Men Are Honest. You’re Just Not Listening.

I take my job as your personal trainer for love very seriously.

I try to honor and respect every woman who reads my emails and offer advice that is honest but not too brutal.

But I have to admit, from time to time, I get an email that makes me roll my eyes.

The most recent one was as mercifully short as it was inane. All it said was this:

“What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you?”

To the best of my knowledge, this email was not a joke, but it had me thinking about other obvious questions that had only one possible answer.

“What does she mean when she says she’s not at all attracted to me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’s been faking her orgasms with me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’d rather jump out of a moving car than go out on another date with me?”

Now, to be fair, most women don’t give men such rude, point-blank answers.

What do you actually do instead?

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

You don’t return his calls in a timely fashion.

You date other men until you find one you like better.

You may go out with him again, but you’re not all that into it.

In short, to keep the peace and avoid conflict, you either do the slow fade (not calling him back immediately), or you continue to see him with reservations about your attraction and excitement.

Are you lying to him? Are you trying to hurt him? Are you a commitmentphobe who has no interest in marriage? Are you fickle and always looking for someone better?

I’m guessing the answer is no to all of the above.

Same with us. Except you have trouble seeing that.

Face it:

Men don’t have to say “I love you” to get you in bed.

Men don’t have to commit to you to get you in bed.

All men have to do to get you in bed is be cute, funny, tall, smart, and successful.

And if that’s the case, and we sleep with you based on attraction alone, regardless of whether we have actual FEELINGS for you, it tends to get a little dicey.

This is not me DEFENDING men; this is me, EXPLAINING men.

Listen, we’re just as shocked as you are when you sleep with us on a second date.

But, as you know, this doesn’t mean we want a relationship with you. It just means that we were having fun, we were tipsy, we took a chance, and we scored.

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

Understand that unless he REALLY likes you, the second you leave, he’s thinking about how he can get out of this.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

Understand that he DOESN’T want to hurt you.

Understand that he DOESN’T want you to fall in love with him.

Understand that he DOES want to keep sleeping with you because it’s in HIS self-interest.

And understand that everything he does next is designed to keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE with him.

If he’s excited about you and wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll call you the next day to say, “I had fun, when can I take you out to dinner this week?”

If he’s already planning his exit strategy, he’s not going to say, “I think we made a mistake. Good luck in life.” He’s more likely going to do something like this:

• A one-line text to follow up.
• A few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached.
• Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy.
• A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

And your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him.

This is why I’m saying that men are being honest with you.

He’s not talking about meeting your family.
He’s not talking about taking you away to Paris.
He’s not talking about the names of your kids.
He’s not talking about love and marriage.
Hell, he’s not even talking about dinner and a movie!

He’s mostly keeping in touch with texts and hoping that you coast on your attraction to him without ever second guessing his lack of effort.

He hasn’t lied to you. He hasn’t promised you anything. He hasn’t done anything after sleeping with you that indicates that he’s serious about you.

So, reward this kind man for trying to protect your feelings by…

CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.

“It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

He’ll do one of two things:

1) Pick up the phone and call you because you have a burgeoning relationship that’s worth preserving and he can’t stand to let you go.

Or, in all likelihood…

2) He’ll text you, “That sux! Too bad. I understand though. Good luck to you!”

Really, men don’t want to hurt you. Just like you don’t want to hurt them.

So stop blaming them for sleeping with and texting you.

If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth.

Join our conversation (508 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Michelle

    I need to enlargen this, print it out, stick it in my fridge and read it everyday!  I am so guilty of falling for my vision of what it might be instead of what it is, that I consistently have my heart broken. And at the end of the day, I know it is me to blame.  Thank you Evan, for putting it in black and white. 

    1. 1.1
      bestofme

      Yeah, well basicly it’s not hard to tell if you get the feel that he is as such he’s not for you and or is using you … doesn’t matter what for what matters is you feel that way tell him look your great and all I just don’t’ feel we should be dating maybe hang out as friends… see what he thinks because ha if he does think he’ll be doing a lot of it.

      1. 1.1.1
        Yogagurl

        bestofme…please write clearer so we understand what you are trying to say. 

        1. Breanna.nicole20

          Lol thank you! I started getting confused and moved on to the next comment which was yours haha.

        2. Pink

          When crickets come the man is done, say it again! When the crickets come the man is done! 

      2. 1.1.2
        DeeGee

        bestofme said: “maybe hang out as friends”

        Most guys can’t have women just as friends.
        And if a women gets into a relationship, her boyfriend/husband isn’t going to want her hanging out with male friends.

        1. not looking

          one sided relationships do not work . the guy does not want a relationship / live with it

        2. xana

          if a man wants to hang out as friends it’s a good sign –  it’s the best way to get to know each other.

        3. Heather Frisby

          Very true. My husband had (just a friend) on Facebook.  And he thought they would catch up, well needless to say they ended up sleeping together. He said it was a one time thing but I don’t believe him.

        4. Sally

          What if the guy says…

          Just thinking of you.  ( Nothing real good, so don’t get all excited.)

          How would you read that as saying?? He also will say, I kinda like you, but don’t let anyone else know…

          So confused….

        5. Karl R

          Sally,

          Either he’s…

          … just not that into you.

          … a pick-up artist who’s giving backhanded insults in order to keep you wondering where you stand.

          … dating multiple women, without be open about it.

          … immature and clueless about how to talk to women.

          … more than one of the above.

           

          Time is valuable. You don’t need to solve the mystery before moving on. That guy’s not boyfriend material, so spend your valuable time finding someone else.

      3. 1.1.3
        JD

        It is What it is ….

        1. Rebekah

          Every relationship with a man or woman is different…everybody has been through experiemces that has shaped us into the type of person we presents ourselves to b to one another….just don’t over analyze the situation with her or him..just take it step by step…but most importantly ask the Holy Spirit for guidance above all else

    2. 1.2
      Thalia

      Wow so so helpful!  I’ve recently went on a 3rd date with an offer to stay over… I didn’t and what do you know the silences started!  It still felt like a let down but I’m hearing it loud and clear especially after reading your coluum ! Thank you

      1. 1.2.1
        Sophia

        Thalia, guess what? You win! I’ve heard that guys will keep dating you just to get some, but they’ll give up if they don’t get any after a few weeks. If you had slept with him, you would have fallen into that trap. Now you know that he wasn’t sincerely interested and you didn’t have to give it up in order to find that out.

      2. 1.2.2
        Trap

        What exactly do you think you heard?
        Trust me,  after 3 dates & no intimacy, he heard one of 2 thing…

        1) She’s  using me.
        2) She doesn’t like me.

        Thats why he moved on. He was obviously moving toward you & “heard” you standing still, instead of moving toward him.
        Women often make this mistake. 

        1. starthrower68

          It’s interesting how we want people to sleep with us in this culture before we even know if we like them and they like us.

        2. Remove Trap

          Uh, the mistake of not sleeping with him to keep him interested?

          Sorry, but if that’s all that’s keeping him interested, he’s not worth pursuing.
          Sex happens way too early with most dating, so much so that it’s to the point where there’s actually pressure to have sex almost as a matter of course, and if you don’t, you’re apparently being cold and disinterested.
          Sex shouldn’t be something to do to see where you can get the relationship going; it’s where you end up once the relationship has been strongly established.

        3. Bluebell

          There are many ways to show a Man you are into him without jumping in bed right away. Gentle signs of affections, eye contact, flirty conversation etc… In my opinion, a. Man trying to jump in bed right away is looking more for validation than a genuine relationship. It speaks to his insecurities rather than his confidence. It’s OK to wait.

        4. Sarah

          Exactly right. You can be intimate with someone and show interest without having sex. Self control reveals the most

        5. Lena

          What a fantastic point. Let’s face it attraction initiated the connection. Who doesn’t want to sleep with someone they’re attracted too? When I read that post I immediately thought, “what if they think your not interested in them because your playing games and tests and stuff.” Just let things happen and if it doesn’t work out trust and believe sex won’t always make or break a relationship. Though it is does play a huge part. Calm down, be safe, don’t be afraid to take a chance if everything else is good and youve been dsting someone for a while. Life is confusing.

        6. A Lady Friend

          I dont agree. We dont know from the comment that she didn’t convey her level of interest. We only know that he asked for sex on the 3rd date and she declined. Were you expecting her to sleep with him on the 1st or second date. Three dates isn’t a magic number. 

        7. xana

          A man and a woman are stupid if they think they can get to know each other well in 3 dates! Some topics cannot be discussed so quickly and some things cannot be revealed. SO a man who is so impatient  to have sex, after marriage will have an affair when his wife is not around or ill.

        8. Jazmine

          Doesn’t seem like a mistake to me. Dodging a selfish guy who thinks it’s only when he’s ready seems more likely.

      3. 1.2.3
        Rebekah

        Maybe he or she is sad. I don’t know. Ask the Holt Spirit for guidance first…look if u call or text n say,” what’s wrong? I haven’t heard from you.” That shows you care…everybody wants to b cared about

      4. 1.2.4
        Nani

        Good for you. You should be very proud of yourself.

    3. 1.3
      Grace

      I think every girl does this.  I think staying busy is the best when you meet somebody like this and date lots of other guys.

      1. 1.3.1
        kris

        Yes I agree, now.  There is a guy I dated for 2yrs and he fell into love. I got to know him after not having sex for 1 month and 1/2. It still was too early.  Now after I found out how insecure he is when he does not get validation.   It is heartbreaking Cuz he does not want to look at his issues. Yet wants to keep the sex. I have know desire to give until I trust again.  Basically it’s dead for at least 5 mths now.  He wants the sex I want the trust.  Toxicity insecurity. .

         

        1. Dedee

          I’m there today. 🙁

    4. 1.4
      Sandra

      Are you thick or something, why not try using yr head first for thinking, dont drop yr draws until you have spent sufficient time to get to know them!, you have a connection, not just a physical one, but most importantly an emotional one with them, then you might stand a chance of securing the type of relationship yr after.

    5. 1.5
      Meesh

      Do not ever put full Blame on yourself it takes two to tango.

      1. 1.5.1
        Chloe

        The problem with your generalisation is presupposing that “all women” will sleep with the guy they’re attracted to in the first place.
        Sometimes there’s a dicey situation of not getting clear signals from him and just not having the sexual component in place (it really is not impossible).
        Ugh.

    6. 1.6
      Nicole

      As a woman, I think we are wired to love and never look back. I have fallen in love with a man that has told me plenty of times, indirectly, that there is nothing more here, than a fun conversation, a great blow job, and convenient company for an hour or so.  I am not like the other women on this page, I happen to be married.  This is another reason why I don’t blame him for acting exactly like Evan has described. But what men don’t understand about women, is that women fall in love regardless of marriage. I married out of necessity and because I was young and pregnant.  Now, 20 years later I am still married, 2 more kids, and have fallen in actual love, love I never felt for my husband, and it can’t and won’t go anywhere.  Women have emotions and love programmed into their soul from the beginning. We were built for love. Men were built for spreading their love but not so much finding it. And if they do, they are one of the lucky ones and vice versa.

