Men Don’t Like the Word No, So Why Say It?
I want to ask you a personal question – one that I’ll bet no one has ever asked you before.
Ready?
Of all the traits that make you a great catch, what do you think is at the top of the list?
You can make an argument for kindness.
After all, your ability to give to a relationship will largely determine a guy’s satisfaction with it.
You can make an argument for intelligence.
You probably take great pride in how you’ve succeeded at work, how you’re always reading, growing, and learning. Men do like interesting women.
The one trait that makes you the greatest catch of all is something you probably haven’t even considered.
You can make an argument for youth and beauty.
God knows, enough has been written about men’s desire to be with model-types, even if they don’t have a shot in hell.
You can even make a case for confidence.
The 2006 Harlequin Books Romance Report stated that both women and men put confidence at the top of the list for desirable traits in a partner.
Yet the one trait that makes you the greatest catch of all is something you probably haven’t even considered.
Being easygoing.
It’s hard to put a price on being easy, but it’s easy to put a price on being difficult. And what most men have determined is that difficult women are WAY too expensive.
In case you’re feeling your blood start to boil, let’s do a quick definition of easy.
An easy person says yes.
A difficult person says no.
That’s all there is to it.
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75 Comments »Filed Under Understanding Men
Bridget 1
Yes, anybody? I am a total “yes” girl. Although most things I don’t even get the opportunity to say yes to because he doesn’t ask. He just does what he wants to do anyway. When I ask for anything, I get “no”, time after time after time. I’m burnt out from always yessing and always getting no’s. I am totally easy going and can’t understand why my boyfriend makes me feel like I am so much work. All I want is for him to spend time with me. When we do spend time together we do what he wants to do.
Gem 2
Agreed. I’m a woman and I know how it feels to date difficult men. They can be guilty of this as well. I broke up with the last guy I dated because he was sooo high maintenance. From only drinking coffee that was freshly ground from beans, to how I drove, to which way the toilet paper roll was placed on, TV shows and movies had to be his choice: only comedies, to the temperature of his food and teaching me the way to cook to his liking… need I go on?
I think people who can go with the flow with most things in life and be accomidating to their partner’s wishes most of the time are far better partners.
Yes, not budging on BIG things or FEW things is normal and desirable as well, no one wants a doormat, but sheesh, life is challenging enough, no one wants a partner to add more challenges at every turn!
Rachelle 3
This is so tricky because I’m an opinionated woman and it’s hard for me to not want my way. I have tried and have noticed that when I am easy going and agreeable to things, we get along better. BUT with that said, if I’m saying YES to things, when do I get my way?
amazingg0477 4
@Bridget – it’s simple. If you are always the one saying “yes” and he is always saying “no” even to your inconsequential requests, you know where the door is.
Tish 5
Well, I spent 8 years saying yes and getting very little in return. He was a great guy, sweet, kind, etc., but very needy and self absorbed. The more I said yes, the more self-absorbed he became. Not sure if always saying yes is the way to go. After my experience with my ex, I think it’s best to expect compromise. Give and take, etc. Mostly yeses with a sprinkling of no here and there. Keeps the playing field leveled.
starthrower68 6
I would even say yes to him seeing other women, doing drugs, or never getting married. But I’d also be leaving the relationhip, too.
melie 7
Saying yes does work. There is very little he asks me to do that I find repugnant, so why not say yes. He wants to go to dinner, I don’t want to cook, yes. He wants me to get in the bath with him, yes. He wants to sleep late and cuddle, oh yes. My day goes easier and he is way more satisfied because I am fun to be with, resonable, easy going. I agree with the arguing resulting from say “no”. When I say no, I had better be able to back it up, or he will try and talk me into whatever it is, resulting in an arguement. Who needs that life? On the other hand, I wouldn’t say yes, if it was something I truly disagreed with or was morally wrong. It makes life so much simpler.
BeenThereDoneThat 8
I am not sure about this. I am very easy going – and I don’t have guys lining up at my door. Every guy I have dated has said I’m easy going. But it seems to me that a lot of guys have a mentality that difficult = more desireable. Some how because I don’t require a lot of work, I’m not enough of a challenge.
I will wait, though, who likes that I’m easy going and sees it a positive.
Karl R 9
Rachelle asked: (#3)
“BUT with that said, if I’m saying YES to things, when do I get my way?”
Why would this be mutually exclusive? If I need to go to choir rehearsal and my fiancée wants to have girl’s-night-out, we both get what we want. If I want a glass of wine and she wants a bottle of beer, it’s easy for us to both get what we want.
For a lot of things, only one person has an opinion. We both have strong opinions about our own wardrobe, but not what the other person is wearing. If I’m wearing what I want and she’s wearing what she wants, we both got our way.
And if you really want to be clever about it, there’s a trick that’s a variant of the Magician’s Choice. If my fiancée and I are chosing a movie to see, I’ll look up the movies that are showing and tell her several movies that “sound interesting.” She decides which movie she wants to see. It looks like she always gets her way. What’s less apparent is that I always get my way too. I told her several movies that “sound interesting.” Those were the movies I wanted to see. All of her potential choices are ones that I want.
My definition of easy-going:
1. Not forcing the other person to do something they don’t want to do.
2. Not giving the other person a hard time about something unless it’s really important.
Most of the time Yes and No don’t really become part of it.
Evan Marc Katz 10
Starthrower – Do you even REMOTELY think that saying “yes” means allowing your boyfriend to date other women? If not, why would you say something like that? Or is it just too much fun to complain about men and twist my words into something I didn’t say?
CMS 11
Sometimes someone can bring out the “YES” in us, and others who never compromise tend to get the “NO’s” after so long…
Evan Marc Katz 12
From the article:
“No” is a perfect word to say when he says that he wants to see other women, or when he says he’s not sure he ever wants to get married, or when he says that he’s only doing drugs and gambling “casually”.
