My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!

My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!
Evan,

I’ve been married for just over 3 months. Prior to marrying my husband, he had a bachelor party. His bachelor party consisted of the men partying and watching football, and then eventually retiring to his friend’s house for 2 full nude strippers in a show. My husband came home completely messed up at 4am.

The issue is that he did not make me aware of the strippers. Later, I saw him bending over and on his ass was a bunch of permanent marker. BUSTED! He kind of came clean, but the timeline of his story and his lack of details make me think it’s worse than I know. He refuses to discuss it with me. Not to mention that when he came home at 4am, he had sex with me. I feel a little used.

Now, 4 months later, I’m still hurt by it and it eats at me that I have no idea what happened with 2 fully nude strippers in his friend’s house or why he would end up home at 4am instead of either a more reasonable time or the next morning. Seems fishy… not to mention he doesn’t even recall having sex with me when he got home.

I’m doing my best to let that go but now we have another friend’s wedding where he is a groomsman. Which means another bachelor party! So, my anxiety is at an all-time high. I’m almost leaning toward telling him if they get private strippers, I will be getting a private massage from at least 1 male therapist, and if they go to a strip club, not a big deal, I’ll stick to a reputable storefront for my massage! Is that unreasonable? Do I seem like an uptight wife? I’m just utterly grossed out by thinking about a nude girl or two rubbing on my man’s crotch! And I’d think he may get a little crazy thinking about a muscular stud rubbing me down with massage oils, so it seems fair, no? –Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I’ve talked about men and their visual proclivities before: namely, here, here, and here.

You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

I’m not positive I have anything new to say on the topic, so I’ll just do my best to dissect your email to me:

1. You’re married.

This means that you’ve had 2-3 years to date him. You know who he is. You either trust him or you don’t. I would be surprised if he proved to be a completely different human being after you got married.

2. He had a bachelor party with strippers, got hammered, and blacked out.

Certainly not his proudest moment. But is this a pattern with him? Or is it an anomaly – say, something that has never occurred before but only happened at his bachelor party?

If it’s a pattern, I don’t know why you married him. If it’s an anomaly, it’s probably something to write off.

3. He did not make you aware of these strippers.

And if he did, this all would have gone a lot better?

4. There was marker on his ass.

This is more embarrassment from the same bachelor party. It shouldn’t be an additional demerit. If anything, he’s probably ashamed of himself.

5. You feel used because you had sex with your husband.

Why? He’s your husband. Isn’t that what wives do with husbands?

Was it bad? Did you not get off? Or are you just sensitive to the fact that someone else worked him up and you were the one who got to benefit from it?

6. It’s 4 months later and you’re still thinking about it.

I can almost assure you that nothing has changed in 4 months. He’s the same guy he was before you married him. The same guy he was after you married him. You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

7. He came home at 4am instead of spending the night out.

Yeah, let me know when it’s a good plan for a man to not show up at home after his bachelor party.

8. Your response to the next bachelor party is to hire a male masseuse.

Um, okay. And he should worry about this because…?

Remember, you’re his wife. He trusts you. Why should he remotely care about who is massaging you? Unless you’re going to answer an erotic want ad in the back of your local paper, I’m pretty sure your plan to piss him off won’t do much, except illustrate one thing:

You’re jealous and you feel you’ve been wronged.

I can’t convince you of the latter. But I hope you can acknowledge the former.

If he didn’t cheat on you, there’s nothing to worry about, is there?

If he did cheat on you, then you married a man of poor character. Sorry.

But just because he had a drunken bachelor party doesn’t mean he cheated on you.

Thus, you have two choices: trust him and let this sordid night be filed away as a distant memory. Or keep up this worry, paranoia, jealousy, and tit-for-tat game and see where that leads you.

I think it’s obvious which choice I’m advocating.

Sure, you can put your foot down and forbid him from going to a bachelor party where there are strippers.

Just know that telling your husband what he’s allowed to do is rarely a winning strategy.

My advice for you is to let him know that you know you’re being a little thin-skinned but his bachelor party made you feel bad. All in all, you trust him. You love him. You are just sensitive about this kind of thing.

Then listen to his explanation.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

0
2

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (140 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 121
    BloodyMary