      1. 1.6.1
        Wbotb

        Wrong. God did not intend for men and women to be against each other.

    7. 1.7
      Sarah

      I hear you girlfriend, I’m the same!

    8. 1.8
      Kat

      Wow…this so true I myself must print and read everyday. I’ve only just started to go back out and date I fell pretty hard. Of course like yourself I made up my own version! Ugh I work with him to and I feel so little. Well it’s good to know I’m not the only woman that does this. Need a woman’s group to talk about relationships lol. 😂

    9. 1.9
      Tys..shannon

      Especially when it’s someone else’s right? The dreadful text.

  2. 2
    Michelle

    Siggghhh, exactly.

    “It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

    The problem is women don’t have the courage to do this. They don’t want to appear to be a bitch or ‘rock the boat’ where he gets pissed with this ‘attitude’ and walks away. It’s counterintuitive for us to do this. The reality is–this is the MOST EFFECTIVE way of handling these situations. It challenges the man to step up – or not. And leaves both of you to find someone where there’s mutual interest.

    And once a woman gets the confidence and experience with doing this type of messaging, she can start out on the first date with this attitude–in a lighthearted, but ‘serious’ way so he knows exactly what it’s going to take to stay in her life, which again, counterintuitively, creates more attraction to her by him. From my experience, men LOVE it.

    1. 2.1
      Sophia

      Awesome! Thanks for your input.

    2. 2.2
      ohsnap

      “The problem is women don’t have the courage to do this”.
      Not sure it’s courage; it’s a lack of self-worth. Took me many years to get to where I am now but trust me…if you don’t have respect for yourself and a true understanding that you are worth quality time from a man, then they will treat you accordingly. This ‘not answering your texts’ (even though they are infrequent); disappearing for months with no communication then expecting you to be all flattered when they do touch base; suddenly wanting you to email instead of texting when all he does is text (a sure sign that his girlfriend is reading his texts and he wants to keep you as a ‘back-door’ friend).  All happened to me from a guy that was very attracted to me but didn’t have the cajones to be honest about it.  We never slept together (he had a girlfriend and I would not). We worked together and had ‘platonic’ dates even after he moved to another job but I think he wanted to keep his hand ‘in play’. Sorry…I made that mistake plenty of times when I was in my 20s and 30s. If a man wants you and you have made your standards clear, and he makes no move to meet you on those terms, then it is time to move on. And I did with a very carefully, non-accusatory worded response to his latest, out of the blue email. And to make it easier on his ego (because I actually have no hard feelings at all and I told him this), I gave him the way to back out gracefully. And he did by never responding to the email. If I was wrong, he would have protested and apologized for his lack of communication.  Done.
      So men will treat you the way you let them.  Eventually, someone will value you but only if you value yourself first!
       
       

      1. 2.2.1
        susan

        How can you say that making a statement to give yourself closure , is deemed has having a lack of self worth. Its completely the opposite. You are determining how things will go for you, and making known, what is unacceptable and you wont accept anybodys second best.

      2. 2.2.2
        Hel

        “The problem is women don’t have the courage to do this”.

        Do have the courage please! I was married for ten years when my husband walked out on me. He was not attractive to me sexually so I decided to go on a date to see if my date was attractive to me. He was crazy about me. I slept with him on the second date (never have done this before) and then I asked him how he sees the relationship. He told me that he saw it only sexually and in general he does not like long-term relationships and will only get married to have kids and told me that marriage is like a business. He told me that in general as a person he is not affectionate. Even though I felt that he felt differently, I got up and left and said, ‘Thank you for your time it was fun. I wish you the best and that some day you will have lots of kids.This is the last time you will see me.’He was shocked and said,’You got to be kidding?’ and I said, ‘not at all’ and left.

        It is just not worth it. Do not try to read them or say maybe deep down he cares, it’s just not worth it.If they have psychologically problems or are not ready for commitment, let them sort themselves out. And if they really do care, they will contact you.

        Respect yourself and walk away. Either  you will find someone who respects you or you will stay happily single.

        1. Gloria

          Thank You!

        2. Victoria

          Amen to that statement!!

        3. Kris

          Thank you needed the support!!

        4. Russell

          What would have been better would have been to test him to see if what he was saying was true.  Instead of being so final about it, you should have instead told him that you weren’t looking for a sex buddy, and didn’t like the idea of just having a sexual relationship.  Instead, you should have honestly laid out that you were looking for a real relationship, and explained that you were looking for a guy that steps up to the plate and acts like a real boyfriend in every sense because that is what he wants to be.  It is possible that his surprised expression wasn’t because he was surprised that you didn’t want to see him anymore but that he was surprised that playing it cool did not work.  Most guys these days believe that acting like you want something serious that soon is the fastest way to chase a girl away.  It is very possible that he wanted the same thing you wanted, and he was stunned that you did not feel more comfortable to continue the relationship since he took away all pressure and expectation.  And the truth is, most men have tons of feedback to fall back on that tells them that if they express too much interest in a LTR, too quickly, it always ends up in tears for him.

           

          So next time, just be honest with him about what you want.  Don’t worry about him just playing along to have sex.  There is a huge difference between a guy playing along to have sex and a guy who is really there for the long haul.  You can feel it because it is really hard to fake genuine interest,

           

          I like every guy on the planet has had the experience of letting a girl know you wanted an exclusive relationship way too soon, and then seeing her interest in you instantly dry up.  But I assure you that if I had been him, and said that stuff to appear to be only casually interested, to give more time for the relationship to grow, I would have been very happy if you had said, “Well, I really like you, and hoped we could have a serious relationship, or see if one was possible between us, but if sex is really all you want, I’m not interested.  Are you sure sex is all you want, or were you just trying to not scare me away with too much interest too soon?  Because if all you want is sex, I’m not interested, but if you want a real relationship, we can see each other again.”  Maybe you can even say that because of the sexual relationship comment, you are willing to just go on dates with no possibility of sex for a few weeks for both of you to see if you like each other enough for a relationship.  Then just gauge his actual interest.

           

          At some point, tell the guy you prefer honesty and not the usual games people play.  But even then, expect even nice guys to play it cool in the beginning because it really is true that showing too much interest too soon is the fastest way to never get another date with the woman.  That is our experience, so take it for what it’s worth.

        5. Mya

          Oh, no, I think she handled herself just FIIIIINE. That guy was straight-up with her, it wasn’t what she wanted, and she left. No need to “test” him and give him another chance. If he really did care after all, he had her number–let him get back in touch.

        6. Neh

          What a lovely and apt comment. Went thru this myself and after having read all these comments here have made me so much calmer !

          Thank you all !

        7. Janine Smith

          Hel, i liked what you wrote. It is very practical and honest advice. My marriage situation was similar. Its taking me a long time to respect myself. When it comes to monogamous dating, it can be difficult these days to find someone you are attracted to, has respect for himself & you, plus the other “list” of things we like in a mate.

          I agree with having faith in God helps and being true to yourself too.

        8. Al

          Thankyou

        9. Hel

          Thank you and I have now found myself a good man, am very happy:))

      3. 2.2.3
        tillby

        Perfectly spot on…and always what I tell others…today though i need to keep putting these words in to practice for myself

      4. 2.2.4
        Nani

        Ohsnap…..you’re correct when you said that men treat you the way you allow them. It’s so important as women to value and respect ourselves. Men can’t get what’s not freely given to them. Just because they find us attractive and give the attention we crave, does not mean they have fallen in love nor that they will. For all the Ladies, you’re worthy of being pursued for the right reasons and motives. You truly hold the power of who deserves to earn your trust and love of the AMAZING YOU!

        1. Diane

          Most guys that chat to me online sooner or later bring up the sex chat and believe me it’s usually sooner. what puts me off is that I could be anyone and they more than likely will be trying it on with lots of other women at the same time hoping to get lucky with one of them. Casual sex without emotion is boring at best and demoralizing at worst

          The one and only time a guy messaged me and didn’t ever mention sex  was a one who kept on about falling in love with me and wanting to get married! Which is just as bad, doesn’t anyone want to get to know the other person, see if they can build a connection, why the rush?

        2. Lou

          This is what I needed to hear. Thank you!

      5. 2.2.5
        Wbotb

        Not lack of courage or self worth, but lack of sex. It’s so hard to find a man that’s sexually attractive and good in bed these days. Of course we’re going to keep seeing him. I want to keep having sex. Sex is healthy for women. All you have to do is keep your options open. You don’t have to stop seeing him and be sexless. That sucks.

      6. 2.2.6
        Ali

        I fully agree with this. I’m in my late 20’s and only realized this recently, we need to put them in their place, you state your standard and you stick to it.

    3. 2.3
      nikki

      Absolutely on the money with that

    4. 2.4
      Nephre

      No one replies to my thoughts and I don’t really blame them. I am an old curmudgeon – I would think, however, that there might be lessons to learn from someone who has been around and also introspecting on relationships for as long as I have.

      And, as a man, what I conclude is that men, by and large, don’t want “a relationship” with a woman. This is not an “anti woman” statement, just a factual remark. Men have their relationships with other men. Men most often have something in common with other men – areas of interest. Women _tend_ to like other things. Comedians make their living jesting on these differences, but these are real. What men want – pure and simple – is a steady supply of sex. And, their “chemical addiction” (lets say their karmic and chemical predisposition) – causes them to feel this way, and they’ll do _anything_ to get it – including fooling themselves into thinking they can accommodate a woman’s desire for stability, relationship, long-term goals of friendship and family – all of those things we rarely care about at all. If we could have it as we wish, we would be independently wealthy, have regular sex and live by ourselves, perhaps associating with certain women whom they can tolerate. Apologies if this seems jaded or cynical – it’s not – it is the world as I have awakened to it. Recognizing this fact could help women to avoid those men who can never give them what they want and who will simply deliver them and their objectives beyond sex into unhappiness.

      1. 2.4.1
        DeeGee

        I will agree that a percentage of men are like this, at least half of all men that I know are like this, but there are some men out there who are different.

        I will be so bold as to say that the men who I know that are like you stated, are typically the alpha males, macho guys, and rednecks.
        Whereas the guys who are more into relationships and ‘her needs’ tend to be more artistic, spiritual, introspective, and in some ways classified as beta males by many people.

      2. 2.4.2
        Mya

        Geez, you make all men sound like sociopathic robots. I’ve known LOTS of men who genuinely loved the women in their lives and had, like, actual emotions and stuff. Have you considered the fact that maybe it’s just you?