Tish 13
Hey Melle #7 – Does your guy have a brother?? He sounds AWESOME! LOL
Ruby 14
I have to say that saying “yes” is generally not a woman’s greatest problem – saying “no” is a lot more difficult. Women have more difficulty being assertive than being easy-going. We’re taught the value of compromise from the time we are little girls. There’s the old notion that if you’re as assertive as a man, you’re actually considered a “bitch”.
And what about the whole “men love bitches” theory, and the idea that men actually like a woman who stands up to them and is more of a challenge? Several books have been written on this subject, from “Why Men Love Bitches” to “The Rules”. It’s one thing to be easy-going on a date – that’s not too hard for most of us – it’s another thing to stand up for our feelings and boundaries. That is much harder, IMO.
starthrower68 15
@ Evan #10,
Not trying to twist your words into something you didn’t say and that comment is not an affront to your post so we can all relax. I’m fully aware that a guy will date other women whether you tell him it’s ok or not, which is kind of the point to what I said. It’s got nothing to do with trying to twist what you said or making some sort of insult that’s not there.
Sherell 16
Not so simple! There are guys dumping women every day because they are too easy and accomodating. I think there are extremes and you need to find the middle ground.
Also sometimes you have to let your actions say no, without saying the words. If it is something that really matters. No apologies!
Margo 17
I really admire, Evan. Great article. Only thing, keeping photos of an ex under the bed would really bother me. The man could keep them, but I wouldn’t like them being under the bed that we make love on. Does that make sense people?
Sayanta 18
EMK
I say this with love- the advice here usually tells women not to be touchy. But you’re kinda touchy yourself sometimes, right?
like the above
Danielle 19
First I would like to start by saying I read your blog religiously and almost always agree to the things you have to say. BUT this post really hit a nerve and frankly can be extremely misleading to your loyal ladies who clearly are seeking your help.
The title of this post alone is extremely insightful on just how childish men really are . I mean really? Children don’t like to hear the word “No” either but as a parent does that mean you don’t say it? I really would like to think of men as being a little more mature and dignified and manlier than that . Don’t get me wrong, I strongly advocate NEVER EVER telling a man “No” and I agree with you that saying “No” will get you NOWHERE with a man.
I read the opening question to this article and I thought about it for probably .02 seconds and answered to myself before reading further . I thought the trait that makes me the greatest catch was being able to have fun in any situation and being completely easy going . Then I obviously continued reading . Let me state that I am 23 yrs old and understand that your blog is mostly geared toward older women and I know that single women in their 50′s have a completely different mindset than I do in my 20′s . I personally think the most important thing in a relationship is the level of happiness and fun you share with your partner . Everyone has a job that’s usually hard work and I just don’t think your relationship should be hard or be work at all and it should be centered around having fun and getting happiness from your man and making him happy . That should be your only concerns . I agree whole heartedly that in a relationship there are going to be a mind boggling amount of decisions you and your partner will make together so YES, you should never argue over anything that in reality is completely irrelevant like what movie to rent, or what your man wears out of the house, or that he leaves the toilet seat up or dirty dishes in the bed room . Those things are irrelevant TRUST ME . As a woman we are more capable than men to just let these things go and again, I agree, eliminate ALL unnecessary friction in your relationship . Men associate discussions as arguing and arguing as nagging and no man wants a nagger .
BUT you make statements like “how often we INSIST that he conforms to our preferences on everything?” Well why on earth should we conform to his?
You also said it is difficult for bright and opinionated ladies to be easy going? Really?? I disagree again whole heartedly . FIRST, if a grown ass man can’t even humor a woman’s opinion than I’m sorry he needs to go. If a guy genuinely likes you he will want to hear your opinion and want to know what you are thinking . Women just have to remember not to overdo it . Men are easy to read . It’ll be obvious when he wants your opinion and when he wants you to shut up and if he ALWAYS seems like he doesn’t care about your opinion then I would LEAVE HIM . There are other men who will care . SECOND being bright/intelligent is key to this whole argument . You say those “type” of women “always want what they want”, and why can’t we get what we want again???? As a “bright” young lady (and I would hope a bright middle aged lady who would have even more experience than I do) would know BY NOW that you can always get what you want by saying “No” in a thousand different ways without actually using the word “No”. Men are not that complicated and with that being said us bright women should be smart enough to say what we want in terms men will understand . We are smart enough to get our way without men even knowing it, smart enough to be able to make men think it was their idea, their opinion, their decision, when in reality it was ours just simply re-worded to make him think it was his . Guess what NOW WE BOTH GET WHAT WE WANT .
You also say “How can a man connect with you if all you’re doing is focusing on what you want?” Again, really?? I’m sorry Evan but having a healthy relationship is being together but having your own lives . You BOTH should be focused on what you BOTH want as a couple and as an individual . You could be the smartest, sexyiest, agreeable, wonderful woman in the world and a guy still may leave you high and dry and then where would you be? You “weren’t” focused on what you wanted and trying to please him and being a “yes” girl, that now your alone with no life of your own and have no idea what went wrong . What went wrong was that you WERENT focused on what you wanted and you, inevitably, became predictable . You are now the “yes” girl with no opinions and again that gets old to a man . If you have nothing to bring to the table a man will find someone else who does, who keeps him guessing, who keeps him interested, who keeps him on his toes . Every man wants a challenge and not someone SOOO agreeable . Com’on .
You talk about the stereo typical things that women tend to say “No” to . Ladies : Let your man go to the strip club (you’re way better and more classier than a stripper) who cares . He’s not going home with one of them and if he does he’s scum, gross, dump him . If your man wants to spend ever single Sunday with the boys watching football, LET HIM . I’m sure Sunday is not the only day of the week you get to see him and HELLO, you have stuff you should be doing . ANYTHING . Anything at all so then he’s wondering what you’re doing . Whatch how quickly things change when you are “easy going” and don’t care at all what he does because you have your own life . BUT Evan : I’m sorry, NO WAY will my man have pictures of his ex-girlfriend in a box under OUR bed . No man would want his girlfriend to have pictures of her ex underneath the bed you sleep on every night . “NO”
The most obscene comment you make is when you say “If you always want to have your way, you can. Go out with a doormat who will agree to always let you win?” REALLY? ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU ARE SUGGESTINT US WOMEN BEHAVE LIKE TOWARDS MEN?? Being a “yes” girl is being a doormat for men . Men don’t respect women who always say yes and that’s why they are called doormats because no matter what men will test limits and if THEY can get what they want they will and walk all over you . If women want to be respected then demand it in a SWEET way . Don’t be so damn agreeable about everything, bring SOMETHING to the table .
