Signs He Wants to Marry You

Signs He Wants to Marry You

Longtime readers know that sometimes I like to reveal a little bit about how I work. It’s sometimes embarrassing to share things, but I think it’s a valuable glimpse into me and this unusual business of writing things for public consumption three times a week.

Today, I want to share with you two contradictory ideas.

  1. I trust myself to give dating and relationship advice more than I trust anybody else.
  2. Every Thursday for the past five plus years, I’ve linked to an interesting article written by somebody else.

Which is to say that I’m constantly reading books and articles that I can synthesize into simple, effective dating advice, and yet I don’t subscribe to any other coach’s newsletter, blog, or YouTube channel as a means to learn what to teach.

That might mean I have a massive blind spot or a surfeit of confidence (or both). But I think it means that I trust my experience, my desire for growth, and my ability to square these contradictory impulses in a public square, for all to see.

The reason I’m stating this is because I am constantly bombarded (behind the scenes) with people who want to guest blog for this site. They’ve written a great article. They’ve written a great book. They think my audience will love it. Basically – they’re looking for free PR for their work. I don’t blame them. I also never say yes.

I trust my experience, my desire for growth, and my ability to square these contradictory impulses in a public square, for all to see.

Comb through 1000 blog posts over nine years. You will not see another author’s name on any of them. That’s my control issue: I will write about your advice. I will link to your advice. I will not have you writing on the blog that has my name on it.

Today is no different, but yet it is. I received an email from a Sonya Schwartz, asking me to link to her article, “34 Signs He Wants to Marry You.”

Normally, I would decline this obvious self-promotion, but as I clicked through, I saw how much time and care she put into this piece – and how it largely echoed all the things I normally advise women to look for when choosing a husband.

So without further ado (and I know it was a lot of ado), allow me to present to you 34 Signs He Wants to Marry You. It is a monster of an article with an infographic and 34 different text links for each sign, and I sincerely hope you like it.

When you’re done, come back here and tell me what, if anything, you learned from Ms. Schwartz’s piece.

Have you ignored some of these signs, only to discover, too late, that you were with a man who was never going to marry you?

Your thoughts, as always, are greatly appreciated.

Join our conversation (22 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 1
    Stacy

    I agree with everything with the exception of ‘He Wants to Live Together’.  IMO, this is absolutely no indication that he wants to get married.

    1. 1.1
      D_M

      Stacy,

      Why does that one standout to you? What about the author’s expanded comments under that particular bullet point leads you to strike it from the list?

      1. 1.1.1
        Stacy

        D_M,

        Because a man can ask you to live together for a variety of reasons (financial, convenience, etc.).  If I were to live with a man before marriage, I would discuss a timeline with him concerning marriage if this is what I wanted. I have seen it too many times…being the forever ‘wife’ without the title.

  2. 2
    SparklingEmerald

    Excellent list – Also take some of those signs, and consider their opposite.  If there are many of those, then it’s a clear sign that he DOESN’T want to marry you, and if marriage is what you want, then it’s time to say “Next”.

    1. 2.1
      Adrian

      Hi SparklingEmerald,

      I’ve already got our background story planned for when you and I wedding crash YOUR wedding (^_^).

      …   …   …

      Is it really so ease for women to next a man they are in love with?

       

      1. 2.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        Hi Adrian 🙂

        Nope, not easy at all, that’s why I think that marriage minded women should listen for the disclaimer early on, and bail before they get too hooked.

  3. 3
    ScottH

    I would NEVER open a joint bank account before marriage.  That seems odd in this age of rampant commitment phobia.

    Otherwise, yes, it seems that having most of these signs indicates someone is interested in a long future with you.

    Now, about that book I just wrote……

    1. 3.1
      Adrian

      ScottH, you made me laugh out loud so hard at your last line!