        1. Wbotb

          Mya I agree with you 100%

      3. 2.4.3
        ellecyd

        Nephre you offer a very interesting perspective. I’m also an old curmudgeon – a female one who has found herself in a very unique situation. I’ve been seeing a man for nearly 6 months. We get along famously. We have similar interests. We’ve never had sex. He doesn’t want to.  And I haven’t cared. But the thought that he isn’t having sex with me because he isn’t attracted to me, is painful. He says that he values my friendship and he feels very comfortable with me. He’s been alone since 1986 and says that every time he meets someone he likes, once sex is introduced, things go south. He assures me his parts are working. We talk daily and see eacother a few times a week. I’m so confused   He confides in me and me to him. I listen to the advice on here and I think I should run. But I care so much for him.  I suppose I should be flattered that he wants my time, and prefers to give it to me  than to someone he might have casual sex with. I am so confused by what you say. My inclination, much to my embarrassment, is to say that he has issues; that he is afraid. When I ask him if the reason he won’t sleep with me is because he isn’t attracted to me, he responds with “maybe that’s it” . Then in the next breath he says he doesn’t have the need to be looking for sex with anyone at this time, and that he is happy with his life the way it is . We always greet  eacother with a hug and kiss.    I know whether I co ntinue on with him is a decision only I can make   I feel at my age, I could comfortably carry on like this for a long time IF I believed that he was content. The fear that he is just passing time with me until he does meet a woman he is attracted to, is a fear that I think I should listen to. I suspect you and Evan would agree:)

         

         

         

        1. Jess

          Search Asexual, sounds like your man may be this.

        2. Brenda

          Time to move on dear.  He just told you that “Maybe that’s it”.

          Take it at face value and dump him, in a nice way of course.  Don’t kid yourself into thinking you c0uld be just friends.  You clearly want more, and he just doesn’t cut it in that department or any other for that matter.

          Are you not worth it?

          He is not it!

          He will never commit to you.

          Not trying to be cruel.

          I was seeing someone for almost a year, off and on, of recent.  As it turns out, I was the booty call, and only kidding myself that maybe he actually had feelings for me.  And I didn’t go looking for him, but rather met him in my apartment building where I presently reside.

          But will be moving on to a much newer and well deserved home for myself.  Not running away, just good timing and it was time to move.  That is another story though.

          Back to the guy.  Whether you are having a sexual relationship with him or not, he clearly is not into you enough for there to be any kind of relationship, and yes, I think he is just biding his time, until someone else comes along.

          Maybe he hasn’t figured out a way to let you down easy.  You never know.  He could be seeing someone else already.

          I finally got the nerve up to be honest about my  feelings with this much younger guy that I wanted someone who hung around much longer, and that I wanted a real relationship someday.  I also told him, no more booty calls or whatever he called them.

          This guy was very sweet and loving, but there were cultural differences also, and confusion on his part, the need for validation, and I could never realisticly give him what he wanted.  That is to say, sex, and more sex without commitment.

          I was lonely, and apparently obviously so, that I became a target for guys like this.  Or rather, they saw in me, an opportunity for a conquest of sorts.  I didn’t mention to you that I have been on my own for some time, and have suffered from certain losses in life, of which I will not go into.

          Regardless, we all walk a tightrope of sorts, and life hands us different challenges and lessons if you will.

          So I choose not to have any regrets, and thank God for this man, who came to me and awoke something inside of me, that needed to be stirred up and surface.  A wakeup call of sorts, if you will.

          You see, I don’t believe in accidents.  But rather that life is a series of experiences, that teach and mold us.  Building character and preparing us for the next phase in our lives, on our lifes path, whatever direction that takes us.

          I will cherish the time I spent with this man, but I also will not sacrifice myself anymore.  I know what I want, and I am holding out for something and someone absolutely perfect for me.

          And you should do the same.  If not, at least you and I, and other women out there will be happy being single.  Better to be true to yourself and others so your authentic self shines through.

          This man by the way, also eventually confessed to me that he was seeing someone else but they agreed to take a break.  Spells rebound!!!

          He was amazing, and I will miss him, and he has contacted me very recently and told me he will miss me.  But I want so much more than what he can give me.

          I was strong and pulled back, as everytime we run into each other, there is a chemistry between us that cannot be denied.  It is not enough though.

          Stand tall girl, and remember that you deserve someone loving, devoted and loyal to you and only you.

          Otherwise, just say to yourself, next please… and move on.

          Move to another address or country if you need to.  Just move on.

          Sincerely,

          Brenda

           

        3. rowan

          I don’t know that I would ‘dump’  him, you also enjoy the friendship/companionship. Keep as a Friend and date around. Unless there is some commitment in place that is what you should be doing. And yes, someone previously mentioned Asexual, this is a good probability. I know another couple in a similar situation and they simply enjoy each other’s company and companionship. He comes to her family events. He is good to her, her children, grandchildren, friends and other family like him, but when all is said and done, he likes to go back to his own home when the day is done. It’s different … but works for them.

      4. 2.4.4
        Tatyana

        Well, that’s because you are still immature. Achivement of intimate (not simly sexual) is one of the stages of human development. Without successfully achieving this one further progression is not possible. You can be 90 years old and still be on the basic level of development. Therefore existing in teenage world of wants and self-discovery. Teenage reality is very selfish and narcissistic, but for a reason to establish core personality. If that stage hasn’t been complited in a timely manner and successfully, you can’t move onto intimacy. You are stuck. So, quite a few haven’t reached  stage of intimacy vrs isolation. What you describe is consistent with isolation. It’s a form of  pathalogy, a flaw in personality. Another word for it is a failure. Can it be that so MANY men currently miserably failing to be a human? Yes, it’s time for ultimate testing for all of us. This is a test. You are tested by sex avialability, by testosterone and little physical work required, by lack of challenge to survive, by perverted society rules, etc. Yet, some managed to withstand and pass.

        1. Wbotb

          You have intelligently explained some raw facts. Bravo!!

    5. 2.5
      Jess

      “They don’t want to appear to be a bitch or ‘rock the boat’ where he gets pissed with this ‘attitude’ and walks away.”

      Personally for me it’s not that Im afraid I will come off bitchy its that Im afraid things will end between us. Im that girl thats always tempted to keep hanging out with this guy hoping it will develop into something more. I know that giving an ultimatum will most likely end any possibility of that.

      As I got older and more confident I realized that clinging to a guy like that wasn’t good and things wouldn’t develop most likely. So yah I basically call out guys straight up and its lead to a lot better results.

    6. 2.6
      Honest girl

      Actually I did this TWICE with two different guys and it was hell. I’m a very direct and honest person, and in return I want the same. I didn’t want a relationship but I didn’t want a casual hook up either, I wanted someone to spend some quality and sexy time you know? We can have dinner or watch a movie, and after that we can go back to my place and have all the sex we want. I love sex, everybody does, but I don’t like just having sex, I like to talk, to do things, casual sex becomes boring, and when I told these guys that I didn’t want to just hook up with them but that I didn’t want to be her girlfriend they were terrified; After explaining everything to one of the, I remember him telling me: BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, I DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW(I was so pissed at the moment because I literaly told him; I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU, I just wanna fuck you and do some little things with you) The other one was more understanding and told me that he couldn’t  spend quality time if he wasn’t in love with me, he thought it was fake. Ok fair enough, I told him It that was the end of it because we wanted different things, at first he was okay, then he was pissed, and after everything he continued talking to me.

      I know you don’t want to go out with me fucking moron, but having just casual sex with you is FUCKING BORING. At first they were like ok, it’s all good, we just want different thing, bye. But then they came back begging to be with me, and I’m a very open minded person, I thought: maybe they understood what I’m saying, so I let them come back, BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER.

      What I’ve learned of this is that if you want something that the other person is not willing to give you just let them go. Even if you are honest with them they will be scared because men can’t hear a women tell them the fucking truth.

      1. 2.6.1
        xana

        having little things and sex IS a relationship!!!

  3. 3
    Sheba Wheeler

    WOW. Brilliant! Sharing this with my friends right now on FB.
     
     

  4. 4
    my honest answer

    Evan, this is pure gold! I get ‘what does it mean’ questions all the time! And usually the answer is: it means they’re not that into you. I don’t know why we all look for hidden meanings when sometimes the meaning is so clear.

  5. 5
    Liz

    Michelle,

    She can “start out on the first date with this attitude, so he knows exactly what it’s going to take to stay in her life?” I don’t think that’s what Evan is saying. I think he’d advise against projecting an “attitude.” Unless it’s one of pure positivity. That’s not to say a woman shouldn’t feel protective of herself and her feelings, but it shouldn’t be visible to the guy she’s on a date with. Even if she tries to convey it lightheartedly (which never works. Like how making “jokes” on a date about being the oldest single woman in your office doesn’t make one seem laidback, it makes one seem insecure).

  6. 6
    Michelle

    Liz #5, I couldn’t disagree more, and it’s about a confidence attitude, not a nasty attitude–and I mentioned confidence (and experience) in the sentence right before the one you quoted, sorry you missed my point.  Please tell me one person who does not like confidence in another person–man or woman.

    When I’m dating (and successfully by the way), I’m not protective of myself, I want to be open, loving and in my feminine energy–not closed off and protective and paranoid.  And believe me, men pick up on our energy even when they think we are the best at ‘acting’ (and what man wants a woman who is not herself?)

    What I do exhibit is a sense of humor about myself and life, an understanding and appreciation of men (and women) and a confidence that I know who I am (good stuff and not so good stuff) and I know what I want out of life–perfection is not one of them.  I have standard little sayings I say to men which get my point across and always gets a laugh.   Bottom line, it’s about me evaluating whether they might be a good partner for me and what it might take for them to put themselves in the best position to do that–NOT the other way around where I’m trying to tiptoe around and be who I think he wants me to be in the hopes he likes me.  Once a woman can AUTHENTICALLY adopt this attitude, she will have men lining up to be her boyfriend.

    1. 6.1
      Yvonne

      Michelle, what are some of those things you say to men that get your point across and always get a laugh?  Your tips would be so helpful to me.

      Thank you!