To conclude, I agree 100 times over, men do not like drama and NEVER tell a man what to do . Simple . Evan, I think a women can always get what she wants by either changing the way she’s trying to obtain it and/or changing what she wants . Have you read “Why Men Love Bitches?” CLEARLY, you prefer the “yes” type of women, but I would argue A LOT of men would prefer more of a challenge .
Tish 20
Hey Margo – I’m in agreement with you. I’d simply rather not know where or if he’s keeping photos of the ex.
JerseyGirl 21
I like what Karl R had to say about compromising your “yesses”. Working it out so you’re both happy. There are times to say “yes” and there are times to say “no”. But it shouldn’t all be about what makes everything best for your guy *only*. You’re a person that matters too right?
Evan, you said you could be difficult but your wife made things easier for you by saying “yes” to certain things. What things do you say “yes” to to make it easier for her in return?
Rachelle 22
@ Karl R. #9
My definition of easy-going:
1. Not forcing the other person to do something they don’t want to do.
2. Not giving the other person a hard time about something unless it’s really important.
I like your definition of easy-going.
Terri 23
My mother used to tell me “Choose your battles wisely.” A friend of mine put it this way “This is not the hill I want to die on.”
The way I interact with my husband is whoever feels more strongly about the issue, gets his or her way. This usually works out well for us, not always, but most of the time!
Gem 24
I think Evan is suggesting being a go-with-the-flow kind of gal.
Easy-going and agreeable doesn’t mean doing something you REALLY don’t want to do or allowing yourself to be disrespected. But it may mean stepping out of your comfort zone for your partner and not getting your way sometimes.
I have strong opinions about important issues: my faith, my values, my morals, politics, finances. No one would consider me a doormat…but for the day to day stuff like food, entertainment, hobbies, music, how I spend down-time….I’m a big “yes” girl because I’m happy in most any situation I’m placed in. I’ll go along if my partner suggests something I normally wouldn’t choose for myself or even care to do.
Unless a man is a disrespectful, domineering ass, he won’t take advantage and the good guys would appreciate it and return the favor.
Evan Marc Katz 25
@Sayanta: I am touchy. I mean, I have a thick skin – you have to in my position – but I admittedly get too frustrated when a) people misinterpret what I’ve said and b) people don’t concede the validity and logic behind my position, which is usually well thought-out. I consider staying above the fray, and then always wade back in to prove my point…and also prove that I’m too touchy.
@JerseyGirl: I don’t like answering questions about my wife, nor do I see your point. Are you suggesting that my wife gets no concessions out of me? Why would you say that when you don’t know anything about me, my wife, or my marriage?
I cook dinner when she’s busy breastfeeding.
I’m willing to hang out with her high school friends when I’d rather go on a romantic getaway.
I do all the research to hire the gardener, electrician, and handyman, even though I’m the one with the full time job.
I could go on, but I really don’t need to defend my very healthy marriage against a specious and nonsensical accusation.
The real truth is that my wife doesn’t have to ask me make sacrifices for her.
I do them because I WANT to, because it makes her life EASIER, and because she makes MY life easier by saying yes to things.
This is really the core of my dating advice: unless you’re a pleaser, you can’t really expect to have a boyfriend who wants to please you in return.
Feel free to stand your ground and claim that men should want to pay for everything, tell you when they’re not going to see you again, never say anything that remotely insults you, and guarantee a proposal within six months. You’ll be very disappointed.
Try being cool and easygoing with men and watch as they bend over backwards to lock you in for life.
zeus panthera 26
Most men don’t like to hear the word no because deep down inside they lack confidence and they take the no as an attack against them. They hear the word no and they start thinking that it’s because they aren’t good enough, or she doesn’t love him.
If you’re dating a guy or lacks confidence or meet one that does, don’t say yes just to make him feel good. By making him feel good you will be making yourself feel lousy and miserable. It’s not your fault he has no confidence and he’ll either get over it or become a dating dinosaur.
Angie 27
Hmm… I get where you are going with this Evan, but I think there is a fine line between being “open-minded” and being “easy-going”.
You say “Arguments become dealbreakers”… well, maybe some of these things are dealbreakers. I think a good man can listen to a “No”. In the early stages of dating someone, I think saying “Yes” to things you wouldn’t normally do on your own (say, going on a challenging hike or seeing a movie that isn’t your typical style) is positive and keeping an open mind.
But even some of the things you listed about your wife…
*seeing a midnight movie… what if I have work at 8 in the morning?
*fooling around on an airplane… might be embarassing?
If a guy can’t handle “Sorry, I’m waking up early for work and don’t want to get home from a movie at 2am”, then there is something wrong with him.
I think there are a great deal of men out there who act like spoiled children. There is the male equivalent of your client, Erica. No person, man or woman, should be so high maintenance that they always need their way, and no person should be desperate enough for “love” that they never get their way – both parties should COMPROMISE some of the time, and neither should just sacrifice always.
Shannon 28
I have to agree in part with Angie, what if saying yes goes against something that respects your own health and well-being?
Also, I’ve read numerous times before that men like opinionated women and don’t want to date a push-over or someone who just says yes at everything.
I can understand not saying no to everything and being extremely difficult all the time, but I think having your own preferences and making sure your needs are met is important as well.
Venus 29
If it is a minor matter that will make him happy and not result in any major inconvenience to me, then “yes” is an easy and mutually rewarding answer. If it’s something that I have some reservation about, then a discussion is in order. The answer may still be yes, but I need to have my concerns allayed. Major decisions, forget yes. We are talking about this.