    Evan, I don’t share your point of view. It’s funny how you defend men as being entitled to going to strip clubs on the basis that they are “visual” but it’s not ok for women to voice their concerns, eventhough… HEY you call us emotional? lol
    I believe in honesty and boundaries in relationships. Both of these form foundation of trust.
    There are different kinds of relationships with different rules and it is for both parties to set them up and commit to them. If you are in a relationship where you are mutually exclusive in the full sense of the word, then your man, by agreeing to this, will not go to strip club and, if faced with peer pressure, will still opt out from it. And this is not because he is gay or a pussy, but because he respects you, protects your relationship by not going into grey areas when temptation and alcohol can compromise his integrity and jeopardize long term relationship that was built over the years over one night’s adventure. I don’t see how bacchellors party is an exception to this.
    Also, Evan, no self-respecting woman would put herself down to the level you described and playfully say “I’m silly and jealous” in order to convince her partner to stay faithful (other than if she is in somewhat open relationship and is really ok with it). It sounds very pathetic and degrading.
    I wouldn’t like my man going to strip club, not because I am insecure, but because I expect my man to respect exclusivity we both agreed to. He knows he can go to the strip club whenever he wants, but that will have its consequences, because, well you cant have everything. Just like when you are single, you can’t have the company of a friend, lover and partner whenever you need it. And conversely, when you have all that, it is sometimes the case, that you cannot enjoy other women, like you would it you were single. Every choice has it’s advantages and disadvantages and I wished women were more assertive about what they want from a man, instead of reading in magazines how to pretend to be cool or hide your disappointment. There is no simple rule about what the relationship should or shouldn’t look like. You and your partner make them.
    Men being visual surely has its scientific basis, but staring endlessly at womans chest is offensive. This and many other examples in both genders suggest that exercising our primal instincts does not get us far on the social ladder. Adult and mature individuals possess control over their urges and have the ability of making choices. So if you commit to a woman, then the quality of the relationship will depend partially on the quality of your decisions.
    Bacchellors parties aren’t all about strippers. There is drinking, partying and gambling as someone previously mentioned. Your man by taking part in the party doesn’t have to agree to participate in all the aspects of it. If he is morally challenged and decides to opt out for any reason, no real friend (the groom) would be upset by it.
    I hate it when men are using this excuse of “being visual” and therefore having the illusion of this allowing them to break the rules. I know this, because if this was reciprocal, then women would be allowed to freak out, get pregnant every year and make constant arguments and expect their man to stick around. But then, hey this doesn’t happen, right?
    Women are way more outspoken, and this is translated in the working environment and in the relationships. The best way is open conversation. This does not have to be emotional. Men or women, all human beings listen to logic and reason in calm conversation. Just set your rules crystal clear early in the relationship and if you feel uneasy about the bacchellors party, talk it through before the event. You both had no problem on defining the relationship for what it is at the beginning, why is it really so difficult to talk about one night?
    Then, if the unexpected happens, then you’ve got a solid grounds to dump the man, without going into grey areas of “we didn’t discuss this”, “I didn’t know that it was going to happen” or “you never said I couldn’t do that”, as some losers would say. If you didn’t set the rules at the beginning, then don’t complain at men not following them. It’s usually when men give us the insecure card. Be assertive.

    1. 121.1
      Christy

      @BloodyMary #121 no self-respecting woman would marry a man without understanding whether he has similar values. If she ended up marrying the type that disrespects her anyway, either get out or get over it. Of course she should feel free to let him know her distaste for his actions, but don’t you think a self-respecting woman would have respected herself enough to know the man she married, at least enough that this situation did not come as a surprise three or four months into the marriage?

  2. 122
    Henriette

    This is a bit of an aside but I think it’s interesting. I have some very attractive, successful brothers. When they get invited to stag parties, they attend but think the strippers and sex show part are lame and sad (one described it as being similar to watching animals in a circus – “when you learn what their lives are actually like behind the scenes, you never want to see that kind of circus act, ever again.”) Whenever they are put in charge of organising Bachelor Parties, they put together really fun events that Never include this kind of thing (they’ve pulled together excellent nights that include things like poker, cigars, great wine, billiards, whiskey tasting, laser tag, etc). Men can have a blast together without having to have naked women perform for them.

    Since guys of our age seem to be pretty set in their ways, maybe we should just focus our efforts in teaching the next generation – our sons, nephews and students – that this kind of behaviour is out-dated and deeply uncool.

  3. 123
    Chava

    Honestly, I fail to understand how a nearly naked woman grinding on your partner and shoving her breasts and genitals into a man’s face doesn’t count as cheating. If he paid a random woman off the street to do that, I’m sure you’d consider it cheating (I hope!) Why d the venue in which the at occurs cange that?

  4. 124
    Christian

    I see a lot of replies from women and mentioning trust etc. Let me say from a guys point of view on a bachelor night.
    They are out to get as much as they can, having strippers is a sure fire way of getting some before your married. Do you think he was thinking of you when he was invited to play sexually with this stripper, no darling he wasnt. They would all have been in it together and saying nothing to each and every other wife and girlfriend. To say you should trust him is pointless, when placed in that situation of having a naked stripper pushing her private parts in your face everything is likely to happen. do not be fooled. Much the same as women who have strippers too. In real terms is almost legalised prostitution. You pay for sexual returns. Strippers shouldnt even be on the things to do list. Sorry darling…but its true.

  5. 125
    Kate

    I am going through a similar situation.

    I have been with the same partner for 9 years now.
    He too joined a bachelor party where there were topless waiters and strippers, and then lied to me about it. Now he is attending another bachelor party this weekend and I am beside myslef.

    Celebrating a bachelor party with strippers flaunting their magic bits in support of the notion that it is the bachelor’s last night to be a free man, is silly. The bachelor was a free man the night before the serious relationship started, not during. It is my opinion that you can’t be single and in a relationship at the same time.

    For someone to say “don’t you trust him?/ you are over reacting/ you are insecure” is a manipulative way of saying you must allow him to look at other women’s half naked bodies, have their genitalia rubbed up against your man, and be aroused by someone that is not you, and approve of it. 

    1. 125.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      It’s not really manipulative, Kate. If you want to break up with your boyfriend because of his attendance at these bachelor parties, you may. Some other woman will accept this, and she will be the one who marries him. You’re not “wrong” for being upset, nor is he “wrong” for attending these parties once a year. Choose your battles. I don’t think this is infidelity, but if you do, then, well, you have your answer. Break up with him.

  6. 126
    rajai

    BloodyMary #121…I could not agree with you more on any of your points. Very well said! Especially when you said “So if you commit to a woman, then the quality of the relationship will depend partially on the quality of your decisions.”….I think men forget that in a relationship very often & then wonder why their S.O. is upset. I also agree with your statement about EMK… “It’s funny how you defend men as being entitled to going to strip clubs on the basis that they are “visual” but it’s not ok for women to voice their concerns, event though… HEY you call us emotional?”.   

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>