  7. 7
    JoC

    It’s a hard life being a woman in the dating world.
    One minute we’re told men like to take their time over decided about women, they don’t like making immeditate decisions about a girl in their life, women have to be patient and not too clingy to let a new encounter ‘breathe’ and give the man the space he needs to work out his feelings. So, when a man isn’t calling us we’re told, ‘just give him time, he’s probably genuinely busy’ and we’re told to wait and back off, or we’ll ‘scare him off’ and ruin what could have been a great relationship. Next, we’re being told, if a guy isn’t calling in the next 24-48 hours and acting interested in you, you should cut him off because guess what? If he’s not acting interested in you – he’s not interested in you! So on the one hand we’re being told a guy will let you know if he is interested and communicate that with you quickly and the other, saying men are slower creatures than women, they need time to process things and trying to ‘check in’ with them will be counter productive or cutting them off because they seem disinterested could be a mistake, because he was just seconds away from decided you were the woman of his dreams bla bla bla.
    No wonder we struggle!
    I can’t be bothered to worry over all of this ‘post date’ drama or what to do and what not to do after a date. I focus instead of how I am going into a date in the first place and what type of man I am choosing to date. If I want to be respected, and if I want to be treated like the ‘wife material’ I know I am, then first of all, I am not going to date men who are obviously players. I am also going to make sure that I am not coming across as ‘booty call’ material on the date either. That way, if I made a mistake with the man I chose and he IS secretly a player, he still won’t be able to use me as a booty call because I won’t let him. I will be respectful on the date, I will have appropriate ‘first date’ boundaries, I will be classy, I won’t be all over him and I definitely won’t sleep with him.
    Men use women as ‘booty calls’ because the woman has subconsciously or consciously given him the impression that they CAN be used as booty calls. If you don’t want to have to go through all of this drama about whether this guy really likes you or is just using you post dating/sleeping with him, go back to the beginning and check you’re going into a date in the future with the right type of man (this means removing your blinkers about what type of man you are just HOPING he secretly is) and also that you are coming across as the type of woman that a man would not dream of mis-treating (are you wearing something sexy, but modest, or just down right trashy and are you being too ‘available’ to him and giving him the impression that he can just have you if he wants you? Are you being too ‘eager’ are you making it clear that you’re up for sex?). Don’t give him even the slightest reason to assume you can be used – because, like Evan says, if a man thinks he can get away with something – he will. Obviously, I don’t think I have to state that sleeping with a guy on the first date will nearly always separate you from the women he will respect and treat well and the women he knows he can use for sex later on.

    1. 7.1
      Lisa

      you nailed that shit completely 

    2. 7.2
      Some

      “American” men.

      1. 7.2.1
        Maria

        Men all over the world lol

    3. 7.3
      sue

      Just read your post you have got it down to a T reading this has made my mind up on a situation thanks

    4. 7.4
      Marie

      Why, when casual sex happens, do you assume it’s US being used? I absolutely want to put out on the first date (safely of course) because I want to know that compatibility is there. If it isn’t, I’m not wasting time. I also want to know if he’s going to call once he gets what he wants, before I get too attached. And hell, I want to get laid.

      If anything, I’m using him. Or we are both using each other or nobody is using anybody and we’re just  having sex.

      I don’t like that you automatically assume we’re always being used in these scenarios, as if women are too hysterical to manage casual sex, by default.

      1. 7.4.1
        Wbotb

        I couldn’t agree with you more. Women are not victims. We’re women, not little girls. We are sexual, not some poor little stranded 5 year old who gets hysterical just because he’s not around. I mean it’s good to communicate and speak about what you want, but we are getting sex from these men. It’s not like we’re coming out short changed as long as we communicate. Even if I have feelings for a guy and I don’t see the relationship going anywhere, I just keep my options open. I may or spend so much time seeking a relationship with someone else, but if someone comes along that I’m interested in, I’m going to take advantage of that opportunity. If the guy I’m seeing doesn’t like it, that’s too bad and this is not to be mean to him. It’s just me seeking out what’s best for me. So, until he decides to commit, I’ll keep getting sex from him and he’ll keep getting sex from me.

    5. 7.5
      Jen

      Exactly! True gentlemen do exist – I’m proud to say that I know and LOVE one. He asked me out and then has fallen on some very hard financial times. He is working very hard to get financially stable. He shows me affection – we haven’t had sex, but he looks at me with such desire and love that I know deep down that he’s it for me…

  8. 8
    Lori Allen

    Oh how funny well my first love was a “Dan” but after deciding to go our separate ways after 8 years of a serious relationship. I was in a strange spiral of short term romance and some  booty call relationships for the past 5 years. Now after seeing the light again as to what I want in my love life for the future, I just said pretty much those lines Evan had suggested to a “Reid,” “Michael,” and a “James” in the past 6 months. 2/3 disappeared but one just wants to keep hanging on, and now I am interested in someone else. It feels SO great to regain the power and know what fulfills you best in a relationship when one side pulls away. They do not want YOU, so WHY stick around for THEM?

  9. 9
    Jess

    I just had my 5th date in 2.5 weeks with a new guy last night, and we slept together for the first time.  I’m trying not to worry about whether or not he’ll follow up (we already texted each other last night after I got home).  There’s nothing I can do to control what he does or doesn’t do from here on out.  If he is the man I hope he is, he’ll follow through.  If not, he’s not the one for me.  This has been the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn as a late bloomer to the dating game.  But if you don’t risk, there’s no reward.

    1. 9.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Jess – there is something you could have done. You could have not slept with him until there was a commitment. If he steps up, you get your reward. If he doesn’t, there was no risk.

      1. 9.1.1
        Arshia

        Whats the risk in sleeping with him :S?

      2. 9.1.2
        Des

        @Even Marc Katz they say they don’t want commitment unless you sleep with them

        1. twinkle

          @Des: And u believe them? Anyway even if a minority of guys think that way, there are still billions of other men to choose from. Frankly I think they may sense your inner weakness and so they take advantage of that with emotional blackmail. Because I can’t recall a guy ever pulling that BS line with me or with my close girlfriends.

          Women used to try to not have sex until marriage. Not having sex until a committed relationship (if the woman wants that) is already a compromise between the sexes.

      3. 9.1.3
        Billy

        Girls, I dont know about other men, but I will never commintment to a girl that play games to me, if she like to sleep its ok, if not then again ok but she s off my life, I dont like she control me with sex… If you dont know it, a man s mind think sex 7 times more than a woman! My opinion: dont try to play games, you will get a game…

        1. Wbotb

          Billy, I half agree with you and here’s why. Not all girls who want to wait to sleep with you are playing games or trying to control you with sex. Some of them just don’t want to take  a risk because they’ve been lied to that their emotions are connected to sex. However, it does make sense that you wouldn’t want to commit to someone unless the sex is good. This is where I agree with you, which actually takes me right to my point where I don’t quite agree with you. Women who are in touch with their feminine sexuality think about sex just as much as men. I think about it quite often and sex is extremely important to me in a relationship. So, I don’t think a man should play games in response to whatever game they think she’s playing. They should just move on to a different woman.

        2. Marika

          Billy,

          I’m sorry that you feel that women are playing games. Some may be, but for many of us, no sex without commitment is a way of protecting our hearts, minds and bodies. I understand that there are exceptions (like Wbtotb and others), but for many women, we do get very attached to men if we sleep with them (read up on oxytocin). So it’s better for us (and the man) if we wait until there is some level of commitment before having sex. If you think of it in terms of games, which sounds more like a game to you:

          A. Knowing that sex will result in getting more attached, so waiting for a bit to see how things go and until we feel the relationship is going somewhere & both parties are relatively committed and not seeing other people, so as to avoid hurt feelings. (with no guarantee of course that things will work out, of course).

          B. Sleeping with a man too quickly, then realising he’s Just Not That Into You, and regretting it when the man pulls away and either badmouthing him or calling him to find out why over and over, or getting depressed & giving up on dating etc. etc.

          I know B is extreme, but the point is, that having sex before you feel ready & expectations are clarified is much more of a game than waiting (for a while). And can create a lot more problems for both parties.

          PS Wbotb and others, I know this doesn’t apply to you. This applies to women like me who get attached to men when we sleep with them.

      4. 9.1.4
        Blondie99

        This does not work either, because many men will say they are commit and will even show it to you to get you into bed then they leave.

        1. Karmic Equation

          Men don’t leave women they like.

          If a man sleeps with you then is never to be seen again, then that means he never really liked you.

          That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unlikeable.

          What it means is that you allowed YOUR liking of HIM to cloud your judgment on whether on not HE likes you.

          If you can’t tell if he likes you, then don’t sleep with him.

           

        2. Lily

          Well, Karmic Equation, it’s not just about if HE likes ME. I definitely need to sleep with him at least once to see if I like him. Then if that goes well for both of us, we will talk about being exclusive. Unfortunately, everything else can be a go, but just talking about sex is not the same as experiencing it.  I once dated a man who was intelligent, handsome, responsible, etc and seemed to be a sexual match. Then when I slept with him, his only comments were about how well HE came. Those of us who are middle-aged divorcees do not want to be in a bad sexual relationship. Been there, done that. If I sleep with a man I like and am never to be seen again, it means I felt we were not well matched sexually.

        3. Karmic Equation

          Lily,

          Sexual compatibility and “liking” are not the same thing.

          As you already are aware, you can like someone without being sexually compatible. And sometimes when you’re sexually compatible, he can be a bad partner, so he’s not emotionally/relationship-compatible.

          Sleeping with a guy to determine whether you like having sex with him is fine.

          But if a man doesn’t call YOU back — well, there’s a joke about that by a male comedian — for a man “When sex is good, it’s pretty good; when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”

          So if a man sleeps with you and doesn’t come back, for HIM it’s not because he didn’t like sex with you, it’s because he didn’t like you.

          I agree with you, for women, it’s because he was a bad lover. But men don’t filter this way. So don’t delude yourself if men don’t contact you after sex it’s because he found you and he were sexually incompatible. Most men do not filter this way.

      5. 9.1.5
        Tatyana

        Why would I want to manipulate someone into a commitment anyways? It DOESN”T work for long term. Besides, ok he commited and then he just got bored and unhappy because it was a trick instead of a real connection. It’s either there or not. We, humans, know if it there in a matter of minutes. If connection present sex happens rather fast. I know many happy couples who had sex on a first date; very happily married now. I also know couples who dated for years, played games…guess what? It’s a disaster marriages, boring…now these guys on craigslist because “they are needs to met”. He-he. If guy is so immature and stupid that he needs to be kept at a safe distance, I don’t want him.  He will be a trouble instead of being a leader, provider, and father. I was married twice, I learnt it hard way. I want a man who CHOOSES me and only me then persue until I say yes.  That should happen even if I have sex with him right away or 2 years later. It’s not going to work otherwise. Kids, morgages, bank accounts….OMG. It won’t break only if it was based on absolute honesty and trust, no games EVER. Honestly, only those relashionships where man didn’t have habit to date around using women have a chance. Once you hurt another human being (and let’s be completly honest, men KNOW what they are doing is WRONG, don’t bulshit me), there is a spiral way down of loosing intergity, self-respect, and that desire to be a MAN. That desire to be big and great which every man subconsiouly has. Women are supposed to be protected by men. We are designed to be vulnerable and trusting, that’s a must. Instead we are being hunted down….If you want sex…mastrubate, get prostitute, etc. DON’T date if all you want is sex. When you are ready and WANT relashionship approach woman you really like and see how it goes. I bet you won’t leave woman you really like if she had sex with you on a first date.

        1. Marika

          How is waiting until you feel ready to have sex and you feel the relationship is on steady enough footing to go there, a game?

          I don’t get this concept at all. I think having sex because some movie said you needed to have sex by the third date, or pressure from others or because the other person talked you into it, or because you were drunk or whatever, is a game.