A relationship is about two people, to keep it balanced those easy “yeses” should go both ways.
Karl R 30
zeus panthera said: (#26)
“Most men don’t like to hear the word no because deep down inside they lack confidence and they take the no as an attack against them.”
You’ve got it backward.
If a man has no confidence, he will believe that he needs to acquiesce to his significant other or else he’ll never find a woman as good as her again.
If a man has confidence, he knows he can find a woman who is as good (provided he’s willing to spend the time and effort). There will be some trade-offs, but the principle is true.
I expect my fiancée to say “No” sometimes. (Because sometimes I’ll say “No,” and I don’t expect her to behave that differently than me.) But overall, I expect her to be easy to get along with. If she wasn’t, I’d keep looking.
Sherell said: (#16)
“There are guys dumping women every day because they are too easy and accomodating.”
That’s not the reason why the woman is being dumped.
Perhaps he doesn’t find her physically attractive. Perhaps he finds her boring. There’s some other reason he’s breaking up with her (even if he’s not willing to mention the reason to other people.)
Do you really think I’m looking for “difficult to get along with” in the woman I’m going to spend several decades married to?
If that’s what you’re looking for in a spouse, you’re a masochist.
Diana 31
Evan, while I understand and agree with your overall message, and I do enjoy your direct style of writing, sometimes it drives me buggy.
I’m sure my writing drives people buggy, too.
], writing to ALL women how you’d best be a near 100% “yes,” pleasing kind of girl (unless he’s cheating on you or something extreme) or guess what? But that’s not the key to a truly happy, lasting and successful relationship, particularly marriage. In fact, that could create the risk of making one or the other feel miserable. Yes (no pun intended), being easy going is important, but it’s not about being a yes or no person. It’s about equally and amicably compromising between both parties. It’s the ying and the yang. It’s based in the fine art of communication (verbally and physically), in it’s execution and delivery.
You have a client (or many) who seems to be on the extreme end with all of her dislikes and opinions, and you take off with it [I know; it's your job
I can only speak honestly about my life experiences, of course. I have witnessed far more men than women who always want it their own, their opinions, their needs, etc. You even give yourself as an example. Even in today’s society with young women gaining more power, assertiveness, etc. girls are still raised to be the more easy going, caring, nurturing, “put your needs second” of the species. Sure, there are women who are bossy, harsh, opinionated, “take it or leave it” types, but the answer isn’t to concede to your guy’s near every wish. It’s somewhere in between. And as others have pointed out … sometimes you can be “too” easy going.
Karl’s statement about what is easy going is spot on to me. At the end of the day, men and women both want someone who’s easy to get along with. And does anyone really like the word, “no?” I’m sorry, but our world as a whole tells us no all the time. It’s called growing up and realizing that the world doesn’t revolve around you.
Twilight Princess 32
I think Evan meant men like a challenge in a different way. In the beginning, don’t make yourself too available. Only respond to him when he takes the initiative, but when you’re actually boyfriend/girlfriend be easygoing. Don’t be so stubborn. I get it. It is good advice. I am a strong believer that you can’t be a selfish person and be in a relationship. My partner’s happiness comes before my own, and hopefully they would do the same for me. I think that balance comes naturally once they see how willing you are to give like Evan said.
Evan Marc Katz 33
There’s not a word in the above article that says that you should say yes to something that goes against your health and well-being. Similarly, there’s nothing in the above article that says that men shouldn’t be similarly easygoing with you. So please don’t make those suggestions. You don’t want to be with a man who isn’t thoughtful, generous, and largely acquiescent to your needs. Why would a man want to be with a woman whose default setting is “no”?
Evan Marc Katz 34
@Diana: “In fact, that could create the risk of making one or the other feel miserable.”
If you feel miserable that he wants to have sushi when you want pizza…
If you feel miserable that he wants to go kayaking with his guy friends and leave you at home…
If you feel miserable that sometimes he just doesn’t want to talk about his day…
Then yes, you will be miserable. But you shouldn’t be. Because he’s not asking for anything unreasonable. And that’s my point.
starthrower68 35
This is good old fashioned common sense. I think most folks are naturally accomodating and acquiescent. And just to prove how acquiescent I am, I honestly not trying to twist your words or slam men in my earlier comments.
LS 36
Evan, I almost always agree with your posts and respect your perspective as a man. However, I think what you may have been trying to say here got lost in translation.
There’s a big difference between being easygoing and being a “yes” girl. To me, a “yes” girl has a negative connotation –– one that’s synonymous with “doormat.” As some have stated above, men like a challenge. I think you’ve said that before yourself. If you’re always quick to say “yes” to everything, it might get you into the bedroom, but not too far beyond it. Where’s the mystery if he can always bank on you saying “yes”?
And, at the end of the day, I think the true test of a healthy relationship is when you shouldn’t have to ask these yes or no questions at all. Go to the strip club. Go watch the game with your boys. You don’t need my permission, and shoot, I shouldn’t need yours. It’s about compromise and knowing that each of you has your own unique wants and needs.
Diana 37
Hey Evan. I do agree with you. As for myself, I am an extremely easy going person; very calm and serene, too. The things you wrote about are superficial to me. On those occasions when I felt unhappy in my former marriage, they had absolutely nothing to do with this kind of frivolity. If someone’s feeling miserable over sushi vs. pizza, what can I say? I am big on respecting a man’s individual need for a life of his own, as well as one with me, too. I like it that way for myself as well.
Evan Marc Katz 38
LS – Shh, don’t tell anyone, but you’re a “yes girl”. You just don’t call it that. I think we’re all in agreement here.
Except those who actually think that being generally agreeable = being a doormat.
Seriously, why does every moderate point have to be taken to the extremes?
“You shouldn’t be blinded by chemistry” becomes “Oh, I should just go out with a guy I’m completely unattracted to?!”
“You shouldn’t be too upset if a guy disappears after a few dates” becomes “Oh, so it’s cool if a guy is rude to me?”
