My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!

My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!
Evan,

I’ve been married for just over 3 months. Prior to marrying my husband, he had a bachelor party. His bachelor party consisted of the men partying and watching football, and then eventually retiring to his friend’s house for 2 full nude strippers in a show. My husband came home completely messed up at 4am.

The issue is that he did not make me aware of the strippers. Later, I saw him bending over and on his ass was a bunch of permanent marker. BUSTED! He kind of came clean, but the timeline of his story and his lack of details make me think it’s worse than I know. He refuses to discuss it with me. Not to mention that when he came home at 4am, he had sex with me. I feel a little used.

Now, 4 months later, I’m still hurt by it and it eats at me that I have no idea what happened with 2 fully nude strippers in his friend’s house or why he would end up home at 4am instead of either a more reasonable time or the next morning. Seems fishy… not to mention he doesn’t even recall having sex with me when he got home.

I’m doing my best to let that go but now we have another friend’s wedding where he is a groomsman. Which means another bachelor party! So, my anxiety is at an all-time high. I’m almost leaning toward telling him if they get private strippers, I will be getting a private massage from at least 1 male therapist, and if they go to a strip club, not a big deal, I’ll stick to a reputable storefront for my massage! Is that unreasonable? Do I seem like an uptight wife? I’m just utterly grossed out by thinking about a nude girl or two rubbing on my man’s crotch! And I’d think he may get a little crazy thinking about a muscular stud rubbing me down with massage oils, so it seems fair, no? –Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I’ve talked about men and their visual proclivities before: namely, here, here, and here.

You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

I’m not positive I have anything new to say on the topic, so I’ll just do my best to dissect your email to me:

1. You’re married.

This means that you’ve had 2-3 years to date him. You know who he is. You either trust him or you don’t. I would be surprised if he proved to be a completely different human being after you got married.

2. He had a bachelor party with strippers, got hammered, and blacked out.

Certainly not his proudest moment. But is this a pattern with him? Or is it an anomaly – say, something that has never occurred before but only happened at his bachelor party?

If it’s a pattern, I don’t know why you married him. If it’s an anomaly, it’s probably something to write off.

3. He did not make you aware of these strippers.

And if he did, this all would have gone a lot better?

4. There was marker on his ass.

This is more embarrassment from the same bachelor party. It shouldn’t be an additional demerit. If anything, he’s probably ashamed of himself.

5. You feel used because you had sex with your husband.

Why? He’s your husband. Isn’t that what wives do with husbands?

Was it bad? Did you not get off? Or are you just sensitive to the fact that someone else worked him up and you were the one who got to benefit from it?

6. It’s 4 months later and you’re still thinking about it.

I can almost assure you that nothing has changed in 4 months. He’s the same guy he was before you married him. The same guy he was after you married him. You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

7. He came home at 4am instead of spending the night out.

Yeah, let me know when it’s a good plan for a man to not show up at home after his bachelor party.

8. Your response to the next bachelor party is to hire a male masseuse.

Um, okay. And he should worry about this because…?

Remember, you’re his wife. He trusts you. Why should he remotely care about who is massaging you? Unless you’re going to answer an erotic want ad in the back of your local paper, I’m pretty sure your plan to piss him off won’t do much, except illustrate one thing:

You’re jealous and you feel you’ve been wronged.

I can’t convince you of the latter. But I hope you can acknowledge the former.

If he didn’t cheat on you, there’s nothing to worry about, is there?

If he did cheat on you, then you married a man of poor character. Sorry.

But just because he had a drunken bachelor party doesn’t mean he cheated on you.

Thus, you have two choices: trust him and let this sordid night be filed away as a distant memory. Or keep up this worry, paranoia, jealousy, and tit-for-tat game and see where that leads you.

I think it’s obvious which choice I’m advocating.

Sure, you can put your foot down and forbid him from going to a bachelor party where there are strippers.

Just know that telling your husband what he’s allowed to do is rarely a winning strategy.