          Evan is only talking to those women who know that they get attached to men after sex and want to try to avoid the pitfalls of sleeping with a man on a whim or too early and then paying the consequences of hurt feelings when it meant more to us than to them.

          No games.

          If you can handle no strings attached sex, go for your life. You don’t need to convince us that it’s okay. Some of us can’t handle it and don’t want to. Just click on over to the next letter if this doesn’t apply to you. No need to go on long rants that miss the point.

  10. 10
    Dagaz



    @JoC, #7 – very good point, indeed)))
    or it’s indefference, or it’s a “time needed”, both are with absolutely the same symptoms.
    doctor, what’d you say here?..
    IMHO, if man truly is interested, he won’t take so much time to catch up with his extra sensitive feelings, like 19-century timid aristocratic miss, really.
    instead, he will be polite (calling you next day), caring (inviting to spend more time together) and just will be happy to be around you.
    all those talks about “i need time” is not more than an excuse. or game-playing.
    cest la vie.
     

  11. 11
    Marla

    the fact that he REALLY LIKES you does not mean he wants a relationship with you, right Evan?

    1. 11.1
      Andrew

      Correct. Well, sort of. Being friends with benefits isn’t really a bad thing, as long as both parties know the score.
      We can really, REALLY like each other and enjoy ‘quality’ time, without being each other’s main squeeze.
      Like a lonely valentines day comes around, friends can.. comfort each other.

      1. 11.1.1
        Marie

        yes this. Exactly. My male FWB seems to be getting jealous and possessive though. I don’t like that. It seems in these scenarios somebody is always getting hurt. They say they can handle it but they can’t. He always refers to our hookups as “our life”. It’s not our life, mate. We don’t have a life. We have lives that touch sometimes.
        I het that he has some feelings. I do too. I like being with him. But why the jealousy? Why the possessiveness? If a guy tells me I look cute today, he gets a weird face on. It’s ruining everything.

        1. Christine

          Well, I’m wondering–do you think that he secretly wants something more serious?  The reason I ask is that he refers to the hookups as “our life”.  It’s interesting that he uses that phrase because my boyfriend also talks about “our life” (but in my case that’s true because it’s a serious relationship and we really do have a life together)

          Or I’m wondering if he’s afraid that you might enter a serious relationship with someone else, and then he’d lose his sexual outlet!  And he doesn’t feel like going through the effort to find another FWB to replace you if/when you opt out.

          I did see a case like this, with friends of mine who were in a FWB relationship with each other.  He once told me that despite being attracted to her, he could never see himself in a relationship with her because they’re very different people (which I agreed with).

          So imagine my surprise when I once mentioned to him that she was seeing someone, and he looked so dismayed.  I’m still scratching my head over how he didn’t like her being with someone else, although he didn’t want to be with her either–I thought that’s what their arrangement and understanding was.

          He was always genuinely happy for me whenever I was seeing someone, so I don’t know why he couldn’t do the same for her.  Who knows, maybe it really was that different with me since I never slept with him (we really are just friends, with no benefits)

          Go figure.  FWB is good in theory but in reality, it’s really hit and miss in terms of how it works.

  12. 12
    Joe

    @ JoC: what Evan is trying to tell you is that sleeping with a guy isn’t necessarily going to make him want to be your BF.  He might, eventually, but not really because you slept with him.  If you want to avoid the “post date drama” with a guy, don’t sleep with him.

    1. 12.1
      Wbotb

      Oh please. Hooking up is. It just a mans game. This is 2017 where women like sex just as much as men. We’re grown women. We can have sex without emotional attachment. Women don’t get attach from sex. Women get attached to men they actually like.

  13. 13
    Darci

    This is so true. It’s actually true for everybody. I think people say what they mean and we just rationalize it into what we want them to mean.

    It has taken me years, decades in fact, to learn that when my ex-husband said he really didn’t want children, he meant it (and it shows in his relationship with our kids). When my ex-lover told me that he really didn’t want to settle down, he meant it. It even works for women. My friends say what they mean and then either I try to warp into what I wish they meant or they back track and try to cover it up because it obviously hurt my feelings.

    Actually, now that I’ve learned these lessons fewer and fewer people in my life back track. I’ve learned to look at reality and accept it, and then do something about it.  When you go out with someone who isn’t acting the way you want them to act, find somebody else. Or you could just go get yourself a pedicure or a massage or an evening out with a great friend. Treat yourself well and listen to the truth. Anything else is just spinning your wheels. 

    1. 13.1
      Wbotb

      Or you can just keep having sex with him like a little vixen (me haha) and keep your options open.

  14. 14
    Spiral

    This is a very honest and blunt description of men, Evan. Thank you for posting this.
    But I read this and felt sad and annoyed and disillusioned.
    I can’t help thinking: WHY??
    Why would a man do this? Why would a man want to “keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE”?
    Is it really just for sex? Is that all men truly want?
    Or is it just that sex is what THIS man wants at THIS time with you, and in a different stage in his life and maybe even with a different woman, he would be perfect husband material?

    1. 14.1
      Yogagurl

      Because men have a strong need for sex. Even good men. And they want to have it with women they trust. It doesn’t mean they are actively trying to hurt you or use you, just trying to get their needs met as we are.

      1. 14.1.1
        T

        Truth is, it doesn’t matter how strong your drive is. Doing that to others is not excusable, just like using others into paying your bills or for your home would be wrong as well. Men are simply conditioned to pursue sex no matter who it hurts. We all want sex, it is not required to survive, so that is a bogus excuse, I’m sorry. You simply do not have to use others to fulfill your needs (yes, I would say that they are trying to use you, let’s not defend it).

        1. lysel

          T I agree with you. It’s like saying thank you for fulfilling my lust.

        2. Zoep

          Thank you T!  This is the part that is often left out of these conversations on this topic.  Not addressing it always leaves me questioning.  

        3. Billy

          All have to do with “needs”, if you dont cover his obviously needs then why he cover yours needs, here is give and take, if you dont give, then why he gives. He think you use him! Its a circle which need to end and only love can do it, and a real man have always fears about how is best way to do it, not confidence, especially on the begining of a relationship…

        4. Zman

          The answer here is not about the

          Sexual needs of a man being so much

          Greater or different than that of a woman,  but that men have been socially conditioned to believe that aggressively pursuing their  sexual desires above almost all  other desires is what makes them a high status male.  Women on the other hand have been socially conditioned to believe that keeping their sexual desires in check  until more important desires have been  met or fulfilled is what makes them a high status female .  Men and Women both know this on an intuitive level and the dance goes on and on and on.  The inevitable Drama that occurs from this clash of opposing value systems is what Romance  is all about . Until I was fully able to process this fundamental concept I refused to acknowledge the wisdom in the old adage “All is fair in Love and War ”  But now I admire it’s simplistic brilliance !

           

      2. 14.1.2
        Wbotb

        Women have a strong need for sex too. What would make anyone thing that a better man has a lower sex drive than a crappy man? Sometimes I think I have a higher sex drive than all men because I think about sex so much. That’s why I sleep with men. Because I have my sexual needs.

        1. Katie

          Youre profile picture intimidates me

    2. 14.2
      Marie

      The latter. The article clearly states that there are guys who are interested. If he’s not, here’s what you can expect.

       

      Just because a guy isn’t into you as a partner, it doesn’t mean all men are like this. It doesn’t even mean this guy is like this. It means this guy doesn’t have feelings….. for you.

  15. 15
    chris60

    This sounds like great advice Evan. Women should play the game and withhold sex. And an even better game is to be like a man and have sex then flick him off for being cheap. And an even better game is to get a man who values “independence”, sleep with him and then when he calls for a repeat hook up tell him: “Gee, you value independence and don’t want a serious relationship so I’ll leave you alone. Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” Do you want to know something, that gets him livid and chasing like a greyhound after a bunny as IT IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL. The men who push for sex with no intention of committing will wine and dine for ages and spin the lines and then dump you regardless. So the advice falls flat. Besides, men dislike princesses and grow tired of paying money for no return. And here’s a bit of a tip – it’s a power trip to pay for a woman and then think you have bought her!! Any man who flashes the wallet to impress may turn into Mr Possessive later. Let him pay but you owe him nothing in return. If he thinks he can buy you like an object then he’s not worth knowing. And if you think you can hook him into wanting you or owing you if you have sex then also be prepared for the cruel fact that neither of you really owe each other anything beyond mutual sexual gratification. If you like sex and also want a serous relationship to develop problems will evolve as you hurt yourself by withholding sex and run the risk of being seen as cheap if you love sex and have sex too soon. Sex is not intimacy – it’s just sex if it has no emotional connection involved. Intimacy takes time to develop, but sex is what acts as a catalyst to make a full relationship.

    Relationship will or will not develop and it really does not matter if you have sex on the first date or wait six months. This does not ensure the relationship will continue. Both sexes can be insecure and confused when it comes to sex and intimacy, and there is no stock guide to say what will or will not cause a serious relationship to develop. Timing? Luck? Compatibility? Both having evolved to the point of being willing and capable of intimacy helps a lot. Stop making excuses and learn to set firm limits and boundaries and be open and honest about what you want, expect and need to avoid confusion or the melt down later.

    1. 15.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Chris60 – Your sarcasm is charming. And your inference that I suggest playing games couldn’t be further from the truth. If you can sleep with a guy, enjoy yourself, and not have any emotional attachments to whether he calls you, go ahead. No judgment here. But if you get hurt after sleeping with a guy who doesn’t call, literally the ONLY way to protect yourself in the future is to clarify whether you’re exclusive BEFORE you have sex. It’s not a game. It’s not manipulative. It’s 100% authentic. It basically tells a man that – for you – sex is reserved for boyfriends, not for cute strangers who’ve put in a few hundred bucks over three dates. The guy then has two choices: bail because he just wants sex, or stick around to see if he wants to be your boyfriend. Either way, you have your answer.

      1. 15.1.1
        Desiree

        I completely agree that all this article is doing is perpetuating women to play the male mind games. I don’t see any suggestion of honest, open communication on the part of the man here?

        1. Marie

          Male mind games? Look no. This is how men think. I grew up surrounded by men. My friends are boys. I get along better with men than women. I’m used to them and they’re totally like this and it’s not malicious. They’re not lying or being passive aggressive or otherwise manipulating you. They’re doing what they can to have the kinds of relationships they want. Just like women do. And women play their fair share of games too. Way more complex and terrifying than guys. These dudes… Honey they are at the top of their game here.

      2. 15.1.2
        Desiree

        What about men who play “boyfriend” just to get sex? It happens allll the time. I’m not seeing anything in this article to go by. Until Mr. Katz tries the dating world as a woman, I’m not taking one iota of advice.