“You shouldn’t be surprised if a man doesn’t call after sleeping with you on the first date” becomes “Oh, so you’re telling men it’s okay to be jerks?”
“You shouldn’t expect a guy to know if he wants to marry you for at least a year” becomes “Oh, so it’s okay if a guy uses me for five years without proposing?”
This is why I get “touchy”.
Because sometimes what you’re reading is not what I’m writing.
Okay, I’m done for the night. And for the weekend. Thanks for your contributions, as always. Have a good one.
Christina 39
Great post! It needed to be said. There is a big BIG difference between being easy-going and being a doormat. Difficult, picky, high-maintenance people are no fun to be around. (Trust me, I was married to one for 12 years- never again!)
Being accommodating and choosing your battles wisely is also very different from not ever voicing your opinions. That should never even be an issue if your relationship is based on mutual respect.
In a healthy relationship, there is nothing more wonderful than saying “yes” to each other as often as possible. I like making him happy because he makes me so happy. It’s a happy cycle.
InsertPseudonymHere 40
This thread is on fire this afternoon. Time to wade in with some observations about the thread, rather than the topic.
@Evan Seriously, why does every moderate point have to be taken to the extremes?
The discussion is rife with generalizations, and the same people who seem to think one simple “rule” is meant to apply to everything are ones taking your point to extremes.
Generalizations: I’ve read numerous times before that men like opinionated women and don’t want to date a push-over
if I’m saying YES to things, [I don't] get my way
it seems to me that a lot of guys have a mentality that difficult = more desireable.
The point is, stop looking for a simple “always do this literally” rule when all Evan is doing is illustrating a point. The point is don’t insist on always getting your way, and in fact try to enjoy your partner’s way as compatible with your way or close enough. A real partner will be doing the same for you. (Evan points out how he is a yes man for his wife, eh?) Over interpret Evan’s point (or ANY point for that matter) and of course you will soon find yourself in the bizarro world.
Ruby 41
Honestly, I don’t know too many single women who are like EMK’s client, Erica, but I do know some uber-demanding women (like her) who just happen to be married. In most healthy relationships, though, being easy-going is a plus. A willingness to compromise is a plus. For both people. I think so many women on this blog are bristling about the suggestion that we should be yes-women because many of us have been too accommodating, and have had trouble asserting ourselves. At least this has been my personal experience, and something that I’ve had to work on.
Michael 42
Thought you might like more male perspectives. FYI: I am 59 and starting dating again after quite a few years. I would agree that I am certainly more set in my ways then when I was 50. That is both undeniable and somewhat surprising to me. I am also more accepting of that in women.
Opinion: Saying “no” to a man is direct and is often not as much a problem as, “oh, when did you last clean in here?”, or “I didn’t know you were such a homebody.” It’s not “no” so much as the veiled criticism that is annoying on two levels. One, it says a man’s way or circumstance or preference is not OK. Secondly, it is indirect, like a sucker punch you can’t call out and address directly without seeming to be overreacting.
TripleM 43
Evan: “Because sometimes what you’re reading is not what I’m writing.”
Here’s what you wrote: that “no” is a “perfect word” when he wants to cheat, do drugs, or never get married.
Otherwise — when he wants you to stay out until 2:00 a.m., when he wants sex in a public place, when he wants to pant after strippers, when he wants to keep photos of the ex under the bed, and I can’t imagine what else, if all this is on the table — then “no” is “being right instead of getting along,” and making “his whole world revolve around conforming to YOUR rules and making him feel “suffocated and judged.”
Someone pointed out your tendency to argue only from the most extreme points; I’ve noticed this as well. OF COURSE you don’t say that someone should say “yes” to anything that compromises their health or safety. That’s not the point; if you’re saying “yes” to that kind of stuff, then you’ve got some serious mental problems that aren’t going to be solved by a dating advisor. Let’s stop knocking down the strawmen. So what about those non-extreme questions that you tend to evade? Somebody asked it earlier — what about the “Hey, I have to get up at 6:00 a.m. to get to work, I’m going to say . . . NO . . . to that midnight movie?”
This particular thread is a bit frustrating to read, because there is a strong kernel of truth at the root of your post – very few people, male OR female, truly enjoy being with somebody who is angst-ridden, full of drama, and makes every simple outing into the Normandy invasion. My rant above aside — I do have the rare-but-occasional outburst — I *am* in fact very easy-going and open to spontaneous fun, something that many of my friends have remarked upon, and almost all of my men have told me they appreciated. But none of them expects that I’m going to automatically say “yes” to virtually anything.
By the way — if you don’t want to answer specific questions about your very healthy marriage (which I can completely appreciate), you should probably stop constantly using your interactions with your wife to illustrate your points. Just sayin’ . . .
Christa 44
I’m extremely easygoing – to a fault. I’m very attractive too, but still single at 32 after a string of bad luck – long relationships that ended for big reasons. I’ve been here a couple years, and the knowledge I’ve gained has been golden (thanks!). I just met the guy I’m going to marry – he wasn’t what I expected, he has a decade on me, and two lovely daughters, but he’s exactly the right guy for me. With me he’s the most attentive & romantic man I’ve ever met. I think everything can be reduced to easy with the right person. At the end of the day, life should be made easier by your friends/family. Never accept anyone who makes your life harder.
Goldie 45
I’m having deja vu… didn’t we have this discussion at least five times on here in the past year?
Anyhow, two things. One, I don’t care what the guy does on his own, he’s a big boy, if he wants to have pizza for dinner or play shooters all night, it’s his choice. I really do not mind. It’s what he expects me and my family to do that I may have problems with. If I have to get up at 5:30 every morning, and he wants to text and chat until 2 AM every night, I’m going to push back. If I like hiking, exhibits, and concerts, and he wants our every date to be “let’s go to my place, watch a DVD and sleep over”, I will have to push back. I’ll try to meet him halfway and propose new solutions that can work for both of us, but I will have to push back on what he wants. Keep in mind, I do not care if he stays up till two in the morning. I just cannot do the same for him.