My advice for you is to let him know that you know you’re being a little thin-skinned but his bachelor party made you feel bad. All in all, you trust him. You love him. You are just sensitive about this kind of thing.

Then listen to his explanation.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    LC

    The problem with getting completely drunk and blacking in the vicinity of naked women/men is that you’re no longer in control over what you do or what happens to you.  This goes both ways for men and women.  I don’t know why anyone would want to get so drunk that they don’t remember what they do, and they risk losing the love of their life if they “consent” to a sexual act while heavily inebriated that they’d never do when they are sober.  It wreaks of irresponsibility and weakness.  No one’s wife or husband should have to tell them not to go to a bachelor/bachelorette party.  One’s own conscious, ability to do the right thing, and good judgement should keep them out of such situations. 

  2. 32
    starthrower68

    Right on John!  Get out there guys have more sex!

  3. 33
    JustMe

    StillLooking  #21.. 
     
    ALL of those things would have bothered my ex.  Just because they wouldn’t bother you doesn’t mean they wouldn’t bother someone else. 
     
    @ John #25
     
    Peer Pressure, alive and well.  Don’t you think it is a possibility that there are some guys who don’t enjoy those events who only go because they know they will be ridiculed behind their backs? 
     
    I also know if my ex didn’t want to attend some event (not a strip show – that he would have happily attended) with his buddies, he ususally made me the scape goat even though I would not have minded him going.  Actually, not once in our 18 year marriage did I tell him he couldn’t do something. It was easier for him to say “my wife won’t let me” than to say “I don’t want to”. 
     
    Evan – sorry – I love you but I don’t like the two ways of adressing it either.  I think there is a better way somewhere in the middle. 
     
    Everyone has a different level of comfort (see Still Looking @21).  Is someone really wrong for having a different standard than you?  That is what I am hearing – “Well, I would be ok with it so she should be as well”. 

  4. 34
    Rose

    Karmic equation, any man is entitled to choose to live their life any way they choose as am I and do. I am giving him exactly what he wants freedom of choice to do and live how ever he wishes. He chooses how he lives his life and what is more important and I do the same. My self respect feels more important to me than doing something that feels wrong for me. Simple really. I do not feel offended in the slightest, those are your projections what I feel is disinterest in being  involved in a committed relationship with and no attraction to any ‘man’ who wants to get drunk with their buddies watching two women who they have paid for to take their clothes off and do freaky sex acts. It’s not for me. What others choose to do and feel is right for them is up to them. Obvious to me though that to the woman who wrote in it is not right for her otherwise she wouldn’t be writing in. She would be perfectly happy about it, which logic tells us she isn’t. It’s up to her now to decide now and her alone how important it is to her as an individual. Her and her man have to both choose what is more important to them. I feel lucky that I have not had this problem.personally.
     

  5. 35
    Cat

    @EMK 37 – I completely agree 100% that insecure women tend to “feel” more insecure in this type of situation. But my point wasn’t about that (her insecurity). My point was more about the idea that men can do whatever they want, regardless of how it affects their woman & your advice is that “trusting your man makes him feel closer to you”. That may very well be true, BUT a man that is open & understanding & tries to help his woman feel secure (if she’s insecure) by certain behaviors (many different areas – not just dealing with strippers or bachelor parties) makes a woman feel much closer to him. It just goes both ways, that’s my point. I agree that she may (or may not) be insecure, my point was there are things men & women both can do to make their spouse “feel closer to them” & I don’t think “get over it” is gonna work in his favor for her to feel closer to him. As I don’t think her mistrusting him makes him feel closer to her.

    1. 35.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Cat – I don’t disagree that there are hundreds of ways that men can improve their relationships with women. But who is this blog for? Women. So when I give advice to women on how you can adjust (be cooler and more trusting), why do you always insist to remind me that it’s men’s job to change, too? It’s a pointless observation, since I’m a coach who tells women how to understand men, not vice versa. You see my point? It’s not that you’re wrong – it’s that you can take any piece of advice I offer and say, “But MEN–“. That doesn’t change my advice for women, which is to find a man you trust and TRUST him, not carry your insecurities around and make him pay the price.