      3. 15.1.3
        Fran

        I agree with most things Evan say most of the times, and I prefer his advice to others’ because I’ve seen much worse as far as playing games.
        I like the fact the Evan doesn’t promise us that we can manipulate any man we want and that instead we have to quickly let go of who doesn’t seem interested.
        But I must admit that it’s not always so simple. Women are not simple, and neither are men.
        If I hadn’t experienced it myself I would not believe it, but I had always been very honest and straightforward from the beginning of every relationship and still I got hurt by a man who quickly called me his girlfriend, waited for a couple of months to have sex, invited me and his parents over dinner to get to know each other, talked a lot about the future, let me book time off for his birthday to spend a holiday together and… He actually saw me only as a challenge. After having sex he stopped talking about the future and started treating me as a booty call. He took me a few months to realize. Needless to say, I had to cancel the holiday 🙁

        1. Fran

          PS. sorry for any wrong spelling and sloppy sentences, I posted without proof-reading it… I hope it’s still clear.

      4. 15.1.4
        JessGo

        This is all very good advice, but really I think that there is no way to tell what a guy wants other than entertainment and power :/ Sorry Even and all other men reading this, I have only met and date one true man. I regret not have sex with him…out of fear he would change. All men change after the “game” and it is only one way or the other. They like you more, or less Chris you bring up a good point..what if you enjoy sex, but like a man want to have it with a man you can trust. Why is it that when you are open and honest, that a guy still feels the need to lie? Say things like you’re the only girl I’m sleeping with (but later when you drop by story find a mini can in the driveway and he open the door half way with no shirt on and says he is busy can he call you later? Doesn’t it make them feel good to know they have yospinning wired up just like they want it? Does it make the sex better to get her to like you more than she data red she was willing to give of her emotioas by saying sweet nothing’s? That is what they are and should be recognized as…should I never give any man the benifit of the doubt? Seems like a whole lot of work for something so simple and for so basic of an action as sex and the feeling of intimacy. I don’t want to date a guy and “withhold” sex, I think that we do put too much power behind tht action…I I liked a guy allot andated went on a few dates, some he spent money some he didn’t after a few months we finally got around to it. Well I like him very mischievous and he didn’t call me for a week, when he did he said he couldn’t wait to see me again…I was hurt by this and took advice similar and told him that I like to take things slower. I could hear the hurt in his voice, he didn’t call me for a long time after and he hasn’t been the same towards me, the intamacy w were buildig never grew beyond that. Just awful and confusing to try and do it the “right” way. 

        1. Wbotb

          JessGo, I can relate to your regret. We tend to think that men have some agenda and that’s not always the case. I’ve said things to men I liked to overguard myself and wound up hurting their feelings. It’s not a good feeling to see him hurt and watch him pull away. Then you have to gain his  trust all over again and that sucks. I’ve realized that now I can have feelings for a guy and still keep my options open. Just bevy he doesn’t commit yet doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings for you, but you have every right to keep your options open if you meet someone else that you like.

      5. 15.1.5
        Nephre

        Why do you pander to her Evan? Her sarcasm, such as it is, is all about the games. It’s about the idea that men have made it clear that they value sex about all things and have made this desire apparent to the majestic holders of sexual power. Since they know we want it, it’s all about the games in their heads. Why pander? We need to turn it off. We, as men, need to turn our attention away from them. It is _we_ who have given them this power. We need to remove it. We need to remove ourselves. You cannot use logic with people who make absolutely no commitment to logic because logic requires honest and consistency. This conversation has simply gone on too long.

      6. 15.1.6
        jessica

        My friends and I always talk about this;  a casual sexual relationship.   Why is that so difficult to attain with a guy?   It’s a monogamous sexual relationship between two trusting adults,  with no intent on committing.   But,  for some reason,  It’s always only black or white.

        1. Nephre

          Sad truth. Too much baggage I guess. It’s only happened to me once. The individual appeared to be pleased with what went on, but did not want to see it happen more than that once. Maybe that’s ok. All others want a “direction” to the relationship. Why?  Why not just have fun and be happy?

    2. 15.2
      Eve

      If you know what players and users look like you will realize they are very transparent; right from day one. Playing pretend boyfriend is energy depleting. Their best targets are naive unsuspecting women who are not even aware men could be that deceitful. The point of holding on until you have exclusivity and commitment is therefore not meant to drag things along until you hear the word “boyfriend”. Rather it’s meant to buy you time to observe genuine character traits that shows genuine interest. So that by the time he asks for exclusivity (if he does), YOU would have figured if he is a relationship material at all or not. If you are not paying attention to mixed signals and inconsistencies during the period, it is as useless as having sex on date one and hoping it will sustain his interest.

      1. 15.2.1
        Helen

        OMG, Eve, this is brilliant. I am that naive and unsuspecting woman at age 49 after a long marriage. Just got my heart broken by the THIRD man in the last two years who totally played boyfriend to hook me for sex until he grew tired of me and found some fresh meat. I was snookered every single time, I’m still reeling from the last one because we had a friendship for more than a year. Turns out it was just a very long con. One month into dating and my friend found him on Tinder, after a very clear agreement to be exclusive. I thought he was always such a nice guy. He was a total player and I learned he cheated in all his relationships. Your advice is exactly what I needed to be told.

    3. 15.3
      Tatyana

      I totally agree with you. Most people keep playing foolish games and even get married based on it. Then boom…What do we have to cherish? Nothing is there. We have to look further into the future: what all this ultimately leads to. Lies, games, manipulation of any kind such as not being yourself lead to MISERY. And that will end up being so much worse problem then any pain one would take over going to world with open heart and get hurt. I always remember these great lines: “go there and live to your fullest, love with all your heart. You will get hurt, but there is no other way…”

    4. 15.4
      Wbotb

      chris60 I think your response was very mature and genuine. I think the longest I ever waited to have sex with a guy was 4 dates LMFAO! I don’t like waiting. Life is too short to be sexless.

  16. 16
    Katherine Wakefield

    At the end of the day if you sleep with a man, this is YOUR decision, so be sure that’s what you want to do!  If he disappears you cant blame him, he didn’t promise you anything and you slept with each other by mutual agreement.  
    This is because women attach emotionally to a man with sex and read a lot more into it than a man does.  But men and women think differently!
    As Evan says its how the man behaves afterwards that will tell you if hes interested.  They are your signs to understand him, by his actions, not that he slept with you.

    1. 16.1
      Jen Q.

      I think the problem a lot of us have with this post and this way of thinking is that it presumes this:

      Man A and woman B meet.  They have chemistry, they have a rapport.  One thing leads to another, and the attraction overrides the common sense and they have sex on the first, second, third date.  I’m not sure when it’s supposed to feel okay to do it; a lot of guys want to “win” so badly, that they WILL hold out for a long time just to get the girl in bed, and will no more commit to the relationship than it she’d gone for it the first night.  Then he’ll be gone. Well, the two months of distracting horniness, that was sure worth it, huh?

      A lot of us grew up with the standard that a guy “expects” sex by the third date and I have seen that in play.  Truth, he has no right to expect it period, especially if she’s paying her own way on dates (which is the best reason why a woman should).  This article reveals the mentality that if a Man A and Woman B get together, she is the one who should know how he is thinking and deal accordingly with the consequences of her choice, and that she’s signed off to be a f*** buddy at best, and some slut he went with one night at worst.  What gives any human being the right to write another off that way?  He, on the other hand, boys will be boys, men will be men, and he’s under no obligation whatsoever to adjust HIS thinking to include the notion that maybe they have chemistry there that’s so strong they had to do it right away because there’s really something there between them, and that relationship should be investigated and given a real chance with an open heart and an open mind.

      I do agree that there’s a lot to be said for finding out if you like someone and they like you before you go there.  In fact, my last relationship was so painful, that added to a couple of friends who disappointed me at the same time, I have decided I will never accept or offer the words “I love you” in anything less than one year of knowing somebody.

      Men never seem to be asked to learn that sometimes sex is not just a bodily function, but a sign.  I am always reading about how important sex is to them….hey, it happens to be pretty darned important to some of us too.  I just have my mind attached to my body enough that I’m not looking to discard a person just because I slept with him fast.

      And then they wonder why they wind up in sexless marriages or are bored 8, 10, 20 years down the road.  If they hadn’t had such a madonna-whore complex going on, maybe they’d have married the one who knew how to take care of business, really well, and without inhibition.

    2. 16.2
      Wbotb

      Women do not attach to a man emotionally through sex LMAO. We only attach if we like them. I could have sex with a man and not even want to cuddle afterward  and I can have sex with another man and think about being with him all the time.

  17. 17
    Katarina Phang

    As one of the few (or perhaps many?) women who could care less if a guy sticks around after sex, I can tell you that no drama is necessary before or after sex.  It’s about relentless self-confidence that whatever happens, happens in your best interest.  If he disappears, good…he saves you time and energy.  If he sticks around, good…enjoy him while it lasts.

    But what seems to always work with me is to focus on my own well-being.  I may not know where he stands but as long as we share positive moments when we are together, I will stick around.  Yet at the same time I know how to protect myself but not going all the way emotionally on him which means I keep my options open till he steps up to the plate.

    No drama, just solid great fun time that enriches my life and contributes to my happiness.   If he doesn’t find me worthy of his commitment after all this, I have at least used him to raise my Goddess vibration that will attract the right guy eventually.  And it’s his loss.

    And about booty call?  It works both ways.  It’s not an issue for me. 🙂 

    1. 17.1
      shannon

      totally agreeed with you on this!! !! we have to think this way as a woman!!

    2. 17.2
      JustMe

      I agree Katarina 100%.  I have enjoyed sexual encounters with no strings or emotional attachments..  Have even had a “one night stand” if you will, with my crush, who started seeing someone steadily for awhile only to find him calling again only after a short time with this new girl… I mean if He wants to play i’m game.. I’m all for fun and no GAMES!!! 🙂

      1. 17.2.1
        Catherine

        You are the side chick second choice why would you wanna be that women? Gain down self respect its not cute girl.

        1. Wbotb

          Cathrine, she may have him as the side dude lol!

    3. 17.3
      Fran

      I can only say… Lucky you! 😛
      If I focus on my well being I know that I need to wait and feel safe… Unfortunately I am not able to have no emotional attachment with a person I sleep with. Not saying this is either a good or bad thing, only very unlucky 🙁

      1. 17.3.1
        Del

        Fran- I totally get you on having emotions for guys you have sex with. I’ve even found myself ‘creating’ emotions JUST because I had sex with a friend. Then I make them my boyfriend. Some will be and some just stay friends. And I go through hurt feelings FOR NO REASON other than when I have had sex with a friend (I’m talkin friends I hadn’t considered as more and wasn’t particularly attracted to) then a good night of connecting and drinking and feet up to the ceiling fan lol) suddenly I’m daydreaming, singing love songs and happy (until rejected) but yeah. Ive found it MAKES me llove ppl I wasn’t gonna love. So -now 44- I learned- there is no ‘casual’ sex for me. ..weird(?)