Second thing that comes to mind, at least in my experience, it’s pretty easy to say yes to someone you like. And this can actually lead to you saying “yes” too many times and agreeing to things that make your life more difficult in the long run. Personally in these situations, I’ve been known to say “oops, sorry, I thought this would work, but it doesn’t. Can we try something else?”
As an example, someone mentioned coffee a while back in this thread. I’m one of those crazy creatures who like their coffee freshly ground and brewed. Last guy I dated loved to make coffee for the two of us in the morning, in his drip coffeemaker, I still don’t know the brand of coffee he used, except that it came from Walmart, but it made me awfully sick. But he looked so proud of himself, poor guy, I never had the heart to say something. I would usually thank him, praise his barista skills, pop a Pepto-Bismol when I got back home, and forget about it. If we’d stayed together longer, I would’ve probably brought it up eventually, because you can only have your Sunday breakfasts make you sick for so long. I would’ve probably bought him a grinder and some decent beans. Is that being difficult? I don’t know, I think if something the two of you do together makes you sick to the stomach (literally or metaphorically, doesn’t matter), you’ve got to work it out if you two are in it for the long run.
Liz 46
@Christa – If you just met him, how do you know you’re going to marry him? Are you engaged?
Steve 47
You know it is a hot button topic when EMK posts 6 times in the comment section.
Honey 48
I think those who are talking about “yes” girls being the same as doormats are overlooking the fact that the woman can suggest things, too. If Jake really wants me to do something, I usually don’t have a problem with doing it – but I am ALWAYS suggesting places to go (or things to cook) for dinner, weekend activities, TV shows to watch, etc. Sometimes he really likes my suggestions. Sometimes he humors my suggestions. Sometimes I humor his. Sometimes I really like his. What’s so hard to get about this?
Lydia 49
I feel like I’m a very easygoing person and I definitely look for that characteristic in other people I invite into my life.
Great article! I just discovered this site a few days ago, but it is the best I’ve come across yet.
Christie Hartman 50
Here is 2 cents from the psychologist: Evan is essentially right. I’ve spent the last several weeks studying the science behind personality and temperament. Evan is essentially describing the trait of “agreeableness,” which is one of the “Big Five” personality traits. Agreeable people are great to be around; disagreeable people are not.
From Wikipedia: People who score high on agreeableness are empathetic, considerate, friendly, generous, and helpful. They tend to believe that most people are honest, decent, and trustworthy. People scoring low on agreeableness are generally less concerned with others’ well-being, report less empathy, and are therefore less likely to go out of their way to help others. People very low on agreeableness have a tendency to be manipulative in their social relationships. They are more likely to compete than to cooperate.
Fawn 51
@Honey 47 – Bingo and Bravo!!!
Sherell 52
@ Karl Life is not so black and white. There is the grey and most of life happens in the grey areas. You don’t go from being too accomadating to being ultra difficult. There are men that meet women that they are attracted to that after a few months they loose interest because they are too easy. They know by the woman’s response that they have won the prize with little or no effort.
What I take from Evans message which is similar to others is that men are attracted to easy going carefree women. I get it! I know because I am one. And I am approached often but you know really what men perceive as me being easy going is that I don’t care much. So I am a challenge. I don’t get upset or have these defined rules and regs, that being said I know what I like. If a person approahes me and comes up short , they don’t get may attention. My life is full and I can not be bothered by the BS.
I think the bigger message is have a full and enjoying life. Then when a man comes around you don’t get so hung up and focused on him. Make sure that you make yourself happy. Carefree easy going people are happy with themselves first!
I believe that your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.
Karl R 53
Sherell said: (#52)
“There are men that meet women that they are attracted to that after a few months they loose interest because they are too easy.”
They loose interest in her because they no longer find her interesting.
It wasn’t exactly challenging for me to get into a relationship with my fiancée. We started dating while we were on vacation, so our first five dates were on consecutive days. We became physically intimate quickly. I started spending the night regularly shortly after that.
My “competition” was a guy who just wasn’t that into her … and I knew that because she told me before our first date (she described the situation differently, but it was quite clear).
But my fiancée is someone worth hanging onto … even if I didn’t have to move heaven and earth to get her in the first place.
Sherell said: (#52)
“They know by the woman’s response that they have won the prize with little or no effort.”
You’re misunderstanding what happened in those situations. The men realized (perhaps early on) that they didn’t want a long-term relationship with those women. That kind of relationship wasn’t a prize worth putting effort into.
But they also realized that they could get a prize they were interested in (sex) with very little effort. The men eventually left either because the sex becomes less convenient (for example, she started pushing for a relationship) or because they found another prize they’re more interested in.
But I’m having a hard time understanding how this tangent relates either to Evan’s point or my prior point. We’re talking about women who are easy to get along with.
Laine 54
You sound angry. This suggests it is not about what people write,but how you react to it. And you do react. There’s a trigger..only you will know why that is. It is about you. Peace x
Maeve 55
I agree with Ruby @14. The problem most women have in relationships isn’t saying yes, it’s saying no, even to situations where they absolutely need to say no. This may not be reflective of the women you work with on a daily basis, but I’ll bet it is reflective of your blog readers (being a more general population).
I’ve said yes, or at least not-no, to way too many things in the past that compromised my boundaries and self-esteeem. And yep, the guys wanted to keep me all right–because they got all the goodies and I made all the sacrifices! Learning how to say no when necessary was very difficult.
Saying yes too much attracts guys who want to take advantage of you. This is what I’ve learned through much personal experience, and watching the experiences of my friends. Saying no is jerk-repellant. It’s a useful skill.
Stacy 56
This is a great discussion, truly enjoyable to read. Here’s my 2c. I think what Evan is trying to say can be condensed into one phrase: “pick your battles”.