  6. 36
    John

    Michelle @30 and Karmic Equation @31
     
    Thanks for the support and for restoring my faith that some women are cool with guys going to the occasional bachelor party. You are the type of women that their guy should take out to a fancy dinner the following Saturday for being such a good sport about giving up a Saturday date night so the guy could go out with his friends.
     
    Rose- you are the type of woman that would make the guy not even enjoy the outing with his buddies since he would have to deal with your crap once he got home. You are the ones that the friends would trash behind your man’s back. Wouldn’t be surprised if his friends make comments about you along the likes of “What does he see in her?”

  7. 37
    Rose

    LC 34

    “The problem with getting completely drunk and blacking in the vicinity of naked women/men is that you’re no longer in control over what you do or what happens to you.  This goes both ways for men and women.  I don’t know why anyone would want to get so drunk that they don’t remember what they do, and they risk losing the love of their life if they “consent” to a sexual act while heavily inebriated that they’d never do when they are sober.  It wreaks of irresponsibility and weakness.  No one’s wife or husband should have to tell them not to go to a bachelor/bachelorette party.  One’s own conscious, ability to do the right thing, and good judgement should keep them out of such situations. ”
    It feels best to me to make important choices from a fully conscious aware place  and the right match for me if they are compatible for me will be on the same page and want the same.

  8. 38
    Rose

    John.
    What makes you think I am bothered by your imaginary scenarios about me that do not exist in my reality? I feel amused how funny.

  9. 39
    Reema

    @ Karmic Equation (31)
     
    There’s a big difference between telling a guy that something he wants to do will hurt me, and controlling him. By no means I’m saying ‘you can’t go’, ‘you’re not going’. He’s a grown man and I’m not his boss; in the end of the day he can do as he wishes. All that I’m telling him is how I feel, why would that be seen as controlling?
    There are quite a few women out there who are ok with guys going to strip clubs. If I don’t tell my boyfriend/husband beforeahand that I’m not ok with it, he might assume that I am. And is not even about trust, it’s not even that I think he’ll sleep with any of those girls. It’s just the discomfort in my mind, the mental images of another woman exposing herself like that to my partner, or giing him a lap dance. I’m not sure if it’s my culture, where I’m from most women are not ok with that. So it has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with being honest about how I feel, and not pretending to be ok with something that hurts me. Not being able or comfortable to voice that would be a sad way to be in a relationship.

  10. 40
    Cat

    EMK 42 – Yea – I see your point. It’s just the woman in me seeing the sitch thru my womanly eyes..haha :)….And I don’t mean to say men need to change.  (But I think they need to put forth some effort) I know your blog is trying to help women understand men, and I think you do a great job!    
     

    1. 40.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Appreciated, Cat. But can you imagine how tiring it might be for me to have to justify every piece of advice for women with what MEN are supposed to do? And that’s pretty much what happens here. It’s not that most people are upset at my advice for women; you just want to remind me what men do wrong. In case I wasn’t aware of it, you know? Just a waste of everyone’s time and a distraction from the sound advice in the original post.

  11. 41
    Michelle

    “Thanks for the support and for restoring my faith that some women are cool with guys going to the occasional bachelor party.”

    Thanks John, and it’s not only the occasional bachelor party, it’s letting a man be a man.   Poor guys, as what was previously stated, women want complete honesty, then hold it against them when they are honest.  They can’t win!  And I agree with Karmic, if a woman is not having a problem attracting, dating and creating harmonic relationships with QUALITY men, then she should do more of what she’s doing.  If she’s not, then perhaps examining why that might be is in order.

    I can say the ‘cool’ girls are the ones that have the most success dating quality men that have no desire to cheat, can be themselves, and are chomping at the bit to ‘win’ with her.