    4. 17.4
      Randerson

      Wow! Katrina, I admire your strength.  I hope I can develop that mindset and have it stick too me.  Problem is I do get attached emotionally and physically when I find them so funny, handsome and smart.  I am now seeing my neighbor and agreed after being alone for along time to be a friend and a lover, yes the  booty call…where I can not seem to draw the line…I know he is not wanting a relationship right now he just got out of a five year one.  I have now been sleeping and hanging around him for a year coming this October…I have my heartaches with this situation, because I love and adore him so much.  He is so form fitting too me and just looking at his face sends me to another planet.  He tells me he wants to always have me as a friend.  Not sure how that will work if he finds someone else, right? ouch…so there you have it…stuck! Yuck! My heart hangs on but my mind says let him go….but, I can’t do it yet…I am addicted and it is like sick..  I am weak.  He makes me feel alive…also I have to mention I am nine years older than him, I am 54.  I always used to think this is wrong.  I never ever would have considered this possible for me to do ..until I met him.  
      Older men seem to get away with being with younger women and the reverse is becoming a new standard and label women as cougars.  
      I hate it that I am so weak in this delightful relation that will and is breaking my heart…but for some odd reason right now I feel it is worth the risk..  yeah….yeah stupid eh!?  Guess only time will tell……
      Can someone please perform a lobotomy via computer…lol

      1. 17.4.1
        lisa

        Randerson, I feel your pain, i too have this type of relationship, but I’m am 18 years older. I was emotional less for the first ten months bit he then claimed he lived me my feelings started to change then I fell in love, only to have him all of a sudden say he doesn t anymore. Yes were still together going on two years almost and its gut wrenching feeling no strength to leave but knowing I should, labotomy for me as well lol

      2. 17.4.2
        lysnopal

        I am 51 and I have been seeing a 34 years old guy for a year now. It was great the first 6 weeks, then he became distant.  He had told me from the beginning he did not want a relationship (he’s the free bird bohemian type).  I took a confident attitude, went on with my life, going hiking with friends, dancing, meeting new dates for coffee, etc.  I told him I was looking for a boyfriend and stopped contacting him.  He is the one who got back to me.  I guess he was scared of losing me.  Recently he has been calling me a lot more and we have been back together.  It does not depend on age but whether you have a great time when you hang out together and he becomes aware you have other options if he does not step up to the plate.

      3. 17.4.3
        Shay

        I was in the EXACT same thing as you! Started online dating after a divorce, went on a few dates, nothing that went anywhere. Then met R. He was charming, handsome, funny…only problem was he wasn’t interested in a relationship. But I was lonely and figured I’d give the casual thing a try. We only ever texted, never went out on any dates, hooked up once a week, sometimes more. He was so passionate and like you said, he made me feel alive after a crappy marriage and being alone for years after the divorce. We’ve been in our situation for 8 months. Long enough for him to realize how awesome I am and he’ll finally come around and want a relationship, right??? *sad sigh*

        I found out through someone we both knew that he had been out with another woman (an ex that he has an on again off again thing with) and we were at the same restaurant and he never even said a thing to me. I was his dirty little secret you see and when the mutual friend told me about the other woman it just hit home EXACTLY what my place was and always would be: the booty call.

        I sent him a text and told him I was done, that I wanted something more. He begged me not to “wreck this, that I was the best thing he had going in his life”… but when it came to me telling him that I was done with meaningless sex, that I deserved to be the woman being taken out for dinner and drinks and movies and spending the day on the couch watching movies, he basically said thanks for the fun times and I have no bad feelings toward you. Haven’t heard from him in days and I probably never will

        Sending that text and keeping myself from messaging him had broken my heart. I’m such an idiot romantic and refuse to see what’s right in front of me. I kept hoping he would text or call, begging for another chance.

        The thing is, guys like mine and yours will NEVER come crawling back to us because they never wanted us to begin with. It’s a hard truth to handle but the sooner we face it, the sooner we can move on and find someone that actually DOES want us and will fight for us

        1. Helen

          This made my heart hurt Shay, only because it has happened to me. More than once! It has been a hard lesson to learn that a man can behave and connect with you as if totally in love and yet not be. It is completely incomprehensible to me as I love and feel everything very deeply and authentically. I cannot pretend it or fake it, but men can as long as they’re getting sex and affection I guess. It’s a very, very painful thing to experience and learn.

        2. Wbotb

          Several years ago I met an awesome guy. We had sex right away. We enjoyed spending time together and I was so curious where it was leading to. After two weeks, without me even asking, he told me that he wasn’t looking for a commitment. I felt a huge relief. There was no more guessing about where it was going. I continued to see him, have fun times and conversations and sex with him. I was totally cool with it and respected his honesty. It made me like him more and appreciate his friendship. I eventually met someone else and got into a relationship. When he wanted to see me again I told him that I got involved with someone. He wished me the best. We remained friends and chatted periodically. Gotta love a man who’s got the balls to be upfront.

    5. 17.5
      Jennifer

      I totally agree with you Katarina,
      it’s about your own well being and happiness.i still find myself wondering where my relationship with him will go, but until I get a commitment I’m still dating. Hes the only one im having sex and fun with right now. Only time will tell. It is what it is. We are enjoying sex together but beyond that we are friends. I value and cherish the friendship more than anything. As long as I am honest with myself  

    6. 17.6
      Mas Ruo

      Someone has to start a dating site and force users to agree to these terms and conditions before joining. It is without question the very best way to live life. Reading your comment has made my day. Thank you so much! I hope I am fortunate enough to meet a girl like you.

    7. 17.7
      Jen Q.

      I like this way of thinking.  It’s very Samantha from “Sex and the City.”  ;D

      I always felt that way too in a sense, and for this reason the idea that guys judge women by the number of partners they’ve had or how good in bed they are disgusts me to no end.  Being sexually alive is not just for them and sluts!

      I do have a tendency to bond through it to a cute guy whose company I was enjoying.  I see something I like, I tend to want more of it (or him).

    8. 17.8
      pascale

      Great attitude, way to go girl!

    9. 17.9
      Deborah

      Say that sista, it always falls on the shoulders of us women to say yes or no. It’s up to you to create your own happiness. Like Maya Angelou said when a person shows you who they are believe them.  If men don’t want a relationship and just want sex you decide if this is good for you.

    10. 17.10
      Wbotb

      Katarina, I can actually be emotionally attached to him and still keep my options open. I prefer to be monogamous, but if we’re not committed and someone else with potential comes along, I’m gonna give it a go. I’m going to enjoy my life and not put all my hope into a guy if he can’t commit for whatever reason, no matter how much I like him. I agree that as women, we shouldn’t deny OURSELVES sex in the quest of looking for a long term commitment.

  18. 18
    Karl R

    Darci said: (#14)
    “This is so true. It’s actually true for everybody. I think people say what they mean and we just rationalize it into what we want them to mean.”

    It’s true for most people. You can find exceptions, but it’s a good general rule.

    Listen to what people say. Listen to what they don’t say.

    The classic example is the blind date who is described as having a “great personality.” Translated: she’s ugly. Because if she was attractive, that would have been explicitly stated.

    Spiral asked: (#15)
    “Why would a man do this? Why would a man want to ‘keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE’?”

    Do you have any friends who you like hanging out with, but you would never confide in them? WHY?? Why have them as semi-friends?

    Probably because they’re fun to hang around with, buth they’re not trustworthy or reliable or understanding or discreet enough for you to confide in them.

    Someone could be fun to date or fun in bed, but still be a lousy long-term partner (or especially a lousy long-term partner for me).

    Spiral asked: (#15)
    “Is it really just for sex? Is that all men truly want?
    Or is it just that sex is what THIS man wants at THIS time with you, and in a different stage in his life and maybe even with a different woman, he would be perfect husband material?”

    That’s reasonably accurate.

    But if he’s not interested in being your husband, then he is not perfect husband material for you. Find someone else.

    Jess said: (#9)
    “But if you don’t risk, there’s no reward.”

    Hopefully you’re not referring to the sex as the risk. If you see sex as being it’s own reward, go ahead and have sex. If you see it as a risk, then you should probably hold off.

    If you’re talking about the risk of getting hurt, that’s something you’ll have to learn to embrace. In my perspective, if a relationship doesn’t work out, I run the risk of getting hurt. If it does work out, then I’ve guaranteed that I’ll eventually get hurt.

    By accepting that it’s going to happen, it’s no longer a risk that I need to fear.

  19. 19
    Alicia

    Evan, I’m a sophomore in college and started my first serious relationship the beginning of freshman year. We slept together (both virgins) after being in a relationship for three to four months. It was literally an insane relationship and the Dean of Student Life even got involved! I don’t want to share all the details here, but although I’ve been slowly improving in the way I handle men and relationships (before, I had zero experience), but after reading your articles a few weeks ago, I’ve literally been reborn with a new mindset. I can more clearly see everything, the mistakes and the good parts. Thank you so much for your blog. It provides a very unique and well-informed perspective that I can’t seem to find from any other online source, which are nearly all written by women. Thanks a bunch!

  20. 20
    JoC

    Joe, I’m going to assume you didn’t read my reply properly, because if you had, you would have read my whole paragraph on why I would NOT sleep with a man on a date because I don’t want post date drama. How instead I choose to have self respect and boundaries on my dates so that men don’t think they can take advantage of me. You would have also read my ending line where I advise women not to sleep with a man because he will definitely see them as a booty call if they do. I was basically reiterating everything Even has advised about having boundaries and so thanks for the advice – but I think you were reading a completely different post to the one I made. I’m not really sure how you came to the conclusion that I was saying I sleep with men and I’m tired of post date drama lol – my entire reply was about how I AVOID having those problems by making different choices with men. If women choose to approach dates differently and keep their boundaries, they can avoid a lot of the problems the women Evan is talking about have. Luckily for me, I’m not one of those women! SO yeah…I totally agree with you – that’s why I wrote a whole reply about it lol.

  21. 21
    moe

    People are dumb. I dont ever sleep around UNLESS hes already my man. Why cant people close their legs and open their mind first?
    After reading this article, I just feel sad for all those women who put up with men with these behaviors. Its childish.
    Grow up please.

    1. 21.1
      Vanesa

      AMEN TO THAT!

      1. 21.1.1
        Natalia

        Just one question- He might say he’s serious and then a copule of months later he just disappears. It happened to me! He said he was serious and adventually just stopped calling?!

    2. 21.2
      Jen Q.

      I feel sad for judgmental people.

      1. 21.2.1
        Wbotb

        Me too Jen Q

    3. 21.3
      Destiny

      My thoughts exactly, most women are dumb, dillusional, or drunk, then they wine & cry after the fact.

  22. 22
    Ria

    l think the major problem with this is that there is no woman on earth, who would, subconsciously or consciously, want to be downgraded or considered as *booty call* in a man´s mind, esp, if he is cute. (Show me one woman who does, and drinks are on me).
    Instead, what happens, is that if a charming guy comes along, he makes us feel so good, that we belive, that there is a potential for more. Esp, if we have some problematic relationship history or just plain habbit of wearing rose tinted glasses in times, tht previously has lead into disaster, and we havent learned the lesson.