That said, it is unrealistic to expect that being “agreeable” or however else you want to call this behavior, is going to elicit identical behavioral and emotional response from different men. While it clearly works like a charm on Evan and makes him appreciate his wife even more, some men quite frankly will abuse it. With such men you either have to be a bitch and constantly push back, or just leave them if thats not in your character or not a type of a relationship you want.
Tontae 57
Christie@50
I always enjoy your take on the situation, and like your $.02 offering this time. I am a classic agreeable person, based on your description (and have been described thus in those exact words) and I had been sharing my life space with a person who was a classic disagreeable person, and you are right on the money with this. He made everything into a power struggle, and eventually I began to accommodate him to ridiculous degrees, in effect became a doormat. So yes, I know the difference between the two; and because I wanted to be in an agreeable relationship I unbalanced things to make this happen, but he was not meeting me half way – nor ever going to, and I ended it as the abuse began. Looking back I don’t know why I was so hot to be with this guy, but I realize now that I have some co-dependency issues and am working on those.
starthrower68 58
@ Tontae,
As a former people pleaser and approval junkie, this advice was a little hard to swallow, because for me, the pendulum has swung the other way and I don’t want to please anyone but I know that this is not the way to live either so I’m working on finding that balance. I know that being a disagreeable person will get me nowhere and I don’t enjoy being disagreeable. I’m trying to find that middle ground where I’m not falling on a sword to get acceptance, but working to get along and reaching a reasonable compromise. However, I don’t disagree with Evan on this as long as both people are accomodating.
InsertPseudonymHere 59
@starthrower68 and tontae too, for that matter.
The idea of balance between being a co-dep pleaser and being self centered is a simple way to figure out how to protect yourself, but is not the best way to look for it. Understand the subtle difference between caring about someone and caretaking or taking ownership of their problems.
Don’t seek your identity from how you think others perceive you. Build your own identity, and be responsible for your own feelings. Along with that, be compassionate, but detached (those are not opposites! For instance, recognize others pain and joy, but don’t feel them. This is my biggest weakness.) Give to your partner and ask for what you need from your partner. If you don’t ever get it, then think about moving on. This is different than simply shutting down about doing things for others. There are some organizations and good books out there to help you figure this out.
Oh yeah, and don’t forget to laugh!
Sherell 60
@ Karl,
I have close male friends that were initially very interested in a particular woman and lost interest because they realized very early with little effort that the woman was head over heels and they could get whatever they wanted. Again I understand Evan’s basic premise about being fun and easy going and agreeable.
An old man once told me that people brag about being hard to please but he felt sorry for them because it mean’t that they were not pleased often.
sharon 61
I think Evan’s advice should be don’t be a whining high maintenance nag. If you get cold frequently pack a sweater. Be proactive about situations and don’t expect another person to drop what they’re doing to take care of you. Most of us say yes or least don’t complain when we need to stand up for ourselves.
starthrower68 62
@ InsertPseudonymHere #59,
I don’t disagree with what you’re saying. For me, it hasn’t been a simple matter of just snapping out of co-dependent tendencies and doing something different. To make a long story short, suffice it to say that I was in my mid-30′s before I was ok to make a decision without permission. I’ve been in counseling working on that (among other things) for a number of years and I had to get down to that layer.
just me 63
We learn this at work to make customers happy. It doesn’t always mean the customer gets exactly what he or she wants, but we find ways to say yes to them, or we outline ways they could get a yes. I think it’s a very effective strategy for managing people in general, be they boys or small children. ; )
Margo 64
When I really like or love a man, I like to do things to please him and make him happy. In that situation, I finding saying “yes” very easy. That’s how it should be when you care about someone. On the other hand, if I’m not into the guy, the yeses aren’t regularly forthcoming because it doesn’t make me happy to please him. That, of course, is a sign that I shouldn’t be in the relationship.
Christie Hartman 65
Tontae (57): You bring up an excellent point. Agreeable people make good partners, but they are also targets for difficult/disagreeable people. Disagreeable people can’t tolerate other difficult people and try to surround themselves with easygoing people. I’ve seen this time and time again. The solution is to learn to detect the early signs of “disagreeableness” and ditch that person. The good news is that two agreeable people get along well!
Overall, while I understand Evan’s basic point, saying yes for the sake of pleasing someone isn’t always a good idea. We have to establish where our boundaries are, and sometimes we learn this from being with people who overstep them. There is such thing as being TOO agreeable.
Daisy 66
Well, if this guy loves you and if he’s a good guy, then yes, saying yes will definately making him appreciate her more to a certain level. Otherwise, we all know what the outcome is going to be. The women always say yes will feel unappreciated and being used and feeling miserable most of the time.
Born Again Virgin 67
Coming into this discussion late, but it’s been interesting how Evan’s words have been interpreted. I am a older woman (55) just starting to re-enter the dating scene after divorcing a closeted gay man of 33 years. Until an affair I had last September, my only experience with a man . . . was the gay man. We became exclusive at 17–it’s what was back then. But, I found that straight men are different. At least, in my limited experience. They really don’t want the drama; save that for your girlfriends. Gay guys will listen to that. It has been a huge adjustment and caused a lot of heartache for me. Frankly, I’m glad the straight guy has hobbies and stuff he does with friends. I think it’s healthier for him and the relationship.
I do agree with Evan that being easy-going will probably benefit you in the long run. Yes, there’s a fine line between that and doormat. I think everyone is smart enough to understand that. Personally, after living a sexual drought for the last 11 years of my marriage, the idea of getting naughty on an airplane sounds delightful. Actually, I’d be thrilled to try that.
Will I say “no”? Yes, but I’ll pick my battles. But, any guy I date will NEVER hear me say “no” to intimacy requests. I will never be tired, busy, etc. I’ve got way too much catching up to do. Just say’n.
Margo 68
The thought of having sex on an airplane is sickening to me. Perhaps it’s because I’m scared of flying, and would be too preoccupied worrying that I could blow up at any moment.
Lance 69
I’m cool with easygoing and laid back women for sure, but I like my women a little bit bratty and occasionally difficult/demanding. If she’s not testing me, I lose my edge, and the sexiness leaves the relationship. If I had to rate my preferred brattiness, I’d like I like it 4/10. I blogged about this recently at my place.