  12. 42
    Karmic Equation

    @Reema 44

    There’s a big difference between telling a guy that something he wants to do will hurt me, and controlling him.

    And there’s a big difference between something that “hurts” you and something that you “don’t like.”

    I’m not opposed to telling a man when something hurts me. And if I tell him he’s hurting me, I expect him to stop doing that which hurts me. Are you saying when you tell a man he’s “hurting” you that you’re ok with him continuing to “hurt” you?

    Call a spade a spade. You’re using the word “hurt” in place of “don’t like.” Because you know “don’t like” probably won’t stop him from doing what HE likes. So you use the word “hurt” to try to control him. Maybe you’re doing this subconsciously, but you’re doing it nonetheless.

    It’s ok if a guy does things you don’t like. Just as you probably do things a guy doesn’t like. But it’s NOT ok if either of you do things that HURT the other.

    Words like “hurt” are controlling. Words like “don’t like” express difference of opinions and ideas and allows the other the freedom to choose.

  13. 43
    Karmic Equation

    Amend #48
     
    I should add:
     
    So when you use the word “hurt” make sure that is the truth and it’s not something you “don’t like.” Else that’s like crying wolf such that when he actually does do something that hurts you, you won’t get the change in behavior you want.
     
    +1 Michelle #47
     
    Thanks John 40.

  14. 44
    Steve

    Katherine,
    I would let it go.
     
    It is a fairly time honored ritual that men do not view as having any bearing on their feeling for their wives.  It is men being men.
     
    If you are like most women, you like your men being men, so think about holding the leash a little bit less tight so you don’t emasculate him.
     
    If he doesn’t regularly do these things, you are worrying over nothing
     

  15. 45
    Fusee

    Evan #10: I definitely agree with the recommended communcation style! It makes the WHOLE difference, and it does not take any agency away to talk with consideration and accountability. My guy and I always use style #2 communication for sensitive matters (although with less wording I guess) and it’s much easier to take feedback and requests that way.
     
    Evan #17: “In other words, you don’t have to TELL your man to NOT cheat on you. You trust that he WON’T and you don’t interrogate him before or after. That’s what trust MEANS”
     
    I also agree with this view on trust. However what constitutes cheating is different between people, and some people also have additional deal-breakers beside cheating. Being myself on the sensitive side of the spectrum while being naturally trusting (to clarify: just a little sensitive, meaning not as cool as Evan’s wife, but not paranoid or insecure either), I consider it my responsability to observe and possibly ask a new date about certain behaviors that would make me feel uncomfortable and see how they go about them. If my fiance had engaged in behaviors that would trigger too much discomfort, I would have addressed it and if no compromise would have been reached I would have opted out of the relationship peacefully. I also checked in about various topics before committing to him for life to make sure I was not going to have to demand changes or constantly feel uncomfortable because of what he likes to do.
     
    So what I’m trying to say if that communication about some above-average sensitivity has to happen BEFORE anything triggering would happen, so that everyone is on the same page and knows what each party needs in order to feel comfortable. Just assuming that both parties have the same limits and then trust that they will respect limits they do not know about is not the best approach to me because it can lead to the kind of conflict that the Letter Writer is talking about; conflicts that themselves lead to ressentment and unnecessary baggage, which are much more difficult to resolve.
     
    Although I can see how people end up in these situations, it is still beyond me that people commit to marriage without having explored all those questions in depth, and without having made sure that they excel at resolving conflict together. What are people doing during courtship??? The Letter Writer‘s problem is demonstrating so many issues (from both parties) of lack of trust, poor communication, immaturity, defensiveness, etc, that the least problem seems to be the actual stripper show.
     
    And to John #25 and others that claim that “all men enjoy stripper shows and that women have to get over it”: to each their own, really. No judgement towards men who enjoy these shows, and to women who are super cool about it. It’s awesome. However let me say for the record that plenty of men do not attend these shows and that it’s perfectly reasonnable for a woman to pass on men who do and choose a partner with more compatible entertainment preferences. My fiance happens to pass on those shows and keeps the company of same-minded men who enjoy the outdoors and practice martial arts. I did not even have to screen for that quality since it was not a deal-breaker per se, but like attracts like I guess, and the occasional porn use seems to be sufficient for now!
     