      Thanks! (^_^)

      1. 3.1.1
        Adrian

        Hi ScottH,

        I got so amused by your last line that I forgot my question to you. Since you know so much about commitment phobia, in your opinion, if a person was not showing a third of these signs, would that make them

        a.  A commitment phobic person

        b. A person who loves you, but just don’t want to get married

        c. Subconsciously just not really into you

        1. ScottH

          Adrian- I was wondering a similar thing.  What does it mean if your partner demonstrates a certain percentage of those items?  How many of those things should happen within a certain time frame, and what does it mean if they don’t?  There should be some kind of scoring that you can do, like assign points for each one and then have a multiplier based on the length of the relationship.  Or some kind of milestone chart.  But that can be dangerous, like the anxious mother who thinks her kid isn’t normal because the kid didn’t start walking exactly when the book said it should. (Yes, that happens/happened.)

          I’m not sure that you can use her list to determine a commitment phobe.  The thing about CP’s, at least as I understand it, is that they do many of the things on that list but they do it in a very compressed time scale.  But that’s not necessarily true either because it all depends on when the CP feels that they have you hooked.  Basically, when they’re at the precipice of commitment, the weird shit happens and that depends on when they feel that you’ve bought into their love bombing.  Future faking is a big part of the CP and they talk about “we” a lot and future plans that will never happen.  It takes skill and experience to recognize a CP.  My 2nd CP talked a lot about “we” and going on vacation together 5 months in the future and doing business together and other significant stuff.  Then when she had commitment staring her straight in the face and no way to hide from it, she did a sudden 180 and I was wondering what the hell just happened.   A similar thing happened with the first one too.

  4. 4
    Michele

    My guy does about half of these. He says things like “he isn’t there yet” and it’s frustrating because I am, but I think this helps me understand better than maybe I need to be more patient. It becomes difficult without solid talk about engagement or marriage. I know he’s open to it, but sometimes I question if I’m waiting around for nothing. This helps give me better insight before I go making any major decisions based on my own interpretation of his behavior. Thank you for sharing, Evan.

  5. 5
    Adrian

    I must admit that I have always envied most women’s’ innate ability to read body langue and overall action patterns (there have been innumerable studies written about both), and yet so many books and articles are written to help women on reading men. I wonder if this is a sign of women devolving or losing this innate ability little by little each generation?

    Anyway, I always find myself struggling to understand and find balance with articles like this and Evan’s let things happen naturally philosophy? I mean he teaches us not to ask about things too early and allow them to come out naturally, yet I always wonder how much emotional energy could be saved by asking someone within the first few weeks of dating, “do you ever want to get married, do you ever want to have kids, etc?

    The author of the linked article had some good points, but I feel that they are all based upon spending large amounts of time with someone; BUT, isn’t time the problem? We are more willing to stay longer, hope for a change harder, and wait, for a person whom we have fallen in love with, verse a relative stranger we just happen to be on date three with. Even Evan’s advice echos this when he teaches us to wait a while after the relationship is established to reveal possibly damaging things about ourselves because a person who is already emotionally invested will be more accepting.

    If a guy does some of the things on the list too early, then they are seen as red flags, so the are all time invested signs.

  6. 6
    Grace

    I was dating a man for almost 1.5 years that “future faked”. I believe he truly wanted a wife and kids, but his fear and distancing routine made him feel safe/in control. It really came down to him loving his fear (safety) more than he loved me. A huge distancing technique that I noticed with this man was GAWPING at pretty women. Blatantly gawping. Neck injuring gawping. His long, distracted, head to toe body scans were incredibly disrespectful and it triggered my insecurities. Most, if not all respectful men, will at least “side eye” an attractive woman…I get it… men are visually stimulated. But, there’s a drooling, pre-historic, “me Tarzan – you Jane” quality about men who aren’t serious about you. Ladies, speak up when something feels “over the top”, if he continues the schmuck routine, lose his number.

    1. 6.1
      Theodora

      I don’t think he employed any “distancing technique”. I think he was just a womanizer (or a wanna-be womanizer) and he was simply indifferent to how you felt about it or indifferent to your feelings in general.

      I’m always amused by the explanation “he was afraid of emotional intimacy” as a replacement for “he was just not that into you”. Truth to be told, sometimes I use this explanation myself to save face, but I know inside me that it’s BS.