@Margo: I didn’t read every single comment, where did the airplane sex come into this??
Neil Ward 70
I’ve never actually stopped to think about this, but Evan, you are 100% correct! I found my self highly attracted to my GF when I first met her and now I know ’1 of’ the reasons why… she was just up for all the crazy things that I wanted to do (social wise… not naughty!)
Cheers for the article, I’ll link back.
Dena 71
I just found this site and I’ve been reading for hours despite the fact that it’s so frustrating and annoying to read some of the things posted.
I just keep thinking: “WHEN IS THERE GOING TO BE AN EQUIVALENT SOCIAL MOVEMENT TO TELL MEN THAT THEY MUST THINK, FEEL, AND BEHAVE IN A CERTAIN WAY TO KEEP A WOMAN?”
Why is it that WOMEN have to tailor themselves in order to compete for a man’s affection, respect, and ultimately commitment? What happened to the man trying to woo the woman?? What does the man have to do to compete for the woman’s affection, respect, and committment? According to this new social movement, the man has to do nothing, the woman has to do everything to win him over. He is encouraged to just be himself in his au naturale state of selfishness, childishness, narrow mindedness, and the list goes on. He is not encouraged to improve himself into a thoughtful, mature, open-minded person. No, he can just be in his natural unappealing state and then women need to tailor themselves to deal with and please someone in such a state.
Books tha tell women to be bitches, the books that tell women to be easy going, and everything in between those two opposites are all garbage because men do not pick women based on any logical set of items they are looking for! It’s scientifically proven that men don’t even know what they want or pick based on a set criteria, it’s completely brainless for men. So, how can anyone claim to give women a true guide on who and how to be to get a man to choose you, when there’s no ryhme or reason for why men choose one woman over another???
Therefore, I think women should just be themselves, with the caveat that you should always try to be a better person both internally and externally, not for a man who it may not even matter to, but for yourself…be beautiful on the inside and outside because YOU deserve to SHINE for YOU. If a guy comes along and values you, then okay, but if not, at the end of the day you are SHINING.
Ellen 72
I agree with Ruby (“I have to say that saying “yes” is generally not a woman’s greatest problem – saying “no” is a lot more difficult. Women have more difficulty being assertive than being easy-going. We’re taught the value of compromise from the time we are little girls. There’s the old notion that if you’re as assertive as a man, you’re actually considered a “bitch”. “)
But it’s probably a generational thing. Not sure 20-somethings would agree. Many of them have the confidence I only got at 40, maybe not then!
But in my experience it’s TRUE that the longer you’re single, unmarried, older, the more you want it your way, no matter what your personality probably.
In my dating experience, and I’ve dated from 26-63, most men are so controlling that they are the “no” people in the equation, not me. I was raised by a Southern Belle to be a SB and people pleasing comes EASY to me. Do I still do it? Not as much as before (’caused it exhausted me finally), but with guys I’ve already intuited to go with the flow, be agreeable, easy going etc.
But like most gals here, I tend to jettison the guy ’cause along about month two or three, when he’s controlled nearly everything, indicated little interest in what I want, I simply bail. End of story. My ego finally just can’t take it anymore.
Finally, in my experience, the guy won’t care what you truly want til he, in his mind, nominates you as “the one”. With most men, I no longer care if the guy does that- that’s not my objective. My objective is simple- to love people, male and female. Also to date and have fun! A co-worker put it best when she said “When it stops being fun, bail”. Simple as that. That’s my mantra now.
Despite my frustration, luckily I recently dated against type, and found a great guy (we’ve been dating 2.5 months), who doesn’t seem so controlling, though he’s clearly an alpha (a manager, so a bit used to getting his way, etc.). I am loving every minute I’m with him. He also doesn’t yet take me for granted. Is courting me still, etc.
I so want this one to last I am keeping my mouth shut, coming here for inspiration, going more than EVER with the flow. So far, our relationship just flows and flows with few hiccups.
I’ve been at this online dating crud for two years+, so folks wish me luck!!!!
Cfactor 73
I agree with Dena–it seems that women are always the ones that need to please, when in the end, a guy doesn’t usually pick a woman based on any criteria. When you love somebody, you just feel more at ease with them, regardless of how much of an easy going person they actually are. It just feels that way. Evan is talking about his wife anyway, so it’s more likely that she’ll be agreeable if they love each other and have a good relationship. That’s all it takes. It depends on the suggestion too, but if you guys are similar, you’ll probably have similar interests too. And I disagree with all these “b*tch” steretypes–if men can disagree, women have the right to as well. It’s good to carefree but disagreeing at times isn’t a crime
in general, life isn’t black and white, but compromise works best. Just find the right person for you, and this won’t be something you’ll even need to worry about!
Cfactor 74
Also, I know for me, I find women who agree on anything come across as pretty dumb for some reason. Having confidence enables you to say no at times. I think it makes sense to disagree in cases that compromise your health or self-esteem. But even so, if he suggests dinner and you feel nauseous, say no! Don’t cave in. Next time though, you can suggest something as compromise.
I also agree with some of the above comments, that women more often have difficulty saying no than yes. It’s easier to say yes. But many stay stuck in terrible relationships due to that (even though the guy is happy constantly having his needs satisfied). What kind of relationship is that? Saying no is good at times. If you’re saying either yes or no ALL the time, I think you need a new guy. A guy that’s right will suggest things that you can at least agree to at times–and he won’t be so fed up if you say no sometimes–that’s only childish and selfish.
This article is pretty vague, and only reflects one person’s opinions too. As one guy said, resistance at times can keep a guy interested and it can be quite sexy! It all depends on her OVERALL personality! The idea of “easygoing” depends on your interpretation too, and this trait will be presented differently in different people as well
Thanks for understanding!
johnjoe 75
i think this is whats going to make me break up with my gf right now. EVERthing is no! rules for everything i dont think i can take to much more i want a happier person