  16. 46
    Yuri

    I can’t say I know how I’d react if I found out my boyfriend went to a party that had full on nude strippers.  However, I can say that I will be bookmarking this article for future reference just in case my female crazies decide to appear in the future with regards to this situation.
     
    I would like to think I’d be accepting of the situation.  I don’t think he’d sleep with them as I trust him enough to maintain better judgment.  In the same vein, I would not blame him for being turned on by the sight of nude women.  I mean, isn’t that what porn is for?  If I’m completely fine with him watching porn, which I am, then I don’t see how this is any different sans the minute possibility he sleeps with the women…just as long as I can get male strippers of my own. haha

  17. 47
    Reema

    @ Karmic Equation (47/48)
     
    Well thanks a lot for telling me what i’m doing subconsciously in my relationships. Means a lot coming from a random person that simply read a comment that I posted on a dating advice blog.
     
    The word I’d use for that is still ‘hurting’. When it comes to making me feel down and unappreciated , I’d say I’m hurt. I ‘don’t like’ if a guy doens’t clean his mess, is late, etc. hose are things that don’t affect me personally. A guy that I’m with, going to a strip club, affects me personally for the reasons I explained on my initial post. So I don’t see any issue with saying that it hurts me.
    People are different. Unfortunately i’m not that ‘cool’ to not care about that. What is better, to not say anything and habor resentment (which I can’t do anyways), or tell him and discuss it , giving us the opportunity to discuss how compatible we are or not on the issue , and on subjects of similar nature?

  18. 48
    Rose

    Michelle, personally I have had no problem attracting quality men. This particular problem has not ever been an issue.
    Not sure how a man doesn’t win by being honest and by me being honest if we then find out we are not a match  so don’t end up in the wrong relationship.
    I personally would see that as win/win as long as we had both been honest from the start. Pretending and hiding who we really are and our inner core values, beliefs morals and feelings is not ever going to get us a real healthy happy ever after. It will only ever get us a fake unhappy dysfunctional one.
    Not all married men, or men in committed relationships do this or want to. Some do and some women say they are ok with it. Great they are a match if both parties are being honest.
    What I don’t like and believe is harmful is calling women names like silly or encouraging them to call themselves names like this and telling them they are wrong to feel whatever they are feeling. They are not wrong. Just more than likely with the wrong man for them, if there man is doing this and it is a big issue to them.
     

  19. 49
    Nicole

    Why do these discussion always act as if some women don’t enjoy strippers and/or porn too?
    I can’t say I’d get mad at any guy for going to a bachelor party b/c in my experience, the ladies get pretty wild during bachelorette parties or trips too.
    One of my female friends had a regular strip club habit in her 20’s b/c where she lived the men could go full nude and were very hot and well-endowed on top of being good dancers.  And I think those shows were a bit more “interactive” than anything that would happen in a club with female strippers. 
    And I got to finally go to one of those shows and the place was packed, and the women were worked up but all I think happened is that the women going home to boyfriends and husbands probably had some very happy men the next morning. (I haven’t been to a club with female strippers but actually I think you can’t touch them but I can say from first hand experience that the men did NOT have that rule).
    I personally think what is good for the gander is good for the goose and I wonder about the age of some of the people who are so appalled at the fact that a man might want to see a stripper or some porn.

