as far as these people beating ip your intelligence, SCREW their opinions! Everyone makes mistakes for different reasons and i dont think anyone should be held so low for making a mistake like yours! Sounds to me you did it out if  the goodness of your heart because you care  very much about people! So much you put your desires last! I hope you can get out of this mess easily and learn to follow YOUR personal needs  And let all these judging jackasses get stuck having to kiss and share sexual/ romantic interludes with a mistake they have made for the rest of their miserable lives!      
     
     
     
     
     
     

  5. 65
    Elizabeth

    I married someone i’m not attracted to. I was attracted to them when i married them because i was severely mentally unstable and when i got cured three years later, I discovered that I was not attracted to him and we had very little in common. He irritates me to death and he never speaks or has conversation with me. I was sick for so long, i could not afford to leave and now that i am well and working, i’m terrified to be old and alone. He is a decent man and loves me and is attracted to me, but we do not really have a close emotional relationship and rarely have sex because I am not attracted to his personality. It all comes down to personality mostly for me and intellect.

    The other issue is that I do not think that sexual attraction usually lasts in marriages and when women hit 45 or 50, they lose their hormones that make them feel like they want sex. I could be going through menopause in 5 years, so why bother leaving now? I would be financially in bad shape and most likely not find someone else and not want sex anyway. I just think it might not be worth it to leave considering that sex after 45 is not really great anyway because of menopause.

  6. 66
    Anonymous Girl

    Same here. I am a woman who got married to a wonderful caring man whom I have little sexual attraction. But as a ugly woman you have to take what you can get or be alone. Alone is just not an option for a woman in America.

  7. 67
    none of ya business

    So you bsed him into thinking you loved him when you clearly never did, now you try to bs us that your family pushed you into it, teh right thing to do was tell him the truth before your family could even start giving a crap, dont date someone if you dont love him , skank.
    Sorry but as a man awaiting his own divorce from another knot head like you , I have zero sympathy for you and I hope your husband takes you to the cleaners.

  8. 68
    Flipper

    This is a load of BS, from the writer, and the commentators! If a man wrote the same article about not being attracted to his wife, he would be chastised and ridiculed for wanting a divorce, just because she isn’t attractive. 
    Shame on her for looking a plausible excuse for divorce. I hope he screws her best friend.

  9. 69
    Chelsea

    I’m in the exact same boat same everything. I can’t tell you what you should do but I’m going to marry this man because I have a daughter (not his) anyone who has said you are shallow and heartless is judge mental and obviously doesn’t have an understanding heart. All I can say is live your dream find someone you can be intimate with find love! think with your mind not your heart the heart is fickle really weigh out positive and negitive. You are a woman take control of your femininity an believe you are a brave confident woman who can make it on her own and find a man who is equally yoked and YOUR ATTRACTED TOO. And don’t you dare settle

  10. 70
    Steve55

    Wow! How is it that everyone is assuming she is a foreign girl? Lol.i see nothing in her post that hints at that. Anyways, well, give it more time and no kids for now until you see what will be. If you can’t show him love and affection after giving it more time, then bail while you can and start over. Often times love can grow as you two share your lives together. Who knows, give it a try at least.

  11. 71
    JR

    It’s time for a fetish fix, tell him you want to be his prostitute and charge him. Have some fun, with this, after all it’s not going to go away easy; you might as well get something out of it.

  12. 72
    Tracey

    Thank god you don’t have kids with him.
    That would be catastrophic!! 

  13. 73
    Tink

    Hi, my situation is similar. I married a  kind man who is so kind, however kind can be mean to.  My issues are. He is not active, he refuses to do anything without me. he is very insecure and he has a lot of bad habits. I new this when we married. I thought somehow he would change, perhaps getting married would let him know how much I do love him and perhaps he would change his insecure behavior. He throws fits, I can’t say anything g to him, even in a calm fashion, as he flips out and starts blame shifting. I feel like I’m not attracted to him physically. I’ve spoke with him and he just don’t change. I’m so frustrated.