    Tricky-tricky. 

       

    1. 22.1
      Natalie

      Don’t downgrade the bootycall, sometimes were to busy for a relationship, not ready for a boyfriend or a girlfriend…as, long as, your safe and realize that the relationship is only for sex. Why is there a, problem? If you are honest in your booty call relationship there isn’t a problem. End it when feelings, or, the future goggles go on bc it’s not a bf/gf relationship. But it’s fun and silly till you are ready for something serious. I love a booty call, but drinks are on me 😉

      1. 22.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        It’s not a matter of “downgrading” the booty call, it’s a matter of being honest with ourselves. Rather than being “honest” about a “booty call” relationship, I am being honest, that I do not want that at all. I am ready for something serious now. Why would I waste time that I could be cultivating a real relationship for a booty call ?

        I would rather bide my time with my hobbies, spending time with friends and family and home improvement, than in a dead end booty call non-relationship.

        That’s just me. Different strokes for different folks.

        1. Natalie

          This is true, If you know you are ready for a relationship don’t waste time in a dead end relationship, booty call or mess around with people playing around.
          I was referring to how “Ria” Comment “l think the major problem with this is that there is no woman on earth, who would, subconsciously or consciously, want to be downgraded or considered as *booty call* in a man´s mind, esp, if he is cute.”
          I am being realistic, it would not be healthy for me on a personal level to be in or actively pursing Mr. Right, right now, I just ended a 4 year relationship. I am young, and need to focus on bettering my self my career, goals and ambitions right now instead of putting my time and energy into another relationship or pursing, I casually go out (every so often).
          I know and am fully aware when someone feels they are “playing” me or “scoring” (if I so choose to sleep with someone) Where they feel they have outwitted, charmed or seduced me into bed, the simple fact of the matter, I know its not a relationship, I know I won’t be seeing them everyday for the rest of my life, and I know I probably won’t be seeing them 6 months from now, maybe not a month from now, And that could just be a date, not sleeping with someone, With a booty call in mind, its fun, and generally both party’s are doing their damn best to play the other party, to get what they want from the bootycall arrangement they have. Its fun and games, silliness till your ready to move on to something more sophisticated, to a potential life partner, and lets face it till your ready for that, you can get a little lonely.
          My problem inlays with the word Booty Call, as if the word was a sin in itself, we live in a very progressive age, and when the word booty call is used, it is assumed the person in question in a female, well I booty call, men. what I am trying to get across is that don’t use the word booty call, and make it a negative when it isn’t necessarily a negative, and if you are sure as hell don’t apply it to only women. 

  23. 23
    anna

    Women should also listen (read) to Dr. Path Allen. 
    Strongly recommend her to understand why you should not sleep with a men unless you are in committed relationship. there is actual science with hormones and chemicals behind it.

    1. 23.1
      Wbotb

      I’m living proof that this science you speak of is not up to date.

      1. 23.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        You’re living proof that the broken clock is right twice a day. If I jumped off the top of my house and lived to tell about it, does that mean jumping off the top of one’s house is a smart and considered choice? I’ve had more than my share of first date sex. I’m not remotely judgmental about the act itself. I will point out, ad nauseum, that you are more likely to make a relationship mistake when you fuck a stranger than if you take a month to get to know him first. I don’t see anything remotely debatable about this, unless you think you gather LESS information over time with someone.

        1. Wbotb

          I’ve seen more relationships break up when sex was put off for several months. It’s not natural. My head is more clear once I have sex with a man because I’m not constantly thinking about sex when I’m with him. Someone’s true colors will show much faster.

  24. 24
    Julie

    When my ex said “I don’t want to marry you” I tried to reason with him that maybe he just needed more time, the next morning I woke up and ended it with him. From that point I promised I would take men at their words. A man means what he tells you, you can’t convince him otherwise.

  25. 25
    Emma

    Evan, or Karl (because you’re just as wise),

    How do you word it to a guy that you want exclusivity/commitment first before sex without it coming off as an ultimatum?

    And, do you bring up the subject casually or wait until you think sex is imminent? 

    1. 25.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Emma, please, pick up a copy of Why He Disappeared. Everything you want to know is in there. And there’s a money-back guarantee if you’re not satisfied.

  26. 26
    Nicole

    It’s weird how women think they can sneak their way into a relationship by sleeping with someone and then just passively hoping it makes him your boyfriend.

    A man who wants to be your boyfriend won’t be ambiguous about it.  

    Sleeping with someone and then being scared to ask what it means is your answer.  You can’t “rock” anything with someone who isn’t dating you, and being passive but making yourself available for sex isn’t a way to backdoor your way into having an actual boyfriend/relationship.  

    So you should be calm and easygoing and let someone who wants to be with you step to the plate, but you should not SLEEP with someone who hasn’t made it clear that he is committed to you and then think that it makes him your boyfriend b/c you don’t “pester” him.  

    It’s not contradictory to anything else that is on this site.  Too many women think they can have sex with someone and then get shocked when it doesn’t turn into anything more.  

    I think the Millionaire Matchmaker is batty as hell but I saw two episodes of her show and saw a girl who broke the rule about not having sex, which Patty also says you should save for a committed, monogamous relationship.  The girl was shocked and hurt that she slept with the man quickly and then when she asked about a relationship/where they were headed, he was like, “who knows?”  I mean, really, why is that even surprising? 

    Keep your legs closed until you have a talk about it ladies.  The man who doesn’t want to let you get away will let you know it and you don’t have to bug the hell out of him.  Then you know it’s safe to drop your panties. 

    I think the woman above who slept with the man on date 5/2.5 weeks won’t get what she is after either.  If it was safe to do it, you wouldn’t have to wonder after the fact.

  27. 27
    Tina

    Wow, this article is exactly for me, because  as if it mostly describes my last relationship (or non-relationship). 
     
    Yes, he was not talking about love and marriage, but he was talking about taking you me to Paris and Vienna.
     
    Yes, he was not talking about the names of our kids, but he was talking about how special i am to him and that he definitely wants to play a part in my life.
     
    And yeah, he hasn’t promised me anything…except that he promised me that we will meet each other in future and we will be in serious relationship then…’You will see that I’m telling you the truth and we will be together’, said he to me many times.
     
    So, many thanks for this advice Evan: CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.
    Yes, I will. Finally.

  28. 28
    Dave

    The line: Men don’t want to hurt women, is probably as true as how women hate to hurt men. Great article!

  29. 29
    Androgynous

    Sprial, not all men are comfortable using women for sex so you don’t have to feel sad or disillusioned. A hell of a lot of men would just let it go if they find they were not interested in a woman, rather than take advantage of someone who is so obviously keen on them, and who would go the distance in the delusion of a possible relationship. These men have honor and if nothing else, they don’t want the messiness and drama and trauma of having to deal with a distraught woman who thought she was being led up the garden path. They don’t think the resulting fallout of their actions are worth the momentary transient pleasures of the flesh. 
    The men described here by Evan are players and thankfully, there are not too many of them out there.

    1. 29.1
      Mas Ruo

      Hear hear!

    2. 29.2
      Wbotb

      That’s a very logical observation. I totally agree. Even the men that are not so great are not going to lie to a woman to make her feel better. It’s definitely the minority, the players that do that.

  30. 30
    Dagaz

    allow me to add few comments regarding waiting for sex/no sex on first dates etc.
    i’ve been married twice – in both cases those were men i had sex with on the first date basically (before we were meeting casually among friends), and i didn’t initiate at all their decisions to propose.
    my worst relationship ever was one where i was waiting for sex for 5 month. when it’s finally happened, it became obvious that it’s dead-end relationship, add here the broken heart, heh))
    chris60 mentioned correctly: it doesn’t matter, at all, for how the relationship will unfold in the future.
     

    1. 30.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Dagaz, a few questions:

      You hopped into bed with two men who later became your ex-husbands.

      How quickly after meeting them did you get married? How long did those marriages last? And what was the reason that they broke up? Thanks for sharing.

      1. 30.1.1
        Billy

        All are chemistry. If a good, then maybe brinks you to marrie. No way the reason of how early or not having sex.

      2. 30.1.2
        Wbotb

        Are you seriously inferring that both her marriages broke up because of first date sex??? Seriously???

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          No. I’m saying what is both obvious to any observer and validated by science: chemistry is not a great predictor of your future.

          If you hop into bed with a stranger who later becomes your husband, you’re LUCKY; it is not, however, a smart strategy for creating long-term relationships. Your success is largely in spite of your choice to sleep with a stranger, not because of your choice to sleep with a stranger.

        2. Wbotb

          Relationships should not have to need a strategy. When we meet people, we don’t sit there and calculate. It just happens. That’s how relationships become successful.

        3. Wbotb

          @Evan, why does that make me lucky? I think that makes HIM lucky.

    2. 30.2
      Destiny

      Dagaz – ‘were’ you said correctly, no wonder you are divorced twice.   you don’t value yourself as a person, and those exes see you as a piece of meat not as a human being.  For a healthy relationship to flourish, it goes behond sex.  Maybe you are the one with the issue, let’s hear the ex’s side of their story, as it takes two to tango.

      1. 30.2.1
        Tatyana

        Imagine you have got that guy who treated everyone else as a meat, but you as a princess. Do you know how fast he will start treating you the same way? I do. That’s because it’t a LIE that men treat us the way we let them. They treat us based on who they are: jerks and assholes. My second husband did just that. After short time AFTER we got married, he simply said: ok, I can’t do it any more I have to be myself..” What that meant…he started treated me just like he treats the rest of world, like shit!

        1. Wbotb

          Very true Tatyana. They may pretend to respect you at first and when you enforce your boundaries, you can put off his jerky behavior a little longer. Eventually he will get tired of it and he will find a way to make himself comfortable enough to let his true colors out. People can only put up an act for so long. Better to find out sooner than later. You can lay down the law all you want. They’ll respect you to your face, but be a jerk behind your back.

      2. 30.2.2
        Wbotb

        Whoa! I cannot believe you’re attacking this woman for what you shared. Never mind that she mentioned that when she waited 5 months, that broke off way sooner. Are you judging everyone who gets divorced? Who are you to judge? Do you know how many times her exes have been married? No you don’t. Who the heck are you to say she doesn’t value herself as a person. You are no one to degrade anyone. Put a cork in it!

        1. Marika

          Wbotb,

          We get it. You like sex. You think sex should happen early on. Your point is crystal clear. These types of posts aren’t for you. You don’t need to have an exclusivity talk before having sex. Some of us do and are grateful for this advice.

          If I love fish, I’m not going to go on a blog that’s about the pros and cons of fish and where/when to eat fish and the potential risks of fish and just keep saying over and over that I love fish & everybody should eat fish….

           

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