    1. 49.1
      Gabriella

      nicole. why is sexual deviance equated to maturity? how utterly foolish! my fiance use to have a porn problem and now he hates porn. i know he wishes he never got into it. its actually an unhealthy self destructive addiction.  if he wouldve been the type of person to watch that kind of stuff i probably wouldve never been attracted to him. what people dont seem to realize here is that shutting up and being okay with everything is the true act of insecurity. the men posting here so far are very immature and narrow minded. it shows self esteem when you stand up for yourself and speak your mind with confidence. a woman who doesnt care is most likely an insecure what ever makes you happy liar in denial or not awomen at all! come on, i know michelle  is really a dude posting as a girl, really. were not stupid or maybe you are. a girl like that is like some of the men who posted who care more about what the people around them think about them and conform to act and think as they do. no sense of self, it is an act of weakness and insecurity. not being okay with things thatre presumably normal such as strip clubs means you have a sense of self, right and wrong. most men sadly are taught by society to be immature, stupid, selfish, lustful womanizers and you know what? its NOT okay. ladies, take my advice, NEVER accept it, never condole this immature, selfish idea that men could do thinngs that disrespect or disregaurd  you. but dont forget the golden rule, do unto others as you would have theem do unto you. id rather die a virgin than give myself to a pig. by the way, im 24, my fiance is as well. and he like me finds porn and strip clubs, wrong and doesnt engage in that type of behavior. it doesnt appeal to him. he loves me like crazy and cant wait to marry me because he fell in love with my inner beauty., that doesnt mean im unattractive, for the shallow of mind, ive always been the alphagirl. he doesnt think im silly or too insecure either, honestly the people   who said such in actuality are. he respects me and is open about everything and when we hit a rough patch, we work it out. i  trust him because he has proven trustworthy by his behavior unlike the previously mentioned. he makes me feel confident so im not jealous. women probably feel those ways for good reasons im sure. it breaks my heart that there are women out there with men who dont truly love them. please, stand up for yourself, believe in yourself and respect yourself or nobody else will sadly. all things are possible if you believe. i did.

  20. 50
    Rose

    There is a huge difference between not liking something and something feel painful inside agreed.
    Psychological pain is just as real as physical pain. We are all different and to some women this would hurt their heart. This shows up on scans. Their heart would feel hurt.
    Feelings and pain are unique to the individual. A general dislike would be a feeling of not too bothered just don’t like it. If someone really just didn’t like something they would hardly be feeling anxious about it. anxiety and stress are harmful to the body. Stress can actually shorten our life and cause many physical problems. Only the individual in question knows how it feels to them and telling someone to toughen up never works. You are telling them to be someone they are not. Telling people not to worry not to be so sensitive, thin skinned is arguing with reality,  and who they really are. Which is harmful in itself according to most psychologists. As adults unless we are in a truly helpless victim situation we are ultimately responsible for taking care of our own feelings,so if this causes someone that much pain and bothers them that much then the only responsible thing to do is get away from whatever the cause of that pain. Not pretend it doesn’t bother you and to feel something you don’t which is ok about something someone clearly does not and nobody feelings are WRONG which the person who wrote in is clearly not. Otherwise she would not have written in. They are unique to them. I just don’t see how telling someone to be cool about something because you are or your mate is or wife is and some other women are, because that is your perception and reality is the best thing for someone who in their reality is feeling distressed and anxious.

  21. 51
    Henriette

    Some women like strippers & porn; some don’t.  Some women are fine with their men going to see strippers as long as they don’t have intercourse.  Some women don’t like their men watching strippers at all.
    And, in spite of what popular culture tells us, not all dudes love strippers, either.  One guy friend never joins his buddies at strip clubs bc he feels bad watching young women who generally didn’t have a lot of life options take part in “sexual freak shows.”  One ex-boyfriend thinks going to strippers is embarrassing and crass bc of its public nature (he enjoys porn a lot, in part bc that’s something he can partake of in private).  My most recent boyfriend dated a stripper for close to a year and loved watching her give lap dances to her clients.  All 3 are bright guys with big hearts and fine character.  Different strokes (or no strokes) for different folks.  
    I agree whole-heartedly with Fusee, that it’s crucial to let your partner know early in the relationship where your comfort level lies and to see if his/ hers more or less align.  Many of you tell the Letter Writer that she shouldn’t worry since her husband probably didn’t have intercourse with a stripper, but maybe that’s not her boundary!   She needs to figure out what she’s okay/not okay with, and then find a time to clearly but gently discuss it with her husband.  I just wish she’d had this conversation with him a year or two ago.