       

      1. 6.1.1
        Grace

        Theodora, this guy was unavailable. He’s 35 and I was his first girlfriend. Seems he’s never really been “into” anyone- just easy, short term sex/friends with benefits. I met him at a time he was “trying to change” but soon realized without proper therapy, this guy is only good intentions vs. actions.

        My responsibility in it, is realizing that I attract and lure these types knowing full well they can’t commit… because I can’t either.

        1. Tom10

          @ Grace #6
          “I believe he truly wanted a wife and kids, but his fear and distancing routine made him feel safe/in control. It really came down to him loving his fear (safety) more than he loved me”
           
          I’m with Theodora on this one; this guy doesn’t necessarily have a “fear” of intimacy as such, rather that he either doesn’t really want a serious relationship either with a) anyone, or b) you. Either way, if you want a serious relationship you need dump him and cut him off forever.
           
          I’m always amused with the way people use the terms “afraid of commitment”,“fear of intimacy” or “commitmentphobia” as if some people find it this terrifying concept. I mean, even for people who rail against commitment the conceit itself isn’t really that scary. I mean, ISIS is scary. Ebola is scary. Mentally disturbed people with semi-automatic weapons are scary. Commitment? Not so much. One can always break up at any point in the future should they wish.
           
          Your guy simply values his freedom/having his options open more than he wants to commit to you, or indeed, possibly, anyone. And that’s okay. Many people are the same. Like you. Like me.

  7. 7
    Grace

    @Tom10 I absolutely agree.

  8. 8
    Rachel

    I don’t know about this article, guys. Maybe I’m reading too much into the nuances of her phrasing, but several lines rubbed me the wrong way. It sounds like the writing of a woman who looks at marriage–as opposed to a joyous, functional marriage–as the holy grail. The line about “making a man commit,” the idea that a man who pops the question because his friends are married and he doesn’t want to be the odd man out, and so on, betray a rather immature and superficial view of marriage. And a lack of jealousy, lack of “gawping” at other women, appreciation of you as a partner–those are the fundamentals of a healthy relationship and should be there ALL them time, just as marriage prereqs. The content you write and the other articles you link to are both much more sophisticated and mature than this sample. I haven’t googled this author, but if I had to guess, I would assume that she’s an otherwise intelligent woman who is probably a bit too inexperienced (22-25) to be doling out marriage advice. Just my $0.02.

  9. 9
    Daphne

    He can have all the signs and say all the words and still say “we’re too different, we moved too fast” a few weeks after, which’s to say the list is correct, but not very useful if marriage is the goal. There should be a “Signs He’ll say Yes at the Altar”. The first sign: he made an investment in your future life together that’s tangible and not just wishful thing (expensive ring, a place to live, career adjustments).

  10. 10
    Mary

    Evan has said “wait two years”.  That’s a statement I should tattoo on my palm like a cheat note.

    Future faking at it’s finest. “Let’s get a joint bank account to pay the bills and save up for…”  Never ever do that.  A commitment phobe, future faking, absolute thief will make that money disappear and either disappear themselves or give you excuses as to why they needed it for something that it was never intended for.

    Moving in together… yes I’m totally jaded from experience.  The forever girlfriend scenerio that gets completely taken advantage of as a housekeeper, cook, childcare, pet provider, and sadly petty cash box… with the words “I’ll never get married again because I always said I would only do it once.”  Totally truthful statement that should not be ignored. If he says that but you are bent on getting married…Run. As fast as you can, don’t move in.

    He can’t get enough of you?  Even the guy who never wants to get married or re-marry does this with someone he loves. Love does not always lead to marriage.

     

    Evan has said “wait two years”.  That’s a statement I should tattoo on my palm like a cheat note.

    1. 10.1
      Jennifer

      Sometimes they say they will never marry again but only when it comes to you.   If he doesn’t give me a ring after the first year together I would just leave him.

  11. 11
    Michelle

    Absolutely love and appreciate this article.

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