  14. 74
    Bill

    I’ve been married for almost 6 years. Things were good in the beginning it seemed.  I am still attracted to my wife but we disagree on a lot of things. I feel she is really hard to get along with on a daily basis or for me to.  So I decided to stray from my marriage and cheat.  I got on a dating site/app and started talking to other women. 
     
    I meet this woman online and I fell in love with her, although never met her in person. I didn’t tell her that I loved her but I did at the time. She seemed to be everything my wife wasn’t and I wished my wife were. 
     
    My wife and I had a big fight one night and she told me she wanted a divorce. The next day she said she was sorry and wanted us to be happy again.  She looked at me and asked if we could try. That’s when the news of the virtual affair came to light. She asked if I wanted it to work between us then I would stop talking to the other woman. I thought seriously about it for days while my wife stayed at her parents. Then ultimately I decided that my family deserved a second chance. I ended the relationship with the other woman. 
     
    Months  later things are only slightly better at home. So I guess I’m a weak person and started talking to other women again. I had been completely faithful up until this time. The woman I was in love with messages me out of the blue. It was totally random and very strange that I even found her again.  We have been talking for a month now. Those feelings of love came back and this time I told her I was in love with her. She said she loved me too.  So a couple more weeks of talking go on. She told that she had gotten sick while I was gone for those months. She had gotten cervical cancer but had been in remission for a few months now.
     
    We finally had a chance to meet in person. I was so excited to meet her. 
    I was also prepared to have sex with her. I was also planning to possibly leave my wife for her afterwards. 
     
    I was staying at hotel for work and the woman lived  an hour away. She came to see me. She was in her car waiting on me. I walked outside, walked to her car and bent down and gave her a passionate kiss.  I just looked at her face.  Then I noticed how big of a lady she was. My heart sank so deep. Guess I’m a good actor because she didn’t notice my extreme disappointment in her appearance. We drove down the street to get something to drink. I could tell she was happy. Inside I was so upset. I had seen pictures of her but the full body ones of her were old. First sign something was wrong I guess looking back on it now. We talked a little while and in middle of her talking to me and I starting crying. She didn’t know what was wrong.  She asked if I needed to go back to the room, I said no.  I told her I was a horrible person. She asked me why. I didn’t say. I said I just am.
    She could tell I was really upset but I never told her the reason. I couldn’t do that to her.  I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.  I still loved this woman. 
    She left after talking to me in parking lot of hotel for some time.  Never once did I call her baby or say I love you while talking to her in person.  She later messaged me on the way back home  and said that I didn’t say those things to her and was something wrong. I didn’t know what to say. 
     
    The next day after not really talking to her all day, she messaged me and asked what was wrong. We usually talk all day long via text.  I wrote her back saying that for a relationship to work I must be satisfied on all levels, physical and emotional.  I tried to tell her in a subtle way that her weight was an issue for me. She didn’t understand me. 
    The next day she told me she had been crying a lot about me acting so funny and other things. She asked what was wrong again. I almost told her but couldn’t get it out. She told me that she had a long day and if I couldn’t talk now she would call me back. Before letting me go on the phone she told me she went back to the doctor. He informed her that her cancer was back and worse. She  has a tumor on her ovary now. 
    She later sent in a text that because her body hasn’t been producing insulin correctly she had gained a lot of weight in this last year.  I felt like the most disgusting person on earth in that moment.  I’m so glad she didn’t understand my previous attempt to tell her that her weight was an issue. She is probably over one hundred pounds overweight for her height. 
     
    I feel like such a bad person. I rejected someone I love because of her size.  I just feel that I couldn’t have a sexual relationship with her at all. I wouldn’t be able to get aroused for her, unless I thought of someone else the whole time. 

    I don’t believe in soul mates. I think there are probably millions of women that I could fall for in the world, so I don’t want to settle.  Being single should be number one before dating again also. I’ve hurt to many people. 
     
    The worst part is I’m afraid I’ll be her last love. She may not get another chance to be happy again.  I’m not going to leave my wife for her out if pity though. Just a very sad situation.  
     
    So I’ve decided to lie to her to save her at least that pain of being rejected for her appearance.  She told me she would understand if I couldn’t leave my family for her. So I’m going with that. 
     

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