  22. 52
    Rose

    I agree Henriette it is about her individual boundary around this. Boundaries are healthy. Ignoring your own boundaries and who you really are is not healthy and will just make you ill.In some cases seriously so.. All healthy relationships require healthy boundaries.

  23. 53
    Sparkling Emerald

    Karmic Equation – 48
      I respectfully disagree with your take on “hurt” vs “don’t like”.  Every day women stay with men who “hurt” them. (actually, men do the same also)  Just because they stay, doesn’t mean the behavior is merely something they don’t like.  It just means, that for whatever reason, their man keeps hurting them, and they are living with the hurt.  There are women who stay in relationships with abusers, cheaters and emotionally distant men.  You think they aren’t hurting, just because they stay ?  You think they are being controlling because they tell their man that his behavior hurts them, instead of saying they don’t like his behavior ?  The reasons women stay are varied, complex and not always easy to understand, but it’s not because the behavior is merely annoying and unlikeable.
      

  24. 54
    Rochelle

    I agree with Gia, Rose, and Henriette above.  Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this either and not all men like to go to strip clubs, etc after they are married.  none of the married men in my immediate or extended family do. Nor do any of the married men I personally know.    At this point, rather than telling this woman in the OP how she she should feel and she’s  insecure for taking an issue with it, the best thing she could do is still state how she feels about it in a non-controlling matter. However, I think as Henriette said, it really should have  been something that came up before marriage. If this is something that the guy you are with likes to engage in, rather than forcing him to change, I’d say either learn to accept it or be with a man who doesn’t go to strip clubs regularly.
     

  25. 55
    Karmic Equation

    @Reema 53
     
    You’re very welcome. It’s always a pleasure trying to help open-minded masochists. You should have said you were a masochist in your post because then I wouldn’t have pointed out that hurting someone you love is not ok. Because I completely understand that masochists don’t mind being hurt and, in fact, actually like it and are absolutely not trying to control their loved ones with the word “hurt”, because they want that hurt to continue and not stop

  26. 56
    JustMe

    Sometimes people don’t know how they feel about something until after it’s over and done.  Something like this: couple discusses and decided to experiment with a threesome.  They find a third they like who agrees.  They all get into a room, everything starts progressing and one of the three realizes they REALLY CAN NOT DO THIS!    Actually – this happened to a friend of mine,  she was going to be the third and realized she couldn’t go through with it. 
     
    Just to throw another thought out there.  I have already said I am LDS (Mormon).  In our culture, we are taught this is wrong, this is degrading, this isn’t respectful.  This is not something that is said everyday but it is a part of the culture in which you are raised.  Sometimes it is not that we are insecure; its that it’s part of our upbringing.  

  27. 57
    Karmic Equation

    @Sparkling 59

    Are you seriously equating the act of a man attending a bachelor party with the acts of men who cheat or who verbally and physically abuses you?

    Cheaters and abusers are emotionally and/or verbally and physically abusing you. That’s REAL hurt.

    Going to a bachelor party for male bonding or even because one enjoys is not a willful act of hurting someone. A man is as entitled to going to bachelor parties are you are to bachelorette parties. You just have to trust him and if you don’t trust him SAY SO. “I don’t trust that you’re going to behave while you’re at the bachelor party. That’s why I’m having an issue.” — But I bet you don’t want to say that, because doesn’t that sound stupid when said out loud to the man you trusted enough to MARRY?

    If I know my man’s going to a strip club REGULARLY, then I’d say “What’s up with that?” And whatever his answer is, I’d say. “Just so you know, I don’t like you going so often” or “I don’t like it that you go at all” or “Once in a while is no problem. Let me know when you do that. I’ll go out with my gfs that night.” Depending on what he says and how he says it will trigger my next move.

    But saying he’s “hurting” you is telling him you want him to stop without actually telling him you want him to stop. If you don’t want him to go, TELL HIM “I don’t want you to go.” He’s going to ask why. And you’re going to say “Because I don’t trust that you’ll behave.” And he might call you insecure or he might ask you “What have I done to make you think you can’t trust me?” What do you say to the man you trusted enough to marry?

    And you can’t lump “emotionally distant” men into this group. They’re not hurting you on purpose. That’s who they are. Choose better.

  28. 58
    Rochelle

    I also disagree with the OP’s idea to get a male masseuse, ( in attempt to make him jealous, get back at him or stop going anything that has strippers?) What’s the point? I’m not   seeing how that’s a solution.   That doesn’t solve anything, that’s when it becomes some kind of manipulative game hoping that he gets “the hint”.

  29. 59
    Paul

     
    I’m gonna take a line from Dr Phil here: the appearance of infidelity is just as bad as actual infidelity. You can complain all day long about how your partner is unreasonable, needs to trust you more, or that you didn’t actually do anything, but it’s still your ass that’s going to get dumped.
     

  30. 60
    Rose

    Feeling sad is real and it hurts a persons heart. If a woman feels sad that her partner wants to pay for and watch women in real life masturbate or do freaky sex acts for him and his buddies those are her real feelings so he can get turned on that is how she feels.
    Just because you do not feel that ir do not understand it doesn’t mean that women is not in real pain Karmic.
    You do not know how she feels you are not her. True empathy comes from putting yourself in her shoes and seeing it through her eyes and perspective as if you were her with her feelings and life experiences not yours. We all get that you don’t feel bothered or hurt or in pain about this. We get you are not us. So if it doesn’t bother you and it doesn’t bother the man you are with great you match on this value and issue.
    What is clear is the woman who wrote in and her husband do not share this particular inner core value. so are not a match in this area. This will not ever make for a happy healthy  marriage. Any marriage guidance counselor would guide you to get to that place .To the place where do you think you can live with this because of your inner moral code and values or not? Which is unique for everyone and needs to match. It’s not about liking the same food, music etc. It’s about inner core matches.

    1. 60.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Just found this comment posted by my then-girlfriend on a similar post back in 2007:

      “I honestly wouldn’t mind if Evan wanted to go to a strip club because I trust him. And because he hasn’t been to a club the entire time we’ve been dating, so I know it is not some weird addiction. And because he deserves a fun, breast-filled night out with his guy friends. Heck, I might even want to join him because, let’s face it, women’s bodies are beautiful and I can appreciate the aesthetics.

      I haven’t always felt this way. In my early twenties, I had a live-in boyfriend who went to strip clubs ALL the time. And it wasn’t just the fact that he could be found at Pure Platinum any random time of the day that bothered me. It was that he lied about it. That made me more suspicious, less trusting and highly uncomfortable. I suppose it’s possible that he anticipated my discomfort, so he lied about the frequent visits to the club. Which, in turn, made me trust him less, and that made him more apt to lie. And around and around we went.

      Juliette, if your boyfriend is anything like the guy I dated in my twenties, then I understand your concern. But if he is a normal guy who occasionally goes out to a club with his friends (not just on a random Tuesday during his lunch hour and not as a standing date every Friday with his frat-boy-like compadres), then you really have nothing to worry about. And, as Evan said, if it really hurts you to see him at the club, don’t put yourself through that. He will very much appreciate you making the effort, but if he cares about you, he doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable and sad all night. Just send him on his way with a fistful of dollars (Or is it up to 20′s now? Inflation is a bitch!) and a genuine birthday wish that he have a great time with his friends. He’s going to come home to YOU and that is what counts.”

      That’s how it’s done, y’all. If you trust your guy, it’s not a problem. If you don’t trust him, it is a problem. Everything else written on this subject is just filler.

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